6 Things Women in Love Do (How Guys Know She’s the One)

0 Posted by - September 27, 2010 - Guest Socks, Relationships, Love & Marriage

Image courtesy of Alephunky

WORDS BY MSBLACKMAN

I was immediately intrigued by the title of NWSO’s post “6 Things Men In Love Do (Does He Really Like Me?)” when I first saw it via Twitter last week. Based on my own previous relationships I could agree with some of things that were written (i.e. the guy calling, listening, doing something he wouldn’t normally) but had to disagree on a few others (i.e. I hate shopping and I know some dudes that have never cried or just don’t do it). So while NWSO made a good attempt (kudos, smile), at the same time, I think he should have polled some male readers and/or his personal friends to get some other viewpoints as well.

Anywho… After reading that particular post, it got me thinking about how I knew I was really in love with my previous boyfriend. I actually had a similar convo with one of my close girlfriends the weekend before last on the things women do for the men they love, so here’s my list of “6 Things Women in Love Do.”

NOTE: This is my list, so some women/men may agree, some may not (#kanyeshrug) but here goes:

SHE’LL COOK FOR YOU

Now before any ladies try to “go in” on me, let me explain my POV. I know a number of single women (myself included) who might be cool eating cereal for dinner, or a PB&J sandwich after a long day at work. Sure, she may know how to make a few meals (e.g. fried/baked chicken, lasagna, etc.) or she might be a freakin’ chef, but for the most part she’s not throwing down in the kitchen just for herself. Yes, there are a few sisters who will, but you get my drift.

The saying goes that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” and I’d agree that that’s about 75-80% true for most men. So when a woman is in love, trust me, she’ll go that extra mile to “throw down” in the kitchen for her man. If she can’t cook, she may sign up for cooking lessons or if she’s “in good” with the family take lessons from his mom/aunt/sister on that home cooking he might be used to (e.g. mom’s famous sweet potato pie). Regardless if she can or can’t cook, she’s going to make sure that her man knows that the kitchen is definitely one room (among many) that she knows her way around.

SHE’LL LEARN ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE SPORT

This one applies to the man who actually enjoys sports, because as I’ve learned over the years is that not all men do. Personally speaking, I’m crazy about sports—I love football, basketball, among a number of other sports—so for ladies like me this rule may/may not apply.

Many women have to deal with losing part of their weekend with their man during sports season because he’s either chillin’ with the boys watching a game, or, even if he’s home with you, his focus is on the TV. So to increase that quality time on the weekends with their boo or to get invited to attend that game (instead of him taking his best boy) many women will learn the “ins and outs” of their man’s favorite sport, including the players on his favorite team, watching and keeping track of drafts, joining a fantasy league, etc., because they love that man.

For the lady who’s already a lover of sports, she may try to learn more about the team he loves (if she isn’t a fan) so she can show she cares about her man. Or, let’s say she loves sports but not the one he loves (e.g. boxing) she may host a fight party at her place and learn a little bit about the sport and some of its key figures because she loves him.

SHE’LL WATCH/DO SOMETHING SHE WOULDN’T NORMALLY

I couldn’t disagree with NWSO’s argument here. Just as men are particular about certain movies and TV shows so are women. For many men sports is just as important to them as shopping is to some women. A lot of men I meet are crazy about the newest action or horror flick that’s opening this weekend, where a woman might be more interested in seeing The Notebook (great movie by the way) but she’ll cringe through the blood and gore, or the boring plot of Transformers 2 because she loves her man and wants to be supportive of what interests him.

Just like how NWSO has been roped into watching one-too-many reality shows, I can’t count the number of times I’ve been roped into watching Entourage (sorry, not a huge fan), Animal Planet, a political commentary show (take your pick), or some zany series on the SPIKE network. But like many men, we women will sit there and endure the 30-90 minutes because that time is all about you boo!

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  • http://singablackgirlssong.wordpress.com Tarana

    Brava sistren. #nuffsaid

  • MsBlackmanSays

    Thanks much…just giving my POV.

  • sunshyne84

    I think we tend to do these things even before we actually fall in love. We hope by doing some of these things that they’ll like us.

  • paulette_bajan_gal

    I agree with everything but the last one.Trust is earned.If you think your man is cheating…he is.A womans’ instinct is no joke…trust it.Unfortunately not all men are trustworthy.Even sometimes when you are years into the relationship…many women have found out dude was cheating after a long time.I have a friend who was with “the one” until she came home early and found another chick waiting for him outside their apartment.She was his boo too.And he treated them both like they were his Queen.I don’t say walk into a relationship in distrust but call a spade a spade.Saves a lot of heartache in the long run.

    But for real…I would wash his funky drawers, cook his favorite meal, watch his shows, babysit his elderly grandmother who needs her Depends changed every few hours if I really love the dude.No doubt.And I am a VERY independent woman.Any man worthy of being my mate will be taken care of like he’s a King if that ish is reciprocated.Take notes fellas.A good woman will take great care of you if you are a good man.

  • http://www.gangstarrgirl.com GangStarr Girl

    I was worried at first when I saw that you were going to post a response blog. I assumed that MsBlackman would say some generic, stereotypical things (to the tune of Sex and the City) but in all actuality, this was very well thought out and on point. I agree with everything she said except for the nagging part. I think nagging is a personality thing not a love thing; meaning, women who nag just haven’t learned how to communicate in a better way so even if she’s in love, if she’s already nagger then it’s probably not going to stop (at least until she gets the reality check that it’s not cool). But other than that, good job.

  • R.e.D

    You are right with this. Some women just nag. Hell, alot of women nag, lol! You can love that man to pieces, which is likely why you are nagging the poor thing so much….

    @MSBLACKMAN- You did a GREAT job with this post today!!!

  • http://msblackmansbriefing.com MsBlackmanSays

    I totally agree with you…trust is DEFINITELY earned, but when I say that she’ll trust you, it’s basically giving you the benefit of the doubt because of that love… like you said your friend gave your man that “trust” because 1) she loved him, and 2) he treated her like a queen.

    Now don’t get me wrong, that trust can be broken, and no woman should trust blindly, but usually when a woman is in love she will trust him a bit more (until that instinct kicks in telling her not too).

  • Lyndon

    All the things listed above is what MOST women do…. IN THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP. It’s one of the biggest manipulations and setups Ive noticed that women do. Especially the “no-nag” policy.

    It’s like an audition!!

    Once the man is hooked by the supposed praise and adulation, things suddenly shift back to the woman. She never like football in the first place. It soon becomes what can “HE” do for me?

    This is where things go incredibly wrong. Men get duped into a sense of security after being catered and pandered, then out of the blue complications set in. The jealousy, the tantrums, the mood changes and the “what about me” syndrome.

    All these things are non existent in the beginning. Then suddenly when women get comfy and the hooks are in, control and attention seeking behavior takes hold.

    Word to all women. Be confident from the very start. Dont appease. Dont do whatever we want, it will only come back to bite. If you dont like football, dont pretend. Be honest from the beginning, that way you have something solid to buld from. Let us know up front whethere you have occasional emotional outbursts….and why.

    Be yourselves. Don’t audition. This is not a scripted play. It’s real life. Say what you want, and how you like it. No need for deception, it will always come back to haunt.

    • Anon

      And men don’t do a similar thing by being attentive, sweet and romantic at the start – it’s not a woman only thing. Anyway would you continue dating somebody who told on the first or second date that they had occasional emotional outbursts?

  • R.e.D

    Wow, I can actually agree with you to a point. My female friend once told me to NEVER do anything for a man in the beginning of a relationship that you don’t intend to continue. For me, I am not a sports person. I watch basketball (occasionally) and the Super bowl, like twice, b/c really I just don’t care much about sports. I have never been with a man that was a sports fanatic, so this works just fine for me. I let men know from the beginning who I am and what I am about. Cooking: well really, I cook for myself, so by extension, it must be ok for me to feed you if you are at my place. Washing- I have a policy on washing: I Don’t. The only man’s clothes I am washing is my husband’s. That again, is known from the beginning. So I am not sure if women are trying to be fake, it is the beginning and you like someone, so you pull out all the stops. PLEASE don’t act like men don’t do the same thing.

    Personally when I love a man, he gets things from me later on in the relationship, not in the beginning. A man I ‘like’ does not get the same treatment as the man I am in love with (unlike nwso, who seems to treat all his women the same, lol). And just to be real, whenever I do something for/with a man that is not the usual for me, I tell him. So that he KNOWS, this is NOT the regular, but I am doing it b/c I am really feeling him. So from the get-go he knows this is likely not something I will do on the regular and he shouldn’t expect me to.

    What I do when in love:

    1) I send ‘just because’ cards in the mail even though we live in the same city.
    2) I keep his ‘favorite’ things in the house.
    3) Whatever he mentions he just ‘ran out of,’ I buy it without prompting.
    4) I dress up for him- hell maybe I just dress up, lol, have to think about this one!!
    5) I listen to his wants/needs/ and buy thoughtful gifts- not just expensive,meaningless ones and not just for bday and christmas.

  • http://www.waystogetbackyourex.com How To Fix A Broken Relationship

    So… All in all, there’s 11. Right?
    6 from you and 5 from the one above. I love your 2nd and the 2nd mentioned above. There’s no question about that abnormality we do sometimes. :)

  • Lyndon

    I wanna share a quick and painful experience with you. And this is one that many of my boys can co sign. The lone woman I fell in love with did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME. In other words, she didnt’t cater to me at all. In fact I did most of the work. This may be a familial defect, but Im noticing a trend amongst most of us (men that is).

    We want to chase. We want to be forced to prove we are worthy of your attention. Most of what youve listed Ive run away from and have abandoned countless times for one reason or another. But when you see so many women willing to give themselves so easily and readily, unfortunately, these types become dispensable. And the search continues for the one that is not impressed by what we have to offer.

    Have you ever noticed that the proverbial bitch always has a solid dude in her corner that she treats like shit? If you haven’t I have, and a few of these cats are friends of mine.

    In summation all you listed is incredibly endearing and thoughtful, just remember most won’t appreciate it. Sad but true.

  • Enid Wilson

    I don’t think I can stop nagging. And it takes me a long time to trust…

    My Darcy Mutates…

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    No, it’s 12. 6 + 6. :)

  • JC

    I tend to think this list is what women do in the hopes to get a man to commit to her. I say this because I’ve done it. It doesn’t work. Because a man can sense the game. There is no set formula when you love someone (and notice I say LOVE someone. I’m really not into the falling in love BS anymore)

    I am who I am. I will feed you while in my house, but if I don’t want to cook…guess what…we have take out unless you want to cook or help me cook. I won’t put on airs. It’s my house. If I invite you over for dinner, that is a completely different thing. But if we are just hanging out and get hungry it is a joint effort or its the combination platter at Wok Chang.

    With the exception of soccer and basketball…football is slowly becoming of interest. Sports isn’t that serious to me. That might change while dating someone that is a sports fanatic. I will sit and watch a game, reading, throw in a comment or too. If my partner wanted me to throw a party so his friends can come over and watch the game…cool great…I’ll hang around if I want if I don’t I won’t…but I’ll leave instructions, lol

    Comprising is a part of any relationship. There are different levels of comprising…and it is that point that will show someone how deep your love is and how committed you are to them and the relationship and building the relationship.

    Trust is like comprising to me, there are levels of trust. My trust level will be different when dating someone versus when the relationship is more established. Trust is earned through a series of comprising and communication. And trust is a two way street. He has to allow me the chance to earn his trust. He has to let go of the control sometimes. If he is too closed off to do that the relationship won’t work.

    I applaud Ms.BlackmanSays for her list. But I think the best way to show the person you are with that you love them is to be yourself and offer support, compassion, honesty, respect, a sense of humor.

  • Lyndon

    “Levels of trust”…check
    “falling in love BS”…check

    Applause

  • RighteousMama

    I am a recovering nagger. There is hope for us. It takes lots of reflection, commitment and grace. Whenever I feel the urge to nag, I would just be quiet. Funny, that is enough. During my quiet time I make a list of all the things bugging me and I try to condense my thoughts from 1,000 words to four of five brief points. Then I try to summarize those points into one basic, succinct, loving, instructional sentence about what I need or want. I’m doing much better. It’s a process. lol. I love this list. I agree it is important to be yourself because people must love who you really are, flaws and all. Great job, Ms.BlackmanSays. I must share this with my friends!

  • RighteousMama

    I just realized I am using my writing/editing skills to assist me with my relationship. LOL.

  • R.e.D

    Of course I agree. Some women are the same way, they want a man to treat them like dirt and that’s the one they are ‘in love with.’
    In my opinion, this is child’s play.Or perhaps you are a player. My male friends that are players have this mindset-subconsciously. Eventually though, when you get the proverbial bitch after the chase, you realize it is really just the chase and not the woman that you were most interested in. b/c in the long run, who the hell wants to end up with someone that treats them badly? You have to think long term. Don’t be a short term thinker, especially when it comes to women.

    I am 30, I want a man that treats me well. I am not sure how old you are, but most of the older men I know, want the same from women.
    Now people confuse being nice, with being stupid. I have always been treated reasonably well by my men, however, they are aggressive men that don’t do everything I want and have firm opinions and stand by them. I don’t date men that ask ‘How High?’ when I tell them to jump.That’s stupidity.And recall, I don’t do any of these above mentioned things in the beginning of the relationship. This comes much later down.

    And trust me, EVERY woman has a solid dude-or 2- in her corner, lol!She just doesn’t want that one- or 2. It is not that she treats him poorly, she just sees him in a platonic way.

  • Dave

    The last one is KEY. I think the thing that sticks out the most about what you say is that trust is necessary otherwise there is no relationship. It doesn’t seem like you are asking folks to be naive. What most women miss out on is if you THINK he is cheating be brave enough to confront him first (directly, as in a direct question) about it before you start playing Secret Agent Squirrel. Screw the female intution. It is wonderful but it is overrated. Because if you find nothing you have ruined the relationship dynamic….or if you know you are doing something you are a hypocrite which might be worse than the cheating.

    And can we start being real about this cheating thing, please? For the sake of growth and understanding between the sexes? Please?

    Women cheat probably as much as men in 2010. I’ve dated too many fiances and girlfriends to say otherwise. A friend of mine at work is hit on constantly by a female coworker and he is “friends” with her husband. I know enough women who have men thinking they are the father, and will think so until their dying day, when in fact they are not. The difference? Most men that claim to trust their mate tend not to play the espionage game thus giving these cheating women the time and space to correct their ish.

    Great list and well done. Thanks for sharing.

  • Candace

    Interesting point….Sad and often true LOL … However even knowing that I am not willing to put down, disrespect or be less than thoughfull with someone I care about…I just don’t see the point.

    - I know how to cook but won’t really cook to please
    - Already being a sports lover. I’ll learn about his favorite if I don’t already know it. I can support his team..unless there is an existing historical feud with my own favorite team :)
    - TV it depends lool I can watch anything but MMO
    - I will NAG because when I stop you can be sure I do not care
    - Definitely willing to compromise…isn’t it a must for a working relationship anyway?
    - I trust no one but my intuition and my good judgement about someone. I’m either right or wrong.

  • Rastaman

    While the list of things sounds really nice, I don’t think a woman extending herself to do those things is really proof of her being in love with me. Maybe I am a skeptic or an outlier but I have to co-sign with Lyndon on women being who they are because I am gonna damn sure be who I am…I don’t cry my feelings and I refuse to watch chick flicks..not because I don’t love you but because they would be unrelated to my true being.

    I don’t like women who nag, so if that is in your personality repetoire let it be known up front, so I can get to stepping. I love to cook for myself or for guest, I have never asked any woman to cook for me because truth be told, I am a way better cook than most I have encountered. So if you gonna step in the kitchen,do it because you like it and don’t pretend.

    I watch or do something I would not usually do because I am always trying to challenge myself, that is my personality. It may be inspired by the latest person I am associated with but its also an attempt to reassess my desires. There are foods I now eat that I never liked before because someone influenced me to revisit it or showed me a new way to prepare it. So being open to new things and reassessments and if that is who you are be that person if you are not then we may not be right for each other. that is ok too.

    Point is whoever you are be that person, it may not be everyone’s cup of tea but who loves you will no doubt love you for you. All that pretense or doing things that don’t reflect your true desires are bogus. Once I find that out, I am damn sure not gonna trust you. how can I , I don’t even know who you are…..you don’t know who you are. I think I now understand why so many women at the end of relationships claim they did so much for the man but what it really is they have contorted themselves into so many different people nowhere inline with who they truly are. I don’t know any true person who would want that or even ask for that at all.

    Compromise is at the core of any good relationship and that is expected. Because unless we are identical twins who grew up in the same environmeent we are gonna see, do and feel differently about some things. I don’t however expect you to compromise yourself into being someone just to please me. That for one cannot be psychologically healthy and wholly unattractive.

  • Gemini

    I do all of the above without being in love. Trust is earned. I love to cook and to feed a man is no problem. Its just food. The nag thing comes to play when I see that he has potential to do better or more then I push. I haven’t gone wrong yet. My ex was a person that did not appreciate my love, respect or trust yet benefited from my actions. He was never wrong yet never had an answer, and anything wrong was always my fault. Sagittarians! You gotta love them! He almost had me feeing that nice guys finished last. I am still looking for my last love.

  • Womanofyr

    Very true. Very true.

  • Yana Nichole

    absolutely! we are all victims of this.

  • Private Dancer

    This is very well stated. Older and wiser has me doing the same thing. It is a process for sure but pays off! It has helped bring not only a whole new level of better communication in my relationship; it has also brought me more peace. Now naggers bug me to be honest. I have a hard time listening to my girlfriends who do it to their men. Makes me wince since it almost an invitation for someone to shut down or walk out of a relationship.

  • ThaGoddess

    SHE’LL COOK FOR YOU
    I like to cook. I cook for him, and over the years, I’ve learned, perfected and created some of his favorites. And if he says he really wants something (complex) on the spur of the moment, I’ll grumble a little, and then make it and give him a kiss. I like to see him happy!

    SHE’LL LEARN ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE SPORT
    He’s a professional fighter (mma, etc.) so the more I saw him fight, the more we watched it, the more I learned about it. I don’t usually watch it when I’m alone, but I have no problem watching it if he turns it on. I even have my own favorite fighters and know how and why they are good, etc. For the record, it wasn’t a contrived act, a deliberate tactic to get closer to him. It just flowed, like we do.

    SHE’LL WATCH/DO SOMETHING SHE WOULDN’T NORMALLY
    See above.

    SHE WON’T NAG YOU
    I tell him something that’s bothering me, we work on correcting it. I tell him something that needs to be done (day to day responsibility sh*t), he tries to make it happen with me. I may have to remind him, but not often. I don’t believe in brow-beating a man (children/teens, hell yes). Nagging and pestering may get you what you want eventually, but the cost will be too high…

    SHE’LL COMPROMISE FOR YOU
    All day. If I DON’T compromise, then it must be very important or on a serious matter I have to stand firm in. He does the same.

    SHE’LL TRUST YOU
    I do. He tells me about all of the flirting and offers women give him, and we have a laugh together. I don’t worry if he has to travel outside of the country. He loves me, he values me, and he finds most people to be not worth complicating his life for. He always says “Pu$$y is free, everything else costs” and it’s not worth the cost for some random azz. lol I always say, “Good dwyck is easy to find, it’s all the other crap that comes with it I don’t want”

    In short, we are so compatible it’s sickening. I wish everyone could all get ill. :)

  • bogart4017

    That cooking part really helps (lol). But most important is compromise. If we’ew going to be in a relationship it should be about us not you and not me. There will be times when you have to sacrifice something. I don’t mind doing it as long as i don’t feel like i’m being taken advantage of or taken for granted.
    And no…if there is no trust there is no relationship. How am i suppose to shut both eyes at night if i can’t trust you?

  • Womanofyr

    I’m a good cook so I would always feed a man. Takeout is fine too. I feel if I can not treat him well, I should just move on. I don’t want to play games. I just want to be myself, cooking is one thing I do. But for a romantic dinner made by me, you gots to be someone special (a man who I might gaze into his eyes and not feel silly).

    Sports: I don’t really want to learn everything about it. But I like for the guy to teach me something about it (Maybe that’s a game I play, lol). I do get excited about plays that are made. But when the game is over, it’s not on my mind much until I watch a sports show.

    Trust: We both have to do our parts for trust to work. He gotta stop hanging with the town slut (stop putting himself in these types of situations where the emotional bond can turn into more), and I gotta trust that he has the character to be committed and faithful.

    I think good treatment is social skills. But when in love, I will gaze into his eye, smile when I see him, have good convo with both contributing (calling him for not particular reason). He become part of my life, not just out of site out of mind. If I saw him everyday, I wouldn’t think him a stalker, lol.

  • da ThRONe

    I dont want a women who does these things because she loves me ,but because she is that type of person. Like Lyndon said it’s all good in the beginning but will you do this everyday for the rest of your life?
    If not dont do it just because your smitten with me. I’m not trying to transform anybody. If you do something do it because it’s you.

  • Womanofyr

    What would happen if women did a lot of fake-out stuff like men? I guess men would become the naggers. lol

  • AD

    Rastaman…I make a MEAN ground turkey meatloaf! We might have to battle it out in the kitchen!

    - AD

  • AD

    Good list MsBlackman but these things sounds like actions women do to ‘reel’ a man in. I know because I have heard females say this is what they do to get the guy. Almost like game. However, there are women (VERY…very…VERY few) that actually do these things without any false pretenses in mind. And Compromise is like the one thing that both male and female find themselves doing in a relationship that they truly want to pursue.

    I will co-sign with JC. As a grown woman, I do what I want to do how I want to do it. If the guy don’t like then I respect that but let’s keep it moving!

    AD

  • http://www.lyndondavidjones.blogspot.com Lyndon

    HOLD THE PHONE!!!!!

    R.e.D. & Candace said…. “Most women have a solid dude or 2 in there corner… They just dont see them that wat… it’s just platonic”

    If this is the case… WHY IN THE HELL is there so much complaining about men being NOT incapable of true partners???????

    I dont want to believe this, but I think you are being honest. Women do disregard the “GOOD GUYS” in search for “The wrong guy”.

    If this is true…. Women have ABSOLUTELY NO ROOM TO COMPLAIN. You all actually HAVE men that are willing and proven able to treat you right, but you PURPOSELY decline!

    So if you two are correct, it’s not a “man” problem it’s a “I Make bad selections” problem. There seems to be fundamental problem at play. You mistake WANT for NEED. You WANT one thing, but what you NEED is someone who will treat you right. So you go for the one you have to “fix” or “train”!!!

    I’m gonna telll.

    So women do have choices afterall despite all the unfavorable odds. The secret is out. NO MORE COPLAINING

  • Candace

    Hum Lyndon…re-read my post maybe? I never said that that I had good men in my corner…I sure hope I would know about that LOL.I did say that I have a tendancy to want “to discuss issues” with my significant other.

    That being said it’s not untrue, I have a few friends who have good guys pursuing them and won’t give them a chance. WHY? I guess some women have their own version of the “bitchy behaviour addiction”. As far as I am concerned, lack of kindness, appreciation or consideration is the biggest turn off for me.

    I also have male friends that are really good men who will not pursue a good woman that they know to be interested in them but go after the pretty wome6n who snob them. …. So the problem is not specific to women is it

    There is also the whole attraction factor which cannot be faked, while we understand the difference between being in love and loving someone, we still hope we can find someone who can fit both bills.

  • ATLs.Marc.of.Excellence

    I can only agree to this list to a certain extent. If a woman is doing all that for me, I greatly appreciate it, but I always have to pay attention to the underlying motive. If you are doing all this to “keep” me, however honest of an intention that may be, it may not be entirely genuine. Case in point. Was dating a really nice chick who did all the things in Ms. BLACKMANS list. She seemed very confident and secure in herself… up until about 3 months into the relationship. She confessed to me that I was a greatest guy she had ever come across, and then proceeded to tell me about all these (older) jerks she had dated. Then she told me how none of them appreciated it when she did similar things for them. Now mind you, we were dating in my eyes, nothing serious. In fact, I constantly reminded her. But after those 3 months with no change in my behavior, it was like her self-esteem suddenly disappeared. It was if she had sent in her representative to deal with me for the first three months, only so I could provide her with the confidence she ultimately lacked. In other words, she was intelligent, classy, fun to be around, but was emotionally unstable. And when ladies like her do the things listed by Ms. BLACKMAN, it usually leads to a break up….learned my lesson though.

  • Womanofyr

    Marc.. It sound like you told her you were not so into her. She might have felt more, and wanted something mutual. If a guy tell me he aint exclusive, even after 3 months, I be thinking he just don’t like me much. Or something just aint right.

  • http://www.lyndondavidjones.blogspot.com Lyndon

    I didn’t read that anywhere in your post, but my bad for puttin you in my response like that. But you did understand what I meant?

    I have a question for all women. And maybe you can answer this…

    When dating, why do you all seem sooo afraid to say what you like and want?

  • http://thecandyshoppe@att.net Ronnie6676

    A big indicator for me is if I give the man access. Access to my life, family, friends and most importantly information about me and my past. There are things that I will only allow access to if I am in love.

  • R.e.D

    You have never heard me say here or anywhere that men are dogs, or how there are NO good men out there. I just haven’t found the right (NOT perfect) one for me as yet. Again, it comes back to compatibility. Just b/c I know ‘good’ men, that does not mean they are the ones for me in terms of compatibility. So don’t mis-interpret what I am saying. I am not one of those ‘he-treats-me-bad-so-I-like him’ type of woman. Like Candace “lack of kindness, appreciation or consideration is the biggest turn off for me.” as well. And you should go back to read her statement b/c she never said any of those things you mentioned.
    And no, I don’t lead anyone on or look for ‘bad boys.’ I just don’t have that time. But as women, there is always some guy that likes/wants to be with us and we just do not feel the same way about him. That’s life.
    I have had guys that looked really good on paper, but nothing clicked, so this cannot be forced nor can attraction. If you are not attracted to the guy, there is no point.Again, he can be fine as hell, yet something about him I don’t find attractive, so it’s a no-go. This last part may be confusing to men, but as a woman, just b/c a man is fine, that does NOT equate my being attracted to that man.

    Look, read my above statement again and don’t make inferences. What is there is what I meant, don’t read any more into it.

  • Brandi Taylor

    I agree 100% with the list above. Something I would like to add is this:
    when a woman is in love she will…
    a) Sand behind her man by any means necessary, we all know a woman who has stayed with a man through any circumstance, (addictions, prison terms, infidelity, abuse ect.)
    b) She will want to be apart of every single aspect in his life.
    c)She will do things that she wouldn’t normally do!

  • http://www.lyndondavidjones.blogspot.com Lyndon

    Agreed that you didn’t say 90% of what I wrote, but when you said you have experienced having solid guys in your corner, it brought me to a time in college when I heard the sweet refrain…”youre like my brother”, as she proceeded to continue an abusive relationship.

    My apologies

  • ATLs.Marc.of.Excellence

    Woman…
    I simply told her what dating is to me. I.e., hanging out, spending time, movies dinner. After 3 months she had this impression that we were destined for marriage. I have a habit of dating of one girl at a time, and if I’m not feeling her after 6 months, I break things off the best way I can. I know that may sound mean, but it has worked for the best more often than not. I may not know exactly what I do want, but it’s easier to identify what I don’t want. Again, she had some (serious) self-esteem issues, the kind where a professional needs to be involved. I know what it looks like firsthand, because I have been there before. I just wasn’t able to hide it so well, when I had low self-esteem. I honestly have nothing against her, and I hope that she can come to love herself wholly one day, and I wish her the best. She hates me now (more or less), but I realize that in the long run, it wouldn’t have worked out. Honesty is always the best policy in book, but it’s not always “good” honesty.

  • http://spchrist.blogspot.com spchrist3

    I like the list….

  • MsBlackmanSays

    All of the comments going back are very interesting to me but one in particular has caused me to ask this question…

    A few of you mentioned how a woman will do the things I listed in order to “snag” a man…so are you saying a man won’t do the same things that NWSO mentioned to get a woman? Are women the only ones that play games? I don’t think so.

    Mind you this is MY list of things I & friends of mine do to show we love our man. There are some other things I would have added (e.g. Access to her inner circle – fam/friends, unexpected gifts, etc.) but I limited my list to 6 like NWSO.

    There are always more things to add to show love & there are some folks who don’t use these things to snag a man or play games. Not everyone out there is playing around, some folks do want a serious relationship. Our problem is that many of us aren’t upfront in the beginning to say exactly what it is that we do/don’t want or what we will/won’t do.

    And FYI if you’re not interested don’t waste anyones’ time.

  • http://www.lyndondavidjones.blogspot.com Lyndon

    YES YES & YES. Men dont go to the extremes that women do in effort to be accepted. Women are bred to hook men. From early teen years you apply make up to decieve. Not a bad thing in totality, but presenting yourselves AS YOU ARE is not an option for so many women. We have to sort thru so much distortion to find out who you are, it’s frustrating.

    Men do it superficially, but nowhere near the extreme.

    MEN CHEAT, WOMEN WEAR MAKEUP

  • JC

    I know from NWSO’s post about men and what they do when “in love” some mentioned that what was listed men will do to get access to sex or do or say to women they aren’t in a committed relationship with, just someone they are seeing.

    I know from my reply that I never meant it to be taken as anyone playing games. I know when I pulled stunts like those listed above I did it because I wanted to be more appealing to someone I desperately wanted even though that little voice kept telling me we weren’t right. After someone I did all those things listed above for told me he was “in love” with me and then a week later said he was lying and was never “in love” I began to see what I had done. While I think the things mentioned are great they aren’t things that I would do to show someone I loved them. Your list isn’t what I would want used an the indicator of love. Trust, compromise, showing an interest in his interest, doing things for him (i.e. cooking for me/him) those things should be a given when in a relationship or guess what…we don’t have a relationship we’re just having sex, lol

  • Womanofyr

    Well, it seems she felt like a doormat. Men want to feel like kings. Women want to feel like queens.

    You told her how things were going to be.. A man knows if he is not planning to treat her like the queen.

  • Elle

    “I have a question for all women. And maybe you can answer this…

    When dating, why do you all seem sooo afraid to say what you like and want?”

    Who knows. It could be ton of reasons but at the core of it all is the fear of being rejected. At least that’s my opinion. Nobody likes rejection. That’s why folks lie, cheat, send their representative, don’t fart in front of the other … you catch my drift.

    Does that work? Maybe. At least for as long as you can keep the fassade up. Sometimes a person may even gradually change into the person they initially pretended to be. It could go either way depending on how far away the make-believe is from one’s true self.
    In some cases, women do not even change but a man’s perception suddenly shifts. Things he may have found cute now annoy the living crap out of him. Why? Maybe he fell out of love, maybe he wasn’t as into her as he thought he was. God knows.

    It’s all relative.

    I know I have done all of the things listed above. Not because I consciously wanted to send my representative but because I wanted to make the guy happy and knew that these were the means to an end. If a homecooked meal makes him happy why wouldn’t I provide him with one if it is entirely in my power to do so? It was never about “snagging” a guy but putting a smile on his face and the feeling of butterflies in his stomach. Nothing more, nothing less.

    However, I have come to the realization that the energy I have put into relationships/catering to somebody’s happiness is an utter waste of my time. People simply do not see it for what it is. They not only not appreciate it after a while but they expect it and feel entitled to it.
    On the other hand, men appreciate the tiniest hint of nice behaviour from a “bitch” as if she was making a huge sacrifice because it is a break from the (bitchy) norm and therefor very much welcomed.

    Ergo: The minute women stop worrying about whether or not a guy likes what they do, life becomes so much easier and more peaceful. If we add that to the equation of a woman in love = going all out as mentioned above, we will find that being in a relationship with somebody we are not really in love with is possibly the end of relationship problems as we know them.

    If I am not in love, I don’t expect to spend quality time, I don’t mind if I look fat in this dress, I don’t worry about where you are, I don’t nag you in hopes of changing things, I won’t talk to you during the game, I will not make you come shopping with me, I won’t drag you along to boring family reunions …. Why? Because I simply don’t really give a shit. And guess what? When women have that kind of approach, men all of a sudden want to do these things with them.

    Humans are twisted.

  • QuoteMan

    I agree with what most have said in regards to being who you are. My thing is don’t start shit you can’t finish. It’s better to be rejected for who you are, as opposed to getting accepted for what you’re not. Pretending only works for so long.

    Now, I’m big on sports but I’m also warming to a chick who doesn’t share my passion for football. If we’re to ever get serious and the game is on, someone has to answer the phone anyway Lol. So it’s not a big deal, matter of fact it’s a good thing.

    The rest of the list is great and all but, I don’t think it’s going to keep a brother with a different agenda.

  • http://thecandyshoppe.wordpress.com Ronnie6676

    Not all women wear makeup…I don’t…

  • http://www.AConleyCreation.com karmagini

    Sports: I enjoy some sports, but not as much as he does, so I don’t try to include myself in all his sports-related outings or get-togethers. He needs his me-time or guy-time, and he should be able to have it without me.

    I’ll ask questions to learn or participate with him if I’m open-minded to his hobby, but if I have no interest in it, it’s not happening. I think a lot of women get involved in their men’s interests just for the sake of it, or to be more attached. I just don’t relate because I’d feel I was losing some of my individuality. Couples don’t have to share all the same hobbies/interests. My dude is way into politics, and because I’ve never been, I don’t get into it.

    Nagging: I don’t nag because it’s not healthy or conducive to a smooth relationship… so it’s for myself and him.

    Everything else mentioned, I agree with and see them as existing for either gender. Good post.

  • Candace

    Make-up is supposed to enhance your features not deceive.
    I sure would not define makeup as an extreme tool :)

  • WendyK

    WOW, @Lyndon may have a made a great point, ya’ll. LOL!
    I have to admit that my friends have all called me some sort of player, but equally admit that when I find a guy that I like, I fall hard and give too much too soon. The issue is that I usually fall hard for the one that I have to “outsmart” or “be more patient” with in order to get him to “let down his guard”. I feel that I am in this situation right now and I’m “playing the game” in addition to cooking, keeping his favorite beer in stock, saving a toothbrush and Old Spice for him. I think I literally drive myself crazy and somehow transform from being “the player” into Suzy Homemaker. Most times this works, but in the end I have never been married nor engaged. So, is all of this game playing, compromising, catering-to-your-man-biz really working??

    I too have 1-2 solid guys who have been around for years and who clearly have feelings for me. But I am just not romantically attracted to them. One has since gone on to live with his girlfriend of almost 4 years, but remains a close friend of mine (though I still have not met the girlfriend).

    I guess the point I’m trying to make or the question that I am trying to ask is, how do you really know that you have the one?? Men are so insecure about so much. I am attracted to ambition, humor, intelligence, and good looks (sorry, I am). I love a man close to his family. In NYC, I come across many men who fit this description, but I’m finding that so many of them don’t trust women and are insecure. I try to see past that and help them attain their goals (as they encourage me) and cater to them in order to make them feel comfortable. Plus, I just like seeing my guy happy and will do what I can to keep him that way. But in the end, none of my relationships have worked out. What gives???

  • WendyK

    Excellent point. I couldn’t have said that any better. We want what we can’t have and the heart wants what the heart wants…damn those clichés.

  • ATLs.Marc.of.Excellence

    Not my intentions. I did reciprocate, as it wasn’t just her doing nice things for and with me. I participated in the relationship as well. I made it very clear that this is how I date. I disagree with the “doormat” comment, though I see how you would draw that conclusion. I would have not even began the relationship if I had known she was so insecure. I’m not that kind of guy that preys on weak minded or insecure women. And again… she ended up being (very) emotionally unstable. I don’t have the patience to be her EVERYTHING. I couldn’t help her develop her self-esteem when it is SOLELY based on what I thought of her. Her self image was very poor, if not non existent. She managed to put up a nice act of how it should have been in the beginning, but she eventually let her true self be known. It was just one of those situations where I ended up waaaaaaaaaaaay over my head.

  • http://www.lyndondavidjones.blogspot.com Lyndon

    Candace, it is definitely a tool imo. It’s all about acceptance. Many of us, especially black folk, have it in our heads that we have to PROVE we are. We have to prove we are strong, prove we are smart, prove we are not naive, prove we are not hurting, prove we are attractive.

    And many women, especially now, are forced to grow up fast. Forced into a train of thought that they will only be liked “IF” they present themselves in a certain way. Questions linger as many get older because so much of who they are has been distorted and shape-shifted to meet someone else’s liking that when it’s time to end the facade, they have nowhere else to turn.

    And what I’m about to say is in truth and complete respect for the struggle that specifically black women experience.

    To present yourself to a capable man wearing fake nails, fake hair, fack eyes, shoes designed to heighten, a push up bra, booty pads, spanks, lipstick, blush, foundation, earrings, and a form fitting dress… It’s kinda hard to demand a “REAL MAN”.

    Finding yourself takes honesty. It takes reflection. It takes real courage. It takes forgiveness. Then much of what we as black folk do in effort to get connected falls and we can operate on a fuckin human level. NO games. No bs. Im not against makeup at al, just hate what it does to so many women’s self esteem.

  • anette owusu

    i love my man .i have…gone to the extreme for him.. cooked for him, helped him with all my might…both financiallly and emotionally ….and he admires me for dat…but i i feel strongly he does not love me…cos if he does…he wont cut lines when i call him…i call sumtimes and he says joking dat his is with his future wife n not in the mood to talk to me..when i get anger…he complains………i feel am not his proirity….he wont call me often ……he wont visit…n he wont let me see him either..been almost eight weeks n we live just 30 mins apart..he is always out with frds ….he only sent me a txt on my birthday ..and yet he wanted to know exactly wat i did during my birthday .i ask him for things …and he ingores my request…….he confuses me..he says he loves me but wont  sacrifice for me…..am going crazy…..i love dis guy but ..he attitude kills my soul and am unhappy…….all frds n sis and i shld forget him..cos he is taking me for granted…neeed help…..my email is efiakobi@gmail.com pls help

  • Casswhite184

    I have a question I met a beautiful latina woman and we hit it off from the start. We went out to eat and talked about our feelings and at the end of the night she was all over me. But I told her I want to get to know her first before we go there with each other I told her I want her heart first. she agreed. We went out on more dates and she told me she was going throw a hard time because she was going throw a divorce.I told her I am there for her for anything she needs. Then the texting and phone calls stopped. I keep texting her and encouraging her even though she did not text back a few days later she told me she cant date some one she works with it will get her fired so I stepped back but it hurt so back I missed her every day. So I sent her a card and asked her out on a date and I had alot of stuff planned for her and she said yes. Then when the day came she stated that she forgot about it. About three weeks later I was in the gym and I saw her waving at me from outside the gym and I went out to her and she hugged me something I missed so bad then she stated that she will be good if I be good. What should I do?

  • Aryan

    i won’t think so

  • meowmixx

    no matter how big or small your penis is, she’ll love sex with you. also she might act like a mom towards you

    and yes the cooking thing is SO true. hahahha i hate and suck at it but i’ll do if it i really care about the guy.