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When Should You Say “I Love You?” (You Better Mean It)

Posted by NWSO • May 2, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

How long should it take a man to say, “I love You?” I’ve been dating this guy for eight months and everything is great. He introduces me as his girlfriend, we have a good connection, and it seems to be a nicely flowing relationship. However, I find myself wanting to say, “I love you,” but because I’m the female I just hold off on it. Is something wrong? Or what’s the hold up?

Dear Love Lady,

Unfortunately, there is no specific time frame for when someone says, “I love you.” Honestly, what's more important than when is how. More specifically, that the person means it when they do. I could say, “I love you,” right now but that doesn't mean I do regardless of how long I've known/dated you.

See, love isn't on a timetable, at least not one that we control. It comes and goes as it pleases and expresses itself when the time is right. I don't know all the dynamics of your relationship but your boyfriend may have already expressed his feelings for you in action rather than in words. I'm not talking about simply introducing you as his girlfriend or you meeting his family, but does he go out of his way to make you happy?

Take note of things like him taking a midnight run to the store to get you ice cream just because you asked; holding you after sex (if y'all are intimate yet); calling you “just because;” actually listening to you and taking note of your aspirations in life; remembering things that are important to you; making you feel special; or any other expression of his apparent love for you. Now, that's not to say that any of the above actions alone automatically means a man loves you but the feelings behind them in relation to your interactions just MIGHT.

The fact of the matter is men aren't always quick at the draw in actually saying, “I love you,” but sometimes they may be showing it in other ways. But that’s beside the point. As far as you feeling it, say what you want when you want. Saying, “I love you,” isn't a tit for tat thing where you saying it automatically means he has to, too. That's the risk we all run when we say it the first time. Who's to say he isn't waiting for you to say it before he does? While that may or may not be the case, you should always mean what you say when those words leave your mouth. Don't just say it because it's been eight months. I'm sure you'd want him to not only say it but mean it and not because it sounded like the right thing to say after X amount of time.

At the end of the day follow what's in your heart but know that he may not automatically reply with the same words. Still, that doesn't mean he doesn't care, especially if everything else between y'all is all roses. He might not be able to express himself that way just yet or, who knows, he just might surprise you.

Good luck.

Do you think that eight months is enough time to fall in love? How soon is too soon to say I love you? Would you feel hurt if you told someone you loved him or her and they didn’t return the favor? Would you take that as a sign that telling them how you felt was a mistake? Has someone ever told you they loved you and you didn’t feel the same? If so, what was your response? Would you rather someone show their love in action or in words? Have you ever said I love you and not meant it? Do you think this letter writer should tell her boyfriend how she feels or wait a little while longer? Why?

Speak your piece...

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Tagged as: express love, I love you, relationship

Jessica J

This is one of the hardest questions to ask. I'm in a relationship with a man who has never said "I love you" to a woman, but she always said it to him. I fear that he wouldn't even know he was in love if he did feel it. He talks of our future, or the house we'll live in, how we'll raise our kids, how he wants me to be close to his family, when we'll get married, he talks of all these things and in the back of my mind, all I think is, "None of these future things will happen unless you love me." I have no idea what together, we have not been together very long and our relationship isn't a long one cause so much has happened in such a short amount of time since he's leaving for the Air Force in June. I'm super confused. But being that I'm a woman who has always loved harder, and first, I refuse to be the first to say it again, especially in the event that I might not hear it back.
Ronnie

"Be sure it's true when you say I love you. It's a sin to tell a lie" It's a Sin to Tell a Lie by Billie Holiday

If she feels it she should express it. Who said you have to wait because you are the woman?
paulette_bajan_gal

I think by 8 months saying it should be easy...for both parties.Doesn't mean it translates to marriage and kids though.People should date a few years and live together before that happens.

But I would honestly prefer a man to love me with his actions and not just with words.Sometimes love is an action...not a phrase.Most women get caught up in the words while the action part is missing.
Older & Wiser

Love is a decision. If you choose to love someone the timeline in which that happens is different for us all. Falling in love is what happens after you choose to love someone and helps keep the love strong when we become relaxed in the relationship. #imjustsaying
Rastaman

If Anslem ever publishes my piece on love it would say how I truly view this issue but for now I am just going to keep it brief: Love is a verb not a noun!
There is an obsession in this culture with “I love yous”. LW should ask herself: Does he treat me with love?
Because that is the real question not what he says but what he does. Of course hearing it is wonderful but she is holding off expressing how she feels because he has not said it. What else in this relationship are you holding off doing until he does?
What is love without honesty?
A real concern is why do you feel ok with withholding your feelings from someone you want to love you. You can only control what you but you are attempting to control what he does.
I have never been comfortable saying, “I love you” but also do not spend a lot of time waiting to hear it because I know if I do not feel loved, the words are empty.

There are people out here throwing around “I love yous” like “Hellos”. I know whenever I have said it in my life, I have always meant it and the words have always matched my actions. You never want anyone saying it just to say it but because they mean it and it matches how they treat you. Otherwise it’s just an empty phrase. Empty phrases are only great for inflating our egos not much else.
http://www.mikamatsumoto.com mimattoko

There is no time schedule for love. Being in a relationship is much like the stock market: there's plenty of risk and potential for rewards. Say 'I Love You' only when you mean it -- male or female. If she is feeling the love really and truly, then she should be honest with herself and her feelings, regardless of whether or not they are verbally reciprocated.

Having said that, telling someone you love them after 8 months is much more reasonable than saying it after one. And in the same token, if you have been in a relationship with someone for years and they haven't uttered the words or at the very least SHOWN they have love for you, then you might want to have a conversation on the direction of things. Men simply are not good at the verbal expressions -- women really need to get over that rampant expectation.
http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

My longest relationship was 3.5 years. We never said those 3 words to each other. Wrote 'em in cards, e-mails, letters..... but never said it aloud. Looking far back, maybe we were too punk-ass to say it, who knows.

My views on love have been helped along by bell hooks's book All About Love: New Visions. Excellent book.

Those 3 words are as overused as "friend". Love is a verb to me and, therefore, not thrown around like a horseshoe on a pole.
kat

Do you think that eight months is enough time to fall in love?
So nowadays you can measure when it s time to fall in love??Cr-p.

How soon is too soon to say I love you?
Everything under 6 months.

Would you feel hurt if you told someone you loved him or her and they didn’t return the favor?
There s the mistake already!Saying how you feel by saying "I love you" is NOT a favour.It s a deep emotion,based on a connection.It s not "Yeah,I can watch your house while you re on vacation".

Would you take that as a sign that telling them how you felt was a mistake?
Not necessarily.

Has someone ever told you they loved you and you didn’t feel the same?
Yap.Happened like 3-4 times.

If so, what was your response?
I think honesty important in relationships,so I told one quy that I like him and we could have a great time but I already knew I couldn t fall in love with him.After 3 months he told me that he fell in love with me and I got the hell outta there.Was about time anyways.
One guy accidentally told me on the phone when we said goodbye and we had like 4 dates and I only kissed him once.
One ex-boyfriend told me after 4-5 months and I didn t fell the same ,so I didn t say these words back.Then he nagged me about it all the time and I broke up with him.

Would you rather someone show their love in action or in words?
Action speak louder than words.

Have you ever said I love you and not meant it?
No.That would be really unfair.I know people who do that but I think it s just not fair.

Do you think this letter writer should tell her boyfriend how she feels or wait a little while longer? Why”
The relationship seems to be going well.Why destroying something good?
Just because movies,books etc. tell us as a society that there was an appropiate time to say "I love you"?
There is no such thing.

Maybe he has been hurt in the past and thust doesn t want to jump the gun.Maybe he just needs more time.Maybe he fell in love in her but is yet no in the state ,and might never be, to say those words.

Some men like to express their love with actions.Remembering what her favourite chocolate was.The dress she wore on the first date.The names of her friends.What she always wished for in her childhood ,but never got.Saying these words makes one immensly vulnerable.
jaclynsd

True strength comes from knowing that you’ll be ok after you say it. No matter the outcome. You wont break, you wont chatter, because your not made of glass. I think that’s the biggest fear that the reaction of the other person will affect you so much. Or that you’ll give something away or be perceived as weakness, giving in. Real strength is doing you and expressing your emotions w/not fear. What’s that saying “bravery is not the absence of fear, but the will to overcome it”

So just be brave sister and know you’ll be just fine no matter the outcome. Its his loss if he doesn’t love you yet, or doesn’t love you back (remember your special, your not those other women). Better you know now than not at all. You love him, so just say it. If you want to ease into it, or find out if he does love you back. Start w/a “I love spending time with you,” or I love when you do this or that. Get comfortable w/saying it and see what his reaction is.

Like NWSO said it’s not a tit for tat, your saying I love you for you. So the other person knows the way you feel. Or are you just saying it because you want the person to love you? Can’t be selfish w/love.

Take it from someone who didn’t say to someone out of fear/pride. This person was very special to me and did so many things to show it. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship when I met this guy and he showed me more love in a few months than I’ve ever had in YEARS. Well he passed away and I never got to tell him how special he was to me and how much he healed my heart. All because of fear, fear of rejection, fear of being hurt again. I have always regretted that. FEAR held me back and I wont let that stop me from expressing myself again. Remember saying I love you is not only for you but its also to let the other person know how special they are to you. Moral of the story…don’t let your fear/pride become bigger than your love because life changes in an instant. Good luck girl =)
Lonias

I was going to comment on this post with my explanation of why I'VE never said "I love you" first. I always say "vulnerability is a tight fit". But...Rastaman laid me out with this:
"What else in this relationship are you holding off doing until he does?
What is love without honesty?
A real concern is why do you feel ok with withholding your feelings from someone you want to love you. You can only control what you [do] but you are attempting to control what he does..."
I'm going to give these questions some serious thought, because I realize that the reason I've never said "I love you" first is more complex than vulnerability...or maybe it's simpler than I think...
R.e.D

This is an interesting concept. I'm not sure I agree with love being a decision. Can you explain a bit more please?

In my life, if I could choose to love certain men, I would've been married with kids a loong time ago.
I've tried, at least twice in my life, to stay in long-term relationships hoping to fall/grow in love with the person, but that day never came, and I just wasted someone else's life and time.
Older & Wiser

I mean that we all choose to love someone back or not. Just because someone loves you doesn't mean you love them back. You choose how you will respond to them as a matter of your own will. I don't usually make decisions of the heart based on feelings b/c feelings change and are fickle. I choose to love based on my decision or commitment to love you good, bad or indifferent. This doesn't translate into a relationship until we both fall in love we each other. Has that clarified it for you?
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

Great advice.

A while ago I was in this predicament with my boyfriend. I had no doubt that he loved me, because he very much shows it through his actions and other verbal expressions, and I had no questions as to whether I loved him. I was just too damn scared to say it and not hear it back.

See, we've both been a bit emotionally handicapped and even though we've gotten rid of a lot of our baggage, it still comes up every now and then.

He'd previously mentioned he wasn't comfortable yet saying it. I was fine with that (OK, after I freaked out on the inside first) and let it go. Months later, I started feeling like I wanted to say the words, not on a constant basis, just here & there.

Enter more anxiety. Finally, I realized I had no rational reason to be scared. I was gonna say it anyhow and told him this. I also said it was important for me to express it to him and he didn't have to say it despite me wanting to hear it back. I wanted him to feel comfortable saying it yet I didn't want to hold myself back or be a prisoner to my fear.

And after all that anxiety for nothing, he said it back. We still say it to each other, though not constantly. Myself, I feel immune to the words having meaning if it's said all the time.
http://theworldoftiffany.wordpress.com Tiffany

Damn. 8 months...hmmmm not sure about that. I have had a man tell me after 3 months and then I was with a dude for almost two years and he told me once we broke up ~super blank stare~ I think that actions do speak louder than words, but I will be doggoned if those three words aren't nice to hear.
R.e.D

OK. Now I can understand the first part of what you are saying. The latter part I still can't see, but thanks for responding.
Rita

Rastaman I have to say I enjoy reading your comments on these blogs!Thought provoking!
OSHH

That's unfortunate, but like others have said if you aren't being loved, as in consistent actions, then chances are he doesn't love you and in that case saying those words won't change that fact, braveheart and all. Like you said you have to be ok with that, which is often a hard pill to swallow but at least you know you are being true to yourself and what's in your heart.
Jessica J

That's the thing, we always say the things he loves about me, or what I do. He'll say, "I love spending time with you, I love when you do this, I love when you do that. I love this, I love that." But never, "I love you." He always preaches to me that he's never been that good at expressing himself with words, so I have to learn to read into the context clues behind his actions to see how he feels. He lets me know everytime we have an experience or he does something with me that he has never done with a woman before. He assures me that if I can't see by now that I'm special to him, then I need to pay more attention. I wouldn't be surprised if he never said the words, just acted them out. But I let him know that a lot of the time a woman needs to hear it. I don't know how it will work out.
http://www.nwso.net Gemini

Don't say it. 8 months is not long enough to love somebody. IMO. You can strong like him but don't rush the love thing. No emotion hurts worst than love.
sarah

saying i love you too early just makes it harder to let go if it doesnt work out. feels like youve already thrown your heart in, even if there are things going on in the relationship which need addressing before making such a weighted verbal statement.
http://amberyum.blogspot.com AmberYum

A part of me feels like she should just tell him how she truly feels because life is short. On the other hand the risk of him not feeling the same way or him not expressing it back when you want would totally drive me insane. I'm at a loss. I've never been in this situation.
jaclynsd

That's funny he says he "never been good w/words" but yet he says I love this and I love that and he knows just what to say to your many questions. But he cant say the actual words "I love you." lol I think ol boy is just trying to do the same as you girly. He wants to check if you love him too and maybe hoped you'd say it first. Not sure. But I'm guessing he knows you love him already by your many questions and constant checking...he's got you.

Look I’m no love expert or anything like that but obviously you’re bothered by this, but from an outsider looking in it sounds more like your issue is w/having to hear the actual words. If this guy presents you as his woman and treats you accordingly then not really sure why there’s such a big issue in having to hear actual words. Everyone has something, there are women out here who get “I love yous” like hellos and complain about no actions behind it. Also, ask yourself if the “I love you” will be enough, or will you continue to need more. I don’t know will he then have to propose to you, marry you, or insert next hurtle here to prove his love. =)

It’s time for you to be a big little woman and stop asking for something you’re obviously not getting, or going to get for that matter. Its not a good look after a while mama. If he doesn’t feel like saying it but expresses it then you should do the same. If words don’t mean as much as action then do action. Let such a trivial thing go. But if its that big to you, and he already let you know that he won’t be saying it then you need to decide if your down, or if that’s enough to bounce. Your call, but whatever it is stay true to self and be grown about it when you do it. Like I tell my daughter you should never have to beg for love or affection. Your worth more than that.
Jessica J

You're very right and I should probably let it go. All I know is that I couldn't marry him if he never at least once said "I love you." I guess I just need a confirmation. If he ever proposed down the line, and he hasnt said I love you, I'm going to look at him before I accept the ring and ask him, "Do you love me?" And nine times out of ten, he will probably say the answer he always give me when I ask him a question he thinks I should already know the answer too. "Duh!"
Wmofyr

I hate it when the man says you should already know. Is it really a chore to just say it? Love is a choice, so even if I make him happy that does not mean he knows I'm the one. A man has to say it, I believe. Shout it from the mountains.

And there is no time limit, it could be two month, it could be a year. But are you happy?
Jessica J

Yes I am very happy. Last night I got to the guts up to tell him that I'm falling in love with him. He smiled, dang near blushed, and hug and kissed me. And he said, "I hope you continue to fall for me. And btw, I'm falling for you too." Then we beat each other up that night and about 4 times I acted like I was about to leave and he wouldnt let me and then he held me down and kissed me crazy so I calmed down lol. All In all, it was a good night. I ended up falling for him more.
Wmofyr

That's great news, keep talking to each other, it's better than not talking. And I've always found that sex and the "I love you's" always drove me wild, so I can imagine. Sounds like you both had that reaction.