I was sitting in a Brooklyn coffee shop waiting for a weekend meeting (the hustle never stops) when I overheard a group of brothers behind me talking. Apparently one of them was “upset” about a sister that just walked out hand-in-hand with a…. drum roll please… White boy.
“Man, that’s wack,” he fumed.
“Yeah, ain’t no way he can handle all that,” chimed in another.
I peered back at the pretty brown mound on the sister as she exited, and I have to admit a similar thought crossed my mind. After a Twitter debate with the always-opinionated @JazzzyOne and several comments on my “catty women” post week before last I began to ponder the chain of events before me and came to the conclusion that men are catty, too—just in different ways.
This is no life-altering revelation for me, it’s just I don’t often attach the term “catty” to men and that’s why it wasn’t part of my op-ed on the subject the other week. We all know that men are competitive, that’s why there are so many damn sports, it’s just a little more “cordial” (for lack of a better word) among men.
But I’m getting of subject, so I digress…
When it comes to stereotypes, White men tend to get the short end of the stick (no pun intended). Allegedly, they have no swag, can’t dance and have small penises—among other shortcomings (okay, pun intended). So when a lot of man of color sees a White guy with a sister, his first thought generally is the aforementioned, “Oh, he can’t handle all that.”
Although quite a few Black men have been known to cross the racial line—myself NOT included—there’s still this double standard bias when it comes to women of color. Well, if she’s hot. There still might be some hating going on but a pass tends to be given on interracial dating if the sister is not up to par in the looks department. But if she’s hot—say like Kerry Washington—there’s this Black male hate.
It happens to the best of us. I remember a few summers ago going to a small get together at my boy Brian’s house when this fine sister came out of the bathroom. In my head I was like, Goddamn, who the hell is that? Then, to my surprise, she walked up to this White guy who was conversing with my homeboy and started rubbing his back. That’s when I noticed the wedding band on her finger. So not only did this White boy bag one of the hottest women in the room (Black, White or other) but he liked it so much he put a ring on it.
Damn, I mean, kudos.
Sure, looks aren’t everything and this fine specimen of femininity could have been a horrible person inside (she wasn’t #FML) but there was a brief moment of sadness that a sister that fine was “going to waste.”
Before I continue let me clarify that I don’t mean any offense by that last sentence or have an issue with interracial dating; I’m just keeping it 100% real on how some (Black) men feel in a situation like that. A lot of us just hate on the next (White) man who bagged what we couldn’t get and verbalize it in those words.
Later I came to find out that the White boy in question was hella cool and had his own swag. As we all got caught up in a game of charades later in the evening (guys vs. girls) I also saw he and his (Black) wife actually had a great chemistry. I’ll even go so far as to admit they make a nice couple, but had I let my own male “cattiness” get the better of me I wouldn’t have been open-minded enough to acknowledge that.
Beyond the issue of race, though, I think most guys—Black or White—would look at a hot woman’s partner with a hypercritical eye. It’s like the stand-up routine where Chris Rock joked about Jermaine Dupri dating Janet Jackson meaning “we all had a shot.” That’s not to say someone like JD couldn’t have a great personality (and loads of money) but when you think of a woman as hot as Janet you imagine a man of equal caliber being her likely suitor. So when you see someone you view as subpar or of another race doing what you wish you could hating just comes with the territory.
In my life I’ve secretly hated plenty of times (You mean she likes that dude over me?!?!? That’s the dude she’s talking to now?!?!?) but I never thought of it as being “catty.” In retrospect, though, hating is hating—even when you know you’re better than the next man. LOL
Do men of color hate more when a woman dates outside her race? Would you consider this behavior “catty” for men? Have you ever seen a hot person with someone “subpar” and secretly hated? Do you ever assume a White guy “can’t handle” a woman of color in the bedroom? Do you hate on interracial dating? If so, why is it of your concern? Do you secretly wish you had a chance to date the hot person? Have you ever dated outside your race? If so, did you feel that people of your own race hated on your relationship? Did you get more hate from the same sex or the opposite sex, if at all? Is the (Black) male ego to frail to handle a hot woman of color dating outside her race?
Speak your piece…