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6 Things Everyone Should Know Before Getting Married

Posted by NWSO • June 2, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Picking up from last week’s all-male edition of Why I Got Married I went to my pool of anonymous married men for marital insight. This week’s question of the day for the fellas is this: What do you wish someone had told you about marriage before you said "I do"? How would that information have helped your own marriage?

Here’s what they had to say…

“I have a few for this one actually...

I wish someone told me that weddings are a gigantic waste of time and money (for the couple). I know some people find ways to really enjoy their weddings and make them worthwhile but for us it was a lot of stress. It was still fun but in retrospect I wish we had gone to city hall, invited family and close friends to attend if they like and then had a big party for everyone after we were married and put the extra money spent in the bank!

I also wish someone had told me that, no matter what you think you know about the other person or what your relationship was like before marriage, shit is about to get wayyyyy deeper. Something I hear now from a lot of single people is that so-and-so isn't right for them because of minor detail A or B. They’re trying to find a perfect match before they marry them but it doesn't matter what you were like before marriage because it's all going to change. The two of you will join lives, become an entity, and dive into each other’s issues. Once you really get to know someone you can act as their mirror and help them with all of their baggage. And once you dive into another person’s psyche so thoroughly there's really no going back. I could go on...

What I tell people now is find someone you mesh well with and are able to converse with and work out small problems with well and roll the dice. In sports, a young rookie that shows potential greatness but with a lot of rough edges is said to have a ‘high upside.’ Find a mate who has a high upside and do that shit! Get hitched and hope for the best. Odds for success are just as good for that girlfriend you've been with eight years as that nice girl you met a few weeks ago.”

—Mr. Philosophical, married 5 years

“Before getting married I wish somebody would've told me how to keep things fresh as the years past. The actuality is there is no easy answer and keeping things interesting between a married couple takes work. It took me a while, but I think I've figured it out. I wish someone would've told me, but I guess there’s no easy answer and every couple has to find their own path.”

—Mr. Stay Fresh, married 9 years

“Nothing really. I've heard it all before and nothing has been a surprise since I jumped the broom.”

—Mr. Unphased, married 15 months

“I'm a flirtatious dude, I kind of enjoying seducing more than I realized before I got married. I wish somebody had told me that getting married requires a change in self-identity. If you self identify as a charmer, and then you can't do that anymore, then who are you? Knowing that before getting married might've helped me root out that flirtatious impulse earlier. Seduction only leads one place, and I honestly was never trying to be the cheating husband type.”

—Mr. Blunt, married 7 years

“I was schooled well before marriage—via observations as well as numerous lectures/talks from family members—but one area that was rarely discussed was the extreme differences between the psychology of men and women. We think and react differently. The first few years of the marriage were challenging because we didn't fully grasp and appreciate this. Knowing ahead of time would have saved heartache.”

—Mr. Analytical, married 10 years

“Nothing. I don't know anyone in a successful marriage, including my parents. I've been careful not to listen to anyone's advice about marriage and have just done what comes naturally.”

—Mr. Pessimistic, married 7 years

Do you think that spending money on a big wedding is a waste? Would you consider getting married at the courthouse and just throwing a big reception instead? Do you think couples should live together before getting married? Are you really prepared to live with someone for the rest of your life or are you too set in your ways? Do you agree with the idea of dating someone with high upside? Do you think someone who is a flirt by nature should stop flirting once they’re married? If so, should you lose yourself in a marriage? Do you think that couples should find their own path rather than listening to outside advice? Do you have an example of a healthy marriage in your life? what did you think of the perspectives from the married men?

Speak your piece…

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Tagged as: before i get married, communication, married men

mizz_e

Are you going to ask married women these questions or is it just going to be from the male point of view???

Not tryin to start anything but I would like to hear what women have to say about the topic because this seems just one sided (only hearing from men)
da ThRONe

“Do you think that spending money on a big wedding is a waste?”

That's a big 10-4 buddy. But I can't say jack rabbit because I did nothing.
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

Initially figured since most of the commenters are women would rather hear from men (or maybe that was just me trying to get insight LOL) and/or would add their perspective in the comments as a counter but def considering a women's view. It's odd though, I think I actually know more married men personally than I do married women. Of course the men I know have wives, but it's not like those wives are my personal friends where they'd respond to little ol' me. But it's on the agenda
http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

“Do you think that spending money on a big wedding is a waste?"
Coming from a culture where a wedding includes several ceremonies and dowries and brideprices and everything, i can't have sympathy for the cost of the average American wedding lol. But I say have a wedding that is fiscally within your means. And honestly, I don't see that big of a financial difference between having a full wedding and only paying for the reception (unless the reception is going to be in Pookie's backyard)

"Do you think couples should live together before getting married?"
I think you should at least have extended visits with one another throughout the course of your relationship. There's only so long a person can hold up a facade when you come to visit (usually only a few days)

"Do you think someone who is a flirt by nature should stop flirting once they’re married?"
My own take is why can't you just flirt/seduce/etc your spouse if being flirtatious is such a huge part of who you are?!?

"Do you think that couples should find their own path rather than listening to outside advice?"
I think people should do both. Take advice with a grain of salt but try and work things out in your own ways as well.
Enid Wilson

I watched the Royal Wedding and wasn't sure I believe in all their vows. I think marriage should be renewed every year. Or it's just good to live in sin.

Chemical Fusion
http://shareefjackson.com Shareef

The flirtatious answer is interesting. I'd like to think that the woman married him knowing this, and was comfortable with this aspect of his personality (as long as it's not honest cheating attempts).

If it's a sincere part of his personality I don't think it should change. The person you marry should accept your flaws.
TheChosen

While I think you are right your spouse should accept your flaws and all BUT one realize that not all people understand that you are just being nice when you "flirt". Something innocent like that can be taken the wrong way and one can end up in a bad situation a la "Obsessed".
TheChosen

As far as things you should know before you get married. I think the most important is to know that marriage is hard work, and that you will have to be willing to work toward a common goal to make things happen. I think after that you don't need anymore advice. Work together and learn to compromise
kat

On the one side you didn t believe in their vows and on the other hand you think the vows should be newly exchanged every year?
kat

A lot of young people think a marriage is a piece of cake.They don t realize that it actually does change things.

One thing every going-to-be-married-couple should have in mind is that a marriage is hard work.
justme

A large wedding that costs 100,000 or city hall is up to the couple, their bank accounts, and their expectations.

I love the comments about the "high upside", never heard that before but that's as real as it gets. I woke up wanting to bit*h at my mate for somethings that he does not do, but then I thought about all of the great things that he does. There is no Mr. Perfect, but I have learned that there is a Mr. Good for me and those imperfections I can get over.

I also love the comment about breaking the monotany of marriage. Marriage can get dull (from what i heard) and it's important that we learn beforehand that it takes work to break out of a routine that can bore the hell out of one or both partners.

Couples should both find their own path for their marriage, but they should be wise enough to listen to people who have been there. Don't listen to Tameka who has been married five years, but find the couple that has lasted 20 years or more. My example for marriage is the lady in my office who has been married 40 years, her advice to me is, it's hard work, but it's worth it. My other example is my aunt and uncle who have been in it for 30 years, come hell or high water they made it work.

I am stuck in my ways, I am on only child and over 30, but love creates compromise, but love also says even if you don;t change, my love remains. So when you find someone with a high upside, overlook those minor flaws and enjoy the great aspects of marriage.

Nice piece, real nice piece, this kept a brother from getting cursed our today!
Rastaman

Marriage is about the couple, weddings are about everyone else. Based on the varied responses I can assume that each marriage is unique for it's own dynamics. So while we should always take others advice into consideration it is important to ensure that each experience is unique.
The old saying: you don't know me until you live with me is probably even truer for a married couple. That's when it all comes out, every crease and crevice. One of the biggest threats in any relationship is unfulfilled expectations. Like they say in the ceremony it is not to be entered into lightly.
da ThRONe

A marriage is what you make it if things change it will be because the people in them changed.
MsKaos

I was the one who WANTED to go to the JoP and then take some of money we would spend on a wedding and go on the honeymoon of all honeymoons then save the rest for a home DP. I was vetoed by my HUSBAND! Yes, you read that right...my husband wanted the wedding and party and all our friends/fam there to share it. Not that I didn't want that, but I would have been good without it if it were just the 2 of us declaring our love and commitment at the JoP all the same. Don't get me wrong we had a great wedding day and in the end I was happy to spend the money to celebrate with our loved ones but it's not always the woman who wants the blown out fancy wedding and the man who wants to save his pennies! Hubby and I had the same conversation over the engagement ring...I was fine without one (I typically only wear my wedding band now) and he insisted on an engagement that came with a ring.
da ThRONe

I my case it's all her against my will.

I don't see the point of investing that kind of money in one day. No matter what the occasion is. Just don't get it.
TalkingToy

Mr. Philosophical hit the nail on the head several times. I've married 8 months. Dated my husband 10 years. I couldn't agree more with EVERYTHING Mr. Philosophical said. I so wish someone would have dropped that knowledge on me about 4 years ago.
TalkingToy

From one only child to another... I'm with you 100%. If you're not willing to find & embrace the upside then you will have to deal with the downside of O.C.D. - only child disasters.
jaclynsd

“Do you think that spending money on a big wedding is a waste?”

I’ve always thought a big wedding was a waste of money and more so for show than anything. To be honest most people I know who’ve have big luxurious weddings have gotten divorced. The ones w/small run of the mill court house weddings have been successful. I really think the bigger the wedding the more your trying to make up for something.

“Do you agree with the idea of dating someone with high upside?”

My favorite was def the high upside and how you really get into the psyche of the other person. Having been there it’s SO true! The other person really teaches you so much about your issues/bullshit. Marriage and/or living with someone if you fully commit can either make you a better person or break you. So like the man said pic someone w/a high upside…chances are this type of person will make you better.

“Do you think that couples should find their own path rather than listening to outside advice?”

A little of both if you have good role models then good advice couldn’t hurt. It’s really trial and error when it comes down to it. You can’t avoid everything and every situation whether you fail or triumph will help you both grow. Mr. Philosophy was so right when he said find that someone you are able to solve problems with.
“Do you think someone who is a flirt by nature should stop flirting once they’re married?”

No, just transfer the energy to something else. If you’re that kind of person you can’t b.s yourself that when the ring comes on BAMB you’re dif person.
The successful couples I know are constantly seducing each other and finding new ways to entice the other. What may work w/his wife today…may not work tomorrow. I think that’s maybe what’s going on w/Mr.Blunt…he may have stopped seducing his wife and so now he may be bored.

I’m a big flirt and love seduction. When I was w/someone I shifted that energy into business and toned it way down w/the opposite sex. If you try and turn it off it’s like a boiling pot just waiting to boil over. Ether shift or get burned.

Loved the series on what married men think. Keep it up.
http://shareefjackson.com Shareef

When you are talking about "not all people understand", you mean the people that the husband in question would be flirting with, right? This seems separate from the question of marriage advice. The wife should be ok or not ok with a flirtatious husband regardless of the attention of the people being flirted with.
CK

I see what you're saying, but it's really not separate from marriage advice. If you want your marriage to work, you shouldn't do things that could potentially cause problems if you don't have to. Whether his wife is okay with it or not, his flirting with other women and the situation becoming "a la Obsessed" (love that! lol) is not going to be good for their marriage. He's just creating a situation that has the potential to be really really bad unnecessarily, whether that's his intention or it's innocent on his part or not.

And if we're talking about the flirting being a "flaw" in his character, well shouldn't we all be working to improve the flaws in our character anyway? Just because I accept my husband's flaws doesn't mean I don't encourage him to be a better man and work on them and vice versa.
http://theworldoftiffany.wordpress.com Tiffany

I think that weddings that are modest still can be tasteful. It's the lets drink this red Kool-aid and eat this Bakers Square pie weddings that I don't like. I believe that weddings are a great time for family and if the people have the $ why not???
kat

Well, a relationship changes somewhat when you re married.Yes, things change if the people and/or the situation changes or when your husband/wife doesn t turn out to be as you thought.
Older & Wiser

I vote for a small wedding with more emphasis on the marriage! Have the honeymoon you can afford and live your own lives from that point forward.

We took advice from other successfully married couples but we still made our own path in our marriage.
http://Shareefjackson.com Shareef

I agree with the essence of your point - I personally don't agree with flirting with others at all when married, and think it can lead to something else. I wouldn't marry someone that displays that qualities. But if you are the type of the person that was ok with it as a single person, you can't have a problem with it if you make the decision to marry. We are definitely supposed to encourage each other to work to improve, but we also have to accept as the baseline the qualities displayed while single. Otherwise, don't get married,
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

I have to STRONGLY disagree with the concept of marrying someone with a "high upside." That is precisely the issue for many women: getting involved with a man who they think will change and/or can be fixed. Look instead for a man who is already fulfilling their potential, someone you don't have to worry about growing up. Granted, we all have our issues and no one is perfect, but I don't want to marry someone who "has potential." I wanna know from the jump this person is mature, responsible and knows how to love/commit.

And to "get hitched and hope for the best" maybe possibly be the worst advice for marriage. You marry someone you KNOW you are compatible with, someone you have rationally and deliberately considered a partnership with. Marriage is, for most people, an investment, so why would you want to go into it blindly?
Jacinda

The money for the marriage is a waste...because after everyone has eaten, and drank, and partied, they all go home, and the bride and groom have to work on the marriage...and that is so much harder than people think!

I actually like the "high upside" comment...because no one is perfect!! And trying to blend two independent lives together is not easy...things come out in a marriage that would not have shown up before...and that cannot be anticipated.

Outside advice can be good, but it can also lead to trouble...my husband and I do what works for us...no one else can live our lives, and they don't know our struggles. I often tell people that if I want their advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut about my relationship and marriage!

I believe that my husband and I have a healthy marriage...that's not to say it's always easy, but in the end, we both love each other too much and want this to work to much to give up on it.
mizz_e

OK! I completely understand. I was honestly just wondering but your logic makes absolutely perfect sense. I know that even though I am a female i do want to hear from other, married, women as well because of the fact that while it is great to hear from men, we ALLLLL know the two do not always agree on certain things and aspects of a relationship.
Wmofyr

Do you think that spending money on a big wedding is a waste?
-Not really. It's a celebration of the new chapter in your lives. Also, I've read online that Greeks invite 3 to 5 thousand and get all cash gifts. They might get an average of $50 each from at least 2 thousand. Even if it's just a couple of hundred guest and smaller expense, you can get that all back. So it's practical to.

Would you consider getting married at the courthouse and just throwing a big reception instead?
-If we were dirt poor, I would: and I did. Now I think why would I do that. If we so broke, why not at least wait until we can pay our bills first. Plus family pay for most of it before and after the wedding.

Do you think couples should live together before getting married?
-No. I just don't like the idea of the guy still wishing for something better than me. He can do that in his own home. If we engaged and set a date, then yes we can live together, but why.

Are you really prepared to live with someone for the rest of your life or are you too set in your ways?
-Yes why not? I think routine is a good sign, it means that we learned how to make it work smoothly and we make it look easy. If I want excitement, I can go to a rock climbing gym or something. Excitement is not difficult to find. What's the problem.

Do you agree with the idea of dating someone with high upside?
Yes I agree, date them and work out his ruff edges, as long as his ruff edges won't land you in jail. I think this highside thing means that it's someone who will look out for you and is right for YOU. Not someone that others necessarily dream of.

Do you think someone who is a flirt by nature should stop flirting once they’re married?
-Yes, they must stop. And it's likely deeper that it looks. When he flirts, is there a sense of approval? He can seek that more often with spouse. There is a reason it became part of the personality, it filled him up somehow. He just need to let his wife fill him up and also get other hobbies.
It's like creating drama. The other woman falls in love or thinks she has a chance; she flirts back. The wife goes crazy with suspicion. Arguments start over this, is it worth it to drive your wife in to a dooming feeling, especially when all you had to do is stop flirting with this woman you say you don't care for. But if you looking for the drama, you will find it.

If so, should you lose yourself in a marriage?
-Well, yes kinda; you can trust this person. But seriously you get out of it what you put in. So put a lot of love and care in. If you don't get anything out, maybe the spouse just did not hear you, or is still mad over something else. Some people operate on the drama until they get use to making it work.

Do you think that couples should find their own path rather than listening to outside advice?
-I don't like general advice. I can read a book for that. I prefer specifics. Help with a specific issue.

Do you have an example of a healthy marriage in your life?
-Well, my friends are married, ironically I give them advice a lot on communicating; I tell them to find a two sided solution. My family has a lot of single women on all economic levels; Divorces everywhere. They give good advice but I didn't listen. The men have had unhealthyness in the marriages, many stayed married, some remarried.

What did you think of the perspectives from the married men?”
-I think I enjoyed their points of view. It wasn't all selfish stuff. I liked the comment on things change, so one has to have communications and problem solving in their relationship. I agree because people are more open and vulnerable when they are in a serious relationship, and marriage is the most serious of relationships.
justme

I don't think the term upside was referring to settling with the flaws and hoping for the altar to alter those issues. To me, I thought the term was referencing overlooking those minute issues to see the bigger picture.

My other half kicks his shoes off anywhere in the house when he is over and I am sort of a neat freak. That annoys me, but am I am not going to bitch at him for some shoes in my living room when he exudes so many other great characteristis. The term high upside was not hoping for the best, but it was indicating, overlooking the bulls*it issues to see the greatness in your partner. My man is faithful, honest, hard working, and a great provider, so why would I complain about him leaving the toilet seat up again!

Overlooking the imperfections to realize the perfections!
Jessica Jacob

"One of “One of the biggest threats in any relationship is unfulfilled expectations.”

I swear, if you were a preacher, I would of threw my bible at you, stomped my foot, and gave you a love offering for this sentence right here. You are so on point!
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

Are families still paying for weddings like that? I know a lot of older folks are still working and/or on fixed incomes. I know when and if I get married I won't be looking at anyone but me and my bride to be to foot the bill. That is unless I'm marrying a Kardashian or something and I'll just charge it to the game. Lol
http://spinsterscompass.wordpress.com Spinster

I'll take the Justice Of The Peace over an expensive, time-consuming, pain-in-the-ass wedding any day and just save the money for a great honeymoon & reception party & our new marital needs.
SassyNOLa

My plan is certainly to get married in the court house (however, with the full gown, makeup, and hair of a traditional wedding); however, that really doesn't save much money. The wedding ceremony is pretty cheap: just a fee for the priest/pastor and maybe flowers in the church. All the money for weddings are in the reception. My reception won't be fancy but there's no way to have a cheap reception- the food and alcohol are the bank account killers.