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Is It Okay to Have a Crush When You’re in a Relationship?

Posted by NWSO • December 21, 2011 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I asked a guy friend of mine, "What's this thing going on between us?," which I refer to as crush (it's actually more than that for me) and he called it sexual tension. Does this mean he just wants to hump me and offer nothing else? It’s weird, though, he says he would never touch me because I'm not single. What do you think this all means?

Dear Ms. Curious,

First off, if you're “not single” (aka in a relationship); why are you concerned with what this "thing" is with another man? If you're in a committed relationship there shouldn't be any room for other "things." Beyond what's going on with the guy, the real question is what's going on with YOU!

From what you wrote it seems like you're interested in some "thing" or, as you put it, a "crush." How would your BF feel about this "thing" between you and this other man? More specifically, how would he feel about you calling it a crush, which means you feel something and it's not just the guy chasing you.

Whether you call it a crush and he calls it sexual tension, you're basically playing with fire. If there's an underlying attraction on both sides and you're trying to stay in your current relationship, then your best bet is to stay clear of this other guy. It can only lead to trouble. One drunken night or emotional argument with your BF and you could potentially cross the line with this crush.

This "thing" makes it seem as if you're not fulfilled in your current relationship and see something in this other guy that piques your interest—be it physical, emotional, whatever. Again, if you're committed to your current relationship you need to re-evaluate things and do what's best for you. Personally, I'd rather someone break up with me than cheat on me. Not saying you are going to cheat and it may be a "harmless" crush but put the shoe on the other foot and think about how you would feel if your man had a "thing/crush" with another woman.

As for the question about him calling it sexual tension, it is what it is. I see sexual tension as meaning there's a strong attraction and attraction usually leads to sex—unless someone messes up. LOL Does that automatically mean that's all he wants because he describes your chemistry as sexual tension? I have no idea, you have to be the judge of the extent of the relationship and the underlying emotionally connection between a person to gauge whether or not it's just sex.

The fact of the matter is sex makes things blurry for folks and a man or a woman could feel as if they really like a person when in fact it's the sex they’re curious about. I always say that men's moment of clarity comes after the sex because that's when he's thinking clearer because sex is out of the way, and women's moment of clarity is usually before sex because that's when her guard is up and she's suspicious of the guy's intentions but after sex she thinks he automatically likes her because he slept with her—unfortunately that's not always the case. Sometimes, (for a man) sex is just sex, not a declaration of one’s level of commitment to something serious.

At any rate, my advice to you is to stay clear of this guy—especially if you care anything about your relationship. You don't need the temptation or the distraction. But if you find yourself still thinking about him, then you really need to evaluate your current relationship and see what it is that's missing that you can either fix or need to move on from. No point wasting your time or your BF’s if you’re no longer emotionally invested in the relationship.

Is it okay to have a crush on someone when you’re in a relationship? Do you think it’s a good idea for someone in a relationship to remain friends with a person they have a crush on? Does sexual tension automatically mean that a person only wants sex? Can sexual tension lead to a committed relationship? Do you agree that men’s moment of clarity comes after sex and before for a woman? What advice would you have for this woman?

Speak your piece…

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Tagged as: Ali Larter, crush, dear nwso, emotional cheating, Idris Elba, obsessed, sexual tension

Enid Wilson

She's the itch and he's the intention. I think they will end up in bed and someone will get hurt. Time will tell how things will develop.

My Darcy Vibrates…
http://twitter.com/EroticaTales Miss-E

I think it's normal to have some sort of attraction to someone other than your significant other at some point and not act on it...but in this case, I agree with nwso when he says that she's playing with fire and is probably unfulfilled in her current relationship which is why she's even proposing this question in the first place or even cares if she gives it up will he not offer anything else after the lust is gone. Either end the relationship with your beau or your "friend," this is obviously not a platonic friendship and the both of you clearly want to take it there but the fact that she's currently unattainable is a cute little game that they play that could get real messy and hurt someones feelings.
Anonymous

In a word, NOPE! If you have a crush on someone when you're in a relationship then, your relationship is in trouble... Something is not being met in your relationship if you feel you need to look elsewhere... Plain and simple, NOPE! It's not cool at all to have a crush on someone else when you're in a relationship!!!!
Anonymous

if you're in a relationship . . . there is NO need for you to have a crush on someone else. well, unless you aren't happy in the relationship you're in . . . but still.

it's hard to be in a relationship & still remain friends with someone you used to like. what if old feelings resurface? what will you do then? sexual tension doesn't necessarily mean that all the other person wants is sex. but you'll know that they are sexually attracted to you. i don't think it'll lead to a committed relationship. but that's just me.
http://ladyngo.blogspot.com/ LadyNgo

Just because you have a crush on someone doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your relationship. Just because you got a man/girl doesn't mean that suddenly every interesting and attractive person is going to suddenly disappear off the face of the earth. Be real people! Now, if you find yourself wanting to act on that attraction and/or put yourself in situations that would make it easier for the side action to happen: THEN there's a problem.

http://twitter.com/MsNikki0312 Nikki P.

I completely agree. To say that if you're in a relationship and you're attracted to another person means your relationship is questionable is a bit much. Lets be realistic its natural to find another person attractive. It where you go with that attraction thats makes your relationship questionable. But clearly shes seeing more than a crush with this guy if she's actually asking him whats the story between them two. She definitely needs to go the other way if she wants to keep her current relationship...the grass aint always greener on the other side.

http://www.wotarticle.com/ articles on relationships

She better be careful spending some time with her guy "crush" friend because it might lead to something unexpected. Good thing, her guy friend clearly stated that he will not touch her because she's seeing someone else. It's also okay to have a crush on someone, because "crush" is only an "admiration" for a certain quality of another person, just be careful not to fall in love.
Potato_with_Jive

I'm in a happy relationship with my lady but i notice beautiful women. No harm done right? Long as i don't act on it right? I had a similar conversation with my guy friends recently. I was asking if that feeling we get, the feeling of wanting to be with other women, does it ever go away? Can we as men just shut it down? Do i want to shut it down?

The answers i got from both single and married men was some form of, (sigh) "Not really"

Is there really no hope? Is that just part of a man's burden/challenge?

Anonymous

I feel like we never go blind, but the measure of a happily married/committed man is looking (or even admiring) but realizing that what he has at home is better and/or not the risk of losing for some unknown pretty thing*

*Not calling women things, just a phrase, ladies
ChuckieCharles

Agree with NWSO, Once you become commite, beautiful women don;t magically turn ugly.. Wish it was but it ain;t. But i do make sure that if there is a woman who might be the "hot fire", I know to STAY AWAY. Don't even open the door or give it the opprotunity. I think that's true love, not a "warm, fuzzing feeling" but a "consious choice" to love. Gotta do it everyday...

IshakPasha

Very interesting post. I've kicked it with a taken woman who was kind of stepping to me and I could've seen us cross the line. Any taken women sitting within the vicinity of a guy she's into is basically positioning herself to be slept with. It's inevitable.
Hornycouple4u

We have been swinging for several years and enjoy the lifestyle, and like to meet other couples and singles. We are amazed how much the swinger community has grown over the years.

We party all the time at a local swingers club in Mississauga, and also meet other swingers at The Happy Hedonist website, http://www.HappyHedonist.com
Saraprinsesa

for me having a crush when you are in a relationship is ok. depending on what having a crush means to you. if it is like you like his attitude or the way he interact with others its ok. but if you are having thoughts of doing something that is not to be done when you are in a relationship then that is bad.