Struggling With Step-Parenting (How Da ThRONe Copes)

Good Luck to you both!!! Under the right circumstances I would relocate. I would think that your first time up being a parent as a step parent would be a challenge. You tend to have all these idealistic thoughts about raising kids. Especially older kids/teens. As a single Mother raising a teenager, I have no qualms about having interactions between my son and a significant other. But being the cautious person that I am, it would take alot of time before I bring that person into my childs life.

I've met several men who live out of state and I made it clear that I wasn't interested in relocating, which is the primary reason I try to meet people who live in my city. It may be a lot for a man to relocate here for me, but it's even more for me to relocate for a man because that would mean leaving my son behind in Ohio and I will not do that, not even for a relationship.

I never allow men I am merely dating to even meet my children, let alone discipline or correct them. That puts him in a parental status and unless we share a last name, a house and a future together, he does not have the authority to correct my children. I wouldn't want my children to become attached to someone who may not be around later, so I keep my dates away from my children. They are aware I have children, so it isn't a surprise later. I know some who lie about their children to keep a relationship.

Congrats on the upcoming nuptials! I wish you all the best and more!

This is a great read...I am in a similar situation. I was young when I had my first child and my then boyfriend already had a one year old, we were married (still very young) and a few years later find out he has another child....things got complicated and we separated, another child ended up coming into the picture because she wasn't being cared for properly, then he has another child with another women during our separation. Frustrating? Yes. Hurtful? HELL YES! Yet I have stood by my man and done my best not to hold these things over his head, I have no relationship or no interest in a relationship with his mistress' child but the other children and I have a great relationship, they look at me as their mother and are comfortable talking to me. My husband and I have a few kids together the only thing is that I feel as though sometimes he and his family treat them different. I don't like that. I've tried talking about it but no one listens, of course I'm crazy. But I see it plain as day...when my children's birthdays come around they barely get a phone call...I haven't really spoke my mind about it until now, but in all honesty in my situation if I could have done it again, I wouldn't.

A relationship with a selfish person? Not gonna work. You can't teach an adult how to put other peoples needs before their own sometimes. I wouldnt mind a woman with children but i don't like an untrained child. I once saw a little kid go into someones apartment (she had never been there before) and just go into the peoples fridge like she lived there. Who does that?

How important is selflessness in a relationship? Very important, but it is a learning process.

Would you relocate for the one you love? Absolutely

Have you ever thought about the intricacies or being a successful step-parent? Yes, i have a child so i’ve considered how it may be if i meet someone w/a child.

Do you feel your partner has a right to scold your child when you’re in a serious relationship or only a marriage? I think for both it would depend of how much of a bond my significant other has w/my child. If she were to view him a father figure then yes he would be able to scold her. As long as it comes from a place of love, I wouldn’t have a problem w/it.

How much of an impact does the age of the child play on the role of the step-parent? To me it plays a big part. My kid is 13 so I have to agree w/DaThrone that it will be very difficult because my kid is past the child stage. Lucky for any future suitors my daughter has been raised right.

Does the idea of raising someone else’s kid(s) bother you even if you’re getting married? Yes, even though i have my own. My daughter is not perfect but she is very well behaved, honor roll, soccer team, the whole nine. So if i were to enter a marriage and my partners kid/kids didn’t act right, that would present a problem for me.

Would you rather have your own kids with your spouse? Yup, but things dont always work out that way.

Are you excited to hear about Da ThRONe and Shay’s impending nuptials? What did you think of Da ThRONe’s guest post?
I, for one, can really appreciate his honesty. Thank you for finally keeping it 0. As a single mom, a few of your comments stung a little, but hey you’re honest and cant really be mad at the way you feel and view things. Thank you for being man enough and brave enough to be real, when clearly you’re in love. That can’t always be easy, especially when in love, too worried about your truth being taken the wrong way, but obviously you and your girl have that open communication. It must be nice to be able to do you and no judgment. Congrats on finding that! May God bless your journey and you both =)

My fav quotes...
“Without a doubt, though, I can say that for every step we move back we move three steps closer”
“I can’t say I agree because she is my hero.”
I was all AWE out loud =) So happy for you two.

@daThrone' This was about real life and I enjoyed it. We all wished that life was just black and white, wrapped up in a nice paper w/ a bright red bow, but as we can tell from this piece, life is far from this ideal.

Even though I disagree with your views at times, I applaud you for trying to make this relationship work in spite of the flaws. We all have them and it's amazing how men run away when they find that we are actually very imperfect creatures, shaped by our upbringing and our experiences (molestation, abuse, degradation, infidelity)-many of which we had no control over. I wish you guys the best, b/c the situation can't be easy.
Also, men like to act as though they don't have flaws/issues, esp. in black culture (who saw 'for colored girls??) and this can be another huge problem in relationships b/c they don't actually like to discuss such things. Don't worry, men, we know you are flawed, we accept you as such, but it helps to communicate this so we can help you.
Ok, I'm digressing.
How important is selflessness in a relationship?
Extremely.
Would you relocate for the one you love?
Yes.
Have you ever thought about the intricacies or being a successful step-parent?
Yes, but the thought was never put into action, b/c I've only dated childless men thus far. Weird, seeing that I actually don't discriminate against single fathers.

@ NWSO-I don't understand how your parties and other shin digs are always mid-week. Is this a NY thing?? Darn it, we have jobs you know..

Great post da Throne! You and soon to be Mrs. da Throne (congrats again!) step out on faith with ya'll love and are crossing the hurdles as they come. However, for me...I can not move to the other side of USA and live with 'Sam' and his child. If me and 'Sam' enter both without children, even then we're gonna take some time to ourselves before we bring a baby into the picture. I have no children nor do I have that instant "motherly instinct" that childless women claim to get when they are in the presence of babies/children. (I mean I love a cute baby and all but I'm by far not the first to scream "Oh let me hold'em") So having the instant family and leaving behind my two-seater for the mini-van will NOT be handled so gracfully. Does that make me selfless? Yep. Am I ashame? Nope.

I am what I am, so no sharin' my green eggs and 'Sam'!

First let me say,

It's been a while since I have been on the blog. Congratulations is in order to Da ThRone for his recent engagement. I'm just now catching up with all the news. I feel like I'm the distant cousin in another state that finds out all the family news 2 years later!

Ok now back to the original post at hand:
How important is selflessness in a relationship? Would you relocate for the one you love?

I'm going to answer this from my personal stand point. I was selfish in my past relationship. I didn't want to get hurt, so I had a protective wall around my heart and with that, was the end of my relationship. I gotta give it to my ex although we were together for 10 plus years (long distance) he was/is a stand up dude....

That leads me to the other question "would you relocate for the one you love" To each it's own. I didn't relocate because i didn't want to move too far from my central support (family) Hence, my selfishness led to the end of that relationship. So looking back in retrospect I would totally become a selfless person, and let love take a chance. I did myself a dis-service for not letting that person in my heart fully.

Have you ever thought about the intricacies or being a successful step-parent?

Alright, so I am with someone right now. Older gentleman with a daughter that is a senior in high school. (Whoa!!!!) I'm 31........ athough marriage is not in the picture, I often thought what if we would get married? Am I prepared to become a step mother?? (Often known as the wicked step mother) I don't think I wrapped that thought too tight around my head yet...but from experience with my father and his multiple girlfriends...I would still enforce a bond a parent should have with their child. I would never ever want to come in between. I would also tell the child that!

OHHHHHHHHH it felt so good to write on here again! It's been so so so long. I promise I won't stray that long again!!

CONGRATS on the nuptials dawg.
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
So many of us put a pre-requisite on our happiness and then we wonder why things don't turn out like we want them. The truth is most things in life worth having required sacrifice. There is no guarantee that there will be a happy ending but at least you are making an attempt to grasp the gold hoop. What is life without trying?

In all my significant relationships I did things I never thought or considered doing before but part of loving someone else is going beyond self- imposed limits. Not in some romantic chick flick idealized way but the real ways every day men and women go about making personal sacrifices for each other to attain something better.

I grew up in a blended family and I can tell you if raising children properly is the most important job in the world, raising other peoples' children is doubly so. Parent with child is a packaged deal no mistake about that but that parent has to empower their spouse to take an active role in that household. Disciplining children is part of the role of adults in any household. If one party is selfless enough to take on the responsibility of that child then the other has to be selfless enough to allow them. It cannot be a one sided give.

I have always taken the view that if I choose to love and commit to a woman; I am pledging and committing to all aspects of her. So if that includes her children from a previous relationship then that is the decision I am making. It is not ideal but not even things that look ideal are...love, marriage and children are precious things and the only way to guarantee the best is to give them the best you can. If you put in a half hearted effort you will get a half hearted results.

To the single parents, please understand that making your children a shield or an obstacle to your happiness does not make you a saint. Part of being a parent is teaching your child how to create and nurture a loving rewarding relationship.

Well, I see so many single parents who seem to believe that having children is a reason to no longer have intimate relationships and often express that decision as some noble undertaking of self sacrifice. When in many cases its there way of hiding. The primary place children learn how to have relationships in in their homes, if they never see that what will they have to emulate?

Congrats to both of you. It’s truly great to see some black people getting married, and hopefully staying married, for a change. I wish you two the best and a very successful marriage. As far as the blended family thing, I’m really not sure. I’ve dated single mothers before and it’s definitely not for the faint of heart. There just seem to be too many peripheral issues for me to be able to function properly. For those reasons I have been kind of leaning back off of the mothers. I saw someone say up post that they had a one year waiting period on men meeting their child but that can be problematic too. I find that you end up with one of two difficult situations on your hands. 1) She dumps her kid(s) in your lap from the get go. That’s just unattractive to me. I don’t know you well enough to know if I even want to be around you like that. Why would you bring your child(ren) into the picture so soon? 2) She essentially hides the kid(s) from you for an extended period of time. I can respect this stance because you don’t want your children to ever be in a dangerous position. However, this tends to severely limit the time you get to spend getting to know your new suitor. In my case, I tend to lose interest pretty quickly and so it becomes a calculated risk. In addition, for me at least, there is the fear that I might invest a year in a woman and be quite serious about her; only to find out she is raising children of the damn corn. Like I said before, it all sounds nice and sweet but the reality is there’s just more to it than I’m willing to invest the time in at this point in my life.

It is only natural for any parent to want to shelter their children from the negatives of life and no reasonable person would fault that. But parents are the main role models for their children and it is through them that so many of life lessons are learned. When it comes to a single parent dating, they have to be more resolute in gauging the people they bring into their lives more so that other single people. Meaning that person should represent not only a prospective partner but a prospective parent figure. In other words that man or woman you digging on, should also be the kind of person you would not mind having around your children. If you are worried about that person being in your child's presence then they should be excluded.

The playing field has changed and so you have to pick up your game. Easier said than done, i know but being a parent requires you to be more responsible and that is real.

Congrats Throne & Shay! I just got married & it is not a walk in the park but it is SOOOOO worth it!

Great Post!

It is hard, but if you love each other you can make through it.

Much respect to you bro for stepping up in the name of love. I dated numerous women, some serious, whom have had kids, and the outcome varies. It all depends on the level of investment you bring to relationship, plus the emotional stability of baby momma-and daddy and child--these factors will all play huge parts in the potential of relationship to be healthy and last. Bro,real talk: we all want our own kids--no matter how you bond with a step child--you still want your own seed, no matter what. However, that does not mean you can't establishing a great father-son relationship with a step-son. Kepp ya head up and all will work out. Just remember that of you guys are going through huge adjustments and its stressful and awkward for all involved. Peace

Girl, I feel ya! I too have not been with my daughter's father in 4 years and haven't been with anyone serious since. Her dad has brought at least 2 women that I know of around my daughter and has had another child. I see it like this, I haven't met the right one yet. My daughter has seen a few guys that I dated by accident and I have all introduced them to her as friends. When it comes time to a man being around her, trust me, it will be serious. I sometimes wish I had someone because I think her dad thinks that I still want him since he hasn't seen anyone, and to just have a man answer the door when he comes to pick her up excites the hell out of me lol. He has yet to deal with me having a man the way that I have had to deal with him having a girl (and he is not able to deal with that as yet). As long are you are dating, I dont think it matters much that your kid doesn't see it (they actually shouldnt). If they start to ask question, like my daughter has, you should say that when the times comes when mommy gets a boyfriend, they will be the first to know. Furthermore, just don't be afraid to live your life.

Dang! Why you gotta be "all the way" in New York, maaaaannn! I'm just saying. Lol! Seriously, I appreciate your comfort with truth.

Yeah I know you have a job too, but I'm going to go ahead and guess that it's in the city. So now it makes sense. You work in the city so you can just hang around for an after work party which is why weekday events is key for you.
Well the only 'industry' I'm in is the medical one. So I have to be on the job at 7 and usually don't leave much before 6. I live an hour from the city, work 6 days a week, so it's hard for me to get there except on weekends. I don't know why I just explained my entire schedule to you, lol...botttom line is have fun at your party and I now understand why you have week-day events.
Do well at the event tonigt too.

Hmm...that's SOOO not true...I'm 27 without children....now talk about finding a man w/o children at this age....well I have found a few..but they seem to be jackasses....go figure!

WOW! I've been gone too long. How did I miss this amazing news?! I'm thinking of all Da Throne's rants of the past and laughing. How awesome you and your wife met because of NWSO! CONGRATS! Best Wishes!

Congratulations! Awesome you found the woman of your dreams and have relocated to begin a life together. Moving cross country to be with your partner is always risky but with high risk comes great reward.

I was in a relationship (awhile ago) with a woman who had a child and a very active father in the child's life. But as the relationship grew and the more time I spent with the child, the more in love I became with the both of them. In the beginning, I was a little timid to parent her child because I figured he had two parents to do that. But lets face it, the oxycotin generated during the pregnancy creates a near unbreakable bond between mother and child, and unless that mother is abusive or deemed irresponsible by the courts, then the child will always be with the mom. And if you are marrying the mom, then you will be spending more time with her kid than the dad. And since all children need parenting, I believe you have to parent the child, even if it isn't biologically yours.

During our parents absence, we ask teachers to parent the children while they are in school and for coaches to do the same. For the most part, parents put their children in schools and programs that are in-line with their expectations and even thought it isn't outwardly requested "Please parent my child during my absence", parents do expect teachers/coaches to teach them right from wrong and hard working ethics. If you see your step-child going in the wrong direction (physiologically-speaking) then I believe it is your duty to discipline the child. In an ideal world, you, the mom and the dad would be on the same page on how to parent the child. However, I would argue that if the child is predominately living in your household, then you should have some say in how the child is raised.

For whatever reasons, the relationship between the mother and father didn't work out. And because he isn't around his child on a daily basis doesn't strip him of his parenting rights. But when the father does separate from the mother, he has to accept that at some point, there will be another man parenting his child as well. Being engaged tells me that she trusts you... and so beings your life as a dad.

Again, congrats.