Mostly All Women Are Catty But Have You Ever Wondered Why?

0 Posted by - September 15, 2011 - Relationships, Love & Marriage

It’s no secret that women are catty. I can’t count the number of times I’ve known a woman to not like another woman for some arbitrary reason. As a result, most women I know have more male friends than female. Guys on the other hand tend to have tighter bonds. Of course there are exceptions to that on either side of the coin, but hear me out.

I began pondering the beef that often brews between women the other day as I was headed to the eye doctor and I realized what it is: competition. Regardless of whether or not they want to admit it most women are always competing or comparing herself with another woman at every opportunity. You see it when the glammed out sister in heels walks into a train car and all the other women size her up. You can tell what they’re thinking just by the look on their faces.

“Oh, she thinks she’s all that.”

“Where does she think she’s going dressed like that?”

“She looks like a slut.”

All accented with eye rolls and sucked teeth.

Sure, some women may actually be admiring the sister’s swag but chances are those quiet kudos are in the minority. Deep down inside every woman wants to be the hottest woman in the room and if she doesn’t she’s probably lying to herself. Every woman should want to be the hottest thing alive because if you don’t think you’re hot no one else will.

The problem is there’s always going to be someone hotter than you. Stacy Dash and Halle Berry are hot but Beyoncé is hotter (that’s debatable but just play along). The point is there’s only so long a woman (or man) can be in her prime. That washboard stomach, sculpted legs and perky breasts you had in college have a short shelf life. Pop out a few kids or just grow old over time and what was once firm and tight is now flabby and loose. Even if a woman like Angela Bassett is still hot for her age, there’s always that 20-year-old version of her that’s going to catch the eye of men of all ages.

This is where jealousy comes in. I’ve seen older women blatantly cockblock on the younger sister on the come-up and size up her mini skirts and low-cut blouses with disdain. It’s because she used to be the hot chick at the office until the starting-salary hussy came in to steal her thunder. It’s a rare few women that can keep their composure and have enough confidence in themselves to let the youngin’ live.

Therein lies the solution: self-confidence. If women spent more time focused on themselves than worrying about what the next chick is doing or wearing there wouldn’t be so much drama. Again, I’m not saying all women but there’s enough of them out there that this applies to. Because half the time the sister “hating” is the one that needs to step her game up. It might not always be physically or fashionably, but most certainly mentally.

I always commend an older sister that still has it going on and I’m not talking about some celebrity chick. I mean just some everyday older sister that can still turn a young man’s head. I see them everyday and even bagged me one way back in the day. #GoMe

A few weeks back I sent out the following tweet:

“I never understand how letting yourself go becomes an option.”

It doesn’t get any realer than that. Yeah, some folks are “genetically predisposed” to be heavyset and some wind up with a slower metabolism but at the end of the day it’s all on you whether you’re healthy of not. You can’t blame anybody else but yourself if your clothes and hairstyle are out of date. I was in the audience at a panel in Harlem a few weeks ago and one of the panelist said something to the effect of, “You can’t ‘compete’ with a younger person when you still look like an older person.” A young girl rockin’ vintage clothes is different than an old lady rockin’ a similar outfit from her attic.

#RealTalk

So kudos to the mature women that keep up with the times and look like they can still get (and give) it like their younger counterparts. The sad part is some of the older women that let time pass them by decide to hate on the older sister that’s still doing it up. It’s not her fault you didn’t keep yourself together. So the only person you can blame is…

Yup, you guessed it, yourself.

Why do you think women are so catty towards each other? Is it society’s fault that so many women compare themselves to each other? Have you noticed many women sizing one another up on the street? Do you think that the problem is that every woman wants to be the hottest woman in the room? Shouldn’t you want to be that anyway? Why don’t men go through similar drama? Would you be mad at or commend an older person that kept themselves together better than you? Do you think that failing to stay with the times is a big problem in dating for older folks? Is letting yourself go an option for you?

Speak your piece…

  • Calidreaming86

    Please, all women are not catty. No one could ever describe me as being catty. Some women are catty to each other because they are too critical of each other or they have been consumed with the believe that women aren’t supposed to get along. I do notice women sizing each other up, but it’s not only on the street. I don’t think EVERY woman wants to be the hottest woman in the room. Men don’t go through a similar drama because that is not how they were raised, nor is it what society promotes fro them. Um, I couldn’t care less if an older person (I am twenty-five) ‘kept’ themselves better than me.

    • Calidreaming86

      I just want to say that I noticed that the word ‘insecure’ is commonly used to describe women and their actions, but not for men. Why is that?

  • Anonymous

    Men swear they are so different from women in this area but y’all compete with each other just as much as women compete w/ each other and your competition can turn negative in the same way. 

    Anyways I saw an article today about how women shouldn’t compare themselves to other women and it got me thinking what does it mean when a woman is constantly comparing herself to men (in life areas that don’t include looks)

    • Anonymous

      Do you have a link for the article? And what did you conclude in regards to women that compare themselves to men? I’d hypothesis that sort of competition/comparison was likely in relation to work and inequality. Like, if he can do it why can’t I (or why won’t they let me)? I think that’s healthy and good competition.

      Check My Interactive Business Card: http://about.me/anslemsamuel

      Sent via AnsBerry from NWSO-Mobile

      • Anonymous

        link to article: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Stop-Comparing-Yourself-to-Other-Women

        The Oprah article just made me realize that I don’t care enough about looks to compare myself to other women.  I’m more obsessed w/ what I can do…create… accomplish….whatever; and for some reason I’m insecure when I see men doing things that I want to do but this is not the case when I see women doing these things (I look at them as inspiration).  So I agree w/ what you hypothesized but I definitely don’t think it’s healthy in my case.

        Anyways, my mother sent me that Oprah article and I responded w/ the question about competing w/ men so when I saw this post, I figured I’d ask you the same question. 

        • Anonymous

          cool. thanks for the link

  • Emotionalfunk

    LOl, sorry but I’m laughing on this one. You as a women :-) I just gotta say #real talk that this is straight up all about who you choose to hang out with and who you socialize with. We just attract like minded people no matter what we think. Catty women and Catty men I’ve experienced in the workplace but I keep seeing that they travel in packs. Their freinds are just like them!

    In my past whenever I meet a new possible “gal pal” who says that women are catty or they have more men friends or any of that…I dump the friendship before it even starts. That talk is just a symptom of an unhappy, can’t get along with other people person. I see through that BS and never had that problem but I see the people who claim that people are the problem as “the problem” and side step by.

    • Anonymous

      Agree!  Any grown woman who thinks its a good thing that she has more men friends than women friends has some issues she’s ignoring.  Personally, I know that I have different emotional walls when it comes to building relationships w/ women vs men so I’ll never brag about who I’m closer with.

      • Oeogar

        Women with extensive guy friends is bad sign because these guys are for the most part low key plotting to sleep with her if the chance came…so it might be a case of craving excess male attention and reduce the lady friends or hanging out with mediocre looking woman to offset the competition. #RealTalk

    • Lonias

      I agree with the point that women who state that they have few friends because they can’t get along with women (whether or not they have lots of male friends) should probably get to the bottom of that issue – it’s INternal.

      I also think, however, that relationships form in certain patterns for certain people, and (in the absence of an emotional/personality issues) having more male than female friends might just be the way that it is…

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1222142793 Chelsea Exotisch

      AMEN, girl! only catty women call all women but themselves (conveniantly!) catty, dramatic, evil, whatever. and, uh, since when are men perfect? arent men the ones who fake a friendship to get into your pants? hurt a girl to impress their little buddies? take a sport or video game with their friends way too seriously and turn back to the neanderthal days?

      why is it perfectly acceptable, even good, to insult, generalize, and shame women when most dont even do this (and even if SOME did, why is it OK??) but put the competitive, catty, hidden-agenda-bearing, equally IMPERFECT male gender on a plane of perfection? how does this empower women (because funny enough women who do this are nearly always self proclaimed sexism-hating feminists, LOL)? it isnt realistic for the men, it’s unfair to both genders, it’s cruel to women, and frankly, you look like a bitter, insecure, “CATTY AND COMPETITIVE” hag who is SO socially inept that she can’t even get along with her own gender.

      women who do this are just obsessed with impressing men. a REAL man will never be impressed by this ugly selfhating attitude.

      and this folks, is why I hang out with girls (because you know, women often say “this is why I hang out with guys).

    • 45andlovingit

      Amen!!!!

  • Sfoster

    This is 100% on point.  I have no comments! I am so surprised how a man sized this up.  There are exceptions to every rule, but you are dead on.  For E.G. when I go out with my friends go out one always asked what are you wearing….Kudos..

  • Emotionalfunk

    Type your comment here.Oops not You as a women. I meant

    * As a women :-)

  • Carter Alessandra

    Women and men are more similar than most think. Men size each other up at the office, in the gym, and on the street. I actually think men are more likely to admit that life itself is a competition for the office, the house and the mate.

    Only difference is that woman are socialized to voice their opinions and anxieties and men are not. If it’s not anger or sadness… it’s not an appropriate male emotion.

    At the end of the day..yeah confidence can quell the anxiety. Are men naturally more confident then women? Nah. They just don’t show it. 

     We need to stop making this an us vs. them discussion.

    • http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

      Adding to this, men also gossip as much as they CLAIM that women do, if not more.  So who’s REALLY “catty”?

  • JW

    Why are you promoting this? Just curious…. Like why are you promoting cattiness between black women by asking this never-ending question. Why is this relevant? 
    Nothing wrong with a conversation. It’s just this conversation seems to always be a…well topic of conversation. And I think it’s played out because people are catty. Not just women. Men do the same thing in a different way. Rather than asking why are some women catty perhaps the question is why are some people insecure. Just a thought. 

    I’m not suggesting NOT talking about it but questions WHY are we still talking about women being “catty”. First of all look at the word. Catty. To be cat-like. Cats are extremely independent. Most of the time they are alone and don’t want to be. They scratch when defensive. And they don’t really like being bothered with other cats. There is an embedded objectification in the word that shouldn’t be embraced by men and especially women! The women you speak about are insecure for whatever reasons. Just as men can be as well. That’s the conversation to be had. That’s the question of the day: why are people so uncomfortable in their own skin and how do we begin to heal those areas of insecurity. 

    It’s not about NOT having the conversation. It’s about having the correct conversation. The one that gets us to a better place as a people.

    Off to work. Have a wonderful day. Remember to visitwww.dailydoseofrealness.com to get your daily dose of insight and encouragement…from a hip hop perspective. Subscribe! :-) .

    Keep up the good work 

    • Glamazons

      I agree – it’s kind of negative and prejudice to say ‘women are catty’ and ‘why?’ I get that you saw women being catty on the street, but those women don’t represent all women. I know several women who aren’t catty, and several men who are. Even the word ‘catty’ has been used primarily as a term to reference women. I think this post and conversation could benefit by opening it up to people in general and then exploring the insecurity or unhappiness behind their attacks on others. I know you, think you’re great and don’t think you’re misogynistic at all but this does come off a little biased…JMO

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1222142793 Chelsea Exotisch

        exactly. why is this ok but I would get verbally lynched for blaming all men for what some boys in middle school did to me?

    • Emotionalfunk

      Great point too, this is a much deeper conversation nothing to do at all with “cattyness”  but a deeper issue like insecurity, unhappiness, etc. I had a real “catty” man at customer service counter. But I did’t even think about him being a black, man or that situation that happened months ago until now. But I don’t connect, black=men=catty? 

    • http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

      JW expressed my sentiments exactly.

  • Anonymous

    Hmmm. I won’t deny that there’s some truth here, but I think you need to cast a slightly wider net. Women don’t do this just for the fun of it. We may be competitive, but we’re also loving, funny and supportive with each other. And to be honest, you kinda lost me with the work example. I think an older woman would be looking down on a younger woman wearing inappropriate clothing at the office because one shouldn’t have one’s boobs hanging out AT WORK. I don’t size people up because I simply don’t care that much — and if I like a lady’s outfit, I’ll tell her! I’m a woman approaching her mid-30s, and I have to admit I stopped caring about what other people thought a while ago. I have shit to do. I don’t have time for cattiness.

    Also, as someone with a slew of male friends (red flag! oh noo!!), I can say with confidence that men are ultra-competitive, but they just play on a different field. There’s a LOT of posturing at my office, and I’ll just leave it at that.

    • Anonymous

      Didn’t view it as done for  ”fun,” moreso what society breeds. From early ages little girls are often taught to be “pretty” and learn to look for praise for their physical attributes and attractiveness. Taught to “make up” their faces like mommy to be pretty etc. and I think that breeds the competetiveness. 

      Of course there are other aspects of every interpersonal relationship/interaction between people of the same sex. There just seems to be an exaggerated amount of in-fighting among women for whatever reason (my hypothesis among some of the reasons).

      Point taken on the workplace attire, but beyond attire I’ve seen older women in the workplace shoe no love to younger sisters trying to come up and be mentored. There oftentimes seems to be a competitive undertone to that decision. But not all, like I said i commend the older/younger sisters that have enough self-confidence or security in who they are to not even fall into the trap that many do.   

  • Rastaman

    I believe female cattiness is socialized and I relate that conclusion based on growing up with 2 older sisters and remembering them disliking other girls long before the idea of attractiveness and hotness was ever an issue.  Sociologically there must be something in early human interaction that made it required that women be wary of other women before getting to know their intentions.   It plays itself out today as some petty jealousy but I think we display arrogance when we downgrade instinctive human behavior and its value in day to day interactions. 

  • http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/ sunt97

    I believe that it all boils down to competition.  For the fact that there is more to be graded on i.e. hair, make-up, facial features, cheast, waist, rear, legs, clothes, etc women tend to get pissed when they see another that has something better than them.  We all do it and yes we all need to take a chill pill but it is what it is.  I keep my thoughts and reactions to myself.

    I do have a lot of male friends but honestly I have more female as usually when my male friends pick up a girlfriend, they are told to drop me.  These chicks have low confidence.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

    • Anonymous

      Ever wonder why they ask them to drop you as a friend… look how fine you are… LOL!!!!

      • http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/ sunt97

        Lol. I have no interest in them. So of these guys I have been friends with for 20+ years. I just wonder why they see any female friend as a threat. Now maybe if we had a lil sum-sumthing going on, but even then if he’s with then he’s with you.

        Peace, Love and Chocolate,
        Tiffany

        • Anonymous

          Women Don’t see it that way… They feel any female friend is a threat. My ex-wife felt all my female friends were threats. She knew that I had been friends with these women since I was a youngster… But if you have looks and a body on you, in their eyes you are the threat, LOL!!!!

  • jaclynsd

    Regardless of what some men might think not all women compare themselves to other women, and not all women wish they were the hottest thing. The ones you notice hating do but the ones you don’t see stressing are the ones that are comfortable with themselves knowing they have way more to offer than looks.

     
    My kid would always tell me that she wished she was as pretty as me because when I walk into a room everyone looks. I would tell her “one you are way more beautiful and two it’s not that I’m all that pretty because I think I’m pretty regular but it’s that I don’t pay attention to who’s checking for me and also the fact that  I’m happy with myself that attracts those to me”  

    I would tell her when you walk in a room, say a party or event you have to go in there like the baddest chick just stepped into the room, not thinking but knowing, and not because you’re the prettiest (because she is beautiful) but because you have a lot more to offer than just your looks. You want to acquire the respect of people and admiration but not because you think your better but because you are confident you have a lot to offer them.

    I grew up a big ol tomboy and didn’t come into my own till past the age of 24 and when I did get all that attention you talk about it wasn’t all that great or comfortable. I’ve always been cool being on the sidelines because what’s always been important to me is getting the respect of men, and not sexual admiration. I’ve always had guys around me and they took care of me and respected me and it didn’t have to do with looks (I was a big ol tomboy) I had what all the girls wanted and that was to be respected by men and admired for more than just looks. When you learn that early on and get that early on its hard to go back to just being a sexual object to someone. But if you’re the type of woman that grew up and all you’ve ever had were your looks and that’s all anyone ever notice of course that woman is going to get bitter when she gets older or when another younger better looking woman walks in the room.

    I guess moral of the story is to teach our daughters that yes looks are nice and keeping yourself up is important. But at the end of the day the reality is that they don’t last forever and that there will always be someone prettier and younger. That they have to figure out what makes them special beyond looks and that they have to figure out what makes them feel like they’re “the baddest chick in the room” without feeling they have to hate on the next woman and for that matter feel they have to compare themselves to her. I think if we taught our daughters that then we’d have less women hating on the next chick.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1222142793 Chelsea Exotisch

      or if men would stop encouraging it for their own amusement and ego-stroke and perpetually blaming it all on women while men get a free pass. yeah, I think that actually works better but your’s is good too.

  • Artemis Fowl

    There’s some hot game in this post, NWSO! 

    I think it stems from an insecurity of women knowing whether they are fly or not. women who aren’t as attract in general charge that insecurity to the game and focus on nails, hair, and their attitude to deflect from their looks( which they know isn’t getting men’s attention).

    But the ones that are cute constantly have to be reminded of that and be resecured in that by male attention. Thus when a girl who is wearing something hoish or looks flier than them …they’ll low key hate because that woman makes them unsure about their looks.

    The necessity of knowing you look good is key for my women out there because we as men are visual creatures so for you……knowing that you’re fly and confirming you are is paramount because that will make you certain that you can catch a good man and get married. 

    For us men, we do have moments of hate….but its mostly on a guys status or success because that’s what attracts the ladies. But we can all garner success/status by working hard and getting established. So that hate won’t be as strong because we can come up…while a woman’s looks can’t be improved upon…by natural means anyway…so seeing a flier woman will get under your skin more because what they have/or you had if your elderly.  #RealTalk

    • Shayla

      Sorry, not buying your paragraph of a supposed “real talk” analysis. For you to
      Imply that male envy strictly stems from the status of a man and not vanity is rubbish. Come on, just because it isn’t vocally acknowledged by men doesn’t mean that it’s not there. I think men envy in silence just like they cry when they’re by themselves and that’s fine. I will say this, it makes me laugh that men complain about catty women when they know they like the thought of women going at each others throats. In fact, some of you bank on it and judging by your words sir, I would venture to say that you are one of the men that enjoy a catty female convo or two, somehow it gives the male ego a sense of relevancy but I digress. If women were to bond together and leave the catty and jealous attitudes out to dry, some men wouldn’t know what to do with themselves (the insecure ones that is) it’s proven all the time when women gravitate toward empowering messages, songs, or figures. So please, save it for someone who doesn’t see right through the nonsense (drops mic)

  • Lonias

    “I never understand how letting yourself go becomes an option.”

    This is a thought that runs across my mind often…but I know I’m vain! LOL

  • Enid Wilson

    I wonder why someone is so concerned about body image. I prefer to talk about the mind.

    Every Savage Can Reproduce

  • Kdflygirl

    What a gross generalization. You may need to widen your circle of female friends.

  • Gemini

    I have two true blue female friends. I used to have four, but one discussed something with the other that should have stayed between the two of us. So I cut her down to the chit chat call when I have nothing else to do. What I said to her should have stayed between us, it was up to me to put it to that person not her.

    My sister is the poster child of chatty but she does it and thinks she should still be accepted back into the circle because she’s family, and all should be forgiven and forgotten. News Flash! just because a person is family does not excuse them for sh*t stirring and gossip that creates tension and pits relative against relative. That ain’t cool.

    I have more male friends because I like it like that, and because they don’t complain about the last time you called. I’m not a phone person. Men couldn’t care less.

  • GP

    Most women are catty? #comeonson.  That’s like saying most men have frail egos. Some GIRLS may be catty. WOMEN are not catty.  Sounds like the people you associate with are shallow, have low self-esteem, and are pretty immature.  Any woman with a mustard seed of maturity, upon reaching a certain age learns to love and accept herself. She may not be the smartest, the prettiest, or the one with the best body, but she’s herself, a unique person with commendable qualities nonetheless. I think its time you expand your social circle.

  • Nicole

    I commend your intelligent and insightful comments, people.  I also agree that not every woman, in fact probably very few, secretly yearn to be the hottest woman around.  Being “hot” can and usually does cause a lot of problems.  In my first year at school, one of my dorm mates had a sign in her room, “It is a drag being pretty.”  How poignant.

    “Catty” should be tossed out entirely…it is a 1950s term (way back even to the 1930s) and sounds like two women are about to have a hair pulling contest. 

    And what one person sees as “hot”, another may not.  Elizabeth Taylor, God rest her soul, was not the favorite of several men I know.  Two of them never even considered her good-looking.  So it is all relative…who can possibly be the “hottest?” 

    Just be happy!   Life is too short!   Let’s not live like a fairy tale….real old stories from yesteryear….Who is the fairest of us all?   GET WITH IT

  • reality chick

    I think this article was written by a man, for several reasons. For one, it’s not about competition or trying to be the “hottest”. Only a guy would think that women are only catty because they’re looking for the attention of men. Secondly, older women do not hate on younger women because they are jealous. I’m an older woman, I take care of myself and I look great. I don’t hate on younger women, but I certainly lose patience with them. Younger women are so clueless. And truth be told, I was the same way at that age. It’s simply a lack of experience. But I thank god that I never have to go through my 20′s again, and I think most “older women” would agree with me. It’s such a huge learning curve, trying to get through college, find a job, relationships, and on top of that, fighting off creepy old guys and men in general. It’s brutally exausting and I wouldn’t do it again, even if I was paid a million dollars to do it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1222142793 Chelsea Exotisch

    And of course, you know this because you have met all women, and of course, men are completely sinless Male Marys (get it? like Hail Marys? OK.) who can do no wrong… like be the cattiest gender by far, but everyone is hush-hush about it because while it’s wonderful to attack and crap on women as one evil entity, it’s a crime punishable by verbal death to point out men are less than perfect, even b8tchy, catty fools.

  • Hannah Love Sweets

    all women are not catty! and women do age gracefully!!! maybe in your society women age in rapid speeds..but around the world..thats not the case! aLSO NOT ALL FEMALES ARE CATTY,ONLY THE INSECURE BITTER ONES WHO ARE THREATENED BY A WOMAN’S FEMININTY!

    he is insecure, and feels threatened by any woman she perceives as being more attractive and gifted than her – or who appears to be meeting with greater success.

    This leads me to….

    Jealousy; Among And Between Women – Female Competition and Rivalry

    Female jealousy not only implies insecurity, a sense of rivalry, and a fear of DEFEAT in competition. But a conception of equality between the jealous woman and the target of her jealousy is lacking.

    We’ve all seen and experienced competitiveness and rivalry between insecure and jealous women that leads to expressions of character such as;

    Being ‘fake’ toward the target of jealousy.

    Acting slighted (a jealous woman may often imagine that she’s being purposely slighted by another woman, and that her talents and achievements are being undervalued because of her.)

    Being ‘catty’ toward toward the target of jealousy (nibbling away at her good feelings, her good mood and/or her good name – by criticism and insinuation.)

    Attacking the target of jealousy in an openly hostile manner.

    **The reason for such fake behavior, cattiness and hostility among and between women is pretty obvious – though quite illogical!

    Furthermore, because of jealousy, competition and rivalry between women, a quite common occurrence among a group of women going out for a night on the town, and to ultimately meet men, is to become jealous.

    When a number of women are equally anxious to win the attention of men/a man, that’s when the green eyed monster (jealousy) is highlylikely to show itself!

    Speaking of female competition and rivalry, jealousy is the cause of some of the most bitter plots, quarrels and rivalries between women, as well crimes. Moreover, we can attribute a woman’s jealousy (in part,) to an outraged sense of justice.

    **Due to this outraged sense of justice, a mother can be fiercely jealous of the success of another woman’s child, and attribute it to unjust preference from the teacher, the competition judge and so on.

    Jealousy; Among And Between Women – Female Jealousy And Insanity

    “Jealousy thrives on doubt and insecurity, becomes insanity (or ceases entirely,) when we pass from doubt to certainty” – François de La Rochefoucauld.)

    Did you know, dove, that jealousy toward another woman can be verging on INSANITY? It can be! That’s because an excessively jealous woman can become mentally unbalanced when she becomes overly concerned with hundreds of petty instances.