Should a Woman Buy Her Own Engagement Ring?

0 Posted by - May 4, 2011 - Guest Socks, Relationships, Love & Marriage

Giant engagement ring on woman's lawn

WORDS BY SHANNON

I work in a company where men are the majority and there are few, if any, other women there who don’t have “coffee making” as part of their job duties. With everyone trying to manage the fires started and stoked by the flailing economy, the employees haven’t had much opportunity to meet or get together, so we decided to have a company picnic. Just a way of making sure employees aren’t out of touch with each other and other departments.

Okay, fast-forward to the picnic: There were several employees who announced their engagements, about 14 or so, and of course we had to toast to the happy couples and celebrate the love that is to come. I felt flattered when the ladies invited me out later to bridal showers and luncheons and the like and we hung out as a group and became good friends over time.

I recall a conversation I had with one of them named “Debbie” and she was so excited about her upcoming wedding; she was making all the plans and we stopped for lunch and she showed me her ring. Of course, I was excited and happy for her—I wouldn’t have traded my husband or marriage for anything, even though I miss him—and told her about my marriage and how hard it was for me when I lost him and how happy she was going to be and talked about how much her fiancé must love her to get her such a huge diamond.

Debbie corrected me, saying, “No, Shannon, I picked this out and paid for it myself.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t think I heard you right.”

Debbie looked at me. “I bought my own ring,” she repeated.

“Why,” I asked.

She simply said she wanted to make sure she got a ring she liked and wanted and her fiancé was okay with that. Naturally, I assumed he was going to pay her back. When Debbie told me she wasn’t going to be reimbursed for the cost of her ring, I pressed her about it and asked her if she was sure this was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She got so angry she told me to mind my own business and just shut down for the rest of lunch. That was one outing that didn’t go over so well. I was too shocked to speak and said nothing further.

Over time I learned that out of the 14 engaged ladies, only four of them wore rings actually purchased by the groom. Debbie actually took out a loan on her house to pay for her ring, another used a home equity line of credit, while another maxed out four credit cards to pay for her own ring. There was one who talked her parents into buying her ring, while yet still another actually sold her car to pay for her ring. A few of them took out personal loans to pay for their engagement rings and another saved up for her ring. It amazed me that these women were willing to buy their own engagement rings.

Now, get this, Debbie not only paid for her own ring, she bought her groom a fabulous ring that he picked out and insisted she buy. Some of the other brides had done the same for their grooms. What really galled me was the fact that these men earned hefty salaries and could have purchased the rings themselves, but I don’t wonder about the men so much as I do about the women. I know I’m not privy to what might be going on behind closed doors, but buying your own engagement ring is the line for me. I know I would never have married my husband if I had to buy my own ring.

I realize that things may have changed since I was married, but the last time I checked, isn’t the man supposed to buy the engagement ring? Am I missing something here? I need help understanding this trend.

What are your thoughts on a woman buying her own engagement ring? Does that come off desperate? Or, in these financial times does it make more sense? Ladies, would you break up with a man that suggested you buy your own ring? Would you accept a less expensive ring than the one you wanted if your man couldn’t afford it? Do you think it’s worth it to max out credit cards or take out a loan just to buy an engagement ring? Would you buy a “mangagement” ring for your lover? Fellas, do you think women would look at marriage differently if they were the ones that had to buy the rings? Are you surprised to hear about this trend of women buying their own rings?

Speak your piece…

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  • torontostaar

    hmmm touchy because by asking her if she was certain he was the “one” you made it clear you didnt think so..while i dont think its weird to pick out your own right to ensure you’ll love it forever, buying his ring too? dayum but on the flip side men have been doing this for years, providing alot of financial/material things and we women have only been “emancipated” and have gained independence for far less time so why complain/turn your nose when a woman takes on a responsibility that a man once held, shouldnt we be praising her as being progressive? i find it funny that so many women want to be “independent” and progressive in many areas but when it comes to financial burdens they suddenly become very traditional

  • Naphiri

    I would never buy my own ring… I am recently engaged and the only thing I did was pick out the ring I wanted and he bought it. I feel it’s the man’s responsibility to buy the ring….not the woman.

    • Tosin

      I totally agree with you. I mean i doubt if truly a man would respect a woman for such a thing, It just tells how desperate she is to be a wifeee, ”buying her ring and her grooms”.
      so not cool

  • NaeSoBossy

    Come again?? So in other words these women broke bank just to buy an ENGAGEMENT ring? Wtf about the actual WEDDING RING? Better yet the Wedding and the honey moon??
    I personally would be happy with a regular ol engagement ring it dosent have to be 6figures for me to love it. Just the mere thought of my man proposing to me would leave me on cloud 9, the ring is just a tiny symbol of our love bcuz I know there’s plenty more where that came from.
    So to answer the question NO I would NOT buy my own engagement ring.

  • aceklub

    “Do you think it’s worth it to max out credit cards or take out a loan just to buy an engagement ring?”

    I do not think it is a smart move to max out your credit cards…either gender. To the author of the post, you show that you are not in favor of a woman maxing out her credit card but for some guys, that is what they are doing. Is there the same resistance when the guy has to max out or is that his problem to deal with?

    @torontostaar
    ““i find it funny that so many women want to be “independent” and progressive in many areas but when it comes to financial burdens they suddenly become very traditional ”

    major co-sign on that point.

  • prettypisces

    hmmm I’ve never heard of the girl buying her own ring….if she’s cool w/ it that’s her business; the engagement ring won’t make the marriage

    I think people should keep those details to themselves; the process of getting engaged & married is stressful enough & so is hearing everyone & their moms opinion on how you’re doing it

  • http://thecandyshoppe.wordpress.com Ronnie6676

    I had one friend who purchased her ring in conjuction with her fiance. What she wanted was a bit above his means so she chipped in to get exactly what she wanted. But have never heard of a woman outright buying her own ring. I might be out of the loop because most of my friends are married and have been for years.

    As for myself. I would not purchase my own ring. I don’t even think I would pick it out specifically. I think the ring should be the groom’s way of showing that he has an idea of the personality of his wife to be. A reflection of his thoughts about me. I don’t know if that makes sense. And the cost of the ring really isn’t a factor for me, its more about the love and the marriage in the end.

  • rondav77

    What are your thoughts on a woman buying her own engagement ring?
    Actually, it’s not a bad idea. That way, if the woman decides to end the relationship for some reason, the guy isn’t stuck with a huge bill for a ring that he doesn’t even have.
    Does that come off desperate?
    I wouldn’t say desperate…I’d say determined.
    Or, in these financial times does it make more sense?
    In a way it does. I personally would still buy the ring for my woman.
    Do you think it’s worth it to max out credit cards or take out a loan just to buy an engagement ring?
    Absolutely not. Why go into the marriage with extra debt? Find something that’s beautiful AND affordable.
    Would you buy a “management” ring for your lover?
    What is that? No, thanks. Engagement ring or nothing. I don’t half step.
    Fellas, do you think women would look at marriage differently if they were the ones that had to buy the rings?
    You’re damned right they would. They would have to really sit back and decide if this is the man they want to spend the rest of their life with. And like I stated earlier…if the relationship didn’t work out, the woman wouldn’t get a nice free ring out of the deal. Are they still gonna want that $20,000 ring if they were they ones who had to pay for it?
    Are you surprised to hear about this trend of women buying their own rings?
    Not at all. Women are more determined and independent than ever. The ones who truly want to be married won’t be deterred by the man saying “Baby, I do want to marry you. I just can’t afford a ring right now.” They’re taking the bull by the horns!

  • http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

    If it were me speaking to the co-worker, once she mentioned buying the ring, I wouldn’t have pressed the situation any further. I think it was reaching to ask further questions unless the friendship was deep, and even then I’d be iffy about asking further questions outside of the ring. Questions like that, while they may be necessary, do nothing but frustrate people/situations.

    As far as buying my own engagement ring, don’t think so. I prefer some tradition.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    No, not a management ring LOL. It’s called a MANgagement ring. It’s a term floating around for engagement rings specifically FOR men instead of women. LOL So that question is about whether men should get a pricy engagement ring too, instead of just the wedding band.

  • http://pitchinpennies.blogspot.com ndygo sunshyne

    Buy my own WHAT?!? Not on his life. I had a friend who was getting engaged to her low class baby daddy. They ran up to the mall & she put her own ring on lay-a-way & then paid it off with HER tax return. Mind you, she’s been paying for EH VER REE THANG else in their relationship. Her body paid for their 2 children. Her money pays for all they own. Her money even bought bus tickets for him to go visit some next chick under the guise of “business.” GTFOHWTBS!! I ain’t even got to have an engagement ring, but please believe if you think I should have 1, I think you should buy 1.

  • Lana

    First of all I dont know if Shannon is extremely nosey or these women are too loose lipped but why does she know all of their personal info on how they have paid for these rings! And on top of that she tells Debbie maybe she should reconsider based on a choice that SHE made for herself. I understand being surprised by her
    choices but sometimes we cant go around trying to ‘fix’ peoples choices. I’m not sure if its
    desperation but maybe its impatience that are
    causing these women to take matters into their
    own hands. Personally I would prefer the man
    to buy the ring, a man has to show that he can
    provide and even though its just a piece of
    jewelry it symbolizes his promise to always love
    and cherish his future wife. I don’t have a big fancy ring but I love tht my fiance took the time to pick out the ring that he could afford.

  • http://shareefjackson.com Shareef

    I don’t see the issue here as long as both parties are cool with it.

    Whoever buys it, the ring should be within the limits of of person paying and NOT financed with debt.

  • R.e.D

    This story seems way too far-fetched for me. Out of 14 women, only 4 of their men bought the rings?? Really? So 70% of that population of women are being their own rings?? In which world? I cannot seriously be that out of touch.
    Personally, I don’t want an engagement ring, I just want a real marriage. People focus on the wrong things in life and the older I get, the more I see this. But there is no way in all hell, I would purchase my own ring.

  • R.e.D

    I meant ‘buying’

  • http://www.nwso.net Gemini

    HELL NO! I wouldn’t dare buy my own engagement ring! I was against Chrissy proposing to Jim Jones. If a man wants me to wear it and I’m his choice he should buy it.

  • Lovelyles496

    I think it is desperation that drives women to buy their own engagement rings. Desperation to keep the man as well as out due the next girls ring. I married my high school sweetheart 10 years ago. He purchased my 1/4 ct ( could barely see it and the quality not so great ) but I was so proud of the fact that he loved me enough to go there, now 10 yrs later I have more than 1 1/2 ct total because of upgrades.
    The point is if the love is real it will last no matter the size of the ring, you can always get a “bigger better” ring in the future. It’s not about the ring so don’t go broke to impress others! In my opinion a woman should never buy her own engagement ring there are other pieces of jewelery you can buy for yourself!!!

  • TheChosen

    I would NEVER buy my own ring. I just got engaged three weeks ago and my future hubby didn’t even want me involved with the ring designing process. Heck the whole engagement was a surprise to me, I knew it was coming soon but didn’t know when or what the ring would look like. After a year of being together I showed him what I liked, lucky for me he remembered. I got the perfect ring from the perfect guy and it didn’t cost me a thing.

  • justme

    NO! But after he proposes, two or so years later, I may ask for a larger ring. My money is longer than my man’s and I will be pleasd with whatever he buys, but I might upgrade to a larger karat size later in the marriage.

  • Smilez_920

    I think we should worry more about why these women are focused so hard on an engagement ring. When a man buys you a ring it is a symbol of his love. It not for you to run out and choose that’s what the wedding rings for. I’m sorry but as a husband you are a provider just like me meaning you should provide me with an engagement ring. I would buy man my man one for him to wear also. But to just flat out buy both rings is stupid and to take out loans on your house, life savings or such is childish and shows you how materialistic we are. Women stop spending thousands of dollars you don’t have on a ring to show others. I mean if those women have no problem doing it fine but idk just seem like it’s a bad way to start off a marriage financially, taking out loans for things like a ring. Debbie is a little nosy thought but the other girl didn’t have to tell her all her business.

  • Rastaman

    While I have known women who bought their own engagement rings, I too am too skeptical of the 10 out of 14 having done that or that most people are that forthcoming with that type of info. With that being said, being no fan of engagement rings or having no intention to ever purchase one if I if ever do get married someday, women buying their own engagement ring does not bother me the least. If a woman has her heart set on having one and she is spending her own money, who am I to object. It would seem that having a ring to display may be linked more to social pressure rather than being a symbol of a betrothal. I am sure some guy who may have a few coins may see her buying her own engagement ring has a sign that she is not in it for material gain and she is putting out her money up front.
    We live in a different world these days; women are claiming their independence and with rights come responsibilities. If you are financially independent then you have the right to exercise that independence. I am no advocate of traditions that have nothing but symbolic purpose in today’s world. As someone noted you can’t claim you are traditional if it only applies when it comes to going into your pocket book. But I would be leery of hitching myself to any woman who puts herself in any significant debt for mere trappings whether it be the engagement ring, the wedding or the honeymoon. None of those things make a marriage, they can be great enhancements but in the world I live in people are struggling with serious financial burdens like student loans, variable rate mortgages, slumped incomes and rising costs. I once walked away from a relationship with someone who had their financial priorities askew because I see that as one of those factors that can seriously impact relationships and families sort of like an untreated STI.

  • lorial

    The man is supposed to solidify his commitment beginning with the engagement ring. If a woman has to buy her own ring, she might as well not have one rather than fake the illusion that she’s engaged to her man. Whatcha bet those who bought their own ring will not stay married? The groom got off cheap from the beginning. A woman buying her own engagement ring is desperate just to show off a co-called commitment.

  • MsKaos

    If my guy couldn’t afford an engagement ring, I’d happily go without before I bought it myself. Call me old-fashioned. Honestly, I give the side-eye to women who insist on picking out their own e-ring too, but that’s just me. Kinda takes all the romance out of the process when nothing is left to him…because we all know that those same men will only be a an honored guest at the wedding itself.

    Mortgaging my house, selling my car, liquidating the 401K for an e-ring…uh, hell no! I also wouldn’t want my hubby-to-be to go to those lengths to buy me an e-ring either. People put way too much emphasis on the material and not the marriage itself. I do have an e-ring that my husband picked out and purchased all on his own–and I love it, but the wedding band is a way more important symbol than the e-ring, IMO.

  • Smilez_920

    Bet you michealle Obama aint buy her own ring lol.. sorry but their the best example of black love in the public eye we have and she rode with him from rags to riches…:) from little e-ring to BIG e-ring

  • http://realestdudeintheroom.com Sean

    As a man, I would run for the hills if a woman wanted to not only pick out her ring but also pay for it. The warning signs are all there and this man should not be surprised when his woman is unhappy with gifts that he is able to provide and he should not be surprised when he finds himself in a relationship with a domineering, materialistic control-freak.

    SM
    realestdudeintheroom.com

  • Deka

    I think engagement rings are the biggest waste of time. So BS, connecting love to material objects. I’m all for a wedding band that seems more appropriate and makes sense.

  • http://www.jessica-rodriguez.com JessyRod

    The point of engagement rings is it’s symbolic of the promise your future spouse makes in wanting to build a life, family (if you so choose to) together. Buying your own ring means you’re promising yourself you will do all of those things. Ahem. Last time I checked, talking to yourself? Not a good look.

  • Supergirl

    I’m sorry I understand how everyone feel about this subject but I guess I like tradition, because when a man asks me to marry him I except for there to already be a ring. The ring doesn’t have to be expensive but something to show that you know what I like and that you care enough to come correct and not half step. Now when it’s time to get the wedding band set I think that should be something that both parties should contribute too.

  • Steven Fance

    The funny thing is, times are changing and more so in favor of the brides when it comes to engagements and weddings. The question should be “who proposed?”. I ask this because in my mind whoever proposes should be responsible for the engagement ring. I am confident out of the women who bought their own ring, most of them proposed to the men. It’s taboo for a man not to pay for the engagement ring, but traditionally the brides family is suppose to be paying for the wedding and the grooms family is suppose to be paying for the honeymoon….. Which in most cases the groom is paying for at least half of the wedding if not all. And honestly whatever works for the couple is their business.

  • R.e.D

    You know, I don’t understand why it is so difficult for people to get that even as an independent woman, financially and otherwise, a woman still likes to be treated….well..like a woman.

    Yes, I want you to buy my engagement ring. I want you to open the door for me, to change my tire if I have a flat, to give me your chair so that I can sit down b/c my 5-inch heel is killing me, to wake up in the morning and cook breakfast sometimes, or be the driver-even though it is my car.
    Why, if I want these things does that make me ‘dependent?’

    In marriage, even in relationships, I have no problem splitting the bills, the mortgage, the school loans, car payments etc. But gosh darn it, I like to be wined and dined too. That does not make me any less independepent, it just makes me a woman.

  • http://shareefjackson.com Shareef

    I agree with you, but I didn’t always. Let me share with you my thought process when I was younger:

    It’s difficult to understand because a lot of those things you mentioned didn’t come from a time when women were honored, but from a time when women were seen as frail, weak, and an accessory to a man. It seems like you’re trying to re-purpose those things into a meaning that they didn’t derive from.

    Now that I found the woman of my dreams, whatever makes her happy makes US happy (same with her making me happy), so I will do those things that you listed.

  • Juanita

    See this is why so many of today’s marriages fail within the first 5 years; to much emphasis is being placed on the ring & the festivities surrounding the wedding. No one should go into debt for something as frivolous as a ring. So to answer the question, no I would not buy my own ring; I would love and cherise whatever ring my honey picked out for me. YOU MARRY THE MAN NOT THE RING.

  • rondav77

    Forgive me, I responded to this post pretty early in the morning. So I didn’t read the word correctly…LOL…Well, I wouldn’t want a ‘mangagement” ring. Some women like to pop off at the mouth, and I wouldn’t want a woman to be able to say, “gimme back my ring ni**a!” Just knowing the woman truly loves me would be enough. By the way, keep doing your thing, bro…NWSO is the ish! I love to write, too…I may submit a blog to you one day!

  • Rastaman

    I think they have a name for that: “have one’s cake and eat it.”
    I am independent but I want to be treated like the women of the past who were more dependent. Are you also entitled to decide when the man should not treat you like a “woman”?
    Can he tell you not to go anywhere unaccompanied; not to be in the company of men to whom you are not related or decide what clothes you should wear or decide how the household financial are done without your input?
    You see for some men that is how you treat a woman. Or you just want to be treated like how you think a “woman” should be treated?

  • Tai

    If it’s okay to buy the ring you might as well propose also (Chrissy/luvandhiphop)! There’s a difference in independence and just plain crazy. That’s the problem today women are taking up the mans role instead of letting a man be a man. A real man wouldn’t want his women to buy her own ring and if he allows you to do so you should be worried. Men (people)will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. And heck no, I’m not buying my own ring I personally would feel foolish even considering such mess.

  • Tai

    Wow, that’s interesting that your cool with it. Are you cool with the women proposing and being the head of the household also?????

  • -_-

    I’m not one to make the determination of whose responsibility it is to buy the ring. However, I feel it’s kind of amusing that when it comes to purchasing an engagement ring there is so much “symbolism” attached to it. Which quite frankly is bullshit, sorry.

    Also, I’m interested to know what women expect there money to go toward in a marriage? If the man is supposed to buy the ring to show that his able to be a “provider” what the hell is it that y’all ponying up your money to pay for???

    Like it was mentioned earlier, it’s funny how independence is thrown by the wayside once finances are brought up in regards to a relationship (marriage) between a man and woman.

  • Tai

    Thank you!!!!You said it better than I could have, no really you read my mind! What’s so hard to understand……I DON’T need you to do these things for me I would LIKE you to because it’s the way I would like to be treated. If I have everything when me meet: house, car, job, great credit, etc….why is it because I expect you to handle your business with me a certain now I’m no longer independent.How is that possible when I still have the same drive and determination I had before I meet you. (Moral of the story-we all must find someone that works well with us and vice versa)

  • Tai

    My response was to R.e.d,Thanks again!!!!!

  • BrownSuga

    I dont know about buying my own ring. I think it should be a ring that the man gives when he proposes. I do have a cousin who was offended when his girl didnt like the ring he bought her. He told her that if the marriage he would add to the ring, but he wasnt going into debt to buy a ring now and pay for a wedding. She went out and bought her own ring instead and he resended the proposal. He said that if his ring was not good enough for her, then he probably wasnt either. They dated a little while after that and eventually broke up. He married his next girlfriend. At their fifth anniversary they renewed their vows and he ungraded her ring.

    I think having that kind of discord over a ring is a sign about how things will be handled in the marriage. If she doesnt agree she’ll go do whatever she wants. Will the resent this later? If so it will be their own fault for putting the “Joneses” before your relationship. So many people are living above their means trying to keep up with the videos and movie stars. Be realistic and having a good marriage > big ass ring and debt.

  • R.e.D

    @Shareef- I can understand where you are coming from. I am also happy that once you found the woman you feel you were meant to be with, that you actually want to see her happy and are ok with doing such things.

    @Rasta- why am I not surprised that you disagree with me. There seems to never be a time when your response to me is one of assent, but alas, I digress.
    You can call it having my cake and eating it too all you want, but look at the examples you gave versus the ones I gave. Your examples all list a man TELLING me what to do. My examples cited men doing things for me- out of love and respect, no less. You see sir, there is a huge discrepancy in such things when dealing with matters of the heart. And of the things you pointed out, you are very correct in one sense: Some men do feel as though that is the way to treat their women. I don’t date such men, so I’ve never had that problem. This just reminds me of how you didn’t get my point about a man taking control versus one trying to control me. I don’t suspect you will get my point here either, but so be it.

    And don’t get it twisted, all I want is for a man to treat my in the same manner in which I treat him. Yes, we go about showing this in varying ways, b/c inherently men and women are different creatures, but nonetheless, I want to be treated like a queen as I would treat you like my king. And this, Rastaman, surpasses all the rules of ‘Independence vs dependence’ by leaps and bounds.

    @Tai-Thank you ma’am!

  • QuoteMan

    As progressive and novel as this sound, I for one don’t condone any woman buying her own ring. Suffice it to say that if a dude cannot afford the ring, he’s not ready for what’s to come. As a word to the wise, ladies, don’t start some shit you can’t finish. Maybe it’s my foolish pride or perhaps my male ego, but as a man, I should be the one buying the ring. There’s a time and an event for one to display their independence, and this ain’t one.

    On a side note, I don’t see how plausible this whole story is anyways. Considering that, these men earn hefty salaries, yet their women are maxing out their credit cards, selling their cars and ruining their mortgage. Not just one, two or three women doing this but 10? and they all happen to work in the same place? How ironic……… #NotBuyingIt. Even Tyler Perry couldn’t conjure up this for a movie. Smh

    Btw, It’s been a minute…………

  • http://theworldoftiffany.wordpress.com Tiffany

    Yeah, marrying the man that buys the ring.

  • http://theworldoftiffany.wordpress.com Tiffany

    No~blank stare~

  • Rastaman

    Calling crap manure don’t change what it is darling.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    All good, homie. Appreciate the support and the submission.

  • Larry

    I believe the direct quote was, “as long as both parties are cool with it”, implying he would be fine only if she is fine with the situation. I’m going to assume the same would go for the proposing and woman being head of the household. If both parties are cool with that then so be it, but if not then so be that as well.

  • Larry

    Call me crazy, but I believe commitment to the relationship should well be solidfied before purchasing any ring or getting married. The ring should just be a symbol of said commitment that is already established. As far as those who bought their own ring and not staying married…I’d say, like most of america, they have a 50% chance. And the reason for divorce won’t have anything to do with who bought what.

  • Anna N.

    I wouldn’t buy my own ring. I dropped hubby some hints (color of band and shape of diamond) and then left the matter alone. And I’m glad I did, because he got me a much (much) nicer ring than I would have ever picked for myself. The e-ring isn’t the end all/be all of a relationship, but it demonstrated for me that 1) he took my wishes into account 2) he makes me a priority (brothas kill me when they moan about the cost of a ring but don’t realize they spend twice that amount a year on games/sneakers/gadgets/etc.) 3) he can handle his money. No maxed out credit cards or loans. When he realized he wanted to marry me he started putting some money to the side.

    I would just feel like we were starting our life on weird footing if I purchased my ring. To each his/her own, though.

  • Victoria

    Women buying their own engagement rings?!?!?! That’s NONSENSE!

    MANagement rings?!?!?! MORE NONSENSE!

    Clearly materialism is taking over the importance of having healthy relationships…
    Why I think its a beautiful thing and okay for women to have their independence and take care of themselves (I do)…if we’re not careful we’re going to have some serious issues when it comes to having promising relationships that could lead to marriage.
    INDEPENDENCE can lead to CONTROL which is detrimental and buying your own ring is showing that things must be your way or the highway and then turning around and buying him a ring is even worse. No one can convince me that a man in his right mind who wants to be the head of his household is okay with that.
    I am a firm believer in letting a Man be a Man and women have to be willing to relinquish control (not all their independence) but control…There’s a time and place for that.

    If he wants to spend the rest of his life with me then he needs to ask me and their needs to be something that seals the promise.

    I THINK ITS SAFE TO SAY I WILL NOT BE BUYING MY OWN ENGAGEMENT RING

  • http://shareefjackson.com Shareef

    R.e.D. thanks for the response. You’re exactly right, I’m ok to do those things to make her happy. BUT, there are some women that don’t care about such things, and that does not make her any less of a woman. Similarly there are men that don’t care – that doesn’t make them any less of man. It just means that they will never be able to date women that require that, which is find. It’s simply about how you are raised and what you deem acceptable, not some innate sense of manhood or womanhood.

  • Flowy Mitchell

    @R.e.D. thank you even me at 19 I think people are focusing on the completely wrong things you have no idea wat the man did overall for the wedding and for them to just buy a ring….just a ring then i see no problem in it so wat if you buy the ring is he treating u bad, always making u upset, not caring or loving you? If he’s doing all those and making u buy a ring then yea fuk that but if its true love as it should be then one sacrifice isnt gonna determine the millions of sacrifices in marriage. Dam at 19 years old I wonder is love between a man and woman THIS linear in society? I hope not…

  • R.e.D

    @Rasta: It’s amazing when someone disagrees with your perspective, their opinion is not just criticized, but suddenly becomes animal excrement.
    The not-so-subtle disrespect whenever you reply is very unbecoming. Won’t take it personally of course, b/c we don’t know each other.

    @Shareef: Yeah I know all women don’t want or need that, and of course it doesn’t make her any less woman.I was definitely not alluding to any such thing.

    Enjoy the weekend.

  • R.e.D

    You, me and half the sock-head population just ain’t buying this story. Our host should’ve switched the numbers up even though it wasn’t his piece…just for credibilty’s sake. But the concept was an interesting one

  • R.e.D

    Glad that you see alot of folks primary focus is in the wrong place, even from 19 yrs old…

  • Hadiya

    NEVER HEARD OF SUCH FOOLISH BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! IF ALL HE COULD AFFORD IS A BRASS RING, I WOULD WEAR IT BUT NEVER WOULD I HAVE BOUGHT MY OWN! WHAT TYPE OF MAN WOULD ALLOW THAT?…

    • frag_girl

      AMEN.

    • Marie

      I’m a relatively modern gal with a bit of a traditionalist streak. I would personally rather go half-way with everything in our relationship, but he makes a lot more money than I do currently so I can’t do that nearly as much as I would like. My guy is actually more traditional than me and wants to buy my ring of course. I know he would -never- ask me to contribute financially to my ring, so I’d have to offer directly, but I wouldn’t mind chipping in a bit to help out since the woman’s ring is a lot more than the guy’s. I wouldn’t pay more than half though (probably not even that much) because a) he would probably feel weird about that, and b) it is a gift from him to me, not me to myself!
      I think a lot of women who want to completely buy their own rings so that it is “perfect” but put too much importance on that, and not what it means (not intentionally of course). It can be easy in this day and age to be tempted to take complete control over every single detail of it so everything is “just right” instead of it being something that both of you had a hand in, and means something to both of you.

  • kat

    Yes,women are more independent and self-supporting.But a lot of women seem to confuse that with having to have the last word,make all the decisions an not being able to let their boyfriend take responsibility?
    Come on,it s the man you want to spent your life with and you won t
    let him get the engagement ring?That signals that he won t have any saying in the marriage as well.

    The engagement ring is supposed to be a symbol of the commitment and love,it was especially important in former times.Because a woman,who was left by her husband-to-be, had the possibility to claim some kind of compensation.And the engagement ring was the proof.

    I personally like the idea of having an engagement ring but it s nonsense if you re gonna get married 3 weeks later.I want my man to pick the engagement ring.It s supposed to express what he thinks about me and us.

    I honestly can t believe that women are not only picking their rings but are also paying for them.If I was a man I would feel emasculated in some way.

    If she doesn t trust him with picking a ring she likes , how can she trust him with her life?Cause that s what you kinda do when you get married.

    Maybe those are women who are getting married just for the sake of being married and those marriages never last.

  • Flowy Mitchell

    @kat
    1.So you say that since the man didnt pick the ring he wont have any say in the marriage. Then is it not the same for a woman if a man DID pick it out

    2.We’re not in former times though we have prenuptials (if filled out right) and court cases. Besides if a man is left by his wife-to-be is he gonna be left with just a bad investment?

    3. ……Trust him with your LIFE? A ring…and your LIFE? A lot of things shouldn’t determine eternal trust but are you saying that a ring does? I wouldn’t even ask a woman to marry me based on if she thinks that way personally.

  • kat

    1.It is tradition that the man buys and picks the ring for the woman.It s symbolic.Because women are usually those who express their emotions more often and are moe open about them.And he can also woo her with the ring.

    2.In the last centuries the usual way was that the man supported the family and the wifes took care of the household,kids and social events.Yes,nowaday we have prenups,but they weren t common in former times.And if she left her husband-to-be he could sell the ring.Some women also slept with their husbands to-be befre the wedding and if he left her before the marriage she could expect a compensation for the loss of her virginity.

    3.I did not mean that the trust is based on the ring.But if you marry someone you kinda trust them with your life, because that person is going to have a huge influence on your life – bad and good ones.You can t weasel out that easy.I meant that if she doesn t trust him to pick a ring she likes how can she trust him with anything else?Because the ring is just a symbol,it s not that important in the end.So if she doesn t think he can t handle something like that (meaning:easy,small) how could he possibly handle living with her and also making decisions etc. in accordance with her?

  • Baribone14

    I think that this is crazy. Its backwards. Maybe Im old school but a man should be the one providing the ring. If I am dating a woman buys her own ring I dont think I could be with her. There are just somethings you just let a man do and this is one of them. If she is buying me the ring makes me feels like she is rushing me and if she is rushing me is she truely the one? The saying is a man should seek the woman.

    • Kel

      Why can’t a woman seek a man? Could it be possible for a woman to feel rushed if her man buys her a ring before she’s truly ready? Would that even matter in the same way, under that mindset?
      I’m not trying to argue or anything, just playing devil’s advocate, I guess.

  • Carriebledsoe

    I don’t think this situation is odd at all. Yes, we are in the 20th century people, things work differently now. Of course its shocking but a woman may feel more secure and comfortable to purchase her own ring. She may want a certain design or diamond… only she will know what she truly wants. Also, in a financial crisis, maybe her husband has been laid off or ill, then in this case she’d have to purchase her own ring as well. Now I’m not sure about emptying my entire bank account just to afford it, I would just wait until my money is perfect and then go out and purchase the ring.

    • pam

      We are in the 21st century, btw.

  • BladanMac

    I dated a woman and we had talked about getting married and all that kind of stuff.  I never proposed to her, I didnt have the funds to buy her a ring, nor did I have the credit to finance it.  While we where walking thru the mall after dinner one evening we walked into a jewelry store, “Just to look around”. 
     She ended up buying a ring/rings, mine as well, on a credit card that she established thru the jewelry store that night.  I have never even proposed to her nor did I before we split up.  She even made the comment to the jewelry store that all I have to do know is propose so she can wear the ring.
    Within thirty days after that we split up.  She called the jewelry store to try and take back the rings.  The one she bought for me she could have taken back.  The one she bought for herslef, she cannot they said, due to resizing and the fact that it was on clearance.  She is now saying that she is going to sue me, to pay for the ring that she bought on her credit card.  She believes that I should pay for the ring, even though I never propsed to her.  Sure we talked about getting married, sure I agreed that I would like to if things worked out between us, but I never proposed. 
    I didnt feel right about agreeing to the ring purchases, being put on the spot, but I did not propose and dont feel as though I am liable to pay for them at all.
    Does anyone know if I am legally obligated to pay her for the rings?

    • Anonymous

      I’m no expert on the legality of a failed engagement (or a fictional one) but from what I know, in most cases the ring is generally the property of the man until the marriage is officiated-BUT that’s under the belief that he bought the ring. In your case, not only didn’t you buy it, you didn’t even propose. So with that said, that’s like her buying a pair of shoes to go to a party you didn’t invite her too. While it’d be nice if you paid her back or at least half, it isn’t your obligation IMHO because you didn’t invite her or give any verbal indication that she should buy the ring under the belief of a marriage being a result. Even if you did for some reason wind up paying for the ring, I believe that would then make you the owner of it not her. So she better just stick with her purchase and enjoy her own bling.

      good luck

  • Sas

    I think they can do whatever they want. Traditionally the man is suppose to work and the woman stays home to raise kids. Well I dont subscribe to that tradition. Financial comments such as a wedding ring, wedding budget, and honeymoon cost are shared these days. 

  • Latenitetv

    “how much her fiancé must love her to get her such a huge diamond”  Really?  It’s about the size of the diamond?

    It’s none of your business who bought whose ring.  I don’t know why you’d even say something like that to a newly engaged person.  What if the couple decided not to do engagement rings?  Could you even wrap your brain around who buys rings in homosexual couples?  Heavens to Betsy!

  • Irma

    I have three wedding rings and didn’t like them. I was divorced and kept them but never bothered to wear them again( 20 years).  This time I mentioned to my husband when he proposed that if he loved me the ring didn’t matter just that he promised to spend our lives together until we grew old.  He proposed with a thin diamond wedding band, then he said I could chose the ring I wanted for the wedding day!  I decided to design one, from a great diamond set I had purchased for my birthday(prior) and we picked the center stone together and had it mounted.  Its beautiful and significant, people stop me and are amazed! However, it’s my engagement ring I wear everyday ( diamond band) and it reminds me of the true love we share.  Simplicity in its fullest and for the first time a ring that I enjoy wearing.  Oh the best thing is I saved lots of money this way and had a big beautiful wedding for the first time!  God is good…

  • Katie

    I don’t think it’s so absurd for a woman to pay for her own ring… After all, she’s the one wearing it.
    The tradition of a man paying for a ring dates back to a time where men were the money makers. As women’s salaries more closely approach men’s, I think it makes less sense for a man to be the sole buyer of the ring.
    In my situation, my husband and I were both working to obtain PhDs, so neither of us had much money at the time of our engagement. Despite his protests, I insisted on paying for half of my own ring.  I think that worked best for us, and I actually like that it was the first major purchase we made together.

  • Jake

    No, of course it’s crazy. Women should be given jobs like men but men should still pay for everything the way they used to.

  • Golddiggers

    Gold diggers, gold diggers everywhere

  • lori

    my boyfriend has been laid off and financially can’t afford a ring right now. My choice was to wait until he finds a job to get engaged, but at this point who knows how long that will be. some may say dump him if he has no job, but when it comes to better or worse, i wouldn’t leave him in a marriage for losing his job so why would i now? i love him, for better or worse, richer or poor. sure i may be the breadwinner at this point so i am forking over money for my ring, but he paid for 1/2 of it. so i figure he will pay me back when he is able. once we are married it will all be our money anyway so i don’t see the issue. was it how i imagined long ago? no, i never thought i would be the bread winner or that i would fall in love with a man who didn’t have the money to buy me the ring i want. i am desigining the ring using my mom and grandma’s rings, so that has saved us some money. it’s more about the sentimental value to me anyway.

  • lori

    and if i really wanted him to pay for the ring, sure he could afford a cheap ring and buy it for me but i wouldn’t like it, so i would rather fork over some of the money to get a ring i want and will love to wear every day til death do us part.

  • Kit

    It mightn’t be the way things were done when we were younger, but neither was making the sort of personal comments that Shannon made – “When Debbie told me she wasn’t going to be reimbursed for the cost of
    her ring, I pressed her about it and asked her if she was sure this was
    the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.”

  • Gemma

    I think if the woman is more well off and wants an extravagant ring then she should pay if she would not be happy with what the man can afford. If my future husband couldn’t afford a ring I would be happy with a $100 ring. It’s the proposal that matters not the ring. Fair enough if they want. To save together to but the ring but I don’t think a woman should pay. It seems very desperate if the future husband have decent jobs and they are getting into debt. Did any of those marriages work out?

  • SadStonesFanVp

    I have been married for 5 mos. I bought my own wedding ring and my husband NEVER gave me an engagement ring at all. I was and am so hurt and disappointed. We got married in Oct. but no ring, then Xmas, but no ring, then Valentines Day but no ring, finally it was my birthday and still no ring. When I asked him about it finally he said he just never thought about it. Real thoughtful and sensitive, huh? Since we’ve gotten married he’s gotten a pewter flask, a new watch on my birthday, a diamond ring I gave him for his pinky finger, and a beautiful diamond ring for his retirement that took me 6 mos. to pay off. Do I feel hurt? Yeah. And this man is an attorney and still couldn’t figure it out. Ladies, doing well in school and having a career isn’t everything…get a man that is considerate and thoughtful.