Should I Invite My Father to My Wedding?

As the clock keeps ticking on my remaining days as a single man (94 and counting), one prevailing thought keeps crossing my mind: Should I invite my father to my wedding? If you’ve read this blog for a while or had a meaningful conversation with me in real-life then you already know that my father and I don’t have the best relationship. There’s no real beef per say but he hasn’t been a part of my life outside of the occasional phone conversation and I tend to enjoy the gaps in between calls more than the actual calls themself.

The last time he and I spoke was shortly after I came back from vacation and during the course of our conversation I informed him that I’d gotten engaged. After he inquired about us having a date yet I gave him a tentative timetable and he asked to keep him posted as he’d move some things around if necessary to make it.

Uhm, thanks.

Basically, a man I hardly know invited himself to my wedding and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Based on the above conversation I actually had my father on my invite list (albeit with an asterisk). I mean, he is half responsible for my existence and the room is supposed to be filled with family and loved ones during your wedding. He may fit the first half of the bill by definition, but “loved one” isn’t a term I’d use to describe my father.

While extending an invitation to my father seems like the “right thing” to do, the more I think about it the less sure I am about that. I haven’t seen my father since September 1999, so that means there’s more than 12 years of unresolved issues that have to be addressed and my wedding day is neither the time nor the place I want to tackle that. Besides that if he’s maintained the same disheveled look I remember that’s not the person I’d like to present to my friends, family and new in-laws.

To the best of my knowledge, my best friend and his father didn’t have the tightest of relationship but they had a relationship nonetheless. I don’t have that luxury. I served as best man at my best friend’s wedding six years ago and watched as his father straightened our ties and pocket squares before passing on a few words of wisdom. Sadly, I don’t see the same experience in my future should my father attend.

I know that may seem like a negative way to look at things but based on my past interactions with my father I’d be willing to wager the outcome wouldn’t be for the best. The last thing I need on my wedding day is the added stress of a potentially embarrassing father roaming around the venue, awkward conversations and any tension between my parents. The more I think about it that asterisk by my father’s name is looking more like a big red X.

I find myself conflicted. Part of me feels obligated to send the invite to my father, while the other half just doesn’t want to deal with the potential drama. It’s a small wedding and I’ve been brutally succinct with whittling down my guest list to primary figures in my and my fiancée’s life. If you don’t know her name then you won’t make the cut. If you’ve never had a conversation with us together then you won’t make the cut. If neither of us has seen you in person in over a year then you won’t make the cut. If I hold true to that criteria then I have my answer because my father doesn’t qualify for any of the above.

I still have a week or two before invitations have to be sent out in the mail and while names are being crossed off and added, I’ll leave that asterisk in place until I make a final decision. Whether I do or I don’t extend an invite to my father it’s a decision that I’ll have to live with but for now I’ll just have to weigh the pros and cons until… I do.

Any objections?

Would you invite an estranged relative to your wedding? Do you think a lot of people wind up inviting people they’re not even close with to their wedding? Would you prefer a small wedding over a big one? Are there any relatives you’d be embarrassed to introduce to your in-laws? Do your parents get along? If not, would you try to keep them separated at your wedding? Is a wedding the wrong setting to have a reunion with an estranged parent? Do you think I should invite my father to my wedding?

Speak your piece…