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Is It Wrong to Play With a Woman’s Emotions? (Butterface)

Posted by NWSO • April 21, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

The other day on Twitter I asked, “If a not-so-attractive girl dresses sharp as hell, does she get a pass?” Usually I expect the two or three normal responses with one being a joke, but literally 40 seconds after I posted the question, my phone buzzed louder than my ex’s vibrator as the responses came flooding in.

With a wide array of different responses, I found myself even more confused than I originally was. To understand the question thoroughly, I should explain my situation in more depth.

Every Monday, Wednesday, and the occasional Friday, I’m usually accompanied by a young lady named Brenda during my train ride to college. Although we rarely even speak to each other off the train, I know Brenda to be a very smart and down to earth woman who helps me wake up in the mornings when I’m half-dead and would rather skip class.

Here’s the thing, though, Brenda has always flirted with me, but being that I was in a relationship at the time I never showed any interest in return. She’s always just been a fun person to talk to on the train. However, after splitting from a two-year relationship (which she knows about) I find her being a little more assertive and starting to stare at me with that, “Why-haven’t-you-asked-me-out-yet?” face. Well, to be completely honest, Brenda isn’t exactly the most attractive person and even though I tend to find something beautiful in every woman, I can admit that if we did get down to business, we’d be doing it the way the dogs do it…every time!

However, one thing that stands out about Brenda is the way she dresses and how her body looks in it. I’m not a fashion connoisseur it the least bit—give me a shirt with a collar that fits well, and I’m straight—but when it comes to my train buddy, even I have to give props where it’s due. Although most women reading this probably think she wears the skimpiest outfits possible, that’s not the case at all. Brenda’s outfits are pretty much the perfect blend of sexy and classy, and they’re complemented with a confident walk I can only imagine is inspired by Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman” playing in her head.

So, she’s smart, keeps in great shape, and dresses sharp—what’s the problem? Well, let’s say I do go out with her and I do truly start to like her as a person. How do I get past the extended jawbone? I know relationships shouldn’t be based on appearances, but there has to be some physical attraction (above the neck) there, right?

Still, I respect the fact that instead of blaming things on what she unable to control, Brenda is taking it upon herself to make up for her facial flaws by mastering the things she can control. But my question is, does that mean she gets a pass? When I asked my co-worker, he said, “Oh, so you’re gonna f*ck her fashion sense? Oh, okay,” which was hilarious to me but also brings up a valid point.

I guess the real question may be, is it worth getting involved with someone if I’m not attracted to their face. I’m not the player type so I can’t “hit it and quit it,” “toot it and boot it,” or whatever other expression there is for one-nighters, and I’m not going to spend money on dates to see if I can “get over it.” But DAMN she can dress her ass off!

Little help?

Dear Train Guy,

Don’t know, homie, sounds like you’re attracted to her regardless of what you think about her face (is it really that bad?) Sure, you spent most of the time speaking about how she fills out a dress but you also mentioned how she was smart and down to earth and how she helps you stay on track with getting to school, which generally are the makings of a quality woman. Problem is, you sound stuck on the superficial over the internal qualities.

At the end of the day the answer to your dilemma is simple: Either you be a mature individual and start to date women for who they are not what they look like or you simply leave her in the friend zone and keep it moving. The simple fact is you don’t have to sleep with this woman. No one’s putting a pucci gun to your head threatening to blow your brains out if you don’t give her the business. Just because she may or may not be throwing it your way doesn’t mean you have to smack it up, flip it and rub it down.

If you realize that you just aren’t attracted to her above the neck and it really is an issue for you then don’t even bother. She sounds like she is really in to you and if you go down that path with only the intents of getting to see what’s under that dress and that’s it, I’d advise you have more respect for the friendship than that. Besides, Brenda deserves better than a broken heart just because you’re curious.

Do you think some unattractive people can get a pass if they can dress well? Do women view men with the same critical eye as men? Ladies, would you be upset/hurt if you knew a guy slept with because of your body and thought your grill was busted? Would you be suspicious of a man that only wanted to do it like the dogs do and never face you in the bedroom? Is face-to-face sex more intimate? Do you think that this letter writer is playing with Brenda’s emotions? Should he just cut off all contact if she keeps coming on to him? Is Brenda playing herself pursuing a man that clearly isn’t interested? Would he be wrong with sleeping with her? What do you think this letter writer should do?

Speak your piece…

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Tagged as: attraction, busted, busted grill, ugly girl, unattractive woman

http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

I don't think he's playing with Brenda's emotions, unless he's flirting with her and making it seem like he'd like to hook up but doesn't do anything. Even so, if that's all true, bottom line is he's not taking action, and she should look at that for confirmation if confused. But I have no idea if she's pursuing him or not just on the details given.

As for being with someone you don't really find physically attractive, I think there can be an exception if that person has sex appeal. There are plenty men I find sexy but don't fit into what I perceive as attractive.
futurelawyer!

he needs to cut it off. why be with someone you dont adore. If she is ugly then he needs to be okay with the fact that she is ugly because he thinks her soul is beautiful. Many guys do this to women, she isnt cute enough, ass aint big enough, too goody two shoes... Im considered pretty, but in a more edgy way (everybody says I look like the cuter version of Robin Givens back in "harlem"- i dont see it @ all), and a student at a top university, but I just got played FOR NO reason (he forgot to hang up after our call and I heard him telling his boys how he keep the pretty girls thinking they special). it hurts to have someone your feeling not being real
thethrill

As Lance Sullivan told Harper Stewart, "go on and be a dog, dog."

All jokes aside, it's not worth it playboy. TrainGuy sounds like a stand-up guy, or at least, one w a few more morals than the average dude b/c this wouldn't b a question for a lot of us. It's a big assumption though, esp in this day and age, to assume Brenda wants more than a physical relationship. All in all tho, TrainGuy said he's not the player type so he shouldn't play. Admire her style, from a distance if need be, and 86 the other thoughts. #staythirstymyfriends
Older & Wiser

When I started reading this I thought it was you Ans, LOL!

Train guy should leave her in the friend zone if he can't get past her looks. He did say he was in college so maybe he is still too young to man up.
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

Uhm, no, what would give you that idea? #Curious

What's funny, though, I do remember a girl named Brenda back in elementary that I think liked me. She took my same bus and actually lived around my way, but I didn't let her know that cause she got off the but like 2/3 stops before me. She had a Jherri curl and definitely did NOT have the body Train Guy's talking about. But I was like 12 so what could I do about a bangin body anyway?

But, again, nope, train guy is a real live person. #TrueStory
http://theworldoftiffany.wordpress.com Tiffany

Train guy, If you are not attracted then don't let this leave the train. She should also realize with her "when are you gonna ask me out face" that if you haven't yet, then you probably won't. Body, clothes, smarts, yeah, yeah, yeah...if you don't like her you don't like her and you are using those as fillers. #Message
Alicia C

The only way you're playing with her emotions is by flirting back or giving her hope (verbally) that the friendship has the possibility to progress. Being nice is not a lead-on. If you don't feel you can live with the mug, it's best to keep it moving and not hurt her by having sex (giving her hope), and not giving all of yourself or all she deserves/needs. Preference is a right we own. If you prefer a more attractive (face wise) female be true to what you want or can live with and leave it at that. Maybe the chocha will be so great, her face won't matter? Who knows.
http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com Marcia H.

If he can't get past the face then he should remain friends with her. Or he can totally get out of his head and superficiality (Spell Check) and actually go on a date with her. What's the worse that can happen on a date? And there are buttaheads that do get a pass because they dress nice. Not all, some. Why? I don't know. That's the million dollar question.

I know I'm not the prettiest girl but I'm not the ugliest and I wonder myself.
Dolce Diva

You know there's a song from back in the day that tells men if they want to be happy for the rest of their life, then make an ugly girl their wife. I don't know if there's some truth to that but if there's a song about it, then maybe, just maybe...
ChloeRayne516

You gave him some good advice. Mister Train needs to keep acting like he don't know Brenda is throwing them draws at him and just keep the conversations PG-13 if she's not his type then why settle??
Rastaman

There may be people who meet the general consensus of unattractive but at the end of the day I would think such a description is subjective. What I find attractive in women many other men do not, a woman’s physique is much more appealing to me than her face. As an average looking guy (like NWSO… LOL), I have heard some women say I was ugly and I have heard some women say I am handsome, so yes there are women who do work from that perspective but considering the feedback have gotten my looks are subjective too.
The LW is not ready for a woman like Brenda and he may never be ready, she may have to recognize that for herself and keeps it moving. You can’t talk yourself into being attracted to someone, either you are or you not. If your idea of a relationship is heavily influenced by the concerns of what other people will say about the person you are involved with then you not ready for that person. Most of us dudes have been down that road at one time or the other where we made something totally superficial deter us from a prospectively good person. I have even heard women admit to that too. One lady told me that in the past she would be turned off by men just because she did not like the way they walked. She now realizes how dumb a standard that was. Plus there are people who won’t date people who are classified as very attractive. So someone like that would greatly appreciate Brenda.
As for face to face sex, please understand that is primarily European in its origination. In most of the world’s culture some variation of the “doggystyle” was generally the way men and women copulated. I don’t think it had anything to do with intimacy per se. The missionary position is called that exactly because Christian missionaries would preach to native peoples that it was the Christian way to have sex and “doggystyle” was beastly. The truth is what “doggystyle” is, is more pleasurable to women. Those old Christians were not big on women getting pleasure from sex; they may like it and want to do it all the time. SMDH!
c0c0puffz

He's not ready to settle down and right now he's all about having fun. I think the real reason he don't want to be with Brenda is because he's afraid his friends will dog him out. For Brenda's sake, I hope he don't sleep with her.
R.e.D

Like Older and Wiser, I too thought this was our host's writing.

I applaud this guy for his honesty. As superficial as some may say this is, in reality, there is real dillemma if you aren't physically attracted to the person that you are dating. And this is the problem for below-average looking women. We dress up, we get our hair, nails etc done, we better ourselves by getting an education, and at the end of the day, finding a suitable mate is difficult, simply b/c we aren't 10s. You see, no matter how average or below average a man is, he wants a woman who is at least a 7-8. WTH??!!!

I don't have any advice on whether or not he should date her, but maybe he just needs some more time to figure things out. In the mean while, don't waste her time.

From a female standpoint, I would date an average or even below-average looking guy if he stimulated me mentally. But honestly, it may be hard if you are really unattractive to even get my attention to converse with you to realize that yes!, you have a brain, and even then, you may have to be placed in the 'friend zone.'

On the other hand, I've had men that wanted to date me, that people classified as 'fine' and been unable to date them b/c I don't find them attractive. This may be confusing for some, but for me, just b/c a man looks good, doesn't equate me being attracted to him. R.e.D's attraction laws are really simple in her head, but people see it as being 'too picky.'
R.e.D

Well Rasta, it was the old way, so nowadays, Christians find pleasure from any style...
novanova

Phisical attraction is not "superficial" its in our design for a reason. Leave this Billie Goat alone. If you have not made a move in this long period of time, you don't want her. Let her find someone who does. No one wants to be with someone who has to "get past" their looks. People, especially women want you to love and be attracted to them fully.
Wmofyr

You describe your feelings towards her person as dislike. Therefore, it's a no go. She boost your self-esteem. But you sound like you would be draining on her self-esteem: You planning on sexing her like a dog? Even when women put up with stuff: stuff like that never make another human being happy. She'll bounce back: but why ruin her for thoses months or year.

Keep it on the bus. Or, tell her you are dropping a class and takes earlier trains. Move on. Charity/non-adoring sex / relationship can not build love, just resentment (on both sides).
jaclynsd

He sounds young and inexperienced if he’s big dilemma is contemplating whether he should get at her based on face versus her good qualities. Like NWSO said she sounds like a quality women and just because she’s offering it doesn’t mean you have to take it. I think its best both if he keeps her as a friend. If she continues to pursue you and doesn’t take hints that you’re not interested either you tell her straight out or start taking a dif train. OR...her if he likes the convo (and train route) just tell her you have a new girlfriend now lol j/k
Rastaman

So glad you have clarified that, glad to see some things have changed for the better.
Rastaman

Being young and inexperienced is one of the reasons he is seeking advice. How many times in our early dating lives many of us could have used some sage advice from others, not our peers about how to deal with a delicate situation. Hopefully, he is making an informed decision that is considerate of another person's feelings. If he truly likes the young lady then he should want to treat her respectful, so no hit it and quit it.
da ThRONel

Speaking for myself looks tend to fade and quickly. This goes both ways. Ladies who am heavy attracted to or I think is really beautiful after a while are just pretty later on. While women I think that are ugly after a while are just below average. I call it the room temperature effect.
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

Why the belief I wrote the letter (and answered myself)? #JustCurious as you echo O&W's sentiments. Train Guy actually hit me off line and took that as a compliment LOL
OneOfAKind_21

Woman date Men all the time that aren't attractive. I say give her a chance.
R.e.D

You misunderstood..I know you didn't write the letter but the writing style reminded me of yours. It was witty in the beginning (sp?), he was talking about twitter, and just the way he put the question together with explaining everything in depth, almost as if the question was a blog in and of itself. That's all. I don't understand what you meant by he hit you off line, but oh well.

Happy Easter to ALL!
forgive any and all typos
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

No, I know you know I didn't write (or I believe you do/did). Was just curious as to what made y'all think that albeit briefly. The LW is actually a writer as well and was towing the line of this being a guest post or an actual Dear NWSO post, after reading it I approached it as a Dear NWSO. But again, perhaps the fact he is a scribe and fan of the site led to the stylistic similarities.

And by off line I meant off online, as in he emailed me outside the blog space.
Quinn

I had a friend who was not attractive in the least. To be honest, he looked like an odd blend of Jay-Z and Wiz Khalifa. But the boy had swag, he was smart, funny, sweet and a really good friend. After months of discreetly turning him down, I decided to go out on a date with him. It was the basic Dinner-And-a-Movie combination, but that date ranked in my top 10. Honestly, I'm glad I gave him a chance. You should definitely give Brenda a chance.

Quinn

P.S. I heard that people who know they're not attractive often try harder to make a relationship work (or if u want a "toot it & boot it" type deal they do anything) because they think they have to make up for what they lack physically. So, if u want a girl to meet you more than half way in your relationship, Brenda might be a good choice.
diamond

It seeems like the guy is making asssumptions on what the girl might be really saying? in his eyes the lady is smart, confident, and a no-no in the face. In her eyes she might see him as a nice play toy- that she only wants to play with(and maybe for one night). Its obvious shes confident and confidence attracts men; which she most likely has a choice of. It's obvious she carries herself with pride- exemplified in the way she dresses, talks, and walks. She's probably wondering why the guy in the train hasn't caught on to her yet- she probably thinks he's shy and slow to the game, which makes her flirt with him more. The story might be a little different told from her end- from what i read she seems to be the one in control
Wmofyr

That's a good point. She may not even thing much of him.
Girl S

I dress very well and I also like for my man to dress sharp...not all the time but at least when it counts...Im attracted to guys that dress nice (I like nice things) It says alot and if they can support you habit of liking nice things. lol Ok I say go ahead, life is short. Sleep with her, you may end up really liking her ............BUT you should prepare her mentally incase you dont end up really liking her cause she seems like a nice girl. I'm a believer in sampling and when you sample that requires you to use ur 5 senses...I think you already used ur senses in sight, smell, hearing...now all that left are feel and taste...Go ahead. Why not? Im not one to sample if im not attracted to your face but when it comes down to it. Eye candy is not alway a good thing you want someone at the end of the day you can (look at) lol..No really you want some at the end of the day you can talk to and that person understands you completely....Anyway...Thats life, do what makes u happy.
ML

I tend to agree with some of the statements, But i grade the females i like from 1 to 10. like a 6 is barley passing so i would give her a chance, but the 10 might be fine as Lois Line but be super mean. And if Train Guy slept her with so be it, Some females sleep with the ugliest dudes, some marry them. And yes Females do the same thing. It's a 2 way street, some are just naive
Wmofyr

Train guy should maintain his own values, and not dog out this girl. He already said he will not be loving her right. Plus it's not good to disrespect the friendship that's been helpful to him.
http://Dividedchaos.wordpress.com TeeTee

This "Train guys" issue is so ridiculously pathetic that it really doesn't deserve my response. However, I am going to give it anyway. It simultaneously pains me and makes me laugh to know that people are and can truly be so very shallow. Give me a guy that is into me, loves me, loves my mind, can keep me intellectually stimulated, has money making potential and to top it all off dresses well... Then I would never even focus on his face. He could be as ugly as sin, it would not matter to me, because of this one reason.... When you truly love (like) a person, after a while all of those physical features honestly do disappear to a point that you don't even notice (this is true regardless of if the person can be classified as a 10 or a 2). My suggestion to "Train Guy" is that he get his head out of his A$$. I honestly hope that 'Brenda' is following his twitter account and has the confidence to move on from this obviously 'Young' child. She deserves so much more. As for him, I hope he finds a beautiful girl, who's only asset is that... her beauty. Let's see how he lives a fulfilling life with only that as a contribution. I guarantee you brother man will be working hard as hell putting in lots of overtime. After all, beauty is only skin deep. You can teach an ugly girl (or guy) how to make them selves up, (hell, if they are the right type, they'll even be able to afford to surgically alter what they aren't satisfied with) However, you can't teach a beautiful girl who lacks everything else, how to get what she really needs to make it in this life. Those type of ASSETS come from within a girl that has it all, meeting up with a man like "train guy" should realize that he is of the type that she can definitely do without.
Miss Conception

For once, I am agreeing with Ans on this one. I think what is important is how he told him “Either you be a mature individual and start to date women for who they are not what they look like or you simply leave her in the friend zone and keep it moving.”

Whether male or female, your attracted to a person for more than one's look. Sometimes, a woman is beautiful not because she looks like Gabrielle Union or Zoe Saldana, but because her personality and caring nature towards people overshadow her looks. There were several women I knew like that, who I didn't think they were ugly until someone may have seen a bit more than me. I saw her for her ability to make people feel good about themselves, and is easy to talk to. So, it is best to really know if you are capable to date someone whether she looks like Halle Berry, or looks like Remy Martin. Besides, most men I know are interested women that carry confidence, knows how to present herself, and is to relate to than someone that is gorgeous yet no personality, extremely confident in her looks alone and doesn't really relate to anyone.
kat

“When you truly love (like) a person, after a while all of those physical features honestly do disappear to a point that you don’t even notice”

Several people wrote something familiar.My question:
How do,can you get to know somebody if you re not interested in them in the first place?If you know it s either heading down the relationship-road or friendship-over?

I dated like 2 quys who were very intelligent,good,jobs,well educated blahblahblah.But there was no zsa zsa zsum,no attraction from my side.
What some people here propose is settling down for someone.

And I don t think it s shallow to judge by the looks at first.Everybody does it and it s human.Nothing s wrong with that.But there s no logig in dating someone if you re not attracted t him/her , how perfect the rest of the person might be.

“ “Either you be a mature individual and start to date women for who they are not what they look like or you simply leave her in the friend zone and keep it moving.”
How should he know how the woman is if he doesn t date her?And one usually dates people who are attractive.

Looks make the couple,what s inside decides who stays together.