Do Black Men Hate Interracial Dating More than Black Women?

0 Posted by - September 25, 2011 - Relationships, Love & Marriage

[dc]I[/dc] was sitting in a Brooklyn coffee shop waiting for a weekend meeting (the hustle never stops) when I overheard a group of brothers behind me talking. Apparently one of them was “upset” about a sister that just walked out hand-in-hand with a…. drum roll please… White boy.

“Man, that’s wack,” he fumed.

“Yeah, ain’t no way he can handle all that,” chimed in another.

I peered back at the pretty brown mound on the sister as she exited, and I have to admit a similar thought crossed my mind. After a Twitter debate with the always-opinionated @JazzzyOne and several comments on my “catty women” post week before last I began to ponder the chain of events before me and came to the conclusion that men are catty, too—just in different ways.

This is no life-altering revelation for me, it’s just I don’t often attach the term “catty” to men and that’s why it wasn’t part of my op-ed on the subject the other week. We all know that men are competitive, that’s why there are so many damn sports, it’s just a little more “cordial” (for lack of a better word) among men.

But I’m getting of subject, so I digress…

When it comes to stereotypes, White men tend to get the short end of the stick (no pun intended). Allegedly, they have no swag, can’t dance and have small penises—among other shortcomings (okay, pun intended). So when a lot of man of color sees a White guy with a sister, his first thought generally is the aforementioned, “Oh, he can’t handle all that.”

Although quite a few Black men have been known to cross the racial line—myself NOT included—there’s still this double standard bias when it comes to women of color. Well, if she’s hot. There still might be some hating going on but a pass tends to be given on interracial dating if the sister is not up to par in the looks department. But if she’s hot—say like Kerry Washington—there’s this Black male hate.

It happens to the best of us. I remember a few summers ago going to a small get together at my boy Brian’s house when this fine sister came out of the bathroom. In my head I was like, Goddamn, who the hell is that? Then, to my surprise, she walked up to this White guy who was conversing with my homeboy and started rubbing his back. That’s when I noticed the wedding band on her finger. So not only did this White boy bag one of the hottest women in the room (Black, White or other) but he liked it so much he put a ring on it.

Damn, I mean, kudos.

Sure, looks aren’t everything and this fine specimen of femininity could have been a horrible person inside (she wasn’t #FML) but there was a brief moment of sadness that a sister that fine was “going to waste.”

Before I continue let me clarify that I don’t mean any offense by that last sentence or have an issue with interracial dating; I’m just keeping it 100% real on how some (Black) men feel in a situation like that. A lot of us just hate on the next (White) man who bagged what we couldn’t get and verbalize it in those words.

Later I came to find out that the White boy in question was hella cool and had his own swag. As we all got caught up in a game of charades later in the evening (guys vs. girls) I also saw he and his (Black) wife actually had a great chemistry. I’ll even go so far as to admit they make a nice couple, but had I let my own male “cattiness” get the better of me I wouldn’t have been open-minded enough to acknowledge that.

Beyond the issue of race, though, I think most guys—Black or White—would look at a hot woman’s partner with a hypercritical eye. It’s like the stand-up routine where Chris Rock joked about Jermaine Dupri dating Janet Jackson meaning “we all had a shot.” That’s not to say someone like JD couldn’t have a great personality (and loads of money) but when you think of a woman as hot as Janet you imagine a man of equal caliber being her likely suitor. So when you see someone you view as subpar or of another race doing what you wish you could hating just comes with the territory.

In my life I’ve secretly hated plenty of times (You mean she likes that dude over me?!?!? That’s the dude she’s talking to now?!?!?) but I never thought of it as being “catty.” In retrospect, though, hating is hating—even when you know you’re better than the next man. LOL

Do men of color hate more when a woman dates outside her race? Would you consider this behavior “catty” for men? Have you ever seen a hot person with someone “subpar” and secretly hated? Do you ever assume a White guy “can’t handle” a woman of color in the bedroom? Do you hate on interracial dating? If so, why is it of your concern? Do you secretly wish you had a chance to date the hot person? Have you ever dated outside your race? If so, did you feel that people of your own race hated on your relationship? Did you get more hate from the same sex or the opposite sex, if at all? Is the (Black) male ego to frail to handle a hot woman of color dating outside her race?

Speak your piece…

  • http://twitter.com/hobdragon Greg Dragon

    This is some real bitch-made behavior for any man and I haven’t heard brothers carry on like that since my HBCU days. Normally the guys I’m around will have jokes but that’s on everybody, it’s more about what a dude has or doesn’t have versus his race. 

    I’m seriously surprised by what you experienced and 100% disappointed.

    • Anonymous

      That’s a good point. I didn’t pay attention to the guys’ age (I’m a bad judge of age) but that may have very well played a factor in their reaction. That and just ignorance…

  • CaliDreaming86

    Men of color, specifically Black men tend to be bitter about a Black woman not being interested in them and dating a non-Black man.

    No, I wouldn’t consider the behavior as ‘catty’ as the term in itself is silly.

    No, I’ve never secretly’ hated’ when I saw someone who was ‘subpar’ with a ‘hot’ person.

    I’ve never assumed that a White man wouldn’t be able to ‘handle’ a woman of color in the bedroom. How does one even come to think something like that?

    No, I do not ‘hate’ on interracial dating especially since my interest in men does not include men of my race.

    Noooo, I’ve never secretly wish I could date the person.

    *THESE QUESTIONS ARE ALL VERY WEIRD.

    How anyone could find this behavior surprising is beyond me.

    • CaliDreaming86

      So, I went back and read the post and all I got from it was that Black men don’t like for Black women to be with non-Black men because that is one less woman who they can have sex with.

      • Nujabes

        Valid. But that goes with any women( no mattter the race) we see that’s taken and we’re into. The dudes described above just hating on an extreme because of the racial stereotypes that allegedly make them think they’re superior options.

        • Anonymous

          That superiority vibe is the truly disturbing aspect…

  • http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/ sunt97

    I do find men that hate on women for dating outside their race.  I always give the side eye and remind them everybody should be able to date anyone they want.  I have dated outside my race and I was bombarded with whys from black men.  I liked guy, he liked me.  For me that is all I need.  I even I had to point out that some of them dated white girls and they still felt I wasn’t giving the black man a chance.  Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

    • It’s All Gravy

      i see this comment was posted 2 years ago so i dont know when you gon see this response…but from my experience: yall dont give us a fair chance. for 1, yall make us work twice as hard to prove ourselves just off us being Black & male…2) yall always quick to compare us to the nonblack men yall was with anytime we dont do what yall want…3) as i aint no interracial dater myself, i got nothing in common with interracial daters & with that said, there was always conflicts plus i had to make way too many compromises because of this…other than that, i gives no fucks who Black women date

  • Anonymous

    Dude history. Black Women been dating whites for YEARS!!! just because we never want to talk about it doesnt mean it doesnt happen. Go to South America. Were you think all them light skin people come from? read up on some history, and you will find out. There is a reason as well why Latinas dont look full white. hint hint @history:disqus

    • Anonymous

      Point taken but dating and cultural rape during slavery/colonization are two different things.
      Not all them “light skinned” folks were made on purpose.

      #JustSayin

      Check My Interactive Business Card: http://about.me/anslemsamuel

      Sent via AnsBerry from NWSO-Mobile

  • Albert Powell

    I have no negative feelings toward anyone dating out their race. I think it’s great they’ve gotten over the divide. As a black man, I have no reason to feel any anger or disappointment when a black woman chooses to be with a man of another race. I don’t feel any ownership over black women, nor do we owe each other anything.

  • Jernn M Parks

    This is very surprising to me as a black woman because at least half of the black men I have dealt with (including my current man) have in the past or will date, sex or whatever any woman of another race. So to hear a group of black men ‘hating’ on a black woman doing her thing is kinda comforting.

    In 2011, us black women are telling each other to start dating out of our race i.e. the movies, the celebs, media blogsites…I personally have never dated out of my race (a puerto rican?) but because of how much I’ve heard the stereotypes aren’t true and women are finding great relationships outside of our ‘4 walls’ if my boyfriend and I break up I have told my friends…I’m trying the white…LOL

    At the end of the day it’s not about race it’s about finding the right person who is right for you, and he may not be in your race *should shrug*

  • Spinster

    Unless there’s some new law that’s come around that I didn’t know about, Black men don’t have ownership of Black women (or ANY woman for that matter). Black women (collectively) can date whomever they want to (individually) date and have every right to be left alone about that choice too. Black men (collectively) need to get over themselves and look at the (individual & sometimes collective) man in the mirror.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s more of an ego thing with those who think like this. Hence the “he can’t handle that” imply that because he’s a Black mandingo only he can.
      #shrug
      Check My Interactive Business Card: http://about.me/anslemsamuel

      Sent via AnsBerry from NWSO-Mobile

      • http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

        And they STILL need to get over themselves.

  • http://twitter.com/novelty718 JC

    Being a woman of color and one who is dating a white man I get looks ALL the time from black men. Some in wonder, some with pure disgust on there face. I remember when time when I was on the train with my man a black guy was mumbling in the corner, looking over at us. When he was getting ready to get off he came up to us and said “You too good to date your own race?”, my bf started to chime in and I held him off. I said “A) you don’t know me…my skin may be dark but you have no idea what race is mixed in and underneath…B) I date who is good to me…and if this man was green I would still be dating him. If he happened to show me that he was worthy of my love before someone else that is THEIR loss not my own.

    I do believe the “hate” comes taking a blow to their egos. Not my problem.

    My dad is Trini. His great-grandmother was Irish (half of what my man is), my mom was Guyanese and Portuguese.

    I used to look at couples and think “how can he/she be with him/her?” but then I started to think outside my box and stopped looking at the pretty package. If I was blind I would have nothing to go on BUT personality…so that’s what I focused on.

    • chelly-c

      You date who is good to you! AMEN Sister AMEN.

  • Rastaman

    One of my best friends from college was a sista who dated white dudes and I do not recall ever feeling any way about it.  It was not like if she was not dating them they she would be dating me and that was how I measure it.    I have had more than my fair share of women in my dating life and by most standards I am not even that aggressive about it so why would I be mad at some random dude whatever his race.  
     
    My friends are blended so most of them have crossed back and forth across that racial dating line several times or thy got people of different races in their family and so it is going to be hard to hate on a sista dating interracially even if that is their preference.  We do make comments on folks dating out of their league of course because you cannot help but notice that ish.
     
    Our commentary was usually about which one of the couple was “paying”; because based on the makeup of some couples I have seen over the years, someone had to be kicking in a little extra to paper over the differences.  What that extra was, well that was worth the speculation. 

  • Mslediva

    Love is love period. Get over yourselves. It’s a known fact that when black men make it big they dump us and break their necks to be with non black women. But when they see us with non black men, all hell breaks loose like the “he can’t handle all that” comments etc. Well here’s my question to all black men, why not be with the ones who were with you when ya azzez were broke down and destitute? At least that way you know you’re wanted for you and not for what you got.
    Oh! One more thing … the moment black men get in trouble or lose their money who they come crawling back to as if we should be happy …US! Get the F outta here with all your whining. 

  • Deka

    I don’t care about who people date. It’s 2011! what’s REALLY weird is when other black men are concerned with other black men dating outside their race.

  • Nujabes

    I think that form of hate is very weak & feminine. Sure you might sort of feel jealous because you feel like you are flier than xyz girl’s bf….but you still congratulate men of any race for getting themselves a fine woman. Instead of hating, we should be upgrading our game to bag ourselves a fly female.

       

    • Calidreaming86

      That form of hate is weak and feminine? How asinine does that sound!

  • chelly-c

    When a Black man hates on a Black woman in an IR relationship, it’s NOT about the women, it’s an affront to his EGO. Does he really really want her? That is debatable. These men are focused on the fact that a sista decided to “date down”because he knows for a “fact” that white boy can’t”put it down” like a brotha. It’s not genuine concern, it’s arrogance/pride. Lots of sistas are out there are with Black men who are “putting it down” but are crying to their GFs because he is not TREATING her right. If that was a backbone to every relationship then BW would date black men exclusively because we ALL know that them and ONLY them have the bizznizz….(insert sarcasm here). But I digress. Somebody making you FEEL good and somebody TREATING you good are two different things. Maybe BW are just fed up and want something different. You can’t take these Black men to heart. It’s not personal. It’s not  about the woman. It was never about her. 

  • Mommy T-Rex

    . I do date  outside my race and have for sometime. I don’t feel like the choice of ones mate is anyone’s business and is a personal choice. I have mentioned this to black men and been met with; what am I thinking, and the good old standby, about how there are good black men out there. I know that but it just happened to work out that way. Its not like I don’t find black men attractive but there seems to be no attraction, and I am of the life is too short to waste mindset. I would rather be happy with someone that I like,and very attracted to .I don’t want to feel like there is an “obligation” to mate and date them. I am wondering why the comment about how a white man can “handle” all that but , I guess alot of men have ignorance and their ego to contend with.   

  • Older & Wiser

    We really only have one race – Human! Our complexion just weaves the tapestry of our lives. I choose based on personality and compatibilty. With that criterion I have had crushes on an Iranian, Cuban, Panamanian, White and Puerto Rican. We didn’t get past the friendship stage but knew there was definite chemistry between us and flirted shamelessly in front of coworkers, friends and strangers – so there! The “couple” may have just been friends hanging out together, I do it all the time.

  • Mae

    As a black woman I don’t care if a black man decides to date outside the race. I always have and will feel this way, if that person makes you happy who cares and I thought that was the way black men felt about black women dating outisde the race. That was until the other day. I just moved to Chicago and I went out with some friends. This asian guy that was with us was trying to holler, so he asked me if I wanted a drink. We go to the bar and I see this black guy out the corner of my eye, I see his about to approach me. But he does immediately see my Asian friend, but when he does and realizes we’re together. The look he gave me, Sweet baby Jesus I’ve never seen anybody look at me with just disdain. He looked at me the way Queen Latifah did at Wesley Snipes in Jungle Fever when he brought that white girl to that soul food resturant. On top of this this dude caught me later by myself and asked if I was with that Asian boy and why I was with him. Honestly, it kind of hurt my heart a little. So now I’m not that sure if black men are that cool with black women dating people of other races.

  • Guest

    This may just be MY experience but I’m SO sick of black men not checking for me or saying stupid ish like “You’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl”…(Yes… that happened in 2011) THEN getting mad that I stick my toe in the water and go on a few dates with a white guy.  Maybe I just want to go on date with someone who sees me for ME rather than a “dark-skinned girl”  It just makes me beyond sad to read this because I really want to be that girl that black guys are checking for but they don’t.

    Oddly enough, this reminds of an episode of the Real World a few years ago.  This black guy on the show was as gay as the days are long but was pissed off that the black woman in the house was dating a white dude.  He had the same attitude as the men in the post. Weird and posessive as hell.

    • NYCsir

      I remember that Real World season lol

  • Guest

    Wait….why do they think they can “put it down” better than a white boy? Do they know that penis size is but one part of the infinitely complex act that is sex? If they want to stereotype(which is wrong in the first place), isn’t it a thing to say that a black man won’t go down on a woman? Or anal? Or take as much time to make sure the girl is nice and ready before giving it to her? Or not trying to get his before she get’s hers? You can only make these statements about individuals, and if I applied it to an entire race of people, I’d be seen as a caddy asshole.

    I promise you that between black men and white men, sex isn’t any better or worse. It’s just that they put it out for everyone to see more, which may be “sexier”, but from experience I know that the attraction is purely aesthetic, and once you’re in the sheets and know what you’re doing, the stereotypes are thrown out the window. People are ridiculous

    • Mommy T-Rex

      Yeah penis size is pure mythology. Race is not a factor.

  • Anonymous

    The question of the day is, “Why are people (in this case black men) so ignorant and childish as to “hate” on anyone in this world for doing something that they already do, used to do, or want to do?

  • ImAtPeace

    Im a black woman married to a white man.  We live in Europe where he is from.  The young African men here always comment.  When in the USA, only once did someone comment and that was a black woman.  Before marrying my husband, I dated white men exclusively.  But crazy enough, when out and about on several occassions, black men would state to me that they can tell that I date white men only.  My sister gets that, too, although she dates black men. My cousin’s male friends (who are black) always want to discuss why I dated in the past and married a WM, but they are not negative about it.

  • TrueStory

    I’m reading the comments here and realizing two things about the comments: 1. they are either from females bashing black men for their perceived hypocrisy or 2: from black men pretending ( or actually being ) very PC… most likely to impress the females who follow NWSO religiously and with whom they hope to someday hook up in real life. I could be wrong, but that’s what i’m seeing when I read the comments and I think its sad that no one has the stones to admit that they actually felt that way.

    So, allow me to inject my little piece of my reality on this topic. I will admit that I am one of those brothers who used to “hate” of sistas.. the attractive ones anyway, when they were with white guys.  Why did I do this? Was it about some dislike of interracial dating? No. It was more about the unfairness of the state of interracial dating as I saw it. Whenever I saw an interracial couple where the woman as black and the guy was white, they 9/10 times the woman was gorgeous. When I saw the opposite (black guy, white girl), the 5/10 times, the girl was unattractive, 3/10 times the girl was average and 2/10 times she was actually gorgeous.  In my mind, it was all so very unfair and I did have my share of resentment. It was as if the white guy had the pick of the finest females and black men had the left over dregs from the bottom of the barrel. 
    As interracial dating has become more popular or at least more open, this had changed quite a bit. Not both black men and white man have an equal chance of being with unattractive women of all races ;) J/K… sort of.  More to the point, I got older, got busy with work and developing a life and didn’t have time to give a shit about who was dating who and why. 

    True story.

  • Iliana_vasquez

    God made men and women different colors and races so that they can all be loved the same……..as a hispanic women I date black men but I also give other men from a different race a chance as well. this leads to the point of men of whatever race treating women like they deserve to be treated….and it doesnt matter if the guy is hitting it right..he is obviously doing something right she likes

  • Chasity

    I just found this site like 5 minutes ago, reading the post about natural hair and then I see this at the bottom and decided to click on it.Every kind of black platform always does this.I can’t read one essence or sis2sis magazine without this crap coming up and black people always bowing down to some other group of people whether it be white, Asian, etc.Can we ever have a platform where we just embrace ourselves and our people.The answer is NO.Glad I saw this because I’ll never visit this site again.Go ahead and worship whites, Asians, Mixed people, who cares! I don’t and I’m sick of always trying to follow black standards when you all really need to let it go.We are not a close group of people never have been and never will be because we always let other groups come in and take our shine and just when I was getting hope that black people are united in some way this post dashes it and has to remind how great white people are and how they get anything they want well you know what I finally get it and today from now on I will do like every black person does and worship white mixed Indian etc because this is all we can do and this is why God made us we are the only group of people who do this with our platforms.

    • Anonymous

      Peace, Chastity.

      Not sure if you’ll get to read this but just wanted to say thanks for your comment and contribution. Only thing is I don’t see how you got “White worship” as the message of the post…

      Either way, all the best in your journey  

  • Asen

    Hi! What makes me comment on this article is your honesty about feeling that stab of “hate” (or whatever is appropriate to call it ), when you see a black women with a white guy, even as you yourself are not really against interractial dating… Why is that the thing that really caught my eye? Well, I am an Hindu girl from India. And am in a relationship with a Muslim guy. He is the best thing that ever happenned tp me. And yet, it does not prevent those occassional stabs of uneasy feelings when I see a flowing. henna-died beard on the street. And then I would be laughing at myself for that… It’s sad, really… I hope to get over it one day… Strange how human mind works. I guess that the subconscious soaks up all the vibes around us as we grow up, and those linger somewhere in the mind, even as we do not consciously endorse them.

  • a curious guest

    I’m a male of mixed race (Indonesian, dutch, and german). I’m tan with white and pacific islander features but i also have a “jew fro” as some people say. lol I live in a city that’s predominate African Americans and Africans. I’ve have dated a few gorgeous black girls and I’ve been hated on by their families (for not dating a black man) and by a LOT of black guys we pass by in public. I’m not even 100% white and I still get mad dogged by black dudes. One time at the mall I felt like they wanted to fight me just because we were holding hands (luckily security was watching them). We heard them whispering hateful things. I’m currently dating a beautiful mocha princess (her nickname that I gave her lol) now who I want to marry and I just wish people would judge us off our relationship and not by our colors.

    Oh and another thing… I noticed that the African people who live here don’t really look at us much less judge us at all. It’s only African Americans that do and mostly by males.

  • Daverne

    Men are driven on looks a lot more than women. Women are more sensible and think about the whole package. Interacial attracation has always been there. Black women seem to have been the last to get their turn at socially acceptable interacial dating and marriage. Black women are now marrying white men more than ever before. I would like to hear from some black women that have married white men, on what they think this increase is due to. 

  • Sean

    My wife is black I am white male. I have a general question for black males. First off my wife is pretty much the epitome of a gorgeous thick black woman. I completely understand the stigma and hating. It comes to male ego. Anyway when it comes to our interaction with black men it usually starts off with a mean mug. I grew up and have mostly interacted with black people my whole life and feel more comfortable with black friends. After about a ten minute convo usually the guy has complete respect to the extent of ensuring everyone stays off my girl. Now with white men they will completely disregard respect and attempt to make moves behind my back. Not to sound cocky but I’m 6’4 225lbs in the military and a boxer and generally half these white fools are half my size, physique, and skill. Which raises the question “are they retarded”. My question is can anyone shine some light on the much appreciate loyalty and respect from black men?