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Is a Woman’s Life Incomplete Without Having a Baby?

Posted by NWSO • November 28, 2011 • Printer-friendly

TICK, TICK, TICK. That's the incessant sound of a woman's biological clock. It’s there from birth just ticking in the distance but begins getting louder as a woman inches towards her late 20s. It's around that time that most women seriously start thinking about making babies. They’re less concerned about career and homie-lover-friends and get this urge to find Mr. Right Now. That winds up being a good and bad thing.

The increased loudness of the biological clock leads most women to smarter decisions when it comes to men. No longer is every Tom, Dick and Harry allowed access to her body. And even those who are granted a booty pass get very short grace periods before the questions about the future and family come up. See, that's where the bad comes in.

Now there's nothing wrong with a woman who wants to have a serious and committed relationship with a man. The problem arises when said woman obsesses on the making of a baby over the actual relationship with a man. Some women are so caught up with having a baby by age X that they become every man's nightmare. Let me be completely honest, ladies, one of the fastest ways to scare a man off is to bring up babies and such too early. Again, I’m not saying there's any problem with a woman knowing where she's at in her life and what she’s looking for, but if by date three you're naming "our" future kids you have a problem.

Stop trying to beat the clock.

Yes, there are benefits of having a child by a certain age, but wouldn't most women prefer taking the extra time to find the right person to not only make the baby but also be there to support her and the child mentally, physically and financially? Or, are some women so worried about fulfilling their womanly destiny that they'll marry a man they've only known for six months because your 35th birthday is nine months away? Good luck with that.

Even before I got engaged my concern were more on the love between my then-unknown partner and her qualities as a wife, mother and equal. Yes, her ability to create life in her womb would be a factor, but not the determining one. Bringing a life into the world is a big decision. I refuse to be my father or anyone else like him who has no part in their offspring's life because of some beef with their mother.

A major part of avoiding that is selecting the right person to have a child with. With all honesty, that's something we should all think about before we lay down with someone. Condoms break, pills don’t always work, sh*t happens. We have to ask ourselves: Is this person I'm about to be intimate with someone I could see myself attached to for the rest of my life should they get pregnant? Most times, he or she probably isn't.

The sad truth is, in my heyday, more than likely I wouldn't turn down a roll in the hay with an emotionally distraught yet fine woman like Halle Berry. We're sexual creatures, we desire to have sex, but the process of creating life should not be something to cross off on a personal life's goal list. Most certainly not at the expense of an innocent child.

Trust me, that hurts.

(Some) women have to realize that men do have more time to become parents and not every man is ready when they are, but pressure is not the key. Neither is tossing the subject in a man’s face every chance you get. That's a surefire way to scare a man off. Doing so may unintentionally push the right man away.

Again, I’m not suggesting that a woman not be upfront about her relationship goals but you got to pace yourself. Men think about family and kids, too, but most guys like to be eased into it. Speaking for myself, if a woman is on that baby talk from jump that’s a definite turn off and that's hindering me from getting to know her because my feelings are: You're looking for a sperm donor, and we already know my loving runs about $1.08 per nut plus tax (see previous blog).

So to the ladies who are in a rush to put the baby carriage before the relationship; Can we get to know each other first before the next 30 years of our life are mapped out for us? And, hello, do the man get a say in this grand vision of us you have?

All I'm saying is this: Ladies, it's cool to want to have a baby, but it's even cooler to want to have a baby with someone who you’re mutually in love with. Maybe it's just me, but I think the journey to love should outweigh the destination of having a child because of some fictitious clock. Trust me, it'll all happen in due time.

TICK, TICK, TICK.

Do you believe women have a biological clock? Does some women’s obsession over having kids by a certain age get in the way of having a serious relationship? Would you rather have a healthy relationship with no child or a healthy baby but no relationship? Do men have the same biological clock concerns that women have? Ladies, would you be content if you never had a child? Or would you rather have a child by a certain age and worry about the man/husband later? Fellas, are you turned off by women who obsess over kids and marriage? Are you tuning in to the NAKED RADIO SHOW premier tonight on PNCRadio.fm?

Speak your piece…

NAKED RADIO SHOW PREMIERES TONIGHT!!!

In case you missed last week’s announcement, my online radio show launches TONIGHT!! 11/29/11 at 10pm EST on PNCRadio.fm. Be sure to follow the show’s official Twitter account @NakedRadioShow and “like” the Naked Radio Show fan page to keep abreast of what we’re doing, send suggestions for topics and questions. Most of y’all should already be following me @NakedWithSocks, but should also add my co-host Amy Andrieux @MissAimstar and her company @_theStarkLife as well. If you have a question you want answered live on the show hit us on the Twitter or shoot me an email at NWSO@NWSO.net. The show promo is below I hope you like tonight’s show. Wish us luck.

Tagged as: baby talk, bilogical clock, homie-lover-friend, Naked Radio Show, older woman, PNC Radio, relationship

Blackmenshealth

I think the question to have a child or not and WHEN is really up to the woman and her partner and in most cases, the woman has the upper hand on both counts. The idea of a woman's life being less than complete without a child is up to her. I mean too many amazing women from Oprah to Janet to Condi are not mothers but you'd be hard pressed to tell them their life is "less than." If Beyonce is right and "Girls run the world," then do the damn thang and keep it breezy!
VJ

What about the women who don't want kids? Y'know there are some of us out there... What's the male viewpoint on that? I've gotten a mixed bag of responses from men and women, most of which end in arguments where I'm defending my choice to not have them as people assume that's what completes a woman (because we all grow up wanting to be a wife and mother, right?!). I won't go on a schpiel here, mostly because over time I've realized its unncessary for me to defend my decisions... But I'm curious to know what are the real feelings behind this? Assuming it gets mentioned early on while dating is it an automatic deal breaker? When's the right time to bring that up?

Anonymous

I think it'd only become a "deal breaker" if the guy was looking for marriage and a relationship that went that route. If it's just too people meeting and having a good time and that comes up, I assume the average guy would be like cool because he's thinking about the now and not trying to be "locked down." Now, in the case of a guy that's on the marriage kick and sees family as the end all be all you would definitely have an issue. But like you said it's your perogative to have kids or not. Rather get that out of the way from jump so both parties knows where the other stands then it being a surprise after the marriage.

VJ

I agree. One of the main reasons I broke up with my ex is because he wanted kids and although he knew I didn't, I know he was hoping I'd change my mind eventually. Definitely didn't want to be resented later down the line -or resent him for making me have them. It is what it is.

As a rule of thumb now, I avoid kid talk (his or mine) unless I really think the relationship is going somewhere. I'm not of the "put it all out on the table, take me or leave me" type ...but I'm not hiding things either. I figure it'll come up when relevant right?!

Dr_bodie

I totally agree. Being a few months shy of my 30th birthday, I still don't see children in my future. I took the batteries outta that clock a looong time ago. I was once told I was selfish for not wanting kids...this was from a girl whose sister was pregnant but didn't wanna be! Me and God discussed my decision a long time ago, but if He's planned otherwise, so be it!

Anonymous

No a woman's life is not incomplete without having a baby. You can be happy and fulfilled without a child or a partner, though I admit that I am happier with my partner in my life than I was without one.

HOWEVER, that the biological clock is not an imaginary concept. Fertility drops quite a bit once you turn 30. By age 35 or 36, pregnancies become far riskier to the woman and fetus. By 40, you stand a better chance of miscarrying if you do get pregnant than you do carrying the pregnancy to term.

Whether a woman is willing to have and raise a child regardless of her circumstances is an individual decision. But to say that women shouldn't be in such a rush is fine at 25. It's not so fine at 35.
Rastaman

The issue as I see it is that sociology has outpaced biology.   Women no doubt have a biological clock as the amount of eggs they begin life with is being depleted on a monthly basis thus lowering the odds of a sustainable pregnancy.   On the contrary our social evolution has moved the age from where most women began to seriously envision a life with children and a husband from say 14 to about 25. That has narrowed the window for many women and from a rational viewpoint I would probably say it is not altogether a bad thing.   You see the world’s population is now 7 billion and somewhere along the line this much people are going to become unsustainable and so some women having no children or just one or two is a good trend in my view.
On a personal basis that all feels differently of course because subconsciously for many people having offspring is a way of keeping ourselves alive past that inevitable expiration date.   It is something that becomes most apparent when we hit that midway point: late 30’s, early 40’s and each birthday become more like countdowns. I am not going to fault a woman for being alarmed by her biological clock because I understand for many it goes much deeper than that but how do you articulate that you feel like you are losing something you never got an opportunity to fully utilize.
In an ideal world I would want every woman who wants a child to be able to have a happy and healthy relationship with the man who fathers that child. However that is not always possible and even where it is possible people don’t always make the right choices.   In another instance of sociology contradicting biology, we are oftentimes attracted to and become sexual with people who are just not good matches as parents or partners.   As NWSO so succinctly noted every time we have sex we have an opportunity to become a parent whether we take precautions or not.
Most women are not Michelle Duggars nor are they seeking a childless existence, very often their desire to have a child are a response to a biological imperative embedded in their DNA passed down from our ancestors. An imperative that corresponds to men’s desire to have sex sometimes it becomes in entwined in our gender identities.   As our society projected views of femininity and masculinity are wrapped up in bearing children and fathering children.
http://www.fromraewithlove.com Rae

I believe many of us have the clock. However, I had to shut mine down because it causes you to make dumb ass decisions in the process. One of the greatest gifts I have the ability to give my child is the choice of their father and someone who really wants them and is excited about their life into this world. So, why not wait. I am definitely on the other side of the clock at this point. However, I also made the decision that I would adopt if the urge became too strong and I wasn't married or in a serious relationship. There are many amazing children out here who need our love, care and guidance. So, it's something else for those of us who want children to consider. Even our nieces and nephews and our God-children - also children we should consider caring for and looking after.

Within the last couple of years, watching mostly all of my friends get married and have children, or re-married and add children, I have taken into account the sheer responsibility of being a mother and a parent in addition to being a wife/spouse/partner. We need to be as ready and as settled within ourselves as possible. So, when the time comes and it's right, I will be glad to meet each of my children. Until then, there's no rush.
Anonymous

My life is ordered such as this: I serve God, who is the creator and author of time. No, I will never have kids unless I'm married, and I am certain of this. But when I do get married, no matter how young or old, kids will come when and how God wans to them. And even if everybody stares me in the face at 40, or 45 if I have a child, I will laugh like Sarah laughed in th Bible, because my baby will be just fine and me and my husband will take good care of it. So, I think no woman should sweat the biological clock. All things happen in Gods time. When we try to rush things or make them happen sooner or later, then everything goes wrong.
jaclynsd

I agree that SOME women make poor choices on men because they let their biological clock dictate their partner. I know a woman (37) for example who’s going to marry a guy that clearly cheats on her all the time because according to her "everything else is perfect except that" Um excuse me when did infidelity become the one exception?
I also agree with VJ that there are some women (maybe more than you think) who opt out when it comes to having kids. Kids are a big responsibility and the reality is that even if you’re in a great marriage children bring a lot of frustration and problems. Some people just love the idea of something…like a wedding, but not a marriage, children but not actually having to raise them. Everything sounds great when you don’t have it and yes when the clock is ticking. This is true for men as well. I’ve met a lot of guys that think just because they’re ready for marriage & kids, means that every woman they meet is ready for the same thing. It’s like we’ve just been sitting here waiting for him to appear. SMH
Having children should definitely be a choice, (and a well thought out one) not made because of a ticking biological clock, or just because society has dictated you should have/want one just because you have a womb.
Yoprivateparts

Still Ticking

I think its unrealistic to date a woman over the age of 28 and not expect the discussion to take place. I'm not saying by the third date but within the first 90 days of knowing that person you should know where he/she stands on family and having children. The need/want for a child for most women is a measure of life's success. And while we can all agree on the accomplishments of Oprah, Condi, and Janet I bet if you ask any of them they will tell that not having children was a conscious decision and definitely not an easy one. No woman in her right mind wants a loveless relationship and if she is discussing having children with u you have likely met a list of requirements. If those requirement aren't extensive enough for you then you should consider upgrading the type of woman u date. Just one woman's opinion