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What if Your Boss Wanted to Sleep With You?

Posted by NWSO • August 3, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I'm in somewhat of a dilemma for more than five months now because my boss has been coming on to me. I'm married, and so is he. I've worked under him for six years now and, initially, he used to give me a lot of fatherly (or at least what I thought was fatherly) advice, which I really appreciated because he encouraged me while I was pursuing a higher education and kind of guided my career path.

About five months ago it got really uncomfortable working with him because he expressed that he found me “attractive.” When he did, I was real nonchalant about it, like, "Okay, so do many." I guess I didn't think he was serious. I mean, he holds a very high position at our company and for him to tell me something like that, I thought it was a bit careless, so it couldn't be for real.

Anyways, after a few weeks of flirting and a little resisting, I decided to give in to his advances by... I know this sound bad, but I told him I had some little expenses that I needed to take care of that my husband didn’t support. Needless to say, he came to my aid without question. After that, every week he would check on me to make sure I was "straight" and started leaving little gifts at my desk for me. Initially I returned them, but after he kept insisting that I accept his gifts, I stopped returning them. All the while I had still been telling him that I was not interested in him beyond our existing relationship—manager/staff.

My husband has no idea about what's been going on at my job and I do a real good job at concealing the gifts. In my mind it did feel like cheating, but since he was satisfied with just giving me things and there was nothing physical going on I kept it going. Here's where everything gets real intense and scary.

I travel for my job, and of course, my boss arranges these trips. One day he asked me if I'd like for him to accompany me on this latest trip, of course I'm thinking he's trying to get the goods. So I told him my husband was on vacation and would be travelling with me (a lie) and that foiled his plans. Upon my return, the man cornered me in his office and got real touchy-feely—it felt as though he was going to rape me right there in his office!

I was shaking because I was shocked that he would come at me like that. I slapped him twice, but the weirdest thing was his reaction. He tried to HOLD me, like, give me an awkward hug and told me to calm down, like, "Don't walk out there yet." I stormed out of his office and got my things from my desk and left. I didn't return for two days; I was embarrassed, angry, confused. I'm still wondering if I should report this as sexual harassment, but my conflict is I feel like I led him on.

Since I've been back in office he avoids my area. He's apologized profusely through text message, through my co-workers indirectly by having them tell me that he's treating "us" to lunch or he wants to take "us" out for a social, which is something he rarely does. I want to tell my husband but I'm afraid of what the outcome will be. I'm even considering transferring or resigning altogether. I feel real uncomfortable when he's in the office, and like I said, he's been avoiding me, but we have had to discuss a report one on one the other day and because I refused to look at him he started apologizing again.

His words: "I'm sorry I let myself get carried away, but I didn't think you would be offended. I hope you wouldn't let that misunderstanding affect our friendship," at that point I just left him sitting at my desk. I feel as though I've done wrong, therefore a wrong was done to me. I don't think I'll report him, I don't want to deal with that at all, I don't know how I'm going to continue working in his department though. I feel like I'm at an impasse and I'm afraid to share this with anyone else. Please, tell me I'm not blowing this out of proportion).

Dear Gifted Girl,

First things first, you've appeared to have gotten yourself in quite a pickle. You should have just nipped this in the bud right from the start. Instead, you kinda-sorta brushed it off, which is fine to a certain degree if you didn't want to make things awkward in the office but when he continued to flirt with you that's when it should have been made clear and direct: "I love my husband and you have a wife, besides that there is no attraction to you on my part whatsoever so cease and desist before I'm forced to get HR involved." That right there should have been the end of it.

Where you messed up at is not only failing to not do the above but also by accepting his gifts and "giving in" as you say. That right there is nothing but mixed signals. That leads him to believe, "She says she doesn't want me but she's taking my gifts, so she must really want me so let me go harder to persuade her." That’s the complete opposite result of what you say you want. So when you turn around and continue to shrug him off months later that's just going to get him confused and upset for getting played (in his mind).

Of course he came to your aide, as a man of power money probably equals automatic booty in his world and you're leading him on by accepting help with "things your husband doesn't support." In a nutshell you never should have taken any gifts or money from another man you're not married or related to unless you have plans to pay it back. Even then it’s still suspect.

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Tagged as: boss, dear nwso, sexual harassment

http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

The thing about situations like this is that there's always gonna be 3 sides to the story: her, his, and the truth somewhere in the middle. I doubt that the version of events we got here was the truth. If she really didn't wanna lead him on, she wouldn't have accepted any of those gifts (especially after he made it clear what his intentions were), she never would've flirted back, and she definitely never would have came at him about needing money (big mutha-effin red flag). If she thought she was gonna be slick and use dude for what he was willing to give up then she shouldn't act like she doesn't know the rules of engagement.
Yeah, Im that guy

This subject is a great debate for my female friends and I. My issue is, its harassment when the party is not into the one who's making the advancements. Like any social setting if someone steps up to you be it rude or charmingly but you are not feeling them, but they insist and persist to get to know them. If you are not into them, you would feel bothered and harassed by them.

My thing is, if you are feeling someone and the say or make moves in pretty much the same way another did. You'd certainly entertain the idea. You wouldn't go running off to your friends or the bouncer to the rescue. Same in the office space, you wouldn't be running off to HR to handle it. In fact , I've witnessed plenty of times where even if nothing IS going on after work or after hours. The flirtation can go one for years, like, "Oh that's my work husband/boyfriend"

Sexual harassment is seen as across the board wrong. Its straight black n white with no greys. So when the same hotness in the office passes one cubicle with disgust and then passes yet another cubi. and this time with a smile that has sexual undertones. Where then does this round peg fit into a square hole?

Beautifulstarz2002

I totally agree with what yeah, i'm that guy said. I would have immediately involved HR and let my husband know what was going on. Not to get my husband involved but to let him know what's going on and actually he'd probably tell you to involve HR and if they seem like they couldn't or can't resolve the situation them transfer and change your number since you've stated that he apologizes through texts as well. I would hope your husband would support and not attack you even if you did accept "gifts". Just make sure that you no longer accept anything from any co-worker. Get a second job if you need monies for things your husband refuses to support. was that really the truth or was that a lie. Because most husbands at least mines will tell you why he won't be supportive of things I want.
Beautifulstarz2002

I totally agree with what yeah, i'm that guy said. I would have immediately involved HR and let my husband know what was going on. Not to get my husband involved but to let him know what's going on and actually he'd probably tell you to involve HR and if they seem like they couldn't or can't resolve the situation them transfer and change your number since you've stated that he apologizes through texts as well. I would hope your husband would support and not attack you even if you did accept "gifts". Just make sure that you no longer accept anything from any co-worker. Get a second job if you need monies for things your husband refuses to support. was that really the truth or was that a lie. Because most husbands at least mines will tell you why he won't be supportive of things I want.

Tipster

She knew what she was doing. That man called himself courting her. Then when its time to reciprocate she looking like boo boo the fool. She is a grown woman. How are going to play with fire and be apalled when you get burned. "child please" in my ocho cinco voice.
http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com/ southernpoise

This has ‘dumbasseness’ written all over it. It’s one thing to have him coming on to you, and you not WANTING or LIKING it. But after accepting gifts, and exchanging some flirtation… cause believe me, if there was no reciprocating on YOUR part, he would know you weren’t interested; at that point, you became responsible for YOUR own actions. Boss or no boss, there had to be some interest other than the fact that he was your boss, to even make you want to ‘flirt’ with danger. Authority or no authority, if you are married and love your husband, as NWSO said, you would have made this clear a long time ago. From the moment the first gift was given, and there after.
Yes you were cornered, then ‘shit got real’. You do have a right to not be harassed at work. You gave up that right when you decided to continue to flirt and accept his gifts. In no way am I condoning his behavior, because no man or person has a right to force themselves on anyone, even if the person ‘secretly’ wants it. Until they say YES, that’s called rape buddy. If he came at you, and you said ‘No’ or ‘Stop’, and he continued, he then crossed the line. In turn, I believe at this point, it seems whatever happened, happened because you succumb to his original advances, in a way, by continuing to entertain him. So, NO, I don't believe you should report his behavior to HR when you were a contributing factor in this 'bed of harrassment' you now have to lie in. If it's over NOW, what's the point. he raped you, that would be a different issue. But you will be hard pressed to explain why you continued to except gives from a married man, and you're married too.
I believe you need to find a way to deal with your own issues of feeling guilty because you lead him on. That is the only thing you're feeling now. It's not because he 'touched' you. But because you knew from the jump what he wanted, and you lead him there.

Glendon Cameron

"You do have a right to not be harassed at work. You gave up that right when you decided to continue to flirt and accept his gifts" there it is right there!!! Woman up!!!

http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com/ southernpoise

This has ‘dumbasseness’ written all over it. It’s one thing to have him coming on to you, and you not WANTING or LIKING it. But after accepting gifts, and exchanging some flirtation… cause believe me, if there was no reciprocating on YOUR part, he would know you weren’t interested; at that point, you became responsible for YOUR own actions. Boss or no boss, there had to be some interest other than the fact that he was your boss, to even make you want to ‘flirt’ with danger. Authority or no authority, if you are married and love your husband, as NWSO said, you would have made this clear a long time ago. From the moment the first gift was given, and there after.
Yes you were cornered, then ‘shit got real’. You do have a right to not be harassed at work. You gave up that right when you decided to continue to flirt and accept his gifts. In no way am I condoning his behavior, because no man or person has a right to force themselves on anyone, even if the person ‘secretly’ wants it. Until they say YES, that’s called rape buddy. If he came at you, and you said ‘No’ or ‘Stop’, and he continued, he then crossed the line. In turn, I believe at this point, it seems whatever happened, happened because you succumb to his original advances, in a way, by continuing to entertain him. So, NO, I don't believe you should report his behavior to HR when you were a contributing factor in this 'bed of harrassment' you now have to lie in. If it's over NOW, what's the point. he raped you, that would be a different issue. But you will be hard pressed to explain why you continued to except gives from a married man, and you're married too.
I believe you need to find a way to deal with your own issues of feeling guilty because you lead him on. That is the only thing you're feeling now. It's not because he 'touched' you. But because you knew from the jump what he wanted, and you lead him there.
Jennifer Hill

Southern poise thank you for writing my thoughts. It really bothers me when people want to play victim even though they know they were wrong. Pick up your face and keep it moving.

http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com/ southernpoise

I know right. At some point, women have to realize, we have the power. Period. Now, he has authority over her as her boss. But let's be for real, she has the 'money maker'. She can pick and chose when to release her ‘pay check’. She chose to cash in, on his ‘advances’. Now she wants to cut off his DIVIDENDS. LOL ok, I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. I was on a roll. But seriously, women do need to take responsibility for their feminine wilds, people for that matter. You can’t feed on someone’s advances and then say I was just playin when it gets serious. Just not right.

Jennifer Hill

Southern poise thank you for writing my thoughts. It really bothers me when people want to play victim even though they know they were wrong. Pick up your face and keep it moving.
Osirius

Women don't have guy friends. Let's just keep it 100%. Rarely will a guy carry out conversations and go the extra mile for a woman he finds attractive and pass up a chance to sleep with her if the opportunity presented itself. Harassment at the job is never cool, so he was in the wrong for stepping to you like that, but can't play victim here either.You knew from the jump what was good and thought you could turn him into a financier who would always fall for your excuses so you'd never make a return on his investment?
You're not that slick. No one is. Everyone wakes up eventually and reacts when they've been deceived or think they have.Also you've got to start thinking longer term. This could have ended with your boss raping you or going further. Your husband could straight up leave you over this. You could be out of a job.Wise Up.
Glendon Cameron

(Sniff sniff) can you smell it ?

Some straight bullshit! On the " I have some expenses line", she put a price on the booty and he anted up the funds. What went down here was an implied agreement that she made while wearing her little girl panties. When the big bag wolf wanted to taste the apple she got weird, she tried to play him and played herself. I agree with the first post there is lot going on here that was not said. She either needs to give it up and stop playing games or completely nip it in the bud and move on. Based on her admitted actions, she was trying to get something, either dude was too old or not attractive enough ( fatherly said it all) if he was fine, we would not be reading this. She was wrong , he was wrong, it takes two to tango!

http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com/ southernpoise

" if he was fine, we would not be reading this. She was wrong , he was wrong, it takes two to tango"

I was thinking the same exact thing..

2 things might have happened if he was ‘fine.’ If she really loves her husband, she would have immediately stopped his advances, because she would be in jeopardy of ACTUALLY going through with it. Or she woulda did the dirty deed, in which it’s no longer sexual harassment, now an office fling. Which either, this letter would have never reached NWSO, or would have been completely different question. Like, "I 'EFF'd up, what do I do now. Do I tell my husband, or keep bangin my boss fo benefits?"

Glendon Cameron

Yep, I worked with a woman who was approached by her boss who was built like the old Fresh Prince dad, she shut it down immediately!!! I overheard her say, " there is no way in hell, I am letting all of that one me!"

Nada about his wife or her husband. I asked if he was built would she let him tap it " of course I ain't stupid.....there is too much going on in her email. I have been attracted to other people while in a relationship, I just stayed away from them, it ain't that hard to avoid trouble. She was clearly temped.

http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com/ southernpoise

EXACTLY!

da ThRONe

I'm just glad this woman isn't my wife.
SassyNOLa

I was sexually harassed at work. I did eventually report him to HR, but folks saying they'd go directly to HR are either really fired up when writing these comments or incredibly stupid/inept with office politics. HR is not there to protect YOU; HR's function is to protect the company from YOU and your potential lawsuits. She states that this guy is high up in the company; this means he probably has a direct feed into HR (meaning they would alert him if she said anything and guide him through dealing with her) and he is worth more to the company than she is. Filing a sexual harassment claim with HR isn't some casual shit for a quick fix- it stays in the person's personnel file FOREVER. Now, in this situation should she have gone to HR? Absolutely after the physical contact. Before that, she should have managed his behavior better by being direct and cold whenever he became flirtatious. All this GO DIRECTLY TO HR at the first sign of anything is crazy- the best skill you will ever learn is how to manage your manager. Get on it.
SassyNOLa

I was sexually harassed at work. I did eventually report him to HR, but folks saying they'd go directly to HR are either really fired up when writing these comments or incredibly stupid/inept with office politics. HR is not there to protect YOU; HR's function is to protect the company from YOU and your potential lawsuits. She states that this guy is high up in the company; this means he probably has a direct feed into HR (meaning they would alert him if she said anything and guide him through dealing with her) and he is worth more to the company than she is. Filing a sexual harassment claim with HR isn't some casual shit for a quick fix- it stays in the person's personnel file FOREVER. Now, in this situation should she have gone to HR? Absolutely after the physical contact. Before that, she should have managed his behavior better by being direct and cold whenever he became flirtatious. All this GO DIRECTLY TO HR at the first sign of anything is crazy- the best skill you will ever learn is how to manage your manager. Get on it.
Rastaman

"Trickin ain't easy"
Ole girl thought she could get over on her boss because he was feeling her under the guise that he would be too scared to call in his chips. She miscalculated and now she is panicking because she knows she has incriminated herself by never reporting his advances when they happened to other co-workers, HR or her husband.   You see the key to making charges about workplace harassment is to document them when and where they happened either by keeping a record yourself or reporting it to colleagues, friends or family. She did neither.

She has further compounded the situation by accepting gifts that she knows were intended as special favors. Unless he was giving gifts to all his other subordinates then she is receiving special favors.   Now she is call to account she wants help out of a mess you are complicit in?

There is probably some ignorance at work here but there is also some attempt to get over and that is why she is not a victim.   You know what was going down was not right but you still went along with it.   Silence is acceptance!
Rastaman

"Trickin ain't easy"
Ole girl thought she could get over on her boss because he was feeling her under the guise that he would be too scared to call in his chips. She miscalculated and now she is panicking because she knows she has incriminated herself by never reporting his advances when they happened to other co-workers, HR or her husband.   You see the key to making charges about workplace harassment is to document them when and where they happened either by keeping a record yourself or reporting it to colleagues, friends or family. She did neither.

She has further compounded the situation by accepting gifts that she knows were intended as special favors. Unless he was giving gifts to all his other subordinates then she is receiving special favors.   Now she is call to account she wants help out of a mess you are complicit in?

There is probably some ignorance at work here but there is also some attempt to get over and that is why she is not a victim.   You know what was going down was not right but you still went along with it.   Silence is acceptance!
Black_Orchid70

In the words of my all wise late grandmother, " He called her hand." And that doesn't take just whipping out your special parts for the world to see. In his stages of conquest, he'd arrived at "get my hands on her & move to the next level."

Meh, silly gal best run. Beyond the obvious ( work trauma, stress from hiding the madness from her husband), she's in for a stretch of emotional trauma within herself that she hasn't conceived unless she cuts this fling/gold digging/attention whoring from boss man off and deal with her deeper issues & insecurities.
Anonymous

Agree with whomever said:

"Glad she's not my wife."

She's trifling and yeah it's a pretty sure bet she's not telling the whole truth. Or maybe she is really good-hearted and just messed up.

Nah, its the former.