How Many Sexual Partners is Too Much? (Numbers Game)

0 Posted by - February 21, 2011 - Uncategorized

Dear NWSO,

I randomly stumbled upon your blog and I love it even though most entries are for an older age group ’cause I’m 19 and a sophomore in college. I’ve had many sexual partners and compared to my friends my number is larger than theirs. I always practice safe sex and get tested but I’m scared that in the future a guy won’t marry me because of my number.

My question is: How many sexual partners should a woman have in their lifetime? Is it okay for guys to have a large number but not girls? Also, is it wrong to lie about your number when someone asks? And if your number is high does it mean you are a whore?

I enjoy sex but yet I find myself needing some type of advice or validation about it being okay to have sex with as many sexual partners as I want. Hopefully you can give me some advice on this topic. Thanks!

Dear Hot Girl,

Deep question(s) but it ties in to the panel discussion I’m having tomorrow night (hint, hint) about whether men view “Claire Huxtable” and “Nicki Minaj” women differently in terms of the sexual habits and HIV status. Information is at the bottom of this post, but I digress…

As far as your question about how many partners should a woman have in a lifetime; there’s no universal answer. It depends on the individual, who her future husband is and what the general attitudes are in the culture she’s living in. For argument’s sake, let’s assume it’s American culture, which generally looks down on women with too many (which is relative) partners, while men are praised for having a lot of sexual conquests. Is it fair? Hell no, but it’s par for the course based on the culture.

While I’m raised in this same culture I also understand there are different variables to consider. If a woman is in her mid 20s and already has 30+ partners I’m definitely going to give her the side-eye but I’ll also have some questions before casting her to the side. Like, when did she start having sex? The earlier you start, the more partners you’re likely to have, because we all know adolescent relationships have short life spans.

How many boyfriends did she have? Were these all committed relationships or short-lived flings? The answer to those questions would influence my response to her number. The same goes for whether or not she had a wild period of promiscuity in her youth and how long ago that was. If she’s only had two partners in the past three years then I can’t fault her (too much) for a wild past, because she’s shown that she’s slowed up and more importantly matured. But that’s just me, not everyone is as rational.

Now, is it wrong to lie about your number when someone asks? That kind of depends. I’m not an advocate of lying because if you start off a relationship by being dishonest; how can someone ever trust you? But at the same time, you don’t have to disclose personal information to someone you hardly know. Perhaps as things progress and look serious and if it’s that important for him to know you can reveal, but only if you want to. At the end of the day a man should be dating you for who you are not who you were.

For the record, having a high number of partners doesn’t make someone a whore, being a whore makes you a whore. Like I said earlier there are different variables that go into someone’s number that have to be considered. Some might say my number is high but I’ve been a non-virgin for over 18 years and spent a decade as a single man so that tends to put things into perspective for anyone that may initially raise their eyebrow. But if someone is giving blowjobs in alleyways and getting passed around at parties that’s when the whore title might be more applicable, but a “high” number alone wouldn’t determine one’s whoredom.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex, I’d hope that you do—otherwise what’s the point? The more important question is why you’re having sex and with whom. If you’ve had a lot of boyfriends cool, but you may want to analyze why your relationships don’t last. Are they only out for sex and once they get it they’re out. Or is your number high because you cheat or can’t commit? Those variables and how you’re having sex means more than how many people you’ve had sex with.

While it’s ideal to share yourself with people you care about, it’s your body and your sexual energy. I hope there is some sort of caring between you and whomever you choose to sleep with and you’re not just looking to validate yourself through men’s affection. Whatever you choose to do sexually I just ask that you continue to stay safe and protected. Safe sex is the best sex no matter how many partners you have.

Hopefully that helped.

How many partners are too much for you? Do you automatically disregard someone who has a high partner count without considering what variables went into that number? Do you think someone you’re dating seriously has a right to know how many people you’ve slept with? Would you lie about your number if asked? Why or why not? Would you feel hurt if someone dismissed you because of your past? Do you think there’s a double standard when it comes to an acceptable number of sexual partners for men vs. women? Do you agree that there’s more to being a whore than how many people you’ve slept with? Do you look at the number of people you’ve slept with and think it’s too high?

Speak your piece…


Tomorrow yours truly will be taking part in Human Intonation’s next HIV-awareness panel, alongside activist Maria Davis, spiritual leader Shawna Marie, and NAESM’s Craig Cobb. The topic this time is “Are You Sleeping With Claire Huxtable or Nicki Minaj?” Basically, an honest discussion to see whether people decide on whether or not to sleep with someone based on how they look and what health risks that line of thinking causes.

If you’re in New York, come join the conversation tomorrow Wednesday, February 23 @ Dwyer Cultural Center – 258 St. Nichols Ave. @ 123rd Street. Doors open @ 6, event starts at 6:30, wine reception afterwards. RSVP:

  • Rastaman

    I have only been with one person where the question of how many partners she may or not had was an issue of concern. Frankly I am not interested in being with a woman who is comparable to the local Mickey Ds. I am not interested in judging anyone’s personal choices but I am also not interested in being with a porn star, prostitute or stripper. We can be friends, I would even socialize with you but I am not looking to be your man/husband etc.

    I don’t as a rule ask women I am dating or interested in dating how many sex partners they have had. The only possible ways I envision that conversation being broached is if she brings it to the table or a third party is saying something that we need to clarify. As a part of that same rule, the number of my past sexual partners is generally not a topic of discussion. Those types of discussions have very little chance of ending well in my estimation because 9 out of 10 times somebody is going to be offended or hurt by the information.

    Everything in this life involves consequences and it is always important that young people understand that the things you do even when you are young will follow you for the rest of your life. People may forgive you for your actual or perceived transgressions but they will never forget. So be conscious of the choices you make and be aware that if you are not willing to stand up for your choices you may want to think about it before acting. As a woman it takes not much of an effort to get men to have sex with, analogous to me being profiled. All you have to do is show up and it will happen.

  • Amber

    What sucks is that its unfair for women to have more (10+) partners than men.

    Recently while at a bar for a an after work drink… me and one of my guy coworkers got into a conversation that led to the patrons around us getting invovled. I was shocked that the guys thought 5 partners was an appropriate number of sexual partners for a women to have!!! Not trying to tell all but I have girl friends whose numbers are in the 50s-60s (NOT ME; which is why I always thought my number was cool). I mean really 5 partners if a women is in her late twenties and starting having sex in high school??!!!

    In any case I would tell hot girl this…don’t tell your numbers and don’t ask a guy about his. Men try to act like they are cool about stuff but really they don’t want to know other men have been with thier woman.

    • AshCash

      I am sorry but I am a female and to me 5 is too many and 50-60 is just disgusting and pathetic. Some of your “girlfriends” are whores.

      • lady replying to prude

        You’re a prude. While I agree that 50-60 is whore-ish, I think you’re are crazy to think that 5 is too many. Sex is a fun and natural thing, when taken with precaution. How can anyone really enjoy sex with only 5 partners? Or really explore? Maybe you’re okay with being with one man for the rest of your life, but doesn’t mean other people have to think like you. If a woman wants more, than she should have it.

        • Ksjfdlk

          You’re an idiot. 

        • Shawn

          50-60 is sad, no wonder so many women are mentally unstable, emotionally wrecked and with issues.That/those women ‘joy-riding’ basically are individuals that care nothing about themselves, nor has a clue about god. 5 partners to a woman, still says no good!
           If she were in a relationship, a substantial one, and it ended, surely she will eventually move on. Other than that, she is promiscuous and loose. Women get interests easily, so once a wild child, always will be so………..
          You are quite low minded yourself and chances are, ‘sly’ too with what you are doing behind closed doors.


          • Maria Diana

            Yeah Shawn I’m sure it’s okay for you to have 50.  Or are you just pissed cause you barely get any?

            • chaz

              you are a whore with shit morals

        • Maxine

           LOL If you have to ask the question “How can anyone really enjoy sex with only 5 partners?” I truly pity you. I guess you can’t even wrap your head around the idea that someone could actually be  having hot, intense, kinky, uninhibited sex on a regular basis…just with the same person.You actually believe that those of us who are not out whoring our asses around to everyone in town must automatically be “prudes” who believe sex is unnatural, etc,  and cannot possible be truly enjoying sex with one person.  How very sad. 

          • pat

            Maxine, i think i love you! lol Where have you been!?

            • Fakefm62

              Wassup i just randomly came across this site bored but um im 15 and my girl friend is 14 she told me that she has had sex with “”5″” dudes oer the course of ONE year before she met me, oh and including the 19 YEAR old she fucked at 13…….. what do you think about that? and ive only had sex 3 three times, but shes had sex with those 5 guys multiple times.

              • No

                 She’s slutty.

                • Jen

                  Just stumbled onto this so I thought I’d throw in my two cents. I had a friend growing up who went through puberty at a very young age and was a “B-cup” by the third grade. Needless to say, she had to put up with a lot of shit being the only eight year old who looked like she was sixteen. Everyone was calling her a slut by the time she was 11 because she “looked the part.” Adolescence is a very hard time for anyone, and eventually she gave in to the stereotype (self fulfilling prophecy). She had sex for the first time at the age of twelve and had half a dozen partners before the age of 14 (we went to a really small school otherwise it might have been more). She was the classic problem child that always got in trouble at school and was in a constant power struggle with her mother.
                  Nine years later, we’re both twenty three now, she is a college graduate with a full time career in radiology, owns her own house, teaches swing dancing with her mother and is happily married to the guy she’s been dating for the past eight years. They just celebrated the birth of their first child and couldn’t be happier.
                  She is the most put together 23 year old I have ever met in my life and if anyone wants to call her a slut because of her past, well they can just go F##K themselves.

                  Also, you people are parents and you use the acronym LOL? We are adults, we have words, let’s use them.

      • Tammy1979newy

        shut up you moron, noone cares that ur a prude bitch, dont jundge people, you have no wright to say whats wright or wrong u probs just cant get none cuse ur aan ugly mole

      • huh..

        okay, let’s clarify something here.. a whore is someone who has sex for money, just because a woman has sex does not make her a whore.  if you’re being safe, if you’re not having sex with random people, if you’re having sex because you enjoy it… i don’t understand the problem here

        • Jen

          Our society uses many terms much too loosely. So true, sex is part of human nature, safety is pretty much the only thing that should set the standard in my opinion. And I guess since it takes two people, having a mutual understanding of the situation before it happens is pertinent as well.

      • M Hussain93

        call plz 09752750041

    • dfasdfa

      damn 50-60? i think that’s sexy hahaha let me get their numbers i’ll help them add some numbers lol.

    • guest

      Having sex for a woman is extremly easy, shorten the skirt and answering yes are the only things to do.they do not proof the girls is interesting, seducing, or sexy, just that she has a mini skirt and that she does not say no.
      For a man having sex, mean you are able to seduce a girl , you should be more intelligent, more athletic, more seducing, more…” brat pit” than other men
      It is a prood of value
      for a girl it is a proof of unability to say no!
      As long as girl do not try to rape every man wearing short pants, that will be the rule!

      • what’s the big deal?

        BAHAHAHA you’re an idiot. has it occurred to  you that this is no longer the 1950’s? as a woman, i can have you treat me to a nice dinner. if you’re not a total moron and reasonably attractive maybe i’ll get a few orgasms out of it too. then, i’ll never call you or respond your calls again. you wanna know why? because women don’t need men anymore, we take care of ourselves just fine thank you very much. i’m not going to commit to just any fucktard who thinks he’s brad pit, it takes something deeper than that. but shit, everyone likes to get laid,why not have some fun until i stumble into mister right?
        safe, smart, casual, fun sex. 

        get over yourselves.

        • Ldh2764

          You’re likely a slut.

        • Jessileee

          OMG I love you so much!!! lolol amen sista, amen

        • GuestMe

          This is .. a slut.

      • SoNotaPrude

         Exactly.  It shows that a woman is not picky about what type of guy she lets inside of her.  How is the guy she’s supposed to marry feel about that?

      • Jen

        I think it’s funny that you are judging women for not being able to say no. When has a man ever been able to say no? I mean, come on. We are all sexual beings, we all have sexual drives. I think the thing we should be considering here is standards. What kind of girls are you walking up to? I take sex fairly casually but I would never just bang a guy because he came up to me in a bar. Not all women who have slept with multiple people lack the ability to say no. It is a very modern world we live in, one where women have every right to make the same decisions that a man would. I’m not standing around waiting for the guy to choose me, I make the decision on who I say yes to, not him.
        However, I am going to judge a man for having too many sexual partners. Most men lack respectable standards and will sleep with any girl at the bar who “doesn’t say no.” I like a guy who keeps to a higher specification, if I find out you took home three different girls last week then your chances of “scoring” with me are absolutely zilch.
        On a side note, it’s hard for me to
        take you seriously when you can’t even utilize built-in spell check. I’m pretty
        sure English class is a requirement for high-school graduation.
        However, if English isn’t your first language I can obviously understand.

    • AllKnowing

      I think everyone here proved you right. Don’t tell a man your number. Honestly mine is not high at all and I could care less if it was. I fall in love with someone and want to share it with them… But when I was younger I was more unstable… and a little bit more of a wild child. I think I changed… Some won’t… 

      50 or 60 is like 3 men per year for 12 years…. I don’t think that is SO CRAZY! I mean… granted I am not near that number but why judge that girl… Let her live her life. How many men have hit triple digits and gotten a pat on the back for that?! 

      • Normal Guy

        50 or 60 is like 5 or 6 partners per-year for 10 years.  6 new partners per-year?  A new one every 2 months for 10 years?!  
        Forget how American society views promiscuity, and think about basic personal health.  Condoms are NOT proof against STDs or pregnancy (check the Wikipedia pages on contraceptives/condoms).  Following “safe-sex” practices doesn’t mean just using a condom.  
        Do these types of people really pay for an STD test after every partner (every two months)?  I doubt it.  But supposing they do, will they explain their test results to the last few (strangers) they slept with?  Seems unlikely.  They’ve now endangered those around themselves, and only because they’re irresponsible or ignorant of the risks.Many STDs don’t show up on standard tests for 1-12 months after contraction, but can be passed on during that time.  Other STDs may never show symptoms, but can damage who they get passed on to (think broken testicles/ovaries, cancer).  A good friend of mine contracted Herpes from his first sexual experience *** while using a condom ***.  My point is, whether these numbers are considered “high” or “low” by societal standards is moot. These numbers are HIGH from a sexual health perspective, and these practices are exactly why everyone knows someone with a life-long STD.I agree that numbers alone shouldn’t be the sole determinant of one’s “sluttiness”.  What’s important is how often you move on to new partners, and whether you respect these relative strangers enough to reduce health risks before each one.  If you needlessly endanger those around you – whether as a bad driver or a sexually uninformed idiot – I’d say that’s grounds for being called a whole host of nasty names, “slut” among them.Just for reference (and since it matters to so many on this forum), I’m 27, male, have been sexually active since I was 15, and have slept with 11 women in my life.  3 of those were relationships that lasted over 2 years each, and 3 were what I would consider 1-night-stands.  With these numbers I’ve had almost non-stop, phenomenal sex for 12 years, with less than 1 person/year on average.  

  • Lyndon

    The “virtuous woman” thing is a myth. Shit… Even Mother Theresa was a prostitute at one point, and both Oprah and Maya Angelou used to get it in back in the day.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if women had MORE sex than men. It wouldnt be hard to do.

    • Harvette Ellington

      I was told that a woman have just as many sex partners or more than men, I feel that if you can’t stay a virgin the rest of your life try keep it in the single digits.  The people who have the nastiest dispositions are promiscious male or female from what I have seen.  Now if you are violated you can’t help that but we are not speaking of that obviously.

  • Preachthetruthteller

    damn are they still warranty at that point

  • Preachthetruthteller

    See this is when I don’t think a double standard is that bad…I’m not dealing with no woman who partner number looks like the score at the Allstar Game.
    I’m not judging her but i believe in soul ties from intimacy. I don’t wanna be with someone who is soul tied to half of Charlotte.

    • Maria Diana

      But it’s okay if your soul is tied to half of Charlotte right?

      • Knah Ydoom

        No it wouldn’t be okay, but I ask you: would you consider a serious relationship with/accept a man as a boyfriend, defacto partner or husband if he revealed to you (and wasn’t exaggerating like most guys do but was actually telling the truth) that he’s gone down on 15 women that weren’t his partners, and slept with 60 women all up? Why do women find it so hard to accept the fact that if you’re under 25 and you’ve had sex with more than 20 partners, while it doesn’t make you a slut or a whore, most men won’t consider you serious relationship/marriage material?

  • MsShaniNicole

    RT @NakedWithSocks: Sleeping with a lot of people doesn’t make you a whore, being a whore makes you a whore… …

  • peter parker

    i don’t see the point in actually asking. 9/10 you’re gonna get lied to, and if you get the truth, one’s ego will get in the way.

    so long as you’re clean, and you aren’t screwing dudes on the low…it’s whatever. *shrug*

  • da ThRONe

    Numbers aren’t as important as the person. Ever journey will be the same for everybody. Some people have to wild out to find themselves. I think the key thing is being safe each and every time.

    I don’t buy into double standards. I will advise my son to wait just as much as I would my daughter.

  • Chrissy

    IMO if someone ask you about your number it is most likely important to that person. They might want to date soemone whose values are similar to their’s and a person who has a high count is not that person. Instead of lying it’s just better to say you dont want to give that information up and let that person decide.

    I dont know what is too high or anything but Im more interested in how the numbers came about. But then that would mean people would have to tell truth….and when it comes to sex that’s not going to happen.

    I have a question though, if it is okay for someone to have sex with a whole lot of people then why is cheating such a big deal in relationships? I mean it doesn’t make sense to expect fidelity from a person who has sex with a lot of people. I also do not understand why open relationships are looked down upon. A lot of people say they dont want to share, but they have already been sharing the person they were with long ago. Maybe someone could help me out?

    • CraZyGirL

      A relationship is between 2 people and they should both be expected not to cheat! It doesn’t matter how many people someone has been with, when you commit to someone you should be faithful to that person and let the mistakes of both pasts go. No one is perfect. If we were we would all have only been with one person and married to them before we had sex. Everyone’s life is different and they do things and deal with things differently.

  • Belve10

    Opposing view.. I don’t want a chick who hasn’t had any real world experience when it comes to sex. I know I am of the minority view on that one but I was married to a “less than a handful” count and while teaching and watching her learn had its advantages if also made things boring. This also came into play later in the relationship as her sexual appetite was no where near mine.

    My advice.. don’t ask for the guys number and don’t tell yours. If asked, judge carefully because a man that asks that question is usually going to have a fragile ego.

  • JC

    I generally don’t ask because I really don’t care. Yes a persons past will shape them into who I come across but it is in their past. Why should it bother me?

    I am one of those women that sees nothing wrong with experiencing sex and all the joy that comes from it and that is saying a lot because I had a very rough start and had to learn to like sex. And all I will say is…practice makes perfect ;-)
    In all seriousness when I meet a man and I am interested in getting to know him I am more curious about his last relationship and why it ended and what he learned than how many people in total he has had sex with.

  • ms.virgo

    When I was in h.s I went through my phase of promiscuity but now that I’m older I keep a don’t ask don’t tell policy and even if someone does ask it’s none of their gosh darn business.
    To homegirl YOUR number is YOUR number if you need validation for what you’re doing maybe you shouldn’t be doing it

  • ms.virgo

    Wait people who had multiple sexual partners can’t be faithful? That’s a bunch of bs
    Cheating is an act of dishonesty and disloyalty it has nothing to do with anything a person had going on in the PAST!

    • Harvette Ellington

      I think that is a way for an amoral person to point the finger.  Just because you haven’t had many sex partners doesn’t make you innocent or good.

  • MonaLisa

    I learned the hard way about disclosing my number. A few years ago I was involved with a guy that I had been involved with from high school. In high school I was a good girl and half a virgin when we were together, so for him to find out that I had recently been gettin it in made him see me differently. We continued with our relationship but I will never know how my telling him effected us.
    Your number shouldn’t be important to the person that you are seeing unless you are out being a whoremonger at that present time. As long as your promiscuous ways are in the past, you grew from it, and you are STD free, than it should be of no concern to your currentt partner. My past helped shape the person that I am today (who would we all be w/o life experiences?) but I am not my past.

    • No

       I always loved the argument that having sex with lots of men in the past has made you the person the great person you are today.  Not true.

  • Lyndon

    Her questions made PLENTY sense to me. Although I think men and women’s number of partners reach foolishness numbers for different reasons, the bottom line is promiscuityl is at the root a lack of self discipline and value.

    Who are you more inclined to trust? Be real

  • Silly Me

    This is ridiculous. If he has a problem with the number of men she slept with he should NOT ask. Point blank period. None of his b.i. Secondly, what does are you sleeping with Claire or Nicki mean?? Makes no sense. Apples & Oranges, not even same generation, and is it supposed to be a metaphor for wife material vs promiscuous chic?

    • Trustyercape

      you are an idiot. Point blank period? if people are honest with each other everything is that persons business. i have slept with countless whores,sluts,tramps,local targets and doorknobs and ill sit here and say that i have regretted all of em. They conspired with me to use em like the rag in the bottom of a teenage boys closet that he gets a nut on.but now i have fallen for one of my oldest friends who happens to be one of those rags that me and my friends used and it is making me crazy. i love her and despise her ans the only reason i still see her isnt because i love her-she is the only person ive ever loved and im almost 40,and ive also screwed every bitch that would stand still for 8 minutes within 150 miles-im still here cus i dont want her to feel the way i do about her past. ive screwed her stepsister,got a bj from her other stepsister,shes slept eith both of my sisters exes and anyone else in town that had a bottle of whiskey r a dose of meth and some how i love her,i think i must,but she makes me sick too. im as dirty as she is,still yet i despise her en