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Have You Ever Dated Someone With Daddy Issues?

Posted by NWSO • October 10, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

My boyfriend talked to his father for the first time last month. He’s 32-years old and was always told by his mom that his dad was "worthless" and "left them all alone." Now he’s finding a whole new side to the story. Since then he’s distant to me and his family. He’s unaffectionate and isn't sure what to do at this point in his life.

I’m here for him no matter what but I know there are long-term effects that he is unaware of. I want to talk to him about going to counseling about the whole situation before he loses his mind. Do you know of any books or other blogs I could have him look into? I want so badly to help him, but his numbness towards his loved ones is making him feel like he’s losing feelings for me, and I think it's more to do with the fact that someone appeared in his life out of no where and it's really messing with him. Please help me help him?

Dear Ms. Supportive,

For clarity, I’d like to know if this "coldness" has always been there or just started in the wake of your BF meeting his father? I assume it's a recent change otherwise it wouldn't have been a relationship that you'd be fighting so hard for. But I digress…

Either way it sounds like your BF is trying to digest a lot emotionally and by society's design men aren't that good at dealing with emotions. For all we know, he may have had all this anger towards his father because of what his family told him and now that they met he saw a different side of this man he's hated for so long. I can understand how that can be confusing. Oftentimes, the only emotion men are "allowed" to show is anger but from what it sounds like your BF experienced in the meeting with his father that may not have been the appropriate reaction anymore. So it sounds like he's redirecting that to his family (and you) because they "lied" to him.

This is 32 years of built up anger and abandonment issues that have finally been put into some perspective. It's only been a month since the meeting with his father so he needs time to process it all. With that I'd say give him some space for a bit. He's probably a private man and doesn't want to "talk about it" right now. He just wishes things could have been like they were a month ago before meeting his father but it's not. Honestly, it probably would have been easier for him if his father was an asshole because he was prepare d for that, but to be greeted by someone completely different than he imagined turns his whole world upside-down.

Asking him to talk may come off as “nagging.” I bet if you back off a little bit and exercise some patience he'll openly talk to you when you least expect it. What you'd need to do if and when that happens is just listen. Let him vent and express himself without judgment or opinion unless that's what he wants.

On the flip side, he may not even want to share his feelings with you and show that kind of vulnerability. He may find better release talking to another man, someone who can relate from the male perspective. Is that the case or what's best? I don't know. It's just a possible option he may or may not explore. You can't decide the course of action for him to take only he can.

If this is a deep-rooted emotional issue for him, yes, counseling may be a good idea. It's an anonymous outsider that he can vent to. The only thing is a lot of people (especially men) have a stigma about counseling like it means they're "crazy" so he may not want to explore that. It may come off like a sign of weakness in his eyes and you suggesting it may make him think you believe he's “weak.” Not saying that'll be his exact response but it's a possibility if he's one of those "macho" guys. I’m not sure if your BF’s spiritual or religious but a pastor or some other father figure type may be able to offer a manly ear or shoulder for him as well.

At the end of the day all you can do is support your man in this situation. You can try to talk to him but that'll only work when and if he's ready to open up like that. What I hope is that this meeting with his father hasn't changed him completely and the man you love is no longer the same. I don't think it's that serious and a little space will help him clear his head. His issues are probably more so with his family than you, but sometimes when your whole world crumbles around you instinct is to push everything away and try to deal with it on your own. I've been there and pushed away a woman just like you who was trying to talk to me about my own daddy issues but I wasn't ready and didn't want to share that with her. I felt it was my burden to bear not hers. Funny thing is in the moment I was even angry with her for caring that much.

Unfortunately, I don't know of any specific books off the top of my head Hill Harper’s Letters to a Young Brother and Kevin Powell’s The Black Male Handbook may fit the bill, but I'm sure if you start searching online you may find some more.

As far as blogs go, I've penned a few about my own struggles with my father. Feel free to put "daddy issues" in the search bar on the lower left hand corner of the site and quite a few should come up, especially one called “Dear, Father (The Realest Sh*t I Ever Wrote)," which was the one where I wrote about confronting my own father and how that went.

Aside from that I wish you and he all the best and hope that he's able to sort things out with his family and, if he so chooses, his father. There are three sides to every story, yours, mine and the truth. Somewhere between what his family has told him and his father’s version of events he'll find the truth. Hopefully that doesn't come at your expense and your relationship.

God bless and good luck.

What do you think the emotional effects on child are when one of their parents isn’t there? Have you ever despised someone because of what others told you about them? Would you be upset to find out that everything your mother told you about your father turned out to be biased and a lie? Would you ever consider seeking counseling to deal with an emotional problem? Or do you think that’s only for “crazy” people? Have you ever dated someone with daddy issues? If so, did that affect your relationship? What advice do you have for this letter writer? Do you think there’s hope for her relationship?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: Daddy Issues, dear nwso

leraunch

Dating anyone with daddy issues is hard because you don't know how to help them through (even if you've been through it yourself). It's something that your BF will have to seek from a professional. All you can do is let him know that you're an ear or shoulder if he needs one.

I once dated a guy who watched his father drown. More than 10 years later, he was still dealing with depression and anger (things got really bad for his family because his dad was the breadwinner). There was nothing I could do but offer him the contact info for someone who could.
Rastaman

Based on my reading of her letter she has a very good grasp of the impact on her BF in re-connecting with his father what she does not know is how to deal with the effects on their relationship. My advice is give him space and but offer support so that he can feel comfortable working out these changes in his life. We too often undervalue how our parents shape how we see ourselves. So much so that 2 parents are seen as a good to have but not a need to have. Usually from the adults POV of course because very few people even inquire as to how the children may feels about it. I can categorically say that in my dating experience there are some very stark differences between women who had strong father relationships and those who did not. Generally, the latter group tended to exhibit behavior often tied to insecurities about being abandoned by their fathers which inevitably extended the men they dated. I have often found that a wall too high to scale because it was not about me but about their relationships with an absent father that no one could ever be a substitute. Even the best of parents will lie to their children if they think it will protect them from harm so it is hard to judge a parent who may distort the other’s image especially if they believe it is to protect the child. Too often protecting the child is more an extension of their own animosity about the lost relationship and it muddies the image passed on. Being a good parent does not automatically make anyone a good person and vice-versa. It often takes adulthood to inform many of us that no matter how much we cherish our parents they are flawed and sometimes they erred and did things that turned out be more damaging than beneficial. That is why I am of the opinion that we are all dysfunctional, the differences are in degrees. “Some things are not problems to be solved, they are facts to be coped with”
Jaclynsd

That was some really good advice and I think it’s even better because it came from someone that’s been through it. I hope she prints your advice out and maybe leaves it out somewhere for him to read. Hopefully she’ll print out your "Dear, Father (The realest sh*t I ever wrote)" too it may help him…when he’s ready of course. Sometimes we just need someone to connect to that understands what we’re going through.

To answer some of your question I don’t think counseling is for crazy people. Too be honest people that think that are usually the ones that need it the most. That’s like someone telling you, you need a life vest because the ships going down in the middle of the ocean and you refuse it because you’re a great swimmer. We don’t have the energy to “swim” trough everything in life, no matter how great you are at handling things you can and should use any extra help that’s available to you.

Not really sure if the relationship will survive to be honest. If it were his wife I’d say that this is another bump on the road, she obviously loves him and cares enough to write you, but at the end of the day it depends on the relationship. He may just find that she reminds him of a time in his life he wants to forget or move past. On the positive side if he decides to open up to her then maybe they have a chance of working through this together. I wish them the best too.

I’ve dated a guy (for a brief period) with daddy issues. He was so closed off and had to be in control of everything that it eventually I just had to let it go. Sometime people need to fall several times before they realize that those bumps on the road can't be ignored anymore.

Jaclynsd

oops not really sure why all those extras came out at the end. sorry

NWSO

Lol. Looks like your a skipping record.

I'll clean it up when I get back to a computer.

NWSO

Thanks sis. Much appreciated

Brandi_Taylor

Sometimes it depends on the circumstances surrounding the "daddy" issues. If he is a man that has had positive reinforcement in his life by other positive male influences then the anger will pass quickly. If he is someone who hasn't had positive male influence then get ready to either walk away, or be prepared to deal with a complete change in his demeanor for a while. Face it, until he learns to deal with his emotions by his self he is gonna seem like a stranger to you regardless! Somewhere in history men were taunt that it was a weakness to express how you really feel, which was one of the biggest lies ever told!
http://www.magz725.blogspot.com Maggie

I definitelnhavr daddy issues although he has been there all my life there is an emotional dissconection but I can't complain because the man has figuratively been there, I have however sated a uy who was harboring daddy issues and I only remember him speaking of it only once... I definitely don't think counseling is for crazy people but that's why I blog I feel better putting my troubles on the web rather than confining in another #trustissues lol