I can’t recall what exactly led to this point in the conversation, but here we were in a heated and emotional exchange. This was probably breakup #542 and I’m not ashamed to say that I felt the tears welling up behind my pupils long before I allowed them to trickle down my puffy cheeks. They had been resting there quietly, behind a fragile glass door for far too long, and here she comes with these f#ckin’ questions. Prying open the lock that my heart kept closed out of fear and necessity.
She could hear my voice cracking through the telephone and showed genuine concern for my wellbeing. But I was not in the mood for comfort. I could give a f#ck about anything else but the possibility of her, or anyone else, pitying me.
“Don’t worry about me,” I began. “You worry about yourself… I’m gonna be alright.”
“But I care about you, Ans, and I just wanna see you happy.”
“Don’t worry about my happiness. Worry about your own damn happiness. This, this ain’t your problem…. This…. This is all me… My issues… My sh#t…”
“But… You’re hurt, I can hear it… I don’t know what to do…”
“Don’t do nothing, just worry about yourself. I don’t need anyone… This is my cross to bear.”
This exchange went on for God knows how long. All I know is I didn’t want to discuss it. I didn’t want to share. I just wanted to go.
Finally, I just had to get off the phone. I’m a man and men don’t behave like this. We can’t show emotion. We can’t shed tears. We just hold them all in and save them for f#cked up moments like this. But I couldn’t let her in like this. I couldn’t make myself this vulnerable. Not to her. Not to anyone. I had no reason to drag her, or anyone else, into this.
I wasn’t crying over her or the possible loss of her. Like I said, I can’t even recall what got us here, all I know is that I was crying and I didn’t like it. But I also couldn’t stop it. There was nothing else I could do, so I was banishing her for her own good.
That’s a lie… It was for my own good.
That’s another lie. It was for what I thought was my own good.
Here was a woman concerned for my wellbeing. A good person with a great heart looking out for me and my emotions. And what do I do? Vehemently dismiss her?
You damn right.
I couldn’t give her that space. How dare she care about me. (I actually said this to her). I’m the caregiver. I’m the one that has to be there for her and every other person in my life. I can’t allow myself to be in a space where I need someone else. Where I’m not in control of the situation, or at least appear to be. That ain’t who I am. That’s what I do. I fix things. I repair. I find the solution for every possible problem except my own. So f#ck her for trying to “fix” me. Nah, it can’t happen. I have to feel needed not needy.
Daddy wasn’t there. He left. So f#ck him. Granddaddy was there. But then he left, too. It wasn’t his fault, though, God was just ready to see him and I can’t be mad at Him for that, right? That would be sinful, right? So I just say f#ck everybody else. F#ck her for trying to get me to open up. F#ck her for caring. And f#ck me for sharing.
So here I sit an abandoned little baby trapped in a grown man’s body with my head in my hands, tears trickling down my face and a broken heart bursting through my shirt like a Roman candle on the 4th of July.
Alone. Quiet. Unfulfilled. Dismissed. Damaged. Jagged. Defiant. Structured. Scattered. Buried. Mystified. Deceased. Unknown. Unclaimed. Strong and weak at the same time. Mournful. Distressed. Stressed. Fully dressed, but still Naked…
With Socks On.
Thanks for listening…
What would you do if someone you were dating blocked you out like this? Would you take it as a sign that the relationship was over or give them space to sort things out emotionally? Have you ever bottled your emotions up only to have them bubble up at the wrong time? If so, how did you deal with it? How hard is it for you to let someone in? Are you scared to get hurt once you let them in? What are your overall thoughts on this re-post from the archives?
Speak your piece…