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6 Married Men Confess – Before I Said ‘I Do’ I Wish I Did…

Posted by NWSO • May 26, 2011 • Printer-friendly

I feel like conversations about marriage oftentimes happen among people that are still single. With that in mind I started my Why I Got Married series where I allow people who actually jumped the broom to share their stories on the realities of being man and wife.

In that same vein I wanted to anonymously pick the brains of a few of my married male friends to find out the realities of being hitched. The fellas gave me some interesting (and in some cases similar) responses. So much in fact that I had to break them up in to a few different entries. The first question that the guys answered was: What was the one thing(s) you wish you got to do before you got married and why?

“I got married young, I was 21 years old and probably haven't experienced a lot in the grand scheme of things. I have zero regrets, but before I got married it would’ve been dope to have a threesome with two women. I know that's the cliché male fantasy, but it would've been cool to try that. At the end of the day it's no big deal, though, and doesn't consume my thoughts, but if there was one thing I would've done before getting married it would be that. Otherwise, I'm pretty much fulfilled.”

—Mr. Young Love, married 12 years

“A foursome. I'm a man, why wouldn't I want to try that out?”

—Mr. Newlywed, married 2 years

“F*ck a Puerto Rican chick. Just kidding...sorta. The one thing I wish I got to do before I got married was have an adult sex life. I got married at 23 so perhaps I am making more of this than is actually there. It seems like adults (let's say over 28 for men, 26 for women?) finally mature to a point where the misconceptions of youth disappear and all of a sudden there are two lanes—sex and partner. I was going to continue with my guesses about dating and meeting people as an adult, but that's the whole point, I don't know what it's like. And while I know it cannot be as fun and glamorous as I imagine it is, I bet you singles get to do some fun shit that I'll never know about or experience.”

—Mr. Curious, married 7 years

“One thing? Two(+) girls. I never did it and it's the one thing I'm pretty sure will NEVER happen.”

—Mr. Committed, married 4 years

“Lived abroad (in several countries for an extended period). Marriage literally ‘locks you down’ to a locale and while living abroad was a dream, I gave it up when I married—knowing in advance my wife was not interested in moving abroad.”

—Mr. International, married 11 years

“Straight up, there's nothing I wish I had done. I got married at 34 purposely, to get it all out of my system. There were specific experiences I wanted in terms of sexual variety: a girl with dreadlocks, a White girl, an Asian girl, a ménage-à-trois… I had done all that and was ready to settle down at 34. I'm guessing the most popular response is to have sex with a certain ex one last time, and I even managed to do that: bending her over in a trendy bar bathroom in SoHo one night. Like I said, no regrets.”

—Mr. Satisfied, married 6 years

Where you surprised by any of the married men’s responses? Do you think it’s true that every man’s fantasy is to be with more than woman? Would you be upset if your spouse fantasized about a ménage-a-trois? Based on the responses do you think it’s better to get married earlier or later in life? Would you prefer your spouse get all of their sexual fantasies out of the way before getting married or to explore some of them with you? What is one thing (if any) you wouldn’t be willing to sacrifice for marriage? Any husbands or wives that would like to add their responses to the question of the day? What do you think of this series allowing a peak into the mind of a married man? Are you looking forward to the next installment? What else would you like to know?

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Tagged as: cold feet, Marriage/Love, menage-a-trois

krystllyght

I'm not at all surprised by these responses. I think most men carry these threesome fantasies and it wouldn't bother me if my hubby does too. Would actually make me laugh. I got married at twenty so I suppose there are a lot of things I missed out on but the top thing I wish I'd done is try being single and independent.
MetLifeSnoopy

Why do men get married or into relationships if they just want to sleep around with multiple women?
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

For the same reason(s) women get married or into relationships. I think it's unfair and exaggerated to infer that based on these men's responses that all men want to sleep with multiple women or don't have a need to be in relationships/marriages.

I asked them all a "what if.." question and they provided their answer(s). It's a fantasy for some and actually seems more like some bucket list item that they scratched off because they've committed themselves to one woman but if they were single they would have liked to partake in a group affair.

I'm sure the same goes for people who have kids (Married or not) where they wish they had done certain things before becoming parents (.e. travel the world) because kids become your priority and like Mr. International said a spouse and kids kinda locks you down. I don't take that as a negative, just if things were different I'd explore these things/fantasies, but my life is different by choice and my plans adjust accordingly

My take.

PS

I've always wondered what your screen name meant?
http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

Im not surprised by any of it. Majority of men (and people in general i guess) put way too much emphasis on sex and the sex they are not getting. What actually surprised me is that one response had to do with traveling rather than sex lol.
As for when to get married, i think its a case-by-case thing. It really depends on what you want your marriage to be like. Yes i think that if you plan on "sowing your oats" you need to get that outta your system before you get married but i think that some of life's adventures can happen after you say "I Do" I think people get so caught up in "omg, when i get married thats the end of life" that they decide to put it off until they've done every fun/adventurous thing possible. Personally i look forward to traveling, going out, etc with my spouse.
http://shareefjackson.com Shareef

I'm surprised at the amount of mentions of threesomes, foursomes, whatever. It's never been that big of a deal with my friends and I.

I got married at 25, and I hadn't achieved all of my goals yet - but I got married because I knew my wife would be cool with me achieving the goals. Travel is an example - we've taken several trips separately because the other one couldn't work it into their schedule. Since its an important goal, we make it work.
justme

Not surprised by any responses, but the underlying factor that I hear is: Experience life first. Older individuals (30+) who get married later in life are often happier and less lilely to divorce (according to research) because we have experienced life, we have sown wild oats, we have made great mistakes, and we have did things that we thought we wanted to do when in actuality after we did it, we were nonetheless happier. Once you experience life, you know who you are, you know what you want, you know what you will not tolerate, you know somethings in life won't make you happy, even though you think they will. Learn who you are in totallity and what you want before you get married. And truthfully speaking, that usually happens as you get older!
Wmofyr

I think the men saying 3 somes mean they have the same feelings and curiosities that single men have. And the ones that did not date much were curious about all the sexual freedom out there. But the guy who did it all before marriage, had all that, but still wanted a wife.

Even if they had done those things maybe there personalities would have lead them back to getting married before 30 I think; or maybe they could have become hopeless or bitter on finding the right person.
http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

Those responses from the mean are as surprising as water is wet. Cool topic though.
http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

Sorry, men. (Merge that with my initial response if you can, please.)
Wmofyr

These men are married 7 and 14 years. They sound happy. Fantasies are not really something people want to act out. Sex with someone who loves you is much much different than a stranger.

Women have fantasies. But I don't really hold that up as something on a bucket list. It's a curiosity.
Rastaman

Whether it is 3somes, 4somes or one right after the other men are going to fantasize about having sex with women other than the one they are with, it’s in our DNA, I believe. I just experience something which taught me that sex takes up more of some men’s lives than I thought was possible. And if they married, single or dating can get the opportunity to fulfill those fantasizes a majority would jump on it in a NY minute.
I am guessing even the fella who talked about how marriage limited his opportunity to travel or live abroad was probably in the back of his mind fantasizing about foreign women, he saw as exotic. It would be nice if folks could get their sex fantasies addressed before they commit to marriage but that will probably never be the case. I think what we have to understand that while fantasizes may be left unfulfilled, proclivities need to be addressed. Certain acts and behaviors some folks fantasize about are not something they can always suppress. So their partners may want to create an atmosphere when these things can be expressed.
It is always good to take a peek into the mind of the married. Most of my friends are married or have been married and I tease them all the time that what they keep telling me about their marriages are not selling me on the institution. If anything it makes me more wary but I also believe all relationships are unique as different people bring a different dynamic to it. So I hold out hope that if and when I do make that commitment, I will probably be too damn old to have not done anything I fantasized about. LOL
TJ

I appreciate you openning this subject up to us. None of the responses provided were surprising.

I believe it's a good thing to marry after the 20's for both genders. There is an opportunity for understanding independence and really becoming aware of yourself during that period. The chance to develop goals and have something to offer a partner can be more substantial from the 30's and upward.
Smilez_920

this is perfectly normal they were just expressing their should woulda coulda's people do that all the time they never siad they were not happy with thier choice. Single ppl do this as well look at the path not taken. It's human nature as long as their not so gun hoe on it that it ruins their marriage its cool.
Kay

I think I prefer waiting until Im really ready. I thought I was ready with my childrens father but I wasnt I didnt even know who I was and what I wanted out of life..I had my first child at 22 so I though marriage was appropriate.. but you live and you learn, now that Im going to be the big 30 this year, Im more established and most of my goals are accomplished and I think Im ready to be committed for the rest of my life.. now all I need is a mate.. LOL Good day everyone.
jaclynsd

Not really surprised by the answers. I’ve always believed for men and women…20somthings have NO business being married or/and having children. Being that I was both married and had a child at such a young age made me realize you have a lot of regrets and a lot of “wish I could of done this or that.”You really feel old before your time. I remember feeling 40ish before I was even 23.

I guess Mr. Satisfied proved me right, it’s always best to get it out your system…especially for men. I think (and this is just a theory) that’s why most men cheat because they either married to soon or/and way too young.

Loved the series and welcome more impute from men.

One of my question would be why do some men feel pressured to marry either by their family, friend, society when they know they just weren’t made/built for marriage? Then they go and step out on their wives all the time, or just accept a miserable existence. That’s something I just don’t get.
Slickster

As a 31 yr old male in a solid relationship, carefully scrutinizing the idea of marriage, I will say that the idea of NOT being in a relationship comes up more often than I'm comfortable with. Maybe its what other people have said about the "grass being greener" but also because of something I've personally noticed among my committed friends.

It seems that when men are single its a crap shoot. We chase down women, catch some etc. But i find that often, now that I'm in a relationship i have women approaching ME. Which is the cruelest of life jokes. Where were these women when i was single? Is the idea of a man capable of maintaining a relationship simply more attractive to women?

When I think about the times ive been shot down when i was single vs what comes much more easily now that im with my lady, it really makes me wonder what it would be like to satisfy those urges. Like i said, cruel. I co sign with Rastaman in that perhaps we will never "get it out of our system"
da ThRONe

Hi

My name is Tron. I will be getting married in 16 days#OHMYFUCKINGGOD#. And I to regret the fact that I have never had a 3some(or 4some).
http://www.Shakeerafrazer.com shakeera

.I am suprised by the number of men that said they wanted a threesome and foursome etc. I am. 27 yrs old in a committed relationship and seriously thinking about marriage I would be completely satisfied feeling like I got everything out of my System and I think my partner would too. You have still allow eachother to be themselves have a life and reach their goals. Have fun together. If these things are in place I don't think there will be regrets. The grass always seems greener on the other side and its not.
da ThRONe

No offense intended but are you male or female? Can't really tell buy names(even though I'm leaning female).
Slickster

@jaclynsd

I hear you for sure. But there must be something to it if so many men step out on their partner. We are all responsible for our own actions, so I don't want to blame biology but it seems a common pattern to have women be much more content with a long committed relationship than men. It seems a common pattern for men to have this desire for other women. I often question whether biologically we are even meant to be in a monogamous relationship for life.

To answer your question as to why men DO make that jump, I'd say its for the common reasons. To have children, to have a family. I would be curious to examine how happy men are in societies where multiple wives and families are more common. If sneaking around sort of loses its "mischeivous appeal" does it make for a happier sexual existence? Food for thought.
MetLifeSnoopy

MetLife is a dental insurance broker and Snoopy, the Peanuts character is their mascot.
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

“I know, but what’s that gotta do with you? LOL. You must love that dental plan. LOL ”
sunshyne84

I was surprised there wasn't anything else listed besides sex, but I guess stuff like travel or whatever can be done within a marriage.
Wmofyr

Statistics actually say that the men are happier than the women in marriages. And some men are more successful when they have someone to go home to.

But to each their own. No one knows what's right for me, and I don't know what's write for the next person. I am guessing if one makes excuses not to get married, then they are either not in love, or are just not one who should get married in the next year or two.

A lot of times when I hear singles say they don't want to do this or that, or deal with this type or that, re: a love interest... it's because they are not currently in love. Once someone is in love, they are less likely to judge (as a deal breaker) type of car, height, weight, or even income (unless the bills are not paid). Those things become small. The big things become how one is treated in the relationship, the love and intimacy shared, etc.
Princess Key

I am sooo unsurprised by these responses at all. I backed up from several serious relationships because I felt like they had not experienced life and what it had to offer them on their own. I have spoken to several of them after our relationships ended and they honestly appreciated what I did for them and they are very happy, that makes me happiest. At my age I've conquered more things than most people my age and I would not want to steal the person I love the most of their own personal life experiences.
Wmofyr

I'm reading all the post talking about experiencing life and all that. And I totally don't get it. There are a lot of things to experience, crime, drugs, crazy sex with multiple partners. But do we really want to be in stuff like that. And all the other stuff one can still do with their partner. Traveling, hanging out, even partying can be done with a partner. Maybe it's my age, thirties. I just don't get it.

But I do understand some just may not want to be married at a point in their life, because they would have to make collective decisions and one should have to be ready for compromise; otherwise, the less dominant or less employable person may think they get the short end, unless they don't mind the following.

But it's hard to follow if the guy/gal is not very resourceful, but insist on making all decisions. And that has to do with experience.
jaclynsd

Well as twisted as life is some women look at married men and think he has it together. They don’t think um…dude is married! They don’t want a single guy that doesn’t have ish, they need to make sure you have it handled first. Oh and some women just get off on saying they took someone’s man.

Best quote I heard from an ex was…”why is it that now that I’m w/you all kinds of women are trying to get at me but yet when I was single they treated a mofo like I smelled like fries or something” lol I just responded with..."believe it or not I make you look more appealing" *shrugs shoulders*
http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

The same thing happens with women. I don't think its necesarily that you're in a relationship (honestly, how many people know that before they walk up to you). Its moreso that you're "happy" and exuding that happiness and creating a positive aura that of course people are going to want to be around. Or least thats what "they" say.

But then again, there are people who get off on stealing people's man/woman. And there are plenty of people running around telling people that stealing someone's boo makes them a "bad b!tch" or "smooth @ss ni99a" *kanye shrug to the 10th power*
jaclynsd

Wow way to keep it honest. So qst how do you feel going into a marriage knowing you won’t ever get the opportunity to have one? Or is it just a small regret and the greatest advantage of finding a good woman is enough?

Just wondering…
jaclynsd

Yeah I guess I get that whole wanting children and family. But isn’t a family, a real one anyway, one where you are an example to your children. Cheating/stepping out is a very selfish act…on all parties involved. When you marry and have kids you give up being selfish. But anyway I digress…I think maybe that’s a totally dif topic.

As for the monogamy question…not sure, but I think it was Will Smith that said something about it being foolish that men can’t control their urges and be monogamist.

Also, if you’re going to examine how happy men are w/multiple women…you’d probably want to know how happy the women are as well. Just because someone agrees to something it may not always bring happiness or the same happiness for all parties.
http://theworldoftiffany.wordpress.com Tiffany

I am not really that surprised. What I think would be interesting is posing this the other way to the women.
MetLifeSnoopy

My mother works in the healthcare field, so whenever she gets the little snoopy toys she gives them to me.
da ThRONe

Tiny price to pay for so much more. Really there's no guarantee that if I wasn't getting married I would have a 3some anyways. Most dudes I know never had one, and @30 if I haven't had one by now I don't think my chances increase with age.
TC

Mr. Sastisfied needs a beer!
Lyndon

I would love to know HOW in thee Hell did you find 4 brothas who were all faithful? Imo it doesnt matter what they desired before if theyre devoted... raising the bar.lol
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

gotcha.
Brina

I'm not in my 30s yet (God willing), but I definitely agree with you.
Brina

When they say experience life I'm assuming they mean living life on their terms/schedule. I guess you could do that with your partner, but personally I would like to travel and hang out with my girls and not have to worry about updating my significant other on my whereabouts. I just want to go out and worry about self. Selfish? Yes. Thats why I'm not in relationship, among other reasons, and why getting married is not on the top of my list. I wouldnt want to enter a committed relationship wanting to worry about self. Thats not a good look. Not gone lie to myself or some guy that doesnt deserve it.
knighthonor

wait a sec there you and Jaclynsd, it seem like the two of you are applying that men only cheat.

Do you watch Maury show? You are not the Father!!!

How often does a man outside the show actually turns out not to be the father as well. You will be surprised
knighthonor

thats because its the 1 thing you cant do. Everything else fits into a marriage no matter what. You like to travel? if you have the money, you can take you, your wife, and kids. nothing about being married stops you from doing that.

but if you want to have sex with anybody other than your wife, thats when it becomes a no no. Sex life is the only true restriction from marriage.

TBH, I do not care about Threesome. I am a guy. I rather make love to my woman than have sex with a bunch of ladies I could care less about.
knighthonor

well were these guys digging you for love or lust?
thats where the teeth meets the apple here. When you get a guy looking for satisfying his lust, thats when you run into more issues, because once the sex fling end, and the next best thing shows itself, he is going to want to be untied.
Men that dig their women for love, see things far down the line, rather than when the relationship will end. most women dont know how to tell the difference between these types. To be honest, I feel women dont really care, because they also are in it for the fling in most cases.
knighthonor

I wouldnt say most men have 3somes on their mind. yeah a lot think about it, but lets be real here. I wouldnt say most want that. its just the men that do what that, are usually the more vocal of the group.
knighthonor

no, imo, I think its more just something that they would have liked to try if they had the chance and wasnt restricted from doing so.

why didnt they do it when they were single if it was such a big deal to them? think about that.
knighthonor

I agree. I believe sex related things are coming up, because thats the ONLY restriction that comes from commitment.

Nothing else. If you have money, you can do ANYTHING within the restrictions of marriage, except have SEX with other women.

Sex is the only true restriction.
knighthonor

no, as I told Shareef below,,, Sex is the only restriction that comes from marriage.

so if you were in a (What If Questioning) like the OPs, Sex would be the first things to come to mind, because its the only thing you are restricted from doing
knighthonor

I dont believe most men care about threesomes to be honest. if they did, than why havnt they done it before getting married? things like this only come up, when you start thinking about things you havnt done, not things that are constantly on your mind.
Wmofyr

I wouldn't call it selfish. Because if you were in a relationship, I'm guessing the guy would be more fulfilling to be around: good support, convo, laughs, etc.

But while not in a relationship, the good support, convo, laughs, etc. comes from the girls. The love comes from the friends.
Wmofyr

And girls night for women is not at all similar to single guys night at a club.
http://qalil-com.blogspot.com Qalil Little

Maybe they lacked money or means and it takes a while to find two women who don't mind being with you and with each other. Don't you think?
http://qalil-com.blogspot.com Qalil Little

Augh! (clutching at heart) It really blesses me to see couples having a mature relationship, where you decide to travel separately if your schedules are in conflict. Bravo!
Rastaman

You would be surprised how much more sexual opportunities increase with age. Whether you want to take them or not is more of the decisions you face.
Rastaman

That is because married or single, womeen are rarely happy. LOL!!
http://qalil-com.blogspot.com Qalil Little

Well, sex with multiple partners is quite risqué and porn has done nothing for people's sexual fantasies.

If cooking a fabulous meal was risky business and considered taboo, more people would be wishing for that.
jaclynsd

No, of course men aren’t the only ones that cheat. That's just crazy talk haha After all they are cheating w/women (if they're straight) and I'm sure some are married. It’s just that in this instant we're talking about men and their regrets.
jaclynsd

Lol...you're not helping Rastaman.
jaclynsd

Oh hell…well you maybe on to something because I am NOT happy w/your comment lol j/k

In any case it would be single women who are happiest…nothing to complain about then =)
Brina

Well, I'm not a club person so I'm sure it would be different lol. Anyway, I guess I consider it selfish because I'm not a big believer in checking in, and the friends I have in relationships are totally for it, except for one if I remember correctly. Even when I was in a relationship I wasnt for it.
kat

I get the 3-4-some thing.I think most men in their 20s think that ll happen "some day", but they don t act on it.Sure,there are women who have and had and will have 3-and 4somes but I think it s quiet rarely that they walk up on a guy and ask him to go down on them.

My guess is that it s a fantasy for most of the responders - because if a man really wants something,he ll try to get it.

Furthermore,I woldn t call them simple regrets,just pretty human.
Women tend to fantasize and dream of things or situations that will most likely never take place, men are a bit more realistic about that.
Lyoness

All these guys got married young. I liked what the guy said about living abroad. Including learning a foreign language, that's a dream of mine too.

My female friend's grandfather (early 70s and married for 50 years) was married to his high school sweetheart before she passed last year. He has alot of wisdom and said NO ONE should even be able to pronounce the word 'marriage' before the age of 30... male or female. He doesn't feel people are mature enough... He said he wasn't but he loved his wife and family and she stuck by him. I think people have and idea that 'back in day' most marriages were solid and sunshine and roses but they weren't.
Wmofyr

They question is do they run in those circles that would allow 3 somes. Non 3 some types typically don't run in the 3-some circles. However, if they were serious about it, they would have no problem hanging out with people who do that frequently.
Wmofyr

Checking in? Some people say that and do not really mean that they are getting permission to do whatever. But some may mean that.

It could mean they are just cultivating their relationship, paying each other some positive attention.

But if the guy wants an hour by hour account for your day, he is a problem. The guy is the problem. But the idea of a relationship is not the problem, because the next guy may not be leaning on the extreme side.
Sunshine

Get some out of the way! lol Like the ones he think he may regret later in life. I don't want any unnecessary thing, hindering our marriage. Then he can save the rest for me. I don't think he can miss me on much but at the same time, i don't want to feel pressured to do a thing b/c of his regrets.
Chris

See that's so funny, women always seem to define "helping" in this situation as "whatever encourages the guy to get married". :p