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Should a Mother Be Jealous of Her Own Daughter?

Posted by NWSO • July 7, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I just recently turned seventeen and I’m always so ridiculously horny! It's not even funny. I can even get off by listening to Robin Thicke's “Sex Therapy.” I'm almost always thinking about sex and masturbate quite frequently. At school I imagine being taken advantage of by my male teachers and I mentally bang almost every good-looking person I see.

I’m told by my mother that sex is beautiful and wonderful… blah, blah, blah but only when you're married. She is like the EXPERT at never making you want to have sex. She'll say things like, "Each sexual partner you have, you’re inviting them into your spirit, your being. You’re taking any filth that they have physically and spiritually into your body."

I’m pretty sure my mom was a slut when she was a teen, because she’s always bragging about how attractive she was like, "Wow, I was just thinking about how truly perfect God made me. I was absolutely perfect from head to toe as a child" and "Well, you should have seen ME as a seventeen year-old, I was way prettier than you." Those are some of the very memorable quotes from my mum. She’s quite conceited and sometimes seems a bit jealous of me. Kinda like the mother-daughter situation in "Lolita." She always is saying how much she wishes she were 17 again.

Needless to say she’s pretty extreme. Also, a lot of my family members were pregnant (I say boys are preggers too when their GFs are) and she was like, “Oh, look, now their baby shows everyone what they were up to, the disgusting things they were doing.” And when my cousin got pregnant she was like, “Oh, she must be so scared to have this creature growing inside her and using her body. You don't even know how it will be or if it's evil.” Yes, yes, my mother is a little scary and wacky!

I don't even date, 'cause I know my mum will think I’m having sex. She said to me that she can see it in people's faces, and by the way that they act. So best just not to make her thoughts go wild. But I just get so horny and masturbate four-plus times a week. I don't really feel guilty anymore, 'cause what else am I supposed to do? I do it ALL the time, and it just doesn't seem to do the trick. I need something more. I'll masturbate at night, only to either want to again immediately after, or the moment I wake.

I don't seem to get much interest from boys my age. I don't think I’m drop dead gorgeous but I am quite beautiful and I don't have an icky personality either. It seems that all boys just seem to be interested in the stereotypical more Euro looking girl. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places. I do, however, get tons of attention from grown ass men. FML. I always get harassed by African men, and Italian/Portuguese men. I don’t know

it's always just grown men that say I'm beautiful or *shudder* “bella.” I believe men are mostly perverted because seriously, what do you want with a seventeen year old?!

Also, I find penises to look disgusting. When I see one, I honestly cringe. My body even balls up a little. I don't know what I’m hoping you can tell me, but I thought it would be beneficial to myself to tell someone all of this, and hopefully get some feedback. I am 100% NOT a troll. So this is sadly all very real.

Looking forward to your response.

Dear Youngin’,

I'll start with the easy part: it does sound like your mother is a bit jealous. Seriously, saying, "I was way prettier than you" is extreme. Like, who cares? LOL. It just seems like your mom was the hot prom queen type in her heyday and now she's seeing a younger model right in her own home that's grabbing attention from men her age. If she was/is someone that let's her looks and how men view her define her then that's a major blow to her ego.

Is it right? Nope.

What can you do? Not much.

You can't help how you look or that time may be catching up to your mom. That's just part of life. She should spend more time loving her daughter than competing with or comparing her daughter. At the end of the day that's your mother's issue so let her know you love her and let her deal with that on her own. I'd hope she'd rather a beautiful daughter like herself than a busted one. #KanyeShrug

What I do wonder is where your father is in all this. If he is in the home he needs to get on his job and let her know she still got it (even if it's only in his eyes).

Now as for the horniness you're 17 that's what your hormones do to you at that age. You're transitioning from a girl to a young woman (still a few years away from a true womanhood) and you're starting to come into your sexuality. I know exactly what you mean about feeling "dirty" because most of us are taught that self-pleasure is wrong or "bad." The fact of the matter is that's how we get to know our own bodies. How can we ever enjoy being with someone physically if we don't even know how to be with ourselves or what makes us feel good? Besides that I'd rather you explore yourself to satiate your curiosity than open yourself up to diseases, pregnancy and heart ache for choosing the wrong person to share yourself with.

The only potential downside to your multiple "me time" is you may desensitize yourself or get so used to climaxing one way. I don't have a vagina so I don't personally know if it works like that (I'm sure some older women readers on can yay or nay that in the comments section) but I have heard that about "too much" masturbation. However, everyone's body is different and if it ain't broke don't fix it.

To a certain extent I agree with your mother in regards to there being no rush to have sex, especially if you think penises are disgusting. (They are actually LOL). You're young and have your whole (sex) life ahead of you. Plus, if you really are not a troll like you said boys and grown men are going to be chasing after you for years to come. You might as well get an early start on discerning the real from the fake in terms of who's out to really know you and those that just want something from you (i.e. sex). In that regard your mother probably has your best interests at heart with all the no sex talk she's just going about it in an overprotective way.

Learn from the "mistakes" of your family members and realize that sex only lasts but a few moments while its outcomes (pregnancy, disease, etc.) can last a lifetime. Your young and will eventually do what you want sexually just make sure you're smart and safe. When and if you decide to get physical I just hope he loves you for you and not the idea of you and vice versa.

Good luck.

Do you agree that this girl’s mother is jealous of her? Is it wrong for a parent to compare themselves to their child? Did your parents tell you that sex was “bad” as a way to deter you from doing it? Does that approach ever work? Do you think this girl is having too much “me time” or is that totally normal for a 17-year-old? At what age did you discover self-pleasure? Did you ever feel “dirty” about doing it? Do you think it’s perverse for grown men to chase after young girls? Do you think that has something to do with her mother’s jealousy? What advice would you give her?

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Tagged as: Mother/Daughter Relationship, teen sex

Older & Wiser

Wow, sounds like the LW wants validation that self pleasuring is ok until she can get the real thing. It has delayed her sexual exploration with boys so it has kept her mom off her back. I think soon as someone close in age to her that she likes/loves gives her some attention she will give up the goods. Sex is very pleasurable and when she experiences it there will no turning back! Masturbation is practice for the real thing and that's where she is headed with time and opportunity!
Enid Wilson

Horny teenager and prom queen mom, what a combination in the household. Fire may broke out if a hunk walks right and is lusted by both.

Chemical Fusion
MetLifeSnoopy

Why SHOULD a mother be jealous of her daughter? I skimmed through the post and for some reason I felt that what I read is fiction.
http://sunnydelyte21.wordpress.com sunnydelyte21

I think her mother is jealous. You can't compare yourself to your child..thats wrong in my book.

Self love..I promote that. Its healthy & safe! It helps you get to know yourself that way when you are ready for sex.

I discovered self love...when I was a teen...I found it to be the best things ever!! LOL I don't feel dirty talking about it!! Its a part of life and sex.

Grown men always are chasing little PYT...it makes them feel young again...or whatever.

I see keep self loving. Wait until your ready to have sex..mentally ready. Ignore your moms comments...she's just jealous.
http://theworldoftiffany.wordpress.com Tiffany

I think she should wait for sex. Esp. if she is grossed out by penises. Her mom may be a little off, but either way that is still her mom and maybe she should try and talk to her or one of her teachers or counselors since she is still clearly in school. Just not one of the male teachers who she wants to jump her bones. As a teacher, I experience all types of wack job parents, but if she sits down with a mediator to help her talk to her mom that may help the situation.
Also, if her dad is around, which it does not seem like it, he should talk to her about being "aware" of older men because this young lady seems like she can be swayed easily.
http://nwso.net Gemini

Mothers and daughters at some point in almost all households will bump heads. In my family my sister says things about me to my mother about me and my children that I would never think that a sister would say. My mother never questions her but instead chimes in. I'm the blacksheep. I dont know why but I am. I love my mother but I have chose to X my sister out of my life. I wouldn't trust standing in a dark room with her. I guess jealousy could be the culprit. I dont have much, but it seems to make her so angry. I will say for myself that my Sh*t is tight and all acheived without a man. My children are the bomb too so is my grandson. If I don't congratulate me and pat me on the back, who will?

The masturbation thing is true. A woman can desensitize herself that was one of the reasons I decided against getting a clit ring. The other reason was I didn't want people to think I was having a seizure if it hit that spot. I would ease up on the the personal pleasure parties a little, four plus times a week is a little much.
OSHH

I think some of what her mom said is correct about sex.
IMO sex is serious and sacred and there are spiritual components.
I think her mom shouldn't try to frighten her but do a better job explaining and offering guidance.
Her mom also needs to learn some humility and humbleness.
Some men go for young girls specifically cause they are green, and much easier prey. Alot of people are pervs quite honestly, and the young girl needs to stay in her lane and league. No need to rush and the excessive self pleasuring can cause desentization, moderation is the key in all things.
Sister Wayhedia

No never, if anything she should want more for her daughter than she obtained herself...that is the purpose, when a Mother has a child/children the main goal is to give the child what was taught to u and more therefore say u obtained a masters than u would want a NBA for your child at the lease a Mother who truly love her daughter teaches her in the way to go and they become the best of friends even though it is her Mom the respect level is way up, such as lesson's learned from a Mother to her daughter to make her a better woman than she was herself...priceless....
http://www.imperfectenjoyment.com Dewan

"Masturbate four-plus times a week"? I already have her beat this morning alone. My advice is to have safe sex with someone who cares about you.

I imagine mother-daughter relationships get tough as one ages and the other becomes fine as hell, like I bet you are. Don't let that ruin y'all. Have your SAFE fun, but don't tell mom. You'll probably laugh at all this years later.
jaclynsd

I think its really sad her mother compares herself to her daughter. Its bad enough to hate on someone because of looks or anything else, but to turn it around on your child well that’s just sad and emotionally disturbing. Not to mention pathetic.

In my case I have a little girl and in the past she seemed to want to compete w/me or something. She would ask me if she’d be more beautiful, or even smarter than me. At times she would say things like “my friends tell me that your pretty and wonder why I don’t look like you.” To which I responded that her “friends” where jealous and just wanted to make her feel bad. That if she really believed I was that beautiful then she should know as my daughter she is beautiful too. “but they say I don’t look like you.” Again my response would be that she did and that as a matter of fact when she grew up she would not only be more beautiful but smarter. That she needed to stop comparing herself to me because I was not her competition but her mother. That I loved her and was very proud because I was blessed w/having a daughter whose beauty on the outside matched her insides.

That’s what this girls mothers needs to be doing and maybe just maybe she’ll know and figure out that validation is NEVER ever our appearance on the outside but our character and who we really are on the inside. Like I told my daughter, and I’ll tell this little girl, you have been blessed w/looks but they don’t last forever, there will always always be someone younger and more beautiful. They’ll (looks) make it easier for you to get in the door, but what you have on the inside and what comes out of your mouth will keep you inside those doors. Know your worth and never ever sell yourself cheap and more important when it comes to sex remember this…although your body maybe ready, when it comes to the first time you need to have your body, mind and heart ready. Because if she doesn’t she’ll regret it for years to come.
http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com Marcia H.

I know when I first read the young ladies letter I was totally confused and had to read it again b/c so much was going on.

I do think her mother maybe a tad jealous of her. #GoFigure My advice to her is to hold on til she leaves high school and goes off to college. Make sure she stays on campus so she won't have to deal w/ mom's wrath.

About the horniness, yeah I wasn't that bad when I was 17. I had urges sure, but not to the point where I was masturbating 4 times a week. I didn't start pleasuring myself until I started having sex. And yeah penises aren't the most attractive looking things (neither are vaginas) but oh when you find the right one... you'll overlook their ugliness and find them to be one of THE most beautiful things you've ever seen. #TrueStory
http://www.AConleyCreation.com AConleyCreation

This post just screams of daddy issues. Doesn't take a Freud to call this one like it is.

She fantasizes about her male teachers, yet shudders that men hit on her? We attract what we give out. It's no surprise to me that grown men are hitting on her because she most likely (unless the fantasies are a result of the desire to be dominated) has some attraction for an older man... plus if her libido is revved up like it is, she's gonna attract horny guys.

I think the insatiable sex drive, the desire to have an older man (teacher) "take advantage of her" (domination), what I'm assuming is a lack of a father in her life in some form (since nowhere was one mentioned) and the dynamics of the relationship with her mother are all factors that can lead her into some trouble if she doesn't seek counseling.

I can imagine her becoming quite the wild child if something isn't fixed. Adolescence is a challenging transition in life, and having the best tools to make it through is crucial. I fear she will become so wrapped up in sex and with the wrong people, to fulfill a feeling of validation.
Wmofyr

The attitude about older men hitting on her was, "they must be perverts." That's good. Some girls start seeing older men at 14 and they think something is special about that. But I see here at 17 the attitude is different.

Yes, the mother does sound jealous and a little pathetic. That's here vice, trying to be a kid again. She a little off; or maybe I don't have the full picture.

Masterbation? That can get a little ritualistic. Certain time of day, alone in room, nothing to do, etc... But you haven't gotten crazy with it, so self love away.

Hopefully, you do not end up with an older man, at least not until you are 25. The ones who will date a kid, or a near-kid, will ruin you.
fay

I wished the mother would have the talk with her , tell her to have safe sex and never with anyboby she doesn t like, not if she doesn t want to...
If you make something a forbidden fruit the desire just gets worse and worse.

The mother seems to have quiet a lot of complexes and the daughter seems to be a trigger to whatever.

The thing about grown men being attracted to her...
Well I know that it is hard to tell if a girl is 17,18,19,20.
From 15-1 everybody thought I was at least 21(not only because of my looks but because of the way I speak and behave).

She should stick to loving herself.
Maybe she can find out why her mother has such a big roblem with sex ?Because it s obvious that that s a general problem for her.
fay

Well, I was and I am still attracted to older man.I got no daddy issues, so that equation doesn t always work.

You re right about the counseling, but the mother should go too.
http://amberyum.blogspot.com AmberYum

I can truly relate to this girl. However, her mother did give her a good reason why she shouldnt have sex.

“Each sexual partner you have, you’re inviting them into your spirit, your being. You’re taking any filth that they have physically and spiritually into your body.”

I believe that.. Thats reason enough to not want to give away the goods so early.

And as far as being attractive to men that are older is the story of my life. SMH.. But since I am older these older men are actually becoming more and more appealing.

And I cant speak on the mommy issues because I have similar mommy issues.
Karahmelle

Hmmm not sure if Mom is jealous or not but its always a possibility. Or maybe albeit sadly on the mothers part, mom truly is disappointed that her daughter isnt the looker she had hoped to have. It really makes me wonder with everybody jumping to the conclusion that the mom is jealous is that just the easy/more palatable answer because most women would probably deny that they werent as pretty as mom was in her heyday or that they werent mommys princess? Either way I believe the truth falls somewhere in the middle being a little bit of both. I dont have a daughter but I encourage my kids to surpass me in all ways. Unfortunately all parents are not that secure. But mom issues aside this young lady is looking for the guidance she isnt getting at home. She needs loving, secure nurturing to lead her up the path of womanhood. She needs to know what types of touch are acceptable and how much, she needs a helping hand in knowing the types of interaction/boundaries that are appropriate for her and kids her age. Not handed a condom and told to wrap it up. She needs to feel confident and strong in her faith and self-worth.
Kern Tristan

As a 25 y.o man, I must say that this is truly an unfinished prose. We don't have a complete scope on what is triggering these responses from Mom. I do agree that the presence of a man is not at all apparent, and could be what is igniting Mom's anger or jealousy. To the young lady I say this. As a man it is attractive for a woman to be comfortable with her sexuality. Do it when you are married if you can hold out that long. If not, be comfortable with it in your heart, mind and soul. Understand not just sexuality but intimacy as well. Every man that will tell you he loves you, in reality will not. Be secure in who you are. Respectly address your mother about how you feel about the things that she is saying to you. Try to cherish the time you have with your mother and as a virgin. At all times remember that your virginity is a gift, and you don't want to gift the wrong person and for the wrong reason. Put God at the forefront of your life and gift your husband on your wedding night ultimately. You are a queen and remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I love that you can say that you are beautiful. Shows some semblance of confidence and that is good. Be strong and love yourself. Chill out on the masturbation. Will only increase your desire for the real thing and as a result may lead to you gifting for the wrong reasons. Sex is about the emotional and mental more than the physical. When the emotional and mental are on parallel planes the physical fits right in and the experience blows your mind.
Ashley Stith

ya this girl sounds kind of fake but on the desensitize thing...I dont agree...i rub one out several times a day and I have my clit pierced and havent lost sensitivity. I kind of cum easy anyways but a clit piercing isnt really like that the only time it feels uber sensitive is if i do like jumping jacks..eitherway ive had my clit pierced for 2 years and its still the best thing i have ever done!!..never thought sex could get even better!...idk thats my 2 cents
Ashley Stith

ya this girl sounds kind of fake but on the desensitize thing...I dont agree...i rub one out several times a day and I have my clit pierced and havent lost sensitivity. I kind of cum easy anyways but a clit piercing isnt really like that the only time it feels uber sensitive is if i do like jumping jacks..eitherway ive had my clit pierced for 2 years and its still the best thing i have ever done!!..never thought sex could get even better!...idk thats my 2 cents
Ashley Stith

ya this girl sounds kind of fake but on the desensitize thing...I dont agree...i rub one out several times a day and I have my clit pierced and havent lost sensitivity. I kind of cum easy anyways but a clit piercing isnt really like that the only time it feels uber sensitive is if i do like jumping jacks..eitherway ive had my clit pierced for 2 years and its still the best thing i have ever done!!..never thought sex could get even better!...idk thats my 2 cents