I randomly stumbled upon your blog and I love it even though most entries are for an older age group ’cause I’m 19 and a sophomore in college. I’ve had many sexual partners and compared to my friends my number is larger than theirs. I always practice safe sex and get tested but I’m scared that in the future a guy won’t marry me because of my number.
My question is: How many sexual partners should a woman have in their lifetime? Is it okay for guys to have a large number but not girls? Also, is it wrong to lie about your number when someone asks? And if your number is high does it mean you are a whore?
I enjoy sex but yet I find myself needing some type of advice or validation about it being okay to have sex with as many sexual partners as I want. Hopefully you can give me some advice on this topic. Thanks!
Dear Hot Girl,
Deep question(s) but it ties in to the panel discussion I’m having tomorrow night (hint, hint) about whether men view “Claire Huxtable” and “Nicki Minaj” women differently in terms of the sexual habits and HIV status. Information is at the bottom of this post, but I digress…
As far as your question about how many partners should a woman have in a lifetime; there’s no universal answer. It depends on the individual, who her future husband is and what the general attitudes are in the culture she’s living in. For argument’s sake, let’s assume it’s American culture, which generally looks down on women with too many (which is relative) partners, while men are praised for having a lot of sexual conquests. Is it fair? Hell no, but it’s par for the course based on the culture.
While I’m raised in this same culture I also understand there are different variables to consider. If a woman is in her mid 20s and already has 30+ partners I’m definitely going to give her the side-eye but I’ll also have some questions before casting her to the side. Like, when did she start having sex? The earlier you start, the more partners you’re likely to have, because we all know adolescent relationships have short life spans.
How many boyfriends did she have? Were these all committed relationships or short-lived flings? The answer to those questions would influence my response to her number. The same goes for whether or not she had a wild period of promiscuity in her youth and how long ago that was. If she’s only had two partners in the past three years then I can’t fault her (too much) for a wild past, because she’s shown that she’s slowed up and more importantly matured. But that’s just me, not everyone is as rational.
Now, is it wrong to lie about your number when someone asks? That kind of depends. I’m not an advocate of lying because if you start off a relationship by being dishonest; how can someone ever trust you? But at the same time, you don’t have to disclose personal information to someone you hardly know. Perhaps as things progress and look serious and if it’s that important for him to know you can reveal, but only if you want to. At the end of the day a man should be dating you for who you are not who you were.
For the record, having a high number of partners doesn’t make someone a whore, being a whore makes you a whore. Like I said earlier there are different variables that go into someone’s number that have to be considered. Some might say my number is high but I’ve been a non-virgin for over 18 years and spent a decade as a single man so that tends to put things into perspective for anyone that may initially raise their eyebrow. But if someone is giving blowjobs in alleyways and getting passed around at parties that’s when the whore title might be more applicable, but a “high” number alone wouldn’t determine one’s whoredom.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex, I’d hope that you do—otherwise what’s the point? The more important question is why you’re having sex and with whom. If you’ve had a lot of boyfriends cool, but you may want to analyze why your relationships don’t last. Are they only out for sex and once they get it they’re out. Or is your number high because you cheat or can’t commit? Those variables and how you’re having sex means more than how many people you’ve had sex with.
While it’s ideal to share yourself with people you care about, it’s your body and your sexual energy. I hope there is some sort of caring between you and whomever you choose to sleep with and you’re not just looking to validate yourself through men’s affection. Whatever you choose to do sexually I just ask that you continue to stay safe and protected. Safe sex is the best sex no matter how many partners you have.
Hopefully that helped.
How many partners are too much for you? Do you automatically disregard someone who has a high partner count without considering what variables went into that number? Do you think someone you’re dating seriously has a right to know how many people you’ve slept with? Would you lie about your number if asked? Why or why not? Would you feel hurt if someone dismissed you because of your past? Do you think there’s a double standard when it comes to an acceptable number of sexual partners for men vs. women? Do you agree that there’s more to being a whore than how many people you’ve slept with? Do you look at the number of people you’ve slept with and think it’s too high?
Speak your piece…
Tomorrow yours truly will be taking part in Human Intonation’s next HIV-awareness panel, alongside activist Maria Davis, spiritual leader Shawna Marie, and NAESM’s Craig Cobb. The topic this time is “Are You Sleeping With Claire Huxtable or Nicki Minaj?” Basically, an honest discussion to see whether people decide on whether or not to sleep with someone based on how they look and what health risks that line of thinking causes.
If you’re in New York, come join the conversation tomorrow Wednesday, February 23 @ Dwyer Cultural Center – 258 St. Nichols Ave. @ 123rd Street. Doors open @ 6, event starts at 6:30, wine reception afterwards. RSVP: firstname.lastname@example.org