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Is Married Sex Wack? 11 Ways to Spice Things Up ASAP

Posted by NWSO • May 30, 2011 • Printer-friendly

WORDS BY MISTY BLUE

Let me start by saying I love my ladies—my African American ladies—more than the world and I think we should support one another but I have an issue with some of us. After reading NWSO’s post “6 Married Men Confess - Before I Said ‘I Do’ I Wish I Did…” last week it got me to thinking: Do men have more regrets when they get married? Why was the most common response, sleeping with multiple women, doing something “crazy” like “bending an ex over in a club bathroom” or dating women of different ethnic backgrounds? And most importantly, why is doing it in the club bathroom deemed “crazy” after you get married? Is marriage some sort of death sentence?

Now don’t get me wrong, when you get married you do have a few different responsibilities; but why does the fun and freakiness have to end? What, because you walked down the aisle and have a husband you’re all of a sudden “pure” and all the freaky shyt you did to get him stop because you got him?! I beg to differ, ladies!

Fellas, you need to keep it cracking too because we get bored as well but that’s neither here nor there. In the words of my grandma, a lot of the work in a marriage—whether we want to believe it or not—falls on us. It sucks but I find it to be true. The ladies are tasked with keeping it hot and sexy and quite honestly when we do, I find that almost always the men are willing to return the favor and most often stay their asses “at home” because you’ve either worn their asses out or they just don’t know what the hell you’re going to do when they walk through the door. They just know some shyt is about to pop off!

My motto: I want my man to always eat at home! Feel me?

For men, this is why marriage is so scary! They start feeling like, “Damn, this is the last pucci I will ever have!” or “This is going to get boring after like the first year or two!” I’ve even heard complaints from the men I know that they don’t get it at all anymore and they have only been married like five years. What in the hell! I truly believe that once you lose intimacy and that connection, it’s the beginning of the end. That’s just my opinion. Intimacy and being connected is HUGE! HUGE! It’s sad we have all come to see marriage as “boring,” “monotonous,” and just plain “torture.”

Now, not every marriage is salvageable and there are some that need to end but—and this is the freaky side of me coming out—why can’t marriage be just as fun as dating and being wild and crazy?

In fact, here are a few things from my own personal archives I use to keep things spicy—feel free to take notes.

Ladies, why can’t we…

Get a wax: Yes, I said it, a bikini wax! Then go al fresco. It’ll make YOU feel sexy! When I get one it feels and looks so good I want to touch myself. It’ll get him all hot and bothered, too. Just to know you’re as smooth as a baby’s ass under there and wearing nothing to boot—WOW!

Sex the hell out of him: Nothing raunchy or crass but sexy and sweet is always yummy.

Give him a bath: This is one of my faves. Run the bath water and wash and linger in all those special places. I promise, one day when you come home from a long day, he’ll return the favor.

Give him a sensual massage: Google “lingam” and “yoni massage” and work it out! #ThankMeLater

Take some sort of exotic dance class: Try Video Vixen or Pole Positions. Practice on your man, girl, throw on some Tank and give him a show.

Pack a picnic lunch: Show up at his job (if you can) with something sexy on and in the basket, food of course. Then, after lunch, send sexy messages about what you’re going to do to him when he gets home.

Go to the club: Put on that freakum dress on and “meet” him for the first time all over again. Do it in the bathroom, freak him on the dance floor, “take him home…” Hell, he’s your man, you can do whatever the hell you want without worry.

Go down on him with passion: For goodness sake, I know some of us are down but, ladies, learn to slob the knob and love it. Perfect it! Take a class if you have to (yes, they have them—I got my certificate, damn it). Just learn to love it. *Side note: If he doesn’t want to return the favor, a serious chat is needed*

Watch some porn: There are some flicks out there that aren’t as “nasty” as I have heard women say. Do the research and look for more erotic films—they’re out there, I promise!

Go to the sex shop: Browse the aisles, find some creative oils, crotchless panties or cat suits just on a whim. I go all the time during my lunch break. Hell, it’s right up the street so why not.

Make an iPod mix that makes you feel sexy: My personal faves, Maxwell, Intro (yeah, I went all the way back there), Floetry…all the basics. I even have some Lil Wayne “Lollipop” on mine to get the party started. When you feel sexy it shows!

The point I’m trying to make here is to have fun with your husband (or boyfriend). Keep him guessing. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re dead or boring or… hell, quoting Eunice Mae (my grandma) again, “You need to do the same things to keep him as you did to get him!” There are things he can do to keep it sexy for you/us, too, but that’s a whole other story.

Until next time…

Do most people think that getting marriage leads to boring sex? What do you do to keep things spicy in a long-term relationship? Do you think women should put extra work in to keep their man turned on? Does the same apply to men? Does getting a bikini wax make most women feel sexy and turn men on? Is fantasy and role-playing a big part of keeping the fire alive in your relationships? Do you find that most relationships work better when things are reciprocal? What did you think of Misty Blue’s tips? Did you learn a few tricks?

Speak your piece…

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Tagged as: Marriage/Love, sex life, turn on

EntertainmentsFuture

I find that there is a double standard when it comes to "keeping your marriage "alive"" It does seem like when things go wrong, the questions always go towards the women (what did you do? what didn't you do? etc). The sad thing is at the end of the day we do have put in more work. Because there is always another woman that is willing to do what we are not going to do. Unfortunately there are not much men that will meet the standards of women to go elsewhere. I do believe a relationship would work so muh better if favors were reciprocated, however there is always one partner more selfish than the other...
But on a lighter note...I guess I found my pole class. Thanx..
http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

All very good suggestions (you can miss me with that whole waxing bit- no thanks) but sex and spicing things up aren't always enough to save a marriage, regardless of whether or not it's worth saving. And im not really sure a marriage is worth much if lackluster sex is capable of causing cheating/divorce. I don't think spicing things up is gonna keep a man that wants to cheat, from cheating anyway.

That aside, i do understand the concept of having to work to keep things exciting, especially for us womenfolk whom like you said are the ones that have to take the brunt of the blame when things get boring.
Older & Wiser

Married sex was the best sex I ever had! We dated, made out in public, went home with each other, vacationed together in exotic locals and had weekend getaways at hotels on the regular and we had two kids. Those are some great memories that I still cherish to this day.

I loved that my late husband came straight home every night because he didn't know what he would come home to but looked forward to finding out, wink, wink!
M.L.

I think people that get married do have boring sex imo when your single u could smash anbody u want & feel no regrets after. And if i was in a marriage like that i hope my wife could spice thing's up but that's a long time from know.
MonaLisa

I would go ahead and put emphasis on trying new and different things in the bedroom, nothing too crazy though. I think it's good to have a go-to position that gets you both off every time but if you are always doing the same routine in the bedroom than it will get boring. I think that goes for anyone.
I honestly would love to be married, I'm not looking or anything but I think that when it happens I would never let things get boring. Marriage just seems like it will be fun. I know that sounds naive lol.
About the waxing though, I like to be bare and I can be not so bare, it makes me no difference. But some men actually don't like to see women with a Brazilian so I think it all depends on the guy.
Shequita

I absolutely loved this! I agree with you totally. I don't klnow why people believe marriage equals boring sex or monotony. There are actually men out there who no longer want to do certain things with their wives, they'd rather do them with a woman on the side because they see there wife as some pure being once she got his last name. It has alot to do with knowing who your marrying. Make a sex contract dammit!!! Make them sign on the dotted line BEFORE the marriage license lol. Im speaking from experience. Loved the post, very good ideas on keeping it spicy.
BrownSuga

Im not married but I have a few male friends who are married and are always complaining about not getting any loving. I dont understand it and I ask them what did they do, because as a women when your in a relationship you still need a little romance. Fellas this will get your love game off the bench. They have no understanding that women should want to have sex with you. It should be a pleasure.I dont understand how their wives could not have sex with them an expect them not to have sex at all. I would never tell my friends that, but as a woman I will agree with the author here...never send a man out of the house hungry he will eat if offered.

And for the ladies if there is something you want but are not getting at home try the bubble bath and ask for it while rubbing his decision maker.lol
http://realestdudeintheroom.com RDITR

This is quite the comprehensive list. I would add, buy some toys together, masturbate in front of him and keep yourself in shape.

I will never marry again but there were some highly positive things about marriage including the ability to not have to worry about protection and the security of knowing that you can try or do anything without the worry of disease.

If I thought there was a chance that a marriage could stay spicy in the ways that you have described, I would almost consider giving marriage a second chance.

SM
http://realestdudeintheroom.com RDITR

Oh yeah.....thumbs up on the brazilian.....
Rastaman

I commend Misty Blue and her Grandma Eunice Mae for being so progressive in their thinking and for the sake of a lot of marriages out here I hope this philosophy spreads like wildfire. I hear too many men cite a declined sex life as a contributing factor to the deterioration of their marriages. I have never understood people who did not believe in reciprocity, it is as if they do not understand that it is the foundation of human relations. But men have to understand that that reciprocity goes beyond the bedroom and if you want your woman to please you sexually you will need to cater to her needs too. For far too many of us sex starts with an erection and ends with an ejaculation. That is why our sex lives are so unsatisfactory. We need to train ourselves to be intimate with our partners at all times whether it be as simple as making them a cup of tea or giving them a foot rub after a hard day.
Rastaman

Modern life takes a toll on our intimate lives whether we want to admit it or not. The stress of work, family and day to day living makes us less sensitive, less sensual and less intimate and it takes a concerted effort by couples to maintain sex appeal in their relationships. But far too often some of us seem averse to putting in that effort; we let our physical and mental appeal decline and seem to expect the other person to forget all that attracted them to us in the first place. One of the things that has deterred me away from marriage was not that only the sex could be boring but that my life would be nothing but routine. So while I experience that at work as a single man, I take comfort in the fact that my personal life is anything else but. I see too many married folks with those looks of yearning and I think “there but for the grace of God, go I” One question Misty Blue, considering the audience, has any of this been sanctioned by the Pastor because you do know many women are not doing anything unless the church is behind it?”
Lisa

Wow, I agree with Rastaman. I don't mean wow that I agree with him but wow on the topic. I was married & bored....tried to introduce new things into the relationship ( lingerie, changing location-hotels, not waxing but shaving)....he didn't like any of that....I just felt used which also didn't make me feel like having sex at all.
http://thecandyshoppe.wordpress.com Ronnie6676

Loved this list. As a very ummm sexually open person I often find that men aren't as open as I am. I've always figured that beign married would be the BEST sex ever. I mean he is YOUR husband so you can do any and every thing. Child please, my husband best make sure he is getting his 8 hours daily because I'm going to take advantage of him. LOL. But I do worry sometimes that when I get married I might have to do without some things and that's a bit off putting. Especially if my husband isn't into some of the things that I enjoy. Hopefully I will find someone just as willing to put the effort in to keeping things hot and satisfying.
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

I agree that a couple's sex life needs some variety, but isn't it kinda of sexist to assume that a great sex life will keep a man from straying? As if that is all men need to feel content or that sex is all they care about?
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

When a relationship is on the rocks, there's most times a lack of sex. Sex, to me, is an indicator of the couple's intimacy, closeness and connection. Given that theory, adding spice to a sex life is not a true solution (or preventative measure). You gotta do more than that to add variety to the level of intimacy and address any issues that are causing the lack of sex or interest.
da ThRONe

Nope. Ofcourse some people(for the sake of the arguement males) will cheat just for the thrill or a sense of entitlement. I think most guys if they were getting "porn type" sex at home with their physically attractive spouse is way less likely to cheat.
krystllyght

I've been married for seven years (with my husband for ten) and I can tell ya'll that it's not the sex that gets boring. In fact, it just gets better and better. It's the rest of life that needs spice.
MamiLove

Been married ten years and we have the best sex ever. I give him massages, we use sex toys, we masturbate in front of each other and I even do at home pedicures sometimes just to make him feel good. We have sex everywhere and try NOT have it in the bedroom. Three kids later, I still try and keep it spicey!
MamiLove

Someone recently told me that they have a sexless marriage. I am so confused about this. They have sex 1 or 2x a year for the past 5 years. She said they just "got busy" and neither asks each other. WTF? Not having sex is grounds for divorce in my book, I'm sorry. I wouldn't even cheat, I'd leave.
http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com Marcia H.

Do most people think that getting marriage leads to boring sex?
Unfortunately yes... smh

What do you do to keep things spicy in a long-term relationship?
I'll answer that at another time and day.

Do you think women should put extra work in to keep their man turned on?
Absolutely! Because whatever you won't do, another woman will.

Does the same apply to men?
Of course it does! Relationships and/or marriage is a 2 way street.

Does getting a bikini wax make most women feel sexy and turn men on?
Yeah I can't get down with the waxing thing! Hair is there for a reason. And what were women doing before waxing came along?

Is fantasy and role-playing a big part of keeping the fire alive in your relationships?
If you're partner is into it then hey go for it! Hell sounds like a lot of fun!

Do you find that most relationships work better when things are reciprocal?
DO I? (The real answer is HELL YEAH!)

What did you think of Misty Blue’s tips? Did you learn a few tricks?
Her tips was great! {Except the waxing part)
krystllyght

I'm with you on the waxing part. I've never waxed but I've shaved. My hubby used to request it but now he likes the hairs; he thinks they're soft. Tmi I'm sure but its proof that its just a phase men go through. Besides how long do they expect us to keep that up? Can you imagine betty white getting waxed? Ew.
Rastaman

i can't imagine Betty White getting anything but then there are reasonable limits to my imagination. LOL!!
krystllyght

She has to still be getting some. She's fiesty. Nothing I want to imagine but still. When I'm that age I hope I'm still getting it in with my hubby.
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

And I bet there are other issues in their relationship too. That blows my mind; having sex a few times a year.
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

I don't understand the fascination (or feeling like it's a needed to please the man) with getting rid of all your pubic hair. We have the hair here for health reasons. I understand some landscaping can be necessary or helpful, but mine isn't going anywhere, and the guy better be able to accept that. Why does it have to be that serious?!
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

Ok, how realistic is it to expect and have porn-type sex at home? Sometimes, but consistently?
krystllyght

I didn't mind trying it for my hubby and it was okay sometimes. I'm over it now and so is he. It's a super double standard bc it's not like they're about to wax for us. Heck I just want him to throw some hair conditioner down there sometimes but that's apparently too much to ask too.
AGK

I want a yoni massage now. Please and thank you. LOOOL
AGK

Co-freaking-sign!!!
CK

I think you made a REALLY good point. Intimacy isn't just about sex - and if you don't feel connected with each other out of the bedroom, you're not going to want to do much in the bedroom!
Tai

@Lisa, Dang me 2!!!! I was engaged to this man and he was not with any excitement....I mean I felt so crazy because I thought a man wanted the lady in the street but a freak in the bed. I told him, I'm suppose to be your fantasy and your to be mine.....this monkey gone tell me your gonna be my wife and I don't want you acting like that. What a minute....what the HELL...just because I'm gonna be your wife you want to bore me to death!!!! I just don't get it! Thank GOD I didn't marry him and luckily I have still saved this wonderful inner freak for my future husband!!!And let the church say AMEN!!!!!
Tai

@Ronnie, isn't it scary to think you could possibly marry someone and not be satisfied! Everyone keeps telling me make sure you ask GOD for everything you want in a husband. But, in my mind I'm thinking how in the world can I ask GOD for a dynamic lover(that's putting mildly)and not feel totally ashamed.
Lisa

LOL, I learned that after we got married...we should've had that talk prior to getting married like you did Tai.
Tai

O my gosh, CONGRATS on a bang-in sex life! O yeah...I'm kind of jealous...I want one,LOL.
http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com Marcia H.

Now if my future husband ever asked for it I would do it (while dragging my feet and complaining the whole time). But until that point Nawwwww... LOL! Glad you feel me though!
Older & Wiser

Rastaman you need to stop, LOL!
Beef Bacon

We ARE made in HIS image, so ask away with no shame. He created sex not only for procreation but to enjoy as well within marriage. I got EVERYTHING I asked for, we are so compatible in that area, God knew me and he knew what to bless me with so I can be totally fufilled.
Kalpesh Maniart

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Kalpesh Maniart

I have observed that after few years of marriage many couples find their sex life boring, I met one of them and discovered the frustration of husband. On probing him further he confided that his sex life was nothing but boring. Most of the couples have boring sex life. please visit http://www.indiasoulmate.net