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Do Sexually Abused Women Have Less Respect For Themselves?

Posted by NWSO • September 6, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I actually have two questions and hopefully you can help. First, I’m a 27-year-old female, independent, no kids, pretty good job… So why can’t I find a man? I’m sexy, down to earth, I think I’m funny, some times I’m freaky… I’m just wondering what am I lacking that men will have sex with me—even come over and JUST hang out sometimes—but I can’t get one to commit...

Second question is: how freaky is too freaky? I experienced traumatic situations as a very young child and I know these experiences have made me very open to sex and caused me to confuse lust with love all the time. However, there’s nothing I wouldn’t try at least once.

I once dated a man who had an infatuation with orgies and ménages with his same sex and I took two dicks numerous times for him (I wanna say it was for him because I didn’t enjoy it very much). This was over a two-year period and when we parted it was ugly and for him it’s like nothing. For me, I'm so tormented by the decisions I made that it’s hard for me to date again.

I hope you have some type of feedback...

Dear Nicki-No-Minaj,

No. 1

Truthfully, I would have no clue as to why you don't have a man. I say this all the time; just because we see ourselves as a "good" catch (or even when we actually are) that doesn't automatically mean we'll be granted a great partner and relationship. It's usually about timing and chemistry. Those two things are what make for a solid relationship more than just being a good person. You just have to meet the right person at the right time—it’s just that simple.

A lot of times though what I find is that the "good" women are single because they just aren't meeting people. A lot of dope girls I know just go to work, maybe hang with their girls or go to church and sit at home. How can you meet different men if you aren't out in the world where the men are? Not sure if that's the case for you as it seems like you have no problem meeting guys, it just seems to boil down to meeting the right guy—but the aforementioned is just a problem I've seen with a lot of women.

Sometimes, you just have to mix up you go if your current travels lead you to the same dead-end relationships. Also, friend referrals can be cool (sometimes) and there's always online dating. As with anything, though, you always have to have your guard up to determine the real from the fake.

But ultimately I don't know enough about you personally and the specifics of your dating history to give a fair assessment of why you're single. There's no formula to make a man commit. He's either ready to or he's not. Forcing someone to be with you is never a good way to start a relationship. Like I said in the beginning, it's all a matter of time and patience before you find that special someone.

No. 2

Sorry to hear that you had some traumas in your past. I'll assume that these were sexual traumas in nature and victims generally respond in two ways—an aversion to sex/intimacy or over sexualized behavior. It seems like you fall into the latter category.

If being a sexual person is part of your personality that's all good as long as you're safe and protected. However, if your sexual liberation is rooted in abuse it's always wise to seek help/counseling to deal with you emotions or your relationships may always be fractured due to unresolved issues, which may or may not explain the problems in the first part of your question.

In regards to never being afraid to try something once; that may sound good but that philosophy should never come at the loss of self-respect, safety and your own well-being. You noted that after engaging in orgies that you didn't even like that you felt "tormented" that doesn't sound good at all. Sex should be pleasurable and while we should be willing to please our partners there are limitations. You sound as if your desire to please men trumps your own desire to please yourself. Again, this may be rooted to your trauma and you subconsciously feeling that all men want from you is sex or that that's all you have to offer. If that's your approach to relationships and sex, it's a recipe for short-lived relationships.

I truly believe you should reach out to someone more versed in your trauma to talk out your issues and help you deal with your past so your future relationships can be more fruitful. Sex shouldn't be a weapon and literally bending over backwards for partners that won't return the favor or more importantly love you back is not a good look.

In terms of what's "too freaky" that's all relative. Do what makes YOU happy first and never feel forced to do something that only makes your partner happy—especially over the course of two years. Perhaps with counseling (and don't look at that as a negative thing) you'll be able to come to terms/grips with your sexuality and behavior and be on the path to healthy relationships. That way you can be as freaky as you want to be and loved for you not what you do in the bedroom.

Good luck.

Do you think it’s “wrong” to do something for your lover that goes against your personal preferences? Or, are you willing to try something at least once? Do you think that not experimenting with your partner that someone else is always going to be willing to take your spot? Do you think that this woman’s “trauma” is at the root of her relationship problems? Is she using sex as a weapon? Is there such as thing as being “too freaky?” What advice would you give to this letter writer?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: dear nwso, freak, molestation, rape, sexual abuse

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_D4WHNXVHI3RNW7ZGMWW7WNCNII T

Wow. The title made me click on the link bc I was like..."please anslem, don't make a mockery of this..." I should have known better. You wouldn't do that. I think your answers were so well thought out and sensitive to this young woman. I actually can't add more, but I want to underscore your point. So this is for the sister who wrote to you:

Dear brave-sister-letter-writer:
I am a "survivor" which is now a universal term of empowerment for former victims of sexual abuse. As a result I started an organization called Justbeinc (www.justbeinc.org) and we have a program called "me too." because of women like you and me. I have to reiterate - It is SO important to seek help -- could be therapy, group counseling, church counseling, some books on the topic -- whatever you are personally ready to handle. As a survivor, I know first hand the tumultuous relationship we can have with sex and love and identifying the latter and not using the former as a means to an end. It sounds like your former lover might have (knowingly or unwittingly) manipulated your vulnerability in this area and you are worse off bc of it. I would venture out to say that you can't find a man bc many men have an uncanny ability to spot damage a mile away. There is needy and then there is "needy" there is freaky and then there is that type of freak that reeks of desperation alot of men will nibble, but they won't bite. It's not worth the headache to them. I can't give you straight up advice, but I will tell you what helped me. Ease up. Take a break from the rat race for a minute. No dating, no sex, no men (or women). Just you. And not in a corny "just go find yourself" self help kind of way, but in a way that fits you. You can get into your own head through a variety of ways, hobbies, books travel, silence. Try everything until you find what works and then just stay there. I needed to do this even with the therapy so that I had space to process what I was getting from my sessions. Its a long road back. It's a slow road back as well but the progress is so worth it. You can email me through my website if you need resources in your community. We work with young women of color -- but really across all ages despite our stated mission. I would be happy to offer whatever assistance I can.

Hold tight sis,

Tarana
Anonymous

Seems like two different articles stuck into one. One one hand, she's a freak who has bad choice of men, and on the other she suffers from "why cant i find a man" syndrome. Typically I call bullshit whenever a women says that because its usually 1) a bending of the truth, in which they can find a man, just not exactly what they want, and 2) because they are usually straight-up crazy. Even the way the letter was written is very telling: the 'abuse' is almost used as a reasoning for her taking two dicks on the regular. That's..convenient...and a bit hard to swallow. Just saying.

I've found that abused women have severe, lasting after effects (of course) and they are a tough lot to deal with. Oddly enough, they become very used to the shoddy treatment and become even more un-trustful of guys that are NOT abusive. In that sense, it's a death spiral that they create for themselves. It's pretty sad. It's roughly similar to these typical women who always complain about no good men out there, but wont do anything to actively solve the 'problem', but will swear that's the reason they only date bad guys. They are mentally stuck. Some guys will just go after that booty, but many others will see the writing on the wall and stay far away. Sounds like what's happening here.

Good luck to her, but maybe she should stop taking wood for a while and get her head checked. And not 'that' kind of head game.
http://twitter.com/Flyness Your Royal Flyness

I fully concur with the previous poster. As a man who has dated a lot, I have
definitely run into women who have been VERY freaky who I later found to have
been abused as a child. In my personal
experiences, these women participated in exhibitionism, threesomes, exotic dancing, and
typically have more than an average number of tattoos, and piercings in sexual
places. All of these women enjoyed rough
sex and loved the idea of being choked, gagged, and many other things.

Keeping it funky, it is nice to be able to identify a woman
who may be “down for the get down.” (I
think this is why they call tattoos near the buttocks “tramp stamps.” It may hold some truth.) 9/10 times in this society, women have the
final say with regard to when sex happens. Thus, I believe most men
instinctively look for women who are receptive to getting physical. Yet, having dealt with a woman who used to
cut herself, another who was raped by her father, and a few more, I highly
recommend reevaluating potential superfreaks.
(Notice I didn’t say “leave them alone.”
Lol) To the guest writer, I
believe it would be a wise move to seek help so that these matters are dealt with
in a way that is not detrimental to your health. Keep your freakiness, but have it under
control or you will end up on the next “Single and Successful” Nightline
Special. And to my fellas—a freak-a-lik
may seem cool. But a woman who hasn’t
resolved past issues will not only come back to haunt her—but you as well. (And if anyone wants to follow me, I’m
@Flyness on Twitter / http://www.FlynessPublishing.com
) KUDOS to NWSO!
Naomi

Let me start by saying that you are not alone. You are beautiful, you are talented and you have much to offer the world. I, too, am a "survivor." I agree completely with what T had to say and her advice is something you might seriously want to consider. I think there are always lasting, residual effects of childhood trauma and while the trauma never truly goes away, at least you can confront it and find ways of coping with it. It's what I had to do and I actually learned a lot about myself and my relationships and not just relationships with men but relationships in general.

The greatest thing I learned through counseling was about boundaries. As victims of childhood sexual abuse, we don't know what boundaries are because they were violated at such an early age. This is why when others display their boundaries we don't even "get it." You have the right to your body and you have the right to say "no" when you aren't comfortable doing something. Until you learn that this will be a vicious cycle for you.

Once you're able to learn what boundaries are then you can start to learn about your self-worth and I hope that in time you'll realize that you're more than just your sexuality and you have so much more to offer. It took me a long time to realize that. Being "sexually confident' doesn't mean "being down for whatever." It means respecting yourself. Please remember, there are men who will prey on your vulnerabilities and take advantage of them but there are so many men who don't.

Take a step back and put in the work it will take to get some healing. I know what it means to be scary and damaged and broken and it sucks. Especially when it was never your fault because the people who were supposed to protect you, didn't. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel and real healing can take place. Another really good resource is: http://www.rainn.com

I hope this helps.
http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

The situation is hard to assess because of the extenuating circumstances so imma just skip to the questions:
Do you think it’s “wrong” to do something for your lover that goes against your personal preferences? I think you should do what you feel comfortable doing. If you are comfortable sacrificing your comfort to do it, then do it. But don't let anybody goad you into it. Or, are you willing to try something at least once? There are things that i don't want to do that i guess i'd be willing to take one for the team on. But there are limits. Im not gonna try EVERYTHING once just because its what my boo wants to do. Do you think that not experimenting with your partner that someone else is always going to be willing to take your spot? I think that if the man is contemplating getting with someone because of something (especially sexual) that i have strong feelings against doing then he can get the f*ckin steppin. I hate how dudes (and even some misguided chicks) try to pressure people into doing things they are not comfortable with either because its the "status quo" or because if you don't do it someone else will. If you love me, you shouldn't be even contemplating someone else in the first place!Do you think that this woman’s “trauma” is at the root of her relationship problems? Is she using sex as a weapon?Could be. I was the victim of a sexual assault but i wasn't exactly a child (i was a teenager) and i know how it effected me. It did play into decisions i made about men but not to the extent that i imagine it does for people who have been continuously abused or abused as a child. Is there such as thing as being “too freaky?” Yes and no. Even though most people tend to argue with me, there is in my mind things that are acceptable freaky (s&m) and things that are deranged freaky (sex with children/animals). Assuming you are in the acceptable range, then its all relative. Just gotta find someone who can keep up with you- or find the person thats gonna calm you down.What advice would you give to this letter writer?
To take some time to reflect on her situation and the possible hows and whys of her decision making.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=787893850 Akynos Shekera

Thank you so much for not preaching and making stationary responses that don't fit every woman or situation. I appreciate that so much. It's true, how can we expect to find someone sitting at home doing the same old routine trying to "better ourselves" as opposed to finding a mate? Good stuff friend.
Wmofyr

Well, one way to look at the breakup with orgie guy is that it would have meant years (maybe 20 years) of sexual situations that would have killed you eventually: or just repulse you to death. You dodged the bullet, none the less.

Why haven't you found anyone?
Well you have things going for you, and you seem willing to please/compromise, only thing left is meeting a guy that you can be with for decades. And he would have to be on that same page you are on, in areas such as sex and family, or other important issues. Sex is an important issue for you, so the guy would have to be willing to give you some consideration (at lease he would have to not be so overbearing). The orgie guy was totally off the page.

Boundaries are designed to keep your safety and self-esteem as high as possible: design your boundaries for this. So setting boundaries is a "gift" to yourself: A gift if safety and self-esteem.

Also there is such a thing as expectations and personal "prophecies" I believe. A bad relationship can have us thinking (temporarily) that guys are all dogs, or orgie seekers. And we end up with a dog or orgie seeker. Well, it goes something like that.

Anyway, when you decide on counseling, make sure you know what type of therapy you are in for. Sometimes it's not a psychologist (it may be a social worker counselor, ugh), and they think you just need someone to talk to (it's cheaper, but it won't be therapy). But if you really want to move to healing get a psychologist, for a couple of months or so, not years. On the other hand, talking to someone who has gone through the same as yourself may be a good support.
Wmofyr

Well, one way to look at the breakup with orgie guy is that it would have meant years (maybe 20 years) of sexual situations that would have killed you eventually: or just repulse you to death. You dodged the bullet, none the less.

Why haven't you found anyone?
Well you have things going for you, and you seem willing to please/compromise, only thing left is meeting a guy that you can be with for decades. And he would have to be on that same page you are on, in areas such as sex and family, or other important issues. Sex is an important issue for you, so the guy would have to be willing to give you some consideration (at lease he would have to not be so overbearing). The orgie guy was totally off the page.

Boundaries are designed to keep your safety and self-esteem as high as possible: design your boundaries for this. So setting boundaries is a "gift" to yourself: A gift if safety and self-esteem.

Also there is such a thing as expectations and personal "prophecies" I believe. A bad relationship can have us thinking (temporarily) that guys are all dogs, or orgie seekers. And we end up with a dog or orgie seeker. Well, it goes something like that.

Anyway, when you decide on counseling, make sure you know what type of therapy you are in for. Sometimes it's not a psychologist (it may be a social worker counselor, ugh), and they think you just need someone to talk to (it's cheaper, but it won't be therapy). But if you really want to move to healing get a psychologist, for a couple of months or so, not years. On the other hand, talking to someone who has gone through the same as yourself may be a good support.
Wmofyr

Well, one way to look at the breakup with orgie guy is that it would have meant years (maybe 20 years) of sexual situations that would have killed you eventually: or just repulse you to death. You dodged the bullet, none the less.

Why haven't you found anyone?
Well you have things going for you, and you seem willing to please/compromise, only thing left is meeting a guy that you can be with for decades. And he would have to be on that same page you are on, in areas such as sex and family, or other important issues. Sex is an important issue for you, so the guy would have to be willing to give you some consideration (at lease he would have to not be so overbearing). The orgie guy was totally off the page.

Boundaries are designed to keep your safety and self-esteem as high as possible: design your boundaries for this. So setting boundaries is a "gift" to yourself: A gift if safety and self-esteem.

Also there is such a thing as expectations and personal "prophecies" I believe. A bad relationship can have us thinking (temporarily) that guys are all dogs, or orgie seekers. And we end up with a dog or orgie seeker. Well, it goes something like that.

Anyway, when you decide on counseling, make sure you know what type of therapy you are in for. Sometimes it's not a psychologist (it may be a social worker counselor, ugh), and they think you just need someone to talk to (it's cheaper, but it won't be therapy). But if you really want to move to healing get a psychologist, for a couple of months or so, not years. On the other hand, talking to someone who has gone through the same as yourself may be a good support.
Lyndon

I've never seiously dated a woman who was not sexually abused. And all of them had severe self-esteem issues to varying degrees. Once I realized how prevalent this was, I completely changed the way I viewed women, especially easy,gullible, and clingly women. Most have CSA in common. Not only do I see it everyday, but I recognize that for most women to live with it, they have to create a character that does not see the world the same way unaffected people do. Everything revolves around gaining affection and attention any way they can get it. And like someone said above, there are men that prey on this. So they go from abuser to abuser repeating the cycle of abuse.

I've learned that depending on how it was handled or if it goes untreated, it can completely destroy a man or woman's ability to ever sustain a good relationship. So often I hear relationship arguments blaming him or her, but no one acknowldge that the root to it all has nothing to do with the other person. I kyonow it's not easy for women to accept, but I encourage women whenever I can to understand that its unfair to expect a man to make them happy if this has happened. My ex tried to seek refuge in our relationship and her trauma would surface at the strangest times. I was no psychologist and wasn't prepared to handle her shit. Childs abuse is not eaIsy for the victim and equally difficlut for the partner.

I like the response NWSO. And I respect the brothas above that recognize what theyre dealing with. When I hear men brag about the amount the bizarre things some chick was willing to do, I wonder if they know it's only a reflection of how they feel aobut themselves. Issues like this is at the heart of why relationships fail. Some heal, some don't, some work very hard so that they never have to deal with it. But in the end it comes full circle and the shame stares them right in the face. My hope is that men took the time to see how and why women do what they do and acted responsibly. I know for me I can't undo the shit Ive done in the past and most ppl don't wanna hear me when I talk about things like this, but I refuse to pretend like it's not real.

Wmofyr

Lyndon, but the man who gets crazy with a woman who is like this, is crazy too. That orgie guy was wack. I wouldn't be surprised if he was a little disgusted at some of the things also. It takes two to get crazy in a relationship.

Lyndon

You're right. He's the one who suffers from co-dependancy (the need to be liked) and has the "savior complex" thinking he can save or rescue her from her misery and ends up getting frustrated when she doesnt give him what he thinks he deserves. The other type is the emotianally vacant man that couldnt give two good shits about her (I think this is the dude youre talkin about). Some women are soooo good at hiding their issues that it takes some brothas a while before they see it and straight lose it when they see a woman acting out. But back to your point, yeah... Disordered folk do attract each other. so much so that I think women who attact certain men are actually spitting images of them.

The road for survivors is a long, tough and depressing road. My ex said it was like living with a hole in her heart and never feeling like she was good enough. Certain times I can look in woman's eyes and I can see it.
Lyndon

You're right. He's the one who suffers from co-dependancy (the need to be liked) and has the "savior complex" thinking he can save or rescue her from her misery and ends up getting frustrated when she doesnt give him what he thinks he deserves. The other type is the emotianally vacant man that couldnt give two good shits about her (I think this is the dude youre talkin about). Some women are soooo good at hiding their issues that it takes some brothas a while before they see it and straight lose it when they see a woman acting out. But back to your point, yeah... Disordered folk do attract each other. so much so that I think women who attact certain men are actually spitting images of them.

The road for survivors is a long, tough and depressing road. My ex said it was like living with a hole in her heart and never feeling like she was good enough. Certain times I can look in woman's eyes and I can see it.

Wmofyr

I guess a man could start thinking he would save her. But then they should get real help if saving is the goal.

Which reminds me of a book called "Inner Bonding." It goes into relationsips, they couples find ways to work on serious stuff from childhood. It's been years since I've read it. But it was a good lesson.

Wmofyr

Lyndon, but the man who gets crazy with a woman who is like this, is crazy too. That orgie guy was wack. I wouldn't be surprised if he was a little disgusted at some of the things also. It takes two to get crazy in a relationship.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_D4WHNXVHI3RNW7ZGMWW7WNCNII T

Lyndon, I seriously appreciate your perspective as a man. I try to tell people the statistics all of the time but they don't believe me bc they are staggering. Here's another one: 66% of wormen of color who were sexually abused as children will be sexually assaulted as an adult. That is the very definition of "the cycle continues." A while back NWSO had a post with a video of a woman who was kind of scantily clad walking down the street through a group of dudes and one dude pulls up her dress to reveal her backside and then proceeds to knock her down to the ground when she attempts to defend herself verbally. That video always makes me so sad as did the responses to it from the readers lots of blaming the victim, kind of like the guy up above in this string. I am NOT saying that EVERY woman is a victim/survivor or that every man is a predator/manipulator -- but I am saying that the pathology in our community runs deep and if we don't take a step back and try to deal with each other from a place of understanding that, it only gets worse in the end. A guy above said that she sounded like she was using the abuse as an excuse for taking two dicks. It's not an EXCUSE homie - it's the reality. At least she is able to make the connection. Like already stated, most times when you find a woman (especially) or man who is super "freaky" for lack of a better term - there are some unresolved issues going on. It would be one thing if she was bragging like janet jacme about her exploits, but she is saying that she was repulsed by the acts she took part in. Anyway. I don't want to keep dwelling on just that point. I hope that sister reads some of these comments and understands that she isn't alone and there is a way back to the middle as I call it. You can be a healthy, whole, fully functioning adult who has a strong sense of self worth. It is possible to come from where you are and go wherever you want to if you do the work. God speed sis.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_D4WHNXVHI3RNW7ZGMWW7WNCNII T

Lyndon, I seriously appreciate your perspective as a man. I try to tell people the statistics all of the time but they don't believe me bc they are staggering. Here's another one: 66% of wormen of color who were sexually abused as children will be sexually assaulted as an adult. That is the very definition of "the cycle continues." A while back NWSO had a post with a video of a woman who was kind of scantily clad walking down the street through a group of dudes and one dude pulls up her dress to reveal her backside and then proceeds to knock her down to the ground when she attempts to defend herself verbally. That video always makes me so sad as did the responses to it from the readers lots of blaming the victim, kind of like the guy up above in this string. I am NOT saying that EVERY woman is a victim/survivor or that every man is a predator/manipulator -- but I am saying that the pathology in our community runs deep and if we don't take a step back and try to deal with each other from a place of understanding that, it only gets worse in the end. A guy above said that she sounded like she was using the abuse as an excuse for taking two dicks. It's not an EXCUSE homie - it's the reality. At least she is able to make the connection. Like already stated, most times when you find a woman (especially) or man who is super "freaky" for lack of a better term - there are some unresolved issues going on. It would be one thing if she was bragging like janet jacme about her exploits, but she is saying that she was repulsed by the acts she took part in. Anyway. I don't want to keep dwelling on just that point. I hope that sister reads some of these comments and understands that she isn't alone and there is a way back to the middle as I call it. You can be a healthy, whole, fully functioning adult who has a strong sense of self worth. It is possible to come from where you are and go wherever you want to if you do the work. God speed sis.
http://pulse.yahoo.com/_D4WHNXVHI3RNW7ZGMWW7WNCNII T

Lyndon, I seriously appreciate your perspective as a man. I try to tell people the statistics all of the time but they don't believe me bc they are staggering. Here's another one: 66% of wormen of color who were sexually abused as children will be sexually assaulted as an adult. That is the very definition of "the cycle continues." A while back NWSO had a post with a video of a woman who was kind of scantily clad walking down the street through a group of dudes and one dude pulls up her dress to reveal her backside and then proceeds to knock her down to the ground when she attempts to defend herself verbally. That video always makes me so sad as did the responses to it from the readers lots of blaming the victim, kind of like the guy up above in this string. I am NOT saying that EVERY woman is a victim/survivor or that every man is a predator/manipulator -- but I am saying that the pathology in our community runs deep and if we don't take a step back and try to deal with each other from a place of understanding that, it only gets worse in the end. A guy above said that she sounded like she was using the abuse as an excuse for taking two dicks. It's not an EXCUSE homie - it's the reality. At least she is able to make the connection. Like already stated, most times when you find a woman (especially) or man who is super "freaky" for lack of a better term - there are some unresolved issues going on. It would be one thing if she was bragging like janet jacme about her exploits, but she is saying that she was repulsed by the acts she took part in. Anyway. I don't want to keep dwelling on just that point. I hope that sister reads some of these comments and understands that she isn't alone and there is a way back to the middle as I call it. You can be a healthy, whole, fully functioning adult who has a strong sense of self worth. It is possible to come from where you are and go wherever you want to if you do the work. God speed sis.

http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/ sunt97

Wow, my head is spinning after reading this. I think everyone should be open to different options in sex. You never know what you may like. Closed minds get closed out. I do think that people will do things because they are worried that they are going to lose someone but are they worth keeping if you are adamant that you have no interest in something? How in the world can someone be too freaky?

Peace, Love and Chocolate,
Tiffany

Wmofyr

"Closed minds get closed out."

Girl, it ain't like that. I guess it depends on the type of guy.

Rastaman

It will be difficult for the LW to find herself a healthy relationship with a man until she has satisfactorily addressed the issues emanating from her past sexual trauma. If not she will undoubtedly continue to have relationships akin to the one she experienced with the past person that involved sexual exploitation and feelings of lost. I have encountered a few women over the years that shared her experience and unless she undertakes healing herself psychologically she will very likely only have room in her life for men who will seek to exploit her or are as equally damaged psychologically. The regular well adjusted guy she may need is generally ill equipped to deal with her in her present state. So while they may find her attractive and even sexually appealing they will inevitably leave too because they cannot understand or deal with her.
Crazy dude will seem most appealing, he is equally or even more emotionally damaged and will be so much more tolerant of your frequent ups and downs. But only because he needs someone to be as tolerant of his crazy ass, don’t buy it, it will seem like the easier road to take but it will never get better only worst and his craziness could possibly kill you. Most men over time will encounter that woman who will offer to swing from the highest chandelier to satisfy our sexual fantasies but most of us will have no choice but to run away because outside of the sex it is just not worth it. It is an emotional rollercoaster that we just have no choice but to get off. As you discover that her lack of boundaries often extends to many more aspects of life, more than most people can tolerate.
Litabia

I think that the advise you gave her was good advise. It seems as though she has some unresolved issues stemming from her past. As far looking and/or finding a person that will commit, I say stop looking and it will seek you out. If I am in a relationship with someone I would try out whatever they wanted to do...if I like it I would continue to throw it in the routine if not if that person as much for me as I do for them, they would understand that I didn't like it and not hold that against me. I wouldn't worry about if someone else would do the freaky deed as far as I'm concerned they can continue to do it.
Wmofyr

Well I would like to post about this book.
"Inner Bonding" ISBN 0-06-250710-0. 1992
Backcover -
"Inner Bonding provides the tools we need to forge and maintain the inner unity that makes our family, sexual, work, and social relationships productive, honest, and joyful.

.... Real-life examples illustrates the dynamics of the healing process and show the benefits we can expect in every facet of our lives and in all our relationships."