Why Won’t a Man Call Me After Sex? #RhetoricalQuestion

0 Posted by - March 6, 2012 - Dear NWSO

[dc]Dear NWSO,[/dc]

I met a man last year—we’ll call him “Darryl.” I had just turned 21 and was starting to discover all that nightlife had to offer in the city where I live. I was out one night with a good friend when he first approached me. That first night I didn’t realize who he was, so I totally blew him off, and then went about my business. It wasn’t until months later that I realized Darryl was a very well-known man throughout the city.

We innocently exchanged contact info one day via Facebook, so he could “keep me informed.” Over the next couple months I would continue to see him at different events. Then Darryl started texting me, saying things like, “We should hang out” or “grab a bite sometime;” but our schedules never seemed to sync up. The first time we finally met up, it was for lunch during my break at work. We hung out sporadically a few more times over the following months, and would chat every day via text message.

One evening after an intense make out session Darryl revealed that he had feelings for me. Then, a few months later, he asked me to go to New York with him for the weekend. We stayed at this nice hotel right in Times Square and went out for dinner and dancing every night. During that weekend we had sex on two separate occasions. I’ll admit they were not my best performances. I was so nervous both times. Physically, Darryl is perfect—tall, GORGEOUS, fit body, manicured hands and feet, basically, aside from being blessed, the man takes care of himself very well.

On our last day in New York I asked him what he was honestly looking for, he told me he’s been in a long-term relationship before, and wasn’t looking to get back into that again “at the moment.” I took that as he just wanted to fool around, no strings attached, and I decided I was fine with that since my intent was not to date him. Despite his physical attributes, I already knew he wouldn’t make a good boyfriend. That day I half jokingly said that once we returned home I would probably never hear from him again now that I’d given it up to him. He assured me that was not the case. Once we did get home, though, I didn’t hear from him for nearly a week. This was a devastating blow to me for many reasons. Then he finally did contact me, but the amount of dialogue we had was becoming more infrequent. I simply assumed that whatever had transpired between us was just a fling and moved on.

About a month later he contacts me and we make plans to hang out at his place (which I had never been to). After about an hour we start kissing and touching and the next thing I know where going at it on his bed. Again, not my best performance (damn nervousness!). Over the next several months he continues on with his sporadic pop-ups. Whenever he did text me he would say things like, “I miss kissing you” and “when are we going to hang out again?” Whenever I would try to make plans he would constantly flake on me, disappear for a few weeks, then pop back up and apologize for standing me up. Mind you I’m seeing activity all over his Facebook and Twitter!

My friends advised I stay away since he was so flaky, and I’ve tried ignoring him, but I have a weakness for incredibly gorgeous men. This guy makes Denzel look like Dave Chappelle. I’ve always been confident in my own appearance, but in all honesty, I feel like a troll standing next to him. Also, I’ve seen the kind of women that fawn over him and the types that he’s dated, they all damn near look like supermodels and video vixens. I’ve asked him why he keeps blowing me off and if it’s because he’s dating other people, or has a girlfriend—he denies both but I’ve completely stopped initiating any contact with him.

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  • Anonymous

    Well, I didn’t a call because the sex was like a taking a defensive driving course… LOL…

  • PrincessP

    I like your response NWSO. I too was disturbed by how much she played down her sexual performance, what is that about?, and never go away with someone you are not in an exclusive relationship with. Anyway, I have been 20/21 and got caught up, learn from your experiences.

  • MommyTRex

    It bothered me because the writer kept downplaying herself. The lesson here is not to have sex so quickly and get to know someone. Even at 21 life is too short to waste your time with people that don’t have your interests at heart, he didn’t.  
    Lesson learned?

  • Lou

    NWSO, you are awesome. That is all.

  • Amicus

    I love how you called her lost one :D. But seriously, where has she been for the last 21 years? I feel like you’d have to live in a cave or with your head in a hole to be confused by this guys behavior. Is “men will use you for sex” even a news flash anymore? IMO, the naivete displayed here is seriously disturbing. Great response though ;)

  • Melyssa

    You broke it alll the way down NWSO!!!  I hope she chalks this up to one of life many experiences and move on UNLESS she is cool being a jumpoff/cutbuddy/booty call, which nothing wrong with that if that’s what she really wants right now,  #NoJudgeNoJuryHere

  • Anonymous

    What we believe to be true about ourselves is what shows up in our life. Life is a mirror and reflects back to us what is going on with us internally.

    Underneath this story of “Why Won’t He Call Me” is a woman who does not truly believe she is worthy or deserving of unconditional love. The roots of her nervousness during sex is thoughts of “I’m not good enough”, the jokes about him probably not calling was really her revealing what she believes to be true. It’s not surprising that she thinks he makes “Denzel look like Dave Chappelle” because it reinforces a deep seated belief that says “See you can’t have anything that beautiful or special”.

    Life is having a conversation with her and giving her an opportunity to shift these false beliefs about who she is in Truth. My question to her would be “Who or what experience told you that you are unworthy, less than or undeserving?”. Through the course of our lives we acquire beliefs about the world around us from those who took care of us (or didn’t), from our childhood experiences and watching everyone and everything around us. As children we’re unable to critically look at a belief system and decide if it fits for us, we just accept it. As she begins to uncover the roots of her self worth challenges, she can replace them with the Truth that she is perfect, whole and complete just as she is. Because of this she deserves the best and only the best. Once she embraces this worldview, her experiences will change. Life will mirror back to her this new Truth.

  • Litabia

    I think your advise was right on point. She wasn’t interested in dude until she found out who he was, and if not finding out where things were going were vague the going out of town is not a great idea. She knew he would use her as a booty call. Most of all she should learn to love herself first before trying to be involved with someone else that she basically idolize. She young so there is time for her to learn that this happens just don’t be a fool twice.

  • jaclynsd

    I loved this comment “As for him
    being 10 years older that doesn’t necessarily mean someone will be more mature
    just that they’ll have more tricks up their sleeve.” EXACTLY!

    I find it really sad too that she
    stated a few times that it was her fault the sex was bad. I think everyone has gone
    through that where they don’t think they’re great, but if you have the right
    partner and he makes you feel comfortable then why would someone continue to be
    “nervous.”

    NWSO was right on in the letter and
    it comes off like advice from a good friend or older brother. Her biggest
    mistake was thinking that one; he would be mature because of his age, and two
    that his intentions would match his great looks. She’ll learn though and next
    time I’m sure she’ll base things purely on how someone makes you feel rather
    than status and looks.

  • Coco Black

    As always spot on advice!!…….

    She’s young..I do hope this is a lesson for her. She’s also very insecure but a lot of young females are at her age. However, she needs to fix up and cut the dude off….blank his calls and under no circumstances respond to any texts or messages. She will look back on this in the future and think ‘what the h8ll was I thinking!!”….:-)

    I hope she listens to the great advise she was just given

  • http://ladyngo.blogspot.com/ Lady Ngo

    I feel bad that i laughed so hard at this. I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt that she was young and inexperienced and thus didn’t have her glasses on to read what was so explicitly written on the wall. You are a cut buddy. After time 1 or 2, it should have become obvious. I think the whole “downplaying” of her performance is just a defense mechanism so she can say maybe he’s not calling because i wasn’t at my best rather than facing the reality that dude just wanted to beat. 

    Well, you live, you learn (hopefully) and you move on.

  • Jacqueline

    Find yourself someone else sister!!!  He’s leading you on. He probably is seeing someone else and the more you give the more he’ll use. And for all you know he could be on the downlow!! And quit putting yourself down.

  • Angellitluv65

    i went thru the same situation….. dude is good looking n cocky. He’s down right sexy and yummy… he wanted to hit it but i told him i wasn’t ready to lose my virginity…..but we did some nasty stuffs…… he started acting like he owns me….. yelling at me on the phone, hanging up on me in a middle of a conversation….. sometimes avoid replying my txt. So i told him, n i quote “go to hell i d’t need u to complete me, i got beautiful face, big ass n boobs, getting my master’s degree in nursing, its your lost”…. I’m not egocentric or narcisstic but women should know what they worththey they are worth. He’s cute so u will let him disrespect u n respec another woman ho doesn’t give him the attention? Why can’t u be that woman. Earn the respect n stop this low self esteem issueu got. He’s cute my ass

  • Rastaman

    So according to this young lady, she expected to get played, she got played but she wondering why old boy still wants to play her.
      
    These are the pleadings of a naive chickenhead.  While her naivety may some day be overcome by experience, her chickenhead nature requires much more character work that I doubt will happen.   Some of the earlier commentators have noted the obvious low self-esteem but I seriously doubt she will find any value in those inputs.   For her self esteem is entwined in a perceived ability to sexually gratify and based on her
    revelations she was not up to that task.  

    There is always a tendency to want to put the blame on the men in these situations and Ms Thang was hoping to exploit that tendency in order to claim the victim status.   But victims are generally unaware; with
    knowledge and forethought young lady you are a co-conspirator in your own being “dogged”.  

    I can hope that you take this experience as a lesson that no one will care for you if you do not care for yourself. You get treated like a lady when you behave like a lady; if you go out there and behave like a tramp that is not only how you will be treated but also those are the kinds of men whom you
    will attract. 

  • Guest

    Great advice but my only beef is how everyone is blaming the girl.
    Yes, she was naive, but why no responsibility on the dude? I feel like some people are ok-ing his behavior. He said he wasn’t looking for a relationship. He didn’t say I just want to use you for sex, pop up when I can’t get it elsewhere, and I’m a dog. Some dudes need to be more honest and stop using chicks. It’s annoying when this type of behavior is seen as the norm because as a woman who doesn’t condone this ish, when you check dudes for this type of behavior they think I’m the one that’s wrong or not normal. Women know your worth, but men need to step it up too. If all you want are cut buddies, cool no shame in your game, but the reality is these dudes are not being straight up with these chicks.

    • http://twitter.com/goldeelocks1908 Goldeelocks

      Well put. 

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