Are You Scared to Let Someone In? (Emotional Walls)

0 Posted by - February 3, 2011 - Best Of: Loose Threads, Relationships, Love & Marriage

I can’t recall what exactly led to this point in the conversation, but here we were in a heated and emotional exchange. This was probably breakup #542 and I’m not ashamed to say that I felt the tears welling up behind my pupils long before I allowed them to trickle down my puffy cheeks. They had been resting there quietly, behind a fragile glass door for far too long, and here she comes with these f#ckin’ questions. Prying open the lock that my heart kept closed out of fear and necessity.

She could hear my voice cracking through the telephone and showed genuine concern for my wellbeing. But I was not in the mood for comfort. I could give a f#ck about anything else but the possibility of her, or anyone else, pitying me.

“Don’t worry about me,” I began. “You worry about yourself… I’m gonna be alright.”

“But I care about you, Ans, and I just wanna see you happy.”

“Don’t worry about my happiness. Worry about your own damn happiness. This, this ain’t your problem…. This…. This is all me… My issues… My sh#t…”

“But… You’re hurt, I can hear it… I don’t know what to do…”

“Don’t do nothing, just worry about yourself. I don’t need anyone… This is my cross to bear.”

This exchange went on for God knows how long. All I know is I didn’t want to discuss it. I didn’t want to share. I just wanted to go.

Finally, I just had to get off the phone. I’m a man and men don’t behave like this. We can’t show emotion. We can’t shed tears. We just hold them all in and save them for f#cked up moments like this. But I couldn’t let her in like this. I couldn’t make myself this vulnerable. Not to her. Not to anyone. I had no reason to drag her, or anyone else, into this.

I wasn’t crying over her or the possible loss of her. Like I said, I can’t even recall what got us here, all I know is that I was crying and I didn’t like it. But I also couldn’t stop it. There was nothing else I could do, so I was banishing her for her own good.

That’s a lie… It was for my own good.

Wait…

That’s another lie. It was for what I thought was my own good.

Here was a woman concerned for my wellbeing. A good person with a great heart looking out for me and my emotions. And what do I do? Vehemently dismiss her?

You damn right.

I couldn’t give her that space. How dare she care about me. (I actually said this to her). I’m the caregiver. I’m the one that has to be there for her and every other person in my life. I can’t allow myself to be in a space where I need someone else. Where I’m not in control of the situation, or at least appear to be. That ain’t who I am. That’s what I do. I fix things. I repair. I find the solution for every possible problem except my own. So f#ck her for trying to “fix” me. Nah, it can’t happen. I have to feel needed not needy.

Daddy wasn’t there. He left. So f#ck him. Granddaddy was there. But then he left, too. It wasn’t his fault, though, God was just ready to see him and I can’t be mad at Him for that, right? That would be sinful, right? So I just say f#ck everybody else. F#ck her for trying to get me to open up. F#ck her for caring. And f#ck me for sharing.

So here I sit an abandoned little baby trapped in a grown man’s body with my head in my hands, tears trickling down my face and a broken heart bursting through my shirt like a Roman candle on the 4th of July.

Alone. Quiet. Unfulfilled. Dismissed. Damaged. Jagged. Defiant. Structured. Scattered. Buried. Mystified. Deceased. Unknown. Unclaimed. Strong and weak at the same time. Mournful. Distressed. Stressed. Fully dressed, but still Naked…

With Socks On.

*Sigh*

INHALE…

EXHALE…

Thanks for listening…

What would you do if someone you were dating blocked you out like this? Would you take it as a sign that the relationship was over or give them space to sort things out emotionally? Have you ever bottled your emotions up only to have them bubble up at the wrong time? If so, how did you deal with it? How hard is it for you to let someone in? Are you scared to get hurt once you let them in? What are your overall thoughts on this re-post from the archives?

Speak your piece…

Originally posted here.

  • mimattoko

    RT @NakedWithSocks: NEW POST : Are You Scared to Let Someone In? (Emotional Walls) http://nwso.net/2011/02/03/scared-to-let

  • Shannon

    My husband was like that, not wanting to let me in. He shut me out so much, I just stopped trying and over time, I stopped letting him in. This upset him terribly and we began fighting about it.

    My husband was the quintessential man; he never showed emotion or weakness and of course he never let me see him cry. Every time I tried, he…it was like he didn’t want me or anyone to care about him. It was like he felt he shouldn’t be cared about and he rebuffed all my efforts and over time I just stopped worrying and caring.

    Until he got sick. When he got sick, I worried and cared and panicked at the thought of having to live, be without him. He would brush me off and make light of my concerns…until we got the news that he was too far gone and he would never recover. It wasn’t until the end that my husband let me in and I finally saw him cry. We cried and held each other every night until the end and I was hysterical when I found him in our bed, already gone.

    He’s been gone for some time now and I can’t let anyone in, can’t let myself get close to anyone. I can’t take the chance of loving someone else only to lose them, whether it be through death or irreconcilable differences. I don’t have friends because I don’t want to have someone get close to me, then drop out of sight. It’s hard to get someone to understand what I feel and the life I’ve lived.

    It’s human nature to judge others and snap judgments are the most painful. You never want anyone to think of you as weak. You want to come off as strong, not someone who can’t handle things. I want people to actually take the time to get to know me before I make myself vulnerable to them. I have a lot of sore, hurtful places and I don’t want anyone to touch them.

    Losing John was hard for me. Now I should be moving on and meeting new people and getting on with my life. But…I feel stuck. I meet some good men, but I can’t bring myself to be a woman, allow myself to relax and just surrender, and let myself be loved. I’ve always been the one people came to, depended on and looked to for help and the truth is…I’m tired of always being needed. I want to be able to need someone, but I don’t have anyone to turn to when I’m in need.

    Opening up is something a lot of people have a hard time doing. It’s a difficult thing to be vulnerable to the world and to be vulnerable to those that are closest to you because they matter the most. No one wants to feel like a collapsing bridge, but even a bridge has support. You need it, too.

  • http://www.damatrixstudios.com Chia

    do you regret pushing her away? sometimes i think of things like that like, if you really cared about her, you would have made urself look like a fool before letting her go. she must not have been important enough to you. when guys push me away, i let them. cuz im not trying to fight for a man whos not willing to fight for me.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Can’t say If I regret or don’t regret pushing her away. It wasn’t about her, it was about me. I didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to share, didn’t want to discuss just wanted my space simple as that. Sometimes no one can help you deal with your demons other than YOU.

  • http://www.conversationsatthebar.blogspot.com Nicole

    If I didn’t know any better, I swear I’ve dated you before! Most of the folks I’ve dated have been emotionally closed/unavailable. The last person I loved (and still do) fits this description to a T. It was a very emotionally trying relationship because they could be so emotionally expressive, yet could never fully go there. We played the push pull game for a long time before I had to walk away. It was extremely difficult.

    Have you ever studied the Enneagram? According to dictionary.com the Enneagram is “a system of spiritual psychology based on an ancient Sufi typology of nine personality types or primary roles with the recognition of one’s type tantamount to a spiritual awakening.” Although I don’t know you, all the things you were saying about fixing things and figuring it out for others make it sound like you are 2, which is “The Helper.” It also means the focus is off your stuff.

    I just started reading your blog and it is very engrossing. Thank you for sharing!

  • http://www.conversationsatthebar.blogspot.com Nicole

    P.S. And yes, I’m trying to figure out why I’m attracted to and attracting emotionally unavailable folks…I let you know when I figure it out!

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    In that case, I must be a man then. :-|

    Well actually, I’ve gotten a lot better. I really have. But I still have a long way to go. I’m used to doing everything on my own. Everything. And although I’ve always appreciated being single (often for long periods of time), I’m becoming jaded again and if I meet someone, I may f— it up for the very reasons mentioned in this blog entry.

    Wouldn’t have even admitted this just a few years ago. A work in progress? :-|

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Thanks sis. Nah never even heard of Enneagram. New term/philosophy for me. I’ll take a gander when I get a min

  • Wmofyr

    I agree. If the guy wants to skip the subject for a while, that’s fine. But if he wants to push me totally out, then I guess he is not looking for that closeness to me, not today, maybe never. It could be just how he believes he should be to keep me looking at him in a good light. But I wouldn’t know for sure.

  • JC

    What would you do if someone you were dating blocked you out like this?- If it was a situation where I had asked before and still got blocked I would leave it alone, but then I would begin to block things from that person. I understand the need for space, but I am asking because I care not because I am shooting the breeze. If he doesn’t want to share that is fine but don’t complain when I do it back. And I have date A LOT of emotionally unavailable men and while they don’t like to give that trust they seem to want to receive it and get pissy when they don’t.

    Would you take it as a sign that the relationship was over or give them space to sort things out emotionally?- I would give space for a certain amount of time and then let go. Some people don’t realize just how much the act of talking can help. But in the end if my partner doesn’t trust me in opening up then I don’t want to be in a relationship with him.

    Have you ever bottled your emotions up only to have them bubble up at the wrong time?- Nope, not in my nature.

    If so, how did you deal with it?

    How hard is it for you to let someone in?- I will let people in, but if I find they aren’t returning then I shut down and I shut down HARD. It takes time for me to trust and if I find that they aren’t giving me the trust back I feel as if I have be used or played for a fool.

    Are you scared to get hurt once you let them in?- It sucks but that is part of loving someone and letting them in.

    What are your overall thoughts on this re-post from the archives?-I kind of felt bad for the woman, especially because it really sounded like she was reaching out to you and maybe if you had told her what was up but that you needed to handle it on your own things could have ended differently.

  • Wmofyr

    What would you do if someone you were dating blocked you out like this?
    I wouldn’t know what to do. I guess I would ask if I should change the subject. I would but, I might go back little by little. Or maybe he would.

    Would you take it as a sign that the relationship was over or give them space to sort things out emotionally?
    I wouldn’t think it was over, unless he actually wanted to stop the relationship totally; Rather than just skipping the subject.

    Have you ever bottled your emotions up only to have them bubble up at the wrong time? If so, how did you deal with it?
    Hmmm, if I bottled up, I’d be crying that night when no one can see me.

    How hard is it for you to let someone in?
    Hmm, thinking this over. It’s difficult.

    Are you scared to get hurt once you let them in?
    I figure if he aint looking for something serious, then the hurtin is in the future for sure. So I probably be breaking stuff off early.

    What are your overall thoughts on this re-post from the archives?
    Something is missing. What was the crying about? Was it touched by the fact that she was so darn caring? Was it wishing that things had been better; realizing that this was the good one that got away, too much drama already happened?

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Sorry, don’t have those details. Like I said/wrote, I can’t even recall what the convo was about or when this was (years ago). All I remember is the emotion and that’s what I tapped into to write this. That’s all I was focused on in penning this, the emotion. The cause of it was probably something I blocked out but the emotional memory remains and that’s what got expressed.

  • JustJanai

    @NakedWithSocks wow!! Great read.

  • http://womenarefrommars.wordpress.com/ NikkiB

    Wow. Thank you so much for this post, NWSO.

    This touches on so much I want to know about men. Us girls, we’re pretty good about airing our shit – to our friends, in public, on the internet… not all of us (obvi) but plenty. Men? Less. Just look at the comments here so far.

    For me, there are so many things here I’d want to talk about. Things that tie into our cultural stereotypes and constructs for men. Things I can only guess about, because I’m not a dude. Things I want to talk to men about.

    That being said, I don’t feel right engaging those topics here – because this post is so personal. But, NWSO, you ever wanna discuss further, I’m your girl.

    As for your questions? Put me on the list of “have dated the emotionally unavailable.” I’d have to agree with Wmofyr – space is fine, but always pushing me away? Problem. Period. As for me? I don’t bottle up shit. I am honest to a fault and wear my heart on my sleeve – without being a complete whackjob. It’s not difficult for me to let people in, I’ve actually needed to learn to be more discriminate – in terms of friendships.

    Relationships? Different story. I don’t connect in relationships very quickly. I’ve only had one really serious heartbreak, and the idea of going through that again terrifies me. However, if I were to feel that way again – the way it did before it came crashing down, I don’t think I would be able to keep it out or turn away. I’d be scared shitless, but helpless to say no.

  • Older & Wiser

    You need support also Shannon, have you gone to therapy to help you sort out your emotions? There is a great book I read that helped me when I became stuck in my grief journey after I lost half my family in a car accident, My #1 Is Still My #1!

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com Marcia H.

    Goodness man… If I wss near you I would give you a big ol hug! #Seriously. Almost had me sheding a tear…that was deep hun.

    Honestly if I was dating a brother like this I would try to find out what is wrong and if he still wasn’t backing down, then I would give him his space to sort out what he was going through and then reaffirm to him that I’m here whenever he was ready. I was never the type of person to bottle up my emotions… they mess with my soul and my physcial well being so I’m venting to anyone who will listen. Well not anyone just the great friends I have. I’ve never had an issue with letting anyone in. Maybe that’s why I get hurt so easy but then again I wouldn’t change letting someone in. Because if it doesn’t work out at least that person can know where they stood with me.

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com Marcia H.

    I agree with Older & Wiser you should def seek greif therapy. My mother did when my father past away and if helped her deal with his lost better than if she tried on her on. And love remember you deserving of love and to be loved. That is your divine right!

  • YAHProductions

    @NakedWithSocks Great post! I’ve dealt with emotionally unavailable men & I’ve been unavailable myself. Def takes patience to overcome.

  • Ashley

    I’m a true Pisces so it’s in my nature to be caring and to WANT to care for those I love. But, I won’t force you to open up to me if you’re not ready to. I will just patiently wait until you decide that “yes, she really does care and she doesn’t want to fix my problem she just wants to listen to it b/c she knows that once I get the words out I can start to feel better and figure out how to fix it on my own”. I’ve done this numerous times with my best friend. He doesn’t shut me out though. He just gets ready to talk about his issue(s) at 3 or 4am and my phone rings. Once I say “hello” I get quiet and let him get his thoughts out. Sometimes he’ll ask me what I think other times he’ll just thank me for listening, tell me he’ll call me later and hang up.

    I’ve never had a boyfriend do this to me though so I’m not really sure how I’d feel if he were to shut me out like in this post. I’m hoping I’d be the same way with my best friend. Patiently wait until he’s ready to open up to me.

  • http://preachthetruthteller.blogspot.com/ Preachthecomedian

    I’ve had most of my ex ladies say I made then crazy because I so up and down. Monday I love them and by weds I couldn’t stand them. I swear I have driven away some good women but I know now why I was like that. So I’m a better person for it but I do hate I was so confsing that way. One min. I’m open and sharing..the next I hang up on u for no reason

  • Jara

    Very brave post. The answer to most of your questions: “All of the time.” Some people want intimacy without the vulnerability that is required in order to have true intimacy. Did you ever play the “Trust Game” as a child where you fall backwards into your friend’s arms, or vice versa? If so, how easy was it for you to fall backwards without looking behind you? How many times did you have to try in order to fall backwards? Did you keep peeking behind you? Instruct the other person how to catch you? Criticize the person for letting you fall? Always insist on being the catcher and never the fallen? That’s how relationships are to me…if you don’t trust the other person to be there for you, then the relationship is not an intimate one and it definitely isn’t a partnership. Maybe the person has proven to be untrustworthy. Maybe you have trust issues. But something’s up if you can’t fall down with them.

    Like trust, distrust is contagious. In the “Trust Game”, the more the fallen distrusts the catcher, the less the catcher feels able to catch the fallen. Sometimes, the catcher decides to let the fallen fall on their ass to teach them a “lesson”. Sometimes, the catcher tries their best to catch the fallen but can’t hold the weight. Sometimes, the catcher successfully catches the fallen. If you never fall, then you never bust your ass…but you also never find the person who will catch you.

    The woman in your story sounds like a natural counselor, someone who cared(s?) for you. Now she may have issues with trusting someone who is emotionally unavailable. I hope not.

  • Jara

    To answer your “how did you deal with it?”: I am going through a self-healing process to discover the bottom of my trust issues and why I push people away (or only allow myself to be “close” to other emotionally unavailable people). Being alone really helps uncover those aspects of ourselves that being with someone distracts us from admitting. In a relationship, the problem can always be the other person…but alone, it’s definitely us. I feel much freer now that I have admitted why I don’t like to be vulnerable. The source of always wanting to be needed, depended on but never allowing others to fulfill that role is what needs to be healed before true intimacy can happen.

    Since this is an old post, my hope is that you’ve found some peace or a method that helps you release your emotions before they come out involuntarily and/or push people away.

    Writing can be cathartic, too. ;-)

  • jaclynsd

    What would you do if someone you were dating blocked you out like this? IF it was casual let it go and let him fix him…he’s not ready. If it was serious I’d (and have) be patient and understanding.

    Would you take it as a sign that the relationship was over or give them space to sort things out emotionally? I’d give him his space and push when I needed to. Some people need a push.

    Have you ever bottled your emotions up only to have them bubble up at the wrong time? Yep, many times. I had tears rolling down my face before I had any emotions…the emotions came after. This happened at work…no one saw thank God.

    If so, how did you deal with it? Headed to the bathroom, let my tears flow, got my head right and myself and back to work.

    How hard is it for you to let someone in? Very. I often get many comments like “you keep me at arms length”, “your like a shell and I cant seem to open you up,” oh and “your so hard to read.”

    Are you scared to get hurt once you let them in? Yes and no. But mostly afraid that’ll hurt others. Cause like an ex said “its like one day your in and you think your making progress and the next day your not and your sitting there wondering what happen” =( Like I said don’t want to hurt others.

    What are your overall thoughts on this re-post from the archives? Dint know it was a re-post but it was a good one…as always.

  • jaclynsd

    Everyone is a work in progress one way or another Spinster. Good growth on your part =)

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    Bless. Thank you. :-) SO needed to hear that at this very moment.

  • JC

    I used to be the type that while I would trust and open up I wouldn’t ask for help. My pride got in the way until I had no choice but to ask for help. And guess what??? It wasn’t as bad as I thought. Now I will ask any and anything. I always think “what is the worse that can happen? No one helps.” that just puts me back at the beginning. Alone but at least I gave those that say they love and care about me the option to help.
    It was then that I saw how selfish I was being to the people I knew cared about me. I didn’t have the right to take away someone’s choice to help me by not asking for it when I so desperately needed it.

    Finding yourself at the bottom, in the heart of depression…you will be surprised at what you do to get out…if you want to.

  • Lyndon

    It took years for me to see that I lived in a bubble. No woman could break it and the minute they’d get too close/comfortable, I’d find a a way to end it. Not until marriage did realize that EVERY woman I’d dated was as unavailable as me. Did I attract them or were they attracted to me? Not quite sure how or why it always played out the way it did. But I did learn through two relationsips afterwards that women require equal space as men do in regards to sharing their feelings. I guess it’s easy to be caretaker for someone else as long as they don’t try to get to know you. Both women I knew shutdown the minute I turned the tables. They weren’t ready to deal with them. So maybe it’s just safer and easier to deal with people that live in a protective bubble. Besides, have you ever been around two people that share intimacy/emotions equally? It’s annoying.

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    “you’re so hard to read.” >> The same has been/is said about me. :-|

  • JC

    Lyndon, thank you.
    My family was what others saw as standoffish. If there was a problem we kept it to ourselves. Once my mom died I cut that shit out and forced my dad and sister to do the same. It was her keeping her health to herself that made me realize just how much damage can be done.
    I may not run to every person with my problems but I will let people know what is going on…nothing worse than being blindsided by those you love.

  • Danielle

    “The source of always wanting to be needed, depended on but never allowing others to fulfill that role is what needs to be healed before true intimacy can happen.”

    That right there is all me. And it isn’t just with lovers, it’s with friends as well. To ask for help…ugh it burns! lol Eventually I will get my butt into therapy to find out why I’m this way.

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    “To ask for help…ugh it burns!” >> Me too, still working on it. :-| I’ve gotten better over time though, thanks to my mentor.

  • JC

    When I think of opening up and trust it doesn’t mean necessarily telling my dark secrets…but I will admit to having some. I don’t think you need to always give full disclosure. You will be surprised to find that some only want confirmation that YOU would trust them with your dark secrets. But in that same breath you have to be willing to let a part of you go. With my lovers I have shared various secrets…but none know all. Maybe one day I will meet a man that I feel comfortable telling all to…one day.

  • AliG83

    I don’t believe astrology has anything to do with how we care for others.

    To some people “Open up” and “Let people in” have no meaning for them. If one is raised in an inadequate emotional environment then some emotions aren’t felt because they were never learned.

  • Lyndon

    “It was then that I saw how selfish I was being to the people I knew cared about me.”

    The operative word is selfish. Unfortunately that’s how I was raised- To not depend or ask for shit. What it really taught me was how to keep people “out” and not sure what would happen if I let someone “in”. I co-sign EVERYTHING you said.

  • Lyndon

    Im still the enemy to much of my extended family because I’ve revealed so many “family secrets”. It’s time-out for all that. It’s hard to TRy and live an authentic life if everyone around is fake a fk.

  • Ashley

    co-sign to what you said Jara.

    I’m not big on astrology but I know enough about my own sign to know that when you look at the character traits of a Pisces it’s me in a nutshell. And yes, these character traits will give you all you need to know when wondering why I care so much and what I need for you to do (or say) to show me that you, in turn, care for me as well.

  • Lyndon

    JC, I’ve tried the “keep-some-to-yourself” role. It has never worked. In one way or another it always comes back to haunt me or the one Im with. I had a woman tell me once that she hated brothas that disrespected women and wore pants at their ass. But once I took a look at her track record all she dated was those types. It didnt’ match and she refused to even try to understand why she “hated” what she was “attracted” to.

  • Jara

    “I don’t believe astrology has anything to do with how we care for others.”

    That’s because you may not know enough about it and haven’t observed how people operate based on your knowledge of it.

    It can tell a lot about how someone cares for others and what they need to feel cared for by others.

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    Same here. Revealed some secrets less than a year ago and much of the family is still pissed. Oh well. Whatever it takes to increase personal growth, so be it. My mentor was SO proud of me. Kudos to you for being courageous.

  • http://preachthetruthteller.blogspot.com/ Preachthecomedian

    Man live is as shirt or long as u make it. I learned that a big part of life is giving up the ghost

  • http://preachthetruthteller.blogspot.com/ Preachthecomedian

    I don’t believe in astrology mainly because a few thousad or hundred years ago instead of being a Aries you’d be a Virgo due to how it was done then.
    It’s like saying because you were born in this hospital you will be like this…not shootin down anyones belief buy still

  • jaclynsd

    Good, I’m glad.:) Just stay positive Spinster and remember positivity can come from anywhere. Even from this blog and hey even from a guest on it ;) Have a good weekend.

  • Rastaman

    I am the consummate stoic just like most of men who raised me around and very much the model of the type man I aspired to be. I feel have improved on that model because I do very well communicating my thoughts and concerns. While I have never been at ease communicating my emotions, I feel I have gotten better. I contend however that men, especially black men are not mow or in the near future served well by being emotionally uninhibited.

    Black male emotional expression is criminalized very early on. To be a successful black man in this society we have to learn to constrain our emotions because it could cost us our lives. One does not learn to turn emotions on and off like a tap. So women have to understand that the man you see who is restrained (bottled up) does it as a survival instinct. Being emotionally unconstrained as a man is viewed and treated differently in society. One of the benefits fathers/male role models provide to young boys is to teach us how to channel our emotions in a manner personally beneficial and self-preservatory,

    One of the things I noticed about many men raised exclusively by and around women is how emotionally unrestrained they are…they act and react emotionally very much like women. It may seem healthy to some but the truth is female emotional response is more socially acceptable than the same response exhibited by a man and especially black man. It may not be fair or right but it is what it is….

    After boys reach a certain age unabashed emotional expression that is acceptable starts becoming acceptable. Any type of male aggressive behavior is seen as bordering on delinquency or criminality. Girls learn to verbalize their emotions and boys learn to express ours physically. No one attempts to curtail verbal expressions but everything is done to curtail physical expression unless it can be commercialized through sports or some other socially acceptable source.

    I am arguing against men being emotionally available but having women understand that there are barriers to male expressions that are not always obvious. So understanding from where men come makes it easier to deal with them.

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    Thanks, you too. :-)

  • Jara

    @Preachthecomedian

    You’ve been misinformed by some astronomers who don’t know anything about astrology. Also, astrology is more than your “sign”. Learn more about it before dismissing it. Or not.

  • Jara

    Hi Ashley. Some people are just more open to considering astrology than others. Just from knowing that you’re a Pisces, I’d guess that it’s easy for you to give someone their space and you’re not very pushy as long as you know the person will come back around and open up to you later. Also, you probably don’t need them to tell you how they feel. You already know…and will wait for them to realize it. :)

  • R.e.D

    I can remember when I started reading this blog and I was back tracking and came across this one. I thought that you were pretty messed up on the inside- but hey which one of us isn’t in some way….
    My question/s is/are this: How have you changed since then? You were emotionally unavailable at that point, but have you grown since then? What did it take for you to let someone in and how did you actually work out your own demons? That’s probably a blog in and of itself, and you’ll probably tell me I’m not you boss, but I am just curious. You don’t even have to answer, just think about it.
    We all talk about all of our worngs, but we are vague on what exactly we did/ are doing to change them. Well- not everyone- Lyndon told us specifically what he did. I’m rambling, need to preserve energy to make it at work until morning.
    Happy wkend folks!

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Honestly it’s hard to say because I can’t remember what was at the root of the conversation for the life of me. This was a long time ago. Was she prying about my father? Well, I’ve talked to him since then and cleared the air a bit. Was she prying about my grandfather? Well, as you know, I recently went to his grave and dealt with some stuff through that experience. Was she prying about how good of a writer I am and need to start a blog…? LOL j/k

    At any rate, and whatever it was, I’d like to say the answer is yes, I have grown. I know for a fact I have in the past few years, especially because of my Ramadan experience(s). I credit that for a big turn in my life, plus just growth in my 30s.

    At the end of the day, if we aren’t growing—even a little bit—then there’s something terribly wrong. And besides, as y’all can see, I’m very tapped into my emotions—well, in the written form at least. I think that has trickled into the terrestrial world as well.

    #GymTime

  • Elle

    What would you do if someone you were dating blocked you out like this?
    – Well, since I am the one who is blocking and not allowing as many emotions as I used to, I quite frankly wouldn’t care much. You want to block? Fine with me. *shrug* People get paid nice chunks of money to figure others out. I do not so I don’t try to figure anyone out for free. Eff that. Life is too short to focus on somebody else.

    Have you ever bottled your emotions up only to have them bubble up at the wrong time?
    – Hmm, not sure if they ever bubbled up at the wrong time. Oh actually yes, they did.

    If so, how did you deal with it?
    – Took a deep breath and acted as if nothing happened.

    How hard is it for you to let someone in?
    – I don’t see the necessity to allow anyone in. It’s overrated.

    Are you scared to get hurt once you let them in?
    – I guess. Again, I just don’t see a reason to let people in. Humans are probably the most fickle beings on this earth. And since everyone is entitled to change their mind at any given time, I feel I am entitled to not want to deal with anyone on an emotionally dangerous ground. There are no guarantees in life and due to that I am not willing to take unnecessary risks. It’d be illogical.

  • http://robyninrealtime.tumblr.com rw

    it happens
    i tend to choose to deal with things privately, i’m not an avid pity party thower

  • Ashley

    {{sorry this response is late}}

    Jara,

    that’s pretty much me.
    :^)

  • Lizzy

    Ha, I am a girl and suffer the same affliction. Totally block people from getting in and seem to be attracted to unavailable men, not sure why. I am totally afraid to share my emotional thoughts and have bottled them for so long that I am about to burst with no one there to wipe up my mess or just help me recover. I am totally afraid that I will get hurt and have probably avoided love by just trying to over-protect myself. You last paragraph with all those adjectives are how i feel most times. **sigh**

  • Tres Jolie

    Wow Nicole…when you figure it out put a sister on. I always attract men who are emotionally unavailable. I keep thinking the problem is me.

  • Tres Jolie

    I just stopped seeing someone b/c he pushed me away. We started seeing each other in December 2010. Things were great! Although he has a son, we spent a good amount of time together. Out of no where she switched up. He stopped calling as much, he cancelled plans often. I took it as a sign that he was no longer interested and i backed off. Recently, i found out from a mutual friend that the sudden change in attitude was a result of issues he had with his son’s mother. Apparently, she has a problem with him dating and was threatening to keep his son away and made his life hell. I wish he just talked to me about it instead of making me think the problem was me. He just thought it would be easier to make ne out to be the problem and deal with the issue on his own.

  • http://www.magz725.blogspot.com Maggie

    I just want to hug you right now.

    What would you do if someone you were dating blocked you out like this?
    I’ve always been shut out even with the friendship that I have (with women as well). But if you don’t let the person know how are they suppose to change for the better? Because of that I have developed the tendency to shut people out as well.

    Would you take it as a sign that the relationship was over or give them space to sort things out emotionally? I gave them space and he dumped me. (i’m still hurt and haven’t been in a relationship since – 4 years ago)

    Have you ever bottled your emotions up only to have them bubble up at the wrong time? If so, how did you deal with it? Of course it was an emotional train wreck.

    How hard is it for you to let someone in? Are you scared to get hurt once you let them in?
    I find myself letting people in way too quickly and regretting it later. I’ve tried to chance it but it seems to be who I am and nothing I can do about it so I guess I’ll just keep getting hurt lol

    I really appreciate you posting this. Reminds me that men have feelings and that I’m not the only person on earth that is hurting (by myself)

    Speak your piece…

  • Artemis Fowl

    I always tend to bottle up what I’m thinking & feeling until it goes to an extreme. so I bottle up even when I’m trying to get close to someone at the gate. Very problematic especially if you are trying to get into & maintain a relationship. 

  • Jade :D

    hey i am 17 years old and my problem is i am too trusting of everyone and people break my heart all the time i think they just find it fun but i cant handle it i am a very caring person but i really want too atleast have a wall of some of the stuff i dont want to let out can anyone help me not too open up as much please? :)

    • Anonymous

      Peace sis,

      It sounds like you just have to do what you already know you have to: stop opening up too much. Not even sure what that means but if it’s causing you to get hurt clearly you should adjust something. It’s like if you keep touching a stove and getting burned eventually you learn to stop touching the stove. It’s not the stove’s fault you touched it, but your own.

      Now I’m not saying for you to stop being a caring person and become mean/evil, but not everyone has your best interests at heart so not everyone automatically deserves your trust. People should earn the right by their actions. You’re young and sound like you haven’t experienced a lot of things just yet so you will live and learn. Ultimately you should be able to trust your instinct. If something/someone doesn’t feel right then chances they aren’t.

      Hope that gave you some direction. Good luck.

  • Karehe

    with me its just some of the things that happened in my life just make me feel that once i let someone in im just gonna get hurt over and over again because some of the things that had happened in the past are just too hard for me to let go of.

  • [Not] Daddy’s Girl

    So I know this is a really late reply but I also deal w/ this. (I’m a female- college freshman) I have a lot of trouble letting people in (males + females, but especially males). It was ironic I read this post today bc this was the 1st time I told one of my friends (well in its entirety) about how I feel about being abandoned by my father (haven’t seen him in over 3 yrs). Basically I finally admitted (out loud) that I have daddy/commitment/trust issues but I also have a fear of being alone (a terrible mix). It’s ended in me lowering my standards & pushing people away. I’ve never been in a relationship before and very rarely even get physical (read:virgin lol). I feel like the 1st step in me starting to attempt to move on is admitting my problems so that I can work on them. Ah it also feels good to anonymously comment.

  • Sandy

    Wow, I really identify with this post!

  • Anonymous

    My ex split up with me 2 months ago and i have been trying to get her back since and she has went no contact and just ignores me constantly i have pleaded and begged in texts messages for her to contact me but she wont, i want her back we where in a long distance relationship, i cry myself to sleep all the time yet she just ignores me and gets on with her life like  i didn’t exist , we where a couple for over a year, i tried my best to get her back but not was working out until i found a spell caster who help me and he cast a love spell for which i use in getting back my ex

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  • unoived

    Im the blocker. Everyone who was meant to love me left. Mum, dad, stepdad. Relationships with men were screwed up, so I shut them out. I barely trust anyone, met my now husband, he got through, seemed Like I dI’d not need to be hardened arond him. Until I cry my little heart out in front of him, and he doesn’t even flinch. You might say he turned away. Never again will I open up, it’s so much harder to put trust in someone, only to have them betray it, then to never trust in the first place.

  • Alex

    I feel the same way you do friend i cant let anybody in not friends family nobody i feel as though it hurts me on the inside whenever somebody trys to to get to know me better i try to do good in relationships but cant i back out because i feel as though im gonna get hurt or if im gonna screw something off so i back out im afraid to show people who i am what it is that makes me. me im a very sensative person this is the first time ive actually opened up just a little and tell people a little bit about me. ive heard alot of negativity through out my life alot to the point where i cant be positive ever for the fear of just being put down once more my dad has made fun of me for along time calling me names and stuff and says men dont cry only sissy’s do so after hearing that its got me down so far to the point where im acting through out my day of every day im pretending to be someone im not for the fear of being made fun of for the fear of others hurting me so i started locking doors in my head tryn to close doors that i pray to god never get open but the do. I sleep about 2-3 hours a day for the past 7 years and never knew how to express myself thinking that i shouldnt say anything because there are people who has had it much worst then i hav so i dont speak out till i read the thing you wrote friend this is the first time im expressing my self and it feels good but scary and for whoever reads this please dont judge ive never opened the door i swore never to open till now…

  • Gabe Pierre Laican

    No one one will read this probably but i need to vent. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. From then I’ve never let anyone in besides my older sister, but lately I don’t let anyone in at all. I keep my thoughts to myself, I think it’s because mostly I lie to people so I don’t have to tell about the real me to protect my feelings. I can’t take another walk out from someone I truly care about. So I keep lieing and now it’s back firing because I really care about these people that falsely know me. My sister tells me to be myself but I can’t. I make my voice deeper because I sound like a gay faget, I’ve been doing this for 3 years now because I got tired of being made fun of and puberty being late. I suck my gut in and I’ve been doing that for 7 years now. If you read this you probly think I’m very disturbed well no shit dick traci. I’ve had so much shit happen to me and I can’t make friends because I not only have trust issues but anger issues. People say I scare them, I don’t try to but thats how it works I guess. I’ve had thoughts of suicide lately don’t know if I’m going into depression or just getting sick of my fucking life I don’t really know. Hopefully I don’t kill myself but if it happens it happens I don’t give a fuck it’s not like people care about me anyways. People say they do then I hear them talk shit behind my back or they justt stop talking to me all together. Some people might think I’m doing this to get attention, well I’m not I need to fucking let this shit out because I feel like I can’t talk to anybody. People say you know you can talk to me right, about anything. Well I’m sure if I talked to you, yopu would put me in an institution for crazy people or the mentaly disturbed. I used to blame this on my parents and really I still do but in reality it’s my own damn fault. I’m also sorry I didn’t talk about the paragraph up top but like i said i need to vent and this random website did the trick.

  • Hunter57dor

    im still waiting for that girl who will just not give a sh#t about my emotional walls and come in and find me. i keep myself away from others, just so i don’t get hurt. i wall myself in. im safe in my little castle all by myself. its lonely, and i hate it, but i just KNOW if i go outside im gonna get picked off by the first person i meet. i have tried so hard to just relate to another goddamn person on this earth, but im still too scared to open myself up to getting hurt like that.

  • joe

    wow. glad you posted this. great writing. i’m struggling with similar issues. it’s on the 3rd page for a google search for ‘how to open up emotionally’, btw.

  • Grace

    NeHonestly speaking, I can feel your anger, resentment and fear too. I understand that your wall being built up is because you fear of being left behind, as these are actually. contributed from childhood. You are pushing those that care for you away because of your deep emotional is unsettling like a tidal waves. Which can’t be deny that you have been terribly hurt. And also expect and want yourself to be a caretaker and provider. So they are making you feel very valuable. And you dislike that kind of feeling.
    What I want to tell you is you are not responsible for the past and also other’s feeling. It goid that you share it out online. Hope you feel better after sharing.