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Help, I Want A Divorce But He Doesn’t (No Love Lost)

Posted by NWSO • June 27, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I need some advice about my marriage and I can't really go to anyone that I know because they’d judge me or tend to be one-sided about it. I'm 25 and I've been married since I was 20 and I'm having a problem accepting that this is pretty much it for me. I'm married with two kids that I love and I don't regret having them because they’re my blessings but I'm not happy with their father.

When I think back, I've never been happy with him. I got married because I thought I had too because our son had been born. I thought, well, now I'm suppose to get married, even though I wasn't ready. I was 19 when I had my son and I didn't have anything, I was only a year out of high school only had a semester of college under my belt but I was with this guy that I thought I loved. I was naïve and I was scared, and now I want out.

We met when I was 17 and like I said I was young and dumb and I thought I loved him, but after all the BS that I've been through these past years it’s made me not only want to get out of my marriage but it has also made me resent him. I'm also mad at myself, because I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be in my life right now. Don't get me wrong, from the moment I got pregnant with my son I knew that my life was going to change dramatically and I didn't have a problem with that because it was my choice to have him and his sister. I know you’re probably thinking, “Then what’s the problem?”

Well, first I don't love him—haven't for a long time now. He’s very negative, his priorities are all messed up, I've had to support him, and our two children, financially for the past three years, which has caused me to become depressed at times. I don't enjoy sex with him anymore and we constantly fight about it because he wants to do it but I don't be feeling it. I'm always unhappy, I moved to another state away from my family so that he could be close to his but he isn't as close to his family as I am so I'm constantly telling him that I want to move back closer to my family, and I don't get along with a lot of his family members which has made me moving really difficult.

The people that we were back then isn't the people we are today. We’ve had problems for years and we’ve talked about divorce many times, mainly it’s been me telling him that I don't want to be with him anymore and him not believing me or making me feel bad because of the way I feel. Every time I try to have a serious conversation with him—be it about our relationship, something with the kids, or him getting a job—he pushes it away not taking me serious and it frustrates me so much. I don't know what to do.

The last time I told him I wanted a divorce was early this year, but he was like I was wrong with bringing that to him because we had just found out that his father had cancer and he mad me feel like I was the worse person in the world for not wanting to be with him anymore. My family has been behind me this whole time and they agree that he isn't the best for me and that I should have been left him, but I just don't know how I would go about telling him and him knowing that I'm serious that I don't want to be with him.

He told me that he would go to counseling when I told him that I was going to leave before, but I think he did that just so that I would stop saying that I was going to leave. It’s like I feel that I take his feelings serious that’s why I don't want to hurt him but at the same time I don't think that he takes mines serious. All I want is to be happy, and I'm not, and life is too short not to be happy, but how can I tell him without hurting him? I just don't know how. Can you please give me some advice on how maybe I can approach this or something anything will be appreciated.

Dear Mrs. Ex,

This is kind of an intense situation. I've never been married or have any clue what it's like to go through a divorce (other than my parents but I was too young to remember) but I think you'll find your answer in one simple question: If not for your kids would you still want to be with this man—marriage or not?

If the answer is no then there you have it. Only you know the true dynamics of your relationship with this man but being that you were so young when you got pregnant and married those factors may have made you feel like being together was the "right thing" to do. Maintaining a high school love affair into a marriage (let alone college) is hard enough, so you may have grown out of love with each other a long time ago but had too many connecting bonds (kids and marriage) to just walk away.

Now, I'm not saying people should divorce at the first sign of trouble because if there’s anything I know about marriages it’s that it takes work, but if the love is gone and you're on the verge of resenting your partner then there's some real hard reflection that has to happen. I always preach about communication being the most important aspect of any relationship and from what you described that isn't there. You've repeatedly expressed your feelings on the marriage and he's ignored you and hasn't shown any true interest in listening or working on it. If my wife told me she wanted a divorce and I didn't want to lose her I would do everything in my power to try and fix the problem.

Counseling isn't just his problem it's both of your problems to deal with. Again, I'm no expert in marriage and can only offer my outsider’s perspective but I'd suggest you both at least try counseling before taking it to divorce proceedings. But truthfully, from your letter, it sounds like you've already made up your mind. You just seem too scared to make the decision or your putting your husband's "happiness" (not sure if that's the right word) before your own.

At the end of the day you have to live with any and all decisions you make, just as your husband does. You both chose to have children and get married but it seems like only one of you is concerned with keeping the family together. If he's decided to not care about your happiness with him, why should you care about his? A marriage can't work without both people and if you're the only one putting in an effort then it sounds like you have a roommate and not a husband.

Again, I'm no marriage counselor and a divorce is serious business so I'm not telling you to call it off. I do suggest y'all seek counseling and if all else fails, you know deep in your heart what's worth fighting for (alone) or walking away from. If the environment is not healthy for you and your kids then play your part as a mother and keep their best interests at heart as well as your sanity. If you do decide to get a divorce remember that you and your husband are always their parents and you don't have to be together to raise them right.

Good luck.

Do you think it’s ever a good idea to get married just because a woman is pregnant? Is 19 too young to get married? Do parents have to be together to raise a child properly? Have you ever been with someone that you fell out of love with? If so, how did you finally end the relationship? How hard is it to tell someone that you no longer love them? How often do you put your partner’s feelings before your own? Do you think couples should always explore counseling before filing for divorce? Do you think counseling could help this woman’s marriage or is the writing already on the wall? What additional advice would you give her?

Speak your piece…

PROTECTION IS THE NEW BLACK, PT. III
The lovely Verneda White over at Human Intonation are holding their third co-ed discussion on HIV prevention tomorrow. If you remember, yours truly sat on the panel for the last one and I’ll definitely be in attendance for the latest, dubbed “Protection is the NEW Black: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell…Testing the Truth About Sex.” In addition to insight from the panelists—Chris Kazi Rolle of Together Apart, HIV/AIDS activist Carmen Mendoza, Streetz from Single Black Male and spiritual leader Shawna Marie—about the impact of what we don’t discuss with or partners there will also be free HIV testing on site, as well as a wine reception afterwards. So come through and let your voice be heard and you might even get a chance to meet NWSO (I don’t get out much).

When: Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Where: The Loft of Kwane Spinks, 34 Cliff Street, (btwn Fulton St. and John St.), New York, NY 10038
Time: Doors @ 6:30, event starts @ 7

Click here for the evite info.

Tagged as: alimony, dear nwso, divorce, falling out of love

Shequita

I was 22 when I get married and we were together since I was 19. We separated a year after we were married. Never get married for your children, never get married when you don't even know who the hell you are as a person. I had a husband that wanted to deside for me. It's amazing what some years apart from a person can do to your self confidence and worth. Now I look back and I couldnt imagine how I rationalized marrying him would be the right thing to do in the first damn place??

My ex didn't listen to me when I said I was done, I'm tired, I'm leaving. He didn't want to go to counseling until I was gone and by then it was too late. Atleast he offered to go to counseling.

If/before you walk away try counseling with your whole heart and mind. Don't go into it already assuming the outcome, and if that doesn't work, leave. It's better to leave a marriage knowing that you truthfully gave it all you have...or have left!
Rastaman

I am a big proponent of children having an involved mother and father in their lives, ideally that would be a married couple but getting married just because you are pregnant is never a good move. Being married at 19 and having a successful marriage is presently an exception, mostly because a majority 19 y-o Americans tend to be quite immature and lack the requisite skills to maintain a marriage relationship.
““Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair is a totally different thing. A marriage is a commitment to that which you are. That person is literally your other half. And you and the other are one. A love affair isn’t that. That is a relationship of pleasure, and when it gets to be unpleasurable, it’s off. But a marriage is a life commitment, and a life commitment means the prime concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you are not married.” —”

LW and her husband have made something bigger than themselves and they owe it to each other and those children to do everything they can to preserve their family. It may not work but they cannot stop until they have at least tried. But both folks have to be committed to that same goal because without that shared commitment they have already lost their marriage.
http://nwso.net Gemini

Just Leave. You have given it the college try, you have supported him and moved away from your family to be closer to his and still its not enough. The counseling thing is for naught. Why do need someone to tell to you what you already know? You live it everyday. Just leave save your time save your money. The up part is that you are still young enough do still enjoy all the things you feel you may have missed. His father having cancer is terrible but thats a problem he and his family has to work out. He is just dropping something else on you that is not your problem. Do you have the cure? Pack your bags grab the children and get close to your own people. He will manage you'll see, your life is yours, you owe him nothing.

@Rastaman...there are immature 19 year olds in all nationalities.
Miss Conception

So, question for NWSO. And maybe for the first time I will address the question you gave to us. Are you telling her that she should stay? She specifically asked how to get out or how to make him see that what once was for her isn't anymore. I was just curious to know if you're solution to her leaving is to stick it out instead for just a little longer?
JC

I wasn't going to reply but Gemini said all the things I was thinking. My parents may not have divorced but they separated when I was two. As I got older and heard the fighting I was happy we all weren't under the same roof.

If you think your kids can't see, hear and feel the tension and anger you feel for your husband you are very wrong. If you don't leave for your sake, do it for the kids.

At this point you need to be a bit mix of a selfish woman and a protective mother. No one says you need to file the papers. Separate, go back to your family. If he is serious about making the marriage work he knows what he has to do. Start living your life the way you want it to be lived. Life is too short to worry about who you are hurting when it is so obvious you are hurting yourself.
http://realestdudeintheroom.com Sean Mims

Marriage in America is best summed up as a misunderstanding between two fools (in most cases). It's time to cut your losses. As a divorced man who was married for 13 years (ten happy and 3 bad) I think I have some relevant information for this question.

19 is way too young to get married. Twenty five is way to young for most people. At 19, one is still learning what they like. Getting married that young puts you at a disadvantage in a fight that is already up hill. Add children to the mix, and it takes to extremely gifted and lucky people to even have a chance.

Most people know that cheating and abuse are deal breakers that will end a marriage. A forgotten marriage killer is the loss of respect for the man. You no longer have respect for your man; whether that is his fault or yours, it is true. My marriage was doomed the day I got layed off from my high paying job. She no longer looked at me the same way. It was a slow, long journey but the destination was divorce. You can drag your journey out if you like but time waits for no one.

I do suggest counseling. You need to learn to become friends and co-parents. There is little hope for your marriage.
http://sillysinglegal.blogspot.com Co Co

Getting married because someone got pregnant used to be a normal thing, now we don't feel like it's a "good enough" reason. Why not? It might be the only way to save the black family. I don't think it has as much to do with the reason you're getting married as much as it does with our unrealistic expectations of what a marriage is or should be. Talk to enough people who have been married 30 or 40 years and you'll find out some very interesting things about how they got to that point. To the young lady, do what you think is best for you.
Mia C

I'm all about doing what is best for YOU and your children. From what I've read, it seems that you are the one doing all the giving (caring for your family financially, moving away from your people, trying to talk to him about your relationship, etc). All of your efforts are getting you no where, and it seems that you have thought this through and are ready to move on. So move on. How do you make him understand? Pack your stuff, and load the kids into the moving van. It seems that you are seeking validation for what your next steps should be, and in what I've read, you already have your answer. He'll be fine, so work on being happy for your. Your children will thank you for it, because you will be a better mother and a better person when you are happier with your situation.
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

Nope, I didn't tell her to stay if she wasn't happy just to really look at the situation, seek professional outside help and most importantly communicate where he understands what she feels. Sounds like she's already made up her mind and looking at the front door from the rearview though and if that's her decision so be it. The problem I see here is lack of communication on his part in respecting what she's saying as her true feelings.

Marriages shouldn't been thrown away at the first sign of trouble, IMHO, but if there's nothing left to salvage then by all means bounce.
JC

If he hasn't heard her so far who's to say he will when a marriage counselor is in front of him?

It sounds like she has tried and he hasn't even met her half way....what type of marriage is that?
Lonias

I agree with the advice both NWSO and Rastaman give. I'd like to add a caution, though. I am an avid proponent of the sanctity and covenant of marriage, and to that end, I believe in the value of counseling. The writer doesn't indicate the age of her husband and also doesn't say whether or not they are religious. Based on what I have, I recommend SECULAR professional counseling both individually and as a couple. The main reason is that I suspect that these two don't trust each other, but also because I don't think either of them are mature enough to discern a solution to their problems. This is going to take more time, and that's probably why neither have initiated the process. I also agree with JC: the kids KNOW. If one or the other or NEITHER can commit to discovering and then working through their issues, then it IS over. They've broken the covenant, anyway, by forfeiting their effort.
http://www.facebook.com/asada6 Asada6

Yeah, it sounds like she already know what she wants to do, she's just looking for validation so here goes mine, Leave! She already stated she doesnt love him anymore, so it's wrap, doesn't matter how much counseling they get. She just didn't wake up one day and think, "you know, I don't love him anymore". You don't have to be a couple to raise you kids and do what's best for them. Kids aren't naive, they know what's up. Leaving my be the best thing you can do for you and their peace of mind. Good Luck
terri

Is it me or is her husband mind fucking the hell out of her? It does sound like she has made up her mind. She just needs to stop being scared, ignore what he says, and be firm in her decision.( If she can't do that then stay with him until the kids turn 18 and leave. I'm sure you will have lots of energy and life left.) <----hope you can read the sarcasm in this part.
R.e.D

You know, you are so right. When you lose respect for your man-for whatever reason- things go all the way down hill. It's sort of hard to gain that back too. Now a man losing his job won't bother me, once he is actively searching for a next one and not sitting on his behind looking in my face to provide everything.
But another thing is this...when a man loses his job, he loses his sense of 'manhood' as well, his sense of being the provider, if you will. So when you lose this, we as women, have to try and help you still feel, well like a man. But a lot of times, you guys are so hard on yourselves when you can't provide for us, then you down yourself to the point where no matter what we say, nothing helps you feel better. So I'm not sure which is worse, the woman losing respect for you, or you losing respect for yourself, thus beginning the downward spiral of depression, self-loathing etc. Sometimes, we just can't help you.
NWSO you always give great advice, that I have nothing to add to.
marriedparent

All of the comments supporting this woman are great, but what's her part in all of this? How legitimate are her claims? We can all see how jacked up the husband is and has been, and she acknowledges her part in the very beginning with making a bad choice, but 5 years has elapsed and they are 2 kids in. I refuse to believe that it has ALL been her husband. He is not married to himself. He is the way he is for a reason, as is she. There is a reason why she feels so adamant about no longer being in a relationship with him. Playing devil's advocate: Can it be possible that the reason she is fearful of leaving is because her conscience is eating away at her. There is something that she is not telling. Or I could be wrong and she just married a donkey. It's possible.
But...I know this story, because it's just like mine. However, my spouse cheated repeatedly and I stayed, but then I cheated and he stayed. Communication was lacking and we tried to communicate to each other because we both wanted it to work. He wouldn't communicate, I was bossy, he lied, I yelled, etc.....we both played a part in how the marriage ultimately came to a separation. He couldn't get right, I decided I was done. I had to get over being afraid of stepping out on my own and I had to put on my big girl undies and do my thing. AND we have 3 children. Children are NEVER a reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship. They are inadvertently raising their kids to behave in the manner that they are acting, which now leaves society with children that see an unhealthy relationship as normal. They will repeat that.
I am currently separated but married for 19 years. Yes, that long! Call it crazy if you want, but since no one else wears my shoes, no one else can say what they would or wouldn't do if they are in my particular situation. Never say never, because you may eat those words! From the way she is describing things she is leaving a lot of stuff unsaid and making it out to be all his fault. I don't buy it. She might want to look in the mirror. That's just my two.
Wmofyr

Every day you need to tell him to stop being stingy, and support his wife and kids. He gots to bring in some bacon, or somehow make you better at your job, so that you gets promotions. There is so much dignity in working hard even if he not making six figures.

If you go to counseling again, tell them to work on communication. Even if you guys don't stay together, this will help you two a great deal.

And if it's possible get him a coach. He needs serious coaching, and you can't take him on yourself because he's such a drain, like a grown kid that is like your equal in the household. You got work and kid to take care of, and he being negative and draining. Get him a coach so he can set goals that bring the family some current income and plan on increasing the income in the future. Maybe the coach can help him with priorities and some sane perspectives.

A man who is not use to making a buck, will probably brag on his little bit, I bet. But keep that coach around as long as possible. He needs to stop with the minimalistic-ness and stinginess he has in the back of his mind. Good luck with him. I notice you didn't say he cheat or act like a cheater, or wife beater. But he still have to work on some serious things.
Rastaman

Correct!
It takes 2 people to ruin a relationship because it took 2 people start it in the beginning. What she wrote was her side of the story and that is what most people seem not to be considering.
nogamzhere

When I read this young lady's post, it was almost like reading my own life's story. I started dating my husband when I was 17 (I’m now 41), him 19 respectively; got married when I was 19 (DEFINATELY was the wrong thing to do looking back!!!). BUT, I Do NOT regret my daughter who will be 20 next month. In case you are wondering, at the time of separation, we had been married for 20 years; he was 42 and I, 40.

But like the young lady, I too, came to a point where I no longer loved my husband (for numerous reasons, and not just because of things that one would deem “his fault”). But I made the decision to put an end to the train wreck that WE BOTH, in essence had started. I asked for a divorce (for my 40th birthday gift actually), he didn't believe me, thought it was a joke, I assured him it wasn't. I made my requests, offered to pay for the divorce (which I have ); we both are still friends and can communicate with each other, luckily for our daughter's sake. I did not want to resent or hate this man, that, at one point in my life I loved and was the father of my beautiful daughter; that is how I finally made my decision. It’s been just a lil over a year since we separated, life is moving forward, and in a few weeks, our divorce will be FINALIZED!!!

Now other posters have made mentioning of counseling, and yes, counseling is a good thing; but, it only works when both are willing to do it. So, with that being said, you can pretty much figure where that fit into the equation.

SO, to the poster, life is short, don't waste precious time or breath, do what is best for you and your children; I did. Peace of mind and your sanity are worth more than anything else in this world! One thing to remember, that has helped me, I did not fight and argue over material things; just what was right and fair for my child and myself. I feel that I am a better person for it and have made out better than others in similar situations, everything has gone smoothly and he hasn’t fought me for anything, may have dragged his feet on a few things, but then, he didn’t want the divorce. So, hope my story helps and gives some hope!!!

So for now, I’m just sitting back, waiting to hear from the man in the black robe!!! LOL!!!
Wmofyr

1.Pay for everything and 2.also not stand up for herself or fight for anything? Hmmm, maybe one or the other, but not both, eh?
http://realestdudeintheroom.com Sean Mims

I agree....it's a big snowball and it ends in an avalanche of hurt for both parties.
http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com Marcia H.

I say ol girl should let it go. There's no point into holding on to something that is not there. And I promise the kids don't want them together if all they do is fuss and fight. They would rather their parrents be happy apart then miserable together. If she wants her husband to believe that she is done then she needs to pack the kids up and move up. I promise he'll take the hint that's it's over.

She also needs to honestly have a heart to heart with this man and tell him how she feels and why nothing is going to keep them together. She needs to put her big girl panties on and not let this man make her feel bad or guilty tripping her into staying in something that she doesn't want to be in. Eventually he's going to have to realize that this marriage isn't worth saving.
A Married Man

STICK WITH IT: Some days I feel like I am in the best marriage of all time and most days I don't.. But here is the thing if you get with someone else is it really going to be any different? You started something now finish it. My Grandparents put it the best way for me Love is like the stock market is it the only thing that you can be right 100% of the time and wrong 100% of the time.. You are going to have good day and bad ones thats life in general. Somedays I hate my wife and some days I love her. I have met some people who have been married 4 -5 times. I have met people who have been married 27 years and called it quits I just know that if I am unhappy with my wife then I will be unhappy with someone else. We have a bad relastionship and I used to think we had the worst until I started reading online other people stories mine is not so bad. Don't get me wrong we sometimes hit each other not like punches, black eyes, and steak ice packs but a slap here or there or a push but that is so common it seems that just the way it is.. I am not saying it
is a socially acceptable norm but it happens. Well good l luck to all you who stick with it and even more luck to the quitters.. Like they say once a quitter always a quitter ... Just kidding sometimes you make mistakes if the first one was getting married don't let the second one be a divorce..
Mygirls796

your story sounds a lot like mine! I grew up with my husband though. We were best friends for years before we started to date. But when we finally started dating I got pregnant right away! I was 18 at the time, and he was 17! during my pregnancy and after I had our first daughter he would always leave me for days, sometimes a week, at a time. I wouldn't know where hes at, whos he with, or how to get ahold of him. Then when another guy showed interest in me, he kept bugging me to get married. I seen he was trying to change so I agreed. Before the wedding it hit me I truly didn't want to marry him, but it was too close to the date I felt bad to call if off since I had a bunch of family coming to be there. After the wedding it's nothing but fighting and arguements on everything! Hes never happy! Always complains! Belittles me all the time! Hes so controlling I told him I feel like his puppet. I feel trapped with two kids, no support, nothing! But I recently read a quote that can't leave my mind, "you can't pray to god asking him to show you the way, if your not willing to move your feet"