I Object to My Best Friend’s Wedding (Hating or Helping)

Dear NWSO,

Someone who claimed to be my best friend began dating this guy that recently moved to our state. Of course when moving to a new place, things aren't just going to fall into your lap, i.e. jobs, a place to live, etc. Slowly, though, I began to notice that he was living off of her. Every time we went out she was paying for his meals, buying him things, generally taking care of him as if she was his mother. At first, I said nothing because who am I to judge a woman for taking care of her man.

After a few months, I brought it up and she took offense saying that I've spent insane amounts of money on my boyfriend, citing how I bought my boyfriend a PS3 for Christmas. I retaliated that he bought me a Coach purse, so in retrospect, he paid me back (though I didn't expect him to). And yes, I may help him with a phone bill here and there, treated him to a meal or three but I haven't dedicated my paycheck to his well-being as he has a job and ambition.

Anyway, a few weeks ago she tells me she's getting married to this guy, who, eight months later is still jobless. I'm all for being a "supportive" best friend and whatnot until she says they're getting married in two weeks. My reaction, "OH!" Couldn't say much more, since I was at work. A week later the subject arises again. She asks me if I will come to her bachelorette party to which I responded that I had to work. She asked about me coming to support her marriage and I provided the same response. (I work on the weekends and that's no surprise to anyone who knows me. I'm a college student, weekends don't exist).

She then asked me if I didn't support her getting married to her boyfriend. I said, "No. Mainly because it feels rushed. You have no place to stay because you both just got kicked out of YOUR parents' house. I think you guys should get married, just not right now. When you are settled, with a solid place to stay and you have saved some money up THEN you should do what it do." Needless to say, she reacted negatively saying I was a bad friend, calling me all types of fake for not supporting her getting married to someone who can't even take care of themselves, but I digress.

I don't understand why she would ask of my opinion and then get mad at me for MY opinion. YOU asked the question, which I didn't even want to answer, I might add. At the end of the conversation she said that she sees what’s up between me and her and how I'm not a true best friend for being unsupportive and how she's not talking to me anymore as I am her ex-friend. I laughed in response and told her that there was no business between her and me if that's how she's going to react to honesty—I refuse to lie to you.

In so many words, that was the end of our friendship. I deleted her out of my phone as if I was deleting her from ever existing. I wasn't mad at her, I just think it was a stupid decision. Anyway I'd just like an opinion on the situation that isn't totally biased.

Dear Maid of (Dis)Honor

This whole things sounds like one big messy affair. Not that I think you're wrong but this is a case of where you let grown folks do what they want. If you're ex-friend is happy with this guy she met online and has no problem spending money on him that's on her. What comes out of her pocket doesn't concern you. She's grown and can make her own decisions (mistakes included). Just mind your business, keep your criticisms (which is different from opinions) to yourself and be there in the event that things fall apart to lend a supportive hand or ear.

Should you be concerned or look at the situation with a side-eye? Of course, but it's not your place to give an analysis of someone else's relationship. More than likely that's just going to result in exactly what happened: Someone being defensive. Think about it; no one wants to get called out for looking like Boo Boo the Fool and if she's "in love" she ain't going to see things from any other perspective other than her own until the lust smoke clears. Any criticism is going to get perceived as hatin'. At the end of the day if she likes it (her relationship), you should love it—even if you don't agree with it.

Now as for the whole two-week wedding thing, that's another side-eye-inducing factor. Just like Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom got married after only a few weeks of dating, my question is the same as yours: Why so soon? Like, what's the rush? Since marriage is a lifetime commitment and is way more complicated than just dating, actually questioning your friend is only right, IMHO. Being that she hardly knows the guy it’s only right that you would be concerned. But if after questioning the reasoning (politely), she still sticks to her decision you can either love it or hate it.

Regardless of your opinion, your ex-friend is going to expect her best friend to support her. I mean, most women look forward to their wedding day forever and look for everyone to be as excited for them as they are, so to get a negative response from your closest friend can hurt (think of it from her perspective). I can't tell you how to feel or think, but if I were in your shoes I would have expressed my concern(s) and kept it moving with a congratulations.

As far as not making it, if you can't you can't it is hella short notice. Perhaps an alternative is a separate girl's night out before or after the wedding when schedules coincide or maybe tag along with her on one of her bridal shopping errand runs (or whatever) if you have free time. But again if she knows you can't make it on such short notice, as I'm sure a lot of people can't, she should understand that but that probably just added on to the initial hurt of you questioning her marriage. So not only are you "hating" you're not even going to be there when she may have even wanted you as the maid of honor.

With all that, I'm not saying you should have lied because that would be fake but maybe it's how you expressed your truth that rubbed her the wrong way. Again, think of it from her perspective; she's super happy and you're unintentionally raining on her parade.

Is husband-to-be using her? Quite possibly but that's for her to realize and recognize. You admit you don't know him and the full dynamics of their relationship just like she didn't know the back-story to the PS3 situation with your man so maybe it's not a one-sided take-take relationship on his part and he actually contributes in other ways that you've never seen. Clearly she sees something in him and since she's the one that’s going to be with him forever it doesn't really matter if you don't see it.

Hopefully, all of this works out for the best. Even though you don't like him or the situation; if you truly care about your friend I'm sure you'd want to see her happy even if it's a guy you don't like that makes her happy.

Let's get off him for a second and focus on what's really important—you. I know how you feel about the situation but how do you feel about losing your friend? Is a difference in opinion on who she dates/marries a reason to throw away years of friendship? If so, then y'all were destined to fall out eventually anyway. But if you can look back now with open eyes and see that this is someone you'll miss in your life, perhaps you can be the bigger person and make the step to reconciliation. You don't have to like her BF but if you want to keep her as a friend you'll have to accept him for as long as he's in her life.

Hope that helped and good luck.

What do you think of this situation? Is she right to be concerned about her friend getting married so quickly? Should she have kept her opinions to herself or as a friend it was her duty to raise her concerns? Did the friend overreact to her honesty? From what you read do you think the boyfriend/fiancé is playing her? Would you support the wedding of a friend who was with someone you hated? What would you do if your best friend interrupted your wedding ceremony and objected to the marriage? Could you ever forgive someone for ruining your special day? Should this woman apologize to her friend for being too honest? What additional advice would you give her on this situation?

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