You are here: Home » Dear NWSO, Naked Radio Show » Are Men Worse at Dealing With Heartbreak than Women?

Are Men Worse at Dealing With Heartbreak than Women?

Posted by NWSO • December 19, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

It's been a year since my ex broke up with me and I’m still hurting. Why do women feel that men don't hurt as much as they do when we get our hearts broken? I know I have to get over this at some point, but this break up really hurt! What should I do to get over her?

Dear Heartbreak Kid,

First and foremost, I’d like to commend you for reaching out and expressing yourself and your feelings. The common belief (by women) is that men don't have feelings. That we're just big horn balls that only care about getting laid and that after a breakup we don't really care because it's usually so easy for a man to sleep with someone new. Most times that's just a distraction because men don't generally attach emotional intimacy to the physical act of sex. But the fact of the matter is that we men can be hurt the same as a woman—I know I have.

It may be a year since your breakup and you’re wondering when the pain will subside. Unfortunately, there's no set timetable for how long it takes to get over someone. Actually, the fact you know that you're not over her yet puts you in a better space than someone who thinks they are but continues to bring emotional baggage along to the next relationship or jumps from relationship to relationship and never deals with the unresolved issues. By you acknowledging your hurt you’re not misleading yourself into thinking that you’re ready to move on.

Hate to say it but what you need is more time. How long that is for you, I don't know. But one day you're going to meet someone that's just going to make you forget about the ex and realize what that relationship was in your life for a reason and ended for a reason. Or, you just may need a conversation with your ex to have closure on the situation—get some stuff off your chest to the person that's the cause of the drama. Unfortunately, your ex may not be open to talking after all this time and/or she might not even give you the closure you’re looking for. So what you really need to do is discover what it takes for you to find that peace of mind. While it’d be nice to get that closure from her, but you have to find that within yourself.

The one thing you have to be careful of is not letting this turn you into a bitter dude, where you're so scared of getting hurt that you start being an a-hole to other women. You could wind up pushing off the right one. Of course natural instinct is to protect your heart after you’ve been hurt and that's smart but if you never allow someone else in how can you ever find a replacement love? But remember the ultimate love is love of self, so you have to discover how to love yourself enough so that you can have the space in your heart for a new love interest, because no one can ever truly love you if you don’t first love yourself. Take your time young man and as the days keep on ticking by the pain will feel less and less.

Good luck

Do you think a year is too long to be heartbroken about a breakup? Do women think that men don’t get hurt the same way as women? What’s the longest amount of time it took you to get over a breakup? How do you get over someone that broke your heart? What advice do you have for this young man?

Speak your piece…

BONUS: Click here to see photos from the NWSO birthday/holiday party on FB fan page
NAKED RADIO SHOW EP 003: BABYMAKING VS. MONEYMAKING

Tagged as: breakup, dear nwso, heartbreak

http://pulse.yahoo.com/_H5SCLOYMNQWBAASSWZM2WSFOVM Shannon

It's harder for men to get over a breakup because they (usually) don't have a support system in place to help deal with the pain. Men don't go crying to their homeboys or their mamas about a breakup and what do we usually tell men who are tripping over something? We tell them, "Man up and get over that ish; you'll be alright."

But is that the best way to comfort a heartbroken man? Of course not. But men are taught not to show their feelings and to act as though nothing bothers them, which is why women often believe men have no feelings. I firmly believe if men acted like things bothered them, actually acted human instead of like robots, women--in particular--wouldn't treat them as though they don't have feelings.

My bf and I had a fight a few nights ago. My issue with him was this: he was married before and got divorced and he was really hurt. The problem was, he acted like a total dick toward me; he was emotionally distant, criticized the shows I enjoy watching and told me he wasn't the type of man who bought flowers and went out on dates. I told him a relationship is not just about him and what he wants and he blew me off, like he always does, and I asked him if he wanted to be in the relationship and he said no. So I said, "Fine, go f*ck yourself and I hope you choke on that damn pizza you just ordered, you palefaced bastard." Silence. I expected to hear the phone hang up, but I heard a sound I'd never heard from my bf before. The man I'd loved for the past year and would relocate for--and did--was crying. I immediately stopped the car. "Baby, what's wrong?" I asked him. "Shannon, that really hurt. Why would you say something like that?" I was stunned. He always acted like nothing ever bothered him, ever, and I never thought my words would bother him. He wanted to get off the phone, so I let him go.

It was that moment my bf became human. We talked later and he admitted he was still hurting over his divorce and maybe he did need to talk about it, but no one ever wanted to listen. It was hard for him to admit he was hurt and his knee-jerk reaction was to shut everyone out. He talked and I listened. He seemed to feel better, but I told him the worst thing he could do was become bitter because then she--ex-wife--really would win. His best defense would be to meet someone else and be happy. Let her be miserable by herself. But he should be his best self to the next woman as he was for her.

Be the best self you can be. Learn from whatever issue led to the breakup--and be honest with yourself if you were the problem. Then you can correct it and then give yourself time to heal so you can bring your best self to a new relationship later on.
jerica douglas

i haven't been in a relationship in a little over 2 years. it took me probably a year to realize that he wasn't coming back & that i needed to move on.

but i didn't realize that men had feelings until a few months ago.
i was friends with a guy for a while & then we started "messing around." we messed around for about 6 or so months & then he all of a sudden stopped talking to me. why? he started catching feelings for me & i guess that catching feelings for me weren't his intentions. so he stopped talking to me to stop feeling the way he felt. that was my first time experiencing something like that so i didn't really know how to handle things. i'm still getting over that. i probably would be over him now but due to the fact that we're on & off . . . it's extremely hard. it does take time to get over someone who you were serious with.
Anonymous

My experience has been that my last ex crushed me when we broke up. I didn't see it coming nor did she give me any signs that she was unhappy... When I think about it, she never allowed me in to love her. She made me pay for other guys hurting her. For five years I thought we were good... Guess I was wrong...

I have since taken myself out of the relationship game. Too painful to deal with a broken heart again. Good thing about it all, I still believe in love. I still am a romantic. Still believe in marriage and all that it encompass. I just don't want to get hurt again. I like what I have read here and will keep these points in mind when it comes to my future...

Yes, we men do get hurt and when we do some of us take it really hard...

Anonymous

5 years?? that's a long time to be with someone & then just end it for no apparent reason.

Anonymous

Obviously, I was more into the relationship than she was. I really don't know what made us break up. I know that everything wasn't always good between us, but she wanted to check out her options, (that was her quote to me). I would like to blame it Facebook, her new friends, but the real truth may lie in the fact she wasn't as in love with me as I was with her. It's all good now. Whatever the reasons, she is off living her life and I am rebuilding mine. I hope she found her happiness...

jaclynsd

I think the reason women think men don’t have feelings or don’t feel as hurt as we do is because they put up a good front. I mean especially because they move on to the next so quickly, especially sexually. So it tends to make us think men are over it or they never really cared that much to begging with. We (most women) understand that men don’t equate feelings to sex but when you don’t voice or show emotions many women tend to think that well maybe there aren’t any.
So maybe if he did get a hold of her and voice his opinion/feelings about the situation he may get closure. My thinking is that men have such a harder time getting over things because they hold so many things in and like NWSO mentioned never heal from the experience before getting into another relationship. Good for him though for reaching out and looking for some answers.
Rastaman

@font-face {
font-family: "Times New Roman";
}p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }table.MsoNormalTable { font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }

Heartbreak hurts like a mutha!

But like most disappointments it should not kill you under
normal circumstances. You heal,
you put your heart back together and you live because life is just for
living.   I cannot really
pinpoint how long it took me to get over my worst heartbreak because I think in
some ways one never truly gets over heartbreak. The wound may heal but the scars will always remain, a
constant reminder to mind your heart even when you feel the need to devote it
all.

Like all other falls, you will be down until you decide to
get up and those who are successful at love are those who get back into the
game after enduring a loss.   My
experience is that not everyone who breaks your heart actually hurts you;
sometimes they help you more than you know. They help you to realize what it is that is truly
important. Far too often we get so
caught up into the hurt feelings that we miss out on the lesson, the
opportunity to become more in touch with our true selves. There is no pleasure in heartbreak;
none that I have experienced but I have also come to know that love can be even
better than you ever thought it could be pre heartbreak.   But one has to be able to get
beyond the hurt and live.

Most men cry in the dark.   That is generally where the rest of society expects us
to cry because the only public acceptances of male tears are tears of joy and
death with the latter being a recent development.   I don’t think that alone is the reason women think
most men don’t have feelings or those feelings are not hurt.   If women did not think men had
feelings they would not engage in so much verbal assaults on thee men in their
lives. Many women are led to
believe that by virtue of their gender they have an innate expertise on feelings
or the expression of emotions but what I see often is women expecting men to
react with the same emotional responses has they do. Absent that you have no feelings when the truth is more you
did not react like she wanted you to react.      When someone says and does hurtful
things to you and then attempts to explain it as their attempt garner an
emotional response it is akin to stabbing someone to see if they bleed because
you have never seen them bleed.
Personally, I see behavior like that as cue to start asking yourself
some hard questions about how they truly feel about you.
Iijns8658

@Rastaman
Lady Belle

Wish more men would comment. It's a lot of women still talking about how men feel.
Cam

Hey there, by no means should a man or anyone feel like they need to get over heartbreak in an allotted timeframe. Like many people have already said...it takes time to heal and it's only in your best interests to let yourself do that. Reflect on what happened, understand what you can learn from it and once you're ready you'll be able to start dating again, meeting new people and learning about what you're looking for in a meaningful relationship (unless dating for awhile is whe your interests lie for the time being).

My heartbreaks tend to be more intense than long usually, but for about 2-3 months the last thing I wanted was a relationship and echoes of my ex haunted me. That's why it's also extremely important to go out with friends or family and do fun things to keep life moving and create new memories. It all adds up for the good trust me. I suppose the timing worked out for me because I took a small trip with my buddies and checked out another city for a week in July.