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Does Being Cheated On Make You Stronger Or Weaker?

Posted by JR The Writer • July 27, 2011 • Printer-friendly

My mother told my whole family when I was only four years old that I was going to be a successful, smart, and caring young man who they'd all be proud of. (I mean what mother doesn’t say that about their child?) The only difference about this situation was my mom also said I would have only one serious weakness in life, and it would be women. Well, you can just call my mom Miss Cleo because she was nothing short of a professional psychic with that prediction.

Being raised by a single mother, I’ve always had the mentality that I would never treat a woman the way my father treated her. While that’s a great quality to have, it’s also a vulnerable one that I haven’t seemed to quite figure out.

I’m barely on the edge of 22, so I don’t know how many “real” relationships you would consider me to have been in, but I've been in enough to know it hurt when they cheated. Yes, “they,” as in multiple women! I guess the problem with me is I’m a good guy who tries to give a girl everything she wants, and at this point in the game my theme song might as well be Bill Wither’s “Use Me.” However, I’ve gotten pretty good at knowing when a girl is just taking advantage of me and know when it’s time to bail.

So what’s the real problem, then?

Well, speaking with a friend who recently was cheated on after a three-year relationship, gave me the realization that I may not have a heart anymore. As he explained the whole ordeal of his distress and all that other emotional stuff he’d be too embarrassed to tell all of "the guys," I just kept saying to myself, so?

I know, mean, right?

As he looked at my unconcerned face he asked why I was so emotionally calm about it, I honestly couldn’t answer him. Maybe it’s because out of the four serious relationships I’ve had, I’ve been cheated on during three of them. Maybe it’s because the first girl I lost my virginity to, cheated on me THE SAME NIGHT and since then it’s been a downward spiral. I know a lot of you are cracking your knuckles as you prepare to tell me the 99,839,834 things that are probably wrong with me, it’s okay I’m aware. However, what I’m not aware of is why cheating isn’t a big deal to me anymore?

I know I’m not going to go out and cheat; but have I been cheated on so much that it doesn’t even bother me? I guess the better question would be, is that a good or bad thing? Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m expecting the worst out of people but if I’m not really hurt in the end isn’t that what matters? My homeboy said he envied that quality in me but was curious about whether or not I could take my relationships seriously if I’m not really getting emotional when I’m supposed to be “hurt.”

On one side I think it’s a great quality. Most of my peers have NO IDEA what they want right now. I love hearing the classic line, “Why can’t I just find a good partner?” These are the same people who end up with the bad boy/bad girl type that ultimately is going to just put them right back where they started. So while I’m on the journey to find someone compatible, isn’t it good I can skip the whole getting hurt, getting jealous, and getting upset drama?

On the other end, I do truly feel bad, though. I look at relationships as being with someone you feel have all the qualities (or most) that you want in a partner, so if I’m just dusting off being cheated on then it’s obvious I’m not showing real emotional value, huh? Otherwise, I would be hurt that someone I thought I meant so much to would do that to me.

Have you ever been cheated on? Did the experience make you stronger or less trusting? Do you think that people who get cheated on run the risk of being cold-hearted in the future? How do you deal with a cheating partner? Do you see any scenario where you could forgive the person? Have you ever dated someone who was emotionally unavailable? What would you do if the person you lost your virginity to slept with someone else the same day? Do you think I'm doing something wrong if three of my four girlfriends have cheated on me? What advice would you give me moving forward in the dating world?

Speak your piece...

ANNOUNCEMENT: NWSO PANEL APPEARANCE

This Saturday, July 30, 2011 yours truly Anslem “NWSO” Samuel will appear as a panelist at the Digital Waves Festival. I, along with several other social media gurus, will discuss how to brand yourself online—both within an established organization and independently—as well as the pros and cons of both. If you’re free on Saturday come through to The Greene Space (WNYC Radio), 44 Charlton St. bet. Varick & 6th Ave., NYC to check me out. The all-day event runs from 10-5 (here’s a full schedule) but my panel is from 2:30-3:30.

Tagged as: cheating, cheating in relationships, infidelity, why do people cheat?

http://twitter.com/essem_SEE Maurice Ezell

i've been cheated on (cues MJ's Billie Jean) on one hand it made me more observant of possible issues; on the other i'm either jealous or could care less
http://twitter.com/essem_SEE Maurice Ezell

i've been cheated on (cues MJ's Billie Jean) on one hand it made me more observant of possible issues; on the other i'm either jealous or could care less
Osirius

Technically no because I'm yet to be in a serious relationship but I've felt that misplaced betrayal you get when someone you are getting to know starts getting to know someone else and leaves you hanging. It does make you stronger because you better learn what to spot in cheaters and for me, more leery of become emotional excessive just because a woman is showing me rhythm
Coco

Maybe you need to make better choices in the females that you choose to date. I've been cheated on...at first I was like "well, what did I do!", "did I do something wrong?". But whether I did or didn't..I didnt deserve that! So I concluded that I needed to make choices in men, and avoid men who had similar traits to the cheating ex. Going throught that really made me think about a lot of things..the signs were there but for some strange reason, it took a while to clock on. Naivety on my part. But I definately learnt a lot..!! As soon as I woke up, which took about a month or so I dumped his cheating arse. It then took almost a year to get rid of him...the calls, the texts, turning up at my house the works!! I ignored him...it was far from easy but I have standards, and for me once a cheat, always a cheat. The joke was he offered to marry me if I took him back lol. Now I did respond to 'that' text lol. And told him where to go.
Did it make me stronger?..i think it did. A year and a half later I met a 'real man' and it's great! I look back now, and I think "what the hell did I ever see in that man" lol. The jokes on him....I recently received a letter in the post from him. Asking me how I'm doing, and even had the nerve to ask me if I was attached to anyone. The letter went straight into the bin!! Along with all my memories of him.
For me cheating is a big deal...but it's not a big deal for cheaters.

TRUTHDIVINE1979

U are so right!

http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com/ southernpoise

Interesting coming from a man. No emotional “outward” expression after being cheated on…hmmm. Raises my brow as well. While cheating is not just a one-sided thing, it is typically expected that men are going to cheat; I say that lightly, not generalizing. Though you would think, women, if anything, would be “used” to it by now. But the fact is, being a woman myself, it’s never something you get “used” to. Now depending on the person and stage of the relationship, by the time the crime has been committed, then you might not be as distraught by it, because more than likely, it was bound to happen any day now. And that’s your “out”. It’s over, done, and you’re fine with it(not really), but you move on.
Now on the other side of that, if you are in a long-term relationship, and you are truly in love, then yes, you should be upset by the deceptive act. Here it is, living your life on a daily thinking everything is peachy keen, saying your “I love yous” and probably planning for the future with this person, and then behind your back, they giving away your goodies. The ultimate betrayal. So, in that moment of clarity, you find out everything you ever had with this person has been reduced to a lie. And for men, I believe it’s so much harder for them to let down their guard down to even be committed, wholehearted. So when they do, it can be so much harder for them to get over if they are betrayed. Some you expect that they can and will plead temporary insanity when it happens, “I don’t know your honor, I just blacked out, and when I woke up, my hands were around her neck” lol. I’ve never been on that end, so I can’t really vouch for that. Lol and not that I condone violence either. Never a good look. But I feel like if you’ve been in 4 long term relationships, and you’ve been cheated on 3, and never showed any emotional signs of hurt. Anger. Pain. Disgust, then either
a. you were never really in love or
b. you are a relationship person, but not necessarily in a relationship for REAL love(then why be in one) or
c. you have no heart(everyone's born with one). Or
D. doesn’t know what REAL love is(so you shrug it, you because you really didn't care enough).
Maybe because you’ve been cheated on 3 times, you don’t recognize real love, cause you haven’t had it, don't know what it feels like, and don't know what how to reciprocate, and never really put your heart in it, expecting that it's not really going to last anyway, so there's no real "emotional" attachement. And if there's no real emotional attachment, maybe that's the reason you're being cheated on. *shrugs* The women can sense that, so they feel insecure about the relationship, therefore searching outside the relationship for what's missing. It's an ongoing cycle. Maybe you really need to explore that more. Why are they cheating? After all, you ARE the one being cheated on.

http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com/ southernpoise

dang did I just write a book lol. my bad.

Rastaman

“Betrayal can only happen if you love.”
Excuse me but I am skeptical that the writer has been in love 4 times by the age of 22 and unless he has been then none of those people really cheated on you.   So claiming you have been cheated on by people with whom you have no such bond is not valid in my book. I am not insensitive to the hurt of betrayal but cheating claims are so cavalierly thrown around that I tend to think people say it to make them seem more interesting or sympathetic.   So being cheated on in a multiple of serious relationships before you are 22 tells me you got a big L on your forehead. You may want to work on removing that before you embark on the next romantic endeavor. Being a “good guy” is not about giving women what they want that is being spineless and a doormat and will only get you used.   Ask any woman if that approach works with men?
I cannot swear I have never been cheated on and at this moment in my life unless it is the woman I am currently involved with and thus I do not care.   So I have no expertise on how to deal with a cheating partner, I enjoyed all of my serious relationships and when they were no longer enjoyable they ended.   While I have been involved with a lot of women, only a few I can claim to have loved and so any claim of cheating would be limited to those few women.   Betrayal of trust is not limited to romantic relationships and learning to protect oneself against it is a necessary life skill.
Blind love is not love it is delusion, a love relationship is just like any other relationship and people have to prove they are trustworthy before you give them your loyalty.   If you offer your loyalty and then they betray you then it is on you.    Trust but verify.

Artemis Fowl

I agree with this to an extent. You need to get some experience and learn from it. What you over-dramatize at 22 in terms of love and relationships, you'll come to view apathetically when you are in your 30s b/c of the increased wisdom.
Artemis Fowl

I agree with this to an extent. You need to get some experience and learn from it. What you over-dramatize at 22 in terms of love and relationships, you'll come to view apathetically when you are in your 30s b/c of the increased wisdom.
Artemis Fowl

I agree with this to an extent. You need to get some experience and learn from it. What you over-dramatize at 22 in terms of love and relationships, you'll come to view apathetically when you are in your 30s b/c of the increased wisdom.
http://twitter.com/JRtheWriter Jason Weintraub

Just to clarify... I never said I was in love with any of these women. I've loved them for who they were and what they have done, but not "In love." You don't necessarily have to be in love with someone to get hurt. Anybody who I deeply care about that betrays me is hurtful (imo). I only call them relationships because we've spent considerable amount of time (usually a year or more) sacrificing emotion, money, time, and trust in a way that is further than we would for a friend.

Betrayal is backstabbing or violating someone's trust, and while it would be smart to only trust someone you truly love, sadly people like myself don't...

Potato_with_Jive

hmm. Southernpoise put an interesting spin on this. Granted, no one deserves to be deceived and cheated on. But if the common denominator in these ill-fated relationships is you, then maybe there's something more to it. Not to suggest that all cheating relationships is the fault of the cheatee. Im a betting man and Id say MOST of the time the cheater is just a selfish, deceitful loser that couldnt be honest about wanting out of that relationship.

But when the odds are 75% of the relationships ended with the partner looking elsewhere there might be something there that needs to be reevaluated. The writer claimed he is much more aware of certain traits or patterns forming, which is at least step in the right direction.

Whats more concerning is the cold-heartedness that seems to be settling in. Perhaps its just the result of building a thicker skin from past battles. It sucks to hurt and eventually we build defense mechanisms so it doesn't happen anymore. But just as you are mindful of other peoples characteristics, I'd be very very careful that these defense mechanisms prevent you from being a compassionate, romantically generous lover yourself. You run the risk of seeming like you don't care, which is immediatly evident and perhaps is part of why the ladies have bailed.

I have a friend that has historically bad luck with women and its definitely warped his view on relationships and dating and it shows. He is closed off and seemingly "emotionaless". He complains constantly about how awful women are. Who wants to stay with someone like that?

Recently something clicked and he's realized that its not all these "bad women" out there as much as it is the negativity he is putting out there. He's now has made a conscious effort to take responsibility himself and make an effort to be more open, to be more positive, to be more giving and its made a difference. He's dating a girl that's crazy about him and he finally sees how his sour attitude was actually a dark cloud that he was dragging along with him everywhere.

All this to say don't let a few bad plays sour you to the whole game.
After all it is a game and sometimes you lose. If you close yourself
off emotionally, you only lessen your chances of enjoying a lush and
beautifully fulfilling experience with someone else.

Osirius

So valid. People let their bitterness grow until they become nihilistic towards the idea of being in a relationship. I can say I've been surrounded by a negative past with women and i'm constantly fighting off becoming overly embittered by it and instead looking at myself and seeing the flaws in me, acknowledging the flaws in her, and moving onto the next one with abundant knowledge.

http://twitter.com/RDITR Realestdudeintheroom

Rastaman stole my thunder. At 22, none of your relationships can be considered serious. You just think they are. You have never been cheated on because in spite of your feelings, none of the relationships that you have been in qualify as relationships. Enjoy life. Spread your proverbial wild oats and settle down in 10 years. You will know what you like and don't like by that time. If you get cheated on at that point, it will hurt because the relationship will have meaning and depth.

Anonymous

I have to disagree with both of you. Age is nothing but a number. People mature at different rates. The OP was clearly mature enough to settle down. In todays standards that age may be looked down on as being too young to marry, but decades ago, that was the normal. So clearly the number within the "Age" means nothing, on when and when isnt, a relationship is serious. Clearly the Women in the OP cheated. I dont know if you are a religious man, but that a rule breaker of god, for some people.

I can connect with what the OP is coming from. I was the same way. When I was first cheated on,,, it gave me the exp on how to handle it in the future. I was so fucking hurt. But I look back on it, and laugh and ask myself why I ever loved that girl. She wasnt physically attractive, she was just warming my heart. I loved her.

I went to get advice from my male friends, and like you two,,, they dont see women as a love partner. Its all about Sex and Games. SMH, what kind of generation is this?

I was told things by these more exp guys, like ,,,,
"Sleeping around is not cheating. And you should talk to other women behind your girlfriend's back, so you dont get hurt if your girlfriend decides to Cheat or Leave you for another guy. Because it is very easy for a Good Nice Man such as yourself to get hurt and abused. Also never give a woman your 100% Always give more than one woman a percentage of you so you always have a lover to go to in case something goes wrong with your girlfriend. BUT NEVER 100%"

I couldnt believe this is the advice and mindset of what the typical man thinks. And you wonder why Cheating is so popular now days. Damn,,, Cheating is becoming a Positive thing now days. wtf?!
Kim

I have to diasgree with you, you can be in a serious relationship under the age of 22.Some people are more mature at 20 than some at 30.I m in my early 20s and I had one serious relationship.
Most of my friends under the age of 25 also had at least one.
I agree with knighthonor - age ain t nothing but a number.It all comes down to your own values,how you grew up, experiences and how mature you are regarding being able to love,to compromise etc. .
But as research shows, women tend to develop earlier than men.

jaclynsd

This is just a classic case of getting what you expect. Unfortunately in this scenario his mother planted the seed. How can one be hurt when he knows what’s coming. Its like he is standing in traffic waiting to get hit, its no surprise, I mean dude is in the middle of the street, cars flying by, he’s been hit by a car before, so he knows what’s coming, so much so, he just stands there and waits. Just like in life we attract what we put out and he is putting out “cheat on me its ok cause I don’t even feel it anymore.” We have feelings towards different situation and new reactions, you cant keep feeling the same thing over and over and expect it to be the same as the first, that’s not feeling that’s monotony.
Its time to face it we’re all where we want to be. I hope he chooses to be in a better situation soon.

Kim

Why do you think that the mother meant with the "women are going to be your weakness" that he s being cheating on again and again?I understood it more like "you won t be ble to settle down because one ain t enaough for you".And I highly doubt that this developed out of something his mother told him at the age of four.

Anonymous

Gotta agree w/ some of the comments above...its kinda hard to believe you've been in multiple serious relationships and you're only 22. (I may be biased - 25 years and 0 serious relationships)

On another note, I cringed at this: “I guess the problem with me is I’m a good guy who tries to give a girl everything she wants”
I've dated a couple of guys who would probably describe themselves in this way. But I don't get it, what makes y'all good guys? Is it because you give the woman you are dating everything she wants??? And are you giving her what she wants or what you think she wants?
Either way, never give 100% too early...
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Kim

Have you ever been cheated on?
Nope.
Do you think that people who get cheated on run the risk of being cold-hearted in the future?
Men tend to get really jealous and mistrusting if a girlfriend of them cheated on them.Some get cold hearted but I would say that the majority just doesn t trust new partners anymore and scare them off with that.

How do you deal with a cheating partner?
That would depend on the relationhship.If he cheats on me after 6 months I wouldn t bother.If he cheats on me after 6 years I would at least try to work out why and try to make ot work.But only if he cheated with anybody, it s a different story if he had an affair.

Do you see any scenario where you could forgive the person?
Well, after 15 years of marriage and 2 children or so I sure as hell wouldn t give up that easily.I at least owe that to myself and him.

Have you ever dated someone who was emotionally unavailable?
Naah.But my e`xes did;)

What would you do if the person you lost your virginity to slept with someone else the same day?
I would ve make a scene and kick him in the nuts or so.

Do you think I'm doing something wrong if three of my four girlfriends have cheated on me?
Maybe those were just chicks who couldn t keep it in their ants but I guess they were only in the relationhsip to be in a relationhsip.He should probably select more carefully and not just get together with any girl, but pay attention to her intentions etc.

What advice would you give me moving forward in the dating world?
Find out what you want!And if the cheating didn t bother you it can t have been a serious relationhship, you didn t love them then.If the woman cheats on her man and he loves her to bits it s gonna kill something inside of him.He won t say "well,alrighty".
"“isn’t it good I can skip the whole getting hurt, getting jealous, and getting upset drama?”That s the package deal.If you don t get hurt, don t want no drama and that stuff you have affairs.But no relationships.Those do not work if you don t open up and opening up means making yourself vulnerable and thust giving your partner the option to hurt you, but also love you.
Red Flag Minor

Nice Article,

Yes I've been cheated on. While its one of the hardest feelings to come to terms with, in the end I believe its up to the individual to decide whether or not they will become stronger because of it, or let it affect them for there on out. That's ultimately what I had to realize...

http://www.redflag101.com/damaged-goods-story/

At some point you have to let it go and move on...