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Could You Date Someone Who “Used to Be” Gay?

Posted by NWSO • July 12, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I'm a 23-year-old Black male living in the South. I just finished my first year of grad school and I'll have completed two graduate degrees by next year. I work and I'm pretty much independent. I'm always reading about the shortage of good Black men, and I think it's garbage. I consider myself a good man, and I think I could really make some woman happy.

People always say how good-looking, intelligent, nice, and fun to be around I am and then they always give me a funny look and wonder what's wrong with me because I don't have a girlfriend. I always resort to the fact that aside from class, work, and Wal-Mart I'm pretty much locked inside the library or my apartment. This is true for the most part, but I always fail to reveal the fact that I have a more than friendly past with other Black men.

When I first began college a few months before my 18th birthday, I began dating men and I did so off and on up until I turned 22. I've never had sex with a man (or a woman because I'm actually against pre-marital sex—go figure), but I've kissed and fondled my share of men.

Long story short, I finally stopped dealing with guys around the time I turned 22 because I wasn't finding what I was looking for, which, after counseling and a few familial blowouts, I realized that I was just looking to be loved by a man because I'd never experienced that. My father and I only recently began being cordial to one another. He was always there for me financially, but he never spent any time with me and he didn't hug me or tell me he loved me until I was almost killed by a gang of robbers at 22.

Although I was angry at him for doing these things under the circumstances that he did, it was the most amazing hug I'd ever gotten in my life and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy because for the first time in my life I felt as if my dad was actually my "dad" and not some adversarial human ATM machine and that I really was important to him and that he really did love me and want me as a son.

Although I realized long before I approached the age of 22 that I wasn't really attracted to men, I continued to date them because it was what I knew. I knew how to talk to men and how to play all of their games and I enjoyed it until it became serious and they wanted more than friendship and a warm handshake from me.

I had a way of attracting great guys that were well educated, well paid, handsome, and decent people and getting them all wrapped up in me and then telling them that I couldn't be with them. To be honest, the thought of being in a relationship or having sex with a man scares the hell out of me. When I was younger, I enjoyed masturbating with men because it amazed me that other guys could be so much like me (I'm a weird narcissistic guy), but that soon grew old and seemed really immature to me. I've never had one romantic or sexual dream about a man, and when I think of being in love, I always see a woman.

Early on I worried about what my family and society in general would think of my being bisexual, but eventually I got over that and began making preparations to come out of the closet. I "came out" to a few friends and relatives, only to realize that I'd made a big mistake. It's very easy to come out of the closet, but it's impossible to say "just kidding" and go on with your life, especially if you're a man and Black.

My issue is that I've been discouraged from seriously dating women for fear that they will somehow find out about my past dealings with men. I've talked to girls that I've told about my past (mostly bisexual girls) and they've all said that they would never date a bisexual guy or a man that has ever been interested in men because they felt he would always be gay, which I found strange seeing as how they are themselves bisexual and actively involved with females.

I took Psych 101 and I've known a lot of bisexual girls so I understand that women's sexuality is more changeable than men's. But I think the operative phrase here is "more changeable" because it implies that men's sexuality can in fact change. I've even joked with girls that I've dated about it and they've said things to the tune of "I'd f*ck up his life if I found out a guy I was dating was gay." Ironically, these are girls that have dated guys that I know for a fact are or have been involved sexually and romantically with other men.

So, you see, I'm stuck in a way because I honestly like women and I want to be with one in every way and eventually get married and have kids, but I feel branded. I've lost really close friends because they couldn't accept me after I decided to be real with myself and leave the gay lifestyle. I never thought I'd be in this situation, because truthfully I never thought all of this was a big deal. I mean, I always knew I wasn't gay and when I made up my mind to stop playing myself and guys crazy enough to seriously like me, I thought all would be cool. But I never really thought that people would forever see me as gay (according to the popular opinion, you're either a straight man or a gay man and if you're gay you can never not be).

Right now I'm biding my time until I move to a different city or state and get a chance to start over, but even then I feel as if I should tell any woman that I seriously date about my past because you never know who you may run into along the way and I've pissed off a lot of guys who would love to ruin me. Maybe I wouldn't tell her right off, but rather soon after things became serious between us.

I'd just like to know what people think, especially women. We talk a lot about bisexual men, but what about bisexual men who are no longer interested in men. I know it's something that we never hear much about, but I know I'm not the only one. I have to say that I'm not confused about my sexuality either. I think I've tested it enough to know for sure who I am.

Dear Mr. Curious,

Thanks for sharing your story as I'm sure it took a lot to write this. With all honesty my initial thought is that you're (still) struggling with sexual identity based on your (non-sexual) interaction with men but I'll not fall in to the trap of judging or boxing in someone that's reached out for help/advice. With that said, I'll take you at your word.

Unfortunately, as you've already experienced, not many other people will do the same. As much as you view yourself as such "a good Black man," from my experience most women won't because of your past. You say that you've been discouraged from seriously dating women for fear that they will somehow find out about your past dealings with men and with good cause. I've seen and heard it way too many times from women scared that their man is on the DL so to be with a man that's admittedly been with other men (albeit non sexually) is a big red flag and leaves concern of a "relapse." Chances are they won't even believe that you didn't have sex.

What I find most interesting though is you're reasoning for dating men. You say it was your way of getting the love your father never gave you, but there are many men (myself included) that didn't have a father that filled that void much differently. Sure you didn't have sex with them but you admit to doing a lot of things the average straight man would not—father or no father. That's not to totally negate your rationale for your actions but just providing you with the general public response to your reasoning for dating men.

The one thing I wonder is if your (religious?) views on premarital sex were different would you have gone all the way with a guy? Did you ever have any feelings at all for these men and feel "love"? You say you realized a long time ago that you really weren't attracted to men but yet in still you continued to date them because that's "what you knew." I'm sorry, that seems like a major contradiction and leads me to believe you are (or were?) confused about your sexual identity. Again, people who are sure about what they want in regards to heterosexuality don't make a habit of kissing and fondling people they're not attracted to. It's not like a guy messing with an "ugly" girl because even then he may not be attracted to her physically but he's clearly still attracted to women.

However you rationalize your past and categorize yourself now bottom line is you have to be happy with yourself. That's all that matters. I'm sure it hurt when people you knew shunned you for revealing your past but I hope that didn't cause you to internally shun who you know you are deep down inside.

That brings up another question. I noticed you're adamant about leaving the gay “lifestyle,” but later on you identify yourself as bisexual. Seems like another contradiction as that label would denote someone that's attracted to both sexes. However, you say you're "not really" attracted to men even though your past actions and carrying of bisexual title would suggest otherwise. Also, being gay/lesbian isn't a lifestyle it's a way of life that people are born in to, IMHO. Just takes some longer for some to accept that due mostly to society.

You seem to have a lot of bi friends. Is that so you can be closer to the community and people that share your experiences/emotions? Maybe that's a subconscious coincidence but something to consider.

It was also unclear if you've ever dated a (non bi) woman at all. You said school and a hectic schedule made that difficult but you still found time to date men. Just curious to know if your entire dating life has been male or not as if that's the case it weakens your argument of not being gay or at the very least bisexual. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's okay to experiment in your youth if you’re bi-curios just understand that not everyone will agree with that but that's their problem not yours. You have to do what makes you happy at all times (as long as it's legal).

If you truly were just experimenting with men and realized it's not right for you for whatever reason, moving may be a good idea since you revealed so much of yourself to people in your current circle and their negative reaction. To move on from the "branding" you may just have to start from scratch elsewhere or move to a place where that sort of thing is not looked down upon and folks are more liberal.

As for revealing your past to the women you date that'll really be a case-by-case basis. Not every person you date needs to know about every single thing in your past (especially in the beginning stages) but if a relationship was evolving to marriage maybe that might be something to share with someone you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Again, you just have to be ready to expect and accept a negative reaction from some based on their own beliefs.

I imagine it's a hard cross to bear but I wish you luck. They say there's someone for every one and I believe while there are many women that will give you side-eye there's plenty who will be able to look past your past—especially if you're truly sure about who you are sexually and not just in denial. Either way be proud of your past because it made you who you are today. Others can only accept it or not.

Do you feel a bisexual man is always branded as being gay? Does the same apply to a bisexual woman? Why or why not? Do you view the belief that this man made out with men because he was searching for the love he never got from his father as valid? Does the fact that he never had sex with a man make a difference in how you’d view him? Would you classify this man as gay, bisexual or bi curious? Do you think it’s possible for a man to experiment with other men and realize he’s not into it and be straight? Do you feel that most women would walk away from this man because of his past? Would the same apply to a woman with the same past? Is that fair? Do you think he’s still in the closet and in denial or has done enough experimenting to know who he is sexually?

Speak your piece…

SOCK IT TO ME
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Tagged as: bi curious, bisexual, dating, dear nwso, gay

http://strokeofprose.com Kaye Michele

Oh WOW. Um...wow.

I'm actually going to have to think about this one. I thought I'd come up with something by the time I typed this...but I'm actually stuck.

I'll be back...
Lyndon

"Used to be gay"... Is that even possible?
sasha

Ummm....no thanks....
chileboo

Chiiiile i could only get through the first 2.5 paragraphs, i stopped at "masturbated with men" sir you ARE gay 100% (maury voice) because i could Maybe understand you saying youve had sexual relations with men and it was just sex but you claim youve never had sex, so all this friendship talk sounds like a Relationship! And theres nothing wrong with that, i think your discounting your true feelings for men because your struggling with the idea of being gay full time, and your using your daddy issues to mask that fear. As far as telling a woman you were formely gay, well sir good luck with that! Might as as well try saying ex nazi or ex klans leader while your at cuz it aint gonna go over well. You clearly have deep feelings for men. And am i the only 1 who feels like this whole letter is an E. Lynne Harris novel? May he rip
http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

First off, in my world there is no such thing as "i used to be gay". You can't just choose to be attracted to someone (though you can pretend to be attracted to someone. There's always a lesbian epidemic in high school and then by the end of college half of them are "straight" again).
Next, I doubt highly that this dude is really heterosexual. If anything, he's probably just afraid of the fact that he's gay... and that's normal. That's part of the reason why we have all these "downlow" brothers and dudes that leave their wives after 20 years of marriage talking about they can't "live a lie" anymore. That whole daddy issue thing...i don't buy that that's why he has been seeking romantic love from men. That just doesn't make sense to me.
http://theworldoftiffany.wordpress.com Tiffany

"Used to be Gay" WTH???? So my answer is no...Matter of fact it is H, E, stick, stick, no!!! This makes no sense and seems extremely farcical to me.
OSHH

A sexually conflicted/confused man, is not my definition of a good or suitable match for any woman. Furthermore as a man, how can you even speak on what women are experiencing from a numbers perspective on down, there are not enough black heterosexual men of quality to go around, bottom line. Then to think someone is supposed to consider confused people good catches. uh huh ok <_<
http://realestdudeintheroom.com RDITR

I’m of the opinion that there is no such thing as a bisexual man. Men can only be gay or straight. Women can be gay, straight or bi. To quote a buddy of mine, “You can fuck a thousand broads but if you suck one dick, you are gay for life.” That being said, I have spent my entire life jumping out of the boxes that people want to label you with. If this man believes that he is the outlier to the rule, who am I to judge?

The gay community has argued vehemently that gays are born and not made; this young man is saying that he doesn’t fit in that mold. While I don’t necessarily believe his story, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Rather than offer judgment, I only offer advice:

You are going to have to omit the portion of your history where you fondled balls. No women are going to believe that you are straight and even if they desperately want to believe you, in the back of their mind, you will always be suspect. It’s ok to lie sometimes; as long as you do it honestly. In this case that means it’s ok to leave out a portion of your history after you are fully certain it is just that; history.

PS to NWSO....It's really hard to comment these days....This is my 3rd attempt. I thought my second one went through but it's not showing up......
OSHH

How can anyone lie honestly? WTH is that? Sounds like you setting him up to be on DL with that advice.
How bout just be honest about being attracted to men or leave women alone.
Jermaine

I think he's definitely bi-sexual. From bi-sexual girls and guys I've spoken to, they do tend to have phases of being more attracted to one gender than the other and I think he's just back on the chick phase and/or just generally likes chicks more than guys but nonetheles is still bi-sexual.

And I don't think anyone is born gay, straight or whatever IMHO; during your development into an adult I beleive numerous factors (all of which are out of your control) will end up dictating your sexuality, i.e. your not born that way but it's definitely not your choice whether you end up liking girls, guys or both.

Charnv48

I agree that babies do not have a sexual preference. I believe being gay would have to be a product of nurturing behavior, rather than nature. The human response to attraction is conditioning. This is why commercials and things presented on Television are so successful. We form our opinions on what is deemed attractive by what is presented to us. When you consider the number of men imprisioned for several years, will adopt the belief that having sex with another man is acceptable based on their environment. When you consider the number of men who enlist into the military and spend large amounts of time in a all male environment, little boys that are conditioned to beleive hanging out with only boys is more satisfying than co-ed activities, atheletes who spend anormous amounts of time working out with other men. These act clearly suggests mental conditioning. The part that troubles me the most is learning that some homosexual males will date and marry women, because they can not exsponge/remove or delete their natural desire to be with a woman, therefore homosexual men will knowingly endangering innocent women (lie about their homosexual activities). Since we all realize a male that has sex with a male is a homosexual (Webster Dictionary), suggest bi-sexuals are homosexuals that responds to their natural instincts.
Charnv48

I agree that babies do not have a sexual preference. I believe being gay would have to be a product of nurturing behavior, rather than nature. The human response to attraction is conditioning. This is why commercials and things presented on Television are so successful. We form our opinions on what is deemed attractive by what is presented to us. When you consider the number of men imprisioned for several years, will adopt the belief that having sex with another man is acceptable based on their environment. When you consider the number of men who enlist into the military and spend large amounts of time in a all male environment, little boys that are conditioned to beleive hanging out with only boys is more satisfying than co-ed activities, atheletes who spend anormous amounts of time working out with other men. These act clearly suggests mental conditioning. The part that troubles me the most is learning that some homosexual males will date and marry women, because they can not exsponge/remove or delete their natural desire to be with a woman, therefore homosexual men will knowingly endangering innocent women (lie about their homosexual activities). Since we all realize a male that has sex with a male is a homosexual (Webster Dictionary), suggest bi-sexuals are homosexuals that responds to their natural instincts.
Charnv48

I agree that babies do not have a sexual preference. I believe being gay would have to be a product of nurturing behavior, rather than nature. The human response to attraction is conditioning. This is why commercials and things presented on Television are so successful. We form our opinions on what is deemed attractive by what is presented to us. When you consider the number of men imprisioned for several years, will adopt the belief that having sex with another man is acceptable based on their environment. When you consider the number of men who enlist into the military and spend large amounts of time in a all male environment, little boys that are conditioned to beleive hanging out with only boys is more satisfying than co-ed activities, atheletes who spend anormous amounts of time working out with other men. These act clearly suggests mental conditioning. The part that troubles me the most is learning that some homosexual males will date and marry women, because they can not exsponge/remove or delete their natural desire to be with a woman, therefore homosexual men will knowingly endangering innocent women (lie about their homosexual activities). Since we all realize a male that has sex with a male is a homosexual (Webster Dictionary), suggest bi-sexuals are homosexuals that responds to their natural instincts.
Charnv48

I agree that babies do not have a sexual preference. I believe being gay would have to be a product of nurturing behavior, rather than nature. The human response to attraction is conditioning. This is why commercials and things presented on Television are so successful. We form our opinions on what is deemed attractive by what is presented to us. When you consider the number of men imprisioned for several years, will adopt the belief that having sex with another man is acceptable based on their environment. When you consider the number of men who enlist into the military and spend large amounts of time in a all male environment, little boys that are conditioned to beleive hanging out with only boys is more satisfying than co-ed activities, atheletes who spend anormous amounts of time working out with other men. These act clearly suggests mental conditioning. The part that troubles me the most is learning that some homosexual males will date and marry women, because they can not exsponge/remove or delete their natural desire to be with a woman, therefore homosexual men will knowingly endangering innocent women (lie about their homosexual activities). Since we all realize a male that has sex with a male is a homosexual (Webster Dictionary), suggest bi-sexuals are homosexuals that responds to their natural instincts.

justme

I never really read an entire article. But I do contemplate the question asked, so if I am off course with my response it may be because I am only looking at the question.

Initially, when I read the question, I said NO, I could not date someone who used to be gay. Personally, it would bother me knowing that someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with used to be gay. But I am a very introspective person and it would bother me to hold someone's "old life" against them. Can we extend the question to say, could you date someone that used to be a ho, could you date someone that was incarcerated, could you date someone that used to smoke crack. Could you date someone that used to be an alcoholic.

Personally, I can not date someone that used to be gay. But I don't feel comfortable saying I am basing my decision on how someone used to live their life.

My other half knows that I "used" to snort cocaine over 15 years ago. He knows that I dated "BIG" ballers and flew around the globe and came home with more money that I knew what to do with. I have changed drastically since then. But the question should be asked "would you date someone that used to be a cocaine sniffing, gold digger that spent countless nights with men in exotic places? His answer is yes.

For those of us with a past; there is someone specific for us that will forget our past and walk with us into the future.
difficultisnotimpossible

As a woman, the thing that scares me about men that "used to be gay" or that are unsure of their sexuality is that I won't be enough. If I were involved with a man in this situation I would always be thinking that some day he would go back to wanting to be with a man and/or actually act on it because I truly do not believe that homosexuality is something one grows out of or moves on from completely in spite of tremendous effort therefore I would not be able to be with a man that is having an internal battle of this magnitude. NWSO your response to this letter was perfect and I'm sure it offered this gentleman a lot of insight.
http://askabisexualguy.queersyndicate.com/ Ask a Bi Sexual Guy

Hmm...giving this a bit of thought.. Mr Curious if you are reading this and hopefully you are then please know that it taking the time to share yourself for answers is a bold thing and the fact that you did it. Everybody that isn't bisexual is going to tell you whether or not if you are gay, straight, or bisexual. The only person that should matter to is you. The label you wish to wear be it gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, bicurious, biromantic, (look it up it's a real word folks.) whatever you choose is not really for you but to guide people into how to understand and treat you.

It doesn't matter at all what you call yourself if you don't know who you are. You owe it to yourself to dive deep into your own precious unique soul & stare it in the eye, hold it, smash, melt it down, remove the impurities of the things that get in the way of letting you be you. Why am I saying this? Because if you want to get hit by lightening you have to stand in the rain. You want to find that person that is going to understand you and appreciate all of you right? Then you have to stay in that rain and get showered with all the judgement, hatred, bigotry, etc.

You're gonna run across those that invest in fantasies and those that invest in a church instead of reality. What matters is that you stay the course, you stay being you. People want consistency. They want reassurance. They want to know that when the shit hits the fan you're ready to get dirty and not bail out on them. A lot of women are afraid that you are going to leave them for a man. They aren't about you leaving them for another woman at this point. Don't know why but they aren't.

Black men are sadly seen as a hypersexual being that can't say no to sex. To say no to sex or a woman is a sign of weakness in American culture and doubly so to black men. We are perceived to be literally studs, A beast of burden that has no other use other than to show off it's masculinity and breed with no other purpose. Anything contrary to that is seen as an anomaly and therefore ill suited.

Are there bisexual men married to women? Yup Are some of those women straight? Yup Were some of those women afraid then realized that the guy was a good guy and would stand by them? Some did? Did some of those women leave the guy to date a straight guy only have him cheat with another woman? yup. TL;DR? move forward, anticipate haters, love yourself so much that people want to love you just to find out why you love yourself so much. ”

Charnv48

I think the statement of Black women being afraid that you will leave them is completely off the mark. From my perspective as a straight Black woman, I assure you, I would prefer not to date a man who has had sexual contact with a man for several reason. I have never met a woman (in my 50 years) who would want to be with bi-sexual man...hence the term DOWN LOW. I beleive people have the right to be themself. The people who trully love you will accept you for who you are. I unknowingly dated a man who lied and was secretly bi-sexual. Once I learned of his "secret", I felt deceived and angry because he wasted my time. I think generally speaking Black woman don't care if a man chooses to be gay.....as long as he is not having sex with her, she could care less. Women feel pretty confident that a male sexing another male, is not the same experience as a male's having sex with a woman.

Tenicia

I agree that you should keep your history with men to yourself. The perception in today's society is that men are either gay or straight, and although your acts seem to bred of rebellion more than desire, it simply won't be understood by most people. With all of the stigma that is placed on gay men, it must surely take a lot of mental fortitude to act on that urge if it's not an urge that is primary in you, so maybe you should really ask yourself what gave you the strength to overcome the stigma and be with men if you are in fact not gay. Take some time and date straight women. See what feels right to you. And be honest with yourself. Don't live a lie, either a straight one or a gay one.
http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com Southern Poise

I agree with the majority here, hell to the no.. Not only would I be afraid he'd "relaspse" I would probably feel insecure about his true love for me, think he might not truely ever be happy because maybe he made the wrong decision. Not to mention, he said he didn't have sex with a man, but "fondled", I mean in my head, if you're not having 'sex', but are "fondling", somebody going down on somebody. I can attest to that. Can't get passed that visual, especially thinking he might be the one going down. In my Martin voice from Run-tel-dat "Nope, un uh, I can't do it, I won't do it.. I don't want no nutty buddy" lol.
Rastaman

The human sex drive is a powerful aspect of being human; history is littered with individuals who attempted to suppress theirs with either reason or religion, most if not all have failed. I think this LW has some work to do and I suggest therapy. He has a lot to work out and he is self diagnosing and while sexual identification for most is an easy call, it may not be for him and he needs to realize that. He better get some professional help before ends up causing himself and some other person a lot of pain and anguish. What he is dealing with not easy and he probably thinks it is unfair that he has to deal with this in his life but we all have our crosses to bear.
Not too many of us will identify with this person’s dilemma and it probably requires some existential thinking to even empathize. But he cannot hope to gain any empathy until he learns how to be honest with himself. I don’t know what kind of internal struggle goes on with someone whose sexual desires are in conflict with society’s acceptance but I can guess it is not easy. How does one balance one’s personal desires with the society’s demands for behavioral conformity?
c0c0puffz

I can't get over it and I wouldn't want to be the "test" woman he uses to see if he can get the gay out of him.
Starita34

Precisely.

O_O

Wow.
FireIce

Some of you told this man not to reveal who he really is to the women until later. Why would you tell this man to waste his time with a woman who is not going to love him for who he is? Both people end up hurt later. Let this man figure out who he is and find an open minded woman who is secure within herself.
As for society, dont forget society kept alot of us from being who we are. At one point people did nothing but make fun of big girls and men were embarrased to be with us big women. At one point certain music wasn't seen as "cool" now it has moved from that.
Long story short...this man does not need judgement from those who don't have a clue as to what it is to be different or really struggle to figure out who you are and why you are this way.
For those who took the time to give real advice and be understanding thank goodness for you. People like you are who made my emotional struggles worth the fight to become a whole person again. I'm 30 and inner struggles are still a fight even though most things happened to me 20 some odd yrs ago. Mr. Curious move on with your life, there is someone out there for you!
Bimbetta

I LOVE this response! I like how you put your words together and I’m probably going to steal some of them.

I guess I’m one of the few that can identify with this dilemma. I have a hard time with labels, but if pressed I’d refer to myself as ’open’. A long time ago a good friend said true love should overcome all boundaries: race, religion, class, even gender. A few years later after my marriage ended I unexpectedly found the truth to that statement when I fell in love with a woman. After that relationship ended I dated only women for a while. I came to realize relationships with women weren’t any better or easier than with men. In the last few years I’ve only dated men.

This is what I learned: for me, attraction was about the person, not body parts. I understand that most people are only attracted to one gender, but to me that’s similar to only dating people with blue eyes or a large ass.

If I start dating some I really like, I tell them fairly early on about my past. If it’s going to be a problem I want to know so I can keep it moving. I don’t want to waste my time with someone who can’t deal with it. I’ve been with women who were insecure about my history with men and were afraid I’d cheat with a man because I missed the penis. On the other hand, most men weren’t as insecure, but see me as the perfect threesome opportunity. Being the way I am doesn’t make me less loyal or more likely to cheat.

I think you should be honest and be yourself. More honest = more trustworthy.
lyndon

does anyone realize this is why black women are contracting hiv at such highh rates. the back and forth does not work, especially considering black men are confessing their past. if we continue keeping secrets it only gets worse.

and very few are born gay
Wmofyr

I notice that the bisexuality is not the only thing here, the writer states that he is too busy to date women, and he ends up going back to men because that all he knows, and it's become his default. So there you are, he still bi... not heterosexual at all.

It took me by surprise that even the bi-sexual women were not buying this. Something not true in this story. As far as being love sick for your dad, well, I doubt if that can be the -whole- story of why you are into this, started this stuff, or think it's no big deal.

I recall a reality show where the girl was bi, but she had so many reasons to be a love starved type. She was an orphan type, with much abuse growing up. She said she did not like the labels at all either. It seemed that she was looking for love, security, safety, family-like-situation, closeness, etc. and that would be with either sex. So I could believe the love starve thing in an extreme case. A stand-off-ish father is not the most extreme case, yet still serious for the person involved.

I think moving out of town is the wrong thing for you. Are you planning to just lie to everyone? That would be living a lie. You need to recognize it is a big deal; and it's the total package you present that may get women nervous, not just the gayness. You should work on the other parts of your package too.

Are you honest? Do you not spend time with the women you date? Do you disappear (claiming you got work or fatigue)? Do you share your life (will the serious woman ever meet your co-workers, family, gay and bi friends, see your hobby, etc.)? Do you act like a man who is hiding big parts of himself (lack intimacy)? Work is a good excuse, but do you bring home something that show you been on the business trip (who can go out of town and not buy anything), or do you do a skype call to the woman you seeing when out of town? Can she call your hotel room? Do you look after your woman, and let her look after you (this scares some men, and they get nervous feeling unworthy)?

Just know that if all the women straight and bi are saying the same stuff about you, maybe you need to stop making things look that way. You could be innocent, but make some effort to show that, over time.

If you are patient and keep your relationships with the bi-women, one of them may start to see your heart (assuming you got one, lol, sorry I'm kidding) and become interested in you. But the point is that they will know more of your heart than the fact that you are bi and you work hard. [They will know more than the rhetoric you throw at them.] So if you want a patient woman, perhaps you must at least stick around and be patient yourself.

It's new territory for someone to digest if they choose to do so eventually. I think only a bi woman could eventually comprehend this stuff if you open up more.
Wmofyr

Dang did I write the essay? lol
OSHH

Being one who has been different all her life, it's about owning who you are, and being honest with yourself and others. Being authentic, being true, while I may not be everyone's cup of tea, at least they get the real me. Don't understand how folk condone lies period but esp of this magnitude. Integrity is in short supply these days.
jaclynsd

I have to agree w/OSHH…UM are you freaking serious?! He may not have to be specific about having “fondled balls” as you so eloquently put it but he should at the very least tell a woman he thinks about getting into a relationship with that he’s dated dudes. Just because you omit certain things does NOT in any way make you honest. To quote a radio dude whose name escapes me “come on son!” SMH
Miss Conception

this is not allowing my to comment
Wmofyr

Didn't mean to write an essay, oh well.
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

By next week that issue should be resolved But try a different browser and/or clearing your cookies. But may be something you're typing that's setting off spam filter. Bisexual Guy had same issue probably because of his name so he sent me his comment and I posted for him. It's weird because you were able to make the comment saying that you can't comment.

nakedwithsockson@gmail.com
Potato-with_Jive

Damn. As open minded on this blog tend to be I'm actually really surprised how little empathy he's receiving. This guy is pouring out his serious concerns and expecting some serious advice and this is what he gets? Someone said as a man you can ONLY be gay or straight, and not bisexual, but a woman can be anything? What kind of logic is that?

Honestly the only thing this proves is how the black community is still very fearful of homosexuality especially in black men. It's fine to not agree with someones lifestyle but Ive always felt this blog was alot more open minded than it appears right now. Seems ya'll are falling for the hype. Wow.
Da Son

Life is not fair....

This seems to be the "in" thing, I am gay, I am not gay. I dated a woman that was in the midst of changing her sexual team, when she told me she had been in a relationship with a woman for the last 5 years, I was stunned! They even had two daughter together ( in vitro) that is a pretty large step.

It also changed my mental ranking of her, from potential keeper to hell-to-the-naw-shawty , this is just going to be some ass. We dated briefly and when she saw I was not taking her seriously, she moved on , met and married a dude, all within in 6 MONTHS, two months later she was separated from the hapless chump, who believed she was now into men.

Can you say the writing on the wall was a 100% correct? The big danger here, is not that they were once practicing homosexuals, is they are now playing heterosexual, with a return ticket to the other side firmly entrenched in their back pocket.

“I have now ideal what is to have these desires that do not correspond with the social norm,but it must be hell. ”

Man or woman, all of this shifting gender preference is fraught with danger and a truckload of ill consequences. The OP needs to be in real therapy and the sooner the better. His problem is he is very intelligent and he thinks he can "rationalize " his existence.

When at the end of the day or when he gets more courage, he will be doing more than "fondling" some balls, no straight man is going to touch another man PERIOD

I grew up without a father and it has never occurred to me to date, fondle, kiss and tease over men to fill the void. I wish he had the courage to be himself and move on with his life, because no one that read his " confessional" will be shocked, nor awed if he one day he says the gay life is for him.....
Lyndon

I dont speak for all blacks. But I will say that I dont think we can afford to be open without caution and reasoning. Check AIDS rates among black women. Guess where theyre gettin it from. And guess who's not being "open" and honest about what they do in their spare time.

Sad part is, many sistas wouldnt care what a man did in his past. I would just hope men that engage would be fair and give the woman the choice to decide if she was down.
justme

I agree, the issue is not what you are, the issue is moreso, admitting who you are and what you have been and where we have been. How can someone truly love you for you are if they have no idea who you are. Maybe some skeletons in the closet come back to haunt people, because they never let those skeletons free in the first place.
Mrs. Birghtside

As a women who seriously is attracted to both men and women but prefers men I say be up front about it. It’s going to take some time before you find that woman who can and will accept it but don’t let her fall in love with you and then out of nowhere say “oh yeah I used to jack dudes off, is that cool?” that is selfish and puts her in a messed up situation. As a woman I would feel tricked, lied to and all that jazz that will force me to leave you tears and all.
The fact of the matter is you are going to need a woman who is strong enough to deal with this fact about you. Just like any other questionable aspect of a person’s past, its going to come out sooner or later. Better to see her reaction before you invest that time and emotion. Be fair to her and you. Know that you are going to get turned down a lot and some chicks are going to be very rude in the way they turn you down. On that first date ask about her relationship history and then tell her yours. If she flips she wasn’t the one for you.
The biggest thing is accepting that you are a man who used to date men for whatever reason and (not but) now you are looking for a wife. Once you determine who you are you will want other people know and respect that.
Now would I date a man who used to sleep with guys? It would depend on the guy. I have extreme gaydar and so I can tell it from a distance. I would have to ask him what part of being with a man turned him on. If he just like having someone to do him in the butt that’s what strap ons were mad for. If it was the strength of their bodies I’ma gone bought my business.
Potato-with_Jive

Sexually transmitted diseases are a valid concern for ALL people but I doubt this is where most people responding here are coming from. Before you not one mentioned any kind of health concern. It sounded more like "ew you might be attracted to men" and not "lets review your sexual history for my safety"

1 in 4 people have herpes too. Gonorrhea is back and rising and I think it has more to do with having unprotected sex which is completely different.
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

Also, ol' boy isn't even having sex (not sure what happens in those fondle sessions though) so in theory he may actually be less likely to have something or Godforbid the "gay disease" AIDS. SMH It's 2011 and people still point at AIDS like it's a them not me disease. No, it's ALL of us regardless of gender, race, creed, religion, whatever
Chellz

Before he thinks about dating, he should go talk to a psyhcotherapist. He stated he wasn't attracted to men, then said he was bisexual, and next gay. Which one is it? Sounds like he doesn't think he's gay because he hasn't slept with a man. He is too confused in his sexuality. Has he ever been with a women? Any women willing to date this man is doomed for failure.

I would never date a gay/bisexual man. No justification, I wouldn't do it.
fay

I couldn t date a man who used to be gay or is bi-sexual.
Why?A SATC`s episode makes it pretty clear : as a woman you know who you re up against. If a man is bi-sexual or was gay I were always going "Oh my does he like tham man?Is he more attracted to him than to me?".I could never replace a man as a man can t replace a woman.

But the husband from Gwen Stefani had a long relationship with a man, was at least involved with one over time, so it seems possible.
SNS

Nope could not do it. It would be hard for me to believe that you can just flip a switch and not be gay all of a sudden. I also believe that once a man has been with a man and that can be with fondling or sex that he will always have those feelings for a man. Dude should just be honest with himself and just come full out the closet what STRAIGHT man is going to even Date a man and entertain him sounds a lil fishy to me, hell what straight man would even watch gay porn!!!. However with all this Gay power going on and it appearing to be such an "in thing" I am sure some lonely women will give him a shot however not me I just couldnt do it.
Lonias

My first and foremost concern is this business about moving away to a place where everybody DOESN'T know your name. Please, please, please let a woman know at an appropriate time about your past. Do NOT let a woman give you her heart and then drop that bomb or let her discover it on her own. That would be cruel. As Rastaman said, I cannot imagine the position you put yourself in, revealing your past in this society, but that is NO reason to refuse a woman her opportunity to choose.

And my concern is not some vague anecdote. You mentioned that you know girls that have dated guys that you know for a fact are or have been involved sexually and romantically with other men. That means you're already accustomed, and presumably comfortable, keeping this kind of secret.

With that, I'll answer the title question with a "no". I couldn't do it. I also couldn't, although with less certainty, date someone who spent extensive time in prison. It all boils down to trust - I just wouldn't be able to fully trust the guy. I would be concerned about "relapse", disease, and any of the other concerns mentioned in other comments. Couldn't do it.
http://realestdudeintheroom.com RDITR

I was giving the man the benefit of the doubt; I am advising him under the assumption that he is not gay as he states.
http://realestdudeintheroom.com RDITR

If a man tells a woman he has fondled balls, the relationship is over before it ever starts. The man stated he no longer has an interest in ball fondling. He can tell the truth and be lonely or lie and be happy.

If he misses rubbing foreign testicles, he should be honest with women and be gay.
Mrs. Da ThRONe

But what if the woman asks if he has every been with a man? How can he remain truthful?
FireIce

Lol, consider it food for thought for him and every other man for that matter.
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

Cool. Actually working on some back end stuff on site so that could be the cause of the commenting issues, all should be fixed by the start of new week. #FingersCrossed
http://liferebirth.blogspot.com/ Rebirth

Used to be gay.......what happens if you start dating a woman and realise you still prefer men? Personally i think i'll pass on a bi-sexual man. I can't handle it
jaclynsd

Yeah, sounds real selfish to me. Starting anything w/a lie is def one sided and if he really wants to be w/a woman (or whomever for that case) starting anything w/a lie may bring him instant happiness but in the long run he'll end up lonely (anyway) and unhappy for sure. Real love is about ecceptance, not just for the other person but for self, nowhere does a lie fit into that. But who knows maybe your take doesn't have anything to do w/love or a relationship anyway.
http://www.nwso.net Gemini

This letter not only pissed me off but it also scared me. My daughter turned 20 yesterday and is this what she has to contend with as far as dating is concerned? This over educated poindexter is a health hazard! Any real man no matter how busy his study schedule is will always make time for pussy! A real man will plop that woman on top, and read the book holding it in the air. Give me a damn break! There is no science to Gay or Straight. If a man pulls his dick out in the presence of a man that is not his physician, not in a doctor’s office, and not during office hours, that man is GAY! His statement, “I’m always reading about the shortage of good Black men, and I think it’s garbage.” He would find this to be garbage because there is no shortage in the amount of balls he has had on his chin and their pubic hairs still stuck in his teeth! How the hell would he know what a woman’s dating plight is like? How can he used to be Gay? That’s like saying I used to be Black! I stopped visiting a church because the pastor said he could help a Gay person that no longer wanted to be Gay become straight. Tell me how? IMO he would be creating an unhealthy environment. What woman would want a man that loves wearing pretty pink things more than she? Blaming his father for not hugging him is some more bullshit that pissed me off. This creep is a health hazard! When I calm down, I’ll tell you how I really feel about this sick bastard.
http://queersyndicate.com Ask A Bisexual Guy

What you've just said? is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no thumbs up, and may God have mercy on your soul.
http://Nwso.net Gemini

Sounds like I hit a sore spot. You understood me clearly! No one wants HIV or AIDS due to GAY confusion!
Lyndon

And this, sister, is ALL you had to say. Im with you 100, but I would hope you see one day that some turn to a gay lifestyle because of the things theyve experienced. And our experiences are as real as a woman being raped losing the ability to trust.

Just think Tyler Perry
da ThRONe

Super late here, but since this is a hot topic I'll add my two cents.

I understand where dude is coming from and agree that just because you do something that it doesn't define you. Plenty of people have done something in their younger years that aren't who they are. For him it's was gay shit for me it was stealing.

As your typical heterosexual male I find it really difficult to comprehend any level of intimate touching of another dude if your not gay. At the same time people fall into thing cats in prison for example. I think people don't want to admit how thin the line of sexuality is.

Unfortunately for dude people will judge him solely on what he has done and not on who he is. Who he is may be straight, bi, or gayer than a mother fucker. Either way his pass actions shouldn't doomed him to something he may not now or ever was.
http://Nwso.net Gemini

I have a cousin that is Gay due to a tramatic experience. During a girl talk session I asked her what made her choose to be lesbian? She said when was 8yrs old a neighbor hurt her. She said since then she can't take the penetration of a man. She said she tried but can't get passed the old pain. She is masculine and I hug and kiss her when I seen her anywhere.

Im not against anyone being Gay. GOD doesn't make mistakes so who am I to judge I'm against confussed GAY men choosing on a whim when to switch their sexuality making it an unhealthy environment for me and other women.
http://realestdudeintheroom.com RDITR

I've been on this earth 38 years and lived all over the world. I've yet to meet the woman who would give this guy a chance given the story he has to tell.
jbreezy

I'm more than a little alarmed at the fact that we're cool with taking away a woman's right to make an informed decision about with whom she wants to share her life and her body just so this dude can be happy. Yeah its unfortunate that most women (myself included) aren't going to be able to see past his previous homo activities but that doesn't give him license to lie just so he can "be happy".I don't care if he never touches another nutsack again for the rest of his life, that doesn't mean that i shouldn't be made aware of his inclinations.
jaclynsd

Morning, well if you look at letter he did say some women accepted it...they were bisexual women. So obviously some women are cool w/it. I've been on this earth for only 33yrs and maybe because I'm a woman and had the luxury of being around women only convos, but RDITR you'll be surprised what some women will accept and put up with...as long as they feel they're not being lied to.

It was nice having this discussion…even if some of differ on opinion. =) Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Artemis Fowl

The thing is. When a heterosexual male choose to engage in homosexual activity when they are at a certain age (16 and up) that is of their own free will & not impressed on them by a molester in the family....I think you've crossed the bounds of gaydom. Women can always be semi-ambivalent about their sexual orientation and switch at a whim depending on what is popping for them.

I will say that your dating pool might be quite limited by your past decisions & make it harder for you, but if you really campaign and meet someone special you can build with....let them know & those who stay...well, you know they are seriously down for you.
Lonias

So, given your opinion, where is the line when it comes to revealing this part of his past to others?
Wmofyr

The fact that bi women didn't go for this, tells me that old dude is lying to himself. He's a little lost and needs to go with is flow. If being gay is his flow, then that's that. If being with a woman is his flow (so far it's not), then go with that.

Sometimes people have to get out of their own way and go with their flow -- if it's healthy and legal,and bring happiness and safety/security during the flowing; one needs peace of mind too.[Those terms might mean the same things.]
Miss Conception

Let's try this again... I was trying to make this a moral dilemma since many people commenting on this letter make him in the wrong. But I am wondering if his wrong is more on lying to women of his previous relationships, or because we have a standard for black men? This is a whole other topic that I know I am going to have debate and hurt a lot of people's feelings, so I won't go there.

To NWSO, why is it questionable of how he dealt with his absence of his father? I know that you didn't have your father either, but your situation is different from his since your father wasn't present. I have seen his situation before and the father was absentee, so keep in mind that we fill in voids in different manners.

Also, why is it acceptable for society to label who you are? The white supremacist has the right to label you as a nigger because your black? Just curious...
http://www.facebook.com/camille.c.crisp Camille C. Crisp

I wouldn't be able to date anyone that used to be gay, but chances are there are several women out there who are willing. Just be honest when you feel you need to and don't run away from your current surroundings because you will still be fighting with your inner demons. #prayingforya
Auder

“Mr. Curious” -Here are a lot of opinions on your situation that aren't necessarily written in a connected fashion, but I am throwing them out there...I think titles are ridiculous, and we rely on them way to much to define who we and others are. I'm sorry that we live in a world where chicks getting up on chicks is considered sexy and men doing the same is considered disgusting, lame.People have no right to slap a title on you that you didn't claim for yourself. I feel that anyone who continues to call you gay when you no longer identify that way is not worth your time, on the internet or in real life. People who love and/or respect you wouldn't do that. How you choose to define yourself is your own call and it's a decision that deserves respect.That said, I don't feel that a person who has found men (or any other gender or sex) attractive in the past can all of a sudden not be attracted to those people in some way. I do however think a person can slide on the spectrum of the types of people they're attracted to throughout their lifetime. For me this spectrum has hardline bisexuals (or pansexuals, or this or that) falling in the middle, with straight people into men only on one end and straight people into women only on the other. A person can be mostly into women and still find men attractive enough to bump with.You've messed around with guys in your past, why is that anyone elses business? When the conversation of past partners comes up the only thing other people really need to know is that you don't have any STDs or viruses. What kind of woman/partner wants to know the deets about her partners/fellas past conquests anyway? I've known very little about my fellas sexual pasts, and that's been a-ok with me. Also, when you move out of the state (which I don't think you really have to do to make this work, but I'm not in your situation) how likely is it really that you will chance upon someone you "slept with" while just walking down the street?Some women will say, "I can't date you cause I don't want my man leaving me for another man." Would they prefer you leave them for another woman? Also, why are they being so pessimistic? If you want to leave you're going to leave. If it happens to be for another person, who cares what their gender is? At that point you've moved on to someone you deem a better fit than them, now it's time for them to move on. Lastly, if you seemed interesting and I found you attractive, I'd go on a date with you, and if you were awesome I'd continue to date you, even if I knew about your past and I imagine the woman meant for you will feel the same way. I don't want you to think there aren't any women out there who would be understanding and respectful of the choices you've made thus far. There are.Hope you find some peace regarding this situation. All the best!

Auder

Annoying. There were breaks in the paragraph above, sorry it came out a jumbled mess.

Charnv48

Babies
don't enter this world with a sexual preference, it is a learned behavior. I
believe being gay is a bi-product of nurturing behaviors, rather than
nature. We our a collections of experiences and environments. The response to attraction is mental conditioning. This is why Marketing, commercials,
things presented on Television and in movies are so successful. We form our
opinions on what is deemed attractive based on what is presented to us. As a woman every
time I see muscular men I say to myself "he is hot", when I see a
muscular woman I say to myself "now, that is not attractive". I imagen
if I spent enormous amounts of time fondling women, I would probably learn to find women
attractive. We practice and repeat the behavoirs we like and we don't engage in the things we do not like. When a man says he has spent time fondling men and has not spent
time fondling a woman, clearly it is because he has mentally conditioned/accepted
sexual interaction with men is okay. When you consider the number of men imprisoned
for several years, will adopt the belief that having sex with another man is
acceptable based on their environment. When you consider the number of men who enlist
into the military and spend large amounts of time in an all male environment,
little boys that are conditioned to believe hanging out with only boys is more
satisfying than co-ed activities, athletes who spend enormous amounts of time
working out with other men. These behaviors are mental conditioning, not to say
that all men who spend large amounts of time with other men are gay, but is
does suggest that men who spend large amounts of time with gay men are likely
to see homosexuality as the new norm. Reinforced mental conditioning manifests
itself into behavior. The part that troubles me the most is learning that some
homosexual males will date and marry women, because they want children, they
want to outwardly embrace socially acceptable norms, and or bi-sexual men struggle
with expunging /remove or delete their natural desire to be with a woman. Therefore,
bi-sexual = homosexuals will knowingly and purposely endanger innocent women by lying
about their homosexual activities. Life is really simple, if you like sexing men, then sex men....but please don't drag innocent, unsuspecting women into a life style that is filled with secrets, lies and self hate. You have more that enough of your own personal issues to keep you busy, for a lifetime.

Read more about Coming out the Closet, Bisexual Man, Bi Curious, | Dear NWSO | Naked With Socks On on:
http://nwso.net/2011/07/12/used-to-be-gay/?utm_source=INK&utm_medium=copy&utm_campaign=share&
Charnv48

Babies
don't enter this world with a sexual preference, it is a learned behavior. I
believe being gay is a bi-product of nurturing behaviors, rather than
nature. We our a collections of experiences and environments. The response to attraction is mental conditioning. This is why Marketing, commercials,
things presented on Television and in movies are so successful. We form our
opinions on what is deemed attractive based on what is presented to us. As a woman every
time I see muscular men I say to myself "he is hot", when I see a
muscular woman I say to myself "now, that is not attractive". I imagen
if I spent enormous amounts of time fondling women, I would probably learn to find women
attractive. We practice and repeat the behavoirs we like and we don't engage in the things we do not like. When a man says he has spent time fondling men and has not spent
time fondling a woman, clearly it is because he has mentally conditioned/accepted
sexual interaction with men is okay. When you consider the number of men imprisoned
for several years, will adopt the belief that having sex with another man is
acceptable based on their environment. When you consider the number of men who enlist
into the military and spend large amounts of time in an all male environment,
little boys that are conditioned to believe hanging out with only boys is more
satisfying than co-ed activities, athletes who spend enormous amounts of time
working out with other men. These behaviors are mental conditioning, not to say
that all men who spend large amounts of time with other men are gay, but is
does suggest that men who spend large amounts of time with gay men are likely
to see homosexuality as the new norm. Reinforced mental conditioning manifests
itself into behavior. The part that troubles me the most is learning that some
homosexual males will date and marry women, because they want children, they
want to outwardly embrace socially acceptable norms, and or bi-sexual men struggle
with expunging /remove or delete their natural desire to be with a woman. Therefore,
bi-sexual = homosexuals will knowingly and purposely endanger innocent women by lying
about their homosexual activities. Life is really simple, if you like sexing men, then sex men....but please don't drag innocent, unsuspecting women into a life style that is filled with secrets, lies and self hate. You have more that enough of your own personal issues to keep you busy, for a lifetime.

Read more about Coming out the Closet, Bisexual Man, Bi Curious, | Dear NWSO | Naked With Socks On on:
http://nwso.net/2011/07/12/used-to-be-gay/?utm_source=INK&utm_medium=copy&utm_campaign=share&
Charnv48

Babies
don't enter this world with a sexual preference, it is a learned behavior. I
believe being gay is a bi-product of nurturing behaviors, rather than
nature. We our a collections of experiences and environments. The response to attraction is mental conditioning. This is why Marketing, commercials,
things presented on Television and in movies are so successful. We form our
opinions on what is deemed attractive based on what is presented to us. As a woman every
time I see muscular men I say to myself "he is hot", when I see a
muscular woman I say to myself "now, that is not attractive". I imagen
if I spent enormous amounts of time fondling women, I would probably learn to find women
attractive. We practice and repeat the behavoirs we like and we don't engage in the things we do not like. When a man says he has spent time fondling men and has not spent
time fondling a woman, clearly it is because he has mentally conditioned/accepted
sexual interaction with men is okay. When you consider the number of men imprisoned
for several years, will adopt the belief that having sex with another man is
acceptable based on their environment. When you consider the number of men who enlist
into the military and spend large amounts of time in an all male environment,
little boys that are conditioned to believe hanging out with only boys is more
satisfying than co-ed activities, athletes who spend enormous amounts of time
working out with other men. These behaviors are mental conditioning, not to say
that all men who spend large amounts of time with other men are gay, but is
does suggest that men who spend large amounts of time with gay men are likely
to see homosexuality as the new norm. Reinforced mental conditioning manifests
itself into behavior. The part that troubles me the most is learning that some
homosexual males will date and marry women, because they want children, they
want to outwardly embrace socially acceptable norms, and or bi-sexual men struggle
with expunging /remove or delete their natural desire to be with a woman. Therefore,
bi-sexual = homosexuals will knowingly and purposely endanger innocent women by lying
about their homosexual activities. Life is really simple, if you like sexing men, then sex men....but please don't drag innocent, unsuspecting women into a life style that is filled with secrets, lies and self hate. You have more that enough of your own personal issues to keep you busy, for a lifetime.

Read more about Coming out the Closet, Bisexual Man, Bi Curious, | Dear NWSO | Naked With Socks On on:
http://nwso.net/2011/07/12/used-to-be-gay/?utm_source=INK&utm_medium=copy&utm_campaign=share&
Charnv48

Babies
don't enter this world with a sexual preference, it is a learned behavior. I
believe being gay is a bi-product of nurturing behaviors, rather than
nature. We our a collections of experiences and environments. The response to attraction is mental conditioning. This is why Marketing, commercials,
things presented on Television and in movies are so successful. We form our
opinions on what is deemed attractive based on what is presented to us. As a woman every
time I see muscular men I say to myself "he is hot", when I see a
muscular woman I say to myself "now, that is not attractive". I imagen
if I spent enormous amounts of time fondling women, I would probably learn to find women
attractive. We practice and repeat the behavoirs we like and we don't engage in the things we do not like. When a man says he has spent time fondling men and has not spent
time fondling a woman, clearly it is because he has mentally conditioned/accepted
sexual interaction with men is okay. When you consider the number of men imprisoned
for several years, will adopt the belief that having sex with another man is
acceptable based on their environment. When you consider the number of men who enlist
into the military and spend large amounts of time in an all male environment,
little boys that are conditioned to believe hanging out with only boys is more
satisfying than co-ed activities, athletes who spend enormous amounts of time
working out with other men. These behaviors are mental conditioning, not to say
that all men who spend large amounts of time with other men are gay, but is
does suggest that men who spend large amounts of time with gay men are likely
to see homosexuality as the new norm. Reinforced mental conditioning manifests
itself into behavior. The part that troubles me the most is learning that some
homosexual males will date and marry women, because they want children, they
want to outwardly embrace socially acceptable norms, and or bi-sexual men struggle
with expunging /remove or delete their natural desire to be with a woman. Therefore,
bi-sexual = homosexuals will knowingly and purposely endanger innocent women by lying
about their homosexual activities. Life is really simple, if you like sexing men, then sex men....but please don't drag innocent, unsuspecting women into a life style that is filled with secrets, lies and self hate. You have more that enough of your own personal issues to keep you busy, for a lifetime.

Read more about Coming out the Closet, Bisexual Man, Bi Curious, | Dear NWSO | Naked With Socks On on:
http://nwso.net/2011/07/12/used-to-be-gay/?utm_source=INK&utm_medium=copy&utm_campaign=share&
SassyNOLa

Mr. Curious, you're gay. You didn't date men to find the love of a father-figure. You are romantically attracted to men. People are aware of the mourning process that parents go through when their children identify themselves as gay- the wife, husband, 2 1/2 children, dog, and white picket fence fantasy; but not enough folks think about the fact that gay men and women themselves at some point may mourn having to give up that idealistic dream. They can still go on to have a great life with their partners and children, but it's not the the life that they themselves imagined (based on society's definition of the perfect life). You imagining yourself with a women long-term, doesn't mean you're straight, bisexual, or attracted to her. It simply means you were fed the same picture-perfect life we all were and you aren't ready to give that up... yet. In any case, the best place for you to find a woman accepting of your gay past... is church. Those women are desperate to marry and will look past ALL types of red flags and WTF behavior (all the while knowing this is a disaster- they want that picture-perfect life just as badly as you do and will take a counterfeit if need be). I think you'd be better off doing some further self-examination, but if the fake picture-perfect life is what you want, a Church woman is what you'll need. Good luck!
SassyNOLa

Mr. Curious, you're gay. You didn't date men to find the love of a father-figure. You are romantically attracted to men. People are aware of the mourning process that parents go through when their children identify themselves as gay- the wife, husband, 2 1/2 children, dog, and white picket fence fantasy; but not enough folks think about the fact that gay men and women themselves at some point may mourn having to give up that idealistic dream. They can still go on to have a great life with their partners and children, but it's not the the life that they themselves imagined (based on society's definition of the perfect life). You imagining yourself with a women long-term, doesn't mean you're straight, bisexual, or attracted to her. It simply means you were fed the same picture-perfect life we all were and you aren't ready to give that up... yet. In any case, the best place for you to find a woman accepting of your gay past... is church. Those women are desperate to marry and will look past ALL types of red flags and WTF behavior (all the while knowing this is a disaster- they want that picture-perfect life just as badly as you do and will take a counterfeit if need be). I think you'd be better off doing some further self-examination, but if the fake picture-perfect life is what you want, a Church woman is what you'll need. Good luck!
SassyNOLa

Mr. Curious, you're gay. You didn't date men to find the love of a father-figure. You are romantically attracted to men. People are aware of the mourning process that parents go through when their children identify themselves as gay- the wife, husband, 2 1/2 children, dog, and white picket fence fantasy; but not enough folks think about the fact that gay men and women themselves at some point may mourn having to give up that idealistic dream. They can still go on to have a great life with their partners and children, but it's not the the life that they themselves imagined (based on society's definition of the perfect life). You imagining yourself with a women long-term, doesn't mean you're straight, bisexual, or attracted to her. It simply means you were fed the same picture-perfect life we all were and you aren't ready to give that up... yet. In any case, the best place for you to find a woman accepting of your gay past... is church. Those women are desperate to marry and will look past ALL types of red flags and WTF behavior (all the while knowing this is a disaster- they want that picture-perfect life just as badly as you do and will take a counterfeit if need be). I think you'd be better off doing some further self-examination, but if the fake picture-perfect life is what you want, a Church woman is what you'll need. Good luck!
Anonymous

Sorry, but there's no such thing as "used to be gay." The mere fact that he's not repulsed by kissing or fondling another man sites that there is some sexual attraction there. He's either bi or confused but actually, I'm leaning more toward gay and in denial. Sounds like he feels guilty about liking men and wants to find excuses to brush it off or suppress the urge. Plus, the fact that he doesn't believe in premarital sex is probably the only reason he hasn't gone all the way to homebase with a man. I know it's hard for people to come out of the closet, especially since there are a lot of crazy, hateful people in the world who would take someone's life if they suspect homosexuality. But he needs to get a grip on himself. I guess a therapist can help best.

da ThRONe

I don't think people understand how fragile sexuality is. We try to paint everything as just black and white like we're taught, but life just isn't that simple.