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Should a Grown Man be Able to Date a Teenager? (Tues. W/Tee Tee)

Posted by NWSO • August 2, 2011 • Printer-friendly

R. Kelly & Aaliyah

Just friends?

Dear Tee Tee,

I’m writing to you, Tee Tee, because I would like some advice. I’ve just moved to Nebraska from Hamilton, Washington about two months ago. Everyone who asks is told it's because of “family issues,” and to a point it was.

Actually, I’m 17 now, but last year I fell in love with a 22-year-old African American man named Will when I was 16 (and I’m White). We’re still in love and engaged, but the reason my mom made me move to Nebraska is because she and my father were not supportive of the age and racial difference.

Personally, I don’t think it should matter. I believe that with all of my heart, age and racial differences shouldn’t matter. Now, Will and I are waiting until I’m 18 to get married but I really wish there was a way to convince my parents that love is love no matter how big or small the diversity is, without anyone getting hurt.

In January my mother had a no contact order put against Will until January 2012, if that was not so I would still be living in Washington with him but we violated the restraining order and he went to jail. In that period of time my mother threatened me to move to Nebraska with her or she would report me as a runaway and who would authorities believe? My mother, or the 16-year-old, who supposedly “doesn’t know what she wants?”

I’m asking for help and advice. What should I do? Do you think the age difference is that much of a difference? What can I do to make my mother know that she's being unfair? Any advice you can give me would be great. Thanks, Tee Tee.

Dear White Chocolate Girl,

You’re right about race not mattering in a relationship but, unfortunately, age does matter. It sucks that your parents filed the restraining order and that your boyfriend went to jail because of it but they were within their right to do so. They're your parents and it's their job to protect you even when you don't feel like you need it.

Actor Barry Floyd from BET's The Game

Guess who's back in the (blogging) game?

I know it's not what you want to hear but, at 16-years old, you shouldn't be dating a 22-year-old grown man. I can understand why you would want to but, honestly, this guy should know better and should never have let things get this far. This is probably one of those things that you won't be able to look at objectively until you're a little older and have dated a little more but you should ask yourself: Why a 22-year-old man isn't dating someone his own age?

Aside from that, although you’ll be legally able to marry him or anyone else you want once you turn 18 I really don't think you should. Eighteen is way too young for anyone to get married in my opinion. It's the first time in your life that you'll truly be free to be who you want and do what you want without having to ask for anyone's permission. Don't be so quick to give away that freedom. Date, have fun, see what else is out there. If it's truly meant to be you guys will end up together anyway.

Also, stop and ask yourself a question and make sure you're honest with yourself: Why do you want to marry this person? If it's because you’re truly in love then more power to you. But don't commit yourself to another person for the rest of your life just because you want to get back at your parents for telling you you couldn't do something. That would be a huge mistake and you would only be hurting yourself.

As far as the race issue is concerned, you should date whomever you want in that regard and don't let anyone tell you that you can't—even your parents. But again, don't make it a rebellion thing where you date Black guys just to piss off your parents. It wouldn't be fair to the people you're dating.

I know that probably I haven't given you the answer that you wanted to hear but I hope you take my advice. I would never condescend to tell you that you "don't know what you want" but you're very young and you'd be surprised how much what you want could change in the next few years.

Barry Floyd aka Tee Tee
@Barry_Floyd
PurpleStuffTV.com

Do you think a parent has a right to tell their child whom to love? Do you think the issue here has more to do with race or the age difference? Would you go so far as to move to keep your child from dating someone you disapproved of? Do you find that most girls wind up dating an older man at some point in their lives? Why is that? Does that automatically mean that the man is a pervert for dating someone younger? Would you enforce statutory rape charges on a man for dating your teenaged daughter? Would this be an issue if it were a grown woman dating a teenage boy? At what age should age not be a factor in dating? What did you think of Barry’s advice overall this time around? Would you like to see more Tuesdays with Tee Tee posts?

Speak your piece…

REMINDER: The Official NWSO 3rd Anniversary Party is next Wednesday, August 10, 2011. CLICK HERE for details and I’ll see you there.

CLICK HERE to read previous Tuesdays with Tee Tee posts...

Tagged as: Barry Floyd, dating advice, racial tension, statutory rape, Tuesdays with Tee Tee, underage dating

Sushin91

I don't really know what the big deal is with a 22 year old dating a 16 year old....she's not a little girl anymore and every person develops differently when it comes to their mentality. I think her parents were very strict...a little too strict. the only concern i have is the marriage thing...an 18 year old should NEVER EVER marry , cause sooner or later they're gonna regret all the missed experiences during their youth and it might end in divorce!!! i think age really is not a big deal until you decide to settle down with the person, as long as it's just an experience, it is just just...another experience!
http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

I dated a 20 year old when i was 16. We stayed together 2 years, got engaged, but didn't get married. I can understand from this chicks perspective that she might be (or at least thinks she is) mature enough to handle a grown up relationship because at 16, we all think we're grown lol. You can drive, you can get a job, you're pretty much starting to come into your own. But those are usually false affirmations. I can say now, being 24 years old and having experienced real life, that it would never have worked had me and the ex stayed together, regardless of how much we loved each other.

A 16 year old is never going to see anything wrong with dating up. Hell, it was a badge of honor when i was a teenager- having someone who had a car, could buy you drinks, had money to take you out. Of course a 16 year old is gonna see the glitz and glamour. But the adult in this situation...they need to see a problem here.What can a 16 year old add to your life? The experience?? That ship has sailed for you. You already dated 16 year olds when you were 16! I think there are other issues to address when an adult dates (for all intents and purposes) a child.

jaclynsd

Kudos to you because at 24 you seem to really get it where other’s don’t, even if they are older then you. The truth is no matter how mature you are or think you are at 16 the reality is that a 22yr old has something on you…age and experience. They know what to say and do and even if its not ill intended the gap in years (even if the person it 22) makes a difference.
In any case I’m glad you wised up and didn’t marry. I, unfortunately, ended up regretting it and feeling like I was 40 before I was even 21. Unable to handle the responsibilities I thought I was mature enough to handle even when others warned me. I think we are both good examples of what happens when one allows themselves to wait and mature, and another thinks she knows what she can handle. Thanks for sharing J
jaclynsd

Kudos to you because at 24 you seem to really get it where other’s don’t, even if they are older then you. The truth is no matter how mature you are or think you are at 16 the reality is that a 22yr old has something on you…age and experience. They know what to say and do and even if its not ill intended the gap in years (even if the person it 22) makes a difference.
In any case I’m glad you wised up and didn’t marry. I, unfortunately, ended up regretting it and feeling like I was 40 before I was even 21. Unable to handle the responsibilities I thought I was mature enough to handle even when others warned me. I think we are both good examples of what happens when one allows themselves to wait and mature, and another thinks she knows what she can handle. Thanks for sharing J
jaclynsd

Kudos to you because at 24 you seem to really get it where other’s don’t, even if they are older then you. The truth is no matter how mature you are or think you are at 16 the reality is that a 22yr old has something on you…age and experience. They know what to say and do and even if its not ill intended the gap in years (even if the person it 22) makes a difference.
In any case I’m glad you wised up and didn’t marry. I, unfortunately, ended up regretting it and feeling like I was 40 before I was even 21. Unable to handle the responsibilities I thought I was mature enough to handle even when others warned me. I think we are both good examples of what happens when one allows themselves to wait and mature, and another thinks she knows what she can handle. Thanks for sharing J
jaclynsd

Kudos to you because at 24 you seem to really get it where other’s don’t, even if they are older then you. The truth is no matter how mature you are or think you are at 16 the reality is that a 22yr old has something on you…age and experience. They know what to say and do and even if its not ill intended the gap in years (even if the person it 22) makes a difference.
In any case I’m glad you wised up and didn’t marry. I, unfortunately, ended up regretting it and feeling like I was 40 before I was even 21. Unable to handle the responsibilities I thought I was mature enough to handle even when others warned me. I think we are both good examples of what happens when one allows themselves to wait and mature, and another thinks she knows what she can handle. Thanks for sharing J
jaclynsd

Kudos to you because at 24 you seem to really get it where other’s don’t, even if they are older then you. The truth is no matter how mature you are or think you are at 16 the reality is that a 22yr old has something on you…age and experience. They know what to say and do and even if its not ill intended the gap in years (even if the person it 22) makes a difference.
In any case I’m glad you wised up and didn’t marry. I, unfortunately, ended up regretting it and feeling like I was 40 before I was even 21. Unable to handle the responsibilities I thought I was mature enough to handle even when others warned me. I think we are both good examples of what happens when one allows themselves to wait and mature, and another thinks she knows what she can handle. Thanks for sharing J

Anonymous

I've always had a thing for older guys, especially since my father is in his 80's and my mother is 51. I also went through a phase of only want guys who were dark like my dad and physically fit an tall. Usually, I never ended up with the guys who looked like I want, but the age thing was very serious to me. I'm 20 now but at 14 I dated and 18 yr old (didnt have sex) and at 15 I dated a 28 yr old (no sex either). When I was looking for love in all the wrong places, when I was 16, I had a one night stand with a different 28 yr old. I didn't know that what called "statutory rape" till years later. I look back on it now, and I can honestly say that yes I was a grown 16 yrs old and I didn't have a car or my own place. I have been able to be a child since I was born and now that I'm in college, I am just not able to know freedom and peace. I could definitely see, at around 13, that I knew a lot more about too much since I was a toddler, and that guys my age couldn't relate or understand, so I sought the affection of older guys because it seemed more likely that they would have been through or knew about what I had been through by that time. I always, and still to this day, feel about 5 yrs older than my age and 5 yrs older than the people around me. I typically surround myself with older friends, and even my freshman year of college I was assumed to be a junior or senior because of the way I carried myself, spoke and behaved. I've honestly never been young till now.

When I think back on it, I don't regret dating older men because they taught me a LOT and matured me even more than I already had been. I do regret the desperate way I searched for love in them and I didn't learn till later that someone can only be in your life to teach you, not to love you. Those men should have also known better because nobody wants to go to jail, but we all want to do wrong and not get caught. I agree that this girl should wait a while. She grew up, sounds like, with a silver spoon in her mouth and that can shelter a child sometimes from learning how to make their own decisions. My life, growing up, I had to find my own dang on spoon and most times I made it work with just my hands. Currently I'm dating someone my age, 20, who grew up a lot faster than normal like I did, and he proved me wrong because I thought it was impossible that I would find a guy my age who could mentally challenge me. Guess I was wrong.
http://lesleyhal.com Mslediva

There is a reason that it is against the law for adults to date children. Mentally, she's not there yet. He should be ashamed of himself and allow her to live freely and if later on down the line they get back together then it would be better for them in the long run. Dating outside your race is a personal decision. I'm all for LOVE regardless of race or even sexual preferences. Your parents are on;y telling you the truth. Please take their advice and be the teen that you are while you can be. What's going to happen is that you're going to get pregnant and eventually left with a child to raise while he's gone on about his business.
justme

Sticky question! I have to answer yes and I also have to answer no. Yes, because as a fast, over developed teenager who did not look nor act her age, I dated older men. I did indeed lie about by age, I was 17 when I was 15. I was 20 when I was a18 and I was 16 when I was 14. Many of the men that I dated at a young age were not expecting to marry, settle down, and buy an acre of land to live happily ever after. It was all about sex, drugs, and hip hop (can't say rock n' roll). So if someone like me lies about their age and they young man really does not know the true then he should not be held accountable. Women, young girls, and teenagers can be very cunning, manipulative, and nowadays they grow and mature physically at an alarming rate; therefore, I come to the defense of a young man who truly does not know the truth. However, if a man holds a predatory, pimpish ambition aout himself where he seeks young girls to take advantge of them because they can control the young girl into doing whatever they ask then I have a problem with that. I think when asking that question you have to look at the compatibility of the the two mental states of the parties involved. Is he grown, mentally strong and seeks to manipulate a poor, innocent virtuous female, then that is wrong. Is he 21 and she is 16, but by her upbringing and environement, she is street savy, smart, and can roll with him on certain levels, then I dont have a problem with him being older and her being younger. So I have to take the middle ground to say it depends on so many factors. Hey Look at Kimora and Russell, it may not have lasted for eternity but it lasted for a mong time.
justme

Sticky question! I have to answer yes and I also have to answer no. Yes, because as a fast, over developed teenager who did not look nor act her age, I dated older men. I did indeed lie about by age, I was 17 when I was 15. I was 20 when I was a18 and I was 16 when I was 14. Many of the men that I dated at a young age were not expecting to marry, settle down, and buy an acre of land to live happily ever after. It was all about sex, drugs, and hip hop (can't say rock n' roll). So if someone like me lies about their age and they young man really does not know the true then he should not be held accountable. Women, young girls, and teenagers can be very cunning, manipulative, and nowadays they grow and mature physically at an alarming rate; therefore, I come to the defense of a young man who truly does not know the truth. However, if a man holds a predatory, pimpish ambition aout himself where he seeks young girls to take advantge of them because they can control the young girl into doing whatever they ask then I have a problem with that. I think when asking that question you have to look at the compatibility of the the two mental states of the parties involved. Is he grown, mentally strong and seeks to manipulate a poor, innocent virtuous female, then that is wrong. Is he 21 and she is 16, but by her upbringing and environement, she is street savy, smart, and can roll with him on certain levels, then I dont have a problem with him being older and her being younger. So I have to take the middle ground to say it depends on so many factors. Hey Look at Kimora and Russell, it may not have lasted for eternity but it lasted for a mong time.
http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com/ southernpoise

If you look at the logistics, the difference in age is only 6 years. If it were a 30 year old and 24 year old, that would be no problem. Both are mature in age, and experience. But when you look at the reality of the mentality of a 16 year old, that is NOT ok. I wish my 16 year old, who is now only 15, would come to me talking about a 21 year old wants to date her. I would lock her and up in her room and throw away the key, and bury him under the jail if he touched her. I’m sorry, imo, at this point in my life, though I think that a 21year old male, is not mature, at all, in mentality compared to a 30 year old, but has enough maturity over a 16 year, that most 16 year olds are just not able to handle relationship wise.
Yes, she has the right to live her life and make her own decisions, but as a parent, I am supposed to help guide those decisions. As a young teen, and even in my 20s didn’t think about dating older. But, I’ve had enough experience in relationships, to know, at 16, it’s not where you want to be at. Sure the pleasures of mature experience has it’s benefits. But, there is plenty of time for that. And Tee Tee is right, 18 years old is too young for marriage. You need to explore life, find yourself, your MATURE self, and know what you want out of life, and experience what it has to offer you. There’s more to life than a man. Trust, there will be plenty.
trueamethyst

I met my ex husband when I was 17 & he was 24. I was in my second year of college so he probably thought I was 19 but I told him my age shortly after we met. I almost wish my parents had gotten an order of protection against him because the dating & subsequent marriage was something that took me over 20 years to get out of. I was mature, or so I thought, but he was a bit more savvy. He was manipulative and my guess with hindsight is that he found me easy to control; easier than dealing with a woman his age.

Yes, as we get older, the age differences don't matter but when you are talking about teen-agers, the age range seems astronomical.

I counsel all young people not to get married at 18. My suggestion is to live, enjoy life, figure out what you like & what makes you tick. there is more than enough time to get settled down later on.
Anonymous

I'm going to let the women in on a little secret. Any grown man who dates a child is sick. A 20 anything man dating...er raping a 16 year old has issues. 16 year olds are attractive when you are 16. Their minds are not fully developed, their bodies aren't ready to handle grown up sex. Think about all the 30 and 40 year old women that you know that are messed up, chasing around some half-ass-piece-of-a-man, and then think about how unfair it is for some grown man to steal some little girl's dreams. My daughter is 17. If I ever catch someone over 19 sniffing around, that young man is going to make the paper and I will be in the news.
Albert Powell

The objections in this case are pretty much society based. In terms of natural law, or even biblical law there is nothing wrong with a 22 year old being with a 16 year old. Even if consider sexual attraction, the body is physically ready at ages younger than that, don't forget that societies with different life expectancies and opportunities didn't always hold this perception of it being "sick" because their government didn't tell them it was. NOW...please don't mistake where I going with this just yet. The relationship is made objectionable because of laws our society made up to help our society function. And the reasoning on paper behind those laws that discourage relationships between adults and sexually-able minors is that the minors are unable to make decisions for themselves and are at a disadvantage in any interaction. Our society is so complex and it takes so long to properly prepare for, that young teens shouldn't have to deal with the possibility of having children or dealing with real world drama just yet. And when we call people "sick" for trying to have a relationship with a teen, remember it's not because their motive is inherently unnatural, they have just not fully understood why, because they are acting selfish and not using their own wisdom to think of the lack of life experience possessed by the teen.
prettypisces

honestly there is something wrong with this situation...22 is definitely too old for her...you have a completely different mindset at 16 than at 22...why isn't that man dating someone his age?16 is way too young no matter how "mature" she might be...i understand why she would want him, but I have to ask myself why that man would choose to date someone who isn't fully mentally or physically developed, isn't finished w/ high school, probably no car, lives w/ her parents & has a curfew?

he could get someone his own age or older that has more than that child has to offer without all the trouble...idc nobodys personality is that great to have to do all that & love or not I'm not going to jail for ANYONE

I'm not trying to bash either of these two but this situation isn't right & he needs to let that girl finish growing up
Polaricecapsrule

I strongly agree with the first comment. Sunshin91, you are right. Some people mature faster than others.. Not in all cases, but in many, age isn't a factor at determining the compatibility between two people in a relationship. Its what comes along with the age that matters.. as in views, common interests....etc. The age is merely a number that suggests an approximate level of experience and knowledge.. Some people have seen more than others.. some people know more than others.. and some people are just originally more perceptive than others. After all everyone is different for crying out loud. That 22 yearold guy might feel exactly like a teenager. or that 16 yearold girl might really be with an adult mindset. She might think look and/or act like a grownup.. and vice versa. I'm simply saying.. we can't judge this scenario adequately when we don't have all the necessary data.

Additionally, some people are mislead by this this niggling little cliche
'that age doesn't matter' & 'that love is love no matter how big or small the diversity is' .. which is TRUE but has become a cliche thanks to all the well-sold singers and the kleenex romance movies that have modified the whole concept of these phrases. They have commercialized it..and made us believe that it can only happen in movies, that it's something utterly cheesy and thus totally unrealistic. No. It is very much real and valid.

Another thing..

Not necessarily every living teenager on the planet feels as a grown-up when they're at that age.. Some are aware of what they're going through and view their life as a fleeting image that'll later pass them by. That this is just a temporary stage. And that there is so much out there to see and experience that in comparison it looks as if you know absolutely nothing of the world. Some adolescents do feel that they're green and inexperienced.. they comprehend that they're still kids.. and vulnerable.. which makes them more awake... and reasonable to an extent. People are just stuck with the common misconception that teenagers dont know what they want.. that they dont know what they feel. HEY! We are people. We have feelings.. and we are more pure than all of you guys.. exactly because we feel things more close to us.. we take everything more emotionally.. because thats the way you're supposed to take it.. Adults just grow out of it... because other urges and necessities take their spot. Urges and necessities most of which are totally unnecessary, mind you.

If the kids love each other and understand each other.. then so what? Let them be. A teenage romance isn't any less genuine that an adult one.. in fact it's even more.
Crcbella

You guys are seriously naive or plain dumb as heck if you think a 17 yr old wrote this. It's a fake post, 17 yr olds don't use proper punctuations, parenthesis and quotation marks. Lol comical.

CaliDreaming86

Lately, the posts here seem to be fictional to me.

Anonymous

And you've been on a roll lately.... and I'll just leave it at that. SMH

http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

Wow, really? Just because she's a teenager means she should type like she's illiterate?
Anonymous

#CmonSon

You know I'm a writer by trade and super anal, I'm not going to post a raw letter with typos and errors. I spell check everything before it goes live. I don't run a grammar-lacking site (outside of basic human error). And just because someone is 17 means they don't understand the English language and how to use it? Really? SMH

Crcbella

Is this your blog? I had no idea you started another blog. No disrespect but honestly I truly feel/felt this post was made up. It seemed extremely contrived. As if an adult was attempting to sound like a teenager WHILE using proper . , ; " as a matter of fact I'm convinced. U have a 17 yr old kid who is on the honor roll consistently. When someone can properly place punctuation marks they won't write like this. "and who would authorities believe" no, it would state "and who would the authorities believe" the grammar is atrocious in this post because it is trying to sound like a teen and yet it has all the proper punctuation marks. I'm going to give this the side eye. This is just my opinion of course.

Anonymous

Huh? This is Naked With Socks On, you've commented on the site before. So I didn't start a new blog (did redesign site though so maybe that threw you off?) but where did you think you were and how did you get here? LOL

At any rate, this is the letter I received and since she addressed Tee Tee (Barry Floyd) directly I reached out to him to have him respond and he graciously said yes. Honestly think the LW found Barry's previous post on interracial dating and thought this was his blog and what's why she addressed him as opposed to NWSO. If Barry wasn't open to addressing her issue I would have done so myself. I get a lot of letters from folks of all ages seeking advice and treat each one no matter how bizarre as real-life issues and problems and offer my opinion accordingly.

This letter is hardly one that's unrealistic so surprised you'd think it was "fake" simply because of the punctuation **blank stare** There have been plenty of other situations that grown folks have gotten themselves in that deserved some side-eye, but again if people come to me for help I'm going to take them at their word.

Besides all that there are just as many ADULTS that write bad-grammar-filled, non-punctuated, typo-riddled letters and comments so someone;s age shouldn't be a reason to say this ain't real. Yes, this letter came as one run-on sentence with random elipses throughout, which are typical of a teenager or someone sending a message on their phone, but I don't like putting a block of words cut & paste on my blog. I do myself and the readers a favor by making things more readable by adding proper punctuation and making some paragraph breaks. Figured most would appreciate that instead of seeing it making the post disingenuous.

#KanyeShrug

Aside from the punctuation and changing the BF's name to help protect the letter writer's identity, this letter is as I received it. Now, If an adult took the time to pretend to be a 17-year-old girl and send this in I have no idea, but to best of my knowledge this is a true story.

Crcbella

You guys are seriously naive or plain dumb as heck if you think a 17 yr old wrote this. It's a fake post, 17 yr olds don't use proper punctuations, parenthesis and quotation marks. Lol comical.
Jandhj2

They have separate interests and hobbies, don't they?
She's still in school so what happens to her during those seven or eight hours a day should be important. Homework takes up another hour or so (at least, per day).
He's working - his job environment, work mates and happenings during the day are entirely different from hers.
What do they have in common - or as common interests - aside from the hobby of s*x?
Sushin91

not necessarily...I myself do think that a 22 year old dating a 16 year old is kinda strange, but as someone mentioned before...we ain't got enough details to judge the circumstance. I rather have the impression that because the parents make such a fuss out of it, the enhancement is put on the race and age difference. but if they took their time to get to know this guy a little bit better personally, they would probably realise the compatibility those two individuals might share with each other.
I don't know this young lady personally, but as NWSO already assumed that this girl partly wants to marry this guy to rebell against her parents and prove her independence with his action, I really believe that he might be correct with his thought. if her parents weren't so extreme, things would have probably not happened this way!
She is young and just starting to experience life, but that doesn't make her incompatible with this man...who knows how experienced he is with life? for sure more than her, but that also means that she could learn from him..in a good way!
I seriously know so many young man that are 22 and older and believe me, men develop very differently when it comes to their mental state. if a young girl age 16 and more is smart or intelligent, she won't have any difficulties to catch up with a 22 year old.