Do Men Ever Commit to Their Side Chicks? (Can’t Trust It)

0 Posted by - October 18, 2010 - Dear NWSO

Dear NWSO,

I was hoping you could give me some advice on a situation that I find myself in. I’m in a relationship with a man for the past three years off and on, but we were both in committed relationships with other people.

We got back together back in May and everything was great! Kisses, deep and sensual, and lovemaking off the chain! It was great, but lately he texts me sporadically and says, “Just checking up on you.” He used to say how much he missed me and missed being with me, now I get small pecks on the lips, his touch isn’t the same, and the sex is quick and over. He used to take his time with me. We used to talk more, but now he only calls when he hears from me first (at least it seems like that). Also, he’s never called me by my first name. He usually calls me babe or baby. I heard this is a sign that a man has multiple women and doesn’t want to call the wrong name.

I’m so confused.

Now, he’s not all bad, sometimes he can be thoughtful and caring and tell me how he appreciates me being there for him. I just wish I knew how he really felt about me. He used to say he loved me before the first time we broke up. Not all the time, but enough to let me know how he felt. I care tremendously about him. I think I could even say I love him but I think he might be seeing someone else.

I texted him last week and told him that he’s changed and I couldn’t be with him anymore, and he met me a couple of days after that. We had lunch and “hung out,” as he called it. Needless to say we were intimate and he called me and texted me a couple of days after that then went back to his normal self.

I know you must think of me as such a pathetic mess, and I feel like he is playing me, but I have no proof and I’m not sure if I’m jumping to conclusions or just being overly sensitive as to “this being the way men are, and not showing their feelings.”

We’re both busy with our families and work, but these things haven’t affected us before. Am I playing myself? Should I face the fact that he may be trying to keep me dangling on and try to appease me from time to time to keep his most loyal sucka hanging on as a standby?

I look forward to your insight and advice.

Dear Sucka For Love,

Here’s the thing that caught my attention right off the back, you say you were both in committed relationships with other people for three years off and on? First of all, stop lying to yourselves, those “committed” relationships clearly weren’t that committed if both of you were messing around on the side for THREE years.

Secondly, as I always say, how you meet someone is how they’ll leave you. Both you and he were cheating on someone else to be with each other so what makes you think that you’re so special that he won’t cheat on you?

#CMonHon

Both of you have shown your lack of commitment; so why should there be trust on either side? If I were in that situation that “what if” would always be in the back of my head based off of personal experience.

#ThinkAboutIt

Based on your letter I’m unsure of where things stand with the previous “committed” relationships both of you had/have and what title y’all now place on your current dealings with each other. Basically, what I want to know is are you still the side chick and getting jealous that he’s not giving you his full attention? Or are you both free from those previous ties and made some sort of official “commitment to each other? Neither is clear but I’ll assume that the previous relationships are over and y’all have an unspoken commitment with each other, because it doesn’t sound like you guys had a conversation to make it “official.” I could be wrong but I didn’t hear you call him your man and he isn’t acting like someone in a serious relationship, rather someone just “kicking it.”

Now you say you wish you knew how he really felt about you. Well, have you asked him? The easiest way to get any answer to any question is to go to the source not your imagination or some random blogger (although I appreciate ya) :) because that’s the only way you’ll know for sure. Yeah, he could lie but hopefully you know him well enough to see through any BS. Also, at least that way you can express how you feel and your concerns rather than keeping them to yourself. There should be way better communication here especially if you guys are “official.”

You said that you texted him and expressed that he had changed and you couldn’t be with him anymore. That was great, but then you slept with him (I assume the same day or shortly thereafter). Whatever the case, your actions contradicted your words. You basically told him that I don’t want to be with you but I’ll gladly sleep with you.

Commit-less sex? That’s a win-win for most guys. You (not him) need to make a decision and stick to it. Otherwise, you’re playing yourself. While I don’t think you’re a “pathetic sucka” as you put it, you clearly recognize that you’re not doing right by yourself. So put on your big girl draws and keep it moving. You deserve better and should go out and get/find better. Worst case, you leaving him alone will make him realize what he’s lost and he’ll come sniffing back around again. But, I’d hope you’d have enough sense to realize that you could do better on your own.

At the end of the day, you guys may have had something at some point but I feel like the relationship was doomed from the start because both of you didn’t do it right. By allowing each other to be side pieces instead of breaking up with your significant others to try dating officially, your relationship started off on a weak foundation. That’s not to say that you guys can’t be the exception to that but he’d have to change a whole lot for that to happen.

Good luck.

Could you ever truly trust someone who initially cheated to be with you? Do you believe that when someone you’re dating calls you by nicknames it’s because they got someone on the side? Do you think it’s a mistake to make idle threats in a relationship? What do you think this letter writer should do? Should she wait this guy out or move on? Do you think she can ever trust him based on their history? Can a side piece ever become a center piece?

Speak your piece…

BONUS:

Peep this piece I did for The BVX called “The Claim Game: A Man Won’t Claim a Woman He Don’t Want.”

  • Older & Wiser

    Nope! You will always wonder if/when they will step out on YOU!

  • Well Versed

    I am ashamed to say that I have been in the same situation for over 7 years!! For the first 2 yes we kicked it & tried to date but it never worked. After that I know he had a girlfriend but I was always selfish enough to think that I want him regardless of who gets hurt. I realize now that was wrong, but what’s done is done. I love this man that’s why I’ve settled for being the side piece for so long. And though he says he cares about me it’s not enough to make him leave. Side pieces, like myself, will always keep that position regardless of how well you treat him, how good the sex is or how much you cater to him in the hopes that he will realize that you are the one he wants. The fact is that men like this are selfish and it is very, very rare that a women goes from side piece to center piece. I’ve realized all of this now, that’s why I’m sharing. Move on girl and do it fast!

  • novanova

    Any woman who a man fraternizes with out side of his main relationship is by definition a side chick, however, sometimes the “sidechick” is more of an over-lapping relationship. A situation where a relationship is not officially over, but “done” just the same and the man meets someone who he is interested in or more suited for before he cuts the current main chick off officially. Sometimes there are tons of factors that make a quick, clean break impossible but when the heart is shut off to one person, it may be open to someone else. Some times the “side chick’ becomes the main chick before the former main chick even knows it. I’m not saying it’s right but “It be’s like dat sometimes” The side chick just might be better than the crab-trick you settled for and you need to just move on.

    But the raggedy little low self esteem, “The only way I feel loved is if I know he is choosing ME (momentarily) over some other woman) type chicks who only go for attached men will forever remain jump-offs.

  • JC

    Could you ever truly trust someone who initially cheated to be with you?- Depends on the circumstances around the cheating, how it initially got started.

    Do you believe that when someone you’re dating calls you by nicknames it’s because they got someone on the side?- Uhmm, no. I’ve never thought that. I call people nicknames all the time…have them programmed that way in my phone. Why? Because its kind of fun and their nickname alludes to sort part of their personality. Now if the person is talking about me to friends and family, yes at some point I want to hear my given name, lol.

    Do you think it’s a mistake to make idle threats in a relationship?- Yup…say what you mean and mean what you say and then follow with an action. The move that the OP did is showing the man (and sorry if this offends) but that he has some control over things. STAND YOUR GROUND or else don’t make threats.

    What do you think this letter writer should do?- Move on find someone else…in the meantime keep him as a side piece but keep things in perspective.

    Should she wait this guy out or move on?- Going backwards is easy…moving forward is the hard part. Move forward if he comes back to you AND comes back the way you want COOL, if not, so be it.

    Do you think she can ever trust him based on their history?- Don’t know all their history and only she can answer that.

    Can a side piece ever become a center piece?-Uhmmm, take a look at your first photo…enough said…

  • Tyriq

    I met my lover while he was married and now we’ve been in a committed relationship for 5 1/2 years. Nothing’s perfect but it seems to be getting better and better the longer we know and learn each other.
    Yes, she needs to stop lying to herself and get on with her life. If he’s the one, then leave him alone for a few months/years and he’ll come around. If not, then you’ll be free and won’t be worrying about it any more.

  • Tyriq

    Leave that man alone.

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    Been there, done that in my younger days. They DO NOT leave. On the very rare occasion that they DO leave for the woman on the side, 99 times out of 100, the side-woman-turned-“honest-woman” WILL be cheated on. (Of course, there are extremely rare situations where the man leaves, turns side woman into honest woman, and actually refrains from cheating. However, that is an EXCEPTION, NOT THE RULE.)

    This woman who wrote the letter needs to be consistent, set boundaries, and leave this man alone. (She may even wanna consider taking a break from ALL men for a while.) He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing, and he knows that the threats are complete bullshit. In my opinion, she’s ACTING as if she doesn’t know what to do, but the writing is on the wall and it’s very clear what she needs to do. :-|

  • Womanofyr

    I think you are special to him. But.. It may not be the special you want to be. He said thx for being there for him.. Is he referring to you talking over a problem with him, giving a loan when he lost a job, or…. he saying you were there to give him sex.

    The rules of the relationship started as turning to each other for sex. And perhaps that is the rule he still adhere to. But the quicky sex seems like he’s got you hooked, and does not care to try so hard to please. Maybe he’s saving strength for some other woman.

    Can this turn into more? I think not, but who knows. Do you guys have other things in common? What else do your guys know about each other presently? Do you really have emotional intimacy? I think it’s a bad sign when dating for years, and the emotional closeness is like you’ve only been together for a month. Or he acts like you just there for sexing after 3 years.

    To change your rules the first thing to do is to communicate what you want. Tell him HOW he changed. Ask if he is willing to be a couple exclusively. If he really wants this, he’ll be happy you brought it up. If not, he’ll rationalize why he’s not acting like you want. You need closure, so make sure you go through some type of back and forth discussion to break it off. I think that should help. You need to find you someone else before you grow into bitterness about him.

  • scorpio temptress

    Men who have side pieces will never commit to the side pieces. Even with the pic above same way he was married to Mashonda and cheated on her what makes Alicia think he won’t do the same to her. and he pretty much cheated on her and Mashonda when he had that baby by the Russian chick so…..yea don’t believe the hype!!. If he cheats he can’t be trusted and as soon as some new PYT catches his eye he’s gonna do what he does best.#ONTOTHENEXTONE… The writer of this letter needs to grow up and move on becauses he’s using her and she knows it. I once found myself in a similar situation with a man and I told him make a decision or I’m gone!!! He begged and pleaded for more time and professed his undying love for me and He just didn’t want to hurt her well guess what if he’s not hurting her he’s hurting me and I knew I deserved better and thats what I got!!! Been a committed relationship with my man for 7yrs and couldn’t be happier because I knew my self worth and found a man who knew a woman’s worth as well *if only Alicia practiced what she preached* SMH

  • Preachthecomedian

    The problem is that these side chicks or #2 never seem to understand pimp regulation. Your number 2 for a reason. He dangles the possible “bottom” or “main” chick scenario in hopes of playing around. Think of it this way….upgrading from side to main is like winning the lottery. Half the reason there’s a side chick is because the home life isn’t what he wants ALL the time..your basically a coming atttraction..short sweet and chock full of the good parts..

  • candace

    pimp regulation LOL

  • JC

    “Half the reason there’s a side chick is because the home life isn’t what he wants ALL the time”

    It is also called distraction…and when they are bored they do move on…

  • Darling

    Could you ever truly trust someone who initially cheated to be with you? First this is just stupid. Trust starts with the truth and doing right by someone. I dont trust cheaters, period. Do you believe that when someone you’re dating calls you by nicknames it’s because they got someone on the side? It’s hard for people to keep the names straight, when they are dating multiple people. If they are start out calling you baby run for the hills. Do you think it’s a mistake to make idle threats in a relationship? You should never threaten someone. Make it a promise and follow through. Idle threats are for the weak minded. Many a person, men and women, have regretted when I followed through on a “promise”! What do you think this letter writer should do? She needs to grow up and quit playing herself. She knows what this relationship is/is not. She’s a damn booty call. Should she wait this guy out or move on? Move on and find someone truly single and this time abide by the rules of being single and look out for the signs. Do you think she can ever trust him based on their history? He hasn’t done anything for her to be trusting him. Can a side piece ever become a center piece? Nope. Lady, use this phrase when dating. Start out the way you can hold out. It holds very true and useful.

  • The Duchess

    Women NEED to stop WILLINGLY being a sidechick! Men don’t respect sidechick’s cause it is obvious she has a lack of self esteem for staying with a man that she KNOWS is sleeping with someone else besides her!

  • Darling

    Anslem, we posters need to help you find other topics. I’m tired of watching the same old stupidity. People know they are doing stupid things and most times they are only looking for someone to validate thier stupidity. It’s like watching Maury sometimes.

  • Just As Confused

    I am in the same dilemma, however, mine is not as in depth as yours. I met ‘him’ in April of this year. We hit it off right away, he was honest about his situation from day 1. Before anything sexual, we became friends. He has children with his wife….but recently he has begun to tell me he loves me. We spend time together each week and we talk daily. I have met all of his close friends…but I don’t know what to do. I love him back but in my mind I know that I am selling myself a dream…ESPECIALLY knowing that he prides himself on being a family man. Its hard to pull yourself out of a situation that your heart sees no issue with.

  • The Duchess

    LMAO!!!! LMAO!!! LMAO!!!!!

  • The Duchess

    Question: Do SOME women just like unavailable men??? I find it hard to believe that unavailable me are the only men available..

  • Sam

    This comes at an interesting point in my life. I am in a situation like this. I’ve been trying to break it off, but loving your side man more than the man you’re with is a tough thing. I’ve broken it off countless times, and like NWSO said, my words didn’t match my actions. My side man claims to love me, etc. and can’t imagine his life without me but can’t say for certain where we are going. I’m tired, and my main man is still here. Why am I wasting my time, effort and heart on this side man? I feel what NWSO is saying, and I am definitely at a point where I’m waking up and smelling the coffee.

  • bogart4017

    Every couple i know of who started out wrong, even if they’ve been together for over 30 years, has jealousy issues. EXTREME jealousy issues. Almost to the point where they isolate each other from the rest of the world. Who wants to live like that? Do yourself a favor. Break away clean from any relationship before you start a new one.

  • Lyndon

    It’s an accomplishment. The epitome of feeling worthy. You know women are competitive. Women don’t respect women. Women don’t trust other women because they know what “they” are capable of.

    Men rarely do that type of shit, especially with the numbers in our favor.

  • Darling

    I have to ask, why did you willingly put yourself in this situation in the first place?

  • Darling

    Same question for you…I have to ask, why did you willingly put yourself in this situation in the first place?

  • The Duchess

    Why not be woman/man enough & tell your “main” that you no longer want anything to do with him? Why Cheat? In the end, you are the foolish one..

  • Sam

    I suppose it was because at the time, my relationship was not going well. Not a good reason, but it’s the truth.

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    You ARE the father. He IS cheating on you. Send her to boot camp.

    :-|

  • Darling

    Duchess, don’t you know that’s too much like doing the right thing and thinking about things first. The real name for cheating is cowardly having your cake and eating it too! People like being selfish first.

  • Shannon

    Please, forget about this guy. One thing I know about men like that is they are never to be trusted. If he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you. I mean, if this man always calls you by anything other than your name, ask him right out, “What is my name?” If he doesn’t answer right off, know he has something else going on.

    Keep in mind that you set the terms of the relationship in the beginning when you willingly stepped out on another man to be with him. Most men would think, “Well, if she did it to that other dude, who’s to say she won’t do it to me if we got serious?” So, he decides to get serious with women who will be true to him and just keep you on the backburner to simmer until he is ready for the fun.

    Don’t let waste his time and more importantly, don’t let him waste yours. You have to love yourself more than that; always remember that no one’s approval, acceptance and respect is more valuable than your own. Never waste time on a man who is not interested; I tell young women all the time, “If a man isn’t calling you (first)…if he’s not asking you out…if he isn’t talking about a relationship…he’s not interested.” If he really wants to be with you, he will move mountains, heaven and earth to make it happen; he won’t leave you dangling on a hook, wondering.

    Another thing: men have this double standard; they want women to be direct with them, but they are not direct themselves. A man will not come out and tell a woman, “I am not interested in dating you,” or “I am looking for something serious, just not with you.” He will just stop calling and seeing you and thinks this is a better way of demonstrating his lack of interest than telling you outright; this is because men will go to great lengths to avoid conflict with a woman and this is his way of “letting her down easy,” in his eyes.

    As long as you are having sex with him, he will come back for the goodies and fringe benefits, but I guarantee you this: Stop the sex and you will never hear from him again. Remember that sex isn’t as meaningful to men as it is to women, so he is perfectly okay with sexing you without any kind of commitment because you are sleeping with him. In other words, what you accept becomes acceptable. Since you accepted the terms in the beginning, he doesn’t see his actions as wrong and you accepted it, so why should he change anything? Since you are the one motivated to change, the change must come from you. Now you have to decide whether to continue with this man and accept less or drop him so you can receive more. Just because he doesn’t want more doesn’t mean you have to accept less.

  • Sam

    I tried that, and my “main” did not want us to give up. So I tried, and keep trying. And yes, I am the foolish one…but I suppose I’m at that point where I can’t do this any longer. It’s definitely not fair to my man, and even if I have more love for this other man than my “main”, I need to make a decision and stick to it. I do want to give my man a fair shot, and being tied up with this other guy is not allowing me to. I’m a good woman at heart…I’m just making some very bad choices. I need to get it right and be who I know I am supposed to be. I don’t want to hurt or be hurt any more.

  • The Duchess

    I respect your honesty!!!

  • candace

    I would never be in a relationship with someone who cheated to be with me (not knowingly anyway) just because I could never trust him. If you are interested enough to want to be with me, make a clean cut first period.

    I really believe that if he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you if not right away, 2,3,5 or 10 years after…he’ll cheat because that’s his way of doing thing.

    If he cheats with you.How can you even not expect him to cheat or even believe he will be a faithful husband after marrying such a man? It’s a little hypocritical is it not?

    I think it was Lyndon who sais in a previous comment that women are sending the message that it is ok for men to have several women. Unfortunately I believe that to be true. If you show him that it is okay to cheat with you, sorry but that means as well, when he feels like it that it’s ok to cheat on you especially if you cheated with him too.

    Why would any woman knowingly choose a man who cheats? I think it has a lot of self-worth issues. Love? I don’t believe in love without respect, respect for you , him and anyone else in the situation.

    Nicknames? No problem, I find them endearing. In that particular case, I think she is looking everywhere for clues that he is cheating. But it’s quite pausible as well that it might be a sign of a man who is pimping around. But a woman will only be in that line of reasoning with someone she is already not trusting that much.

    What should she do? Trust that she deserves better, let go and go find it! But as well it’s her responsability to be as well a woman with whom a faithful man would want to be in a relationship with. Can she ever trust him? No, but neither can he. So really like you NWSO the way they started the relationship was wrong.

    Empty threats? Bad idea. Stand by your words and beliefs or you loose all credibility and power in relationship. Just be real and honest with him and with you about what you want and need to be happy in a relationship. If he can’t fit the bill every single minute you are waisting on him, is one you’re not dedicating to the search of someone who might be able to. Not easy but necessary.

    Can side dish become center piece? Yes but….there will be a price to pay..Lauryn Hill must know by now

  • The Duchess

    What is the sense of doing all that you suggested? The man is still an emotionally unavailable man… They were brought into each others lives for a season but she is trying to make it into a lifetime when dude has already served his purpose in her life..

  • Darling

    Piece of advice…take the “heart” crap out of it and do what’s right. The consequence is someone will definately be hurt. You did it and you’ll have to deal with it. Sounds mean but it is what it is.

  • Rastaman

    Yo Ans, I can understand you trying to be understanding to the LW but WHOA!! How does she deserve better?

    They are 2 grown folks playing the same game, stop making excuses for folks acting selfish. One or twice may be a mistake but this is a 3 year affair that she is obviously ok with, she is upset because the “part-time” lover is not making her feel special….DUH!!

    I am not going into the moral judgments about the infidelity but if you going to play the games, know the rules. Bench players can’t demand starter minutes, you signed on as a bench player and so you either come of the bench when called or get on another team. There is no rule that the sidepiece can’t be a centerpiece but that occuring is more an exception than the rule.

    You are going to meet people in very different ways in this life, not all of them clean and family-friendly but you need to temper your esxpectations to your reality, which is you both cheating. I believe the LW is goiing through some other sht and is looking for her sideman to provide a solution. that is not what sidemen do. They do maintenance not repairs.

    The nickname thing is a reach on her part, there are lots of folks who use pet names and not necessarily because they cheating. I am personally not a fan but it happens.

    These folks do not really have a relationship. They have an understanding…she is violating the rules. She is like a thief calling the cops because one of her partners ripped her off on some goods they stole together.

    Folks like this are tripping, you have been playing with fire for 3 years and now you complaining about getting smoke in tyour eyes.

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    This is my opinion:

    In thinking about this a little deeper, the foci of this issue are selfishness, greed & loneliness. There are so many broken people (men & women) in different relationships, who want what they want when they want it (usually what they want is shallow superficial bullshit) and don’t really give a damn about who they’re hurting. (They CLAIM that they don’t wanna hurt those who are knowingly or unknowingly involved, but I call bullshit.) If these people were alone for even 1 day, they’d go batshit crazy. They can’t imagine living in solitude for even a short period of time.

    People involved in situations like this are on a slippery slope. And trust me, they WILL fall down the slope and off a cliff.

    Stop being selfish & greedy. We’re not so animalistic that we can’t control ourselves, and people who use that excuse really need to stop it. Contrary to popular belief, one CAN be alone & happy & practice self-control.

    GASP! Who woulda thunk it. :-|

  • Preachthecomedian

    TWO THINGS
    1. People playing the side role need to grow up.. What’s between your lgs does not wear a cape and have superpowers…nothing about the loving is going to make someone give up their family…

    2. Your the number 2 or 3…. It’s not a second relationship it’s CHEATING!!!!! You honestly are expecting things that won’t happen … If someone was main chick or man material then that’s what’s they would be… Your an extra for a reason…check yaself

  • Sam

    You sound like a woman scorned. You can’t take the Heart out of it..because it’s clearly part of it. What’s needed is to bring the brain into it and make a “right” decision…its so easy for people to spew venom like this when you’re not on the receiving end. And truly, until you walk in someone else’s shoes, you have no idea why they do what they do, or say but not do. Have a good day.

  • da ThRONe

    Wow just wow! Baby have no idea what the purpose of a relationship is and will never succeed until you do.

    And I call my baby “Baby” and I hardly ever call her by name. That means nothing. The fact that he was sleeping with you while he was officially with somebody else should be your first clue. LOL I swear some people like failing at life.

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    “I swear some people like failing at life.”

    *whispers* For real. Now, one moment please.

    *faints*

  • Lyndon

    Gently apply brakes. Everybody’s tryin to figure this shit out.

  • JC

    No one is born with a manual on life…some of us really have to fail…a few times…over and over…even when the writing is on the wall before we get it right.

    Sometimes the simplest of things are the hardest…

  • da ThRONe

    No but we should have common sense. We have become a people that excuse dumb shit as growing pains. Sorry there is a line between “Growing Pains” and “Dumb Shit”. As long as we pat people on the back and say it’s OK to completely bypass common sense we will have people doing so and then wondering why they are where they are.

  • The Duchess

    We trying to figure this out while she is trying to get some action from ol’ boy tonight.. I’ll tell you! I couldn’t make this up if I tried to…

  • Preachthecomedian

    I have to agree…let’s e real nobodys pointing a bright light on their own areas of life that are messed up. Sometimes you got to get played so completely thru and thru u have no choice but to learn a lesson. I understand because I have some areas that it’s just been hard… You learn by watching or doing… Sure the writings on the wall but who said they could read? Common sense is not genetic…in sure people who grew up in crip or blood or king hoods know certain common sense things that those who didn’t grow up there would know…

  • The Duchess

    I give young people a pass when it comes to relationship issues like this..

    Sugar(the poster), how old are you?

  • JC

    Not bypassing on common sense just playing devils advocate because I have been there. I was in her shoes, not for nearly as long, a few months was all I could take and there was no love lost on my part. The only thing I questioned was if he was so unhappy in his marriage why not just leave. When he gave me half ass answers about “I will when the time is right” I decided then and there that this isn’t what I want and I will change what he won’t.
    I really do have a low tolerance for people that say they are unhappy but don’t do anything to change the situation but I can see their side of things.

  • Lyndon

    You don’t think they know it’s dumb shit? THEY DO. But what’s common for you ain’t common for others. I know where you comin from, but take a hard look at shit around you.

    The Strawberrry Letter Syndrome is real. Ppl aint making this up. I work with ppl like this all day. Look deeper.

  • Lyndon

    Hum bruh. I ain’t trippin. She’ll get it right at some point. If not, she can join me on the bench.

  • EntertainmentsFuture

    I think she already knows what she needs to do, And what the situation is. She wrote in because she needed to certify that her speucaltion is correct. I find that generally when ppl ask for advice or your opinion they either confused (very rare) or just need someone to confirm what they’re thinking. I believe this man may have numerous partners. If she does not gain control of this situtation and keeps getting sidetracked by some D***, and pet names then she will remain unhappy. Because ultimately that what she was when she started to cheat on her “committed relationship” wit this man.

  • http://www.AConleyCreation.com karmagini

    Rarely are things black & white in life. Just because they started off cheating doesn’t mean that will happen again. BUT, the foundation of a relationship is very important to how healthy it will be down the road.

    We women have all these questions about men and what they really want… it really isn’t that hard to figure out. Look at this man’s actions: he has/had a problem with commitment, he “checks up on you” not checking in WITH you or saying hi because he wants to hear your voice, and the biggest one: he told you he can’t be with you. There really isn’t anything to encode here. If he wanted to be with you, it would be clear.

    Run, run far away. Look for the best relationship full of true love: WITH YOURSELF.

  • http://www.browndirtentertainment.com Ms.Zoi

    Wow… people kill me saying I am in a committed relationship… That’s bullshit! You deserve whatever bullshit he gives you because you both have families and you still see each other. You are an example of a “Trifling” Female. You will get caught eventually so that should be your worry not about your “side dick”! Get a clue and a life….

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    Nail —> Head.

  • Bria

    I myself know the feeling all too well. I’ve been dating a guy that’s in a relationship for 2 years, the only difference with mine is, I didn’t know he was in a relationship until a few months ago. Sure it hurt me to find out and I wanted to walk away but its easier said than done, especially when your in love. His girlfriend has since found out about me and its been an on going war for months now. Things have changed a lot between us since she’s found out, we fight more frequently and he doesn’t talk or treat me the same anymore. Before he actually treated me as if we were in a relationship and now he basically acts like he doesn’t care. Whenever I bring up his recent actions towards me he says its just me. Its hard but I have come to the conclusion that its better for me to walk away, don’t know how I’m gonna do this but I have faith in myself.

  • http://primarythoughts.net Melanie

    “Now, he’s not all bad, sometimes he can be thoughtful and caring and tell me how he appreciates me being there for him.”

    When I hear my girlfriends make statements like this… *sigh* I can only ask, Are you for real? He’s so wonderfully thoughtful and caring, and I’m there for him, but… he is a #inputbadtrait. If the word that you put there is a deal breaker for you then why debate? Why even write the email? No one is 100%, 100% of the time, but from your account it’s apparent that this isn’t a one-off occurrence, regardless of whether there has only been you or many. He’s been in this mode of operation for years…

    It’s like buying a computer with all of the latest technology… *happy-happy joy-joy!!!* yet, knowing that it has a trojan virus that can’t be removed or quarantined. :-/

    Be there for him, for real. Tell him that there are many people who willingly and happily engage in open relationships. Encourage him to seek one of those and then you move on – start with figuring out who you are, because you are certain about only one thing… you are confused.

    Keep in mind… A man’s initial attraction to a woman can lead him to make promises he can’t keep even though there may be sincerity in his speech. There are also instances, where a man will lie and deceive you. However, know that in many cases the deception originates from the woman. As you mentally explore the possibilities of a future with him, be careful that you acknowledge the power of your imagination. Don’t attach your desires to a man’s words. Listen to his words and see that his actions are in line.

  • http://primarythoughts.net Melanie

    #shoutout to the scorpios!!

  • http://primarythoughts.net Melanie

    Sorry to preach… but this ish get’s on my last nerves and I’m not speaking specifically to the young lady that wrote in. But as adults, it is our responsibility to educate ourselves. Relationships (all the different kinds) are the most important and significant part of our being – they impact every level of our lives. We aren’t taught about it in schools (which I think is stupid) and there is no absolute way to create a perfect life, but content is everywhere. Educate yourself – read a book, audio book, go to some seminars, seek a counselor, etc. figure out what makes sense to you. Figure out what has you in this holding pattern.

    And in many cases, cheating is no different that alcoholism, substance abuse, etc. Cheating is a form of escapism. People use all different kinds of methods to escape from the difficulties of life whether it be past bad experiences or tough future decisions. Some methods are just more extreme or less socially acceptable than others.

    And ladies, we are emotional creatures, but got-damn can we turn on some logic? It doesn’t have to be so black and white. Emotion vs. Logic – there is a nice middle ground.

  • candace

    I have to agree with your “preach”.

    Women need to stop hiding behind our feelings and using them as an excuse to tolerate an abusive/dissatisfaying/disrespectful relationship (He’s not all that bad? Seriously? I just don’t know what to say, abused women use the same language). Counseling is a good idea.

    Respecting your feelings is also about respecting your need to be appreciated, respected, cared for and about. How about doing something about those feelings?
    Women have this idea in their head that they need to convince men to be with them, wait around for them to make up their mind, tolerate the untolerable….

    How about taking responsability for yourself, your choices and your actions and how those ultimately caused your state of confusion and unhapiness.

    What is there to be confused about really? He is a cheater and she is too but you she seems to be expecting truthfulness and faithfulness from him when she knows first hand what he’s capable of?

    If she would just accept reality and take responsability for what she should know was her choice, she would be content with this “open relationship”, they were never just two in this… if it’s not enough for her, well you can’t have it both ways, make another choice and stand by it but don’t blame anyone but yourself not even him as he is quite constant in his behaviour.

  • Preachthecomedian

    But to play devils advocate nothing is black and white ALL the time…half of the experience of life is learning… Some folks get it quick some get it very slow…. Educating yourself is all fine and dandy but the execution of the education is most important… I can swear all day that Im against the death penalty until godforbid my child or parent is killed..then I’ll probaly switch sides… Part of the therapy and counseling I’ve been apart of has ALWAYS mentioned that you usually don’t see the mess your in until AFTER the fact

  • candace

    The only way to see the truth of a situation is to distance yourself from it and get some perspective. Part of learning is recognizing as well that you lacked proper judgement; If you don’t, you are bound to make the same mistake again. We all make mistake but the worst is thinking that the solution is outside of you.

  • QuoteMan

    This is another case of someone with self–esteem issues; someone who lacks a clear identity of who she is as a person. She’s acutely aware that it’d be in her best interest to walk away, but clearly, she lacks the will power to do so. I can assure everyone that she’s been told by friends and family members the very same things we are all saying.

    She needs to discover who she is (then she‘d know her worth). Because at the essence of knowing what you wouldn’t stoop to is knowing who you are. She may say she’s better than that, but how could you be better than that if you don’t even know who you are.

    In short, even if she muster the courage to walk away, without discovering who she is, there’s going to be another dude waiting in the wing just to piss all over her, once again.

    Over the years, I’ve grown less incline in rendering judgment in situations like this. Because on its surface, it may appear that if you’ve common sense on your side you should be able to figure it out. However, that’s not always the case; sometimes, it’s a lack of clear identity which would make someone behave this way.

  • Womanofyr

    It’s called closure. There is a process she seems to need.

  • Lyndon

    Damn. You even sound like McGruder. Good shit pimpin

  • QuoteMan

    Hey, what can I say, I’m just a character living in his world. LOL

  • R.e.D

    The advice was on point in the beginning but then you went ahead and spoke about how she ‘deserves better.’

    Why in the world does she deserve better? She is a cheater, he is a cheater. That’s pretty black and white to me. No gray anywhere. So basically she deserves what she gets. You live and you learn that karma is indeed a b&#ch. This happened to me when I was younger and Heaven knows I’ve paid severely. But that’s life. I was wrong and I deserved every thing that happened to me. There is absolutely no justification for this. People love making excuses or giving reasons for why they do what they do, but we are adults and we know wrong is wrong. Hopefully, she will not continue to make the same mistake.

    Only advice I have: Forgive yourself first (for cheating) and keep it moving, b/c you are getting played. You know this and now we all know this. Women continue to ask questions they already know the answer to, hoping for someone to tell them what the WANT to hear and not the truth. The Bible refers to it as ‘itching ears.’

    P.S. Finding a suitable gravatar, i.e a bull that is red (and sexy!) or something else more representative, is actually kinda hard..I’ll keep tyring.

  • http://primarythoughts.net Melanie

    Didn’t say it was always black-n-white – I actually encouraged women to embrace some shades of gray between emotions and logic. And you’re right education is only a starting point. There is no way I could cover all of my present thoughts on this subject and definitely not in the comment section… don’t think Ans would appreciate it. I’m already over quota… lol.

  • http://primarythoughts.net Melanie

    I agree.. ppl need to take responsibility. The first question out your mouth shouldn’t be “He/she is a… And they did…” It should be, “What part did I play in this situation?” At the very least you are an enabler – one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behaviour by providing excuses or by helping that individual avoid the consequences of such behavior. Definition just in case someone isn’t familiar.

  • Syreeta

    So sad and so true.

    Without purpose or clear vision for for your life, youre like a tumble weed being carried by the wind.
    You are susceptible to every twist & turn of the wind.

    I encourage everyone to make a vision board, a relationship one even! Thanks for your post, I’m inspired!

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    First off, I love me some Maury in the morning. Lol. Hey, I can’t control what the people need advice on. What problems do you have that I can possibly help you with, ma’am? Lol.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Just think anyone in that predicament deserves better in that she should respect herself and realize that the situation she put herself in is wack. Yeah she cheated and made herself a side piece but fawning over this dude is weak. Move on and do/get better.

  • Webb

    Stop putting yourself in a complex situation to only be looked at as half the woman you could be. You accepted being second because you and him both aleady had someone. Therefore, it didn’t matter if he wasn’t paying as much attention to you because you always had the convenience of getting it from somewhere else. His habits weren’t as noticeable. You can’t expect to be treated any differently. You got that attention because you were the side chick-the stress reliever away from his reality. He never had to feel like you were a major priority because you both knew what was up. Now that he’s the only person in your life, it’s probably just more apparent.

  • Darling

    Lol…okay keep the Maury…lol. Btw, I emailed you about something rather serious, but I haven’t heard back yet. It’s cool though, I hopefully have solved the issue. Wish me luck on that.

  • Darling

    I’m not a woman scorned. I’m a woman who has common sense enough to stay away from potentially bad situations that may hurt someone else. When you think venom, think of what you may have poisoned someone else’s household with. The heart has nothing to do with selfish actions. This I know, because I can tell you some stories of people have self assessed and/or spent time in therapy. What exactly did you recieve that was so great and wonderful? Ask yourself that question and were you truly happy or living off a high from doing something that was wrong and the possibility of being caught? Then tell me it’s venom and we don’t know anything about the situation. Oh yeah and be honest with yourself.

  • Darling

    Common sense…I forgot…it’s so common. Notices those who have a problem with this, have a ton of excuses…hmmm.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Sorry, I’m only one man. Takes me a while to get though all emails and I try to deal with them in order, plus, work, write, sleep, family, etc. Whether you need the advice or not I will get to it eventually. Better late than never, right?

    Appreciate your patience.

  • http://primarythoughts.net Melanie

    Listening to some old songs on pandora #ilovepandora and this song came on The tide is high written in 1967… it’s the epitome of a woman in waiting..

    Everytime that I get the feeling
    You give me something to believe in
    Everytime that i got you near me
    i know the way that i want it to be
    But you know im gonna take my chance now
    I’m gonna make it happen somehow
    And you know i can take the pressure
    A moment’s pain for a lifetime’s pleasure

    Every girl wants you to be her men,
    But i’ll wait right here till it’s my turn
    I’m not the kinda girl who gives up just like that
    Oh no (not gonna make it)

    * CHORUS *
    the tide is high but I’m holding on (yeah)
    I’m gonna be you’re number one (yeah)
    the Tide is high but I’m holding on
    I’m gonna be you’re number one

    Smh… women are built to be strong, but I don’t think this is what He had in mind.

  • Darling

    Ahh, sleep is over rated, just kidding. Didn’t mean to seem pushy. On that subject anyway, lol.

  • Lyndon

    And THIS is exactly what I’m talking about when I say we have never had it right.

    You can even listen to some old Betty Wright (The Other Woman) to hear our relationships have been off base. And this ain’t strength, it’s good ole foolishness. And this type of thinking is what fuels the black male ego to do the things we do.

  • Womanofyr

    It’s so easy to be in love when you know only 10% of the person. But knowing the whole personality, value systems, philosophies, lifestyles, now that’s something else. The guy could be getting drunk or high half the week. If he in love with you, he probably having one night stands when he not with you: Because he don’t want to commit to others. Or is he “committed” to someone else.

    And what if being a side man is a way to escape the relationship problems he causes in a real relationship. He may even have twisted philosophies about relationships.

    Whatever his lifestyle or personality is, it’s definitely going to be different from the main man. It would be starting over, where the man is starting to incorporate you in his life. Some men just don’t do that with their women. Or they do it differently.

    There needs to be a reality check. Find out if he got twisted philosophies, if he has a bad temper. Does he normally spend weekends with one woman, with the guys, with his kids, church, at multiple bars, club hopping, strip clubs. Find out if he wants to be exclusive with you. If he don’t know what he wants, that means no he’s not in love. Sometimes asking the questions can be effective. Because he will admit some things, or refuse to talk and work things through.

  • Womanofyr

    Oops that post was @Sam.

  • Womanofyr

    @Confused..

    He got kids. Do you really want to shake up his family? And he has the nerve to brag on being a family man. He full of himself. If he can be a family man and a cheater at the same time, he twisted somehow.

  • candace

    Waiting? I have to agree with you Lyndon…It is folishness and it does indeed validate that idea that men who make you wait are worth your time. Strenght in that situation as far as I am concerned is taking your life elsewhere to someone who wants to be happy with you without delay…SMH

  • candace

    BTW NWSO I like your BVX piece!

  • The Duchess

    LMAO @ the search for your gravatar pic!

  • Chris

    Alright… I didn’t get through all the comments, but I would like to say that I agree with Darling and Rastaman on this one. I see majority of the same ol’ topics on here and it makes it seem like a bad season on Maury and Jerry Springer.

    She knew what she was into and has been in there for 3 years and yet she speaks on a “committed” relationships outside of the part-time hookup, but is more focused on the part time than the supposed full time. If she spent more time worrying about her own house then she wouldn’t have time to worry about his antics.

    Plain and simply put, she’s dumb as a bag of rocks for this particular piece, but I guess feelings can make you do some stupid things. On another note, most women tend to be competitive in relationships, but this is just ridiculous. Stop trying to go for men who are taken, if he’s looking to be with a side piece then expect it, otherwise go find someone who’s willing to make you more unless you don’t feel like that’s what you’re worth.

  • B

    @RASTAMAN

    BRAVO!

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Thanx, ma’am. :)

  • http://www.AConleyCreation.com karmagini

    Damn, all this judgement! I’m sure almost all of us have been in some unhealthy relationships, in which we didn’t see clearly or had blinders on during. We all make mistakes, we all have baggage, some more than others. I can say from my experiences it’s challenging to be able to see beyond the patterns you’ve become used to. We can be blunt about the situation and still be compassionate. Where is the love?!

  • hellifknow

    @karmagini: THANK YOU. I could not have said it better myself. Part of the harsh judgment on here is the reason why people in painful and difficult relationships or even dysfunctional ones can’t get the help and support they need to change. And that includes the demonized men in the situation, who are not always unredeemable or evil. I think we need to show each other much more compassion. And I’ve been in the side situation, a very painful experience for me and the man. No excuses for either of us, but I’m glad that I had non-judgmental supportive friends who allowed me a safe space to vent and ultimately detach.

  • Trufe B. Told

    A Side piece is to be entertained…where? On the side. (Hence the name)Duh! I think a woman should realize that her love is only as free as her pu$$y! Ha! (I make myself laugh sometimes)

    If a man is showing you that he wont commit to his main chick, how could the conclusion reasonably be drawn that he would suddenly begin to commit to one that is CLEARLY not his main?

    Further, If you wanna Ef him go ahead. Lead with your eyes though, not with your heart. Problem with side bitches is that they fall in love. Meanwhile, the guy is getting all he can stand from both ladies in his loop.
    Yes, side pieced-ness is DEFINITELY a raggedy existence. I’m not gonna psychobabble you with that low self esteem bull…fact is,
    he’s takin it outta her and stickin it in you. if she has herpes, you soon will, or worse a bastard child that perpetuates mommy’s sad state of living…

    I say, get a life and stop being his F uckt oy!
    Because he is definitely effin you! And you’re letting him!!
    or if u wanna stay his f uckt oy sit sown and shut up ans stop asking for advice.

    Peace and love.

  • Darling

    Trufe, I basically said the same thing. I’m told that I’m a woman scorned though. So since a guy is saying it, are you scorned also? lol

  • Trufe B. Told

    absolutely not. Trufe is Trufe no matter who speaks it….

  • Darling

    LOL, see I knew I had a point.

  • Lioness

    Suri, leave the married man alone and you already know ur not his only dip. What a shame.