Why Don’t More Women Get Married Before Having Kids?

0 Posted by - August 30, 2011 - Why I Got Married

I know it’s #WetWednesdays and I’ve left you on a cliffhanger for two weeks but I took a much-needed vacation out of the country that got extended two extra days due to Hurricane Irene. #ImOkay Three flights and 24-hours later I just got back in to town/country yesterday and have serious jetlag and work in the morning so hopefully y’all can understand if I need a minute to get back on the blogging track.

WORDS BY TAIIA

After Beyoncé’s now famous “Love on Top” VMA performance on Sunday night—where she closed the set by dropping the mic and lovingly rubbed her pregnant belly—Twitter went slightly cray-cray. It was to be expected, no? BeyJay stans had waited for that moment.

Jay-Z supported his lady wife as she made career moves and he waited for that moment. But it’s what happened after that made-for-MTV moment that grabbed my attention. Let’s refer to it as: The Tweet Heard ’Round the World:

Beyoncé dated, got married and THEN got pregnant…Ladies take notes about the order.

Whoa.

I’m not sure who authored this tweet nor does that even matter at this point. But the retweeting and the responses were hard to ignore. Twitter comments ranged from (and I’m paraphrasing): “Let the church say amen” to “f*ck the order” to “damn, I guess every n*gga gone tweet this” to “word, get it right b*ches.”

Single moms (read: BABY MAMAS) were being attacked.

Women’s choices were given a collective *side eye.*

Men’s smash and dash behavior was ignored—as usual—as if women can impregnate themselves. (Not all men are like this. Trust, I know. I have a father, husband, brother, cousins and friends. And yes, I have eyes. I see my heroes in 3D.)

And there were a whole lotta assumptions made about “the right” way to do things.

Full Disclosure (Pt. 1):

  1. I’ve been married 14 years. One kid. Conceived in wedlock.
  2. I was raised by a single mom, who got married, divorced and became a single mom (all over again).
  3. I believe a two-parent household is still the trendiest accessory on the market, BUT…well, more on that later.

For all those wagging judgmental fingers at single moms and pretending that men don’t have a significant role in “the order” or the “right way,” just realize that relationships are complex. There isn’t a cookie cutter solution to relationships, babies and marriages. This is why some couples head for the altar, while others lead to the delivery room.

What’s lacking here is a blueprint, a plan, a clue.

Wait. Back up, how about we kick this thing off with something oh, so sexy…like a conversation? How about we discuss if the relationship is headed toward marriage (or simply a carriage) BEFORE the purple plus sign on the EPT pregnancy test reads positive?

“The right” way to create a family structure is debatable under review in 2011, especially when:

  1. Some men (and women) think marriage is for White people.
  2. Some couples remove marriage from their list of options because they swear it doesn’t work.
  3. Some of us have attended more baby showers than weddings and this has become the new normal.
  4. Some of us forgot to raise our boys to be more than just baby makers.
  5. Some of us would like to be mothers and don’t want to/need to/aren’t interested in/or are just tired of waiting years for our men to ask those four big-little words: Will. You. Marry. Me? to cure our maternal Jones.

Full disclosure (Pt. 2):

1. I love, love. Not the stuff of romantic comedies. I’m talking about the let’s-build-n-grow-together type of love with the person who’s good TO YOU and good FOR YOU. #thelovemovement

2. I don’t romanticize marriage. Sometimes it doesn’t work. BUT sometimes, it does. Building a life with someone requires the following… (this is the short list):

  • Compromise
  • Faith
  • Selflessness
  • Awareness
  • Fearlessness
  • Trust
  • Love
  • Good old-fashioned GUTS.

3. I believe a two-parent household is still the trendiest accessory on the market, BUT I know that wonderful human beings are raised by single moms. I RESPECT and SALUTE them.

If we’re really interested in following Beyoncé and Jay’s path, I’m going to need a second Tweet Heard ’Round The World, something to the tune of:

Many women prefer to date, marry and THEN have babies. Fellas, y’all take notes about the order.

Do you feel that people should ideally have children only in a marriage? What if it’s a committed relationship? How often do you consider whether or not the people you choose to sleep with are parent material? Do you have more respect for women that wait until marriage to have kids? Does it even matter if the marriage ends in divorce? Do you feel that “baby mamas” are always under attack? Why do the “baby daddies” tend to get off the hook? Is there a difference between a baby mama and a single mother? Are two-parent households more important than a marriage? Do you attend more baby showers than weddings? Are you excited about Beyoncé’s pregnancy or could you care less?

Speak your piece…

  • CaliDreaming86

    For some of the same reasons more MEN don’t.

  • Go1

    Seems that the question can also be posed to men.

  • Paulette_bajan_gal

    I was married when I had my daughter …she was planned down to the last minute detail.The marriage didn’t work out and we’re co-parenting now.So really …you can plan all you wanna plan.shit happens.

    And yeah …a woman doesn’t get pregnant by herself so divide the blame in 2.He got her pregnant before he married her.But my parents were never married and it was a good thing.can’t even imagine them together.lol.If marriage was necessary to make babies this would be a really, really small world.I’m betting more babies come out of unwedded orgasms than wedded orgasms.

  • http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

    Ugh, this is an argument i truly despise. I look at it like this: we’re taught that men are the leaders of our society. So why is it that we expect the women to be the ones to take responsibility and set the example/standard for every damn thing?!? And it pisses me off to no end when its other dumb chicks who make these statements.

    At the end of the day, both man and woman need to take responsibility for their actions and choices. And while i don’t think i’d ever want to bring a child in this world without a husband (if i ever decide to bring a child into this world at all), i know that $#it happens. I don’t know too many chicks that go around saying to themselves, “hmmm im bored, i think i’ll go let Ray-Ray knock me up today”!

  • http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

    Ugh, this is an argument i truly despise. I look at it like this: we’re taught that men are the leaders of our society. So why is it that we expect the women to be the ones to take responsibility and set the example/standard for every damn thing?!? And it pisses me off to no end when its other dumb chicks who make these statements.

    At the end of the day, both man and woman need to take responsibility for their actions and choices. And while i don’t think i’d ever want to bring a child in this world without a husband (if i ever decide to bring a child into this world at all), i know that $#it happens. I don’t know too many chicks that go around saying to themselves, “hmmm im bored, i think i’ll go let Ray-Ray knock me up today”!

  • http://www.imperfectenjoyment.com Dewan Gibson

    The bigger issue is that many women, whether married or single, should do a better job of choosing a partner and father for their children. For the most part sorry ass guys make themselves known very early on. But a lot women will still have unprotected sex with them and complain about when he doesn’t do his part. You really didn’t see that from the start? Again, that’s the issue. Choose a good partner, even if you never get married. 

    • 4L

      some people just start f’in up when shit gets too real for them. I know people with great significant others before
      baby, but after….. you can probably get the point.

      *Sorry for any typos…I’m on my phone

    • 4L

      some people just start f’in up when shit gets too real for them. I know people with great significant others before
      baby, but after….. you can probably get the point.

      *Sorry for any typos…I’m on my phone

    • Lady Day

      I agree, but men sometimes fall into the same category. Men are just as responsible for where their sperm ends up! My mom always told me, “just ’cause you had sex doesn’t mean you have to have a baby!”

    • Osirius

      True spit. women are the ones ultimately choose to do what they want with us as men. We can only campaign to get elected and inspire them to let us do certain things.

      not saying men are not responsible in creating children. I’m just saying, women who are having kids out of wedlock are spreading their legs open without protection and she’s choosing to let that guy enter her.

  • Lana

    I saw the twitter comment as well and couldnt help but wonder how did a celebratory moment turn into a slight jab at single mothers??? Nuclear family arent necessarily a reprensentation of the black family these days so I understand the admiration of a black couple who dated, married and then had children. But I feel that single mothers seem to have to carry more shame for getting pregnant out of wedlock than the man that got them pregnant. Women have to start requiring men to make a committment before marrying and having kids or at least make sure they are using condoms and some other form of birth control but men have to step up and decide if they want to make that
    committment or be straight foward about what they really want and use a condom. And also I am tired of people using celebrity couples as a platform for people to base their relationships on I realize they have power to influence people but whatever they do right or wrong in their relationship will not affect your relationship.

  • Storyofawoman

    Wow, I have so much to say on the subject I don’t know where to begin…..First of all, I think we need to acknowledge the fact that our culture currently puts the responsibility of children on women (go into any Target or Walmart and notice that the location of the condoms are near the pharmacy in the same aisle as the tampons and Vagisil).  We are slowly moving away from that and men are stepping up to the plate to being more involved and hand-on parents.  I also think the issue is not so much as having children before marriage, it’s having children at such young ages. Most people are starting their families like me, at the age of 19-20.  This may not always denote teenage sex, but it does denote some ignorance and young people not having the support they need to delay pregnancy and/or marriage until later.

    I also want to point out that the Baby Momma vs.Baby Daddy dynamic is iconic and needs to be resolved.  People feel like they have to be at odds with each other after a break up; you ex is now your enemy and all the issues that happened in the relationship gets in the way for both parents to simply parent.  There are not enough examples on where this is the case.  I think people need to let up a little on the “Baby Momma,” cause not many women actually want to be that or be referred to that.  

    • Calidreaming86

      Your comment brings me to my disgust with rapper Bow Wow and how in his ‘music’ now he raps about ‘baby momma drama’ These guys walk around thinking that ‘baby momma drama’ is a badge of honor. A few weeks ago I heard a young girl tell her male friend how she was going to tell everyone about how he stated that he doesn’t like his daughter. I always hear men/boys talk about how they don’t want a ‘crazy baby mother’ or that ‘females are crazy’, but yet they are still trying to pick up women by any means like, following women in their cars while she walks, begging for a phone number and just overall approaching any woman they see and asking for a relationship before they even know her name.

  • Jason Howe

    Damn you ask a lot of questions, lol

    OK, from a male, here goes…

    1. Yes, marriage should still be what
    is striven for…. 2. Committed relationships are great, but why not marry the
    person… 3. I consider it every time I am in the act, and as I have gotten older
    I have become more selective… 4. Yes (male or female, they show a discipline I
    don’t have)… 5. Nope, at least you tried to do it the right way… 6. Yes, because
    they allow themselves to be baby mommas. The term alone conjures up images of
    some used goods… 7. They don’t tend to get off the hook, they just have the
    option of not being around so they are not the ones seen pushing the stroller,
    with two more ducklings following behind while their ring finger remains empty…
    8. Big difference, single mother makes me imagine a woman who made a mistake
    with some dude but she is still pushing to get the most out of life. Baby Momma
    I think of some ghetto chick that is cool that he smashes other broads cause at
    least she has a child for him J…
    9. Yes, if its an either or… yes, give the child a two parent household… 10.
    Yes, I see a lot more baby showers then weddings, sad shit… 11. Not excited,
    but I hope some females see the way she went about it and see it as the right
    way…

  • Tea

    Great post! I agree…there is a double standard and it is ridiculous. How in the world were several people so quick to take a happy moment for BeyJay and make it about all other women doing something wrong AGAIN.

    Alone, we are to blame when the order isn’t traditionally “right.”  As if that’s what we all sit around daydreaming about and desiring is “out-of-order” dating, marriage, baby-creations. Us alone…as if men are dying  to do things traditionally nowadays.

    I love the reply tweet

    Many women prefer to date, marry and THEN have babies. Fellas, y’all take notes about the order.”

    Thanks for the post.

  • http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com/ southernpoise

    Do you feel that people should ideally have children only in a marriage? What if it’s a committed relationship?
    I feel it’s better for the child in the long run to be born in a marriage, the ultimate commitment.  A “committed relationship”, still has no REAL strings attached. Statistics show children in 2 parent home function better in society than single parent homes. Although marriages sometimes fail, it’s more likely you will work at a marriage than a committed relationship, thus a better chance of staying together longer, hopefully for life, to build a overrall better foundation for your child.

     How often do you consider whether or not the people you choose to sleep with are parent material? Honestly, probably not as much as I should. Well, that is, in the past. Don’t have to worry much about that NOW… factory is closed. Lol.

    Do you have more respect for women that wait until marriage to have kids? Does it even matter if the marriage ends in divorce?
    I do respect a woman who waits til after marriage to have kids. It’s refreshing to see the “correct order of events”.  I’m not saying I respect her more or less than someone who didn’t wait.  It’s just the way it should be, as the tradition and “bible” goes.  Wish I had of waited. I had 1 child prior to marriage, 2 after marriage. My first was not my husband’s. We did end in divorce, not messy, but divorce nonetheless. He’s still much apart of my children’s lives, as much as he can be 1000 miles away. We live in 2 different states, my choice, I left.  It hasn’t been easy for me being a single mom of 3, but my children didn’t/don’t have a rough life, and they are well rounded, great kids, no real issues.  But I know things would have been a lot different for them, had we remained together, if we could have worked out our differences.

    Do you feel that “baby mamas” are always under attack? Is there a difference between a baby mama and a single mother?
    I’d like to think there is a difference between babymama and single mother, in name alone, the fact is they are both single. The difference is the concept. That babymama’s have no real commitment to the “babydaddy”, and most times end up without any commitment at all, which any follow up relationships, could lead to other “babydaddies”.  Notagood look.  I feared that myself being a “babymama” with my first child. I did end up with 2 different “fathers” for my 3 children, but I ended up married before I had other children after my first. Not to say I’m better in anyway. But societal thinking and to the bible toting congregation I’m “better off” because I married. Even though I’m now divorced, and no longer with my children’s father, I don’t see myself as a “babymama”. I consider myself a single mother. 2 of my children were born into a marriage not a single state. My son, who was 5 months prior to meeting my soon to be husband at the time, grew up in that marriage, and since 5 months old, my husband was and still is his “father/daddy”.  If you want to call me “babymama” because of my son, well I’ll take that, since his sperm donor and I didn’t make it pass my 5 month pregnancy. But I consider myself a single mom.  

     If I remarried and could have more children, would I see myself different with 3 different fathers just because I got married?(my own question)  I don’t know if it really is any different, than a single woman never married and 3 babydaddy’s.  My cousin had 3 kids, 3 different men, 2 marriages. Maybe it’s the number of men that matters. You decide.
     
    Why do the “baby daddies” tend to get off the hook? Society expects “a man to be a man”, and woman to be smart. Athough there is obviously 2 involved in the “sinful” deed, it’s the woman who carries the burden, LITERALLY, carries the child. So she’s the one that suffers the attack. Mama’s baby, daddy’s maybe(cause he doesn’t have a child on his hip all the time).  And then if you see him with his child, he’s getting praise  for being a “good dad”. WTF? 

    • http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com/ southernpoise

      My bad Ans… I wrote another book on your post lol.

  • http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com/ southernpoise

    Do you feel that people should ideally have children only in a marriage? What if it’s a committed relationship?
    I feel it’s better for the child in the long run to be born in a marriage, the ultimate commitment.  A “committed relationship”, still has no REAL strings attached. Statistics show children in 2 parent home function better in society than single parent homes. Although marriages sometimes fail, it’s more likely you will work at a marriage than a committed relationship, thus a better chance of staying together longer, hopefully for life, to build a overrall better foundation for your child.

     How often do you consider whether or not the people you choose to sleep with are parent material? Honestly, probably not as much as I should. Well, that is, in the past. Don’t have to worry much about that NOW… factory is closed. Lol.

    Do you have more respect for women that wait until marriage to have kids? Does it even matter if the marriage ends in divorce?
    I do respect a woman who waits til after marriage to have kids. It’s refreshing to see the “correct order of events”.  I’m not saying I respect her more or less than someone who didn’t wait.  It’s just the way it should be, as the tradition and “bible” goes.  Wish I had of waited. I had 1 child prior to marriage, 2 after marriage. My first was not my husband’s. We did end in divorce, not messy, but divorce nonetheless. He’s still much apart of my children’s lives, as much as he can be 1000 miles away. We live in 2 different states, my choice, I left.  It hasn’t been easy for me being a single mom of 3, but my children didn’t/don’t have a rough life, and they are well rounded, great kids, no real issues.  But I know things would have been a lot different for them, had we remained together, if we could have worked out our differences.

    Do you feel that “baby mamas” are always under attack? Is there a difference between a baby mama and a single mother?
    I’d like to think there is a difference between babymama and single mother, in name alone, the fact is they are both single. The difference is the concept. That babymama’s have no real commitment to the “babydaddy”, and most times end up without any commitment at all, which any follow up relationships, could lead to other “babydaddies”.  Notagood look.  I feared that myself being a “babymama” with my first child. I did end up with 2 different “fathers” for my 3 children, but I ended up married before I had other children after my first. Not to say I’m better in anyway. But societal thinking and to the bible toting congregation I’m “better off” because I married. Even though I’m now divorced, and no longer with my children’s father, I don’t see myself as a “babymama”. I consider myself a single mother. 2 of my children were born into a marriage not a single state. My son, who was 5 months prior to meeting my soon to be husband at the time, grew up in that marriage, and since 5 months old, my husband was and still is his “father/daddy”.  If you want to call me “babymama” because of my son, well I’ll take that, since his sperm donor and I didn’t make it pass my 5 month pregnancy. But I consider myself a single mom.  

     If I remarried and could have more children, would I see myself different with 3 different fathers just because I got married?(my own question)  I don’t know if it really is any different, than a single woman never married and 3 babydaddy’s.  My cousin had 3 kids, 3 different men, 2 marriages. Maybe it’s the number of men that matters. You decide.
     
    Why do the “baby daddies” tend to get off the hook? Society expects “a man to be a man”, and woman to be smart. Athough there is obviously 2 involved in the “sinful” deed, it’s the woman who carries the burden, LITERALLY, carries the child. So she’s the one that suffers the attack. Mama’s baby, daddy’s maybe(cause he doesn’t have a child on his hip all the time).  And then if you see him with his child, he’s getting praise  for being a “good dad”. WTF? 

  • ChloeRayne516

    I’m not about to stand on my soapbox and say what’s right and wrong BUT I will only say what I LIKE for myself…  Horse before the cart  (marriage then kids) NOT the other way around and that is exactly how I did it and the reason being because I was brought up that way I was raised in a 2 parent household so that was the norm to me although I saw alot of my peers doing it the other way around.

    To each his own though.

    • Calidreaming86

      Or HER own

  • Anonymous

    Studies show. Kids raised by Single Parent Mothers have 10 times the chance of becoming a criminal than their counterpart

  • Anonymous

    Studies show. Kids raised by Single Parent Mothers have 10 times the chance of becoming a criminal than their counterpart

  • Anonymous

    Studies show. Kids raised by Single Parent Mothers have 10 times the chance of becoming a criminal than their counterpart

  • Anonymous

    Studies show. Kids raised by Single Parent Mothers have 10 times the chance of becoming a criminal than their counterpart

    • jaclynsd

      What does it say about single fathers? Not sure of that statistic hu? Maybe because there aren’t enough of those around or statistics focus more on mothers (single mothers that is). I’ll say it again, again, statistics don’t live in my house and if I paid attention to any statistic or tweeter comment all the time then I’d be f*cked. I’m too busy raising my daughter to listen to judgment, ridicule, or negative comments. Life is hard enough for single mothers to worry about someone else who has nothing better to do but spill negative comments about anyone doing what they have to do when the other parent lacked the morals, character and strength to raise his (or her) child/children. SMH

      Whether you believe it or not women (and men) do everything they have to do, they wait for the right person, and they hold their values high, but at the end of the day no one has a crystal ball and no one knows what the future brings. So my advice for the person that tweeted that comment…focus on you and less time negativity because you never know where you’ll end up later on in life.

  • Anonymous

    Studies show. Kids raised by Single Parent Mothers have 10 times the chance of becoming a criminal than their counterpart

  • Anonymous

    Studies show. Kids raised by Single Parent Mothers have 10 times the chance of becoming a criminal than their counterpart

  • Artemis Fowl

    When it comes the epidemic of baby mothers and baby fathers…we have to realize that this behavior is seriously patterned after slavery. During slave times, black men were essentially studs and babymakers. They hit it and quit it. The black women would sleep with random men at their masters’ bidding and  would become accustom to be clueless about their child’s father
    The issue is still prevalent today because black people haven’t really acknowledge the slavery root in their behaviors and actively work to counteract it and deprogram themselves.

    So I do feel like marriage is ideal for any sort of children to be brought into this world and I do look down on single mothers who have kids under circumstances beyond a failed marriage or rape because there is too much protection out there for a woman to have a child accidentally. Sure the man plays a role, but he only plants the seed…there is a morning after pill, birth control, condoms…..there is too much stuff available to allow for women to cover up their tracks have sex safely. Women aren’t victims in this.

    Thus, both sides need to really actively work against what our history in slavery has programmed us to be accustom to.

  • Krystal light

    I think it’s sad when people just assume you’re some baby momma. When I was pregnant with my son I was asked “who did this to you and ran off?” I was surprised people just assume this nowadays. I told him I was married but my ring didn’t fit. Another time a dude told me he could take care of me and my baby. I’m like thanks but my husband will do that. The fact that people assume that nobody is getting married these days is what saddens me. I was also asked if my son was my brother once. Just because my husband isn’t right here at this moment doesn’t mean I don’t have one and can have a kid with him. It’s all just so crazy.

  • Wmofyr

    Answer: Because the guy not that into her, or his character not so good. He did the fake out. Then the pregnancy happen and he found it easier to stay away. She did not know how bad he was because he was doing the fake out. Also, abandoning babies is big: So who really expects a man who seems okay to abandon his child.

    It’s like that saying.. you find out who your real friends are when ish happens. Same with men.. you find out if he really into you (or the level of his sense of responsibility to human beings who are infinitely close, you or baby) when baby happens.

    Women are not psychologist; Sometimes the issue is borderline mental. Some of these men are so malicious, and do stuff that you really cant predict. Then there is a common thing that abusers do: They act really nice in some ways, so the person can be confused about the situation. Yes, this happens to grownups too. And then there is the malicious person who consistantly think that the big wrong they do is somehow your fault. Then there is the really deep stuff like hidden depression, narsicism, etc. Plus some don’t realized that abandoning the mother, creates trauma for the woman: they think it’s not that bad.

    I think the situations where the man totally abandons, are the ones that are really some stuff a psychologist would have to predict.

  • Wmofyr

    Answer: Because the guy not that into her, or his character not so good. He did the fake out. Then the pregnancy happen and he found it easier to stay away. She did not know how bad he was because he was doing the fake out. Also, abandoning babies is big: So who really expects a man who seems okay to abandon his child.

    It’s like that saying.. you find out who your real friends are when ish happens. Same with men.. you find out if he really into you (or the level of his sense of responsibility to human beings who are infinitely close, you or baby) when baby happens.

    Women are not psychologist; Sometimes the issue is borderline mental. Some of these men are so malicious, and do stuff that you really cant predict. Then there is a common thing that abusers do: They act really nice in some ways, so the person can be confused about the situation. Yes, this happens to grownups too. And then there is the malicious person who consistantly think that the big wrong they do is somehow your fault. Then there is the really deep stuff like hidden depression, narsicism, etc. Plus some don’t realized that abandoning the mother, creates trauma for the woman: they think it’s not that bad.

    I think the situations where the man totally abandons, are the ones that are really some stuff a psychologist would have to predict.

  • Wmofyr

    Answer: Because the guy not that into her, or his character not so good. He did the fake out. Then the pregnancy happen and he found it easier to stay away. She did not know how bad he was because he was doing the fake out. Also, abandoning babies is big: So who really expects a man who seems okay to abandon his child.

    It’s like that saying.. you find out who your real friends are when ish happens. Same with men.. you find out if he really into you (or the level of his sense of responsibility to human beings who are infinitely close, you or baby) when baby happens.

    Women are not psychologist; Sometimes the issue is borderline mental. Some of these men are so malicious, and do stuff that you really cant predict. Then there is a common thing that abusers do: They act really nice in some ways, so the person can be confused about the situation. Yes, this happens to grownups too. And then there is the malicious person who consistantly think that the big wrong they do is somehow your fault. Then there is the really deep stuff like hidden depression, narsicism, etc. Plus some don’t realized that abandoning the mother, creates trauma for the woman: they think it’s not that bad.

    I think the situations where the man totally abandons, are the ones that are really some stuff a psychologist would have to predict.

  • Lyndon

    I think most women do consider what the guy will be like as a father. Unfortunately, theyre not processing the evidence in front of them. The info they go off of is the fantasy they create in their heads.

  • http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/ sunt97

    Why don’t men?  Oh, I see it’s been asked.  

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

  • Anonymous

    I really love when women don’t answer a question and push it back to dudes. But…

    That wasn’t the question.

    I think it comes down several things:

    1. selfishness (“MY baby”…what about the daddy?)
    2. generous benefits from the state (“i need help with my selfish decision”)
    3. replaces love they are not getting elsewhere- this is a BIG one
    4. honestly/foolishly hoping it will change a guy- the biggest ‘fail’ out there

    Personally, I am not down with bringing a child into the world without two stable minded parents. Sh*t happens, but people have the choice. Fathers usually dont though.

    • Wmofyr

      Having a baby can not be selfish. Are you saying it’s selfishness -against- the father.

      But you are looking at this from the birth stage. What about conception? If a man would ever demand to me to have an abortion, I would be so insulted (for my baby) even though I am pro-choice. I would feel like I have to defend him/her: It would send me into mommie mode.

  • Adivawithclass36

    What about the 30 plus women who have lived their lives but decided that they would rather be a parent than a wife? Everyone doesnt slip up and become single parents by accident! Some people choose this option because its an ideal decision for them at the time. I’m a single mother but a single mother by choice! To me if you can give your child everything they need without the help of a man then by all means do it! What’s the difference, don’t get married or run the risk of getting married and then divorced which could be considered detrimental to a child’s way of life?

  • Necronometer

    I think the one thing that we can all conclude from this is the fact that no matter who you are, relationships, marriage, and children are not always cookie-cutter simple. There are thousands of situations that people can be in.

    My mother was on birth control when I was conceived, so the way I see it is that my parents did their part. However, I was conceived anyways and my parents married after I was born and divorced before I could even remember them being together. The only time there was a question about abortion, it was because my mother was also taking accutane at the time, which causes severe birth defects. There was a concern that I would develop without a brain, but my parents took that chance and everything worked out fine. But I know my father and my parents are not enemies even though they get on each others’ nerves sometimes. My mother did become a “single mother,” but I don’t believe she became a “baby momma” because she and my father did get married and now their relationship is ex-husband/ex-wife. To me, the term “baby momma” insinuates that there no love or marriage or any of that mushy stuff was involved. My interpretation is that a “baby momma” and “baby daddy” are two people who never intended to have a child together but did and never intended to marry afterwards. (If they did, wouldn’t the term ex-wife/ex-husband just be used rather than creating a new term?)

    I also don’t feel as thought the divorce was “detrimental” to my way of life as a child. In fact, the divorce was the absolute least of my worries because not only did I not remember my parents ever being together, I also grew up in an environment where that was “my norm.” I was aware that other children’s parents were still married, but I just grew up thinking that every family looks a little bit different from one another and certain differences don’t make families any less “good.”

    However, I do think that society places way too much pressure on women to “note the order.” The way I see it is that there is a plethora of reasons why people have children before marriage. I believe that either one or even both parties can be at fault when things don’t go “as planned.” I think that it should be acknowledged that both sexes deserve a little more credit. Yes, there are some women who “spread their legs wide open without protection,” however, that is not the story of many single mothers. And while the classic story is “man gets woman pregnant and then runs out on her, never to be seen again,” I’m sure there are plenty men that have taken responsibility for their actions. But again, there are people that don’t take responsibility and don’t weigh the consequences before sex. On the other side, there are also some people who are in committed relationships who have children, but do not get married for a variety of reasons. Maybe they are a heterosexual couple who feels as though marriage really is just a piece of paper and don’t feel like they need to get married. Maybe they are a homosexual couple who cannot legally wed as of yet, which technically would make them “single parents” if they chose to adopt, undergo artificial insemination, or have a child through a surrogate. 

    But the facts are that everyone has their “ideal” of how their love and parenting lives will go. It doesn’t always happen that way for whatever reason. It’s not fair to judge or generalize when so many factors could have played a hand, which is the primary reason why this tweet was unfair to single mothers and the fathers of their children. The fact of the matter is that the only relationships that people should worry about is their own. I mean… unless some terrible violent, abusive, life-threatening thing is happening to someone you love and if you don’t act, someone will end up hurt or dead, but that’s a different story. It’s just the same thing that I have told to insecure friends who have gotten upset with me for not thinking their boyfriends are attractive: It doesn’t matter what I or anyone else thinks. It’s what you think about your own situation that counts.