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How Long Should a Crush Last? (Love Me/Love Me Not)

Posted by NWSO • July 11, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I tried to submit my question to you through Formspring but it was too long. So here goes: I’ve liked this guy for over three years so it’s too long to be just a crush. I don’t know how he feels about me because I never asked him mainly because I’m scared of the answer.

Our friendship has lasted through crazy girlfriends and small arguments. At one point he asked me if I liked him and I said, “Yes.” Then, my guard went up and insecurity took over and instead of asking him how he felt about him I said, “I don’t expect anything in return.” He didn’t speak to me for a few days after that conversation and a lot of time has passed since that then.

There have been many times when I would stop calling him because I was trying to get over him, but he would always call and asked, “Where have I been?” We’re still friends and if I need something he’s there for me and I’m there for him.

My question is; should I let go of my feeling of being more than just his friend? Or, should I be a woman about mines and admit my feeling for him?

Thank you for your time.

Dear Still Crushing,

You said early on that "I don’t know how he feels about me because I never asked him." If you noticed the word "I" was used twice in that sentence, which means it's all on you as to why you don't know. I live by a simple rule: Ask me a question and I'll give you an answer. The flip side of that is: don't ask me a question you don't want the answer to. In either case I believe you want the answer(s) from this guy so simply ask the man what's up (in the event that he's single of course).

After three years of uncertainty you can solve everything in three seconds. The "worse" that can happen is he says he's not feeling you like that and then you can say thank you and finally on move on because you won't be spinning your wheels anymore. Then, of course, he could actually say he's feeling you and you guys can see what the future might hold. For all you know this may be “the one” but you're too scared to pursue him. Step to the plate or step out the way so the next woman can (again). It's as simple as that.

One thing I didn't get from your letter is the depth of your “friendship.” With the various gaps in talking on your part it doesn't seem like y'all are besties but cool nonetheless. A true friendship is the foundation of any long lasting relationship; it's also what you risk losing in the event the romance doesn't work out. But I'd like to marry my best friend so however this pans out I hope that that’s the kind of connection that waits for you in the future.

At the end of the day this guy knows how you feel/felt because you told him a while ago it's just that y'all both let the conversation fizzle out and never brought it back up again. Still don't know what you meant by "I don’t expect anything in return” (maybe he didn't either) but that's neither here nor there. It's time for a new conversation between y’all that hopefully comes to a resolution that'll make you both happy.

Good luck.

When was the last time you had a crush? Did you ever reveal your feelings or kept them to yourself? Is three years too long to have a crush without acting on it? Do you think this guy would have said something by now if he were interested? Is this woman just playing herself at this point? Do you feel they really have a friendship or is she just holding on to the idea of being with him? What advice would you give this woman?

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Tagged as: crush, dear nwso, friendship

Cogniveritas

The last time I had a crush was in high school (I'm out of college now). I was friends with this girl and I waited about 6 months to let me feelings be known because there was strong noise from people around me that she was into me and she did act that way. Before I could really tell he what I was feeling, the whole topic of birthdays came up, and she thought I was a year older than her instead of a year younger, and when that came up that I was younger... Things got distant after that. Isn't that something? When I finally told her I was into her, she just laughed it off. So that was the only real crush I had.

In reference to the guy talked about in the post, I don't think three years is too long to finally open up to him. If she can hold feelings that long, there really is no telling what he's thinking. He could be afraid to mess up something good as well and just kept it quiet. It's also my opinion that contrary to the PUA doctrine, they can be friends and later progress into something more if they both have the will.
ladyfromNO

I currently have a crush. After reading your response I am going to tell him how I feel.
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

Good luck with that sis
http://nwso.net/2011/07/11/having-a-crush/ PrettyPetiteCaliDiva

Its crazy, I was in the same situation last year during my senior year of college. I definitely revealed my feelings, and hoped for the best. But only thing was, I was very insecure about our relationship/friendship, when I asked him how he felt about me, he got upset, that I had even asked, as if, the fact we spent so much time together, which was almost everynight that it was validation for his feelings. Nonetheless, we never became a couple, but he's still 1 of my closest friends. I love him to death. Now that we've kinda gotten back to where we were last year, before he started talking to some1 else, I know he likes me, but I think now, he's just playing the game of being single, in some sense, seeing if I can really his bestfriend, like I joke will happen. And if all else fails, I find that using a little humor can help ease the tension when telling how you feel or asking questions. Its direct and gets the point across..... And if he doesn't return the feelings, politely pull back especially if you guys are sexual.
Enid Wilson

Ah, that old feeling. The last time I had a crush on someone was over 20 years ago. I dread meeting him again. What if he was bald and plenty of wrinkles? Haha, as I have.

Chemical Fusion
irish_mami8

I had a crush on my best friend who I was in love with, and he died in a car accident before I told him how I felt. Trust me. That's not something you want to go through. I cried worse than his mother and had to leave the church. This was 12 years ago, and I can still remember how hard it was knowing that not only did I lose my friend, but I lost my chance. The second one
OSHH

It seems to me after three years AND him knowing she likes him but no reciprocity on his part, that she already has her answer.
I would think that if the man liked her in a romantic sense, wouldn't he have let that be known by now, made some type of move etc????
Rastaman

An obvious downside of the platonic male/female relationship is often the unrequited feelings. After 3 years we are not looking so much at a crush as something akin to obsessing. It is not easy for everyone to step up to the plate and make their intentions known to the object of their desire but dang all that procrastinating make me think the fantasy of a relationship is much more attractive in her mind than an actual relationship. If that is the case then enjoy it for what it is and stop with all the angst.
I am certain I have had a crush on someone but I cannot seem to recall when that was last. I am at an interesting place in my life where my concerns where women are concerned is to not send the wrong signals to platonic women friends or act oblivious when I get come-ons and try to play it off as being unaware. Something we do often as men when women come on to us and we have no real interest beyond friendship.
We only commit to acting to change a situation when there is more to gain from the change and or we can no longer accept our current status. 3 years says acceptance.
http://realestdudeintheroom.com RDITR

I am shy by nature and as a youth, the only thing that got me was alone and curious about any number of the many crushes I've had over the years. As I got older, I realized that a closed mouth never gets fed. I am now a talker. And if I see something that I am even just remotely interested in, I will find out where her head is.

I truly feel bad for the young lady who has been tormented with wondering for 3 years. And I certainly feel for irish_mami8. The thought of that situation is crushing....

Good luck to everyone. I hope your crushes like you back. I'm still trying to find out how to get Stacy Dash to return my calls.
Artemis Fowl

As a man. I've definately been here. I assume my actions let her know I'm down. If we're texting back & forth, I ask you to call me & we talk long, and I'm wanting to hang out with you: I'm assuming my feelings should be obvious, but I've learn very recently that that's not the case. There has to be some sort of statement blatantly putting it out there....or else the other person might assume your not bout it bout it.
http://nwso.net Gemini

Bald and with maturity wrinkles?! His wrinkles may fit into yours. Go for it! A well seasoned slightly marinated man is good for the soul Honeychile!
Artemis Fowl

You're right. It's much too long. Especially when you two have been interacting consistently. Most of my platonic friends who are just friends I will here from then now & then and speak peroidically when I see them. The one's I'm trying to rise to the top with....well, we'll be getting up consistently & eventually I'm going to speak on what's going on with us.
Wmofyr

Assuming that this person is single, 3 years seems to be a very long time. A long time for you to not tell him; or even do some kind of slight move that you know he would notice as something romantic, but not be too overt.

But you did admit that you like him. But that is not saying much. A woman can have a crush but never want to do anything about it. You have to tell him you want to date him. You can say it jokingly. "If you got love life issues, them maybe we should date, since we already know so much about each other. We can solve our issues together, ha ha ha."

Anyway, keep in mind that people are different when they are in a relationship. They are more vulnerable, and their baggage might act our a little. And what do you know about his relationship behaviors. Did he tell the last woman or two that he did not want a serious relationship? Does he date multiple women per week, or month? He may tell you he is not in a mindset to be good in a relationship right now.

Good luck. Whatever happens, he is not likely to put you down like you a stranger. Or maybe he was just waiting for you to jump him with free sex all this time, lol. Just kidding. But you need to either open or close this door, and move forward. Maybe you guys will end up agreeing to continue the friendship platonically.
Artemis Fowl

Back in high school & college, many of the women I was into would do things I saw & viewed as interested, but I was so shy....things would spiral on and on until she'd get weary by the time I tried to express my feelings. Nowadays, I don't allow crushes to exist...I just see if your down & try to build things from there.

Recently, there was a girl who I had been talking to constantly & seeing but we graduated. We've kept in contact on facebook & called each other a couple of times, but then I saw something about her getting married & I fell back. If we ever talk again.....I'm going to put it out there....it's become a waste of time for us to chatter ideally & not going anywhere. thoughts?
http://nwso.net Gemini

I once had a crush on my math teacher in high school many moons ago. My friends mother told me he was one of the models she dressed at various fashion shows. Boy! did I Love that Man! I have since matured and I am now lusting after my 25 year old trainer. Damn! he is just! just! If he tells me to lift my leg one more time, I swear I'm gonna wrap it around his neck.

Maromamaxwell

I can be your trainer!

Naomi

I had a crush a year ago & I told him. I was feeling bold....I crashed & burned.

Osirius

I've had the same experience but it was odd. It was about her, but she didn't know. When she got wind of it, she asked who she was and clowned me for getting played. Needless to say, I had all my questions & misgivings answered and stopped speaking to her. Can't help but wonder, if she knew it was her I was feeling all this towards, would she feel guilty for clowning me? #DeepThought

fay

3 years seems like an awful lot of time for a crush.
A crush is for me when you re attracted to somebody, in the beginning definitly mostly physically because you only know the surface ( if that person isn t a friend).
After three years I dare say it s a possibility that it s not only a crush but she has fallen in love.

If a guy tells me he likes me, it doesn t mean he likes me in that crush) way.Could be he thinks I m just a cool person and he lieks t hang out with me.

Crushes are dangerous if you don t act on them because a lot of women (at least lots of those I know) build this fantasy around him, how it would be to be with him etc. .
She should try to get over it, if that doesn t work they need a break from the friendship but she shoult talk with him about him.
Nobody`s a mindreader.

Sure, I had crushes.They usually last for just a few days,sometimes a few hours.I rarely act on them as I usually have a crush on somebody I don t know really well or I ve just seen them for a bit, like on an airplane.
http://theworldoftiffany.wordpress.com Tiffany

That was funny.
Kara Nichell

I say tell him the worse answer you can get is no, your feelings will be hurt and you wonder why you even asked him but you will bounce back. I think everybody who has the "friends" only relationship with the opposite sex questions could their be more than friendship,but then they dont want to lose the friend if they cross that line. So go for it!!!
http://Popinfresh26@yahoo.com Deirdre Scott

Well crushes can last a long time since I have had a crush on my childhood sweetheart for umpteen years. Lol. He got married many years ago & has children & is now a pastor of a church. & when I think about him I still feel a slight twitter. It is what it is & I have moved on & have met several people from online. I have made a few good friends & we meet & have lunch sometimes.
difficultisnotimpossible

I can relate to this post in many ways (minus the three year crush situation). When I have a crush, which happens often, I almost never acknowledge it probably due to the fear of rejection thing, so I just end up hoping the crush figures out that I like him and makes the first move. It also makes me feel silly though because I feel like by this point in my life I should be bold enough to tell a guy I like him without being so shy about it.
Lonias

I think it's interesting that most assume that if you don't tell the crush you're crushing, he/she doesn't know. Lack of acknowledgment could just be a "no". I don't think people are that dense. With that said, being honest about how you feel, especially within a friendship, is highly recommended. When you have a crush on a friend, they need to know so they won't inadvertently step over new boundaries, like giving you the play-by-play of their dates/relationships or hugging you a little too long and low

Sometimes any answer, including "no" is motivating. Life has to keep moving...
Artemis Fowl

Crushes are bad b/c they are built up emotion without interacting with the other person feel him/her out and see if he or she might be in a place to be with you intimately or remain friends.
Jessica J

This is an interesting post as I am in a situation similar to this. My male best friend knows me better than anyone knows me. Sometimes knows my thoughts when I don't know them. Can read every part of me like I'm a book that he wrote. And he's been in love with me for going on 7 years now. He was there with every ex including the most recent one, every heartbreak, every experience. We've went months, close to years without contact and always, always seemed to find each other again. A few days ago, he expressed to me very clearly the depths of his feelings and told me that after this long, this much time, now that I am more than fully aware of where his heart lies...if I choose to be with another man, he's not going to wait for me any longer, because he doesn't think he can handle watching me with someone else again, all the while me wanting to selfishly keep his friendship just in case things don't work out with other guys.

Honestly, my life has been long. I may be young but I feel so much older and nobody every thing I'm just 20 yrs old. A lot of people enjoy the dating game and getting to meet new people and start over. I don't. Nothing turns me off more than having to go through another cycle of teaching a guy how to love me again, when right here, in my face, by my side longer than anyone is a man who's stuck by so long that he already knows me and what I want and deserve. I actually accepted his offer. I told him I wouldn't be with other guys. And I don't want to. I feel safety with him. And unlike other men who might do good things for me, I still expect them to leave, but with this guy, he has shown be without a doubt that he won't leave. And that makes my heart feel safe. God willing, this guy is the one for me. It's all a risk at the end of the day. Hopefully we can risk it all, to gain it all.
http://thingsilearnedinmy20s.com J

I believe in simplicity. You've told him you liked him and even if it was followed up by a quick defensive comment from you, he knows you like him and still hasn't pursued anything. After three years, the guy knows how you feel. Also, if he liked you, it wouldn't matter that much if you were giving him signs or not (which you already have)-- he would eventually pursue you romantically, period. I say move on, he's already given you an answer.
http://nwso.net/2011/07/11/having-a-crush/#comments PrettyPetiteCaliDiva

But ive found a man's actions can still be misleading. While me and my guy friend were good last year, he dodged me for another, who ended up playing him. And even now that we're getting close again, and I spend so much time with him, and his family, I question his intentions. I know he's attracted to me, but how would I know if he likes me? we don't hold hands, we don't kiss, so now those actions have me confused. lol You guys are soo freaking confusing, and i bet if i asked he liked me, he'd get offended and upset. CANT WIN FOR LOSING! haha
Gena

I had a crush on this guy for almost 2 years. We re both seniors in college but lived a few hours away from each other. He was my friends brother and had a girlfriend at the time, so I never approached him until he became single. I let him know that I had a crush on him but not for how long. After communicating for a few months and hanging out, he told me he liked me as well. We had sex 2x, but shortly after having sex his communication fell off, and I haven t heard from him since . I was very disappointed, but I chalked it up as a loss and him being immature. It sucks when you genuinely like someone, and they pretend to like you just to get some nookie...I said to myself wow, waited 2 years to have this happen?? SMH
Kern Tristan

Men are confusing? Ha!!! Women you're the more complex of the sexes. Men are pretty much black and white. In your case if you said dude is playing the single game, then the idea of getting into a relationship may be the farthest thing from his mind. I'm a firm believer in communicating my feelings. Only way to know how some one feels is to sit them down and talk to them. I can only speak for myself, but as I tell my soon to be wife, I'm not a psychic. Don't expect me to read your mind and figure things out. Be straight with me. If you don't like something say so. And vice versa and so on and so forth. A lot of times women want men to be CSI investigators when it comes to matters of the heart. Spell it out for us... Makes life so much easier
Kern Tristan

Can't reciprocate if you don't know how she feels. For all you know he may just be waiting for her to step up and say something. I'm a man who at times likes for the woman to initiate whatever form of contact or communication is waiting to happen.
Kern Tristan

Glad that you finally decided to give that brother a shot. I was that brother. And at the time unfortunately I had to say enough was enough and just let her go. We're still great friends and we talk often about the what ifs. She acknowledged that of all the guys she's had in her life that I have always treated her the best and was always there. For whatever reason she said she just couldn't wrap her mind around us getting together. She is unhappily married with children and recently said to me that she wishes she had just followed her heart and got with me. Told her I will always love her but I'm happily planning my marriage and can't live in the past. Plus the added fact that I have no children and she wants no more. Her kids are practically mines (God father) but I still want my own. And I will soon once I'm married. Lol. Give the brother a genunie shot. Keep your mind clear of any distractions. God willing he'll be what you've been missing all these years. And you're never too young to fall in love, and have a life full of experience.
Kern Tristan

Man have I had crushes. I'm engaged and recently developed a crush on a friend of mines that has only came into my life quite recently. She's a lovely person and being the blunt person I am, I told her that if it weren't for that fact that I was in love with my soon to be wife I would definitely pursue something with her. Is that bad? I'm quite honest with my fiancee' and she knows all of this. She said she has the ring and is about to have the last name so it's whatever. Lol. Love her so much for that. But I guess vocalizing your feelings never hurts. I would never step out of the boundaries of my relationship. Not worth it for a crush. She will be a life long friend. As my other crush is. Lol
Artemis Fowl

I've kind of been like that with someone. I've learned to be very decisive about these things. When me & a women are vibing, it's going to get to a certain point where I put out my agenda for us & try to see if she's with it or not. I just straight up ask her what's going on & tell her what I've been thinking. I'm trying to avoid wallowing in that confusion of does she like me or not. If I sense we're vibing, having deep conversations,....it's time to put some definition in place. And as a man, it's my job to do that.
Artemis Fowl

I find it hard to have that long a platonic connection with anyone who I am seriously into. To constantly care for someone and watch them marry someone or date other people when she can feel a chemistry between us & I've expressed interest. I take it as rejection and walk away. I don't want to waste my life pursuing someone who is that close to me & isn't willing to give me a chance. Glad you finally wised up though. Keeping a guy in the reserves as a fallback is great as a safety net but awful b/c he might go ghost & now instead of experiencing the love you craved with someone who really cares....you're seeing him win with someone else.
Jessica J

@Kern and Artemis. You know, the guy I'm talking about is in the Navy. And right now he's on a ship for 40 days and won't be able to contact anyone. But he snuck his phone on the ship and found a signal out there in that water just to text me one message to say that he loved me. It sounds unreal.

It will never make sense how we can have the one thing we've always searched for right in our face and not notice it. Maybe you only see things when it's time to see them though. All that matters is, I see him very clearly now.
Artemis Fowl

@Gena I'm sorry to hear that. Doing all that just for sex is pretty pitiful. He could've just let you know from the gate that his interest were just sexual. There is someone who left my college who I was vibing with & we kept contact afterwards for a month or so but I think she's engaged with someone. So I've cut off contact because I don't see us going anywhere if that's the case.

@Jessica I'm glad you see the value in his affection!
Kern Tristan

@Jessica, I'm glad that you can see Mr Sailor for who he is. God definitely allows us to go through difficult times so we can appreciate the blessings he puts in our lives. You wouldn't have wanted to have gotten together with gentleman and taken him for granted. Better that you all get together when both of you can take serious what you are doing and not hurt each other. It's truly special when the love is genuine. For him to risk losing his career just so he could tell you he loves you gives you hope that you made the right choice. Finally!!!
Paigefiercecat

hey yea i have had a crush on this guy from day one when i first met him we use to text everyday wen he asked me for my number and he asked to see me a alot of times but what gets me is he always throw this busy stuff in my face but yet he still wants to see me i would say iam jiust confused about the whole situation i really like him and he told me the same so what happen was i had a phone and he use to text me every day then all of a sudden the phone crashed on me an would not cut on so we were out of communication and i didnt have my phone but the craziest thing is he lives in my neighborhood and i have know him for like 5 months and we still have not gone out its like iam waiting on him to ask me but its like am i going to have to make the move? I would say he might be nervous to ask me i mean we can go like weeks without seeing eachother and we pick up communication back up and hes a nervous to come to my house because of my mom he say she just got to much drama on her.. but this one night we ran into eachother on the bus and it was night and we kissed for the very first time an then he started holding my hand so iam like confused are we going out then we call eachother babe on text message and on facebook but it just stoped i think i did something wrong so idk keeping my mouth close and my feelings to myself is not geting me anywhere and sometimes i just want to knock on his door to say hi but then i just keep procrasenateing about wow when am i going to just stop and tell him how i feel any advice what i should do?

Anonymous

Y'all playing games (him more than you). Sounds like he's not really focused on you for whatever the reason and you're driving yourself crazy in the process. Hopefully you're not just waiting around for this guy and going on other dates etc because if you're always available after he disappears for periods of time he could easily take you for granted. I'd say keep your options open until he comes correct. But more than that if you really feel unclear and want resolution just talk to him and see what's up. Let him know you like him and the wishy washy ain't cutting it so you need to know if this is going anywhere or is it just a waste of time. Only way to get answers is to ask questions.

Good luck.
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Paigefiercecat

hey yea i have had a crush on this guy from day one when i first met him we use to text everyday wen he asked me for my number and he asked to see me a alot of times but what gets me is he always throw this busy stuff in my face but yet he still wants to see me i would say iam jiust confused about the whole situation i really like him and he told me the same so what happen was i had a phone and he use to text me every day then all of a sudden the phone crashed on me an would not cut on so we were out of communication and i didnt have my phone but the craziest thing is he lives in my neighborhood and i have know him for like 5 months and we still have not gone out its like iam waiting on him to ask me but its like am i going to have to make the move? I would say he might be nervous to ask me i mean we can go like weeks without seeing eachother and we pick up communication back up and hes a nervous to come to my house because of my mom he say she just got to much drama on her.. but this one night we ran into eachother on the bus and it was night and we kissed for the very first time an then he started holding my hand so iam like confused are we going out then we call eachother babe on text message and on facebook but it just stoped i think i did something wrong so idk keeping my mouth close and my feelings to myself is not geting me anywhere and sometimes i just want to knock on his door to say hi but then i just keep procrasenateing about wow when am i going to just stop and tell him how i feel any advice what i should do?
Paigefiercecat

then i catch my self having feelings iam wondering is it just lust or do i feel somethin more cause we most deff.. hav that intimate connection going on so i dont know when i kissed him ai felt a spark.. he always know how to make me laugh but then we know how to me serious i got some thinkin to do this has really been on my mind any advice
Paigefiercecat

then i catch my self having feelings iam wondering is it just lust or do i feel somethin more cause we most deff.. hav that intimate connection going on so i dont know when i kissed him ai felt a spark.. he always know how to make me laugh but then we know how to me serious i got some thinkin to do this has really been on my mind any advice
XMiss_MSimsX

But if you don't want to tell the guy how can you forget about him?