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Would You Trade Places With Your Ex? (Ex to the Next)

Posted by NWSO • March 23, 2011 • Printer-friendly

I had lunch with an ex the other day. It was long overdue as there were some things I needed to get off my chest to achieve some closure. Both older and wiser, we apologized for things that were said, done and transpired over the course of our brief courtship. No one was more wrong than the other but it was good verbalizing things that had been left unsaid for far too long.

When it was all said and done, we left the table as reborn friends. During the course of the conversation, though, I realized something: She had hurt me. Pride won’t let me show it, but you never know what impact hearing the words, “I’m sorry,” can have, especially when they’re genuine.

The whole experience reminded me of a quote I once heard: “However your last relationship ends, you will be the other person in your next relationship."

Basically the above statement means that if you were the dominant figure in a relationship, you’ll play the passive one in the next. If you were the heartbreaker last time around, you’ll then become the heartbroken. Not sure who said it, but I've seen those words ring true. Not every time, but more than enough for me to give it some serious thought.

For instance, there was this one sister I dated for several months. She was a good woman that most would consider a great catch but for some reason or other (fear, doubt, stupidity... pick one) I felt something was “missing” and decided to end it. A few months later I found myself really feeling someone new. Things were going well, or so I thought, but as fate would have it she felt something was “missing” in me and she prematurely aborted our dealings with each other. In an instant I had traded places with my ex.

After picking my face (and heart) up I moved on and started hanging out with someone new. Although I thought she was cool, I wanted to take it slow like John Legend. She of course had other plans and tried to press for something more. Needless to say things didn't go exactly according to her plans. So once again the roles had flipped, switched and turned upside-down. In sequential dating experiences I went from the dumpee to the dumped. Crushed to crusher. And back again.

In my last technical "relationship," a five-year on-again-off-again debacle with no official commitment or logic, I had the proverbial upper hand. I wasn't looking for a relationship and didn't want one either. She didn't listen and pursued me nonetheless. Needless to say, after five years-and-some-change we finally got it right and ended it for good.

On the flipside of all that are my own Captain Save-A-Hoe tendencies. Because of this major personality flaw I've perpetually ignored the warnings of people not completely interested. It just goes to show you that no matter how good of a catch you may think you are that doesn’t mean the ones you’re into have to return that affection. But who am I to talk? I’ve done the same to a few good sisters my damn self over the years. Who knows why but as I always say: It is what it is, but it can always be better.

So if the above philosophy that we are destined to trade places with our exes in each new relationship holds true, I should prepare myself for another change, right? Problem is, I've lost track of where I am in the shuffle. I’m not sure if I am to be dumped or supposed to be doing the dumping next time. Doesn't really matter anyway, because sooner or later the odds will swing back in my favor or kick me in the ass again. Either way someone's going to feel the agony of defeat or the sweet joy of vengeance.

Such is life…

What’s your take on this philosophy of trading places between relationships? Have you found that after a bad breakup you are more prone to be the heartbreaker in your next relationship? Have you ever passed over someone that was a “good catch” because they were “missing” something in your eyes? Have you been the one overlooked in a similar situation? Could you appreciate an apology from an ex years after the fact? Looking back on your last few relationships, what was different or similar between them all? How important is timing in determining whether a relationship fails or succeeds? Are you usually the dumper or the dumpee?

Speak your piece…

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Tagged as: dumped, dumpee, heart broken, heartbreaker

Sasha

This is actually the first time I've heard of this philosophy but if it rings true then I'll be the cheater in my next relationship?!!....umm I think not...I'm a one man at a time kind of lady. I guess there is alwaay someone that can relate because I used to be the unintentional heartbreaker in my younger days just because I refused to get too close to anyone. Funny thing my ex continues to make contact with me and its been 3 years. As far as I am concerned there is nothing that needs to be said that wasn't said then...but we live and learn. Great post - I've been lurking for a few months finally decided to comment
Elle

While I get the point, I do not agree with the logic in my particular case. I'd NEVER dump somebody I am engaged to out of a mere change of heart. It's cruel, selfish and simply a bitch move.

Now what I am also not able to relate to is the need to get things of one's chest and talk to an old ex. I may have the need to talk when a breakup is fresh to be able to understand my role in it. But years later? Heck no. I couldn't care less about what anybody has to say to me after they showed me their ass years prior and I surely do not have anything to get off my chest. Just don't get it. But it appears rather selfish.
Krystal Light

Whaaaat? No Wet Wednesday on my BIRTHDAY?! *sad*

I don't guess I've ever really had a real, true ex so I can't comment on the actual post but as always I still enjoyed reading it.
ice jones

i think this theory more or less rings true to folks in the dating world and probably not as literal as you got cheated on/you will cheat. admittedly, when i first started reading the article, my first instinct was to disagree with your thesis until i realized it was pretty true. when i was cheated on by an ex a few years ago, i was the one to pull back from my rebound guy. more recently, after having my heart broken by the man i thought i'd marry, i now have a guy who i recently put on hold. i'm not vain or cocky enough to go so far as to say that i broke both of my rebound guys' hearts, they both expressed to me at different times that me not taking them seriously made them feel some kind of way. my question would be how to break that pattern/curse? i'd hate to get into the real deal holyfield and spend all my time worried about crappy karma
calijoy

I agree, but I don't think its as literal or temporal as you stated...well, not for me anyway. As the song says "everybody plays the fool..." A few years ago, I broke it off with the person I was dating because he just wasn't for me. Not a terrible person, but someone else's blessing as a friend put it. A couple years ago, as I was throwing out some old stuff from grad school, I came across a letter from a previous ex who dumped me. I read it and finally understood where he was coming from. I was so hurt when it was over and I was sure we were destined for marriage. However, though he had love for me, I just wasn't the one. I realized it was no knock on me, we just weren't compatible. It was quite liberating because I had been carrying around the "if I had just did XYZ, we'd still be together" burden. We can all improve, but understanding that it was compatibility and not some fatal flaw on my part was liberating.
JC

I can understand somewhat but I like to think of it as not so much a "karma" thing which is what I get from your post but more of lessons learned and that in order to learn you must apply.
My last painfully breakup happened because he felt I wasn't "the one". It took a while because he chose to tell me this fact in an f'ed up way but eventually I understood where he was coming from. So when I found myself in the next relationship feeling like my ex did I knew how to better express what my ex couldn't.

I don't want an apology from an ex years later. If you couldn't explain yourself then what good is it doing me years later. I found my own closure and moved on. I need the closure up front while it is fresh.

If something is "missing" and passed on someone that meant they weren't for me. They weren't a good fit...so no I don't regret ending things. What is deemed "good" for someone may not be "good" for me.

Usually I am the dumpee and I always (yes, always) have them wanting to come back because they realize what they failed to see once they had it...oh well.

I think timing has a lot to do with whether a relationship fails or succeeds. I met one guy in college. Fantastic guy that I wish I could locate and see how he is. He was going through some serious issues and the timing wasn't right. He needed to focus on himself. Then there have been times when the "timing isn't right" excuse was given because some didn't want to put the effort into making a relationship succeed.

My last two relationship (oddly not including the painfully) were built on this need for comfort. I needed a sense of stability. In hindsight I involved myself with two men that were good just not a good fit for me.
Preachthetruthteller

ivehIve done the post break up apology years later....it'd always a way to have stuff resolved...for me sometimes I can't articulate what I'm feeling at the time or might not understand it myself...plus we all change every 5 years so what might make sense at 22 does not at 27...
I don't think it's selfish
Ebere

Relationships are like that..the hurt of the past relationship will knowingly or unknowingly surface in the present relationship,it is called experiences we tend to incorporate what happened in the past to the present..but the key to it for me is to know when to leave those hurt behind and focus on the present...
Complexcity

Ughh.....this rings true...
Naomi

I wholeheartedly believe in karma. I know I’ve traded places with exes in the past and some of those trades have been blatant and some have been more round about and took a little more introspection to see what was really taking place. My last real relationship left me at the altar and while I would never be cowardly enough to do that to another person, I believe I have left some guys hanging with no explanation. Does it make it right? No, but now I have some insight as to why I did that. I just didn’t want to deal with their feelings or any questions that could arise.
Iv'e also been overlooked and done the overlooking because I felt someone was “missing” something even though I can’t express in words what that “something” was. He was a great guy and I actually think I broke his heart.
As far as apologies go, I believe if you don’t apologize at the time then why bother? Let sleeping dogs lie. Yes, time changes people and perspectives but an apology years later would make me angry. My life is great; I’ve moved forward, why are you coming back? I know apoplogies, more often than not, are for the person who did the huring and not the one hurt, but I believe in just letting it go.
Lonias

I think by coincidence, it probably rings true. I say "coincidence" because these happenings are really the result of something else. If you look at a breakup like a car wreck. After the wreck (fault isn't important here) you will "over-correct" the next time you are behind the wheel. You'll take that familiar intersection extra slow or double-check over your shoulder. After a breakup, we try to discern the part we played in the failure, and usually we over-correct. That puts us in a position to "trade places" with the ex.
terri

I just feeling like you're calling it now. I think that's more of Karma or something. Or maybe not. But either way that's in the past and hopefully instead of calling that into the future for you maybe you will call something better.
Rastaman

Relationship hang over, is what you are talking about. Unlike a regular hangover, the hair of the dog that bit you is not always a good remedy. Been there done that and I hoping to never do it again. I try to give myself at least 6 months between the end of one serious relationship and the beginning of another serious relationship. I determined that I need that much time at minimum to rehab my hurts, whether I want to acknowledge them or not. One of the few times I apologized to an ex was because I realized that I had treated her terribly because we became involved when I was not fully over the person I was involved with for 3+ years. I charged ahead not acknowledging my pain and it made me hurt someone else. Hurt people do hurt people.
I am not sure if I trade places between serious relationships. The last few have ended based on my decision to end it. I do not have a high tolerance for the back and forth and I made the decision sometime ago to not play the game. I present my concerns to the other person; some consider this an aggressive act. I disagree, I think we don’t do this enough and that is why so many of us prolong unhealthy attachments. People get defensive and think you are being hyper critical sometimes but I am just trying to understand. I am past “I love you” being the only reason to maintain a relationship. If we are not working as a couple or even meeting each other’s basic needs then we have a problem. I am at the point in my life where I know what I need, too many people I meet still needing to be trained up.
justme

How you end the last relationship will be how you begin the next relationship. WOW!!!! Absolutely the truth in my case. I left my last relationship as the victim and entered my current relationship as the victim. But I was mindful of my unresolved issues in the last relationship and I was able to work on those issues and fix them (still working on a few). Success in a relationship depends on many things, but two of the most important things are 1) are we both in this for the same thing (sex, possibly marriage, long term relationship) and 2) am I willing to remedy my issues from my past relationship for the sake of this relationship and even when I can not can you accept some of my issues until I get them fixed?
Biba

Good to be back reading your stuff after some time away, Anselm. This piece was really interesting and thought-provoking. I am currently like the girl in your five year debacle and am trying to cap mine at two and let it go for goood. I think that one's place in their next relationship is opposite of their last because they are trying so hard not to make the same mistakes.
http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com Marcia H.

That philosophy is so dead on it's a little bit scary... I have been the heartbreaker before but for some reason that was the ONE time I was! Every other "situation" I was the heartbroken. I have passed over a few good ones because they were "missin" something and regreted the decision once they got with someone else. *shurgs* Oh and I felt that I have been looked over plenty of times! (Poor them) I can appreciate an apology from an ex because I currently reached out to one to do the same thing!
jaclynsd

Man when i read that quote about being the other person you dated I was prob like most...DAYUM that's so true! In my last relationship, if one can call it that, we had our same back and forth of who was into it more than the other. When he was ready I wasnt and when I was finaly ready he eventually coward away. Although, I'm always honest w/my feelings I know I still hurt him, so I guess maybe because of his ego he had to do it back twice as bad, and although he never expressed it I know I hurt him too. In the end I let him go but emotionaly he had already done so. He became the dominant one and acted as though he could care less and wasnt going to commit or show any signs of doing so. Sad thing was he already knew I was very into him. Well that was exactly the way I treated my ex before him. I knew I wouldnt commit but still wanted him around so I gave him the run around and I had left the relationship emotionaly a while back. I used him and was very selfish. I guess the saying was right you get back exactly what you put out. I can admit it now that even in my hurt I probably got back what I deserved. So onto to the next and just like you said it is what it is. In my case it was what it was and now I must do better.
Older & Wiser

Out of curiousity, how old are you?
da ThRONe

This doesn't apply to me. I'm generally the same (for better or worst). Looking back I've only had a handful of meaningful relationships, but my role has been pretty consistent since I've grown up.
YeYo

I too believe in Karma.. and yes I been in the wrong and I have been wronged but to sit down with those people and talk about forgiveness and forgiving .. No I cant do it.. It ended for a reason.. lets keep it that way.
TigerLily

I think the question should really be "Have you " rather than "WOULD you" because a lot of people do this subconsciously, and saying "would" sort of makes it look like some people do it on purpose.
The truth is that when it comes to dating, a lot of people are war veterans carrying their own battle scars. I think your theory is actually true to an extent, because my ex was dumped by HIS ex, and then when it came to me, he cheated. I may have done the official dumping but the way I see it, who ever is doing the cheating first did the ACTUAL breaking up.
It's more of a defence mechanism, I think, its kind of like when children are bullied in high school and then when they become seniors they become the bullies. Its a vicious cycle. Hardly ever ends.
Cherie

For you to go back there.. to speak to an ex you must have really mistreated her!!... If my ex called me saying he wants to go to lunch I'd tell him to f**k off lol. I don't hate the guy but he cheated, got another woman pregnant but still wanted us to be together..he actually thought he could say sorry and we would continue! said we could get engaged. Looking back..I think I had a lucky escape..he clearly wasn't right in the head. I wish him no harm but like most ex's I wouldn't want anything to do with him...even years down the road. I wouldn't say removing myself from a bad relationship has caused me to become the heart breaker. However, I did make it very clear to my current partner that under NO circumstances would I tolerate cheating.....! but he's brilliant..unlike my previous partner we communicate really well and I look back and think (in regards to my ex)...what the hell was I doing with that man!!
Rastaman

Old enough to know better but too young to think I have all the answers. But seriously, I am in my fourth decade.
http://theworldoftiffany.wordpress.com Tiffany

Yay for the JL shout out And as for the philosophy, I have never heard it, but now that I have GOOD!!! That means that bogus, let me break her heart wankster I gave my heart to will get his heart broken in his next relationship )))))
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

A lot of us have tendencies to repeat cycles when it comes to bad relationships. It sounds like that has happened with you, from you being the one not wanting to commit to being with someone who couldn't commit. Perhaps this is more to do with something holding you back, like a fear of commitment?

I say it with love and because I've been here. It took a LONG time to break the cycle. I had to look at my past relationships with men all the way back to my father. And the constant thread in my dating life had been that I'd get involved with guys who couldn't commit to me in some way. I remember someone told me I even had a fear of commitment, but it didn't make sense at first because I really, really wanted to be in a relationship. I learned later I really was afraid, and it was easy to date the men who wouldn't commit because I didn't have to face my issues and cycle I perpetuated. Knowing deep down they couldn't commit fully to me saved me from putting myself in a vulnerable position with love. Thus self-sabotage.

Maybe this is you, maybe not. Sit just sounds familiar compared to my experiences.
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

I don't think the universe has this "tit for tat" philosophy to it, nor do I believe karma works in this way. Plus, if you have to gauge your future relationship by the last one, aren't you then setting yourself up for possible "failure?"

I do think though, that people can be drawn to us because of the energy we give out. I realized this once with a man I started dating. He was very kind, respectful, intelligent, creative; at face value the qualities I desire/need. But he was very clingy from the get-go. I thought it was so weird that someone so over-attentive came along, that I couldn't handle when I really wanted to date (and for the wrong reasons). I saw it later when I was aware of of my desperation to have a man.

Like energy attracts like energy.
R.e.D

Interesting concept. Don't really know if I fully agree, but I understand where you are coming from with this.
For me it has less to do with exchanging roles and more to do with compensating for what you thought was missing in the prior relationship. Let me explain..Like BIBA mentioned, in the next relationship your goal is to not make the same 'mistake.' So you alter your behavior in some way so as to NOT do the things that your ex found unacceptable or that you yourself realized wasn't conducive to a healthy relationship. For instance, if you were dumped, you want to make sure that doesn't happen the next time, so you toughen up on the next person. Or perhaps you were too passive, then you realize you have to be more aggressive the next time around or you may end up getting trampled on. For me, I sat down and looked at all my flaws and I tried to tone down some things and up some other things. So it wasn't role reversal or even karma, it was just trying to be what you thought was 'better' the next time around. B/c we know, only fools do the same thing repeatedly and expect a different result, so since we aren't fools, we try to switch it up for a better/different outcome the next time around.

Have you ever passed over someone that was a “good catch” because they were “missing” something in your eyes?
Last week, I had a conversation with a male friend. He has a new baby and he and the mother live together. She is nice looking, nice body, has a decent job, appears to be a good mother and seems faithful. He said to me, on the outside looking in, people may think he has it all, but he doesn't love her b/c something is 'missing.'
Of course at this point, I pressed him for what he meant and he said one line, "She doesn't make me better." I thought about that sentence for 2 full days. Some times in life, we can't always pinpoint exactly what is missing, but if we are honest with ourselves maybe we all want this in a mate. In a way, this is selfish. Why are we looking for someone to make us better? Shouldn't we be trying to see how we can help someone else? My thought process on that line ran deep, and it is too much to write but just reflect on that line for a minute.

Out of sheer curiosity, what I want to know is how you told you significant other that you were going out with an ex you still had feelings for?? That's one hell of a woman right there. But maybe it was less to do with her and more to do with you needing closure. Don't answer me, I'm being nosy is all.
liza

I don t think the theory is true.But that might be because I only begin a relationship if I think it s gonna work and I work for it.But if I realize over the time that it just won t match or my partner doesn t work with me because he doesn t see the problems that exist in the relationship from my point of view or the love is just gone ,what sadly happends, I pack my bags.So I ve always been the heartbreaker.

A lok of folks seem to skip keepers because they somehow - whoever gave them the idea- think something s better gonna be around the corner.Think that s pretty foolish,you can at least give it a try.

Of cause do past relationships have some influence on your future ones.But if you try to excogiate you might know better in the future.
I once read an article about a match-maker and that woman said you re only going to have a fulfilling and serious relationship when you know what yu want.And in order to know that you gotta find out what you don t want.Well, I dated 2/3 guys who were not my type but still kinda interesting and after 2-3 dates I knew there would never be a friendship or romance so I think she s right in some way.You gotta look a bit around in order to know what you want.Self-reflection is also very important.
helloimdonna

Happy Belated Birthday ~
Krystal Light

Gee thanks, Donna! Whenever your birthday is, happy birthday to you!
http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

Have you been the one overlooked in a similar situation?
- At least 95% of the time. No lying.

Could you appreciate an apology from an ex years after the fact?
- Not really. It only serves the person who's apologizing. What's the point?

Are you usually the dumper or the dumpee?
- The latter. And that probably says more about me than should be admitted. :-\

Won't bother answering the rest; my experiences are few & far between.
Wmofyr

Even though I'm usually the dumper, its been times the guy made me feel like the dumpee by his behavior. He may have overlooked me or just didn't plan on a good relationship to from the start.

Anyway, I always wonder if I just did not read him right. But since I can't read minds, there is definitely a limit of how much I can read. Heck I can't even catch each little thing.

But going back to your posting... I think it may have something to do with wooing the woman. One woman's woo, is ordinary to the next maybe. Or maybe it's the emotional connection, or level of sharing the lives. Just a thought.

Some women if you give great times consistently, she in love: Another woman, may also enjoy the same gifts; But for her it's not a reason to fall in love, it's a reason for continuing the dating to see if it gets deeper. And I do notice divorce men are deeper sooner.

Anyway, I think it all goes back to how this person is wooed. And this causes them to have confidence in the relationship, if they wanting that sort of thing to begin with. The connection/emotional benefits of the relationship is very important,I think.
Flowy Mitchell

Well did u compromise with things that she had problems with u because they say compromise is something that maintain a relationship
Flowy Mitchell

comment directed to rastaman
Sadelovesluke

I will say it like this . . What goes around comes back around ten times harder. . . So in every relationship I treat my partner like I would want to be treated. . .
Sadelovesluke

I will say it like this . . What goes around comes back around ten times harder. . . So in every relationship I treat my partner like I would want to be treated. . .
Sadelovesluke

I will say it like this . . What goes around comes back around ten times harder. . . So in every relationship I treat my partner like I would want to be treated. . .