I was hoping you could give me some advice on a situation that I find myself in. I’m in a relationship with a man for the past three years off and on, but we were both in committed relationships with other people.
We got back together back in May and everything was great! Kisses, deep and sensual, and lovemaking off the chain! It was great, but lately he texts me sporadically and says, “Just checking up on you.” He used to say how much he missed me and missed being with me, now I get small pecks on the lips, his touch isn’t the same, and the sex is quick and over. He used to take his time with me. We used to talk more, but now he only calls when he hears from me first (at least it seems like that). Also, he’s never called me by my first name. He usually calls me babe or baby. I heard this is a sign that a man has multiple women and doesn’t want to call the wrong name.
I’m so confused.
Now, he’s not all bad, sometimes he can be thoughtful and caring and tell me how he appreciates me being there for him. I just wish I knew how he really felt about me. He used to say he loved me before the first time we broke up. Not all the time, but enough to let me know how he felt. I care tremendously about him. I think I could even say I love him but I think he might be seeing someone else.
I texted him last week and told him that he’s changed and I couldn’t be with him anymore, and he met me a couple of days after that. We had lunch and “hung out,” as he called it. Needless to say we were intimate and he called me and texted me a couple of days after that then went back to his normal self.
I know you must think of me as such a pathetic mess, and I feel like he is playing me, but I have no proof and I’m not sure if I’m jumping to conclusions or just being overly sensitive as to “this being the way men are, and not showing their feelings.”
We’re both busy with our families and work, but these things haven’t affected us before. Am I playing myself? Should I face the fact that he may be trying to keep me dangling on and try to appease me from time to time to keep his most loyal sucka hanging on as a standby?
I look forward to your insight and advice.
Dear Sucka For Love,
Here’s the thing that caught my attention right off the back, you say you were both in committed relationships with other people for three years off and on? First of all, stop lying to yourselves, those “committed” relationships clearly weren’t that committed if both of you were messing around on the side for THREE years.
Secondly, as I always say, how you meet someone is how they’ll leave you. Both you and he were cheating on someone else to be with each other so what makes you think that you’re so special that he won’t cheat on you?
Both of you have shown your lack of commitment; so why should there be trust on either side? If I were in that situation that “what if” would always be in the back of my head based off of personal experience.
Based on your letter I’m unsure of where things stand with the previous “committed” relationships both of you had/have and what title y’all now place on your current dealings with each other. Basically, what I want to know is are you still the side chick and getting jealous that he’s not giving you his full attention? Or are you both free from those previous ties and made some sort of official “commitment to each other? Neither is clear but I’ll assume that the previous relationships are over and y’all have an unspoken commitment with each other, because it doesn’t sound like you guys had a conversation to make it “official.” I could be wrong but I didn’t hear you call him your man and he isn’t acting like someone in a serious relationship, rather someone just “kicking it.”
Now you say you wish you knew how he really felt about you. Well, have you asked him? The easiest way to get any answer to any question is to go to the source not your imagination or some random blogger (although I appreciate ya) because that’s the only way you’ll know for sure. Yeah, he could lie but hopefully you know him well enough to see through any BS. Also, at least that way you can express how you feel and your concerns rather than keeping them to yourself. There should be way better communication here especially if you guys are “official.”
You said that you texted him and expressed that he had changed and you couldn’t be with him anymore. That was great, but then you slept with him (I assume the same day or shortly thereafter). Whatever the case, your actions contradicted your words. You basically told him that I don’t want to be with you but I’ll gladly sleep with you.
Commit-less sex? That’s a win-win for most guys. You (not him) need to make a decision and stick to it. Otherwise, you’re playing yourself. While I don’t think you’re a “pathetic sucka” as you put it, you clearly recognize that you’re not doing right by yourself. So put on your big girl draws and keep it moving. You deserve better and should go out and get/find better. Worst case, you leaving him alone will make him realize what he’s lost and he’ll come sniffing back around again. But, I’d hope you’d have enough sense to realize that you could do better on your own.
At the end of the day, you guys may have had something at some point but I feel like the relationship was doomed from the start because both of you didn’t do it right. By allowing each other to be side pieces instead of breaking up with your significant others to try dating officially, your relationship started off on a weak foundation. That’s not to say that you guys can’t be the exception to that but he’d have to change a whole lot for that to happen.
Could you ever truly trust someone who initially cheated to be with you? Do you believe that when someone you’re dating calls you by nicknames it’s because they got someone on the side? Do you think it’s a mistake to make idle threats in a relationship? What do you think this letter writer should do? Should she wait this guy out or move on? Do you think she can ever trust him based on their history? Can a side piece ever become a center piece?
Speak your piece…
Peep this piece I did for The BVX called “The Claim Game: A Man Won’t Claim a Woman He Don’t Want.”