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Could You Date Someone Poorer Than You?

Posted by NWSO • June 26, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I’ve been dating someone for about a year. He was really everything I was looking for in a significant other. He’s responsible, kind, open-minded, hard-working, creative, thoughtful… I could go on. Career wise he’s a mechanic, and I’m a college grad still finding my way in the recession. This has never been a problem for me because I’m happy with the person he is and have never thought less of him for not going to college.

Everything was going great—no fights no problems. I would describe it as a great relationship. But recently I felt like I got a slapped in the face when he broke up with me. He said that he’s at the point in his life where he’s going to be. Basically, because he grew up less fortunate than me he has accomplished as much as he can and wanted to know if I could be happy with what he has. I did everything to reassure him that I was.

In addition to this problem he’s saying that he wants to live together, get married and have a baby, etc. and I just can’t give him these things now and probably don't want these things because of where I'm at with my life. In the end he broke up with me. Then, he called me two days later and said he didn’t want me out his life only to break up with me again two days later. I don’t know what he’s fighting with but the last time he broke up with me he said he can't see or talk to me because that causes confusion for him and he needs time.

I'm miserable because this is someone I really can see myself with and that I love. The thing to do seems to move along but, like I said, I'm miserable and honestly I don't want to be with anyone else. Feel like I’m being punished. What should I do?

I forgot to add that I come from a really successful family in the city we’re from and to add insult to injury I think he’s worried about what my family will think of him. Because he was asking if my mother knows about him and what will my family think of him if he buys me a small ring. And how will I be able to deal with his out of control family because he claims they’re all a mess. Bottom line I don’t care! I care about him enough that it doesn’t phase me.

Dear Ms. Independent,

What it sounds like is you're dealing with a frail male ego. Not sure how long y'all were dating before the ish hit the fan, but it seems like he's intimidated by your education and stature and his (in)ability to be a "man" (at least in his mind) and provider. Not sure why now and not before but that's what it sounds like to me.

Was there something that happened recently where he felt embarrassed that you can thing of? Like, you paying a bill, buying something expensive, meeting one of your friends that acted "bougie," etc.? Just any small thing that could have emasculated him somehow? Not that any of that would matter or you should coddle any real man, but I'm wondering what led to this "revelation" of him not being good enough for you.

Clearly he is fighting some sort of internal debate as he broke up with you and then got back with you only to break up again. With all that emotional turmoil I say you have two real options.

1) Give him a little space to let him sort stuff out on his own and be there as a friend if he needs that.

2) Have (another) heart to heart with him and let him know that what he does or doesn't have is not the defining signs of who he is, especially in your eyes.

You've been with him for this long and loved every minute of it and him, so no job, degree on the wall or amount of money in the bank will change that. You love people for who they are not what they do or have done. As long as you're not walking around throwing your degree or your family's status in his face he should have no worries about that.

Speaking of your family, I don't know them but at the end of the day while families do merge when marriage comes in to play, at the end of the day the marriage is about the two people that lie next to each other every night not mommy and daddy who live across town and visit every once in a while. This sounds like a scene out of Jumping the Broom where he's embarrassed of his family and trying to impress yours. I can understand that to a certain degree but does that mean he loves his family any less? I doubt it, and if his family is that embarrassing y'all can deal with how your parents blend LATER. For now the focus should be on how y'all work because if that ain't straight there won't be any need for parents getting along anyway because there'll be no relationship left.

You say you don't care about his job or background, so you just need for him to believe it. If he can't get over his own ego you really have to see if that personality trait is something you can live with forever. I have faith that y'all can make it work but only if he can just man up and stop being scared. All that matters is what exists between you and him what y'all do for a living and family views are secondary when it comes to your relationship.

Good luck.

Do you think that men have too much pressure to be providers? If so, is it a valid reason to break up with someone because you don’t feel like a “man?” Are there many women that could be with a man that made less than them or was less educated? How much of a factor would your parent’s standards be in who you brought home? Have you ever been embarrassed introducing your family to someone? Do you agree that this guy has a bruised ego? What advice would you give this woman? If she doesn’t want to have kids yet do you think the relationship is worth salvaging?

Speak your piece…

PROTECTION IS THE NEW BLACK, PT. III
The lovely Verneda White over at Human Intonation are holding their third co-ed discussion on HIV prevention this week. If you remember, yours truly sat on the panel for the last one and I’ll definitely be in attendance for the latest, dubbed “Protection is the NEW Black: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell…Testing the Truth About Sex.” In addition to insight from the panelists—Chris Kazi Rolle of Together Apart, HIV/AIDS activist Carmen Mendoza, Streetz from Single Black Male and spiritual leader Shawna Marie—about the impact of what we don’t discuss with or partners there will also be free HIV testing on site, as well as a wine reception afterwards. So come through and let your voice be heard and you might even get a chance to meet NWSO (I don’t get out much).

When: Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Where: The Loft of Kwane Spinks, 34 Cliff Street, (btwn Fulton St. and John St.), New York, NY 10038
Time: Doors @ 6:30, event starts @ 7

Click here for the evite info.

Tagged as: broke, dating, dear nwso, male ego

paulette_bajan_gal

As someone who works my arse off to take care of myself financially I personally couldn't date a broke man.Not because I want him to take care of me but because he has to take care of himself.Plus a partner should be driven and motivated to get to the next level in whatever he/she is doing.To say he's stuck on a certain level is really a cop out.Too many opportunities out here for him to be playing that game.

I have a friend who's a single mom attending law school.She found the scholarships and financial aid to get her where she wants to go...while raising a child on her own.If this guy has no goals and destination the chick is totally wasting her time.He could actually be detrimental to her success cause she will feel like she can't go to the top because he's gonna lose a left lung because of his insecurities.
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

I don't think the issue at hand is the amount of money he makes, it's if they are truly compatible with their goals in life. With him saying "he’s at the point in his life where he’s going to be" and with her still finding her niche in her career/education, it sounds like that's where the conflict is. He wants to settle down, and she's still forging ahead.

There's nothing wrong with being comfortable with where you are in life or having a job that is just a job. But if you are not of that mindset, it could be a big dealbreaker.
THAT Gyrl

I personally do not have a problem with unequal incomes, but what you are not gonna do is NOT work, or not have any ambition. If I am out busting my tail, so will you be. That being said, one partner making less money than the other does not = broke. Its just that- making less. Also, he may truly be at the top of his career. There may not be any options for him to advance further unless he opens his own business, (which everyone is not cut out to do) or changes careers. (why should he give up doing what he loves?) I also agree with AConleyCreation, that part of the situation is he wants to settle down, and girlfriend is not ready for all that. That is a common issue in many relationships regardless of money.

Ms. Independent is gonna have to make it perfectly clear to him that her love is not affected by his income, or societal stature... and while she is not ready to marry or have a family just yet- it does not mean she has no future plans to do so. If he can not come to grips with his feelings of inadequacy where income is concerned, and is not willing to wait until it is the right time in her life to begin settling down, then maybe its best that they part ways and find other partners that are on the same wavelength as they are.
MetLifeSnoopy

As someone who has grown up in an environment where there were money issues, the last thing I would ever need or want is to be in a relationship with someone who has the same issue.

"How much of a factor would your parent’s standards be in who you brought home?” - It wouldn't be a factor.

"Have you ever been embarrassed introducing your family to someone?" - I don't introduce people to my family.
http://shareefjackson.com Shareef

The guy doesn't sound broke in the story - mechanics can make a great living. Is it that he doesn't have a lot of money left over after bills, etc.

Anyway I agree with the NWSO advice - he sounds insecure. If he loves her, he'd march on and be the man that he needs to be to her. The parents will come around.
Beef Bacon

Success comes in many forms. Money and financial status is only one of them. Is she is happy with him possibly making less than her, tis a better situation than if she was with someone else with more money whom she didn't really love.

Money doesn’t keep you warm at night, you can't talk to it, it can't love you . Money pays bills and buys things. Things that will always need to be replaced. Love can't be so easily replaced. A loving relationship is worth WAYYYYYYY more than two incomes. Materials things come and go and a true love makes you not worry so much about all the bright lights and whatnots.

I get that no one wants to be broke, but what's the point of gaining the world all to lose your soul. Some of the riches people are the loneliest and unhappiest. I would keep my 'broke' man that loves/respects me and the rest can be worked out. While ole girl across town living in a high-rise with a loaded bank account waiting to meet a man on her level...my man and me will be running around our one bedroom flat on Southside naked and giggling .
justme

From a statistical standpoint, black women graduate at an alarming higher rate than black men. Which means over a lifetime, a college gradutate makes significantly more than a non graduate. Therefore, as we black woman graduate and shake the corporate world, the chances of us meeting someone on that same financial level become a little more slim.

From a woman with three degrees who is in love with a wonderful black man who only has a high school education, I MAKE MORE MONEY, most of the time, I keep this ship floating. BUT he works hard, I see his potential, I encourage his potential as he pursues to advance himself, I have his back. Is he broke finacially in comparison to me, YES! But spiritually he is rich, he is respectful, a great father, a loyal friend, so he is rich to me and worth holding on to.

I have had the ballers, but they were no damn good, I have flown across the globe with some of the baddest hustlers, but they lied, ran the streets all night, never saw the inside of a church, didn't even own a suit. I even dated the owner of the construction company that built my house that told me I never had to work if we got married, but he was never home, he worked 15 hours days in every state from VA to FL. I want respect, honor, adoration, loyalty, and faithfulness. So if that means your not on my financial level, I can deal with it. It's just a fuc*ing dollar am I gonna pass over a great man because of his income. If he works, has goals and dreams to be better in life, then encourage him to the next level or the next chick will.

7 years from now, check us out. Rome was not built in a day!!!
NinaG

Doesn't matter how much income my partner makes, but I'm big on financial responsibility. It's not attractive if you make a lot of money but don't know how to invest, save, reduce debt, etc.
Rastaman

The issue here is not so much financial as it his misaligned values and goals. It would seem that the LW and the BF are just not on the same page as to where they want to be as a couple. Those things are as important in a relationship as the feelings shared. So while money and social standing may seem like the obvious reasons for their break up there are other factors at work here that is making it difficult for this man to see a future with her.
Is he insecure, maybe but he may have reasons to be insecure. We are all insecure about something in life we will experience but it does not mean we are weak or incompetent it may just mean we do not feel a sense of comfort in that situation. I have been that man who walked away from a relationship because I did not feel I could be the kind of partner my GF needed. My life circumstances at the time made it impossible for me to make the kind of commitment my partner needed. In the long run I think it was for the best because I am realistic enough to understand that going in over your head is often a losing proposition.
It was not about whether she made more money than I did but it was whether I could carry my own weight. Far too many people continue relationships where they are unable or unwilling to maintain their own weight whether it is financially or emotionally. An insecure man would blame her for his inability to be the man a conscientious man is the one who is willing to end it before he gets in a place and probably disappoints her. Every day in this society men run away from situations because they just took on more than they could shoulder. It is often sad and lives are broken but generally it is because not enough thought and discussion was had in the beginning. Working for long term relationship success is about being communicative and being on the same page ultimately. That is not what is happening in this situation. She really does not seem to be clear and the reasons for her beau wanting out of the relationship, there is a lot of assumptions being expressed.
LW really wants to know what to do; she first needs to determine what the problem is and that can only be achieved through an honest and open discussion about their relationship. If that cannot be done, then you are really not having a relationship you are just casually dating.
Deka

great point. Be happy you understand that. #realtalk
justme

EXACTLY, naked and giggling with a bottle of rum we scraped up for the weekend!!!
Palmer P

Yes, and at the drop of a hat...as material things are needed in order to survive but money is the rute of all evil and the master of none though it is needed to pay necessary bill due...it should not be the controlling factor in a relationship...who knows that same person may turn out to be a rich man someday and if not again is about the inner being of one's self as we can not choose how rich vs poor we will be in this thing called life...something is better than nothing...and where there is a will there is a way that is why one walk on faith and not site...that same poor person could turn out to be the man/woman of your dreams with a inner soul that suppress money...all things come to God's children need's anyway and other's are just want's so with that said I am sure if he/she is poorer than myself there will be something else that stand out about the person besize his/her funds...blessings
http://www.imperfectenjoyment.com Dewan

Maybe this is more of a status issue than a money issue. A mechanic makes more than a college graduate "finding her way." Actually a mechanic with a lot of skills and certifications makes more than most people with master's degrees (unless he's a mechanic as in somebody's uncle's friend that fixes cars in his driveway). Either way I suspect that the relationship probably was not so great for him and he wanted to move on for reasons other than the strange "I've accomplished as much as I can."
da ThRONe

I find what people have become is disturbing. We allow ourselfs to be controlled by others so much we miss the point of things in the 1st place.

The goal of any romantic relationship should be marriage. Marriage should supercede all possesions. Yet we would attach a certain amount of possesions to determine worthiness.

I guess it also depends on how we're defining broke. If by broke in this case you mean I guy who's not making a lot of money than there shouldn't be a problem.
http://theworldoftiffany.wordpress.com Tiffany

I agree, He doesn't sound broke...he sounds complacent. If this is it for him then maybe that is the problem and with him seeing her going to school and furthering herself then maybe it bothers him. As far as her family, unless they are asking them for $ to pay bills, then it is none of their beeswax. If he is a good man like she says and isn't a cracky or Ike Turner then she should be straight.
Da Son

Can you say loser?

Not because he is worried about what others think, it is because he things so poorly of himself. When you find someone you really love and you know they love you, to allow petty things such as this to separate you from the one you love is crazy and he may regret it.

Hopefully he truly " will man up" and go back and get his woman before it is too late. She is clearly in love with him and he clearly has some issues that have nothing to do with her.

Can you marry someone poorer than you? Yes, love and marriage should be about the affairs of the heart versus the duckkats mane! Men have done this for years, so what is really the big deal?
Wmofyr

Well, he broke her heart twice in a week. He broke up with her. Then he build her up, saying he can not live without her or something like that... Then bam! Broke her down again. I think it's all bullshit. He might be the type that want to do nothing and he feeling like he can not get away with it, so he testing to see if he can. Or it's some other bullshit.

He had not met the parents. Sounds like this is early in the relationship and he talking baby. Alert Alert. Sometimes you have to say no, in spite of the guilt trip to get serious. When you get serious it should be because you feeling like that. It's one thing to be insecure, but to brake up with someone you love, that's serious insecurity. And it's a roller coaster, and guilt trips.

Plus, she's still finding her way, and her way ultimately will be better off than she is now. And he can't handle it. The income level don't matter as long as he's a hard worker. But the insecurity is just trouble: so far he broke her heart twice in a week. And it's his way or the highway, I think. What does he want for her: happiness? If it's happiness he want for her, well he failing at that: and it's totally within his control; the families had not even come into the picture yet.
http://www.facebook.com/asada6 Asada6

I agree, he sounds completely insecure which can cause misery for you both. Most men I meet make less money than me and are less educated, and I've learned you can only stroke a mans ego so much. No matter how much she tries to reassure this man that she is down for him, if he genuinely feels like his is not good enough for her on an economic level, he will NEVER let that go. And as she grows more and more successful, he will despise her more and more. He has to be secure with himself and what he has to offer for the relationship to succeed.
Lonias

I was all set to comment on how sad (and I still think it is sad) that this guy couldn't see this woman's love for what it clearly is: unconditional. And how sad it was that he was throwing what would surely be a fulfilling life away. Rastaman, as usual, you made me consider another valid perspective. I (we) forget that even when two "love birds" get together, there are still TWO people present, TWO futures, TWO lives...I really had to read this a couple of times. I so wanted this guy to see things "the way they really are", but then I realized that I just wanted him to see things HER way. THIS is why men need to speak up! I needed to read this to gain some perspective in my own world.

NOTE TO SELF: Romance can't win them all...
Wmofyr

You have to love yourself before you love others.

Also, I notice that there problems manifest from his own thoughts. The families are not in the picture, but it's a reason for problems. (guaranteed, some family members will be outspoken, like with any family) She's not worried about income, but he's worried about that; she already staying with him. Also, he wants to get married now and have babies: that is not on her two year plan book. She may need to know more about his thoughts about marriage and parenting. And that will assure her he is not the one; and she can stop feeling guilty.
http://robyninrealtime.tumblr.com rw

i was unemployed and freelancing and i was dating someone 5 years older who was in school for a career change, i thought both of our transitional stages made us at the moment perfect, turns out he just got worst. the more stress he would take it out on us and we ended because he wanted ti get himself 'together', which i can respect. more importantly, i was able to see how he handles stress, and it was a deal breaker
kat

I dated 2 guys who had less money than me and didn t come from a family with an academic background.So I had more money and was better educated.I guess there are only a very few man whou could work with that.By now I also know that I need a man who is at least as educated as I am.

The thing wasn t that they didn t have that much money, the thing was that they were very aware of that and had a low self esteem because of that.
I had the money to do things they couldn t afford that easily, one of them even tried to make me feel guilty about that because he couldn t handle that his affair or girlfriend could take care of herself.
He also knew that I had boyfriends who could afford to spoil me with everyting I might have wanted.
Sure, it s nice when my boyfriend has the possibility to pamper me but the last thing I am is a golddigger.

I dare say that in most relationships, where the guy earns less than the women, it becomes an issue someday.

I couldn t stick with a guy who says he is in a place in life where he wants to stay and be till his life ends, that s like saying "No, I m not really interested in learning anything new, I prefer to live in my own little world".
The question is if she can imagine being with a guy who doesn t seem to want to evovle anymore.
http://spchrist.blogspot.com spchrist

As long as she isn't irresponsible with money...then I would have no problem with that. Not every professional rakes in the cash...that's a reality of life.
poohbear

I was in a relationship with a man similar who did not feel "worthy" of dating me because he did not have the same level of education and I was encouraging and said we could make it. Later after marriage and two kids this man began to verbally and emotionally abuse me due to his deepseated self esteem issue. So when someone tells you who they are...believe them..(Thank you Maya).. If he don't feel worthy or able to be the proper mate for you believe him and move on. Stop trying to fit that square peg into a round circle.