Tag Archives: Why I Got Married

How I Met My Wife – The Story of Us

[dc]I[/dc]t’s still hard to believe that I’m actually married, but that’s my reality and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Just days after jumping the broom my wife and I jumped in the hot seat and sat down for an honest interview on the Naked Radio Show. After tackling a Dear NWSO letter about a young man dealing with the guilt of knowing his friend’s partner may be cheating, my co-host Amy “AimStar” Andrieux and show producer Chad Scott took over and grilled my wife and I about our love affair. We spoke about how we met, our first date, why I broke her heart by falling in love with someone else and how we were able to bounce back from that. We also get into the details of the wedding and why we opted for such a short engagement. It’s a rare glimpse into the private life of NWSO with the one person that knows me best, so check out the conversation below and enjoy.

Tune in to the Naked Radio Show every Tuesday night at 10pm EST on PNCRadio.fm. If you miss the live broadcast you can always subscribe to the podcasts, which can be found at NakedRadioShow.Podomatic.com, iTunes, or here on Naked With Socks On. Also, be sure to follow the show’s official Twitter account @NakedRadioShow and “like” the Naked Radio Show fan page to keep abreast of what we’re doing, send suggestions for topics and questions. Most of y’all should already be following me @NakedWithSocks, but should also add my co-host Amy Andrieux @MissAimstar and her company @_theStarkLife as well. If you have a question you want answered live on the show hit us on the Twitter or shoot me an email at NWSO@NWSO.net.

Where Should I Go for My Honeymoon? #SupportBlackLove

[dc]B[/dc]y the time you read this I will have already jumped the broom, leaving behind my life as a single man forever. Unfortunately, three days in to wedded bliss and I’m already back on the grind. Tonight—January 17, 2012—yours truly will be speaking alongside author/dating coach Tionna Smalls (What Chilli Wants) on a panel entitled The Young & the Restless: A Survival Guide to Dating, Mating, & Exploring NYC. Presented by the New York Urban League of Young Professionals, the discussion takes place from 6:30-8:30pm at NYU. CLICK HERE for more info. Then right after that I’ll be on air on PNCRadio.fm from 10pm-12am for another edition of the Naked Radio Show (click here to subscribe to the show’s official podcast). Tune in tonight as we have an extra special guest—my wife, as the tables get turned and my co-host Amy “AimStar” Andrieux and show producer Chad Scott interview myself and my new bride about the wedding and our new life together. #Awwww

So why the hell am I doing all of the above and not off enjoying my honeymoon somewhere exotic? Well, with the cost of the ring, a short engagement, and the recession, we just couldn’t do it right now. Instead, my wife and I (still got to get used to that) opted to do an extended weekend “mini-moon” for now and aim for a summer getaway in a few months. However, we still have wedding-related bills to pay off, so rather than a traditional gift registry we went with a HoneyFund, which is basically a way for friends and family to contribute to portions of your honeymoon rather than waste money on gifts you really don’t need.

My wife has always dreamed of going to Japan and I’ve always pictured myself enjoying the Hawaiian beaches with my then-unknown bride. With that said, we’re aiming big and trying to hit both destinations this summer, but that all depends on how much we’re able to raise on our HoneyFund over the next few months. I’ve never been the type to ask anyone for anything but a closed mouth don’t get fed, so if any faithful Sock Heads reading this is down to #SupportBlackLove feel free to CLICK HERE to make a contribution to our HoneyFund or spread the word to someone else you might know who would be interested in supporting our dream honeymoon. Thanks in advance either way.

We’re still waiting for pictures from the wedding but for those that missed the engagement shoot we did at the end of the summer, you can peep our pictures on Essence.com and on BlackBridalBliss.com.

What do you think about the idea of doing a HoneyFund instead of a traditional wedding registry? Would you consider doing that for your own wedding? Where would you want to go for your dream honeymoon? Can you believe that your favorite blogger is now married? If we don’t raise enough funds to make it to Japan or Hawaii, where do you think we should consider as an alternate destination? Do you #SupportBlackLove?

Speak your piece…

REMINDER: Tonight January 17, 2012, yours truly will be speaking alongside author/dating coach Tionna Smalls (What Chilli Wants) on a panel entitled The Young & the Restless: A Survival Guide to Dating, Mating, & Exploring NYC. Presented by the New York Urban League of Young Professionals, the discussion takes place from 6:30-8:30pm at NYU. CLICK HERE for more info.

NWSO PRESS: Be sure to pick up the February 2012 issue of Essence magazine (Gabrielle Union & Dwyane Wade), which features NWSO as part of a round table discussion on the new relationship rules (pgs. 78-82).

DON’T FORGET: Tune in to the Naked Radio Show tonight and each and every Tuesday night at 10pm EST on PNCRadio.fm. If you miss the live broadcast you can always subscribe to the podcasts, which can be found at NakedRadioShow.Podomatic.com, iTunes, or here on Naked With Socks On tomorrow. Also, be sure to follow the show’s official Twitter account @NakedRadioShow and “like” the Naked Radio Show fan page to keep abreast of what we’re doing, send suggestions for topics and questions. Most of y’all should already be following me @NakedWithSocks, but should also add my co-host Amy Andrieux @MissAimstar and her company @_theStarkLife as well. If you have a question you want answered live on the show hit us on the Twitter or shoot me an email at NWSO@NWSO.net.

Malice of the Clipse on What Makes his 20-Year Marriage Work

[dc]I[/dc] can’t believe it. My wedding is just four days away and I’m a mix of emotions. Excited. Anxious. Ecstatic. Happy. Stressed. Ready. But in the weeks leading up to my nuptials I’ve been seeking the counsel of those who have walked down the aisle already and have figured out how to make it work through the good times and bad. Oddly enough, among one of the people I spoke to was Gene Elliott Thornton, Jr., who most people will know as Malice of the Clipse.

Talking to a rapper about love and marriage might not seem like the best course of action, but I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing Malice a few times and despite his public persona he’s got a good head on his shoulders. Besides that he’s been married to his wife since ’91, so that’s 20 years of experience and knowledge that a soon-to-be newlywed would be a fool to not tap into. So during a recent interview with Malice about his first novel, Wretched, Pitiful, Poor, Blind and Naked, I asked him about what keys opened doors to a happy marriage and here’s what Malice had to say:

“Oh, my goodness, [laughs] I don’t think you’re ready for this. Faith is the foundation. It’s the floor plan to my marriage. Faith and forgiveness lay the ground rules… It’s just a big part of it and I think that as… and I got to choose my words carefully, but I think, not just Black people, but in our culture and I do believe it’s culture in general… I’m just so focused on my culture that it’s just very relevant for us, but I think that many times we give up on those who we claim to love or we know we’re in relationships with.”

“I think the divorce rate, which I believe is 50/50 or somewhere around there… I think we give up too quick and I think we’re too quick to get rid of a person and I just think that we need to work with each other more. I think that we need to be more understanding, because I don’t think that you’re ever going to find that perfection; you know? I think that relationships and marriage especially is about working with one another and loving each other so much that you know you’re able to forgive and be willing to compromise and work out some things and I just think that we give up too soon, so I think that faith definitely plays a part in building strong, lasting relationships and sometimes you just have to go through the fire to be purified.”

After dropping that gem, I had to ask Malice about the one thing he wished someone had told him before he got married that would have made the whole process easier and he responded with the following:

“Let me see, something that someone could have told me… Yes, and this may not go for everyone, but a lot of people… Actually, it’s really not something I wish someone told me, but a lot of people would tell me, ‘You got married too young,’ or a lot of people may say, ‘You got to go out and experience the world,’ and I don’t necessarily subscribe to that.”

“I think the fact that you know I did get married at a young age definitely is a plus and you know is an asset to a marriage, not that everybody should run out and get married young or whatever, but I don’t think that’s it’s a bad thing to get married at a young age. At any age it’s going to take work, you know what I’m saying? It’s going to take work, but all this ‘go out, live your life, do this, do that…’ I mean, I don’t subscribe to that. I subscribe to you find that person who is special to you, you love each other, and you want to get married and have children and that’s what you do.”

Malice definitely gave me a few things to think about and apply to my marriage, but I’m hungry for more. So tune in tonight at 10pm EST to the first Naked Radio Show episode of 2012 on PNCRadio.fm as I continue the conversation by sitting down with more married folks to get insider tips on what it takes to make a marriage work for the long haul.

What did you think of Malice’s perspective on what it takes to make a marriage work? Were you surprised to get that kind of insight from a rapper/entertainer? What role do you see faith playing in a long-term relationship? Do you feel that people give up on their relationships and marriages too easy nowadays? How much effort do you put in to making your relationship work? Do you think that people should be a certain age before getting married? Or that getting married too young will have people wondering about what they missed out on? For those that are married, what advice do you have for someone about to walk down the aisle? What do you wish someone told you before you got hitched?

Speak your piece…

DON’T FORGET: Tune in to the Naked Radio Show tonight and each and every Tuesday night at 10pm EST on PNCRadio.fm. If you miss the live broadcast you can always subscribe to the podcasts, which can be found at NakedRadioShow.Podomatic.com, iTunes, or here on Naked With Socks On tomorrow. Also, be sure to follow the show’s official Twitter account @NakedRadioShow and “like” the Naked Radio Show fan page to keep abreast of what we’re doing, send suggestions for topics and questions. Most of y’all should already be following me @NakedWithSocks, but should also add my co-host Amy Andrieux @MissAimstar and her company @_theStarkLife as well. If you have a question you want answered live on the show hit us on the Twitter or shoot me an email at NWSO@NWSO.net.

NWSO SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT: On January 17, 2012, yours truly will be speaking alongside author/dating coach Tionna Smalls (What Chilli Wants) on a panel entitled The Young & the Restless: A Survival Guide to Dating, Mating, & Exploring NYC. Presented by the New York Urban League of Young Professionals, the discussion takes place from 6:30-8:30pm at NYU. CLICK HERE for more info.

NWSO PRESS: Be sure to pick up the February 2012 issue of Essence magazine (Gabrielle Union & Dwyane Wade), which features NWSO as part of a round table discussion on the new relationship rules (pgs. 78-82).  

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The No. 1 Reason Men Don’t Get Married

[dc]G[/dc]etting engaged has a weird effect on men. It’s like a wake-up call for other guys in your circle. Ever since I popped the question I’ve found myself in various introspective conversations with guys I didn’t even know were introspective. Questions like, “How did you know she was the one?” and “Were you scared?” come up often now. There are also statements like, “I didn’t think you’d ever do it” or “Damn, I’m the last one left.”

For some people having someone they know get engaged or married puts their own relationship status into perspective. They have an epiphany like, I’m not a kid anymore and adult things are happening around me, WTF am I doing? While women generally think about marriage right out of the womb since they were little girls playing house, having a homie turn in his player card is when most men start thinking about marriage seriously. The woman they’re with starts to get analyzed a bit harder and even if she (or the fifth one after her) turns out to be the mythical “one” for him that still doesn’t mean he’ll ask her to marry him. Why, you ask? Because of one simple thing: the ring.

Whether it’s a guy that’s just starting to think about marriage or one that’s been ready, the common hold up I see is the price tag for the fairy tale diamond engagement ring. I remember a few years back bumping into my boy and somehow or other we started talking about his girl, who he’d been with forever and he was like, “She’s the one, B, and I want to marry her I’m just saving up for this ring. I put her through too much to get her some Crackerjack box ring. I been saving up here and there the past year or so and I’m like a year away.”

In case you missed that he was basically ready to marry this woman over a year-and-a-half ago but she’ll have to wait a whole ’nother year before she even knows how he feels because he can’t afford the ring. SMH! That’s not even adding on how long it’ll take them to actually plan the wedding (at least a year on average) and how long it’ll take him to pay for the ring. If this is the normal course of proposals in the 21st century then the average woman has at least three years of waiting from when a man realizes she’s the one to actually becoming his one legally. Most women aren’t that patient.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to go through all that BS. While my fiancée was unaware of my intentions of proposing, we had conversations in the past where she revealed that she never wanted a diamond. She’s an untraditional woman in every sense of the word and always imagined a red ruby ring adorning her finger. While that did lower the ostentatious price of the cliché diamond sparkler I still had to take a respectable slice out of my savings to cop the most beautfullest ring in the world for my girl.

Message to the fellas: At the end of the day all that matters is that the woman loves this symbol of your love. The price doesn’t matter, the components don’t either; it’s just a matter of the ring fitting her personal tastes. I designed my fiancée’s ring with that in mind and it shows in the final product. But the thing most guys don’t realize is that if a woman truly loves you and wants to be with you forever she won’t care if it’s a blow pop ring, she’ll say, “Yes.” Now, the standards and expectations of her girls and outside forces is a topic for a whole other blog.

Still, many men feel this pressure to go all out for the bling-bling when they don’t have to. I’m not saying be cheap, because I could have easily saved a few thousand at any time but I spent within my means for what I knew would make my girl (and my pockets) happy. But thanks to the decades-old marketing campaign from De Beers being engraved into the American psyche everyone thinks only a diamond says I love you and “every kiss begins with Kay.”

Sorry, that’s not the case and I won’t allow anyone to tell me different. If a woman refuses a man’s proposal simply because of the stone in the ring, then chances are she really isn’t that into the him and she’s definitely not the one. I understand that every woman has a right to receive a ring that she actually loves since she’s the one that has to wear it for life, but falling into the trap of what the diamond industry says an engagement ring should look like is something different altogether.

While there are those women who probably have a specific dream ring in mind and would be disappointed in anything less, I believe that the average woman would not only accept a “lesser” ring but cherish it if she truly loved the man. Problem is most guys don’t understand that. We get caught up in the fantasy of the industry standard of “diamonds are a girl’s best friend” when I’d much rather more people just marry their best friend.

Does having someone in your circle get engaged make you think about your own dating status? How many women would date a man for several years without him proposing if she knew it was because he was saving up for a ring? Would most women prefer a “lesser” ring if it meant they could get married earlier? How many women would be disappointed if they didn’t get a diamond engagement ring? Does the size matter when it comes to the ring? Would you let other people’s perception of your engagement ring have an impact on how you felt about it? Do you think a man should go broke paying for an engagement ring? How many people want a diamond ring just because they feel that’s what they’re “supposed” to get?

Speak your piece…

Should I Invite My Father to My Wedding?

[dc]A[/dc]s the clock keeps ticking on my remaining days as a single man (94 and counting), one prevailing thought keeps crossing my mind: Should I invite my father to my wedding? If you’ve read this blog for a while or had a meaningful conversation with me in real-life then you already know that my father and I don’t have the best relationship. There’s no real beef per say but he hasn’t been a part of my life outside of the occasional phone conversation and I tend to enjoy the gaps in between calls more than the actual calls themself.

The last time he and I spoke was shortly after I came back from vacation and during the course of our conversation I informed him that I’d gotten engaged. After he inquired about us having a date yet I gave him a tentative timetable and he asked to keep him posted as he’d move some things around if necessary to make it.

Uhm, thanks.

Basically, a man I hardly know invited himself to my wedding and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Based on the above conversation I actually had my father on my invite list (albeit with an asterisk). I mean, he is half responsible for my existence and the room is supposed to be filled with family and loved ones during your wedding. He may fit the first half of the bill by definition, but “loved one” isn’t a term I’d use to describe my father.

While extending an invitation to my father seems like the “right thing” to do, the more I think about it the less sure I am about that. I haven’t seen my father since September 1999, so that means there’s more than 12 years of unresolved issues that have to be addressed and my wedding day is neither the time nor the place I want to tackle that. Besides that if he’s maintained the same disheveled look I remember that’s not the person I’d like to present to my friends, family and new in-laws.

To the best of my knowledge, my best friend and his father didn’t have the tightest of relationship but they had a relationship nonetheless. I don’t have that luxury. I served as best man at my best friend’s wedding six years ago and watched as his father straightened our ties and pocket squares before passing on a few words of wisdom. Sadly, I don’t see the same experience in my future should my father attend.

I know that may seem like a negative way to look at things but based on my past interactions with my father I’d be willing to wager the outcome wouldn’t be for the best. The last thing I need on my wedding day is the added stress of a potentially embarrassing father roaming around the venue, awkward conversations and any tension between my parents. The more I think about it that asterisk by my father’s name is looking more like a big red X.

I find myself conflicted. Part of me feels obligated to send the invite to my father, while the other half just doesn’t want to deal with the potential drama. It’s a small wedding and I’ve been brutally succinct with whittling down my guest list to primary figures in my and my fiancée’s life. If you don’t know her name then you won’t make the cut. If you’ve never had a conversation with us together then you won’t make the cut. If neither of us has seen you in person in over a year then you won’t make the cut. If I hold true to that criteria then I have my answer because my father doesn’t qualify for any of the above.

I still have a week or two before invitations have to be sent out in the mail and while names are being crossed off and added, I’ll leave that asterisk in place until I make a final decision. Whether I do or I don’t extend an invite to my father it’s a decision that I’ll have to live with but for now I’ll just have to weigh the pros and cons until… I do.

Any objections?

Would you invite an estranged relative to your wedding? Do you think a lot of people wind up inviting people they’re not even close with to their wedding? Would you prefer a small wedding over a big one? Are there any relatives you’d be embarrassed to introduce to your in-laws? Do your parents get along? If not, would you try to keep them separated at your wedding? Is a wedding the wrong setting to have a reunion with an estranged parent? Do you think I should invite my father to my wedding?

Speak your piece…

Is Being In Love Different than Just Loving Someone?

[dc]L[/dc]ove is a word people toss around all the time. Someone could love Michael Jackson’s music, love a certain restaurant or love an article of clothing. However, each of the aforementioned uses of the word love are different than being in love.

While I’ve loved many women in my life and had love for certain individuals, being in love is something entirely different. I’ve only experienced that a handful of times and even that’s exaggerating.

In my 34 years I’ve only had three-and-a-half official girlfriends (that two-month debacle of a relationship in college only half counts) but oftentimes what we think is that in love kind of love isn’t always the case in retrospect. In fact, my current girlfriend of the past two years and I have often had conversations about loving each other to death and wanting to spend our lives together but neither of us would describe it as being in love. That was until the night of August 26 when I dropped down on one knee and asked her to be my wife.

I’ll let that sink in for a minute before I continue…

In case you missed that, two weeks ago I proposed to the woman I love and she said, “Yes, duh!”

From the moment I made the decision that I wanted her to be my wife some three months ago, I knew that I loved her but that in love feeling didn’t truly come until I popped the proverbial question, “Will you marry me,” through tear-soaked eyes. As my voice cracked and saline-filled droplets traveled across my cheeks, I felt it. I didn’t just love this woman I was in love with her and I was unafraid to let her know that.

My gamble paid off.

Not even looking down at the bauble I placed on her finger, she said, “I didn’t think I could love you more than I did already.”

That’s all the conformation that I needed. I knew she didn’t say that because of some ring, but at that moment—right there in my mother’s homeland of St. Lucia—we were both in love.

I know it may sound weird to some that I would not only make the decision to propose but go through the process of shopping for and buying an engagement ring before having that in love feeling, but that’s my process and I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life before. I won’t say anything cliché like, “I can’t seem my life without her,” but this is the woman that balances me out. She understands me and all of my quirks. To her they’re “cute.”

I’ve always known that it would take a special woman to not only come into my life but be a pivotal part of it and she fits the bill to a tee. She’s my prototype… my confidante… my partner… my best friend… my soon-to-be-wife… my everything.

I don’t just love her, I am completely and utterly in love with her.

Have you ever been in love? Do you think there’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone? If so, what’s the difference(s)? How many times have you truly been in love? Do you think people use the word love too lightly these days? Are you surprised to hear about my engagement? Do you think it’s “weird” that I was ready to propose before having that in love feeling? Have you ever been in a relationship where you loved the person but wasn’t in love? Do you have to be in love to be happy in a relationship?

Speak your piece…

Why Don’t More Women Get Married Before Having Kids?

I know it’s #WetWednesdays and I’ve left you on a cliffhanger for two weeks but I took a much-needed vacation out of the country that got extended two extra days due to Hurricane Irene. #ImOkay Three flights and 24-hours later I just got back in to town/country yesterday and have serious jetlag and work in the morning so hopefully y’all can understand if I need a minute to get back on the blogging track.

WORDS BY TAIIA

After Beyoncé’s now famous “Love on Top” VMA performance on Sunday night—where she closed the set by dropping the mic and lovingly rubbed her pregnant belly—Twitter went slightly cray-cray. It was to be expected, no? BeyJay stans had waited for that moment.

Jay-Z supported his lady wife as she made career moves and he waited for that moment. But it’s what happened after that made-for-MTV moment that grabbed my attention. Let’s refer to it as: The Tweet Heard ’Round the World:

Beyoncé dated, got married and THEN got pregnant…Ladies take notes about the order.

Whoa.

I’m not sure who authored this tweet nor does that even matter at this point. But the retweeting and the responses were hard to ignore. Twitter comments ranged from (and I’m paraphrasing): “Let the church say amen” to “f*ck the order” to “damn, I guess every n*gga gone tweet this” to “word, get it right b*ches.”

Single moms (read: BABY MAMAS) were being attacked.

Women’s choices were given a collective *side eye.*

Men’s smash and dash behavior was ignored—as usual—as if women can impregnate themselves. (Not all men are like this. Trust, I know. I have a father, husband, brother, cousins and friends. And yes, I have eyes. I see my heroes in 3D.)

And there were a whole lotta assumptions made about “the right” way to do things.

Full Disclosure (Pt. 1):

  1. I’ve been married 14 years. One kid. Conceived in wedlock.
  2. I was raised by a single mom, who got married, divorced and became a single mom (all over again).
  3. I believe a two-parent household is still the trendiest accessory on the market, BUT…well, more on that later.

For all those wagging judgmental fingers at single moms and pretending that men don’t have a significant role in “the order” or the “right way,” just realize that relationships are complex. There isn’t a cookie cutter solution to relationships, babies and marriages. This is why some couples head for the altar, while others lead to the delivery room.

What’s lacking here is a blueprint, a plan, a clue.

Wait. Back up, how about we kick this thing off with something oh, so sexy…like a conversation? How about we discuss if the relationship is headed toward marriage (or simply a carriage) BEFORE the purple plus sign on the EPT pregnancy test reads positive?

“The right” way to create a family structure is debatable under review in 2011, especially when:

  1. Some men (and women) think marriage is for White people.
  2. Some couples remove marriage from their list of options because they swear it doesn’t work.
  3. Some of us have attended more baby showers than weddings and this has become the new normal.
  4. Some of us forgot to raise our boys to be more than just baby makers.
  5. Some of us would like to be mothers and don’t want to/need to/aren’t interested in/or are just tired of waiting years for our men to ask those four big-little words: Will. You. Marry. Me? to cure our maternal Jones.

Full disclosure (Pt. 2):

1. I love, love. Not the stuff of romantic comedies. I’m talking about the let’s-build-n-grow-together type of love with the person who’s good TO YOU and good FOR YOU. #thelovemovement

2. I don’t romanticize marriage. Sometimes it doesn’t work. BUT sometimes, it does. Building a life with someone requires the following… (this is the short list):

  • Compromise
  • Faith
  • Selflessness
  • Awareness
  • Fearlessness
  • Trust
  • Love
  • Good old-fashioned GUTS.

3. I believe a two-parent household is still the trendiest accessory on the market, BUT I know that wonderful human beings are raised by single moms. I RESPECT and SALUTE them.

If we’re really interested in following Beyoncé and Jay’s path, I’m going to need a second Tweet Heard ’Round The World, something to the tune of:

Many women prefer to date, marry and THEN have babies. Fellas, y’all take notes about the order.

Do you feel that people should ideally have children only in a marriage? What if it’s a committed relationship? How often do you consider whether or not the people you choose to sleep with are parent material? Do you have more respect for women that wait until marriage to have kids? Does it even matter if the marriage ends in divorce? Do you feel that “baby mamas” are always under attack? Why do the “baby daddies” tend to get off the hook? Is there a difference between a baby mama and a single mother? Are two-parent households more important than a marriage? Do you attend more baby showers than weddings? Are you excited about Beyoncé’s pregnancy or could you care less?

Speak your piece…

Does a Married Couple Have to Live Together?

WORDS BY DIVIDE & CONQUER

Can a separation bring two people closer? After browsing the Internet and reading a few comments here and there about different people’s answer to this question, I took it upon myself to evaluate my own situation. I hadn’t been married a year before I wanted to separate from my husband. We had known each other for years before we decided to get married but began to have issues like any other married couple. It was sort of my suggestion for us to separate for a while, get ourselves together and come back to one another stronger than ever.

It didn’t quite work out that way.

Our communication barriers broke down; we stopped understanding one another because we stopped listening; we stopped paying attention to the needs of each other; we became selfish. So, I figured some time apart would allow us to see what we had once we weren’t up under each other anymore. I figured it would allow us to appreciate one another and give us time to rebuild what had been broken.

Just from reading a few people’s response to this, I found that a separation helped to rebuild the communication skills between other married couples. Time apart allowed some to become comfortable again and it helped to build the security that was lost in one another. I also saw from reading, that separating was like going through the motions of getting to know one another again. You hang out more, talk a little more day by day, you learn to work together and you began to feel a sense of openness with each other again.

Does this work for all couples?

Of course not. It only works if you want it to work. If both parties are willing to try and put forth the effort and work into winning over the other person’s heart and trust again. You have to be willing to give it all or nothing. If you’re not going to give it your all, then why even bother to try?

Some people might even ask the question: If you can try that hard to make it work apart, why can’t you try that hard making it work together? This is something that you have to ask yourselves when determining whether space is needed or not between you and your spouse to determine what you’re willing to do to utilize the space wisely for your relationship/marriage.

I found that just talking about a separation helped to open our eyes to some things we didn’t see. We even went as far as living in two separate apartments for a little while, but we found out that deep down inside, our hearts really belonged to one another. We had begun to talk a little more and argue a lot less. We began to listen and understand. We began to rebuild. I said it before and I’ll say it again, marriage is hard work. You get out as much as you put it. Maybe separation isn’t always the solution but it is an option.

Do you think that a separation or time apart can bring a couple closer together? Or, is there no turning back from something like that and the relationship is doomed? Would you consider counseling to save your marriage/relationship? Do you feel a separation for a married couple eventually leads to a divorce? If you find that you work a lot better apart, would you want to try to get back together at all? Do you feel that people don’t spend enough time getting to know their partner before getting married? Is one year too soon to start having problems in your marriage?

Speak your piece…

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