6 Things Men In Love Do (Does He Really Like Me?)

2 Posted by - September 20, 2010 - Relationships, Love & Marriage

Back in August I did a post called “6 Reasons Why Men Stop Calling (Are You Bad in Bed?)” that basically broke down when someone is just not that into you. Today, I wanted to show the reverse side of that with a few signs of when a man is feeling a woman.

Before I get into this one, though, I’d like to give a disclaimer that these aren’t universal for every single man, as everyone and every scenario is different. These are just things I’ve noticed in my own personal dealings with women and should be taken as a guide of sorts into the actions of a man in love, or just one that likes you a heck of a lot.

Without further adieu, here are 6 Things a Man Does When He’s Feeling You…

HE’LL CALL
Sounds simple enough, but in an age where we text, FaceBook, tweet, BBM and do everything but pick up a phone and call, a man making an effort to reach out to talk to a woman speaks volumes. I’m a notorious multi-tasker that falls victim to the ease of electronic communication but it lacks the personal nuances of direct communication.

It’s one thing to have someone call me and I hold a conversation, but if I find myself thinking of a female and longing to hear her voice, chances are I’m feeling her in some way. Drunk dials and booty calls don’t count, only conversations where the man is expressing genuine interest in getting to know a woman.

HE’LL LISTEN
A lot of people don’t realize it, but listening is an art form. Half of the time when people are talking we’re not listening to the other person we’re only waiting to interject with our own response. Men are the guiltiest of this because a lot of women are longwinded and tend to ramble. Hey, that’s probably sexist but for argument’s sake let’s just say that it’s true.

I’ve found myself caught up in plenty of one-sided conversations with women where I could give a rat’s ass about what she was talking about. Whenever I catch myself spacing out and having no interest in her story or what she finds important, I take that as a sign that this woman isn’t the one for me. Yeah, she might be cute and I could be attracted to her; but if she can’t hold my interest in conversation then what’s the point?

On the flipside, when I’m paying attention and communication is flowing both ways there might be hope. In fact, it’s usually when I’m listening and actually interested that I remember important things like a woman’s birthday, favorite flower, movie or color, how many siblings she has and what she said 10 minutes ago. Conversations about sex don’t count, again, only ones where a man is genuinely interested in getting to know a woman.

HE’LL WATCH/DO SOMETHING HE WOULDN’T NORMALLY
Men are very particular about certain things, especially movies and TV shows. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard men say how they’ve never seen Brokeback Mountain based off the fact it’s a homosexual love story. But if a woman they were really feeling was dying to see that film or something comparable and equally woman-friendly (i.e. Sex & the City and any one of Tyler Perry’s movies) there’s a strong possibility he might bend.

I for one have been roped into watching something I never thought I would because of a woman I was feeling or in love with. My college/live-in girlfriend had a thing for Golden Girls and every night she would watch it, while I’d much rather check out Star Trek: The Next Generation, but because she was my boo I bit the bullet and suffered through Blanche, Dorothy Rose and Sophia’s antics night after night. I now cringe anytime I come across that show.

I’ve also been subjected to watching shows like Bridezilla, Bad Girls Club and the Food Network, as well as sappy chick flicks, for the sake of a woman that had my heart. Sometimes, as with Bad Girls Club, which features scantily clad women cat fighting, I secretly learned to like the shows, but I’d be damned if I admitted that to any of my boys. (Technically, I just did though—Doh!). But a man that gives up control of the remote (and movie tickets) to a woman is a sign he’s feeling you in my book.

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  • http://msblackmansbriefing.com MsBlackmanSays

    Let me know when you want the woman’s version of this post!

    Do you appreciate someone that’s interested in you actually calling as opposed to texting?
    Hearing someone’s voice is always better than a text (IMHO)…you can’t always account for tone, and “sweet nothings” sound better whispered in my ear than me reading it in a text.

    How important is voice-to-voice communication in determining whether or not you like someone?
    Communication is big for me in any relationship…if I can’t talk to you then nothing is going to happen between us, so I need that voice-to-voice.

    Do you agree that listening is an art form?
    I think good listening skills can be learned…so no.

    Does good conversation enhance your attraction for someone?
    Yes…it totally makes me look past more than something physical.

    Do you appreciate someone that’s willing to sacrifice their time to do something you’re interested in? TOTALLY

    Do you see crying as a very intimate experience between two people?
    Definitely…IMO that’s when you’re most vulnerable so the fact that you’re willing to open up your emotions to that degree in front of someone is very big and means a lot.

    Would you lose or gain respect for someone that was able to cry in front of you? Depends on what the situation is that caused them to cry.

    Have you ever said “I love you” and not meant it?
    I’ve said “I love you”, but I wasn’t “in love” with the person (you know what I mean?) but I did love them just not romantically.

    Why? Because it was the truth and I didn’t want to not say it back when they said it to me…however the context was definitely different

    What signs do you use to tell if someone is genuinely in love with you? Definitely the “listening” sign, the paying attention to things you like and are interested in, their taking part in your interests, and seeing that their actions back the words that they say to me.

  • sunshyne84

    He let me watch 4 Weddings at his house. awwww

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Hey send over the female version whenever you got it. ha!

    As for, the listening not being an art form, we may be on different wavelengths. Learning how to listen doesn’t equal learning how to craft an art form?

  • TC

    FTR: I haven’t seen The Notebook yet so I haven’t been in love for minute lol

  • Shannon

    Some of this stuff may be true, but only as far as it goes. My husband never went shopping with me, he never did or watched anything he wouldn’t normally watch and when it came to conversation, he was for shit, but he didn’t mind listening and he never uttered the words, “I love you,” until he proposed.

    Now the guy I was seeing–I cut him loose a while back–hardly if ever called, we didn’t stay on the phone long, I hardly ever saw him, he never did anything with me, he never did any of those things and I decided to cut my losses. Why? Because after nearly a year, I still knew almost nothing about him; I didn’t know where he lived, didn’t know where he worked, never met his family/friends, the only time I saw him was when he wanted to see me and the only time I talked to him was when he called me; since I worked a ton of hours I never paid much attention, but now that my hours have dropped temporarily, I had time to reevaluate and I didn’t like what I found, so I decided to walk. He didn’t seem to care, so I knew I made the right decision.

    • Dakotafleming

      You were a booty call

    • Judy Chao

      he probably just wanted sex from you and nothin else

  • Shannon

    I think a man who listens and takes a genuine interest in me because I am the object of his affection and not because he wants to get laid for the night, is extremely sexy. For me, a man has to engage me mentally before he can even think about engaging me sexually. Emotional bonds are the bonds that will stand the test of time, even when sex is no longer possible. I want a man who can’t wait to see me, will move mountains to keep a promise, whose gaze is fixed upon me while in his presence and whose thoughts linger on me in my absence. He knows in his heart I am all the woman he needs and is devoted to me accordingly.

    I do find myself wishing to meet such a man, but it will never happen, sadly. Marriage is the most disdained institution today and I am quite disappointed to learn of that.

    • curious

      Your last paragraph reads like YOU’VE GIVEN UP. if you think that way THAN YOU SHALL HAVE THAT. YOU ARE AND WILL BE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT.DON’T GIVE Up.

  • Shannon

    Sorry for so many posts! It won’t let me submit a long post for some reason.

  • MsBlackmanSays

    Let me know where to send the female version.

    And maybe I’m being too technical with your definition of an “art form”, but I consider an “art form” to be a category or activity viewed or treated as an art form because there is some distinguishable quality about it.

    When someone is a great listener I consider that to be a gift, but not an art form per se, because I feel just about anyone with enough practice and patience can become a good listener…not everyone can become a great artist…or writer. :-)

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Same place as always, the contact email is on the top of the site under the contact tab :) Guess no one pays attention because I end up answering that question several times a day SMH

    And it’s too late & I’m too tired to get into semantics of “art form” to-may-to to-mah-to.

  • michel

    he calls and talks on the phone for over an hour about everything and nothing, he texts, not only will he go shopping, but he will call me from the store and ask me if i need anything. he has gotten pretty emotional when talking about how his mother treated him as a child, but no crying. he hasn’t told me that he loves me, but i see it everyday in his actions. i see in his eyes when he looks at me, i feel in his touch, i hear it in his voice when has ask about my day. hearing the words is nice but seeing the action is BEAUTIFUL!!!

  • R.e.D

    Do you appreciate someone that’s interested in you actually calling as opposed to texting?
    I keep texts to a minimum. You have to call me. I just need to hear a man’s voice. Wow nwso, you are really taking me back with this post tonight..

    How important is voice-to-voice communication in determining whether or not you like someone?
    If I find you very attractive, but we aren’t on the same page in terms of communication, it’s over even before it begins. On the other hand, maybe you are a 6, but I really enjoy talking to you..that really pulls you up to an 8. I love to talk about the news, the world and just everyday life. I read quite a bit and actually like discussing books. If you can’t keep up with such conversation, it’s pointless. Plus, I love a man that adds to my knowledge base. THAT, is sexy as all hell!

    Do you agree that listening is an art form?
    Men are poor listeners (may be a bit sexist, but there is some truth to this, just like women and rambling), so maybe in a sense it is an artform, but I don’t know. They listen when they want to. So what I would call them is ‘Selective Listeners’

    Does good conversation enhance your attraction for someone?
    Most def.

    Do you appreciate someone that’s willing to sacrifice their time to do something you’re interested in?
    Yes of course and I would do the same.

    Do you see crying as a very intimate experience between two people?
    A man that cries is a man that is capable of expressing his emotions to you. He is unashamed, he is vulnerable, he trusts you and with the right woman, this is perfectly fine.

    Would you lose or gain respect for someone that was able to cry in front of you?
    You can’t cry all the time, I don’t even do that, but if something really moved you to tears then all I have is respect for you.

    Have you ever said “I love you” and not meant it?
    Never

    What signs do you use to tell if someone is genuinely in love with you?
    Nice way to start the week off. Everything you said was pretty much on point and had little to do with sex. But I would add one thing. When a man is genuinely feeling you, after making love, he just holds you, caresses you and both of you are silent, speechless, because right then and there, nothing else matters.

    Now, when it is just sex, he gets out of bed really fast and chances are he wants you to leave too. (Not really my personal experience but this is what real players have told me)

  • http://kayemichele1.wordpress.com Kaye Michele

    Hmm.

    This sounds like everything that every male friend I know has ever said. My thing is…actually, never mind, that’s not a public forum conversation. Let’s get to the questions…

    Do you appreciate someone that’s interested in you actually calling as opposed to texting?

    Ugh…I hate being texted by a significant other/interested party. Don’t tell me you’re busy, you don’t know busy like I know busy…but if I make the effort to pick up the phone and call you, you’d better do the same. Otherwise lose my number. (pet peeve, sorry)

    How important is voice-to-voice communication in determining whether or not you like someone?

    So much gets misinterpreted with a text message. When you hear someone’s voice, it’s like looking into someone’s eyes…you can detect the sincerity.

    Do you agree that listening is an art form?

    Yep. People hear what they want to hear. A good listener makes for a great person.

    Does good conversation enhance your attraction for someone?

    Conversation is the ultimate turn on.

    Do you appreciate someone that’s willing to sacrifice their time to do something you’re interested in?

    Yes. I’m big on compromise and very willing to do so for someone that I like, provided that they’ll do the same.

    Do you see crying as a very intimate experience between two people?

    Crying is extremely intimate to me, especially since I don’t do it often.

    Would you lose or gain respect for someone that was able to cry in front of you?

    Gain, depending on their nature.

    Have you ever said “I love you” and not meant it? Why?

    Never. Those three words are like playing around with a loaded gun, never play around with it unless you plan to use it.

    What signs do you use to tell if someone is genuinely in love with you?

    Tell you the truth? I’m not sure I know what love is. I know what I think it should be…but I don’t know if many will agree, and it’s not that I care whether anyone agrees, moreover that I prefer to write about it as opposed to try to explain it here.

    Good post as usual.

  • Enid Wilson

    Four out of six, for my BF. Not bad. I’ll just have to make him cry and say the L word.

    My Darcy Mutates…

  • JC

    Do you appreciate someone that’s interested in you actually calling as opposed to texting?- I’m in the minority but once we are over the stage of getting to know the basics of each other I don’t need phone conversations unless you are asking me a pointed question. I spend 8 hours of my day talking at work, the last thing I want to do is come home and talk, much less talk on the phone. It’s just the way I am. If you want to have a conversation with me…make time to do it face to face.

    How important is voice-to-voice communication in determining whether or not you like someone?- Voice-to-voice is important…once the basics are done. I believe that the best way to determine if you like someone is to see them face to face and interact with them.

    Do you agree that listening is an art form?- Listening and retaining is an art form. I think anyone can listen, but once you step away will they remember. That’s what counts in my book. I have a girlfriend that I talk to. I remember all she tells me, yet when it comes to me she doesn’t remember. She listens but she doesn’t retain the info.

    Does good conversation enhance your attraction for someone?- Of course. I’ve been with men that I had nothing to say to and I have been with men that I couldn’t stop talking to. Meals get mighty boring if the conversation doesn’t flow.

    Do you appreciate someone that’s willing to sacrifice their time to do something you’re interested in?- Yes, it would mean a lot to me. He doesn’t have to go at it full force. I don’t want a carbon copy of myself.

    Do you see crying as a very intimate experience between two people?- I used to, but now I think people deal with things in their own way. If crying in front of your partner is something you’re not comfortable with I’m ok with that. As long as the person doesn’t bottle their feelings up go in the bathroom, cry in the shower…do what you need to do.

    Would you lose or gain respect for someone that was able to cry in front of you?-Neither

    Have you ever said “I love you” and not meant it?- No

    Why?- Because even before I had it done to me I knew what type of hurt that could cause.

    What signs do you use to tell if someone is genuinely in love with you?-What you listed above was a good indicator, in the past but now I don’t think about having anyone “be in love with me” just love me and we’ll do fine. And if you really think about if someone loves you…won’t they being doing the same things anyway…

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    But what about someone like me who just holds and caresses on the regular? In my case, that doesn’t necessarily equate love just the wind down of the intimacy we just shared. Damn, maybe I’ve been sending the wrong signals all my life. DOH!

    lol

    • http://www.facebook.com/nikki.frankliln Nikki Frankliln

      Lol, u r probably a very affectionate person. I enjoy hugging & being close to a person that I like. :-)

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Word, that definition of love is a whole other post I want to touch on cause I get confused too sometimes. lol

  • beekayman!

    As a man…I agree with u nwso. It is all about communication…what are your actions saying? And for the record, that after sex cuddling should be reserved for the ltr and not for the booty call…it sends the wrong message. I know…it feels good! As a man in an open relationship I have learned how the littlest actions from you can mean something huge to somene else…..

  • Amber

    Yeah my guy loves me:)!

    I completely agree listening is an art form and most of us don’t listen enough.

  • bogart4017

    Look, i’ll call you all day everyday, go grocery shopping for you, go clothes WITH YOU, rub your feet when we get back, cook dinner and wash and put away the dishes. Just PLEASE don’t ask me to watch Golden Girls!! I’d rather have my nostrils probed with hot iron stakes.

  • Rastaman

    The essence of what you have stated NWSO is that men communicate their love more in actions than in words. This is unfortunately an understated truth….because I don’t think many ladies truly understand that.

    Many of the relationship issues we discuss in this forum often touch on women’s claim that they were misled by some man in their life because his words were contrary to his actions. Dude is always saying he loves her, he gonna be there for her, its not about the sex etc. etc. but never actually acting in that manner. I hate to say it again but LOVE is a VERB not a NOUN!!

    On the other hand, I have personally experienced someone in my life where I expressed my love by doing for and with her only to claim in the end she did not know I loved her because I wasn’t saying it all the time. In the end I figured out that she was on some different shit…one of those Fairy Tale thinkers.

    Just so it’s clear if a man treats you like crap, ignores you, never calls unless it is to get some, don’t want to know or care about whats happening in your life. He definitely does not love you, no matter how good the sex makes you feel or how much you think you can save him. Words are soothing but actions speak volumes.

  • JC

    Ahhh, the Fairy Tale Thinkers will do more damage than the man…

  • Elle

    Well, those signs and others can mean everything and nothing. Besides, what good is love if it doesn’t last? I don’t believe the hype – anymore.

    To me, the ultimate sign is when you can look back at decades of a lasting marriage.

  • Private Dancer

    In your open relationship do you snuggle with the main lady but not the other ones? Or is all sunggling off for you at this junction in your life? How about sleep overs? Open relationships intrigue me.

  • da ThRONe

    Isnt that a tad late Elle. LOL

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Word, I’d hope knowing the person loves you would be a precursor to a decade AFTER marriage.

  • Womanofyr

    Texting is fine during the day. If he calls he should have some convo. I once knew a guy who would call and ask questions, then when I ask something, he would say he’ll call back. He would call 5 times a day and do that. So he managed to make the verbal convo one sided. I couldn’t stand him.

    The convo doesn’t have to be important. I think it’s nice when you can talk to someone for hours, almost about nothing: Like in a trance and not remember most if it, lol. As far as listening, I don’t care if he’s listening: I don’t always say what he wants to hear, or maybe the convo is not that important to me at the time.

    When the convo flows or he has patience with me for convo and things we do (not rolling eyes, or something; because he likes my company), when we actually know a lot about eachother, we are in each other’s lives in many areas, he’s encouraging and looks out, etc. etc. and I like for him to say the L word eventually because love is a decision (some guys don’t know they in love), with all these things happening, then I would say we are going to get closer. It has to be natural. If this thing continues on then we got a good thing going for ourselves.

    I also check myself, because if I’m kinda resentful at times, then there is something that bothers me that I have not spoken up about, or he just can’t explained away or something.

    Crying? I wouldn’t put a huge meaning on the crying. If he cries fine, if not fine. He may be sensitive. But does he have those feelings towards me.

  • The Duchess

    LMAO! You sound like my fiance!!! I LOVE GOLDEN GIRLS :D

  • http://primarythoughts.net Melanie

    Very interesting… I just posted “Is Love a Gift?”, which leaned towards figuring out the definition of love. But to answer your questions…

    Do you appreciate someone that’s interested in you actually calling as opposed to texting?

    I like both – they both serve a purpose, besides pics can come with texts :D

    How important is voice-to-voice communication in determining whether or not you like someone?

    It’s important, but nothing is clearer than face to face – body language is enormous.

    Do you agree that listening is an art form?

    Yes. For some it comes naturally – a gift. Others… lost hope.

    Does good conversation enhance your attraction for someone?

    Absolutely.

    Do you appreciate someone that’s willing to sacrifice their time to do something you’re interested in?

    Absolutely, as long as it’s done with an open mind. Don’t come along with a pissy attitude.

    Do you see crying as a very intimate experience between two people?

    Depends on the cry. If you’re going to cry at everything like David (daughter’s boyfriend)from Roseanne’s old tv show… no.

    Would you lose or gain respect for someone that was able to cry in front of you?

    No – it would be a moment, but I don’t think it would change my level of respect unless I thought they were faking.

    Have you ever said “I love you” and not meant it? Why?

    Yes, when I was pretty young, it was at the end of a relationship. I was still trying to access my feelings. It was one of those habitual “I love you’s” at the end of a convo. I’m sure it happened.

    What signs do you use to tell if someone is genuinely in love with you?

    Hmm… don’t want to write a book here, and I’ve said this b4, but it seems there are a lot of men that are very good at verbally capturing a women, only then to not consistently back it up with action. While on the flip side women are action oriented nurturers that piss off a lot of men by being too intrusive… so, of course it would be a combination of things, but consistency speaks to me. I’m not interested in real HIGH highs, and real low lows.

  • Mz. Ashley

    Just so it’s clear if a man treats you like crap, ignores you, never calls unless it is to get some, don’t want to know or care about whats happening in your life. He definitely does not love you, no matter how good the sex makes you feel or how much you think you can save him. Words are soothing but actions speak volumes.

    i totally agree with this statement…don’t fool yourselves ladies, you cant honestly tell if he loves you or lust you!

  • http://journal.koneko.org Christine

    This post holds a special place in my heart because I’ve experienced all of these scenarios, only to eventually lose them. I agree wholeheartedly that its all the action, the active interest, that makes the ultimate difference. Also though, its important to realize that who you are has to be reinforced on a regular basis in order for those actions to continue. His signs of love aren’t just to get him to love you, but to keep him in love with you as well. Sex can skew the whole thing though because for women, it is hard to make the distinction between which emotions are real and what’s not.

    I fall outside the norm of women in that I’m a huge texter and generally don’t care for talking on the phone. But if he really wants to heart my voice, that’s cool. I’ve only met one man who I could speak with about anything, and we were together for six years before breaking up. Sadly, I hold no hope for finding or experiencing a love like that again. I’m afraid, I’ve become “one of the boys” when it comes to matters of the heart…

    But cynicism aside, listening is a key element in the “love process”. The whole idea of trusting someone is to be able to confide in them and trust their feedback. As for shopping, don’t believe that too much. Some guys are into the dressup thing more than you might realize, and it can extend beyond into non-lingerie items. That ends up being about sex no matter what. Crying, real emotional stuff, I think is the ultimate. There lies real trust; it means, I know can be vulnerable with you and you won’t judge me.

    Sadly I just don’t believe any of it anymore, especially after my ex broke up with me because he didn’t love me anymore.. *shakes head* That really messed with my head and what is considered “love”. He did all those things above, but wasn’t in live with me. How do you explain something like that…

  • Mz. Ashley

    oops i meant to say, you CAN

  • AD

    Do you appreciate someone that’s interested in you actually calling as opposed to texting?
    I like talking on the phone because I want to hear his voice. However, I’m not much of a phone person and like to touch who I’m talking too.

    Do you agree that listening is an art form?
    I have to admit that I use to be a person that just waits for my turn to interject during a conversation (keywords people-‘use to be’). Now if I’m not interested in the conversation I’m hearing the teacher’s voice from Charlie Brown ‘wah, wha, wah, wha’), however, if I’m interested in a guy I’ll listen to what he says and then reference it to the points I’m making. (After reading this, I seem a lil bit selfish with my listening skills…hummm)

    Does good conversation enhance your attraction for someone?
    Let me tell ya….when it comes to dating I have ADHD…if he can’t hold my attention after 5 mintues into the conversation…it’s a wrap!

    Do you appreciate someone that’s willing to sacrifice their time to do something you’re interested in?
    I most definitely appreciate that he is willing to sacrifice just because I’m interested in it. I will do the same for him (I don’t care for football but I will watch it and without interrupting).

    Do you see crying as a very intimate experience between two people?
    I view crying as showing vulnerability and I hate it when I do cry (hell I cry because I’m mad for crying!) Therefore when you show your vulnerable side to someone you’re showing you trust them and don’t mind showing them this side of you.

    Would you lose or gain respect for someone that was able to cry in front of you?
    Now if he’s crying because his favorite football team lost…then side-eye he gets! But if he is expressing his feelings on issues that concern his manhood emotionally such as family relationship, previous female relationships….then I’ll feel honored that he shared it with me at a time he is vulnerable. In return I will make sure to not to de-foul that shared experience (men are very sensitive about showing vulnerability and having it thrown around all nonchalantly by another).

    Have you ever said “I love you” and not meant it? Why?
    I only said I love you once while in a relationship. Why because I truly loved him. I have been in many relationships and didn’t even thunk (yes I said thunk) of saying I love you because I didn’t mean it. As my mom says…don’t say nothing you don’t mean!

    What signs do you use to tell if someone is genuinely in love with you?
    Getting and wanting to know someone takes effort. If a guy is really feeling me then he will make an effort to do so. If I see he doesn’t…move on to the next!!

    Great post NWSO!
    @ MsBlackmanSays….girl I’m waiting on the ladies list too!!!! I know for me giving up my selfishness is a tell-tale sign I’m in love with him.

  • Womanofyr

    Yes, he definitely have to say the words too. Some guys are just nice like that, treat women well. Or have personality plus or something. Or maybe the good behavior shows how sensitive he is, or well rounded. So I think a sensitive guy would not pretend to be in love; saying the words and be lying. Well most times.

  • Elle

    LoL yes it is. That’s why it is pointless.

  • Caramella

    From experience, everyone will have different ways of showing that they are really into someone. But for most guys in general, is when they make the effort to really know a girl and for the girl to know them. The guy will introduce you to close friends and his family. To not only see how the girl interacts with friends and family, but to also get feedback. You will be a part of his life and not just someone he sees when convenient.
    Many females want to be in relationship so bad, that they are blinded to the fact when a guy is truly not into them. They make excuses for the guy or just feel that they are not worth the genuine love of someone else.

  • Elle

    I agree. However, there are dudes who have perfected their game to treat women like they are deeply in love and all about that woman, making her feel like she is the special lady in his life. At the same time, they never call her their girlfriend or give her any other “title”. Ergo: they can pull the “Oh, I never said we were together” card.

    My point is: it is neither just actions or just words. It’s a combination of the two that needs to match up.

    • AnnelliDAREAL

      AGREED 200%.

  • michel

    you are so very right about love being a verb and not a noun. that is why i have not been pressed about my man saying it to me bcas it is in ALL of his actions. we as women have to realize the men express their feelings in SO many different ways. the Fairy Tale thinkers are CRAZY!!! he may not be the romantic but is he there for you when you TRULY need him? (i lost my job last Oct, he just kinda moved and started paying bills since we tend to spends lots of time together) does he except your who and what you are, flaws and all? (i am clumsy, at times goofy and very silly) does he make you laugh or keeps you crying? (my man keeps me ROTFF) does he make time to spend with you without you having to ask, beg or nag? (we both love to fish but the oil spill has put a dent in that!!! Fuck BP!!!) Love is something you should be able to see in a person EVERYDAY!! Love is ALWAYS moving forward in a POSITIVE direction, but that doesnt mean it will always be pain free.

    • AnnelliDAREAL

      I think you need both—even if it’s every once in awhile that he says “I love you”–that’s cool, but I think TRUE love is expressed in word AND in deed. If a guy never tells his girlfriend or wife that he loves her, that would be suspect to me at some point in the relationship.

  • R.e.D

    Yeah, I think you’ve been doing it wrong all these years, lol!

    Women analyze every single thing that a man does or says. Everything. And since most times men don’t communicate verbally all that well, we have to use his actions as a guide. NWSO, how in the world does the woman you are really feeling and the one you are just having sex with, get the same treatment post-coitus? I am not saying be disrespectful, but you can’t lay in bed for an extended time with some chick that’s just a booty call. @ beekayman said basically this same thing.
    Or think about it in another way: How do you FEEL after intercourse? Do you really want her to leave and just being a nice guy about it or do you want her to spend the night?

  • beekayman!

    Well I always snuggle with my fiance (my primary partner). If there is someone else, they know that there are boundaries. But it it depends on that person as an individual…my fiance is bisexual so sometimes we have been involved with the same woman, and that has been more intimacy amongst really good friends than a quick roll in the hay. We were in many ways dating her. The woman I have dealt with without my lady have been partnered, so they have similiar boundaries and we know we are just good friends that are really attracted to each other. With that said..it takes constant and vigilant communication between everyone involved, directly or indirectly.

  • http://kayemichele1.wordpress.com Kaye Michele

    I wrote about that once, the definition of love…it’s so broad and yet so specific at the same time…

  • Rastaman

    @Elle
    What game are you talking about?
    Is love a game?
    If it is, what is the prize?
    C’mon girl, shake off that cynicism. Men are not out to get you. You got more life and love ahead of you than you have behind you.

  • Shola

    Elle you are SO on the money with this post.
    Yes actions speak louder than words, but actions dont mean ish if they exist in a vacuum. Some dudes out here deserve an oscar for the roles they play…

  • mse

    Anslem: I proposed to you on The Industry Cosign, but you didn’t respond so I’m guessng it’s ’cause you didn’t see that message yet. LOL

    N E who…Best article I’ve read about what guys think. I love that it comes from a dude!

    Hate having to tell my girlfriends who are heat-seeking missiles when it comes to “trolloping” after men that it doesn’t take much to realize how a guy feels. We are emotional creatures so as much as what you say is 100% accurate there will be those who will fall by the wayside and still miss all of these very clear indicators. I myself need a refresher esp. prior to and after hanging out for the weekend. Ok so he didn’t ask for a number….Maybe he was just nervous and I need to “help” him along? NOTE TO SELF: No sweetie, let it go, he’s not that into ya! LOL

    Neither guys or girls like to be rejected, but instead of moving on like you all easily do, we girls conjure up a million ways to make it work including putting out.

    I hated that movie BTW, “He’s Just Not that into You” for a list of reasons none of which had to do with the fact that guys are really straightforward in their feelings and that there’s little that we can do to change that.

    I do agree with everything you shared esp. communicating via phone or even in person vs. text. I hate txtn for biz let alone a one-on-one with a dude. If you text it’s b/c you held hostage and need me to call 911 OR, better yet, just wanted me to know that you’re thinking about me. ;o]

    I’ve booked marked this article so I can refer to it after each encounter. It’ll help me not waste time “going there…”

    Thank you! Oh and it’s alright if you say no, I’ll understand…I promise. ;o]

  • http://twitter.com/bsquared86 BSQUARED86

    Do you appreciate someone that’s interested in you actually calling as opposed to texting? — Yep. If for no other reason than to hear his voice.

    How important is voice-to-voice communication in determining whether or not you like someone? –Very. There are things you can hear in a voice that you can’t detect in a text. Sincerity is one of them.

    Do you agree that listening is an art form? — I do. There is a difference between “hearing” me and “listening” to me. Listening means that you can participate in the conversation with more than just a few well placed common phrases. Listening also means that you can let me get what I need to say out and realize that the response I need may be nonverbal.

    Does good conversation enhance your attraction for someone? –Definitely. It makes the attraction more than physical.

    Do you appreciate someone that’s willing to sacrifice their time to do something you’re interested in? — Of course. And I expect to do the same with them. I also expect to compromise sometimes, too. You may not want to trek with me to every story, so meet me at the foodcourt. It’s all good, lol.

    Do you see crying as a very intimate experience between two people? –Yeah. I’m a very sensitive person but I often guard that side from others. If I feel like I can cry around you without feeling weak, we are intimate on a level that goes beyond basic companionship. And if a man cries infront of me (and it’s not crocodile tears), I’m a goner, lol.

    Would you lose or gain respect for someone that was able to cry in front of you? –If he cries for every little thing like a baby that doesn’t get his way, I can’t deal with him. But, being emotional is nothing to be ashamed of IMO. It’s not a matter of respect to me, it’s a matter of sincerity.

    Have you ever said “I love you” and not meant it? Why? — Yep. I was 16. That should explain it, lol.

    What signs do you use to tell if someone is genuinely in love with you? –Wow, I think most of them would depend on the person. The most universal thing I can think about is when they think of “us” as a unit and not “you and me.” If we’re in love it’s no longer about the individual.

    Ha! This is my first time actually answering the questions, lol. That was long.

  • beekayman!

    …and generally no sleepovers and I generally do not deal with women who are not actively dating other people but most things have room for discussion.

  • http://thecandyshoppe.wordpress.com Ronnie6676

    I really liked this post. Very practical ways of deciding if the man is indeed serious about his relationship with you or not. For me telephone conversations are very important. I do a lot of texting, bbm, email but if a man wants to get to know me personally then he must call me. I need to hear his voice and conduct a conversation to even begin to be able to decide if I want to pursue an in person meeting. Perhaps I’m old fashioned…remembering all the teenage nights falling asleep to the sound of the other persons voice. But its something that I need.

  • Caramella

    Hey Beekayman, have you and how do you deal with booty calls that catch feelings? Also, what set boundaries do you and your fiance have established for your open relationship?

  • http://www.AConleyCreation.com karmagini

    If the man really is into you, you won’t have to wonder if he is or not. Also important to note is you cannot make someone show their love for you. It has to be of their own initiative.

    I’ve found that my man follows the 3 P’s outlined in Steve Harvey’s book: Profess, Provide & Protect.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    I’ve never fornicated and kicked a woman out. Any time a chick left soon after it was because she wanted to, the cold side of the bed with the wet spot was always welcome to her. lol. Those that left either had to tend to a kid, was weird about sleeping at a man’s house (I blogged about that a while back) or had somewhere to be.

    As for wanting someone to leave, that only happened after a bad episode or a drunken-why-did-I-do-that/her-episode. In that case I happened to be at her crib or on an out of town creep and was stuck either way. I’ll be damned if I’m troopin out in the cold.

    Hey, I’m a passionate guy so I i’m either all in or I’m not in at all. Sorry if that confuses you. I say what i mean, and do it like I live here. lol

    • http://www.facebook.com/nikki.frankliln Nikki Frankliln

      Lol. That is what a passionate & considerate man would do.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Peace sis,

    nah, sorry not registered with Ced;s site, just get his tweets when he reposts my articles. So I missed the proposal. lol

    #Flattered

    True indeed men and women communicate differently. While this is just my personal take it’s a guide as I said that not every man is the same, but the underlining theme holds true. It’s all about someone’s willingness to know and grow with you genuinely. Hopefully you can discern the real from the fake.

  • gagyrl

    TC the fact that you know that The Notebook exists tells me you have been pretty close. Lol ;-)

  • d’Eva

    OK, so my man does all the above mentioned: he calls me regularly (at least once a day), he is the best listener, he cried when we broke up some years ago (we are back together now) and his eyes still get misty when we talk about his departed grandma. He is not eager to go shoppin with me, but he will go if I ask him to. Same goes for watching a girly-girl movie or serie like Desperate Housewives (LOL). According to moi, his “I love you-s” ought to be said a bit more frequent, as most of the times Im the one to ‘provoke’ him in saying this. But thats all fine by me. Nonetheless here is what worries me: if before he used to move mountains to make sure Im satisfied (sexually) before he is and now he is a constant party crasher and once the party, correction HIS party is over, he apologizes, kisses me and promises to make it up later that night but never does not! Is he really into me? I mean you ve excluded everything that has to do with sex, which I totally agree with. But what if he checks on every single item mentioned on your checklist, but the sexual gratification aspect is just no good? I would add to this list of yours, that finally when it comes to the deed that is really when he will show how much he cares to make you the happiest person in the world!

  • beekayman!

    One thing we do is make sure we know, to the best of our ability, who we are dealing with. Is this person, spoiled, needy, lonely, independent…we try to get as much info as possible before we get involved. It helps us make better choices. Another thing is being aware of their actions, watching their expressions, and listening to them, all at the same time. If they are catching feelings and you are paying attention, you will know. And if that happens, we don’t deal with that person anymore.
    As far as boundaries….and boundaries are always changing depending on what’s going on in our lives at the time…..no holding hands, no sleeping over, some types of sex are reserved for my lady, and being aware of the time spent and time communicating with others is important to me. Also, our boundaries are not always the same so some things are negotiated. We just make our relationship comes first. When we are clear it helps others stay clear about what it is and what it is not. Timing is very important…if there is a time when we are working a lot and or something is draining our energy like family issues or health issues or anything that is a challenge we do not deal with anyone else. We make sure we are each others support. I have an old blog on blogspot called ebony eyes wide open and a newer one called love in flux on wordpress.

  • d’Eva

    And with making you the happiest person I mean to put his lady before himself as his lady does the samen, putting her man before herself. If that is not that a balanced love, then what is?

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    True indeed, the physical display of one’s love/feelings is equally important but shouldn’t trump all that happens outside the bedroom. As we’ve discussed before the real-life actions outweigh sex and actually enhances it.

    Now, if your lover was once attentive and starts to wane in the details department that may or may not mean he loves you any less (if he did at all) but perhaps a bit of the spice is lacking. That speaks more to selfishness really. He used to be just as concerned with your pleasure (as he should) as he was his own. I’m from the school of thought where as long as I’m focused on my partner’s pleasure and she on mine, we’ll both be happy. When one person just focuses on their own then there needs to be a discussion.

    Not sure if it’s a definitive sign of him not being in love but there’s definitely a shift. Just a matter of figuring out what that is boredom, tired, selfishness, cheating or what. Only way to know is by addressing it in a good manner, like, how come we don’t do this anymore or I really love when you do XYZ because it drives me wild. Stroking his ego just a bit should help inspire him to wanna get that old thing back unless he really is just a selfish prick. Lol

    Just my two cents.

  • beekayman!

    Also…and forgive me if someone has touched on this already….I believe that two people can do everything right and still not be compatible. Sometimes we force ourselves do believe this is the person for us. Sometimes the booty call is supposed to be just that….the friends with benefits is what works. For me in the past that has happened…the woman looked good, was smart, we shared interest, sex was good, so I thought it was on. After taking some time and learning who she was, I realized that there were something that did not work for the long term.

  • R.e.D

    I don’t recall that blog. (which is strange actually)

    You’re bloody right I am confused, lol! But hey, as long as your women understand, that’s all that matters. IMO this only worked for you all these years b/c your communication skills are on point.
    Oh, you did allude to this fact in the end..

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    May have been before your time here on NWSO http://nwso.net/2009/01/21/she-wont-spend-the-night/

  • Elle

    @Rastaman
    Love shouldn’t be a game but it is being treated that way. I never said anyone was out to get me or anybody else for that matter. All I am saying is that the old adage “actions speak louder than words” is incompleter or faulted. Cause actions can lead you to interpret them one way when in reality they are meant another.

    As long as folks are giving their booty calls the same treatment as they would give their partner, there will be confusion and heartbreak.

    It isn’t cynicism. It’s realism.

  • mse

    Blah blah blah…so [you] missed the proposal…Now that you know and you’re #flattered now what? You’re a guy you’re supposed to just say yes (“Cool! Let’s do this”) or no (“Thanks, but I’m good shawty!”) Think about it, but holla back fast. I got two other fellas on the short list that I’m trying to make into a king. First come, first served. One-man-chica on a mission here. Toot toot, beep beep! LOL

    I spent a lot of time around guys through college (being the only granddaughter the same age as the males in the family, a host of uncles and then my male BFF). What you said is true for every guy I know period. One guy I met broke it down to the simplest denominator: a guy knows within the first 5-8 minutes of meeting a girl if he wants to take her home to meet his moms or just take her home (for the night)… I thought that couldn’t be true until I tried it myself and it actually works. Within moments of meeting or talking with a guy (if you’re listening) you’ll know what’s up. It’s whether or not you want to accept the truth, daydream or play the field.

    Learning to be discerning is a good thing to practice. ;o]

    Peace bro!

  • The Q-Man

    Very good points. Men are very basic creatures, and when we do non-basic things, you can definitely attribute it to a woman. If a man loves football, and he skips a sunday of it to be with you, he’s damn sure in love. Women drop the ball on this a lot. As long as they dont take advantage of it, a man will always do things out of the norm for the woman he loves. Problem is, they do take advantage. Give em one sunday, they want every sunday. You get the idea. See my blog at http://www.qmanworld.com

  • http://thegoyslife.com/thegoysgirlwonder AGirlNamedGoys

    Your husband has never gone shopping with you or watched something he wouldn’t with you??? Strange. I think the author is right, when you really love someone you don’t mind exploring things in their world that aren’t a part of yours. That’s a part of getting to know someone. How can you know and be in love with someone if there are all these blanks where you have no clue about how that part of their life is? Im not trying to come at your marriage, but just think of how that sounds

  • http://thegoyslife.com/thegoysgirlwonder AGirlNamedGoys

    They crying over tragedies was a key, insightful point. This article has my vote :-)

  • http://www.dashofreality.wordpress.com Dash

    Great list but I don’t know about crying. I’ve only seen my father cry once in my life and generally I don’t see men crying unless it is a seriously sad situation and those (God willingly) don’t come up that often. So crying should be in the “very long term” category. I’m not the most comfortable person around tears but I would never down a man for crying privately with me.

  • irastaana

    it’s true! based on my real life expeiences, lucky, i found him

  • Psudeo

    The individual in the picture included seems like the most sluttish whore imaginable.

    Speaks ‘a thousand words’ for the quality of the content of the article.

  • rockstar1

    I guess the crappy part is when the guy does all this and you know they love you, but you don’t love them back. I’m pretty sure this happens frequently to both men and women.But it makes you feel like you’re a jerk when you don’t share those feelings with someone who is so genuine. It may just be because there is a specific person for everyone out there, and there would have to be because there are plenty of good people out there, but the first one you come upon may or may not be the right one for you.

  • Lady Belle

    There’s different levels and different extremes of being “inlove” One could be very deeply inlove or one could be mildly in love. I for one and looking for that very deep type of love. That’s the one that you marry. And it’s shown by his level of interest. Some people don’t know how you tell or gauge interest so I’ll say you can can tell he wants more. But how much more and is that “how much more” proportionate to what you’re trying to give. If not, then he might have a “little” bit of feelings for you but not the one for you, because a small amount of interest in you is non-lasting as opposed to a very big interest. And the same for you ladies, don’t become involved with somebody just because they’re interesting in you, Pay attention to the level of interest you have in them. Let’s not waste anybody’s time. 

    • Lady Belle

      I apologize for the obvious multiple typos.

  • Bob

    This hurts my heart.

  • Unknown User

    The worst article I ever read

  • bob

    we never do wat i want i always do wat he wants does he care does he really love me 

  • Daffodils1498

    If he is not a person who like to talk or call you, but he never missed to reply any of your message. He also did not start to message you unless if he has things to ask. But he never show that he dont like you neither he try to avoid you. I am confused, because the man that i like is not indicate sign as mentioned. I know he likes me, he never stop looking at me when we are together even in front of his family. :( :(

    But HE NEVER TELL ME THAT HE LIKE or LOVE me … I dont like silent language… huhuhu

  • http://www.facebook.com/ramk.roz Amy Lane

    Great tips and tricks!

    I used these tips and tried MoxyMatch website to find my soul partner.
    —————————————————————————-

  • http://www.facebook.com/ramk.roz Amy Lane

    omg! this was very helpful! thank you! i also found this other place called moxymatch it helped me alot with my relatioinship problems!

  • Carrie

    What does it mean when a guy says I don’t know how you got my heart?

  • Laura

    “I’ve found myself caught up in plenty of one-sided conversations with women where I could give a rat’s ass about what she was talking about.”

    It’s where I COULDN’T. Seriously, people make this basic mistake all the time. If you could give a rat’s ass, a damn, etc, then you care. If you couldn’t give a damn, then you don’t.

    It’s called English. You’re welcome.

  • V

    I started dating this guy at work 6 months ago and everything was cool. The conversations flowed naturally between us considering that we have so many differences in cultural background alone (He’s Syrian and I’m Filipino-Chinese). I noticed he was more verbally engaged with me and that he was comfortable talking to me. Then, the new year came in and we had a fight, he told me “I just couldn’t see you in my future”. We then had a week’s vacation of space and when I started becoming indifferent towards him and gave him the space he wanted, he texted me and apologized. Well, after the 15 days of vacation from work, he got back from Turkey and he broke up with me. Of course, I asked “what went wrong?”. He simply said, he just doesn’t see a future for the both of us and that it wasn’t me, there was something wrong with him. During the week of not being together, he wanted us to be friends but I told him I couldn’t because I was not ready and that I was still attached to him and it’s unfair to me. I wanted space. I gave him all his stuff back before he left me in my apartment. It was horrible. A week went by, and it was awkward at work but I pretended that everything was cool. Then one night I bumped into him as I was leaving the apartment and he said he wanted to apologize. He looked so confused and distraught. And then, I told him he was the one who didn’t know what he wanted. When I was pleading to him that we should give it another shot, he just wouldn’t allow it so I was mad and confused and I just wanted out. I walked away and he went the other direction but ended up running after him. After that, he started being all nice again and treating me like how he used to when we were dating. It’s weird because I don’t know what his intentions are. Maybe it’s just an “old toy syndrome”.

    • V

      After a couple days, he went back to my apartment to “talk”. And he told me that he felt that an important of his life went missing and that though he knows that the future is still unsure, (because of the war in Syria) and he doesn’t know how he will be able to provide a future for us, but he wants with me and that he loves me. That he values our time together and he thinks I’m a cool gf. Do you think there’s still hope for us? I’m not asking him to marry me. I just want a “commitment” on his part. I really hope everything will be better this time.

      • NWSO

        I’d say take the man at his word. Despite his “confusion” it sounds like that’s when he’s speaking most honestly. He said it repeatedly that he didn’t see you in his future. If he can’t see it, how can it ever be?

        It may hurt or be hard but sounds like you should just leave this guy alone. He may love you and vice versa (although I didn’t hear that from your letter on either side) but he clearly isn’t in a space to give you everything that you need. Will that possibly happen in the future? Maybe, but definitely not now. The more you put into this relationship with no “future” the harder it’ll be to get over. Back away and if it’s meant to be it will be but only when his head and heart is clear.

  • Judy Chao

    Some part is true but not all. One ex of mine did do all that, he did everything for me without me acknowledging it but instead toward the end he cheated. Then I knew some other guys who just don’t give a shit. They will not change for you or do the things you want to do.
    But finally, i’ve met someone who is willing to do everything for me and who’s willing to listen. He had really showed me a lot but in the beginning was kinda tough with a lot of disagreements.

    You can’t really tell how the guy feels even though if he shows it. Some guys could just be doing it as mind playing until he gets into your pants.