I’m writing to you because I’m in a complicated situation. I’m really not sure of how to get myself out of it or even if I want to so here goes: I broke up with my fiancé a year and a half ago. We were having a lot of trouble and a couple of months after we broke up I met this guy. When I met the new guy right off the bat he told me that he had a girlfriend and that they been together for four years. Honestly, I thought that it was going to be a fling but here I am going on two years and we are still involved with each other.
The “I love yous” started and we spend a lot of time together—we see each other very frequent, we talk on the phone every day and our connection is very strong. He has never once treated me like the “other woman.” We share the same interests, we go out and every time we’re together and “she” calls he never answers. He gives me that respect, if that make any sense.
We really make each other happy. Recently, though, I’ve been feeling like I’m missing out on something. I want to get married and be with him but his whole take on the situation is, “As long as we’re happy then what else matters?” I’ve asked him to break up with her and he wont do it.
I’ve since broken it off with him and he really came back strong. I truly believe that he is “the one” but clearly he’s not ready for a commitment to just one person. So this morning we had a conversation and I tried to break it off (again) but I couldn’t get the guts to do it; it was like I know I would feel miserable without him. So my question to you is do you think that he’ll ever commit to me or should I just quit while I’m ahead? Or, just be happy and deal?Dear Badly Confused,
The simple answer to your question is no. If it’s been two years of being the other woman—whether he treats you like that or not you are the other woman—why would he change anytime soon? Look at the other side of the coin also: He’s been with this other girl, correction HIS official girl, for four years when y’all met, which means it’s now six years. If he couldn’t commit to her in six why would you think he’d commit to you in two?
You have to look in the mirror and make the best decision for you. If you don’t mind being the other woman and potentially opening yourself up to an unexpected pregnancy or diseases then go ahead and do you—you’re grown. But if you truly want marriage and stability in your future it’s very unlikely you’ll find it with him based on your track record.
I have a philosophy that how you met someone is usually how they’ll leave you. You met him cheating on his girlfriend, so should y’all wind up in a “real” relationship he’ll probably leave you cheating. It’s a pattern that you’ve set forth for him. If it was okay for him to cheat on his girl to be with you, you’ve already shown (subconsciously) that you’re willing to accept that kind of behavior from him. So when he sees a fatter ass or prettier face that he wants to have a “fling” with he’ll feel it’s okay.
Now, if you had met him and told him that he had to break up with his girl before things got physical he may have seen you in a different light and known you don’t play that. But now, after two years, how could you be mad if he cheated when he clearly showed you who he was and you willing accepted it?
Just think about it.
Besides that is this really the character of a man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Seriously, do you really think you could ever trust him 100%? He may treat you right and make you feel good in the moment, but all that is temporary to me. If he was really about you and plotting a happily ever after he’d have ended it with his girlfriend a long time ago and done right by you. The ball is truly in your court and it’s about you doing right by yourself. If you have no problem with where things are, then so be it. Just remember karma is a mofo.
If you want more out of the relationship and he can’t provide that for you then move on, cut all ties and find someone that can offer ALL of themselves and not just some warm dick in the moment and a cold pillow when he leaves to go back to his girl. Whatever you decide please stay protected because if he’s with you and her, there’s no telling who else she or he is with on the side.
Do you think a man ever chooses the other woman? Would you ever date someone that’s already in a relationship? Does it matter if you were on the rebound? Do you think a “fling” could evolve into a loving relationship? Have you ever been in a serious relationship with someone you thought wouldn’t last? If so, what made you fall for the person? Who’s more at fault, the person in a relationship that cheats or the one they’re cheating with? Do you agree with my philosophy that how you meet someone is usually how they’ll leave you? Could you ever fully trust someone that cheated on their last partner to be with you? What additional advice do you have for Badly Confused?
Speak your piece…