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Have You Ever Been Scared of Love? (Excuses, Excuses)

Posted by NWSO • July 5, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

Where to start... I met this guy (Mr. X) about a year-and-a-half ago and we hit it off. Those months showed me who he really was versus the person that everyone who knew about him told me he was. We never had sex (his choice, not mine), yet he lit up every time he saw me. He told me that he wasn't looking for anything serious and I was okay with it, because just spending time with him was enough for me. Then, it started to get a bit more serious than I thought it would.

If I had to go shopping after I got off work, he was there with me helping me with my stuff, kissing me before we parted, asked for my number, let me sleep over, and having me text him when I got home to make sure I got in okay. He even took me out shooting with his brother—who doesn't like any girls Mr. X brings home from my understanding but I seemed to change his mind—and was hugging on me and winking at me when hugging wasn't possible.

Needless to say, I got scared, ended up talking to one of our mutual friends about it (of course he told Mr. X what I said, causing things to blow out of proportion) and I ending up telling him that I couldn't be his friend anymore because of my feelings towards him. After about a week, we started talking again and he told me that it had hurt him because to him, I had said I didn't want him in my life anymore. Either way, he ended up getting with this other girl who (from my best knowledge) is basically obsessed with him.

Side note: Mr. X is (supposedly) super anti-commitment. He had a fiancée that pulled tons of mind games with him—including the “I might be pregnant” thing every month and tried to schedule their wedding day on the first day of hunting season. We didn't really talk about it much, or my super-painful relationships that had made me skittish when it comes to someone actually showing that much interest in me. Just enough for the other one to know that is was bad.

Well, he's been with her for about a year (on and off), says he doesn't love or care about her, that it's just there and it's mutual. He doesn't really spend that much time with her from my understanding; his work schedule is all over the place as he does security at the place that I work.

We recently had a talk and he told me that he’s scared because it might actually work out with me. He's trying to leave the town we live in and doesn't want to be in a relationship that (he) can't leave. He also said that, he's been to the point of almost being married, and doesn't want to be in that spot again, because he already knows what's there.

Then, (and this is possibly the most confusing thing to me) coworkers catch him watching me while I work all the time and even though he's not supposed to talk to us employees (he's supposed to blend in) he'll come up and talk to me. He still lights up and if I hug him, it's me who lets go first.

Please help me to shed some light on this; I'd really like to know what he's said to me means and what your opinion is on my situation. I know that patience would be good to have for this, but at the same time I shouldn't wait forever for him.... right?

I'm so confused, I care about him a lot, but I don't want to tell him that I love him. Yet, I feel like he feels the same way that I do, but is holding back, trying to keep himself from me. I’m horribly scared to admit how I feel to him because of what he's told me. I've tried to be just his friend, to not be in any contact at all, but it seems like I can't. I hate being mad at him so I start talking to him again. I figured we just keep going in a circle, and have tried to put a stop to it by keeping positive and not running from him or how I feel.

Dear Scaredy Cat,

First off, that was a lot to digest but let me give you my take on all of this:

Well, I was going along with everything until I saw that this has been going on for over a year. That's more than enough time for you guys to figure out what's going on. Instead both of y'all just sound scared, mostly of each other because he's obviously committed to someone before and is kinda-sorta committed to someone now. As for you, you openly admit that you got scared and called things off.

#StopPlayingGames

That brings up the point of how/why he got mad at you for telling your friend how scared you were. What did you tell this friend that could have possible have gotten Mr. X mad? That you like him a lot? If so, SMH. Also, what kind of confidante goes and tells the other person what you told them in confidence? For all we know that “friend” could have delivered the message to Mr. X in a bad way and that's what got him upset/offended or whatever. The whole "I felt you didn't want to be with me" seems a bit of an extreme response unless that's what you truly said, which I don't believe you did from what you wrote.

Also, there are a lot of contradictions in your story: He's anti-commitment but basically has a "girlfriend" for the past year that's supposedly “obsessed” with him (then why's he with her if she's so crazy?) and when you guys were first hanging out he was all kissing and hugging you, but, again, he says he’s scared of commitment. So why's he acting like a man with commitment on his mind? He just sounds confused and that's not a good excuse. You guys are both just scared from what it sounds and need to make up your minds.

On top of that you drop the bomb and say that y'all work together, too? Yet another layer to this complex story. The more I hear the more I feel you should just move on because neither of you seem ready for a real relationship. He's the heartbroken ex-fiancé that once committed to someone and now can't anymore, yet he has someone for the past year (that’s not you) and shows you all the attention in the world when you’re around. Then, you're just as equally scared and walk/run away when the feelings get too strong.

But even after all that you ask "should I wait for him?" Sounds more like you need to wait for yourself to make up your mind first. Don't let his actions or inactions determine your life. If you finally decide you want a relationship and he's not ready move on don't wait around like boo boo the fool. If the stars align one day and he wants to see what's up and you happen to be single, hey, go for it. Aside from that waiting around ain't going to do you any good while he's busy with the next chick. Do you and keep it moving. If you can't woman up and lay your cards on the table he can either fold or go all in.

Good luck.

P.S.

The shooting range is a whole other topic. LOL

Have you ever been scared of love? Do you think the letter writer and Mr. X are just playing games? Is he more at fault than her for their current predicament? Is having a failed engagement ever a good reason to play with someone’s emotions? Would you ever start a relationship with someone that worked in the same place as you? Do you take meeting someone’s family as a sign that they like you? Do a lot of people set themselves up for trouble when they still pursue someone that says they’re not ready for a relationship? Is she playing herself in this situation? What advice would you give her?

Speak your piece…

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Tagged as: love, office affair

Ms. New Orleans

Run Forrest Run!!!. He sounds exactly like my ex. He uses those same tactics til this Day! If he's from New Orleans I can assure you we dated the same person. He's a very smooth talker and Con Artist. A leopard that never changes his spots. He's told you enough so he can always say "I said I don't want or need relationship". Great advice NWSO
Ms. New Orleans

BTW-"others tell a different story about him". Everyone can't be lying if we're singing the same tune. I'm quite sure he's and ex-cop also
Ms. New Orleans

BTw-"others tell a different story about him". Everyone can't be lying if we're singing the same tune. I'm quite sure he's an ex-cop also
jane

Being scared of commitment, or more exactly allowing oneself to love another person to such extent that you become vulnerable is normal.

Based on what she wrote I would say:
Talk with him and then jump in the water.You don t know yet if it s gonna work out or not, but you ain t gonna find out if you re only thinking about doing something.
Plus, if you don t act you ll always have the infamous "what if...?" in mind.
sexxybrown

Girl, do you. Dont wait for this guy. I get it, you care for him and you, want it to work out....but girl, sometimes you gotta walk away from a situation in order to see things clearly. You haven't fully walked away. Walk away. This is not about you being mad with him,. this is about figurung out what you really want. If its him, then go go after it. Tell him how you feel. Love is a risk. And if in the end he doesnt want to move forward with you, do like Martin said and put on your f*ck him dress and f*ck him! Move on with someone else. He's not the last man in America. It should not have to be a debate or take convencing to be with you. He needs to sh*t or get off the pot. Good luck.
PS. Sorry for all the profanity...this hit home a lil bit.
Jennifer

Sounds like he's just not that into her; not enough to actually verbalize anything. He's in another relationship already #notagoodsign and whether he tries to downplay it or not he's in it. From my experience if a guy is into you nothing someone else says or fear will stop them from at least seeing where things will go...
Rastaman

Love is a delusion but it can be one very scary delusion especially if you are unsure or unaware of where you want it to go. It is always difficult to comment on a situation when the person relaying the story is less than forthright. Burying the working together late in the letter says an attempt to be deceptive and prompts me to see another scenario.
LW has the hots for a supervisor at work, who happens to be in a relationship. It being a small community he is trying to play the whole thing off as them being just friends to stop folks from talking. She catches feelings and he balks because it just a little more complicated than he intended. She starts telling others about her feelings and he shuts it down because he knows it will get out. Since they work together he can’t really avoid her so he gives her a whole bunch of excuses as to why they need to just keep it friendly from now on. I am not generally this skeptical but I am guessing if there was no intercourse like she claims, there was everything else but. That is part of the reason she can’t let it go after a year+, she now feels she is being used and deserve more. It is always hard to be the other woman. The other woman always believes everything men tell them about current or ex SOs. It helps them legitimize feelings about being the side chick.
Artemis Fowl

You guys are lollygagging with one another. If he's not down to man up and express any feelings, the interest is mutual but not strong. Sometimes its a confidence issue but if he's already with someone.....you're positioning yourself for side chick status at most.
terri

I'd say that this is some mess all up and through here. You really need to fall back and assess the situation. Your emotions got your vision clouded and your judgement can't be trusted into you get it cleared. In my opinion anyway.
Christa

This is just a big mess and waste of time. You communicated your feelings. He got mad. Move on. So what if he's angry. How do you feel? He said he's not ready for a commitment with you, but he has a girlfriend. He's not that into you. Cut your losses now. You are setting yourself up to be the sidechick.
jaclynsd

People are so afraid of being hurt after they make a decision about what they really want they don’t realize that they’re already in pain and anguish just dealing w/being in the limbo!

Look girly some people are selfish, its just a fact. I’m sure you’re grown and know this. Why else in your own selfish way be putting up w/this. Your getting something out of it too. The fact he has a sometimes girl and he is still hugging you and loving the attention you give him proves it. The fact dude is stringing you along proves it. So save yourself some time and figure out what you want w/out bs from him. You don’t have to put your cards out there (your not even dating him) or even stress about this guy. You action will speak louder than words just back up. When and if you figure out what you want like NWSO said then put it out there and if his down then go for it but if not like my girl put it “your either riding on mofo bus or stop standing in the fucken door way”

SIDE NOTE: I think Rastaman is right on about what’s really going on in this scenario.
Mr. Gorgeous

Really? Man, let this guy go and do something else with your life. He's obviously damaged and it's not your place to fix him, especially if he has neither asked you nor made any efforts to try to work things out for himself. Life is not forever, and there are plenty of guys out there that would give you the commitment that you want(?). If he comes around then great, but you shouldn't waste your time waiting on him if he can't man up and be real. My mom has gone through the same thing with my dad for 24 years and after 2 kids and the kind of devotion that he has never in his life deserved, he's still running around like a little boy. Go on with your life, get married, and have some babies with someone who gives you some act-right.

- Mr. Gorgeous
http://theworldoftiffany.wordpress.com Tiffany

Run Forrest is exactly right and funny BTW. Being scared of love isn't far-fetched. Listen to your gut instinct!!! That's my take on it.
Wmofyr

Girl you sound like you have a rosey view of him. But how can being with another woman be rosey. And you two are at the same level you were a year ago: no commitment, secret about the kissie stuff, etc. The fact is, he is not on the same page you are. And he is not on the same character level in relationships as you are. You faithful, soundslike, and he with some other woman.

I think he jerky you around, and you need to stop putting your emotional dreams stuff in this guy. At least, get you a side guy if you plan to continue this. Since you guys are not sleeping together.

On a deeper level, this will make you desperate for his attention.. And then he'll have you jumping through hoops 1 through 10 for an ounce of his attention (an ounce is nothing): while never giving you the relationship you want. And this is how a beautiful, smart, or whatever, woman can turn desperate and foolish. He turning you battie and desperate: self-esteem may turn to zero. I say transfer to another department, if necessary, to get away from him. Save yourself.

He wants a relationship, but he don't want a relationship (he scared and a player). He wants you badly, but he don't want you badly enough or seriously... See he damaged and foolish.
Wmofyr

And when you decide to dump him, don't go into the 30 minute explanation, and don't let him guilty you or make you the bad guy.
Shaqtastic!

You don't need to wait for him. You need to heal yourself.