WORDS BY TIA
They say most women subconsciously attract men that remind them of their first loves (Daddy) and I definitely attribute my desire for the Alpha male in the pack to my father.
I remember as a little girl my dad sneaking past me in the early hours of the morning so he wouldn’t wake me, as he always started his routes around 5am. At the time he worked for what we now know as a defunct symbol for corporate fraud. A true Enron of the 1980’s, which had the bright yellow T-shirts and hat to match: Crazy Eddie.
Life was good then. Money was never an issue in my household, the more there was to be made, the more my father brought home. He gave us anything we asked for—if we deserved it, of course. Birthdays were always filled with some piece of gold and cake, lots of cake. He ruled with a heavy hand, but protected us like a Lion would his pride. He spoke very little and was only concerned with good behavior and high marks in school. When he walked in a room, women would watch and men would move out of his way. He moved with a sedated nature that would frighten people who didn’t know him. He acted as if nothing bothered him, even if it did. These days they call it poker face, I called it stoic.
I remember distinctly a soap opera affair in my household. My mother has always been stunning, even in her “mature” age men still cant believe she has four children, so her youth was no different. In fact, one time my father’s cousin, who I never liked and would watch me steadily with predative eyes, called my mother and asked her to accompany him to dinner. The loyalty and love for my father was impenetrable and she quickly made it known to my father of his cousin’s shenanigans, who might I add, was married with two children. I’m not certain what my father said to him, but all we knew later was he disappeared—literally. He packed his family up and moved to Florida. We never heard or spoke to them again. My father was protective, loyal and didn’t stand for disrespect.
See, my father never lacked testicular fortitude. Something that I seek, even test when dating or getting to know a man. One particular evening, “Dread,” as I call him, decided to pop back into my life again. He was my first love and to this day still my best friend. Despite how wonderful he was and how highly I thought of him, he was in desperate need of testicular fortitude.
He was complaining again about his current relationship, which I would never comment on or input my advice. I never wanted to be the scapegoat for their demise, which was pretty much inevitable. She had three children by multiple fathers. He had none. He was warm, quiet and rarely argued. She was hasty and controlling and would start an argument over salt! He could see no clear and present future with her, but she wanted more children. Again, a disaster on a plate of garbage.
“Why are you there if you hate it so much?”
“What do you want out of your future in 3-5 years?”
“Is there something lacking inside of you that you need to re-evaluate?”
As his friend and ex-lover I knew all of the answers, I just wanted him to say it, digest it, and regurgitate it to the universe. He finally answered, “I’m going to be really honest, Tia. I started dating her because she reminded me of you. She can be quite demanding.”
I paused and was a bit insulted at first. Then, I remembered another male friend of mine saying the same thing over dinner. My best friend calls it “firm love.” Demanding! Of all things, he says demanding! So I started thinking, maybe I was. Or, maybe the man that raised me taught me to expect nothing less from a man since he gave me nothing less than the best. I went on the defensive at first then realized it was pointless trying to explain to someone that I know exactly what I want, when his life was in complete chaos and disarray. I simply replied: “Pray on it.”
No sooner did I hang up the phone did I start thinking about my current beau and his testicular fortitude. He was no stranger to commanding a crowd; he was quiet and terrible at the art of communication. He had a following sometimes he didn’t always want and lived in a grand bachelor pad. He never bothered me, but when I was around him he paid attention and was respectful. He noticed little things and complimented me rarely.
The things he did take notice of were strange to me, things he shouldn’t have seen. Like, the mole on my lip. Or the slight scar above my right eye. He let me say and do what I wanted but stopped me when I went too far. He was careful not to talk too much of the “women” in his life, and always made it seem as if he didn’t really want them. He was a go-getter and witty. He was not excitable, and reminded me how dramatic I was whenever I told a story. He could come up with great prose just from one word. He had to have things his way and rarely smiled, but when he laughed it was a treat from the Creator. He too called me “demanding” and told me off after one of our many pointless arguments. That was now three against one.
Now, thinking about it, he was just like my father in many ways: Strong, silent, ambitious and beautiful. I guess I was okay with his rash comments. At least he had the testicular fortitude to tell me to my face, unlike the others who would whisper it behind my back while asking me to go out for dinner.
Do you look for similar qualities as your parents in prospective mates? Or, do you want to date people that are nothing at all like your parents? Are you attracted to alpha males/females? If so, what is it about those type of personalities that attracts you? Would you rather date someone that stands up for themselves or lets you take the lead in the relationship? Have you ever been with someone that was “demanding” or are you that person? What effect did that personality trait have on your relationship? Would you give an ex advice on their current relationship?
Speak your piece…