Should Your Date Ever Ask How Many Partners You’ve Had?

Dear NWSO,

I met this girl about three months ago and so far things have been going good until she told me that she had sex with seven guys since she became sexually active—she's now 23. Four of these guys were guys she dated but three of them she says, “just happened.”

I don't have a problem with the four boyfriends she was sexually active with but the other three always bothers me because most of them I consider as one-night stands. She says one of them they were “talking” and the other seemed like she was basically forced into it, as for the last one I don't remember. This is what she says but sometimes it causes me to have trust issues about her past sexual life. The last three, which she never dated, was in a span of two yrs and I am wondering if three guys in a span of two years is a lot? I think it is but I need some opinions.

Honestly, I think you're blowing things out of proportion a bit but that may be me speaking as an older man with more experience and partners. Based on your reaction, though, I'll assume the real problem here is that she's had more partners than you and that's messing with your ego.

While seven partners by age 23 may seem like a lot to you it may not to someone else. What I've learned over the years is that it's not the number that matters but the quality and circumstances behind said number. You say that the four of the guys were folks she "dated," meanwhile the other three "just happened."

The circumstances I'd look at here is when these sexual episodes happened in terms of where she was relationship wise. Was she between relationships for two years and "just happened" to sleep with three guys. If so, that doesn't sound so bad, IMHO. Single people hook up and sometimes things just don't work out. Or did she "just happen" to sleep with a guy a month after breaking up with someone or cheating on a boyfriend. Those last two scenarios show a "looseness" or lack of commitment and would put her number up for more critique than just saying she’s slept with seven guys by a certain age.

Ultimately, the circumstances behind the number change the way the situation can be looked at. Someone being single for a few years and sleeping with someone isn't as bad as jumping into bed with a stranger right after a relationship ends or cheating on someone. Single people go on dates and sometimes that leads to sex even if there isn’t a commitment. And three men in a two-year stretch of singledom isn’t that far off track. If she had racked up that number in three months would be a completely different scenario.

In the grand scheme of things seven isn't that big of a number, but again that's all relative. When did she start having sex? How long were her relationships? If she started at 20 and racked up seven in three years that's way different than reaching the same number and starting at age 16 (one partner a year average). But if even that is too much for you and your ego then that's something you have to see if you can deal with.

If that’s the case what you really need to come to grips with is the fact that you shouldn’t be asking how many partners someone has had anyway—especially if you can’t handle the answer. It’s really none of your business and whether or not the person has been safe in their past is much more important. Whether she said two, seven or seventeen, you liked her before the question was asked and now you suddenly don’t because you don’t like the response to a question you shouldn’t have even asked in the first place.

Everyone has a past and who and what we've experienced is what makes us who we are today. Whether this woman's seven past partners were mistakes or not, they're part of her history and who she is. So you can either accept her past or not, but something as simple as a handful of miscellaneous lovers shouldn't negate her from your life as long as she was safe. From what you say it doesn't sound like she’s exhibited promiscuous behavior. At the end of the day, how would you feel if she or any other woman dismissed you for how many (or few) partners you've had? Think about that for a second and you'll have your answer on what to do.

Hope that puts things into perspective for you.

Do you think that seven partners by age 23 is “too much?” Is this guy overreacting? Is the problem likely his own ego and the fact that he hasn’t had as many partners? Would you lose trust for someone if you found out they had “a lot” of partners? Should someone’s sexual past be held against him or her forever? Do you think someone should ever ask how many partners the person they’re seeing has had? Is that information ever anyone else’s business but your own? If you were asked, would you tell the truth, lie or just refuse to answer the question? Are you looking forward to the Naked Radio Show?

Speak your piece…

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