Does Being Friends With Benefits Ever Work?

Dear NWSO,

I've been an avid Sock Head for a little while now and I love reading the feedback that you and the other guests give on the blog. So I was hoping that I might get a little insight from those a little more mature than I.

I'm a 20-year-old college senior and I have someone I consider a close male friend (22) that I've known for a while. We began our friendship my sophomore year when we were at two different schools. We knew each other from working together during the summer and we used to text and talk back and forth. It progressed during the school year to where we texted or talked everyday and hung out frequently during school breaks. He met my parents and I met his and once I transferred schools closer to home, we were inseparable, despite the fact that he was in a relationship.

We had never been sexual with each other, but we didn't deny carrying sexual tension between us for two years and when his relationship ended, months later we finally decided to explore it. We both enjoyed ourselves and decided that with boundaries (no arguing, no romantic pretense, etc.) that we could continue having sex as long as it remained light and fun for both of us. But since those rules were put down, all we do is argue about it.

At one point during this month he decided that he no longer wanted to have sex because he believed I had feelings for him and didn't want to lead me on. I told him that I had love for him, but wasn't in love with him but that we could stop if he couldn't get past the feeling. Two days later he asked if we could start up again and we did. But lately I've been getting irritated with the situation because though it was agreed upon, I still feel like he's putting a lot of pretense into the situation. He cuddles me, calls me pet names, tries to hand feed me things in public (which I hate!), and always asks to come hang with me, but wants to just talk or watch a movie and cuddle. He never wants to have sex anymore.

When I asked him about it, he said that he doesn’t like that our friendship is all about sex, and that I want it all the time. He also says, that it bothers him that we haven't had one encounter since starting our FWB [friends with benefits] that we've been together and not had sex. But isn't that what he asked for?

I've heard that you should always trust that when a man says he isn't into you, he's probably telling the truth. Yet I also hear that actions speak louder than words. I get annoyed with him because I don't feel as though he's consistent with his actions and words. I feel as though we're in a relationship, but he says that he's just sexually attracted and views me as like a little sister, but that he doesn't feel anything for me romantically. But I feel as though if that’s true, he should take every semblance of romance out of our friendship so no one's feelings get hurt. Am I reading too much into the situation?

In a nutshell, once a man and woman cross that line it's hard as hell to turn things back to how they were. There's something that happens once two people share each other's bodies that makes things more emotional and if the sexual tension was all that was really there the friendship is definitely going to suffer as a result and is usually ruined forever.

In your case, you both were curious about each other and took that leap of lust, banking on the agreement that it'd be strictly friends with benefits. That always sounds nice in theory but it never fails that someone eventually catches feelings or at the very least throws out mixed signals. Most times it's the woman in the situation but in this case it looks like it’s the guy.

Maybe he's just the relationship type and even when he's just "fooling around" he acts like a dude that's in a relationship. I've been that dude before where I cuddled and hung out outside of the bedroom (dates, etc.) because that's just my nature but even though my actions may have seemed conflicting to the woman I always stood by what I said. If I said I didn't want a relationship that's basically what I meant. #EndOfStory

Unfortunately, this isn't the kind of guy you're dealing with. He's wishy-washy and emotional. While it's noble of him to say he decided that he no longer wanted to have sex because he believed you had feelings for him and didn't want to lead you on, it sounds more like he's the one catching feelings and trying to passing them off as it being all on you.

On top of that dude's a walking contradiction. He says that he's just sexually attracted to you and views you like a "little sister," so he doesn't feel anything for you "romantically." WTH! If that were true he wouldn't be sleeping with you because having any kind of "sexual attraction" doesn't fit under my umbrella of a woman I consider my "little sister." Not unless his family gets down like that and if that's the case you got a whole other issue to deal with. But I imagine that's not the case. Still, that doesn't change the fact that he's saying a bunch of contradictory things.

I do agree that you should always trust that when a man says he’s not into you, he's probably telling the truth. Like I mentioned earlier my actions in the past might have contradicted that but I always feel back on that. See, (most) men are able to detach emotion from everyday life—especially sex. It's an act, plain and simple. Emotions are secondary for (most) men. This dude, however, appears to be an exception where his actions, behavior and everything is displaying that he's lying to you and himself if he believes he's not getting real emo.

While this may be another contradiction, in this case it may apply that actions speak louder than words. Cause he's saying how he only wants a jump-off situation but trying to do all the "boo" stuff. He needs to pick a side and roll with it. Actually, forget that. You shouldn’t give him any more power in the situation. You don't have to wait for him to pick a side. You're a grown woman and if this wishy-washy stuff is irritating you and you don't feeling the way things are going, you can cut the pucci strings. Plain and simple.

He says he's mad the friendship is all about sex, cool, just stop having sex with him then. I'm sure you can easily find a new partner if you want less drama-filled penis. He doesn’t have you under contract. Even if there was some unwritten booty contract between y'all I'm sure it'd be null and void because he's breached the original agreement. It was supposed to be sex with no strings attached and now he trying to treat you like Pinocchio. I say if he can't play by the rules that make you comfortable end it before he gets hurt (or you) and you still have time to salvage the friendship.

Good luck.

Do you think the guy in this scenario is being too emotional? Or, is he really trying to protect her feelings? Is it wrong for someone to cuddle and do relationship-like things with someone they say they don’t want to be with romantically? Do you think actions speak louder than words? Are you able to have a sexual relationship where there are no emotions involved? Do you think being friends with benefits can ever work? If so, what can make it work? What additional advice would you give this letter writer?

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