Can a Man Ever Love the Other Woman? (Mistress Distress)

2 Posted by - June 20, 2011 - Uncategorized

the other woman

[dc]Dear NWSO,[/dc]

I’m writing to you because I’m in a complicated situation. I’m really not sure of how to get myself out of it or even if I want to so here goes: I broke up with my fiancé a year and a half ago. We were having a lot of trouble and a couple of months after we broke up I met this guy. When I met the new guy right off the bat he told me that he had a girlfriend and that they been together for four years. Honestly, I thought that it was going to be a fling but here I am going on two years and we are still involved with each other.

The “I love yous” started and we spend a lot of time together—we see each other very frequent, we talk on the phone every day and our connection is very strong. He has never once treated me like the “other woman.” We share the same interests, we go out and every time we’re together and “she” calls he never answers. He gives me that respect, if that make any sense.

We really make each other happy. Recently, though, I’ve been feeling like I’m missing out on something. I want to get married and be with him but his whole take on the situation is, “As long as we’re happy then what else matters?” I’ve asked him to break up with her and he wont do it.

I’ve since broken it off with him and he really came back strong. I truly believe that he is “the one” but clearly he’s not ready for a commitment to just one person. So this morning we had a conversation and I tried to break it off (again) but I couldn’t get the guts to do it; it was like I know I would feel miserable without him. So my question to you is do you think that he’ll ever commit to me or should I just quit while I’m ahead? Or, just be happy and deal?

[dc]Dear Badly Confused,[/dc]

The simple answer to your question is no. If it’s been two years of being the other woman—whether he treats you like that or not you are the other woman—why would he change anytime soon? Look at the other side of the coin also: He’s been with this other girl, correction HIS official girl, for four years when y’all met, which means it’s now six years. If he couldn’t commit to her in six why would you think he’d commit to you in two?

mistress in distressYou have to look in the mirror and make the best decision for you. If you don’t mind being the other woman and potentially opening yourself up to an unexpected pregnancy or diseases then go ahead and do you—you’re grown. But if you truly want marriage and stability in your future it’s very unlikely you’ll find it with him based on your track record.

I have a philosophy that how you met someone is usually how they’ll leave you. You met him cheating on his girlfriend, so should y’all wind up in a “real” relationship he’ll probably leave you cheating. It’s a pattern that you’ve set forth for him. If it was okay for him to cheat on his girl to be with you, you’ve already shown (subconsciously) that you’re willing to accept that kind of behavior from him. So when he sees a fatter ass or prettier face that he wants to have a “fling” with he’ll feel it’s okay.

Now, if you had met him and told him that he had to break up with his girl before things got physical he may have seen you in a different light and known you don’t play that. But now, after two years, how could you be mad if he cheated when he clearly showed you who he was and you willing accepted it?

Just think about it.

Besides that is this really the character of a man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Seriously, do you really think you could ever trust him 100%? He may treat you right and make you feel good in the moment, but all that is temporary to me. If he was really about you and plotting a happily ever after he’d have ended it with his girlfriend a long time ago and done right by you. The ball is truly in your court and it’s about you doing right by yourself. If you have no problem with where things are, then so be it. Just remember karma is a mofo.

If you want more out of the relationship and he can’t provide that for you then move on, cut all ties and find someone that can offer ALL of themselves and not just some warm dick in the moment and a cold pillow when he leaves to go back to his girl. Whatever you decide please stay protected because if he’s with you and her, there’s no telling who else she or he is with on the side.

Good luck.

Do you think a man ever chooses the other woman? Would you ever date someone that’s already in a relationship? Does it matter if you were on the rebound? Do you think a “fling” could evolve into a loving relationship? Have you ever been in a serious relationship with someone you thought wouldn’t last? If so, what made you fall for the person? Who’s more at fault, the person in a relationship that cheats or the one they’re cheating with? Do you agree with my philosophy that how you meet someone is usually how they’ll leave you? Could you ever fully trust someone that cheated on their last partner to be with you? What additional advice do you have for Badly Confused?

Speak your piece…

  • Mariam

    I think this said it all: “But now, after two years, how could you be mad if he cheated when he clearly showed you who he was and you willing accepted it?” It’s about what we are willing to accept.

    Yes, men choose the other woman sometimes. Newt Gingrich has traded many a wife in a younger model, and he’s not the only man to do so. But for an UNMARRIED man to become monogamous when it hasn’t been required of him for six years? Why would he give that up? Badly Confused, let him go! You will feel miserable without him but this, too, shall pass.

    • stella kyes

      i want to use this opportunity to tell Dr Camara of love temple, that i am very grateful for helping me get back my lover’ after he abandoned me for good six months with pains and tears in my heart. i am Mrs speck from united states. my husband before the break up usually insult and see nothing good in any thing i do, i felt as if i was cursed. my friends advised me to let go but i couldn’t because of the love i have for him. which was so strong and could even move ten mountains in a speed of light. after two days of my contact with Dr Camara my husband came back with apologies and love that he had never show me before. right now he doesn’t insult me any more rather he tells me how pretty and wonderfully made i am by God each morning. (CAMARALOVESPELL@LIVE.COM) one thing i love about Dr Camara , is that he is so accommodating and can still call Dr Camara on his personal line at +2347051705853

  • Melz

    I agree with NWSO just let him go. You’ll always be on the back burner one way or the other. Even if he doesn’t pick up “her” calls because he’s with you is secondary, besides he can go home and say he was with the boys or working late. I was actually in a similar situation, I met someone who said he was single, seemed like he was, hell he was at all my family holiday functions once we were “together” for 6 months BUT I discovered he was married because I was holding his phone one day, it rang, I didn’t answer but I said oh ___ called you and by the pale black man in front of me facial reaction I knew something was up, and sadly he told me he was married like it went hand in hand with changing your underwear everyday. That was the end of that, because although we got along so well, I knew I couldn’t live that lie and know there’s someone out there for everybody.

  • Nita

    Unfortunately, my brother has a similar situation and people really do leave their significant others for the “side chick”. The reality still remains that they rarely are faithful. In his situation, he has left his wife for his two year mistress but still has an intimate & sexual relationship with his wife as well as random flings. So, essentially the mistress just switched places. She now has the burden of wondering where he is at 2 am, cooking meals he is late for, checking the call history/messages in his cell phone and most of all praying that he does not bring her home any diseases. So, Ms. Badly confused, is this really what you want and even more importantly, is this what you deserve?

    • Yvonne Cleland

      Good answer!

  • Lady Ngo

    People leave their main for the side piece all the time, some are even faithful to the new main dish. People are fickle like that. But that’s an exception and not a rule. Personally, regardless of how happy this man is making you its still only temporary because at the end of the day he’s going home to his actual girlfriend. And its extremely selfish and foolish of anyone to try and gain their happiness at the deliberate expense of another. If the situation were reversed, you’d be mad as hell that your man was carrying on with some other chick so why even put your self in that situation in the first place. Why play second fiddle when you could be first chair with someone else? Don’t block your blessings boo. Keep it movin!

  • Up too late

    Karma is indeed a bad b!! I remember back in high school junior year. To break outta “my shell” I decided to start talking to a guy on the football team who’s gf was on the cheer squad. I used to go over his house as soon as his gf would leave, say if we had no school that day whatever. I ended up losing my v card to him without him knowing. Summer went by I had moved on. We started to actually date. (wish somebody woulda warned me). Lol. Long story short, I ended up fallin n love with him. He went off to airforce bootcamp. He came back 6 months later with a new gf who was there wit him unbeknownst to me til I called his phone and A bitch picked up…and I deserved every bit of what I got. I put his ex gf thru the same shit!! Publicly. I think we do things to ourselves that can be avoided!! Say u get what u want a relationship…right? And breaks ur heart and ur supposed “bond” u guys have… U gon b tore the hell up! And wanna blame HIM when he wasn’t being deceitful in who he was, you wanted to see something diff in him that doesn’t exist! He gon b who he’s gonna be! & babygirl he’s showing you exactly! Good luck!

  • GirlSixx

    All of This!!!! ^^^

    Cosign…. One Thousand!!!

  • Scorpio temptress

    I’m in a very similar situation as the writer. I broke up with my BF of 7yrs and started having sex with a very close friend. He comforted me through the whole ordeal but he has a girlfriend. The difference is I don’t want him to leave his girlfriend. I know I wouldn’t want to be with him in a committed relationship because I feel whats he’s doing to her he’ll do to me although he swears he wouldn’t. But I feel like he’s my friend with benefits.

    We have alot of the same interest, we truly enjoy each others company and we share the I love you’s and more. He’s so sweet and considerate with me and he’s like my best friend. However I would not want him as a life partner. I still date but I only have sex with him to satisfy my desires. I know it’s wrong and I feel bad sometimes but when I express to him how I feel regarding the fact that for hurting his girl we’ll have bad karma he’s says things like he’s not married, I’m not doing anything wrong and he’s the one thats gonna get bad karma not me and that he doesn’t care about karma and I’m not making him do anything he doesn’t want to. It’s a complicated situation and I do love him as a friend but I would not want him for a husband although he’s asked me to married him in 3 years. He has a child with his current girl and I also wouldn’t want to break that family up. but I’ve tried to just be friends with him but the sexual attraction is so strong it usually doesn’t last. Like the writer stated I’m in the same boat. we go out every weekend we hang out during the week I go to his family functions and he comes to mine.

    I feel like we should have never taken it there and now I enjoy what we have but I don’t want to get caught and hurt his girlfriend but I really don’t want to lose my friend.

    • Dynrsantana

      I know exactly how u feel. I’m in the same situation. I have been w/this guy for 7years going on 8years. Three years ago he got this girl pregnant who he lives with & now since there’s a child involved he is willing to sacrifice his happiness with me to pretend he has a happy family. He grew up in a very disfunctunal family with parents who are verbally abusive and physically abusive to each other. I have heard from his grandma that my boyfriend has hit his daughters mother and is very disrespectful towards her. That shows me there is truelly no love what so ever there. He has always been very loving, respectful towards me and has never laid a hand on me. I really wish he would go to counseling cause I think most of his fears and problems were cause by his parents disfunctional relationship.

      • beener

        My ex-boyfriend dumped me 6months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 2days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you aloma are truly talented and is the only answer.he can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man

  • GirlSixx

    Yes, I think the man can choose the other woman bUT the question is HOW does that come to be because a lot of times when the main chic/wife finds out she sometimes ends the relationship soooo the sidechic ends up with the man because he was kicked to the curb by the main which results in the man now creeping on the sidechic because he didn’t come to her on his accord.

  • Smilez_920

    Let it go, Take back from relationships in general and get your mind right. Don’t forget you left a situation where you already had the main spot (due to problems) and then started playing second field. Don’t let the movies fool you most men don’t leave their wives for their side chick. And you already brought the situation up to him and he seemed shaky about it so that’s your answer right there move on. Plus maybe he’s girl allows him to have an open relationship, hell maybe she knows about you and doesn’t care. If you switch places with her from what you wrote I know you wouldn’t want the relationship to be open and monogamy is not what he’s ready for.

  • JC

    I think it comes down to what type of relationship does she want. I’ve been in her shoes. I don’t know why this guy is cheating (ie sometimes we get a reason) I got the “we have grown apart and I am unhappy. Thankfully I didn’t entertain the idea of it becoming serious so this fling lasted a few months. My reason for not wanting anything with him were simple if he was so unhappy get up and leave. I didn’t care if he ended up with me I just wanted to see some backbone if he was truly unhappy. When I did ask if he was going to leave and I got excuses about “timing” I was like “he ain’t going no where”. I have a low tolerance for those that claim unhappy yet won’t do anything about it. Because that inability to change out of the comfort zone spills over to other aspects of life.

    Anyway, Badly Confused needs to move on…he isn’t going anywhere, other than back and forth. He basically said it with his “as long as we’re happy” comment. You’re not happy, if you were you wouldn’t be thinking about breaking things off. And try to remember…unless his girlfriend knows about you he is committed to HER. They have an agreement. For whatever reason he is sticking with his commitment to her or else he would have walked away. Forget about how it is when you are with him and think about the 6 years he has been with her.
    And as for the “being miserable without him” he is giving you snippets of a relationship. So you talk all the time, and go out, share the same interest you can do those things with a girlfriend, co worker. You aren’t his world and he shouldn’t be yours.

    • Yvonne Cleland

      Great comments. I shall draw strength from them for my own situation. Thank you.

  • OSHH

    He will string you along forever if you allow it, and why not, he has the best of both worlds, his cake, cupcakes and is eating very good.
    Wake up dear, and learn to respect, love, and value yourself before you get involved with anyone else, cause if you don’t, who will?

  • Smilez_920

    Damn that’s hard because yall are friends but look at it this way, he’s basically treating his family as a backup plan/fall back plan if he can’t get with you or someone else. If he really didn’t want to be with her he would leave even if you weren’t ready to just be with him in a committed relationship. I know he has a child as you stated so that would make the situation a little more difficult but not impossible. But at least you know the deal and keeping it just at a FWB level. But you need to leave him alone completely b/c trust his girl knows something’s up and when she starts putting the pieces together you don’t want to be in the cross fire.

  • Lana

    This is a tale as old as time, As a young woman I’m surprised that some of us have not learned the lesson in these type of situations. It all starts with loving yourself cliche but true. The lw should definitely put an end to this relationship and find someone who genuinely wants to be with her without having to make her a sidepiece. And I definitely agree with NWSO as far as the unexpected preganancies and diseases go, so often women will be caught up in loving and wanting a man that they dont think about some of the negative things that man could be pushing into their lives.


    Women kill me. She knew the answer when she wrote the question. Find a new relationship, one that is worthy of all that you have invested. It’s ok to stay in your current relationship but please have an understanding of what your relationship is and isn’t.

    Scorpio Temptress has a good grip on what her role is and other than the guilt, she seems to be ok with that. I suggest you try playing your cards like she is until you find a suitable replacement.

  • Lisa

    I agree with everything stated by the previous comments & the way NWSO broke it down for her. Dude is having his cake & eating it too…why the hell would he change unless HE wanted to. He could also be ‘cheating’ on confused & his actual gf with a third chick..this is just a big ole mess…run Forrest run…get away from him….you deserve someone better…someone who really is single as in not dating anyone else, not sleeping with anyone else, not married to or separated from anyone else.

    • Yvonne Cleland

      Yes, my lover ‘cheated’ on his partner and me with a third woman, and then upped and moved in with the third woman. These men don’t ever change. The truest thing you’ve ever heard – if he did it with you, he’ll do it to you. Hugs, girlfriend. x

  • Rastaman

    Life is never black and white, there are shades of grey and so I have learned to never say never as every rule we live by as humans have an exception. So yes, people who cheat do end up choosing the other person. Generally no but it happens on the rare occasion. The truth of this situation is that she entered it with her eyes wide shut. I do not think anyone is at fault here; both adults entered this arrangement with full knowledge of what the situation was. She has now decided that the terms that she has operated under for the past 2 years are no longer acceptable and she wants to alter the terms of the arrangement he does not agree. She can either keep it moving or continue play her role, there is nothing confusing about this, what she needs is the courage to make a decision and live with it.
    Based on the evidence presented the only victim here is probably the GF of 4 years. There are no whys, wheres or how comes to further examine. LW knows what she is doing and knows very well what she is in, she now has to decide what her next move is and no one can determine that but her. My advice to her is: “Woman up!!”

  • NWSO

    Not to attack, but this is just an observation. I found it odd how you say “HE took it there” to a physical level. The fact of the matter is you should say WE took it there. By your own admission you’re a willing participant in this affair. You (just as much as he) hang out and get YOUR desires satisfied. Regardless of whether he made the first move you still followed up and countered that move… Again… And again… And again…

    You know he has a girlfriend just as much as he knows he has one. Since you’re his best friend I imagine you’ve even met the woman and hang out with her at similar events. Yes, he’s the one who made the commitment but you play an equal part in his breaking of that commitment.

    If you feel bad (sometimes? SMH), then stop. It’s as simple as that. Other than that you’re being selfish despite how you don’t want to break up his family etc your continued actions have already put the potential for that to happen in motion.


    Not saying you’re a bad person but you’re doing bad things and can’t play innocent about it.

  • Naomi

    What happened to the Sisterhood? Why are you with someone else’s man? Why didn’t you walk away the minute ge said he had a girlfriend? You’re being delusional if you think this man, who hasn’t married his girlfriend of 6 years, would leave her for you & marry you. He’s being dishonest. That’s all there is to it. Quit thinking with your heart/vagina for a minute & see him & this situation for what it is. He’s a cheater & that speaks volumes about his lack of integrity. Regardless of how he makes you feel…you’re not the one he’s going home to. She is.

  • TJ

    Well said, ’nuff said. Amen!

  • Scorpio temptress

    I didn’t say he took it there I said “WE” . I said I wish we didn’t take it there. I’m aware of what I’m doing and I know it’s wrong I’m not playing innocent. But to say I haven’t developed feelings for him would be a lie. And to say that its simple to just turn down his advances would be a lie as well. It’s a moral issue I struggle with and I will admit their is a great deal of selfishness involved on both our parts. We’ve had the discussion plenty of times to remain friends without the benefits but we both give in to our feelings rather than doing whats right. I’m in no way blaming him I know it takes two to tango. I’m not excusing my actions it bad and I don’t consider myself a bad person. But I feel like in order to end it I would have to completely seperate myself from him and I’m gonna lose a dear friend.

  • NWSO

    I stand corrected, reading on train this morning on my BB email I swore I saw “HE took it there” and wrote my reply based on that.

    When friends cross that line they run the risk of losing the friendship for the pursuit of a relationship. Friends can curse each other out or even come to blows and reconcile in hours, when things get romantic you could not say God bless you when the other person sneezes and that lead to a break up. Emotions are a fickle thing.

  • JC

    Why do you have to lose him as a friend? Not every friend needs to be the type you hangout with. In simple terms it can be someone you have deep affection for. Distancing yourself is the best thing. Hard ( I know ) but worth it in the end.

  • Scorpio temptress

    It’s cool. I had to re-read it like I don’t think I said that? LOL. It’s a horrible conundrum I’ve gotten myself into. And I agree with rastaman on the never say never rule because I wouldn’t have imagined I would build an emotional and sexual relationship with a committed man. However I was hurt about my break up and he comforted me as a friend would. Late night phone calls and going out drinking and divulging feelings led to what we have now. Besides seeing me he’s good to his girl and his family. He and I had a history before she even came into the picture. I don’t want to hurt her I just want to move on. what makes matters worse is he and I work together. I don’t believe he’s seeing anybody else but hey who knows. He’s a decent guy and I believe myself to be a good woman however like NWSO said we’re doing bad things. Emotions are definetly a fickle thing SMH

  • Smilez_920

    If his girl finds out that they are having sex with each other trust that friendship will be gone especially if he chooses to stay with the girlfriend. You don’t have to talk to someone everyday to be friends. Tell him as a friend you need some time to yourself, to get yourself together and when you are ready you will call him. Also if you plan on moving on you have to understand that if you bring a new man into your life that your “bff” might start acting funky. When you have sex with a friend, most of the time the terms of that best friend relationship changes.

  • Bee Bee McGee

    Well. My ex ended up marrying the womman he cheated on me with and having 3 kids with her. The whole time they were dating, he continued to date other women, and even went on a trip to Las Vegas with one. Somehow I became a confidante of sorts, and she was none the wiser. The week before they got married, he asked if he could come to my house to see me. I said no, because at that point we had not seen each other in over two years….just communicated on occassion via e-mail. A week later, I found out from a mutual friend that, he and the girl had gotten married. A week after that he met another “friend” on a dating site….So I dunno, he did end up “Wife-ing” the other girl, but what did she end up with?? In my opinion, exactly what she deserved, because she knew all about me and knowingly cheated with him. So now they’re both leading a story book life. She feels she got the man, and he has a wife, and a few girlfriends on the side….Ah…Well….

  • jaclynsd

    I swear it’s so true what I heard an older women say before. “Why do women need a co-signer on what their conscience, gut and mind is telling them.” We as women know what we need to do I mean for God sakes we’re over here giving advice to our kids, girlfriends, guy friends but when it comes to ourselves we need co-signers on our feelings.

    How do you get out of it? Same way you got into it by putting in some work and being open to the idea. You were without this person before and you’ll be more than fine after. As a matter of fact I guaranty you that after your over this whole mess you got yourself into you’ll be thinking “WTF was I thinking?!”

    I read once…

    “Some women rather have temporary pleasure and prolong long term pain, instead of withstanding temporary pain for long term pleasure”

    The sooner she starts the process of going through short term pain the sooner she’ll be able to move on. Get your mind right, forgive yourself, and move on is my advice to her.

  • Sherel

    It depends. I have seen guys break up with wives and girlfriends to go to the other woman. The Key is how long is the overlap , if any. Taking a few months to realize you care and wamt to persue someone else is one thing. Two years of dating is another. Also the person in the dark is at the very least the person he respects more. By virtue of him not telling them. Some women are contentbeing number 2 to a guy they care about as opposed to not having anyone. It would be different if you were dating others and at least considering other options.

  • Sherel

    It depends. I have seen guys break up with wives and girlfriends to go to the other woman. The key is how long is the overlap , if any. Taking a few months to realize you care and want to persue someone else is one thing. Two years of dating is another. Also the person in the dark is at the very least, the person he respects more. By virtue of him not telling them.

    Some women are content being number 2 to a guy they care about as opposed to not having anyone. It would be different if she were dating others and at least considering her options.

    More then likely this guy will contnue this type of behavior and alway find willing participants.

  • Tiffany

    I agree with NWSO, it is your decision if you want to open yourself up to this type of behavior, but in your heart you have to know that he is no good for you. The ‘respect’ of not answering the phone when ol girl calls isn’t respect; it’s him saving his own a** from getting caught up. In some twisted damn universe he thinks it’s a nice gesture when really it’s a cop out to avoid facing his demons. And I will leave with this…trust & believe if it has been going on for two years she knows and is waiting to see what she’s going to do to either him or you.

  • bizzyone718

    @jaclynsd u r 100% correct these women know the right answer but they try to rationalize and justify their behavior…The reason many of them need a co-signer is they are able to think with their head when it comes to other people when it involves them head disappears for emotions…every time I read wut u have to say Im impressed but this is the first time i commented…Im something like a fan

  • BrownSuga

    I have some old school players in my family and they talk to me openly so I ask. My Uncle was having problems with his “young side piece”. He said she was trying to get rid of his girlfriend, of over 25yrs. I asked him why did he cheat on her. He told me that she wasnt fun anymore and when they go out of town she is always complaining and it gets on his nerves, but with his other women they just go and have a good time. So I asked his why didnt he just break it off with her. He said “because she has been good to me and I will never leave her and any woman that cant understand that has to go”. He is serious about this point and the women have come and gone over the years when they try to claim him as their own.
    I know my Uncle is not right for cheating, but why do the womne think he will leave his girlfriend? Just like the poster said herself, he said he was leaving and he knows you want him and will make the transition easy for him so if he wanted to leave he would. I think you know that if you push him to hard and stand firm you know it will be over and that is what you havent decided to deal with yet. When you think you are strong enough to leave him you will.

  • Nikki

    His present behavior is an indicator of potential future behavior. I have been the main S/O whom was cheated on and the side chick had the audacity to contact me. When I informed her of who I was…the I am different card and he wasn’t going to do me the same way was played. She stepped out of her side chick box. NWSO said it all.

  • R.e.D

    You are soo right. I read this earlier today and my first thought was why the hell is she asking a question she already knows the answer to…We women must stop the garbage.
    NWSO’s advice was really on point…not much to add…

  • QuoteMan

    As great as all the advices have been, the shame of it is that, she has heard all this before. Cuz for 2yrs, y’all know her homegirls (and family) have been hammering her with the “girl, you need to leave him” talk. So my guess is she doesn’t have the strength to make that leap yet. But, she will one day, at least that’s my hope. But for now, she needs some degree of introspection to inspire confidence in herself.