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Am I Racist If I Don’t Date Outside My Race?

Posted by NWSO • October 17, 2011 • Printer-friendly

WORDS BY DREW-SHANE

Everyday we’re inundated by relationship books, corporate bought-out magazines, blogs, and conversations devoted to Black women and the struggles they face while dating. Despite this topic being discussed over and over and over again, we often forget that dating has much to do with personal preference and happiness, which doesn’t rely heavily on color boundaries.

From baring the economical brunt of the household to disparaging statistics surrounding advanced education, the white-picket-fenced image of a Black woman being content seems to be farfetched. So why won’t she marry someone outside of her race? In theory, doing so should solve all of her problems or, at the very least, give her more prospects, right? However, often these answers allude to hopelessness prompting Black women to consider other avenues.

The Internet has been abuzz with the recent release of Ralph Richard Banks’ new book, Is Marriage For White People?: How The African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone. Before you begin to wonder, the author of the most talked about book is Black. And so is his wife.

After reading the advanced excerpts from Essence’s September 2011 issue, I only imagined the amount of attention the book would garner. In the book, the Stanford law professor examines the relationships of Black women when it comes to interracial marriage. The author suggests Black women would benefit both themselves and the Black race if they decided to marry across racial lines.

From the “psychologists” researching if Black women are least attractive, to the myriad of “relationship experts” that dole out advice on what women are doing wrong, criticisms of Black women seem to be en vogue these days. And seeking solutions to why they have such a hard time dating never dies. Black women and dating will never become a lackluster topic. Regardless of polarized judgments, assertions and even sometimes-pointless commentary, the title alone used by Banks has gained much traction, discussing marriage and relationships issues Black women face on a daily basis.

There is a huge market dedicated to sensationalizing this issue. And not to mention, marriage itself is a huge cash cow racking in millions and millions of dollars each year. Black women are a driving force behind the economy. In fact, it’s been reported Blacks love to spend their disposable income even though studies seem to project our wealth levels are low compared to our spending power. Companies know this and work to ensure they entice the Black dollar. More and more products or “services” are being released targeting Black women and their “woes” of dating. Don’t be stunned that the media has an effect on how we view race relations when it comes to dating. Because various forms of the media have been objectifying the traditional couple for so long, researchers have started to generate a body of literature

There’s nothing wrong with having preferences when it comes to dating. But whenever we decide to limit ourselves, then we have to deal with the consequences or realities. If you want to limit your preference, I don't see the problem because you're going to have to deal with those restraints when finding a partner. You are allowed to have unwavering standards and choices, but at the end of the day you must be aware that those standards will limit your dating pool. Those who limit their possible candidates to one race should not be shamed. If someone chooses not to date outside of their race does not mean they’re “racists,” they just don’t date outside of their race.

Let’s not forget that interracial relationships are nothing new. Given the historical relationships between Blacks and the majority race, interracial couples have been around for many years—starting from behind Master’s closed doors. It’s difficult to paint all relationships with the same brush or color. There is no special technique when it comes to finding the perfect mate. The ultimate goal of marriage is for two people to be happy. Even though happy might sound like a place in a far off interracial land, if you decide not to date outside your race please don’t feel bad.

I know I wouldn’t.

Do you think it makes someone racist to only date people within their race? Or, does racism have nothing to do with romantic preferences and what someone finds attractive/ Do you think that women of color would have higher marriage rates if they dated men of other colors? Have you also noticed the media trend of bashing women of color? Why do you think Black women and their dating habits are under attack? How many of your female friends do you know that are happily married or at the very least on the path to marriage? What did you think can be done to change the trends? What did you think of Drew-Shane’s guest post?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: divorce, marriage is for white people, Marriage/Love

http://twitter.com/cameron_moore Cameron T. Moore

interesting premise but also interesting that a lot of races in general face the same issues.
AMR

Personally, i don't find anything nearly as attractive as a sexy, strong black man with a nice smile. If that makes me racist I will be racist all day long...
Shannon

Am I racist for not dating within my own race? I am a black woman and I don't date black men, as most of those who post here regularly know already. I have dated outside my race for most of my dating life and I don't see anything wrong with it. You know what you like, what you want and what you find attractive.

Now, a few years ago, I would have used this as an opportunity to "prove" that men, black or otherwise, were worthless and better off dead. (Strange what love can do to you, isn't it?) But everyone has their preferences. Do we assume that white people are racist because they don't date outside their race? Or Asians or Indians or Middle Easterners? Well, we know that some do and most don't, but that doesn't automatically make them any more racist than a black person who doesn't date outside their race.

I think racism has nothing to do with what you find attractive. If you happen to meet someone who is right for you who happens to be white, Indian, Middle Eastern, purple or green with red stripes and orange polka dots, then go for yours.

My anger at men was so ingrained, I almost missed out on something special with Dan. And I'm so glad he was so patient. And so glad that I let myself see him for the man he really is and not what I assumed him to be. He is white and 12 years' my senior and he is in love with me and I am in love with him and we are happy. And that is what matters most.
SoulSista#9

This is a very timely post. I was just talking about this with someone. I haven't read the book, but I did read the article in Essence including his disclaimers that his intent was not to recruit all black women to go and date interracially, but rather just to open up our pool. If I recall, his reasoning (in part at least) was that doing so encourages competition and shows that black women have options, and therefore will not submit ourselves to any and every kind of foolishness that comes our way. I understand that concept. In addition, I am not against true love and I believe that people are entitled to their preference, to the extent that they are not demonizing others for their choices and preferences. I would like to believe that I, myself, am open to others who may not look like me but will treat me the way that I deserve to be treated.

To that end, I have to admit that something about that article still rubbed me the wrong way. I still felt that the author was inadvertently telling black women almost to give up on our own. And it's not just him. I think that the onslaught of media "case studies" and discussions just adds fuel to the fire. It's almost as if the underlying message is that black people together are incapable of creating long lasting, respectful, and loving relationships. So you might as well give up and start looking elsewhere. That is a disheartening message and, frankly, I find it offensive. Yes, there is absolutely nothing wrong with falling in love with someone who is outside of your race. But conversely, there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with wanting to build a strong relationship with someone of your own. I love when I see a strong black couple in love. To me, there is nothing more beautiful. And the fact that nowadays, there seems to be some strange trend to criticize those that do want to stay within their race is baffling to me. People should not apologize for their preference. As long as they understand that others may feel differently.
http://twitter.com/novelty718 JC

It really is beginning to anger me that articles like this continuously get published. I haven't seen articles singling out Asian or Latina woman...Why are we so damn fascinating?
Love is love...attraction is not something you can control. My dad asked me over the weekend why I don't date black men. I just don't. My preference has always been Latin or Caucasian men. It is what I have always been attracted to and had more in common with...perhaps having black males (from a very young age) make fun of my correct way of speaking the English language or making fun of the type of music I listened to saying I wasn't "black enough" turned me off and put it in the back of my mind to not really look there way. But I have never purposely gone out of my way to date outside my race. I don't limit myself. I date men that have similar interest as me. If it happens that they are white or latin not much I'm going do.

I think the media needs to stop start focusing on dating and marriage and let things flow. Too many do's and don't's. Allow everyone to do them and keep it moving.
http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

Personally, a preference (or lack of preference) for skin color is the biggest crock i've ever heard. An even bigger farce is "i have more in common with people of xyz race". There are no character traits specific to a race so how the hell can you have more in common with someone because they are xyz race (which is different from your own)?

I am all for dating out of your race because people are people regardless of what color package they come in. But um, there's nothing wrong with dating within your race as well. And whenever i hear "i only date xyz-race-other-than-mine", all i can think of is Katt Williams when he said, if you are a grown (wo)man still talking about xyz-race of (wo)men "ain't $#it", then you need to evaluate what it is about YOURSELF that keeps attracting "ain't $#it" (wo)men!

Thats just me though.
Rae

A good friend of mine and I were talking the other day, and she said that Niecy Nash said "You need to start dating to your priorities and not your preferences." Hmmmmph. That's a statement right there if I have ever seen one.

Personally, I am open to the man who has the qualities I discern are the best fit for me. Older & wiser now, he may not be who I had in mind when I picture a mate but if you read widely, many women's partners are different than who they would normally date. I've learned as women, we can learn to love a man when he treats you right. He may not have been the tallest or the most handsome of the bunch, but when his heart and his actions can match up to his promises and words, then well, we have a winner right?

And yes, I'm thoroughly sick of the media talking about why I'm not married, what I can do to make that happen, how as a black woman I'm not as desired. They need to have a seat. It's only a distraction from the real issues that are plaguing the community. Real talk, if most of us wanted to be married and have done all of the legwork on ourselves to make ourselves better, there's no reason we cannot be married. But why would I want to be married just for the sake of saying I'm married? It's easy to say I do - it's much more challenging to keep your "I dos" in order.

And another point, why is it racist if I have a preference for someone who self-identifies as I do? Lately, I've been seeing all this mayhem that tells us it's racist when we're pro-black. Because I'm pro-black doesn't mean I'm anti-anyone else. It's my preference but that doesn't mean I only see one color. I see men of all races that are handsome and could/would or do make amazing husbands. I'm not sure what wrapper my husband will be gifted in, but at this point I'm more concerned with choosing the right mate than I am what color he is, etc. Love!
whylie2010

Do you think it makes someone racist to only date people within their race?I've had a White friend call me racist because I told him I generally only date Black men. I could see why someone would feel that way. However, if I met a man of another race who I found attractive, I would (and have) date them. I think the determining factor is when you meet someone outside your race, are genuinely attracted to them (beyond sexually), then refuse to date them because they are of another race, you may be racist. Then again, could a racist truly find someone of another ethnicity attractive (again, beyond just sexually, b/c we all know slave masters were racist but that didn't stop them from finding enslaved women sexually attractive)?Does racism have nothing to do with romantic preferences and what someone finds attractive?It doesn't always, but it could. Your preference could be based on what you've grown up with and not necessarily be about you finding another race unattractive. If you're not dating another race because you believe their features are fundamentally unattractive (i.e. a White male friend of mine who said he didn't date white women because "they are ugly and stupid"), that's racist.Do you think that women of color would have higher marriage rates if they dated men of other colors? Yes - specifically Black women. Other women of color (ie - Latina, Indian, Asian, etc) are having no trouble finding husbands within their race when they so choose. Black women are having the most trouble getting married within our race. Honestly, it seems that White men prefer Black women who are closer to what would be considered a West African aesthetic and/or phenotype while Black men prefer Black women who are closer to what would be considered a European aesthetic and/or phenotype (lighter skin, hair type, etc.)Have you also noticed the media trend of bashing women of color?Yes! Again Black women specifically (not other women of color). The American media bashes Black women AND men on a regular basis. Why else do you think people abroad (including people of African descent) have such a negative perception of Black Americans? It's a damn sad shame that this brainwashing is worldwide. Why do you think Black women and their dating habits are under attack? I'm a conspiracy theorist and I believe Black women and men were purposely pitted against each other (to begin with) to start the genocidal ball rolling. If we all stop marrying each other and stop having children with each other (or at all for those single women and men who don't want to have children out of wedlock), naturally, the Black race will die out. Entire races of people have and can be wiped out (how many Native American people have you met? Get my drift?). It's happening to Black people, esp Black Americans who have been here for generations.The criticism of our dating habits [those of Black women] is just a byproduct of the genocide and really beside the point. It's like asking someone with no control of a situation to take control of the situation. If there are five single straight women in the room and one single straight man in the room, what can those women really do? Four of those women (if any at all) will not get a man. It's the same situation on a grander scale.How many of your female friends do you know that are happily married or at the very least on the path to marriage? I've actually sat down and made a list before and more of my friends are married than not. It's about 60/40What did you think can be done to change the trends?Honestly? Nothing
knighthonor

problem is, you define the term "Race" with "Skin Tone". thats not what a race is.

Race is a genetic feature. which is why Forensic Specialist, can tell what race a person is from their DNA remains.

http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

Yeah...idk where you got that from. Most scientific scholars (that i've read at least) agree that race is a social construct based on skin color, eye color, hair texture, and the shape of the nose (i could be mistaken about that last one but i feel like that was on the cluster). The genetic differences between the established races are minimal at best. That is to say, there tend to be far more within group differences than between group differences.

As for that comment about telling race from DNA, that would be an educated guess at best based on the percentage of which established race expresses certain combinations of genes.

So no, no one is dating out of their race based on genes (gene expression perhaps, but that again includes skin tone)

Either way, like i said, putting a racial limit on who you'd be willing to date is silly. Intelligent, attractive, honest, and caring people come in all shades regardless of what one's previous experiences with a particular group may have been.

knighthonor

If "love have no color" then why does it
matter if black women who date only black men to do so? Why keep trying
to force interracial dating on black women who only date black men, if
love indeed have no color. Why is it when black women date only black
men they are limiting themselves, but black women who date only white
men are not limiting themselves? Why is it if you had bad experiences
with a few black men than you generalize all black men by the few you
encountered, but if you had bad experiences with non black men you only
judge those men who hurt and not the whole group? You tired of people
bashing your relationships with non black men, but you do the same to
women who are with black men. Double standards and hypocritical much?
NWSO

Yeah, I pretty much agree with you on this one.

Rastaman

I would never call anyone a racist for choosing to date only within their race/ethnic group; I would call someone a racist if they believe no one else should date outside their race/ethnic group. It is no one else’s business the race or ethnicity of whom others may or may not choose to date, so while we have our own likes or dislikes what is required is that we become tolerant of others choices.
This whole woman of color marrying interracially as a controversy is wholly an American issue. I have several black female relatives who live in other countries who are married and have children with non-black men.   It has never raised any issues within my own family and frankly I do not think it should be any ones business.
I do not disagree that there an inordinate amount of focus leveled on black women’s dating behavior but I have always felt this was the result of blowback.   Over the last 25 years, I can personally attest to hearing consistently and largely from black women “how black men ain’t shit”. Even Oprah during the 80’s did more than a few shows that reaffirmed that viewpoint to the point where many black males concluded that Oprah was anti black males.   The result is that there was a whole generation of black males who have seen no need to surpass much of those low expectations where black women are concerned.   As a result, even the men who would do better have succumbed as they saw the women giving positive responses to the trifling brothas. I hold no illusions about black male dating behavior because I have seen doggish behavior by men of all races most of my life but I remember one of my uncles who have a less than stellar rep when it came to women telling me that the stuff he gets away with he can only do with women who allow it.   So when he encounters a woman who is not seduced by his flash and dash, he just keeps it moving. I would never want to be my uncle; the only women in his life he has ever trusted were in his family.
My advice to black women has always been to approach dating/relationships like you would your job/career.   Most women go out and seek the jobs and career opportunities they desire, doing all the work they need in order to put themselves in the best position to succeed. I say apply that same philosophy to your relationships. Exercise your right to choose, do not sit around waiting to be chosen and take responsibility for your choices.   If he ain’t shit and you chose him, it was not only his choice it was also yours and so if things do not go as you hoped, you both share responsibility. Another thing when you come across women who are behaving badly, messing up in their relationships stop trying to excuse their bad behavior out of some sense of female solidarity. It is misguided and it does not help her, you, the cause of women or the relationship climate.
If Black women are under attack in the media, ask yourself why and by whom?
I like the contribution, keep it coming.
knighthonor

one thing I notice from this IR movement, is that they continue to bash Black Men, and say we arent useful nor needed, and that white men and other races of men fit their standards. all the time on the media, from these black women that are single, is the age old excuse that they are single because they cant find a black man that is on par with her. I am confused by this, since studies show, there are more Successful Black Men, than there are Successful Black Women. so I dont know where these BW are getting their facts from.

sunshyne84

successful and compatible do not go hand in hand

knighthonor

Hey Drew, I would like for you to do a article on Indian Women and Black Men. that should be interesting.

Drew

I don't think people care about Black men. They supposed to be locked up anyway or sorry baby daddies. Now who wants that?