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What’s So Wrong With a Husband Having Girlfriends?

Posted by NWSO • March 2, 2012 • Printer-friendly

WORDS BY THE LOVERS ROCQUE

Before I realized my wife was the one, she was just one of many. Prior to making our relationship official two years ago I had been a happily single man for just under a decade. During the course of my extended bachelordom I accumulated a sizeable amount of female “friends.” While some were friends of the platonic variety, a fair share of them were women I may have been intimate with, gone on a date(s) with or simply had a crush on. Regardless of the individual back-story, I operated under the pretense that these were my friends and we’d hang out on occasion or catch up via a phone call. While such occurrences have been far and few between as I’ve focused more on my freshly-minted marriage, I saw no major issue with meeting up with an old friend that just happened to be female—and may or may not have seen me naked.

That was until a recent conversation with my wife.

I’m not sure how we got on the subject of the last woman I slept with before her, but my wife asked if said woman happened to come back in to town and asked to meet up would I. Pondering the question before me for a moment, I replied honestly: “It’s quite possible. I mean; I still consider her a friend. What, I can’t have friends?”

“I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with that,” she replied. “I don’t think a husband should have female friends his wife doesn’t know.”
While the scenario was completely hypothetical, it led to a healthy conversation that every married couple needs to have at some point. I’ve always said that a relationship is doomed to fail without trust and communication, and those were the factors at the heart of our dialogue. Without a doubt my wife and I have trust for each other and we constantly work on our communication, but the issue here was about the potential actions of others.

Whether or not I hang out with an ex or any other female friend, the discomfort comes into the picture when my wife doesn’t know the other party. So while I don’t think a husband or wife should automatically cut off friends of the opposite sex once he or she says, “I do,” there are certain guidelines I believe one should follow:

Click here to read my three tips for having friends of the opposite sex when you're in a relationship...

Definitely want to hear you're thoughts on this one: Do you think it's okay to maintain platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex once you're in a committed relationship? Or, is that just asking for trouble? Does it matter if you've been intimate with that platonic friend before? Do you think the person you're dating should control who you call "friend?"

Speak your piece...

Tagged as: cheating, communication, Ebony.com, friends of the opposite sex, love, Marriage/Love, platonic friends, relationship, The Lovers Rocque, TheLoversRocque.com, trust

http://ladyngo.blogspot.com/ Lady Ngo

Platonic is the key word in this equation! How many men and women have 100% platonic relationships from both sides??? Not many.
Anonymous

Do you really want me to comment on this???? LMAO!!!

Anonymous

Yeah, so you think once you're married you should not have any friends of the opposite sex ever in life then?

Anonymous

Nope, that's not what I said... It's what and how thy wife feels about it... LOL!!!

It's a tricky thing... It really depends on who you marry to tell you the truth...

I was just thinking about my own marriage (divorced now), my ex wife couldn't handle me having female friends unless it was friends that she brought into the marriage...

Strange thing. I had to get rid of all my female friends and she gave me new friends... Her friends... go figure... LOL!!!

Anonymous

lol at "gave you new friends...her friends" Hope she kept the receipt LOL

Anonymous

It's true... Funny thing though, some of her friends sided with me and remained my friend after we were divorced...

So, I say unto to you because I know you were just married (Congratulations) that depends on the woman you marry... LOL...

Sandi

Oddly enough, I dont feel comfortable if I am not friends with the wife (or girlfriend) of my male friends...in my world platonic friendships exist so there is nothing to hide.....none of my male friends have tried to "hide" me either which makes it easier on the friendship. Some wives I may not be that close with but I went to the wedding and I guess they just arent interested in being my friend like that lol
Paulette_bajan_gal

My friends came with me into the relationship ...I'm not giving them up for new dude.Sorry.My man definitely has some trust issues when my phone rings but I have no problem with him answering it.Also we came with experiences before each other and I don't think I need to have tabs on every single female he talks to or hangs out with.

And I certainly do not want to meet every female friend of his he slept with.lol.Just like he doesn't want to meet any male friend I've slept with.

We don't stop living because we're in a relationship.When I got divorced our friends acquired during the marriage chose sides.I was actually insulted cause it showed me that these folks were only friends with "us" as a couple and not "us" as individuals.

I actually met you NWSO kinda sorta in that same scenario.lol.I didn't choose sides when your BF broke up with my BF at the time.But his new wife sure wasn't having none of his female friends in his life.You gotta trust your man ....not sure why some females have to be that drastic once they get a ring on it.the poor fellow may need those friends if the relationship doesn't work out and she takes hers with her.
Rastaman

I read this and I started laughing because I pictured you metaphorically shrinking as your wife expressed her view on the matter.

Anonymous

You disappear for weeks to pop up and poke fun at me? SMH

LOL

Rastaman

I am not poking fun, I am simpatico. I think that
conversation has been replayed over and over in many a newlywed household.
Where the rules of whom your friends are become arbitrarily re-written.   I cannot say I would be comfortable with a
spouse censoring my friendships.   Unless
there is cause, generally something beyond “I am not comfortable…”; plus I don’t think there can be a hard and
fast rule for every couple, this is another one of those many things that folks
have to learn to negotiate amongst themselves.

I consider many of my friends like family I got to choose
so if someone even my wife wants to make a case that I should no longer
associate with that person they are going to have to come with something
substantial.   I think there is a
tendency in many relationships by one partner to attempt to isolate the other
partner. It is not always nefarious but
it can become so.
I am still here son, just stretched....

jaclynsd

To be honest not only should it be up to you and your wife but
up to the other person too. Meaning if we slept together and you are now
married…sorry I have no business having lunch w/you. Yes, I know how to behave
and so do you but we use to sleep together and had some form of relationship,
so out of respect for your wife I’ll just keep my distance. If you want to text
me how I’m doing cause I’m sure in the course of our relationship we were
friends then that’s cool, but to me your married and in a loving relationship, and I’m
no longer part of that so out of respect for your woman (wife) and so there is
no questions or confusion I’ll just see my way out of it.

Marriage has its ups and downs and I don’t want to be
having lunch w/you when you’re having your downs. See what I’m saying? I’ve had
plenty of guys call me about problems w/their wives and my response was always…well
talk to YOUR wife about it and maybe you won’t have those problems.

Anonymous

To each, his or her own. I think people need to be mature enough to know who makes their partner uncomfortable and to know who is an ex that really isn't/wasn't a friend that needed to be in your new life moving forward.

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Guest

google: polyamory (responsible non-monogamy) to find out how to properly handle having boyfriends/girlfriends while married.
Lonias

The advice over at ebony.com was spot on! Weighing the significance of certain relationships, regardless of gender, is important when you are sharing your life with someone. So many times, people want to stand on the principle of maintaining individuality in a committed relationship (can't I have friends?) rather than taking a concerted effort to see the issue from the SO's/spouse's point of view. Many of these friendships are shallow and said "friend" would understand, anyway.