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She Rejected My Proposal But Should the Relationship End?

Posted by NWSO • April 27, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Confession time: I got stuck watching an episode of Sex & the City the other night. While I despise what the show did to the minds of some women, I understand why it worked. But I digress…

Anyway, it was an episode where Carrie was getting cold feet about her engagement to the guy from Northern Exposure (SATC Stans know him as Aiden). I don't know much about their relationship other than she said, "Yes!" when she really should have said, "No," or at the very least, "I don't know yet."

Coulda, woulda, shoulda, it really doesn't matter because ol' boy figured it out when Ms. Bradshaw kept dodging the idea of locking down a wedding date. More than that, she didn't even wear the ring on her finger, she put it on a necklace and fed him a line about it being “closer to her heart” that way. I don't know much about Sex & the City, but what woman as fabulous as Carrie Bradshaw doesn't want to plan her wedding or show off her rock? Yeah, those are two big bright-red flags.

This got me to thinking: Could a relationship survive a rescinded proposal?

I mean, if I got down on bended knee (or whatever) and proposed to the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and she said, “No,” that's basically the end of the relationship, right? I can't see a scenario where that wouldn't just be awkward. How are we supposed to go back to just "dating" when you just said, “No,” to one of the most important questions a man could ever ask in life? I want you to be my wife, you just want to be my girlfriend. Clearly, we have conflicting views on where this relationship is going. It's the proverbial 600lb gorilla in the room. We both know what I asked and that you declined my offer for marriage, what's left to discuss? The "ship" in our relationship has sailed. (I just hope I got my ring back and kept the receipt).

Of course there are some circumstances where a woman's "No" could be acceptable, but for the relationship to continue afterwards there would have to be a lot of conversing and explaining. It's like being at a company for years, working your way up the ranks, only to learn that there's no way in hell you're going to progress any higher than the position you’re currently at. You've reached your ceiling, which leaves you with two options: 1) Remain complacent in your current position. 2) Move on. In work or relationships, I'd lean towards door No. 2. There’s nothing left here for me.

As a man I'd say asking a woman for her hand in marriage is a big step and puts us in a vulnerable position. In a perfect world she's supposed to say, “Yes,” so anything that veers off that plan is a major bruise to the male ego (and I doubt any man would be in a rush to embarrass himself like that again any time soon). That's not to say a woman should say, “Yes,” just because a man asks. I'd hope she'd be in love with him and both parties would be willing to put the actual work in to make the marriage successful. Carrie would have saved the guy from Northern Exposure a lot of pain, grief and money had she been honest from jump. Still, most of us don't expect to hear, “No.” That's got to hurt but being married to someone that doesn't truly love you has got to hurt a heck of a lot more.

#ChooseWisely

Do you think a relationship could continue successfully after a rejected proposal? What's worse, a woman saying no or a woman saying yes only to give the ring back or divorce later? Do you think some women say yes just because? Is it weird for you to hear about a woman getting cold feet the same way men do? What's a valid reason to say no to someone you love? Would you understand if the person who got rejected decided to leave/breakup? Do you agree that proposing puts men in a vulnerable position? Should more women start proposing? If you were the one rejected could you grow to appreciate the person's honesty or wish they had tried to make it work?

Speak your piece...

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Tagged as: engagement, Marriage/Love, proposal, rejection

Gemyel

Your right ..... I dont think could continue a relationship after they have told me no .... Thats work analogy was perfect for this....good read and conversation piece
MonaLisa

I think a lot of men expect women to automatically say yes to a proposal because obviously all women are dying to get married and if a man is ready to get married than of course the woman is too...not.

I was proposed to and I said no because 1) we had a lot of issues that we needed to work out and 2) I wasn't in love with him yet. I told him all of this and we are still together. I think if a relationship still has room to grow than the guy shouldn't leave after getting denied. I'm pretty sure this is how my boyfriend saw it. And a little honesty never hurt anyone.
Nola Q. Darling

It's a weird predicament to find yourself in, when your partner wants more of a commitment than you do. I don't want a husband- I don't have a practical use for one. I felt so weird when my ex told me he loved me. I didn't lie and say it back, but I can understand the position Carrie was in. You don't want to hurt them, and you're cool with having them in your life. Not everyone is built for marriage. A true relationship should be able to survive this. And you have to look at the reasons why the woman is saying no. Just because I don't want to marry you doesn't mean I don't care for you and want you in my life.
Chrissy

I didnt read the post, but to answer the question, why stay with someone who is waisting your time? You want to marry, they dont. So you stay hoping they will...what if they never do. It's just waisting more time. This is why I believe the cards need to be layed out in the beginning before wasted time takes place. Does the person want to marry anytime soon? If they dont and you do keep it movin.

Anywho yes women get cold feet too.
Preachthetruthteller

Nope...if she says no and you stay
You are on the Henpecked idiot list....
Have some pride and move on...
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

As a big SATC fan, I want to throw out my perception of that storyline. I don't think Carrie was able to say no to the proposal, because she wasn't self-aware enough at that point to know better.

I think there'd be too many other factors at play to know if someone should exit the relationship right away because their proposal was shot down. It's just too hard to say what you'd do until you're there.

In real life, after a while, don't people pretty much know if their mate is marriage material & if they would marry them? It seems communicating about long-term stuff beforehand is beneficial. Some people don't believe in the institution of marriage, so you should learn early on (but not too early) if the two of you are compatible. To my recollection, Aiden did not do this with Carrie. I don't ever recall them having conversations about their future together and how it could be.
http://amberyum.blogspot.com AmberYum

I feel that there are far too many situations that can give this answer a definite yes or no. I am very familiar with SATC and I feel that Carrie's way of saying yes then ultimately saying she wasn't ready was a cop out because her heart was with Big. In that situation, yes, he was within right to leave.
http://qalil-com.blogspot.com Qalil Little

It took my mother 10 years to say yes to my pops. This year they celebrate 40 years of marriage.

I think it is all about understanding what marriage is. We all have different notions of what that may look like.

Sex and the City is not a good example to use though.
Luvin85

Do you think a relationship could continue successfully after a rejected proposal? Yes, if the reason for the rejected proposal is defined clearly and is not one that has anything to do with the woman being unsure that the guy is the one. If the reasons is not the right time or financial then it can be postponed to a better suited time.

What’s worse, a woman saying no or a woman saying yes only to give the ring back or divorce later? I'm not a guy, but I'm assuming just saying no. A quick blow to the male ego and heart can be recovered from quicker than years of unhappiness, divorce lawyers, and money settlements.

Do you think some women say yes just because? No, there is always a reason. Some are caught up in the moment of being proposed to. I have yet to know what that feels like but I imagine its very romantic. I think most are hopeful of a long marriage though. Unless, of course,if their hidden agenda is to benefit from the man's money.

Is it weird for you to hear about a woman getting cold feet the same way men do? No, not at all. Women, like men, at one point wonder is this the last man I want to be with? Or can I deal with this flaw for the rest of my life? Will marriage be boring or become complacent. Will he change for the worse? Will I miss the single life? etc etc

What’s a valid reason to say no to someone you love? I'm not as far into my career/ school development as I had thought I would be. I would like to have more money saved to have a nicer wedding and I don't like long engagements.

Would you understand if the person who got rejected decided to leave/breakup? Yes, if the reason given is that you are unsure about marriage or marrying them.

Do you agree that proposing puts men in a vulnerable position? No! A woman proposing is a vulnerable position. Most woman are more open to the idea of marriage than men. When women drop hints or start conversations with men about marriage to see where their heads are at regarding it, men are more hestitant to the idea than woman.

Should more women start proposing? No, for the same reason I just gave.

If you were the one rejected could you grow to appreciate the person’s honesty or wish they had tried to make it work? You should always respect their honesty. Making it work would be based on the reasons the rejection was given.
NaeSoSweet

This is a funny question cuz my b.f told me he don't see hisself spending the rest of his life with me, at first I was pissed but than I was like honestly this nugga not sumbody I could spend the rest of MY life with either. Yeah we still together but his days kinda sorta numbered, even tho I'm not thinking bout marriage yet cuz I'm only 20 but still.
Kitty1026

If a woman says no, I believe she owes her man an explanation as to why she said no. Based upon that, the relationship may or may not work. If it is because of issues they are working on as a couple or individual, I believe the relationship can work. There are certain things that you may tolerate as BF/GF, but don't want as a part of your marriage. You definitely need to rectify them before jumping the broom.

People don’t take marriage as seriously as they should. I don’t know about y’all, but if I say yes to a man that proposes, it’s because I want to and can foresee myself spending the rest of my life with him. I pray every day that I will find that kind of love that endures all things because I don’t want to get divorced.

I know way too many couples who have been married and divorced before their 30th birthday. I think a lot of women are so obsessed with the idea of marriage and fear it will not happen for them that they say yes to the first man that proposes. It’s imperative that you truly know the person you plan on marrying.
Lana

Wow I think this is so funny how men feel entitled to leave after a rejected proposal yet women will stay in a marriage-less relationship for years waiting on that ring. I understand that when a man proposes he is really putting his heart out there but generally the man should have a good ideal of where he stands before proposing. And sometimes a man may be proposing because he thinks that marriage may alleviate any underlying issues within the relationship and in those cases I think it's smart of the woman to look out for herself and save them the added headache of a possible divorce by saying no. But if a woman holds off on saying yes because she may have more important priorities that may keep her from focusing entirely on her man ( yes we have those : ) ) then I dont see why a man who truly loves his woman can't stick with her within a reasonable amount of time. Sorry for any typos...
Tea

I don't see why a man should leave just because a woman says no. Especially since women are expected to stay in relationships where men don't ask for marriage (for however long). That's a tacit "no."

I know 2 currently married couples. For one couple, when the guy proposed, she said she needed to think about. For the other couple, when the guy proposed, she said no. Now both couples are married and seem very happy.

When a woman says "No" it doesn't have to mean, "no never."
Rastaman

Questions like “Will you marry me” I take a lawyer’s approach in asking, it would be because I already know the answer and if it’s affirmative then I would probably consider the whole pantomime of a formally asking. Frankly, if you asking and you don’t know the answer, I am going to have to question how much you really know the person you want to marry. Asking someone to marry them as an attempt to keep them is not being vulnerable but being naïve or delusional. When someone turns down a marriage request or do not answer affirmatively it should be a wake-up call. Whether the rejected leaves the relationship depends on the reason for the rejection. I know women who have given a conditional yes. On the condition that dude gets his job situation straight, get his credit together or something like put his Moms in check.
Is that better than a no?
Then why are some people asking for marriage is also a question to be examined. Like I stated before marrying to hold someone is not smart, marry because you want to be married. Too many folks think doing the marriage or having a baby or co-habituating will somehow save a failing relationship. Those things are a stage of a relationship not a life jacket. Every relationship is not meant to move onto marriage and the pressure to achieve is what often drives some men to ask and some women to say yes when they do not really want it with that particular person. It is one of those very personal decisions that greatly influenced by outside forces and our need to conform. I have always held to the view that if there is no intent to raise children then nuptials are not really necessary. People get married in this world for a multitude of reasons, love is just one; having a proposal rejected or saying no later is very often indicative of a lack of honest communication within those relationships. But keep in mind that these things are complicated and so there is a whole lot of gray there.
NinaG

This is why I don't believe in 'poppin the question'. I don't think anyone should be surprised with a question that involves the rest of his/her life.
And I'm not sure that a relationship could survive a rejected proposal, I guess it would depend on the reasons for rejection...
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

Exactly! Marriage is like a merger, and most of us wouldn't just go into a business venture without knowing more information first or without having a good idea if it would work out. You should know if you'll be compatible first and if that hasn't been discussed, you're jumping in blindly.
http://Dividedchaos.wordpress.com TeeTee

When my husband and I got married, we previously had long discussions about what we wanted, what we expected, and what we needed to be achieved with one another. We fantasized, laughed, and talked about what it would mean to be a permanent fixture in one another's lives. So, when he did ask me to marry him, we were already in agreement anyway, that it was a step that we indeed wanted to take WITH EACH OTHER. I agree with Rastaman when he said...

“Questions like “Will you marry me” I take a lawyer’s approach in asking, it would be because I already know the answer and if it’s affirmative then I would probably consider the whole pantomime of a formally asking. Frankly, if you asking and you don’t know the answer, I am going to have to question how much you really know the person you want to marry.”

I personally, don't think that a relationship can, or even should survive after a rejected proposal. I mean, isn't that the reason we truly get into relationships? Isn't that the prize at the end of the game? To be married officially ends your search to find "the one" in any other person. If a proposal is rejected, then that's it! Game over. Move on. There is nothing left there for you, chances are, there was truly nothing there to begin with anyway.
kat

If she has reasons for rejecting the proposal the relationship may survive.
But I personally wouldn t see any sense in staying with her if she just doesn t want to get married with the thought that there could be someone better somewhere.That would be a waste of time.

But both have to talk about it because if he thinks she wants to and she actually doesn t , there might be something else off in the relationship.

And to women and men : never,do never propose in front of her/his family ,friends and whatnot,that s nothing but blackmailing (unless you asked her/him before)!!
RC Turi

Very well said!
Miss Conception

I guess it depends on how the rejection was delivered. If the woman straight said no, than perhaps the relationship should end if she doesn't want to marry you yet you want to marry her. It wouldn't make sense to say with someone when clearly they don't want to be married and you do. It's not fair to wait for the other person to change their mind when they have no intentions of changing it.

However, if a person says no and gives a particular reasoning pertaining to the two of you, than why not work towards that stage of marriage? If she says no because we need to get over our petty arguments or we need to live with each other and know if we can truly be together, or perhaps she wants to be married but doesn't think now is the time to do so, what is wrong with working on the relationship so the both of you can be married?

I mean, let's put it like this: if a guy isn't ready for a relationship, yet a woman does, is it fair for her to leave? Or is it fair for her to stay because the guy wants one but doesn't feel that the two of you are actually ready to establish a relationship?
BrownSuga

I agree. Marriage is not taken as serious as it needs to be sometimes. I was proposed to by someone I didnt feel comfortable marrying because I didnt feel like we knew enough about each other to have a lifetime committment. I said no and explained how I felt. Inside I felt like he thought by giving me an engagement ring he felt he would be giving me what I wanted and taking me off the market. We continued dating for a while and the things I learned about him were things I didnt really want out of a husband and things that he couldnt neccessarily or willing change. We ended up breaking up and he got married 4 months after our break up. Through mutual friends I heard his marriage had ended in less than 6 months. Some people like the idea of marriage but dont understand that it is hardwork.
http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com Marcia H.

If I say no when a man proposes to me, I'm thinking that's the end of the relationship. I mean like stated in the blog, that's one of THE most important question a man can ask.

But oh what to do if he proposes in front of a lot of people? Do you say yes not to embarass him and look like a complete b*&^h? Or do you do the ladder? Hmmmm...

Hate to say it but (and to answer my own question) I would say yes to save face (both his and mine)and then me and him will need to have a talk about what just went down.

Oh and I'd give the ring back.
Nyah

it depends on what the "no" is. If its a no - "I dont wanna spend the rest of my life with you, have your ugly children, and clean up after your lazy behind" well then break up and keep it moving. no point in wasting any more of your time. But if its a no - "Im not ready to be married yet." I feel like thats one where you have to take a step back and dissect the situation. The pastor at my church proposed to his current wife at a restaurant in front of what he says was a lot of people and she told him she wasnt ready yet. He didnt break up with her though. Fifteen years and two children later theyre together. Sometimes people arent ready or theyre a little fearful as marriage is a lot of work and it will ultimately be for the best of your marriage if someone doesnt rush in unprepared.
Jacinda

My ex-fiance asked me to marry him twice, after we had been together for about six years. Both times I said no (the second time I said yes--then changed my mind). It made me realize that maybe this person--even after all that time together, and the love that I had for him--wasn't the right one for me. Something inside of me was hesitant, and to this day, I can't pinpoint what it was. After the second rejection, the relationship was over and I was relieved.
When I met my husband, and he asked me to marry him, the answer was yes with no reservations...totally different from before...there was no reservation, and I knew it was the right decision.
resIpsa

Rastaman ~ youza wise dude! Been lurkin for a hot second & err'thang you say is on point. To add my $0.02, i think people should have a shared definition of what love is (JahCure) before they jump the broom. If that consensus aint there, it's time to reflect on what's really good.
Adrienne

I agree with the mantra "Don't ask a question you don't already know the answer to". Furthermore, when you propose to someone, in my mind, you are ready to go the courthouse at that moment and make it official. People propose nowadays hoping to get their stuff and lingering issues resolved during the engagement period. The engagement period was designed for wedding planning, not verifying that this is the person you should spend the rest of your life with. If more people took time to get to know their mate and seriously discuss their expectations of each other in a lifelong commitment, you wouldn't as many, if any, rejected proposals.
Ray.

I had to read this bc I got engaged the same day this was posted. Lol. I remember telling my, now, fiancee that if I were to propose and she said 'no' I would never propose to her again. The vulnerability that is involved with a proposal is unmatched, the only thing close is being tied to a bed for "kinky sex"...or pretty much anything else she wants to do to you. I'll pass on that one...but I digress. I never thought about leaving the person that turned down my proposal bc surely there has to be a reason right? But if not, or not a good enough reason, I'm gone. Back to Jareds, receipt in hand!
CSI Ballistics

I just had to respond.

Why would a relationship necessarily have to end by a rejection like this? What the hell does it have to do with pride? I can imagine that at the point the "No" falls, you feel far from wonderful, but in my opinion pride hasn't anything to do with it.

If you consider the woman worthy enough of spending the rest of your life with as a married pair, isn't she worthy trying to feel understanding for then?!

Women are naturally more of a worrier than men if it comes to relationship and such. They worry about living together, house choirs... possible children. Some don't. Most do. There's a variety of reasons why a person can say no to a proposal for marriage, and I can't truly imagine anyone declining such just for the fun of it and without valid reason.

Marriage is quite the deal - that's necessarily having to work together in a lot of aspects: household, income... Because you're happy together doesn't necessarily mean you're going to be happy living together without issues per se either. Everyone has their 'bad' sides and little habits. It is perfectly possible that while in a relationship, this or that does not entirely bother you, but upon living together it may become a point of frustration. Getting married and living together is not something easy to do with someone you don't know well. Is it wrong to want to explore things more first, to get to know each other even better instead of getting surprised by this or that?

If you're just going to walk away from the relationship for a rejection that may well be based on a very valid reason, you shouldn't ask them to get married to you either. If you cannot even talk about it rationally instead of leaving, then don't you dare tell me you love them.