5-and-a-Half Things a Lady Should Never Do In Front a Man

1 Posted by - March 13, 2011 - Uncategorized

[dc]T[/dc]he key word here is lady. While having a pair of X chromosomes may define someone as a woman or “female,” a lady that does not make. Maybe I’m old school but there are certain behaviors I find unappealing in the opposite sex—at least ones that I’d like to pursue. So today I’ve crafted five-and-a-half things a lady should never do in front a man.

I’m sorry but every time I see a woman on the street spit it makes me go limp. While there are some women with a little less couth that you kind of expect that sort of behavior from that still doesn’t make it acceptable. It’s even worse when it’s a “dime.” Imagine seeing Halle Berry in person only to have her hock a lougie on the street. Eww. One of People magazine’s sexiest women alive my ass. Get a tissue and keep it moving.

There was a time when I convinced myself that women just don’t poop, all they do in the bathroom is tinkle. Deep down I knew they did No. 2’s but I never ever wanted to think about it. I mean I look at booties all day in a sexual way, the last thing I want to picture is a big log coming out of that pretty round mound that’s been driving’ me wild.  But sadly after living with a woman on two separate occasions my fantasy world where women don’t take massive dumps was crushed. Ladies, please let’s leave something to the imagination by just let us men folk believe the reason you’re in the bathroom so long is because you’re doing your makeup. Remember, the Febreeze is under the sink and the courtesy flush is appreciated.

Okay, there are some circumstances where four-letter words are acceptable (some one steps on your foot, the throes of passion, etc.) but a woman that swears like a sailor is unladylike. Call me a snob but I try to limit my usage of profanity and there’s a time and place for everything, but if every other word is a MF this and F that, or the n-word accents your every sentence, then you’re losing major brownie points with me. There’s a dictionary’s worth of words in the world let’s not let so many go to waste. Also, always remember a thesaurus is not a dinosaur it’s your friend.

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  • CharlotteJ

    So, basically, it is unladylike to be human?

    • Jhbsksvs

      Not every human smokes

    • Andrew1989

      no, just intentionally doing it to be “funny” or whatnot. No one is saying to just plain old “not” do it, but just to keep those kind of things private and to themselves.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Just save some things for after you get the ring. LOL

  • YeYo

    I do all of it. You sound young son…

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    34 years young to be exact and these things still turn me off in the getting to know you stage. If we’re shacked up some stuff will fade, EXCEPT for the smoking. But some of the aforementioned does whittle away at “sexy”. #Sorry

  • YeYo

    U sound kinda uptight. Good luck with finding a woman that doesn’t poop, fart or burp etc.

    • 66wow99

      dear, you’re a nasty talker. go away.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    In my presence? I’ve done GREAT thus far.

  • YeYo

    In your presence? Huh? Good for you! This list can’t possibly be what a grown thinks about & again you should like 1 of those freaky uptight my socks don’t match & now the world is over!! Relax and inhale my cigarette smoke ..

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Lost me in that second to last sentence must have been all the smoke blurring your screen LOL. jk I am relaxed.

    I’ll just wait for the fellas to wake up and either co-sign or dispute my nifty lil list.

    Where’s your additions or female version? Sharing is caring

  • R.e.D

    This list is pretty cave-man mentality right here. No wonder women go around pretending.

    Now I don’t do any of these things on purpose in front of men, but I hate being with a man that I have to hold in my being human. I thank God everyday that I ‘look’ ultra-feminine b/c in reality, I’m not a prissy woman AT ALL. You see, I grew up with 3 brothers, one of whom was extremely nasty, lol. He farted in my face-intentionally and snorted mucous on me-intentionally, all the time. It disgusted me as a child, but honestly I got so used to it that nothing bothers me as an adult. From men, I am fine with your razor bumps- I even take out the ingrown hairs, I am fine with you being bald, your dandruff-that I willingly scrape, your ear wax and your nose hair. I know you take dumps-in fact I had an ex that announced when he was going to do it.

    So why can I not fart-occasionally? Why do I have to pretend to be putting on make-up?? No I’m not going to leave the door open, or fart in your face-that’s nasty, but really you want me over, you spend the night at my place, but you don’t want me to poop?? I go twice a day and I’ll be damned if I have to constantly hold it in for someone. I only do this in the beginning when I am uncomfortable with you. So you should be happy when a woman hits this comfort level. What amazes the hell out of me is that this is coming from a man who wants a woman to be completely sexually free with him-even if he isn’t in a relationship with her and just having casual sex, but this same man doesn’t want her to be free enough to fart?? Really NWSO?? Sadly, I know many men that feel this same way and for me, THAT is a turn-off.

    I spit quite a bit, but even I find this nasty, so I dont just hawk, I spit very discretely. I usually don’t curse and no smoking ever. But basic, human functions?? C’mon…

  • Tiffany

    I cant burp either so its def good to know I have company :)

  • R.e.D

    Then your women need to stop pretending. What’s going to happen when you marry her? This is just so unrealistic. Like you living in a fantasy of what a woman represents…not actually the woman herself.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Like I wrote in the post I know some of this stuff happens, I passed human biology, just don’t want all this bodily functioning going on with someone I’m getting to know. It’s a turn off, in the two instances I referenced where I lived with a woman all the mystique was gone and in that scenario is fine but if I’m just hanging out with you for a few months/weeks and first time at your crib you’re farting? #CmonHon If you’re that free with your back door, what’s happening up in the front? Eww

  • YeYo

    I dont make lists. I take every man that comes my way on a case by case type of thing.. But here’s 1 I can’t tolerate

    Anyone like your type based on your list.. You sound like if you see a chipped nail polish on a woman then she’s not your type .. Smoke some weed .. Sounds like you need a hit or two.. Lol j/k

  • Tes

    NWSO isn’t saying anything that hasn’t been said at thousands of etiquette classes across the South at this very moment, however…c’mon son. We have to do all these things, SO many things by societal standards just to get a man (allegedly) and now we can’t even have the mini-burp? We can’t have a silent but deadly? I think after realizing that nobody is a Stepford wife/husband/significant other all that falls to the wayside, but to say it makes a person less attractive kind of rubs me wrong :\. First impression is one thing, but after you’ve seen me naked a few times I think I should be allowed to not be so pretentious.

    Spitting isn’t attractive for anybody. Usually I’ll slip in a “That’s SO damn attractive” if I pass by a guy who does it and they’ll just laugh and say they’re sorry and I never see them do it again.; To date I’ve only seen one woman spit and she dipped snuff so…

    I don’t think women should just not do things like poop and poot (we can’t stop it if we tried) but I do think you have to be comfortable with someone to do it in their presence. I’d say about the time a person has sex with you is the time you can pop a squat over their toilet. You’ve already shared everything else so…

    I don’t think excessive cursing is a sign of less education, but a lack of creativity and that does not butter my biscuit.

    And yes, it’s very weird that you say you don’t burp.

  • ArmyProud

    All of the posts here seem to be about what women need to do to please men or what not to do to upset them.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    While it may be hard to believe, there’s nothing on the list that I myself would do. I don’t spit on the street at random and truly don’t understand what’s going on with people’s system that requires them to on the regular, I don’t smoke, I can’t burp, like I said I limit my cursing and use of the N-word, and I truly only feel comfortable poopin’ at my own home or a hotel that is all my own. I remember staying at my cousin’s house for a weekend and coming home early because I refused to do a No. 2 over there. The only times I would be right before a shower so the steam would mask the funk. The only one I’ll cop to is farting BUT I have to be super in love with you to break wind in your presence. So if it’s caveman to expect someone to live up to the exact same standard you have for your mate then pass me a club I need to hit a few more cave girls over the head.

    • http://tastethethoughts.webs.com Tasty Thoughts

      uhm….well….i know i am MAD late…but im just reading this post and well….ur a bit uptight….end of subject… doesn’t mean u need to sit here and apologetic to us. fuck u care…opps i cursed..sorry…but i what im saying really though is this….if your list has not stopped you from getting ass….get it….it just means that it wouldn’t be my ass you were getting and thats fine with me…and u know what vice versa cause im sure if i was to sit and think of a list of things i dont think men should do….i could and u would be checked off….my problem i guess is other people….people get over it…jeese….like i said…it just means u wont be suckin on NWSO’s dick…#thatisall. great site btw…i hope mine gets to be as popular in the coming months. 

  • Distinguished Gentlewoman

    …Ha. And then you woke up.

    Do you find it odd that I can’t burp?
    Nope. I can’t either. I thought I was the only one.

  • Kamaya

    U don’t burp?? U must fart a lot!!!! After 3 yrs of off n on dating my bf. He’s nvr heard me pass gas!! I burp a lot bcuz i chew gum.. It’s nvr loud n obnoxious tho.. Smoking eww agreed! He smokes nasty ass blacks n tries to get me to take a puff! N kisses me with that nasty taste! Ugh I used to date a guy who announced when he was gonna #2!! I find that weird! Like everybody does it honey & ecerybodys stink!

  • Kamaya

    & my bf will sit in the bathroom while I use it! Lol! He has to leave when I wipe tho.. Lol..certain stuff im comfortable enough to do around him! Shucks if I’m telling him I love him I should b able to do certain things around him..

  • giventhebest

    Nothing annoys me more, and I find unlady-like is a loud woman. Other women find it annoying and men find it to a turn off. But there’s always that one chick who can’t control the volume of her voice and she’s loud/ obnoxious for no other reason than to be noticed.

  • keisha brown

    is this someone you are trying to get to know like – whats your name and on a first date get to know or you’ve already smanged with..cuz um.. if you can handle being up in her walls, she should be able to have gas. it’s dangerous to hold that stuff in.
    this post is..interesting.

    im not going to get indignant, because i understand what you are saying, and it could be argued that a gentleman shouldn’t do any of these things in front of someone you aren’t married to/in a committed relationship with either.

    but if you are going to reject me/consider my unladylike for things somewhat out of my control (bodily functions) vs things within it (smoking/swearing), than that seems a little bit off/unfair/slightly ridiculous, but to each their own!

    can i also say, that it contributes to the theory that supposedly irritates men the most, that we aren’t our true selves with you up front and then become different people once we’ve ‘secured’ you?

    food for thought…

  • giventhebest

    Oo lawd I forgot one. picking food from between her teeth at the dinner table.

  • http://preachthetruthteller.blogspot.com preachthetruthteller

    I got to back NWSO on this one… some stuff save for later on..Had a girl on a first date blow her nose and show it to me cuz there was blood in it… By the time the movie started I already knew this was our last date ever….. sorry ladies…some stuff needs to be AFTER we are hooked not before

    • Osirius

      Agreed. I had a girl burp in my presence even before I ever spoke to her. Completely made me decide not even approach. lol

  • http://preachthetruthteller.blogspot.com preachthetruthteller

    well….for a grown woman her nail polish/color shouldnt look like a 8th graders after recess…

  • TiffanyValentineRay

    1. Do you hate to see people spit on the street or make that hacking sound to bring up the phlegm? —> Yes! I think that this is absolutely disgusting, however, I rarely see (or hear) women doing this … I mostly see men doing it.
    2. Are there times when it’s acceptable? —> No! That’s what tissue is for … && not only is spitting on the ground disgusting … it’s also inconsiderate && unsanitary. I’ve seen unaware people step directly in spit too many times to count … nasty phlegm filled spit at that.
    3. Should women keep certain things like doing No. 2s and farting to themselves? —> No! Flatulence && bowel movements are natural && it can become painful to hold it in. Just do it responsibly … try to be as considerate as possible.
    4. When is it okay to take a dump at your lover’s house? —> I think it depends on the comfort level of the person coupled with the collective comfort level of both individuals.
    5. Would you hold it until you got home? —> I would, if I could. If I believe that I can make it home in time I usually opt to wait. I feel most comfortable using my own bathroom.
    6. How long does it take for you to feel comfortable taking a dump at your lover’s house? —> I dated a man for 3 years && never went at his place. I just never feel comfortable “going” in other people’s bathrooms.
    7. Am I the only guy that convinced himself that women don’t poop? —> Well the above mentioned man was convinced that I never pooped although I constantly assured him that I do. I just like to do it privately. No one needs to know when I’m doing it.
    8. Do you believe excessive cursing is a sign of less education? —> I think that profanity is a sign of a person with a limited vocabulary.
    9. Could you stay with someone that cursed excessively? —> No! I find swear words to be really harsh && disrespectful when used in excess.
    10. Do you find it odd that I can’t burp? Yes! However, many people find it odd that I’ve never vomited.
    11. What are your thoughts on this list of unladylike actions? —> I think that you should change the title of this post to “Things Women Do That Turn Me Off” && then you probably wouldn’t get so much slack … people might be more accepting of it because it’s a personal statement as opposed to a general statement.
    12. What other actions would you say are “unladylike” that I missed?” —> I don’t think that I feel comfortable compiling a list of things personally deemed “unladylike” … I think that we should all try to be more considerate of others and realize that our personal choices, i.e. smoking, cursing, spitting, etc. can affect others.

  • thethrill

    Let the church say, Amen. Bodily functions are uncontrollable but there’s a degree of class that goes along with everything. Announcing you have to take a dump is not sexy; slide to the bathroom, handle your handle, spray, make sure everything is flushed and leave me w the cushy visual that my girl is a lady. With that said, hearing the rumbling of your gas leaving your ass while we’re hugged up on the couch watching a movie is not sexy either. We have DVR, I could pause the show/movie while you excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. Smoking and cursing, however, are controllable but I’m good on those as well because it’s not feminine (or, what my idea of feminine is).

    As a man, I do gentleman things and therefore appreciate a female who acts as a lady, which, has nothing to do w thinking or acting like a man. And, honestly, a lady should frown her face at the thought females would do such things in this list so brazenly.

  • Garfield

    I’ve never understood why men will laugh at these same things if they are done by a man, but thinks it’s an abomination if a woman does them.

  • Rastaman

    I understand the motivation behind this list because apparently being in a happy relationship or being in love requires a certain level of delusion. But I always feel delusion is a lot like being high, when you sober up it just feels worse than you remember. I am big on keeping it real and I really don’t want to hold any illusions about my woman especially where natural bodily functions are concerned. We are not going to sit around having discussions about our habits but I got no issues with her bowel movements or expulsions of gas. They are natural, normal and required to be healthy.

    Excessive cursing by anyone in my circle is never appreciated and neither is excessive spitting. I am no fan of smoking, it’s a turnoff for me, not only is it unhealthy I am damn sure not kissing no ashtray mouth. Plus who the hell is still picking up cigarette smoking these days, I get the same sense about a smoker as I do meeting someone who just started smoking crack, WTF you missed all the warnings.

    An aversion by some men to women’s bodily function I see as another aspect of our interaction that many still approach in an immature way. There are certain societies where finishing a meal with a burp is considered good manners. In some others cultures farting and spitting are as commonplace as coughing and sneezing. I am aware that this will probably not alter anyone’s views but considering how difficult relationships are why input added issues where they are not required.

    I found out recently that in Ancient Rome, they had public commodes similar to sitting on a park bench. So folks would sit and do their business publicly right next to a complete stranger. Imagine that the next time the idea of your SO taking a dump in your presence makes you unnerved.

  • Belve10


    I’m not saying do all that from the giddyup but their are lady-like ways to do those things. Your list is your list, but it sounds unrealistic to make it apply only to ladies. Your list could be turned around and expressed towards what is proper behavior for a gentleman.

    Your list should be re-titled as ‘Things People with Good Manners should Never Do in Front of Others’

  • Kaamna

    To this day, I have never commented on any of your posts NWSO..but I must say I am in complete agreement with you on this one! Come on ladies! Act like a lady, get treated like a lady. I mean who wants to end up with a bogan?!!! Seriously?

  • MonaLisa

    I can’t believe all these women that are getting bent out of shape over this post! Y’all act like he got the list displayed on his fridge or something. I would say that I agree with everything he stated because I also don’t do any of these things willingly and I expect the same from whatever man I’m with. And I what he was trying to say was moreso farting and burping purposely. I have a weak stomach and I can’t deal with any of the gross things on this list.

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    *rolls eyes*

    Anslem, you’re trippin’.

  • http://preachthetruthteller.blogspot.com/ Preachthetruthteller

    It’s the truth
    save something for later on
    burping, farting ,etc… All that is not attractive
    better yet
    How many men want to bring home Sarah Silverman?? Not too many
    be like that scene from don’t be a menace

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Thanx homie

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    Preach, you’re trippin’ too.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    That’s where people are assuming wrong. Of course this doesn’t relate to a longterm relationship in terms of never ever. When two folks live together (like I noted in the post) and/or been together for a long time so things on the list become part of the comfort zone of the relationship and might even be a sign of true love LOL. But still, at the root it is unladylike and ungentlemanly to do all of the above on purpose in the presence of ANYONE. Keep that to yourself as much as possible. Especially when you’re getting to know someone. Can we put at least a 6-month cap on the bodily functions? Thanks

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Kids laugh at it too…. coincidence?

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    sorry that title is/was too long #truestory :)

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    welcome to the board and out of the shadows. lol

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    And by the way, I curse like a sailor in appropriate circumstances. (I don’t use the N-word and, most times, the B-word). Think it’s uncouth? Tell that to the 3 pieces of paper I paid for. :-/

    *rolls eyes, cusses under breath*

  • hellifiknow

    Do you not want women who have periods either? Can’t say I blame you for that because if nlood came out of dicks, blow jobs would ne obsolete. Fuck that. Yup I curse,have bowel movements and have even been known to have the occasional cigarette when I drink. I’m grown homie. If you like me, you like me, if you don’t you don’t. Men try to control us with this what men like shit. Everyone is different. People wonder why relationships break up – a lot of times it’s because you hooked up with the representative, not the real person. I do hear you, though if you mean just being respectful of the other person. I don’t want you pulling scabs or clipping toenails in front of me either. But if you need to take a shit, even if I’m in the shower, fine. If I can’t handle it, I’ll get out. Yes, I’d like the choice and to retain some mystery but certain things can’t be helped. If you want a girl who doesn’t fart or shit, pick a vegan. Neither of those things shouls stink and they won’t when you eat a healthy diet.

  • hellifiknow

    Sorry 4 the typos – on mobile I can’t see easily see the full reply box.

  • http://Www.mysixcents.wordpress.com K. LySha

    You’re completely entitled to have your own list regardless of how sexist it is. But to be fair you should be sure to direct your ladyfriend to this post so she’s fully aware that if she wants to be in a relationship with you she must keep her humanness in check and continue to feed into the male delusions about women.

    Of course in the early stages its polite to keep all the unsavory parts of your humanness in check. But if we’re comfortable enough to do unspeakable acts in the bedroom together I should not have to run out of the room to burp. A dude who would expect such out of me is a turn off to me so I’d need to know about his issues up front so I don’t waste my time.

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    Oh NOOOO. Unspeakable acts in the bedroom? NOOOO. F—ing FEELS good. It’s not nasty. Because you can’t get STDs or anything like that. And you can’t get pregnant either. Because we all know how nasty the birthing process is. Gotta make sure that there’s no water breakage or urine or blood during the birthing process. It’s gotta be clean so we can make sure the menfolk are not grossed out.

    Let’s get ready for etiquette class, ladies! Pish posh, pip pip, off we go!

  • JC

    So according to NWSO I’m not lady like because I curse…sh*t sometimes situations in life call for a curse…and I do it like a sailor…when it is called for and in the appropriate environment
    Nature is what nature is…I’m not going to mess my body by holding back on farting or doing No.2 but I certainly won’t announce what I am doing. Are we not adults? Fantasy Island was just a TV show.

    Spitting…I really have not come across any women that do that…the only people I see doing it are men.

    I understand the smoking even as a smoker. But as for not looking lady like while I smoke…how much of a lady do women look like when they are drinking and get sloppy drunk? That one didn’t make the list…how sexy is a woman with glazed over eyes and slurred speech? I digress.

    Generally speaking the title should be “Things Women Do That Turn NWSO off and maybe some other men”…cause even though you would turn and walk away once you saw me with the “cancer stick” the guy right behind you might come up and ask me for a light.

  • Naomi

    Other than cursing, I don’t prefer to know about a man’s bodily functions, either. Smoking is definitely out of the question as well. Having said that, we’re all human and discretion is appreciated.
    I think another reader commented how many of these posts are about what women can do to make men happier (paraphrasing) and I agree. What’s up with that? Also, NWSO, you sound defensive. Why?

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    Just to qualify, I’m not by any means offended by this post. (Because we all know how much us wimminfolk get offended by stuff.) I do, however, find this list laughable at best and absurd at worst.

    If anything, what offends me is the constant barrage of articles & posts & conferences & meetings & prayer groups & seances and (insert any form of gathering here) that have proliferated in recent years about what women, especially Black women, need to do or not do to please men. That is what offends me. (And it’s not so much offensive as it is just tired.)

    See? I guess those 3 pieces of paper that I paid for actually worked. I speak & write like a proper lady. Let me kiss your ring, dear Sir & My Lord. *curtsies*


  • JC